Can You Feel the Sun (Missio)

Hey y’all. It’s been a hot minute, huh. This series is special because it will be all Music Monday posts. Follow @libd_blog on instagram to get a preview of the next song in the series. Alright let’s go.

Below the willow tree
Is where I hide the darkest parts of me
They're hiding underneath
The broken lies that I just still believe

Spoiler alert: I’m not doing so hot. If the 4 or more months of silence since my last post didn’t give it away. I’m starting to feel like my job is just too fancy for me. I’m not even going to get started on the state of my basement. Kota is doing pretty good, so at least someone is, but that someone is not me.

Below the willow tree
Is where I sit and hate on my enemies
I drown 'em in my dreams
I think it's me who needs some humility

I would like to clarify that I do not dream of my enemies. I hardly ever remember dreams in general, and when I do, I try not to think too hard about them. It’s almost always something odd that doesn’t make much sense. Now, hating on my enemies or just having enemies, I’m not going to deny. Being angry at someone else means I’m not angry at myself. At this point, any feeling besides depression is most welcome.

I'm alone here [x4]

I know this is the part where I say something inspiring like, “There are people who care,” “You matter so much,” and “Everything gets better eventually.” I’m not going to say any of that today. Feels kind of like a conspiracy.

Can you feel the sun?
I do, but I can't see it
Can you feel the breeze?
I don't, but I believe it

It’s not that I don’t think it will get better. I have moments where everything is fine. I have moments that remind me of better times in my life. The problem is that there’s a part of my brain that says if it was going to get better, it would have by now. I know there’s hope, but I can’t see it or feel it.

I don't feel safe when I'm not alone
And I know, and I know what you're thinkin'
I like it on my own
But I'll let you in if you say it's okay

So, I’m going to level with you guys in this series. I started rereading A Series of Unfortunate Events, which probably explains how I came up with the title for this series. and I will paraphrase Lemony Snicket for a minute and tell you this… If you are looking for something happy, you should probably stop reading now. I will, however, let you know that at the end of each book, they briefly overcome the madness they experience in their lives. The next book will be a whole other shit show, but just for a brief moment on the very last page, it seems as if, for a moment, it might be okay. Maybe one day it will, but I don’t remember how Book 13 ended, so I guess I’ll find out.

Below the willow tree
I get hung up on my insecurities

The other day, I got scolded for wearing a mask. They didn’t tell me I couldn’t wear it but implied that I didn’t need one if I was not sick. I said it was for my allergies, but in reality, I just couldn’t stand the way my face looked that day. This spiraled into a hate fest on myself for not washing my face or showering semi-regularly. This, in turn, brought me to the conclusion that I am simply an imposter sitting at a desk doing my best to pretend that I belong.

Rose-colored dopamine
My soul feels like it could be make-believe
Below the willow tree
I search to find some sense of identity
This weeping willow tree
Sits in silence, sheds no tear for me

I’ve always said when you work, you aren’t getting paid to have feelings, and you aren’t getting paid to be happy. My job isn’t really even that hard. People always tell me they wish I had my job because it’s so easy. I’ve also had people tell me they don’t know how I survive the 9.5 hours of my shift. Depending on the day, I can see both points of view. Why it matters to me, I have no idea. Why anything matters these days, I couldn’t tell you.

Can you feel the sun?
I do, but I can't see it
Can you feel the breeze?
I don't, but I believe it
I don't feel safe when I'm not alone
And I know, and I know what you're thinkin'
I like it on my own
But I'll let you in if you say it's okay [x2]
I'm alone for sure
I'm lost to the world

I can’t promise this series will be good. It may be absolutely atrocious, like the rest of my life is. In fact, it may just be a 3-part pity party, but even then, I’m inviting all of you. If you chose to read the rest of this, you can’t say I didn’t warn you. I’m starting to make this sound like a Series of Unfortunate Events, but I suppose it is. And I mean that in a totally legal way with no copyright intended or whatever the rules are. He just has such a fantastic way of writing. I know they are sort of kids’ books, but I recommend them to everyone of all ages. (Free publicity. Now you can’t be mad)

Sincerely,
LIBD