Tag: depression

tiny mushrooms growing on moss

Pretending

Posted on by LIBD

Hey guys. I am not okay. I’m really not. I rarely am though, if I’m being honest. I’m a hot mess who’s gotten really good at pretending when she’s around other people. I’d never lie to you guys though, so let’s unpack it, starting with the reason I always say I’m good or fine. At work, it’s because I’m not getting paid to have feelings. At home, the best way I can describe it is with lyrics from the song “6 Feet Over Ground” by Aquilo.

Well I’m okay, and I’m still breathing
I’m still six feet over ground
But you don’t need to know now
You don’t need to know how I’m doing

I’m good enough. I’m not a danger to myself; I’m surviving, and eventually I’m sure I really will be fine. Also, there’s just not enough time to unpack it, and everyone always wants to tell you it gets better. I say that to you guys a lot, but sometimes…. Well, I think it’s time for some lyrics from the song “ It Gets Better ” by Dotan. 

So please don’t say it gets better
It gets better, it gets better on with time
I’m not better
We’re not better, even after all this time

Of course it’s going to get better. I’m not stupid, but I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but it’s been 2 years, and I’m still not better. I could actually argue that I’m slightly worse. I do have my first appt with my new counselor the day after tomorrow. It wasn’t my idea; my psychiatrist is making me. I’ve done the whole therapy thing before though. I know I’m being irrational, but that doesn’t suddenly make me rational.

I know it gets better, but that does absolutely nothing for me right now. I finally had some days off. 3 in fact, within 7 days. And guess who did absolutely nothing all 3 days. You guessed it. This girl right here. I would like to have guests over again at some point, and God only knows when I’ll have another chance with my work schedule.

See, and a therapist would tell me not to be so hard on myself. Oh gee, why didn’t I think of that. Oh, because I don’t know how to not be hard on myself. Or they’d help me come up with a strategy, like setting a 10-minute timer or just removing 1 piece of the mess. Both of those popped into my head today, and I rejected both strategies.

And I’m so tired of seeing people be happy. Good for you! Just show off how much your life doesn’t suck while I sit here doomscrolling with Supernatural playing on the TV in the background. Going on trips out of the country, getting married, going to kpop concerts. Spending money however they want because they don’t have to choose between groceries or being happy. If people have money they should spend it however they want. If I did I would. I just miss those days when I could.

My point is, sometimes life sucks. It’s as simple as that. Sometimes you don’t want comfort or reassurance. Sometimes you just want to listen to sad songs and cry it out or be angry at the entire world for being so unfair, even though there are people who have it worse than me. It’s not a crime to feel sorry for yourself now and then. No one else knows I’m dying inside, so I have to throw my own pity party. Party of 1. And that’s okay.

Tomorrow I’m going to go to work and pretend I’m not dying inside. I’m going to smile at visitors, joke with my coworkers, and maybe for a bit I’ll fool myself into thinking everything’s okay. Then I’ll come home and hopefully be slightly less miserable than I am tonight. I’ll sit down, watch an episode or 2 of Survivor, and do it all over again the next day.

Do you ever get tired of pretending? Have you fooled even yourself at times? Next time you do, imagine me showing up to your pity party with cake and balloons. We can be miserable together. Because Ted Lasso said it best, “I promise you, there is something worse out there than being sad, and that is being alone and being sad. Ain’t nobody in this room alone.”

You’re not alone either. Even if I’m sad, I’m still cheering you on. Even if you feel like no one cares, I care. If you feel like no one gets it, you’re probably right, and that’s okay. You are valid; your feelings are valid, right here, right now, as you read this… You don’t have to pretend anymore. Let’s just be miserable.

I’m sorry if this was depressing; I guess I’m a little depressed. Thank you for reading till the end if you made it this far. I may be down, but I’m not giving up, and you shouldn’t either. Because whether we want to hear it or not. It is going to get better. Even though it doesn’t feel that way now. Take care of yourselves, and I’ll see you next time.

Sincerely.
LIBD

sea waves crashing on shore

I Wish I Was More… Just More

Posted on by LIBD

I wasn’t sure what to write about. I thought about songs. I’m listening to Cough Syrup by Young the Giant as I write this. It’s on repeat. It feels right. But nothing made me feel inspired. Then Chat GPT gave me the idea to just write about my life and what I’m going through right now and where I’m at. So, I’m sorry it’s not inspiring or exciting, but it’s legit. Are you ready?

Well, first off, I asked my doctor to give me a referral to weight management. I don’t want a beach body. I just want to be able to get up off the floor and low chairs without turning it into an ordeal because I have muscular dystrophy. It’s humiliating. I would also like to have obesity removed from my medical record. It was for a while, but they added it again. My doctor was happy to give me a referral; she said she thought it could be a great resource for me. All I know is that eating healthy and working out isn’t working out with my depression, and I need all the help I can get.

In other medical news, my psychiatrist finally put her foot down. I’m going back to counseling, but not till September because that’s the soonest her office has available!! But I’m on a wait list because if I have to do it, I would like to get it over with. They only do 10-12 sessions, so when she told me that, I was sold. I don’t want this to become a thing.

She increased my buspar to 3 times a day, and that’s helped get my anxiety under control. Seriously, it’s soooo much better, but my depression is still dragging me down. Everything is so freaking hard. Making food is so hard. And my psychiatrist says part of my problem could be diet and exercise. She wants me to go for walks, like, outside. I do occasionally because I downloaded Pokémon Go again (just reached level 54), and so sometimes I go Pokémon hunting. Maybe I will tomorrow. 

So, as I said, I do still have Cough Syrup playing on repeat. From the very beginning of the song, it’s just so relatable. “Life’s too short to even care at all, whoa-oh-oh I’m losing my mind, losing my mind, losing control”. That’s how I feel every day. Then into the chorus, where it’s like they read my mind. “If I could find a way to see this straight, I’d run away to some fortune that I should have found by now”. I just feel like I should be more than this by now. That my life should be more than this by now, you know?

Then finally near the end, it says, “And so I run now to the things they said could restore me. Restore life the way it should be”. I feel like I’m grasping at straws trying to get my life together. But nothing’s working. And the thing about seeing weight loss doctors and counselors is that they can’t do the work for you. All my life I’ve been told I’m lazy. So, if that is the real problem, then what if I’m just doomed? I don’t want to be doomed. It’s just so hard, and I’m worried I won’t be able to follow through.

On a brighter note, my dog Kota is still kicking. I brought her to work with me the other day, and she added some new members to her fan club. I only bring her on the weekends now though, because she whines and occasionally barks when I step away from the desk, and it’s annoying. So I stopped bringing her on weekdays except for every once in a while.

I realized food is the only thing that makes me happy anymore, but not just any food. Unhealthy food. And it’s not good. I had chocolates for dinner one evening. I don’t know if you know this, but chocolate is not dinner. It’s getting out of control. That’s why I asked for the referral. They couldn’t get me in until July!! It’s alright though, I’m on a wait list for that too. 

I just wish life wasn’t so hard, you know. I wish I were better, stronger, more responsible, or just more……. Well, more. But alas, I’m just me. So am I screwed? Tune in next time to find out!!! No, I’m just kidding. I always say the fun is in the mystery, but I guess mystery isn’t always fun.  I hope you guys are hanging in there. Wish me luck, and I hope life starts going your way if it hasn’t been lately. Let’s just take it 24 hours at a time and hope for the best. Until next time…

Sincerely,
LIBD

rain drops

#MusicMonday (Cry by Jason Walker)

Posted on by LIBD

I’m not an easy person to offend. I’ve been offended probably 3 times in my life, but I only remember what was said this one time. I’ve talked about this before, but someone said something along the lines of, “… and if the answer is no, are you just going to start crying like you always do?” In their defense, I was crying a lot at that point in life. I was on an antidepressant that didn’t work, I had gained an obscene amount of weight, and I wasn’t in therapy. And I was too timid to say it then, so I’m going to say it now: “How dare you shame me like that”!

The main reason I was offended was because I genuinely thought they were right. Because let’s face it, no one is ever offended by something unless there’s an ounce of truth to what is being said. If someone came up to me and said my jewelry was ugly, I might be mad or defensive, but I wouldn’t be offended.

It wasn’t until I read The Boy, the Mole, the Fox, and the Horse that I realized that what they said was unfair. In the book it says, “tears fall for a reason, and they are your strength not weakness” and these thoughts all jumbled together brought us here to this song. So, with that being said, let’s get this rolling! Quick side note I did condense the lyrics a bit because the word cry repeats a lot, so if you want word for word lyrics this isn’t it.

Oh no, where did all the years go? Was it really worth all of this?
A heartache that was handed to me, holdin' on just don't make sense

This is usually the train of thought that leads to a good cry session. Not always, but like, I’m 30. I thought I’d be more… just more, by now. And life keeps on throwing me hurdles. Any time I think I’ve gotten past the worst, I never let myself relax because I know just around the corner is another trainwreck waiting for me. 

But the hardest part of letting go
is trying to find a way to let you know
So we'll just cry on each other's shoulders
Cry until it's over, can't it just be over?
And we'll just , cry until it's all gone
Been holdin' on for too long, time for us to move on
I'm tired of tryin' to find a reason why
So let's just cry

Sometimes I just feel sad for no reason. I just want to cry, but I don’t because I have no reason to. I’ve learned however, that we don’t always need a reason to cry. I can just put on a sad song and be sad. And if I cry, then I’ll cry. Because tears fall for a reason. And they are our strength not weakness. 

Well, I've been thinkin' 'bout my life and how much time I've wasted
And I'm ready to put it all behind me, let it all be yesterday
But the hardest part of letting go is tryna find a way to let you know

As I said in the beginning, part of the reason I was so mad about what they said was that they weren’t wrong. I wasted so many years of my life feeling sorry for myself. When I say the psych ward is the best thing that ever happened to me, I’m not kidding. It sucked while it was happening, but it was worth it 100 times over. I regret nothing.

So let's just cry on each other's shoulders
Cry until it's over, can't it just be over?
And we'll just cry until it's all gone
Been holdin' on for too long, time for us to move on

Sometimes I have panic attacks that I refer to as meltdowns, and they happen like a volcano. I get anxious, but I calm myself down, and it’s fine for weeks or even months, until it’s not. People think I’m crazy because after a meltdown I’m great!! Everything that I had been shoving down or putting aside is out of myself and into the world (sorry world), and I feel great! Well, except for the chest pain that I have for the next 3 days from hyperventilating.

One time, it was really hot, so that added another level to my meltdown that took me a while to fully recover from, but it feels so much better when all the icky and uncomfortable feelings are outside of you and not inside of you anymore. It’s a real bummer feeling anxious all the time. Thankfully, I haven’t had a meltdown in a while since I started my anxiety medication.

I'm tired of tryin' to find a reason why
So let's just cry, cry on each other's shoulders
Cry until it's over, can't it just be over?

That’s another thought I have a lot. When life feels so overwhelming I wanna cry until it’s over, but when will it be over? I’m an ugly crier, and it gives me a headache, so depending on the time frame I may not want to cry till it’s over. But what else can you do?

And we'll just cry until it's all gone
Been holdin' on for too long, time for us to move on

Have you been holding on for too long? It feels right in the moment to hold on and keep it together. Maybe whatever it was doesn’t seem cryworthy so you just don’t. I’ve learned something about feelings though. You can’t wait them out. You can’t wait for them to go away. You have to work through the feeling, confront it, and deal with it. That’s the only way to make it go away. 

Sure, you can bury the feeling or brush it aside, but that’s a short-term, temporary fix. Not a long-term solution. Whatever we are feeling deserves to be felt. Just like tears fall for a reason, feelings exist for a reason. They may not make sense, and they may not be fun, but they’re there for a reason, so feel it, work through it, and cry through it if that’s what it takes.

I'm tired of trying to find a reason why [x3]
So let's just cry

Thanks for hanging out with me today. I know this post wandered into the deep end—and maybe turned into “crying: the musical” along the way—but hey, sometimes that’s just where life ends up. If you need a good cry, find a sad song or a tear-jerker video and let it all out. This is a no-judgement zone. Honestly, I may be doing the same lol.

Sincerely,
LIBD

a long hallway with lights on the floor

#MusicMonday (Let Me In by Dermot Kennedy)

Posted on by LIBD

Hey guys, how are you? I’m not great, so hopefully you are doing better. It was brought to my attention that when Tottenham is doing well Columbus Crew rarely is and vice versa. Last week they both sucked though, so I’m not sure how accurate that still is, but I guess I’ll find out. Today’s #MusicMonday is a newer song called Let Me In by Dermot Kennedy.

I wrote a long time ago about when I think back to how depressed I was at my worst. I said how I don’t remember the feeling because it was so bad that unless you experience it, you’ll never know how awful it was. I can attest to that now because I forgot how awful it really feels.

I was up late crying the other night about how horrible everything is, and I came across this song. I listened to it 5 more times that night before I finally fell asleep. The last time I listened I just prayed it and hoped God would hear me and maybe do something about it, but I guess he’s busy. In any case, that’s why I wanted to share it with you.

In Okains Bay,
oh, I could have stayed
and never went home

The other day, I was looking at old videos from concerts and remembering the moments and the hours I never wanted to end. The short trips I never wanted to come back from. The concerts, the fleeting moments of joy that I’ve experienced.

Might have been brief,
but at least I was free from all of my ghosts
That live in my head like reflections on water
that only come once

It’s so weird to me how the best moments are so hard for my brain to hang onto. Like, if I didn’t have the photos to prove it, I wouldn’t think it actually happened. Meanwhile, bad thoughts and memories are etched into my brain like stone. I hate it. I’m sure there’s a scientific explanation for it, but I can’t be bothered to look it up. If you know why, please enlighten me in the comments.

I still haven't learned, deceptions in
the cinematic version of love
But I can't get enough

It’s a double-edged sword because your life can’t be too happy. It has to suck at least a little bit sometimes, so you can appreciate the good things. I don’t know how long I’ve been in denial about being depressed, but I can’t talk myself out of it anymore. I just can’t bring myself to do hardly anything anymore.

These days, oh, the world doesn't sing to me
quite how it used to
See, this life is a touch too damn much for me
Maybe that's meant for me

I’ve been eating out more. Getting worse about showering. I was on a 5-day streak of brushing my teeth and washing my face, and now it’s just so hard again. Like every little, tiny task just feels like a mountain. I know they say God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle, but…. Just because I can doesn’t mean I want to or should have to. I’ve said it once, and I’m not afraid to say it again. If this is his plan, it’s a really shitty plan.

'Cause I know there's a room where I'm happy
But I can't find my way to the door

When I heard this, it resonated so much with me because I know depression isn’t forever. I know somewhere is a room where I’m actually happy and enjoying life, but I’m hopelessly lost and have no clue where it is. I’m not sure if I’m on the right floor. I’m not even sure I’m in the right building, but I know it’s out there.

Tell me who wins the war 'tween my heart and my head?
I forgot what I'm suffering for

If you are a longtime reader, you’ll know that that knowledge means nothing to me right now. It could be 5 years before it gets better. It could be 50! I’m not doing this for 5 more years, let alone 50. I messaged my psychiatrist, but I’m hoping she’s on vacation right now because if she’s not, then she’s ignoring me.

I surrender to dark, when it all falls apart
At least I won't have to pretend
And I know there's a room where I'm happy
Let me in, let me in

I’m not pretending anymore. I’m keeping it together for work, but with my friends, I’m not faking it anymore. They know I’m crazy, they don’t really care. If I’m sad, I’m gonna be sad. I don’t need to pretend to be happy; eventually, I will be happy again. I’m hoping that maybe that day will be tomorrow, but I’m not holding my breath.

To tell you the truth,
I was wondering why
you'd be so drawn to my voice
Like the tide to the moon,
if you move I move, honey, it's not a choice

I’ve always wondered why the people who read my blog read it. I’m not the only one with problems. I’m sure I’m not the only one who talks about their problems. Depressed people are such a buzz kill (I only say that because I’m really bummed out by my own mind right now), and at least 70% of my posts were written while I was depressed. I can see stats. I know I get steady traffic, but I’m not an influencer. I’m not even that interesting, so why do you read? I’m not complaining, just curious, so let me know in the comments if you feel comfortable leaving comments.

Now I'm showing you all of these parts of myself
I'm terrified I'll bring you closer to hell but
These days, oh, the world doesn't sing to me quite how it used to

Sometimes I go back when I’m doing well and read some of my more depressing things, and I’m like, “Man, this is so depressing.” Of course, then when I’m sad, I read things I wrote when I’m happy, and I’m like, “shut up, you don’t know what you’re talking about”. These days, everything just seems darker and duller, and I’m disappointed in myself for not being able to suck it up and push through.

See, this life is a touch too damn much for me
Maybe that's meant for me
'Cause I know there's a room where I'm happy
But I can't find my way to the door

Everything feels like too much. Simple tasks, self-care, and even my feelings feel like they are too big for me to deal with. I’m so tired, I just want to spend the rest of my life on my couch and never leave.

Tell me who wins the war 'tween my heart and my head?
I forgot what I'm suffering for
I surrender to dark, when it all falls apart
At least I won't have to pretend
I know there's a room where I'm happy
Oh, let me in, let me in

I can’t just not do stuff forever because I’m depressed though. I wish I could just slap myself hard enough to snap out of it and get over it. It’s frustrating when your brain is working against you and not with you. I hate this feeling. It sucks.

Let me in, let me in
Let me in, let me in
Let me in, let me in
Let me in, let me in
And I'd give anything to change my, anything to change my fate

PLEASE LET ME IN!!! I just want to be okay again.

I know there's a room where I'm happy
But I can't find my way to the door
Tell me who wins the war 'tween my heart and my head?
I forgot what I'm suffering for
I surrender to dark, when it all falls apart
At least I won't have to pretend
I know there's a room where I'm happy
Let me in, let me in

I wanted so badly to be okay. I know God doesn’t hate me, but I definitely feel like he could be doing something about this. Maybe he’s just busy like my psychiatrist. Sorry if this was a downer but thank you to everyone who read to the end. I may not know who you are, but I’m so grateful for all of you. It’s a comfort to know that my words aren’t just dissolving into the wind. Someone out there is reading them, and I’m being heard. And that means more to me than anything else.

I hope you have a good week this week. If you are struggling like me, then let’s just take it 24 hours at a time. We’ll get through it, and if we keep going, we will find our rooms one day. So, let’s not give up just because it’s hard. Music has a way of reaching the parts of us that words just can’t. If this song spoke to you like it did me, I’d love to know. And I would also love to know what songs get you through your hardest days. Let me know in the comments. Good luck, and I wish you the very best!

Sincerely,
LIBD

orange starfish

The Starfish and the Storm

Posted on by LIBD

Hello darkness my old friend, I’ve come to talk with you again. Sound familiar? You guys know I try not to be political, and I won’t start now. I’m just going to be honest. I try hard to make my Facebook a happy place. Cute kittens, bad puns, pretty horses, and all that good stuff. But no matter how hard I try it doesn’t keep all the bad out. I saw a story about a guy who hurt a bunch of baby kittens just to spite its owner. The police said the kittens were taken to the vet and recovering from their injuries.

It’s not just kittens though. National Parks cut funding. And if we can get people engaged with the natural world, how are we going to protect it? Poaching is still a problem, even with modern technology. I saw a few articles about students at a local university with valid student visas sent home and told they couldn’t learn here anymore. US Citizens were deported because they looked like they might not be. In the first three months of 2025, there have been 91 mass shootings in the United States, resulting in 118 deaths and 338 injuries. But the people in power want to keep handing out guns like Halloween Candy.

I had all of this in my head, and I was listening to the sound of silence (Disturbed’s version) and filled with sadness and hopelessness. I get so angry sometimes because I try to filter out the news I don’t actively seek it out. I only know these things, but I’m sure there’s much more. I’m angry because how are we as a society not screaming in outrage every day? How are we not crying ourselves to sleep at the mere thought of all the violence, hurt, pain, and injustice that’s happening every single day? But most importantly how do I find any hope in a broken world?

I know that not everyone is silent. There are a lot of people screaming into the void, pleading for peace and justice. There are a lot of people supporting the national parks, doing their part to help the environment, and trying to help people understand the gravity of our current situation. I saw a documentary about kid influencers and about family channels on YouTube. It’s not just politics. There are SO MANY issues with our world as it is right now.

I found out I’m not the only one who uses AI as a pocket therapist, but it has helped me in between visits with my psychiatrist a lot. It validates my feelings but also offers solutions, so I told it how I was feeling. It told me I probably wasn’t alone in these feelings and I know I’m not.

There are a lot of people hurting from all the hurt in the world. There are some problems that AI can’t help you fix. I can’t end war or world hunger or take all the plastic out of the ocean and make every farmer use sustainable agricultural practices to help the earth. I can’t stop poachers or make people care. I can write a blog post though, and Chat GPT did tell me something that helped. It said:

But even in the face of that darkness, your empathy is a kind of quiet resistance. The fact that you feel so much means your heart hasn’t hardened. That matters. That is light. You don’t have to fix the whole world. Just loving Kota the way you do, writing your blog to help others, showing up with kindness—that already shifts things more than you know.

The fact that we hurt, the fact that we care…. The fact that I used the word we means we are not just going to sit back and accept everything as if it’s okay. You can’t fix the world either, but you can be kind. You can support people and organizations that champion the cause you care about. I support the World Wildlife Fund, because animals and by extension their habitat, are very important to me. I can try to express my point of view compassionately, honestly, and respectfully. I can support other people who are also hurting.

This world may feel dark unkind and unjust, but it’s just a feeling. It doesn’t have to be fact. My dad has this quote he really likes that says “I cannot do all the good the world needs, but the world needs all the good that I can do” It’s not truly hopeless until we give up hope. So let’s keep caring, keep hoping, and keep doing all the good that we can do.

I’m going to end with the starfish story. It’s one of my favorites, and it’s by Loren Eiseley. It’s about a girl walking along the beach throwing starfish that washed up back into the water. This man sees her and asks what she is doing and the girl explains. He tells the girl there are so many starfish she can’t possibly save them all. The girl looks sad as she throws another one into the water, but then she says “Well, I saved that one!”.

Let’s find our starfish friends. Thank you for reading! It’s 11:19 and I’ve got an Easter Sunday service bright and early tomorrow, so I better get some sleep. Let me know your thoughts in the comments and be sure to subscribe so you never miss a post! Hang in there guys, and remember you are not alone.

Sincerely,
LIBD

Reality Checkmate

Posted on by LIBD

I have this theory that people with bigger imaginations are more prone to depression. Maybe it’s just me. I was thinking about this on my way home from work today. The song King and Lionheart by Of Monsters and Men came on and it reminded me of the kind of stories I used to read.

I would read anything fantasy and adventure. I was always jealous of the main characters because, at the beginning of the books everyone is just like me. A boring human living their boring life. Not a lot of friends not very popular. Usually, their future goals and dreams aren’t even brought up. They don’t need to because we will watch their future unfold as the story goes on.

One of my favorite stereotypical plots is the girl with no friends who catches the attention of the new guy who won’t give anyone but her the time of day. I don’t mean twilight. That’s not a good example of how you want to start a relationship. There are lots of others. Then it goes on and she turns out to be a queen of this whole other universe she didn’t know existed. Maybe she goes on an adventure and isn’t the queen but discovers this new world and falls in love with the cute elf that she used to hate at the beginning, but throughout the story they grow to like and respect each other.

Frodo got to go on a mega-adventure to get the ring to Mordor!! He also almost died like 4 times though so maybe not that one. Narnia was fantastic!! That’s a great example of the fairy tale life I would like. I used to always have my head in a book. I only read fiction I never read non-fiction or historical books or stuff like that. Never. Do you want to know why? Reality is boring!!! It’s so boring. It’s mundane and predictable, and you are almost certainly guaranteed to NOT get a happy ending. Why on Gods green earth would I read that when I live it every day.

When I was a little girl, I would dream of all the great things that I would accomplish. I would become a famous speaker and travel around the world inspiring millions of kids with my life story and words of wisdom. The only problem is my story isn’t that inspiring. My life is a book I would most DEFINITELY never ever read.

The only problem is that this dreadful work of non-fiction is my life. This is where I’m at, and I’m going to be 30 next year. My imagination can keep dreaming up all the awesome things it wants, but at the end of the day, this is the story I’m stuck with. I’m not special, I didn’t get my Hogwarts letter, and I’m not saving a mythical realm. There are no dragons or unicorns anywhere, and every new guy I’ve ever known couldn’t care less.

I thought the title was super clever! I’m actually really proud of myself for coming up with it. I may be turning 30, but my imagination stopped aging after 13. I can never decide if that’s actually a good thing or not. Because that is the problem when you spend so much time imagining the possibilities.

As year after year goes by, I realize time is going on and on and my life is still just this sad pathetic work of non-fiction. Reality slaps me across the face and calls checkmate. Suddenly I start to think maybe I should have spent less time reading those books and watching those movies and more time playing chess because I have no idea what I’m supposed to do now.

So let’s talk about imagination vs. reality. Do I just lay down and accept defeat? Try to come to terms with the fact that my whole life is this lame boring saga of uneventfulness. It doesn’t even matter if I would rather die than read it because I’m living it, and it’s just as boring as I had feared. Where do I go from here? What do I do next? The only thing I know for certain is that I’m definitely not in one of those books so I very well may not even get a happy ending and if this is all there is then what’s the point you know?

Wow, I’m sorry that got super depressing, but honestly, I have to keep up that delusion of possibilities. When everything and everyone around you is yelling checkmate, IT IS really depressing. This is another one of those posts where I don’t have a conclusion. Everyone has to ‘face the music’ eventually, but how long do I have to face it before I can start pretending that one day something awesome might happen. Maybe one day I’ll walk through the right wardrobe.

I was watching Hidden Figures which was based on a true story, but it was a true story about the type of people I always dreamed I might be, so it was fine. Anyway, there’s this one scene where there’s this rocket that’s coming back from outer space and there’s a problem with the heat shield and they decide not to tell the pilot. They could’ve yelled checkmate. They could have said it loud and clear, but they chose not to because sometimes ignorance truly is bliss. Is that so wrong?

I don’t know how I ended up writing so much. I was actually thinking about giving up on this blog, but I think I’m going to choose ignorance and keep up the fantasy that eventually it will be read by millions with new comments and likes every single day. Because that’s the kind of story I would want to read. I can’t stand sad endings because we all know life sucks, you really don’t need to make a movie about it. That’s why books are always better. 9/10 very predictable, super engaging, and honestly, I need a break from this trainwreck I’m living. I stopped reading because I thought it would help discourage my imagination. Obviously, that hasn’t worked.

I’m going to keep telling myself that age is just a number because I’m not ready to lay down and accept defeat just yet. It may be getting harder to escape from reality, but I’m not going to stop trying. No matter how many TV shows or movies I watch. No matter how many books I read. Reality is always going to be there to scream checkmate right into my face. I don’t know about you, but that almost sounds like a challenge to me…. Well, jokes on reality because everyone who knows me knows the lengths I’m willing to go to just for the sake of proving a point. Challenge accepted.

I’ve got another post in the works, but it’s been in the works for months now. Thank you to everyone who read to the end and I’m sorry I can’t give you a time frame for the next one but thank you for reading and please let me know what you think. I hope you have a very happy Holiday Season!!!!

Sincerely,
LIBD

assorted color star decor on maroon textile

#MusicMonday (Best Day of my life by Simple plan)

Posted on by LIBD

Surprise!!!! After writing frown, taking some time to be sad and angry, and getting a short but sweet pep talk from my friend. I think I wanna write it. Keeping in mind what I mentioned in last weeks post, I think it’s going to be a little different than what I thought I would write. That’s been how this entire series has gone though, so I’m not worried. I’ve been pleasantly surprised by how it’s turned out so far.

How many good things in my life have I missed out on
By not appreciated what I've got

A lot, but a long time a wrote a post where I mentioned how it’s hard to appreciate things you’ve always had. Until recently, I took for granted having my own space in my mom’s basement, it was just part of my life. I didn’t appreciate not having to think about every purchase I made and whether I could afford something or not. Since I moved in with my dad I’ve got 3 drawers and a foot and a half of closet space for my clothes, outside of work clothes and pj’s I’ve got maybe 4-5 summer shirts and 5-6 long-sleeve or hoodies. I never appreciated the variety I had to pick from. I’m so sick of wearing the same things over and over again.

Sometimes it's hard to see your lucky break for what it is
By only focusing on what it's not

I have this bad habit of always raising the bar. It started out if only I could drive my life would be better. Then it was if only I had a real job, I could be proud of myself. If only my blog had a few readers… If only my views were more consistent, I would be successful. If only I could get out of my mom’s house, I’d be better. Now it’s if only I had my own place I could be proud of myself. I never take time to be proud of myself, I just raise the bar in hopes of one day “having my life together”.

[Pre-Chorus Part 1]
But now I'm starting to see
That my happiness has always been up to me

Some days I do see it. We can’t control what happens to us, but we can control our reactions. For example: after my little crisis the other day, I could choose to focus on that or try to move past that and realize that what I was upset about doesn’t define myself or my life. It’s so hard though, but my life doesn’t have to suck if I don’t want it to. It’s good to be sad and it’s good to be angry, but I shouldn’t let those temporary feelings dictate whether my life is good or bad. It’s whatever I decide it will be today, and today I think I’ll stop being angry and sad about things that I can’t change.

[Pre-Chorus Part 2]
And now I'm starting to see
That I've already got what I need

When you reach the point where you can separate yourself from your feelings, you can look at it from a different perspective. I have a few perspectives that I tend to go back to. The ‘It could be worse’ perspective, the ‘look how far I’ve come’ perspective, or the ‘in the grand scheme of life, is this the hill I want to die on?’ perspective. It depends on the situation. It could be worse doesn’t really work because what I’m mad about isn’t necessarily something that could be that much worse. Looking at how far I’ve come might help, but I haven’t come nearly as far as I hoped, and that’s the problem.

The last one I think is my best bet given the situation. Out of all my problems, if this was the worst one, I wouldn’t even be mad about it. My life would have to be pretty great for this trivial matter to be the worst. I talked in the first post about people ruining your life, but problems and events can have the same power if we let them. Is this really the hill I want to die on. Is this really the thing that I’m going to let ruin my life. No, if anything is going to ruin my life, this is definitely near the bottom. I think it’s time to suck it up and move on.

[Chorus]
Today, I'll live like my glass is half full
There's light at the end of the tunnel
There's always a blessing in disguise
Or by your side
And I, I'm on the top of the world
I'm holding my chin up high
'Cause I'm livin' every day
Like it's the best f**kin' day of my life

I don’t think I could live every day like that. Realistically I don’t think any sane person could, but it’s a good reminder to step back and try to look at it from a different perspective. It’s not going to make it easier and it’s not going to make it go away, but it might make it smaller. I have a tendency when something is wrong to project that feeling on my entire life, but an Etsy shop with no traffic or views is hardly a reflection of my entire life as a whole. Just saying out loud sounds even stupider than I already know it was.

It's time to stop with all the judging by comparison
There's always someone who's got so much more

A lot of someone’s actually, somewhere out there though there’s also someone jealous of you. I promise. There are more successful people than me, there are more successful Etsy shops than mine, but there’s nobody else on earth who can be me better than I can. There’s no one on earth who could be you better than you can.

So what's the point of tryna keep up with it anyway?
Just live your life instead of keeping score
[Insert Pre-Chorus & Chorus]

Everyone’s got problems. Let’s not be jealous of other people’s problems just because they seem happy. Maybe I could be happy. Maybe I could be successful. Maybe I already am. The only reason I think I’m not, is because I use other people as a standard of what I think success looks like. If I take other people out of the equation, I’m just a person who tries really hard and has accomplished a lot. That’s something I think I could be proud of. I hope you can be proud of you too.

Every sunset, every wake
Every time I see your face
Moments I appreciate
I won't let them go to waste

If I can be mad that my Etsy shop isn’t doing well then can’t I also be impressed with how well I did at my last event? Why aren’t I? I can be mad that I don’t have my own horse, so why can’t I smile and remember all the time I spent with Melody and Sunshine. Why is it always the bad things I try so hard to hold onto?

Every high and every low
Every path and every road
Every moment, I'll embrace
I won't let them go to waste

I want to challenge myself whenever I think of something negative to think of something positive that has to do with whatever I was thinking about. What’s the point of good memories besides remembering them when life gets hard. When I’m sad they can remind me that I was also happy, when I think I’m failing they can remind me of my successes. When I think life sucks I can remember that it hasn’t always. It won’t make the feelings go away, but if nothing else it reminds us that there is hope.

Today, I'll live like my glass is half full
There's light at the end of the tunnel
There's always a blessing in disguise
Or by your side
And I, I'm on the top of the world
I'm holding my chin up high
'Cause I'm livin' every day
Like it's the best fuckin' day of my life
(Let's go)

I’m not going to feel happy every day, and not every day is going to be a good one, but at the end of the day the question I have to ask myself is this: Am I really going to let this moment or this feeling ruin my life? I’m not going to live every day like it’s the best day of my life, but I hope I can remember that for as bad as a moment might be, there was a moment that was just as good as this was bad. I read once that brains naturally tend to remember and focus on negative things. It’s not always easy to see a bright side. Life is difficult, and that will never change.

What can change is my perspective. There’s a time to scream and cry and be angry, but there’s also a time to remind my brain that this feeling doesn’t define my life. When I feel like a failure, I hope I can also remember the times I wasn’t. When life feels hopeless, I want to remember the time’s I had hope. When life feels meaningless, I hope I can remember the times it was meaningful. Maybe I won’t right away, as I’ve said many times it’s important to let yourself feel and process whatever you’re feeling. When we are done though I hope we can hold our chins up high and live each day like it’s not the worst day of our lives.

Sincerely,
LIBD

#MusicMonday (Anxiety by Simple Plan)

Posted on by LIBD

Hey guys! Welcome to part 2! Ever since I got the great idea for a new series I hit a roadblock. Just between you and me, this was not at all what I originally planned. This is so much better than what I imagined in my head when I announced I was starting a new series. Also, I just saw Inside Out 2 and the way they portrayed Anxiety was so fascinating. I was sitting in the theater thinking, “omg I can’t wait to write about this”. Let’s get right into it. Also by the time this is posted my Etsy shop should be up and running so click the LIBD Designs page for more info about that. Self-promotion aside. Let’s do this.

The pressure comes, I can feel it now
I'm just another tragic case of
The only one I was missing out
Comparisons I can't escape from

I was at my friend’s house, and I told her Simple Plan had some new albums, but I was afraid to listen to them because I was worried that after so long, they may have lost their relatability. I was like “They have a song called Anxiety. I’ve got to hear it” In those first 4 verses I knew that they hadn’t changed a bit, and I was so relieved. Especially with all the drama I was dealing with. This quickly became my new favorite song.

Pre Chorus:
All these voices circling my head (oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)
I wish I was someone else instead
'Cause it all just brings me down

This takes me back to when I was in college. There’s this part in Inside Out 2… Okay, let me stop and say if you haven’t seen the movie, this whole post is a spoiler lol… There’s this scene where Anxiety is trying to get this group of girls to like Riley and be friends with them, and it’s really funny to watch because you can totally tell that she’s not acting like herself at all, and it reminded me of when I was in college and tried so hard to get people to like me, and in reality, I just embarrassed myself and looked stupid. I’m happy that it only took Riley a week to realize that it wasn’t working. It took me WAY longer.

Chorus:
Anxiety is killing me
All of these expectations are shaking up my sanity
I'm getting so tired of faking now

And dude it is SO exhausting, especially when you realize that no matter how hard you try you will never get everyone to like you. Expectations can only be so high before they become unrealistic. I don’t know about you but I’m so tired of trying to be perfect and not being perfect. Then hating myself for not being perfect. It truly is insanity.

Chorus continued:
It's all so much that I can't breathe
There must be something wrong with me
Reality is killing me
It's giving me anxiety

This is how I felt in April and May, the anxiety was killing me. In Inside Out 2, all Anxiety wanted to do was set Riley up for success. There’s a part near the end where she was like “What’s the worst that could happen? Well, I’m so glad you asked Joy…insert chain of catastrophes….. and then we die!” I was talking to my new psychiatrist today because I have an irrational fear of being poisoned (that wasn’t the reason I went it just came up when she asked me if I was paranoid), and you know what she told me? Well, it never hurts to be cautious as long as it’s not affecting your health or daily life. For the first time in forever, someone told me that my anxiety was good.

Anxiety, anxiety
(Get away, get away, get away, get away, get away from me)
Anxiety, anxiety

I’m not sure if he’s telling the anxiety to get away from him, or if he has social anxiety specifically so he’s telling people to get away from him. It’s very vague. Let me know your thoughts in the comments.

I try to run, gotta separate
It's everywhere, it's all around me

There are lots of things to be anxious about and after watching that movie and talking with my psychiatrist I realized Anxiety isn’t bad. It’s a good thing to a certain extent. The problem is when you let anxiety take over, which is exactly what happened to Riley in the movie. I think instead of getting rid of anxiety I just need to not let it control me. As my psychiatrist said, it’s good to be cautious. For example, if a stranger asks to meet you at a deserted location where no one would hear you scream, it’s your anxiety that’s gonna say, “You know what that sounds like a bad idea that could potentially end in death so I think we should pass”.

I try to sleep but I'm wide awake
'Cause every dream is filled with envy
[Insert Pre-Chorus and Chorus]

What’s hysterical is that Envy is another new emotion introduced inside out too. I spent so much time wishing I could be as successful as someone else, instead of figuring out what I could do to get there myself. I suppose envy isn’t bad either until it starts to lead to resentment and self-hatred. It reminds me of Ted Lasso when Kealy is asking which you would rather be, a panda or a lion. Then they ask Jamie and he says, “Coach I’m me, why would I want to be anything else” and Ted responds with, “I don’t think you realize how psychologically healthy that really is.” Oh, to have his confidence.

Anxiety, anxiety
(Get away, get away, get away, get away, get away from me)
Anxiety, anxiety
Turn everything, everything off Don't ever, don't ever look back[x2]
Let's turn everything, everything off Don't ever, don't ever look back[x2]
'Cause it all just brings me down
[Insert Chorus]

Do you ever wish you could turn your mind off? That sounds lovely. And never look back? Yes, please!!! Because it does, it all just brings me down. Agonizing over past events that I have no control of anymore, and constantly thinking about what I need to do to be better. I got this book that’s supposed to help with self-love and stuff, and since starting it there’s one phrase I’ve written a few times and need to keep reminding myself. “My worth has nothing to do with my accomplishments or lack of. I don’t need to do anything to be worthy of love and kindness.” I’m not sure how long I’ll have to keep telling myself that before I really and truly believe it, but I’m getting there. Slowly but surely.

Get away, get away, get away, get away, get away from me
Anxiety, anxiety
[x2]

At the end of Inside Out 2 when Anxiety is catastrophizing. Joy tells her “But none of that is going to happen today, is it?” Then she walks Anxiety over to her special chair and gives her some anxie-tea to drink (get it? Because it’s tea), and once Anxiety is calm and comfy they go back to what they were doing. I think my anxiety could use a comfy chair and tea to chill when it’s no longer helpful, alas it’s not that easy. I just have to ask myself when I’m feeling anxious if my anxiety is helping me or hurting me. If it’s not being helpful and only bringing me down maybe I can try to rationalize the situation that I’m worried about.

Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed today’s post, and if you haven’t seen Inside Out 2 yet, you got to go see it! I’ll see you next week for part 3, so please look forward to it. Always remember I’m cheering for you, and whatever it is that life throws at you you’ll be okay. Have a great week!

Sincerely,
LIBD

#Music Monday (Way Less Sad by AJR)

Posted on by LIBD

Hey y’all! I hope you are doing well. I can’t believe it’s July and I haven’t fallen behind in my posting schedule. Darn, I bet I just jinxed myself, thanks a lot, guys!! It’s not like there’s a backspace button or anything where I could just delete what I wrote and not jinx myself…. In a perfect world. Anyway, enough chitter chatter, let’s dive right in. You all read the title, right? I don’t have to do a fancy introduction. Y’all know what you’re reading, and if you don’t; Well, the fun is in the mystery. Let’s do this!!

I should move 'cause New York is gettin' muddy out
There's L.A. but it's always kinda sunny out

I keep saying I’m going to move to Arizona, but I hate moving. Also, I’ve discovered I’m one of those people who’s just never satisfied. 70 and Sunny is my ideal day. 60-70 is my ideal temperature zone for me to not complain. But I don’t like it super sunny either so I’ve just accepted wherever I want to move to, I would still complain. That’s just the kind of person I am

And I don't wanna hurt no more
So I set my bar real low

This is my secret to life. I’ve said before when I went to see Cats the Musical, my bar was set so low that even an ant couldn’t crawl under it. Because of that, I think I enjoyed the movie more than anyone else on earth. It was not nearly as horrible as I was expecting. They took a musical with no plot and made it into a movie that kind of had a plot and only changed the songs a bit. I still think they butchered Mungojerry and Rumpletezer’s song, but that’s not why we are here today.

[Pre-Chorus]
I'm a-okay, I'm a-okay 
You say it but you just don't mean it
You're so insane, you're so insane 
Shut up and just enjoy this feelin'

I’m not okay in the way most people mean when they say that, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I still have moments throughout the day that I enjoy. Right now I’m dealing with rotator cuff tendonitis which really sucks. I’d be more mad, but after 15 years I finally figured out what’s wrong with my arm so yay me!!!! I never say I’m good. I usually just say pretty good and sometimes I mean it, but feeling okay, like genuinely okay, is pretty fantastic.

[Chorus]
Don't you love it, don't you love it?
No, I ain't happy yet
But I'm way less sad
Don't you love it, don't you love it?
No, I ain't happy yet
But I'm way less sad

And you know what, I am WAY less sad than I used to be and I do love it. It’s quite refreshing. It feels good to wake up in the morning and not have any major catastrophes or crisis to deal with. Which is great since sometimes just dealing with my day can be a chore. You can’t always be happy though, so I have no problem settling with way less sad.

I wake up and I'm not so mad at Twitter now

The only way to not be mad at Twitter is to not be on Twitter, but maybe that was his strategy. Let me let you in on a secret… Twitter is stupid and pointless. If you want to stay in touch with someone, use Facebook. If you want a sense of community with random strangers, go join Reddit. The only thing people use Twitter for is to go pick fights with someone else whose life is so boring they also have nothing better to do than argue with rando’s online. I’m not so mad at Twitter anymore, but that doesn’t mean I hate it any less. Change my mind.

Livin' sucks but it's suckin' just a little now
And I don't wanna cry no more
So I set my bar real low

After 2 months of hell, I feel like anything would feel like a step up but I haven’t cried in like 2 weeks. How awesome is that? Please, hold your applause. You’re too kind, seriously stop clapping. I think I might start raising my bar just a bit. Maybe half an inch off the ground? That sounds like a good start, maybe in another week, I’ll raise it to a full inch who knows?

[Insert Pre-Chorus & Chorus]
I may wrong, I may be wrong
It's stupid but it's all I have

Maybe things aren’t actually great like I said in the last paragraph. When your life sucks that much for that long, anything is going to feel like a step up. I don’t care though. It’s stupid but it’s all I have. My counselor had to explain to me that I’m not having tiny manic episodes, I’m just actually happy and that’s a good thing. It feels good.

Don't you love it, don't you love it?
No, I ain't happy yet
But I'm way less sad

Quite frankly I’m not sure why he is asking. I don’t particularly care what you think of me or my feelings. If you are happy just be happy it doesn’t matter if anyone else loves it, I love it!!! Happiness still freaks me out a bit, but I can deal with way less sadness.

Well, I can't fall asleep and I'm losin' my mind
'Cause it's half-past three and my brain's on fire
I've been countin' sheep but the sheep all died
And I'm tryin' too hard but I can't not try

This is the problem with happiness. It always brings its side-kick excitement. I don’t need that when I’m trying to sleep!! How am I supposed to fall asleep if I’m all happy and looking forward to life? I hate how unnatural it feels. For example, I’m trying to fall asleep and it’s 11:30 and I have to work the next day, but all I can think about is how excited I am to open my Etsy shop. I was assured it’s not my bipolar disorder, but real genuine excitement which would be fine at like 3pm when my day starts dragging. Heaven forbid my feelings be convenient.

Well, I can't fall asleep and I'm losin' my mind
'Cause it's half-past three and my brain's on fire
I've been countin' sheep but the sheep all died
And I'm not dead yet, so I guess I'll be alright

That last line has gotten me through some of the worst days. When everything just seems so shitty I remember those words. It’s one thing to be told you’ll be alright, but it’s another thing entirely when I actually feel like I’m going to be alright. Sometimes those tiny little emotions feel more powerful than all the joy in the world.

[Insert Chorus]
I may be wrong, I may be wrong
It's stupid but it's all I have
Don't you love it, don't you love it?
No, I ain't happy yet
But I'm way less sad

I don’t think I’m wrong. Not right now at least. I’m not happy yet, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am way less sad.

Thank you so much for reading, I’ll post the song at the end. I got to see them perform this live along with a bunch of other amazing songs. It was sooooooooo much fun. Singing this song, and hearing it sung live. Not just because I like the songs, but because I truly believed the lyrics……. It’s hard to describe the sense of inner peace it gave me. I would love to see them again one day.

Don’t forget to like and leave a comment. Even if your comment is just that AJR is one of the best groups ever, you wouldn’t be wrong, so I’ll allow it. I hope you guys have a great week this week, and I will see you in 2 weeks with the intro to my new series ‘A Simple Plan for living life’. Get ready for even more music Mondays. I bet you’ll never guess which group it’s featuring…

Sincerely,
LIBD

abstract painting

#Music Monday (Doubt by Twenty-One Pilots)

Posted on by LIBD

I was sitting in my car today, and this song came on. It was a better day for me. I go back and forth between “I should just kill myself” and “Nah, I think it’s going to be alright.” It’s exhausting, but I’m still here… obviously. I hadn’t heard this song in a while, and I forgot how much I loved it.

I don’t really know how to be a Christian. Most people read their bible. Job and Eclissastes are pretty great (especially if you are depressed), and I have read it, but I don’t get those magical revelations that most people seem to get from reading their bible. Most of my prayers are like, “Hey God, I know you are probably busy, but…” I’m amazing at praying for others though. Personal prayers not so much, and that’s why I relate to this song so much I think. 가자!! (Guess who found her Korean Keyboard!!)

Scared of my own image
Scared of my own immaturity
Scared of my own ceiling
Scared I'll die of uncertainty

I’ve always been scared. Of everything. When I have to go talk to someone. I always ask someone else to tell me what to say. I’m terrified everyone can see my gray hairs. There’s like 6 of them now. So naturally, you can imagine the absolute horror I must have felt when my entire life had changed all at once. I feel like Stede in Our Flag Means Death when Izzy says,” I think you’re amazing, fascinating. I’ve never met anyone with such a total lack of skills. How you are still alive, I cannot say” just like Stede, I also ask myself that question daily.

Fear might be the death of me
Fear leads to anxiety
Don't know what's inside of me

If you could die from fear and anxiety, I would have been dead a long time ago. Alas, it does not kill you. It just eats you alive from the inside out until you can’t even think straight. Thank God for my anxiety medication. Also, friends. They’ve been amazing through all of this. It still feels a little bit like the universe is out to get me, and who runs the universe? That’s right, God. Then I wonder, “Is this because of that time in kindergarten or any of the other thousand mistakes I’ve made.” Maybe it’s because I don’t read my bible enough. It’s so boring, though, and how much do I have to read before my life magically gets better. That’s why I love this song.

Don't forget abou-bou-bou-bou-bout me
Don't forget abou-bou-bou-bou-bout me
Even when I doubt you
I'm no good without you
No,No

I know God is probably a busy otherworldly being or presence, and let’s be honest… While my life may feel like a catastrophe, there are actual wars going on and people with far more significant problems. I doubt God a lot. Not doubt that he’s there, although I do have moments I wonder why I believe. I doubt that he cares. I doubt that he listens to my prayers. Maybe he’s got bigger fish to fry. Maybe someone prayed that my soccer team would have a terrible season, and he’s preoccupied with fulfilling that request. I’m kidding; I know that’s not how it works. Well, I don’t know, but I would assume not.

Temperature is dropping
Temperature is dropping
I'm not sure if I can see this ever stopping

The difference is, I was scared to get a new job, but that happened in a week. A stressful week, but still just a week. I was scared to move away for college. I didn’t die, and then I got used to it pretty quickly. With this, though, I don’t see an end. I’m buying my mom’s car tomorrow, but that’s just one piece. I got a loan so I have to pay that back, and then I still have to find a place to live. This could go on for OVER A YEAR!! 미쳤어!!! Which is Korean for “how could I not lose my mind.” Not really, that’s how you say ‘it’s crazy.’ If you put a question mark at the end, it means, ‘Are you crazy?’

Shaking hands with the dark parts of my thoughts
No, you are all that I've got

Literally could not have described it better myself. I did a Music Monday for their song car radio a while back. This dude really has a way with words. I’m trying to ignore my dark thoughts, but they come and go just like emotions. So perhaps I should just accept them and remember they will pass. No matter how bad it feels.

No, don't forget abou-bou-bou-bou-bout me
Don't forget abou-bou-bou-bou-bout me
Even when I doubt you
I'm no good without you
No, no, no, no, no

It says God is there for every single person. He’s always with you, but I can’t see him and can’t talk to him. So how does that classify as being with someone? I know I’m not that great. I should be nicer, give more, be more grateful… It’s so hard though, and I’m not a nice person. I’m also not a happy person, so I can’t blame God if he happens to overlook me. As I stated before, there are worse things in life. But if you think I’m bad now, just imagine if I wasn’t a Christian… I’d be such a Karen. I’m no good without him… or Oneus. Part of me thinks God brought Oneus into my life to have people who bring me joy and hope that I can both see AND hear. AND HIGH FIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bro!!! I high-fived Xion AND Seoho, both of them!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH. I went to see Oneus in Kentucky, but shit hit the fan on the way home and permanently tarnished this beautiful memory. 

Gnawing on the bishops
Claw our way up their system
Repeating simple phrases someone Holy insisted

I just want to know that he hears me and cares because sometimes it just feels like empty words. I don’t sing much at church either. You can say I don’t try, but no matter how touching or true the words are, I just don’t get them. You should make a joyful noise to the Lord, and I do that every day on my way to and from work. Today, this was one of the songs.

Want the markings made on my skin
To mean something to me again

I got a tattoo a long time ago. The design itself was chosen because it’s a girl in the rain, and there’s this song by The Rose called She’s In The Rain. There’s a line that says, “It’s better to be held than holding on.” Above the design is the word Incomplete because of the Oneus song by that same name. The chorus translates to “It’s okay, even if it’s not perfect.” Lately, I’ve been sad when I see it because it doesn’t give me hope. It doesn’t even give me comfort. I want to hope again. When I saw Oneus perform, they did their song Life is Beautiful. I am not going to lie; I was kind of irritated by it because things were already starting to go downhill, even before the concert. But there’s one part where Xion sings, “Even if things don’t turn out the way you want…. Life is Beautiful”, and I am always reluctantly comforted by those words.

Hope you haven't left without me
Hope you haven't left without me, please

Don't forget abou-bou-bou-bou-bout me
Don't forget abou-bou-bou-bou-bout me
Even when I doubt you 
I'm no good without you, no
[x2]
No, no, no, no

So, if I could tell God something and know he heard me, I would say this… I’m not the best. You know I’m not. Not the best Christian, the best receptionist, or the best human. Right now, I don’t even think I’m the best Erin, but I want to be. Please don’t leave me behind. Please don’t forget about me. Sometimes I doubt you, but we both know I’m no good without you. I won’t get an answer (I’ve specifically asked him not to appear to me like the people in the bible because I know it would freak me out. Honestly, who wouldn’t though).

Thanks for reading; I hope this wasn’t too long. This doesn’t feel that spectacular, but being a Christian isn’t about feelings, which kind of makes me feel like what’s the point, but that’s just because I’m in an angsty mood right now. I have a lot going on, but maybe you do too. If so… well, whoever figures out the magic cure first can share with the class haha. Wish me luck, pray for me, send me positive vibes, or whatever it is you can offer. I hope it wasn’t too boring. I’ll see you in 2 weeks!

Sincerely,
LIBD