Tag: Life is hard

Reality Checkmate

Posted on by LIBD

I have this theory that people with bigger imaginations are more prone to depression. Maybe it’s just me. I was thinking about this on my way home from work today. The song King and Lionheart by Of Monsters and Men came on and it reminded me of the kind of stories I used to read.

I would read anything fantasy and adventure. I was always jealous of the main characters because, at the beginning of the books everyone is just like me. A boring human living their boring life. Not a lot of friends not very popular. Usually, their future goals and dreams aren’t even brought up. They don’t need to because we will watch their future unfold as the story goes on.

One of my favorite stereotypical plots is the girl with no friends who catches the attention of the new guy who won’t give anyone but her the time of day. I don’t mean twilight. That’s not a good example of how you want to start a relationship. There are lots of others. Then it goes on and she turns out to be a queen of this whole other universe she didn’t know existed. Maybe she goes on an adventure and isn’t the queen but discovers this new world and falls in love with the cute elf that she used to hate at the beginning, but throughout the story they grow to like and respect each other.

Frodo got to go on a mega-adventure to get the ring to Mordor!! He also almost died like 4 times though so maybe not that one. Narnia was fantastic!! That’s a great example of the fairy tale life I would like. I used to always have my head in a book. I only read fiction I never read non-fiction or historical books or stuff like that. Never. Do you want to know why? Reality is boring!!! It’s so boring. It’s mundane and predictable, and you are almost certainly guaranteed to NOT get a happy ending. Why on Gods green earth would I read that when I live it every day.

When I was a little girl, I would dream of all the great things that I would accomplish. I would become a famous speaker and travel around the world inspiring millions of kids with my life story and words of wisdom. The only problem is my story isn’t that inspiring. My life is a book I would most DEFINITELY never ever read.

The only problem is that this dreadful work of non-fiction is my life. This is where I’m at, and I’m going to be 30 next year. My imagination can keep dreaming up all the awesome things it wants, but at the end of the day, this is the story I’m stuck with. I’m not special, I didn’t get my Hogwarts letter, and I’m not saving a mythical realm. There are no dragons or unicorns anywhere, and every new guy I’ve ever known couldn’t care less.

I thought the title was super clever! I’m actually really proud of myself for coming up with it. I may be turning 30, but my imagination stopped aging after 13. I can never decide if that’s actually a good thing or not. Because that is the problem when you spend so much time imagining the possibilities.

As year after year goes by, I realize time is going on and on and my life is still just this sad pathetic work of non-fiction. Reality slaps me across the face and calls checkmate. Suddenly I start to think maybe I should have spent less time reading those books and watching those movies and more time playing chess because I have no idea what I’m supposed to do now.

So let’s talk about imagination vs. reality. Do I just lay down and accept defeat? Try to come to terms with the fact that my whole life is this lame boring saga of uneventfulness. It doesn’t even matter if I would rather die than read it because I’m living it, and it’s just as boring as I had feared. Where do I go from here? What do I do next? The only thing I know for certain is that I’m definitely not in one of those books so I very well may not even get a happy ending and if this is all there is then what’s the point you know?

Wow, I’m sorry that got super depressing, but honestly, I have to keep up that delusion of possibilities. When everything and everyone around you is yelling checkmate, IT IS really depressing. This is another one of those posts where I don’t have a conclusion. Everyone has to ‘face the music’ eventually, but how long do I have to face it before I can start pretending that one day something awesome might happen. Maybe one day I’ll walk through the right wardrobe.

I was watching Hidden Figures which was based on a true story, but it was a true story about the type of people I always dreamed I might be, so it was fine. Anyway, there’s this one scene where there’s this rocket that’s coming back from outer space and there’s a problem with the heat shield and they decide not to tell the pilot. They could’ve yelled checkmate. They could have said it loud and clear, but they chose not to because sometimes ignorance truly is bliss. Is that so wrong?

I don’t know how I ended up writing so much. I was actually thinking about giving up on this blog, but I think I’m going to choose ignorance and keep up the fantasy that eventually it will be read by millions with new comments and likes every single day. Because that’s the kind of story I would want to read. I can’t stand sad endings because we all know life sucks, you really don’t need to make a movie about it. That’s why books are always better. 9/10 very predictable, super engaging, and honestly, I need a break from this trainwreck I’m living. I stopped reading because I thought it would help discourage my imagination. Obviously, that hasn’t worked.

I’m going to keep telling myself that age is just a number because I’m not ready to lay down and accept defeat just yet. It may be getting harder to escape from reality, but I’m not going to stop trying. No matter how many TV shows or movies I watch. No matter how many books I read. Reality is always going to be there to scream checkmate right into my face. I don’t know about you, but that almost sounds like a challenge to me…. Well, jokes on reality because everyone who knows me knows the lengths I’m willing to go to just for the sake of proving a point. Challenge accepted.

I’ve got another post in the works, but it’s been in the works for months now. Thank you to everyone who read to the end and I’m sorry I can’t give you a time frame for the next one but thank you for reading and please let me know what you think. I hope you have a very happy Holiday Season!!!!

Sincerely,
LIBD

assorted color star decor on maroon textile

#MusicMonday (Best Day of my life by Simple plan)

Posted on by LIBD

Surprise!!!! After writing frown, taking some time to be sad and angry, and getting a short but sweet pep talk from my friend. I think I wanna write it. Keeping in mind what I mentioned in last weeks post, I think it’s going to be a little different than what I thought I would write. That’s been how this entire series has gone though, so I’m not worried. I’ve been pleasantly surprised by how it’s turned out so far.

How many good things in my life have I missed out on
By not appreciated what I've got

A lot, but a long time a wrote a post where I mentioned how it’s hard to appreciate things you’ve always had. Until recently, I took for granted having my own space in my mom’s basement, it was just part of my life. I didn’t appreciate not having to think about every purchase I made and whether I could afford something or not. Since I moved in with my dad I’ve got 3 drawers and a foot and a half of closet space for my clothes, outside of work clothes and pj’s I’ve got maybe 4-5 summer shirts and 5-6 long-sleeve or hoodies. I never appreciated the variety I had to pick from. I’m so sick of wearing the same things over and over again.

Sometimes it's hard to see your lucky break for what it is
By only focusing on what it's not

I have this bad habit of always raising the bar. It started out if only I could drive my life would be better. Then it was if only I had a real job, I could be proud of myself. If only my blog had a few readers… If only my views were more consistent, I would be successful. If only I could get out of my mom’s house, I’d be better. Now it’s if only I had my own place I could be proud of myself. I never take time to be proud of myself, I just raise the bar in hopes of one day “having my life together”.

[Pre-Chorus Part 1]
But now I'm starting to see
That my happiness has always been up to me

Some days I do see it. We can’t control what happens to us, but we can control our reactions. For example: after my little crisis the other day, I could choose to focus on that or try to move past that and realize that what I was upset about doesn’t define myself or my life. It’s so hard though, but my life doesn’t have to suck if I don’t want it to. It’s good to be sad and it’s good to be angry, but I shouldn’t let those temporary feelings dictate whether my life is good or bad. It’s whatever I decide it will be today, and today I think I’ll stop being angry and sad about things that I can’t change.

[Pre-Chorus Part 2]
And now I'm starting to see
That I've already got what I need

When you reach the point where you can separate yourself from your feelings, you can look at it from a different perspective. I have a few perspectives that I tend to go back to. The ‘It could be worse’ perspective, the ‘look how far I’ve come’ perspective, or the ‘in the grand scheme of life, is this the hill I want to die on?’ perspective. It depends on the situation. It could be worse doesn’t really work because what I’m mad about isn’t necessarily something that could be that much worse. Looking at how far I’ve come might help, but I haven’t come nearly as far as I hoped, and that’s the problem.

The last one I think is my best bet given the situation. Out of all my problems, if this was the worst one, I wouldn’t even be mad about it. My life would have to be pretty great for this trivial matter to be the worst. I talked in the first post about people ruining your life, but problems and events can have the same power if we let them. Is this really the hill I want to die on. Is this really the thing that I’m going to let ruin my life. No, if anything is going to ruin my life, this is definitely near the bottom. I think it’s time to suck it up and move on.

[Chorus]
Today, I'll live like my glass is half full
There's light at the end of the tunnel
There's always a blessing in disguise
Or by your side
And I, I'm on the top of the world
I'm holding my chin up high
'Cause I'm livin' every day
Like it's the best f**kin' day of my life

I don’t think I could live every day like that. Realistically I don’t think any sane person could, but it’s a good reminder to step back and try to look at it from a different perspective. It’s not going to make it easier and it’s not going to make it go away, but it might make it smaller. I have a tendency when something is wrong to project that feeling on my entire life, but an Etsy shop with no traffic or views is hardly a reflection of my entire life as a whole. Just saying out loud sounds even stupider than I already know it was.

It's time to stop with all the judging by comparison
There's always someone who's got so much more

A lot of someone’s actually, somewhere out there though there’s also someone jealous of you. I promise. There are more successful people than me, there are more successful Etsy shops than mine, but there’s nobody else on earth who can be me better than I can. There’s no one on earth who could be you better than you can.

So what's the point of tryna keep up with it anyway?
Just live your life instead of keeping score
[Insert Pre-Chorus & Chorus]

Everyone’s got problems. Let’s not be jealous of other people’s problems just because they seem happy. Maybe I could be happy. Maybe I could be successful. Maybe I already am. The only reason I think I’m not, is because I use other people as a standard of what I think success looks like. If I take other people out of the equation, I’m just a person who tries really hard and has accomplished a lot. That’s something I think I could be proud of. I hope you can be proud of you too.

Every sunset, every wake
Every time I see your face
Moments I appreciate
I won't let them go to waste

If I can be mad that my Etsy shop isn’t doing well then can’t I also be impressed with how well I did at my last event? Why aren’t I? I can be mad that I don’t have my own horse, so why can’t I smile and remember all the time I spent with Melody and Sunshine. Why is it always the bad things I try so hard to hold onto?

Every high and every low
Every path and every road
Every moment, I'll embrace
I won't let them go to waste

I want to challenge myself whenever I think of something negative to think of something positive that has to do with whatever I was thinking about. What’s the point of good memories besides remembering them when life gets hard. When I’m sad they can remind me that I was also happy, when I think I’m failing they can remind me of my successes. When I think life sucks I can remember that it hasn’t always. It won’t make the feelings go away, but if nothing else it reminds us that there is hope.

Today, I'll live like my glass is half full
There's light at the end of the tunnel
There's always a blessing in disguise
Or by your side
And I, I'm on the top of the world
I'm holding my chin up high
'Cause I'm livin' every day
Like it's the best fuckin' day of my life
(Let's go)

I’m not going to feel happy every day, and not every day is going to be a good one, but at the end of the day the question I have to ask myself is this: Am I really going to let this moment or this feeling ruin my life? I’m not going to live every day like it’s the best day of my life, but I hope I can remember that for as bad as a moment might be, there was a moment that was just as good as this was bad. I read once that brains naturally tend to remember and focus on negative things. It’s not always easy to see a bright side. Life is difficult, and that will never change.

What can change is my perspective. There’s a time to scream and cry and be angry, but there’s also a time to remind my brain that this feeling doesn’t define my life. When I feel like a failure, I hope I can also remember the times I wasn’t. When life feels hopeless, I want to remember the time’s I had hope. When life feels meaningless, I hope I can remember the times it was meaningful. Maybe I won’t right away, as I’ve said many times it’s important to let yourself feel and process whatever you’re feeling. When we are done though I hope we can hold our chins up high and live each day like it’s not the worst day of our lives.

Sincerely,
LIBD

photo of person wearing neon green socks

Here, Now

Posted on by LIBD

Hello world!!! I’ve been decorating my car with cute kpop and BT21 decals. I’m not done yet, but I’m having fun. I am officially a 2 job person. 10/10 do not recommend, but I don’t really have a choice. I’m always tired, or sore, or angsty. I’m hoping I’ll get used to it soon.

I saw this movie a long time ago and loved it so much that I bought it as soon as it was released. It’s called Next Goal Wins. It’s about a soccer team that is bad, like REALLY bad. Not just “haven’t you ever heard of forward passing bad,” but atrocious. They lost 31-0, and I googled it in the theater because I didn’t believe it, but it’s true.

There’s a conversation near the end of the movie that really stood out to me. The coach (Thomas Rongen) will be C, and the guy he’s talking to (Tavita) will be F since he’s the head of FFAS…

C: What is it with you? Why are you always so positive? It’s sickening! You should coach them. They believe in you.
F: They believe in you, but you have to show them who you are!…  Ever since you got to our island, you’ve been somewhere else. Even now, you’re somewhere else. Maybe it’s in the past because you thought you were happier then. But I think you could be happy here now! But you’ve got to be here now.
C: I can’t win.
F: Then lose. But don’t lose alone; lose with us. And there’s always the second half. That’s another chance

Much like Mr. Rongen, I’m not a happy person. I also find excessive positivity sickening. It’s obnoxious sometimes, but I would never say it to someone’s face like he did. It’s funny because, with as much guilt and shame as I feel about the past, the thing I regret most is not appreciating how good I had it. It’s very unfortunate that only hindsight is 20/20. I often don’t realize the good in my life until it’s gone. Then I feel bad that I spent all that time worrying and being ungrateful when I could have just been happy.

I like the part when Tavita says, “Then lose. But don’t lose alone. Lose with us”. It reminds me of that quote from Ted Lasso when he says,” There’s only one thing worse than being sad, and that’s being alone and being sad.” They still had a second half to play, unlike Ted Lasso’s team, who had already lost.

I remember one time, Tottenham was losing 2-0 with only 15 minutes plus added time, and I decided to stop watching. Then, I got a notification that they scored. Then I got a notification that they scored again, and they ended up winning the game 3-2. I gave up before the game ended and missed an action-packed ending because I assumed there was no way we could come back from that with 15 minutes left. Now, I always watch till the end.

Sometimes in life, it feels like I just can’t win no matter what I do, and it’s easiest to just give up. 2 weeks ago, Tottenham played Man City, and it was a fabulous game. Not because we won. We didn’t, but it was a fantastic game because Tottenham refused to go down without a fight, and they fought till the very last second.

I’d seen them win games in which I couldn’t for the life of me figure out how they won with how poorly they were playing. This loss was still a win in my book. Back to the movie though. Soon after the conversation, the coach tells the players that they have reminded him that he’s always loved playing more than he loved winning.

When I got back into horseback riding after a long time away, I started out on this fantastic gelding named Jack. He was an absolute gem for me. I never understood when I saw other riders struggling to get him to listen. He was always an eager-to-please type of guy for me.

After my 3rd lesson, my instructor asked me how I liked Jack, and I told her, “He does everything I ask him to with no hesitation and no protest…” After a moment of silence, she asked if I was getting bored and wanted more of a challenge, to which I agreed, and that’s when I met Sunny.

She dumped me in the dirt on my second ride. I took a few months of some rocky rides and a few lessons in which neither me nor Sunny had a good time. But after we got used to each other, we became besties. She also listened very well, but there was always a bit of protest or hesitation to keep me on my toes. There was never a dull day with Sunshine. I hope if I ever get my own horse, I can find one like her. I haven’t seen her in at least a year, and I miss her so much.

I would give anything to go out and ride her again. I’ve always been what psychiatrists like to call a black-and-white thinker. I see no gray area. Things are either good or bad, and if it’s not good, then it must be bad. If my life isn’t great, then it must be horrible, and my psychiatrist has tried to explain gray areas to me, but I just don’t get it.

I think the coach in the movie had the same problem as I did. He knew what life was like when it was good, and since it wasn’t like that, then it had to have been bad because it obviously wasn’t good. I think I kind of get gray areas now.

One thing I’ve learned from Tottenham is that you can play great and lose, just like you can play poorly and win. I have to ask myself if I want to win or if I just want to play a good game. You can’t win every game. Even Argentina, who won the World Cup, lost one of their games. Manchester City lost to the Wolves this past season, which must have been a real embarrassment because they finished on the top of the board (The Wolves did not). You also learn more through losing than through winning. So if good isn’t always good and bad isn’t always bad, then maybe life just is.

I don’t know if this made any sense to you. I apologize if it was confusing but thank you to everyone who stuck with it until the end. What are your thoughts? Feel free to leave a comment and let me know. I’m trying really hard to stay consistent with my posting schedule, so I’ll see you in two weeks…… Lord willing, and the creek don’t rise, or however the saying goes. No, I’m not crazy; people do say that.

Sincerely,
LIBD

orange fish underwater

Angry? Me? Never!

Posted on by LIBD

So, when I was talking to my psychiatrist, we started talking about anger. It all started when I talked about something I was mad about, and I told her about this personality test I took. My friends were able to fill it out too, and when talking about anger, they ranked me much higher than I ranked myself. One person put me all the way at the “most described” end of the scale. I don’t get angry, though. I may get mad and angsty, but I don’t yell at people. Then, I learned that anger doesn’t always look like that.

She talked about something like low frustration tolerance. The name is pretty much the definition, but you can look it up. She said most people who experience it have a more explosive type of anger, while mine is just a severe irritation. Then I remembered all the times I’d vented in all caps, yelling in my car at people who couldn’t drive. How one thing can happen, and I decide my entire day is ruined. Venting out loud to nobody is another good one. The way I can hold a grudge FOREVER if I so desire. That’s right mom, I haven’t forgotten that time 7 years ago when you said we could go to Outback, and then made other dinner plans with my brother and his girlfriend. My brother’s girlfriend broke her leg, so we didn’t end up eating dinner anyway. Maybe she wouldn’t have hurt her leg if you kept your promise and rescheduled with them.

I know, I know. She could have broken her leg anywhere that day, but it was in our yard, so….. My mom doesn’t read this, so please don’t tell her about it. She loses her mind when I bring it up. Like I said, though, I’m not an angry person. Sure, there was that time I couldn’t open that 20oz of cherry coke, so I used cuticle scissors to stab a hole in the top of the lid big enough to put a straw into. Anyone would be angry if they spent 10 minutes trying to open a bottle of soda. Maybe I overreacted a little, but I think it was more determination than anger. Determination is a valuable trait. When I can’t find something, I just say it’s lost and decide to buy a new one. I don’t buy a new one right away, so what if I cried about cheap earbuds. I loved them, and that’s sadness, not anger.

After thinking it over and talking about different things, I accepted that maybe I have a low frustration tolerance. However, I still wouldn’t consider myself angry. Then I got quietly furious at the shoe store because they had the box in the wrong spot and did not have that shoe in my size. After that, I was like, “Okay, I can see why it may appear to others as if I have anger issues.” Today though, was the icing on top of the cake, or the lid on top of the cup. I was at a drive-through, and I have a system. I give them my payment and they give me the drink. Then, I unwrap the straw and put it in the drink. Then i accept my receipt and my food. Same routine every time. I love it! Today, however, there was a glitch in that routine. I went to put my straw in the cup, and it just bent a bit. I tried again, and it bent again.

I could have tried the other end of the straw. I could’ve waited until I got my food and then pulled to the side to give it another go. I could’ve even stuck my pinky in the hole, as I sometimes do as a last resort to bend the little triangles where the straw goes. That’s not what I did. After only 2 tries, I shove my thumb where the straw should have gone, and broke the lid. Then I got even more furious when some of it splashed out because they picked today to fill it all the way up. As I was driving away, I could no longer deny that I am a very angry person.

She recommended finding something to help release stress and anger. Since screaming into a dark, endless abyss was unrealistic, we settled on darts and screaming into a pillow. I don’t scream or yell, though; I’m not sure I remember how to. Maybe I’ll look into other techniques. Breaking things would be fabulous, but those places cost money. Perhaps if I let myself be angry sometimes, I wouldn’t get mad about every little thing. I guess I know what I’ll be talking about at my next session. I still don’t think I’m an angry person though. Angsty, most definitely, but not angry.

Thank you for reading. If anyone has any strategies for coping with anger, feel free to share it in the comments. I’ll see you in 2 weeks!

Sincerely,
LIBD

brown padded chair

It Gets Better by Dotan

Posted on by LIBD

Hey guys. I hope this month has been treating you well. I don’t think I’ve ever written this many Music Mondays in a long while, so there probably won’t be many more once this series ends. I know, I know, I’ll shut up. This is another comfort song of mine. I try not to listen to it unless I’m having a horrible day because it’s a bit of a downer, but driving home from my friend’s house last night, it felt right. I had a great time, but then I had to go back to my life, and the feeling hit me once again.

There's paper peeling off the walls
I see the paint from yesteryear
We try to cover up the past
But tiny secrets still appear

I remember this time last year, I was doing great. I was ready to face the world. My mental health was probably the best it had been in a long while. I don’t know what happened to that girl. I really miss her. I’m a mess, my room is a mess, my head is a mess, and my future is uncertain. I feel like I’m falling apart, and there’s nothing I can do except watch it happen.

So please don't say it gets better
It gets better, it gets better on with time
I'm not better
We're not better, even after all this time

I keep waiting for it to get better like it always does. But it isn’t getting better. If anything, I feel like I’m getting worse. Things are more complicated. I feel like mentally, I’ve taken 20 steps back. I miss feeling good. I miss feeling hope. You know how I love to talk about my favorite soccer team. Their story for this season is pretty similar to mine. They started off strong. Things were really looking up. We lost Harry Kane, but we don’t need him anymore because we’ve got James Madison. I could have sworn this would be our season. But between injuries, suspensions, and a few bad calls, it went downhill really fast. We don’t even have Sonny because he’s playing in the Asia Cup, and we are playing Man City next. I’m not getting my hopes up, even with our new recruits.

The kitchen floor's a checkered board
We've tried to end this game for years
The tiles are cracked, the color's changed
The battleground is all but cleared

I realized that having depression is a lot like having the kind of muscular dystrophy I have. It could be worse, so I shouldn’t complain. But it’s almost cruel in a way. In terms of MD, I’m close enough to fine that sometimes I almost feel normal. Then something happens, or something hurts, and I’m slapped in the face with my limitations. Depression is similar. I don’t always feel depressed. Last night, I cooked some meals and watched Our Flag Means Death with my friend. It was so much fun; we laughed so hard, and I had a great time. It reminded me of when I was happy and doing good. At that moment, I thought I was, but now I’m back home, and I kind of want to cry. How on earth can I be so great and suddenly so awful. If I was depressed 24/7, it probably wouldn’t feel as bad.

So please don't say it gets better
It gets better, it gets better on with time
I'm not better
We're not better, even after all this time
Caught in the cobwebs
Memories linger in these rooms
Under the floorboards
Sweeping the stories we outgrew

I know part of it’s my fault. Messy space=messy head=messy life. I can’t bring myself to clean. I told myself this year that in between work days when I have time off, I would pick one thing and do it. So why haven’t I? All of this combined is reminding me of before, when I was really bad. I always write about how it’ll get better because it always does. This time feels different, though. It should be better by now. I should be better by now. But I’m not. If anything, I’m worse.

It's not a place to call home
Just a place we've been for years
The garden weeds have overgrown
We've overstayed our welcome here

This describes my living situation. I still live with my mom and her husband. I kind of feel like I have. It’s mine, but not really. I wanna have my own space that’s all mine. I’m worried I’ll let it fall into disarray like I have here. Will I ever be able to move forward? Get out of this place. Somewhere where I can just be. I want a home. My home. I don’t want to worry about people being mad because I don’t come upstairs to talk or worry about forgetting to say hi or ignoring someone because, honestly, I don’t want them there. I just don’t know if it will ever happen. Why should I move out? Just so I can go make a mess somewhere else? Just so I can be a mess somewhere else?

So please don't say it gets better
It gets better, it gets better on with time
I'm not better
We're not better, even after all this time
It gets better, it gets better
It gets better, it gets better on with time
I'm not better
We're not better, even after all this time

Even after all this time….
If you haven’t listened to this song, you totally should. It’s a great crying song, and just a great song to sit and feel. Life sucks sometimes, and some things won’t ever get better. Not after all the time in the world, but there are a lot of things that could potentially change. As to whether or not they actually will….. Time will tell, I suppose. Don’t forget to check my Instagram for the final song in the series. Hint: If you liked this one you are gonna love the next one

Sincerely,
LIBD

high angle shot of a person walking alone in the desert

Dune by Ateez

Posted on by LIBD

When I first heard this song, I was like, “I don’t know what you are so angry about, but I feel it, bro, I feel it.” I finally looked up the lyrics one day and said, “Wow. They really get me.” Ateez is another K-pop group, they have a different style than Oneus but they have a lot of relatable lyrics.

The light in my deserted heart
Reflected in a broken mirror
The desire in my eyes is disappearing
Further and further down

Sometimes, I see the mess in my life, and I just get so frustrated. I don’t have words. I just have lots of feelings that are overwhelming, and then I’ll grab my headphones and put this song on. Perhaps everything is awful, and my life is falling apart. In those moments, it feels so good to be mad.

The pouring rain falls and presses on my head (Presses)
Struggling so hard to get up somehow (use my strength)
I'm suffocating, I can't even count the sacrifices
I'm falling endlessly (I'm still falling down)

Sometimes I dig myself into a hole so deep I wonder if it’s worth the effort to try and get out. Perhaps even my best effort wouldn’t be enough, so it’s so much easier to accept defeat instead of trying to keep fighting to get out. It’s not that I haven’t tried, but how long should I try before it becomes insanity. After all, they say insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result.

[Pre-Chorus] Heaven's door
Is unreachable and getting
further and further away

The more I try, the more I want to give up. At this point, it just feels like a losing battle. I don’t know how it even got to this.

[Chorus] What am I hurt for?
Of countless people, why me?
Who should I blame?
I Still hear it, keep your head down
Oh-oh Breathless here everyday
Oh-oh, I can't escape it

I’ve said before that depression is like sitting in a dark room, having no idea where you are, and waiting for someone to come rescue you….. Except you know that no one is coming. It’s not anyone else’s problem though, so as nice as it would be, how could I blame anyone else. If I know that no one is coming, shouldn’t I just start trying to get out on my own? Am I a crazy person? Well, more so than my usual crazy.

Yeah, yeah
Broken lights, panic (Panic)
Tied up in chains
You could be my doll
Lost in my desire
Pop, pop
Forcefully knocked back in defeat
Into shaking waves down, down
The wind's pressure wraps around

I love it when rappers put English lyrics in their Korean songs. It just doesn’t translate well. It just sounds weird. Setting the first part aside, the second part is pretty accurate. I don’t think I could say it any better myself.

Hey, save me here, help me
Hold my hand, please hold me
Water, the water keeps drying up, I'm thirsty
Even if I scream, it doesn't come out

Depression is surprisingly quiet for such a loud emotion. It seems crazy to be feeling everything I’m feeling and not make a sound. That’s the nice thing about K-pop songs like this. Even without reading the English translation, I can feel the gist of the lyrics just by listening. That’s how it feels when I’m feeling all these things, but I can’t verbalize that madness. It’s okay though; Ateez did it for me.

Into the depths
I'm in danger of disappearing
Can you remember
Will I be able to remember
Even with the shriek of my desperation
[Pre-Chorus & Chorus]

It gets worse when I’m alone, but I think that’s just because that’s when I have time to fix things and don’t. I could clean my room, shower, brush my teeth, fold my clothes, or even wash my face. I don’t, though, and that just makes me madder because then I can’t blame anyone but myself for my misery. Sometimes, I don’t even remember what it was like to feel good. I just can’t even imagine it anymore. I’m so jealous of shower everyday people.

The fingertips of despair tempt me
As if I could run away
Run away, run away, far away
I can't take it anymore

I’m sick of it. I’m sick of feeling like this. I’m sick of not doing anything about it. Running away isn’t an option for me, but I also don’t know how to deal with the situation in front of me. I can’t live in my mom’s basement I don’t want to live in the giant mess. I want to move out and I want to move forward. I had a teacher who use to tell us “This too shall pass, even if you don’t”. It doesn’t apply to every situation, but I still like it.

Mayday, mayday, mayday
Fade out, fade out, fade out
Why are you doing this to me, why
I want to live

What did I do? Am I actually cursed, or am I just ruining my own life with my laziness and negativity? I don’t even like who I am anymore. I wake up in the morning trying to figure out what I can wear to look good enough. Can they notice that I haven’t washed my hair. Then I get to work, and worry if I’m doing a good job. Did I succeed in making myself look presentable. I mean, I was never my biggest fan, but still. I remember a time when I didn’t hate myself. Wouldn’t that be nice?

What am I hurt for?
Of countless people, why me?
Who should I blame?
I Still hear it, keep your head down
Oh-oh
Breathless here everyday
Oh-oh
I can't escape it
Oh-oh, Out of breath here every day
Oh-oh Can't escape

I hate feeling trapped. I finally got my driver’s license, only to find out that I can’t drive away from all my problems. It’s nice to have songs like this that can give the words to say what I can’t. I’ll see you guys next week, and don’t forget to follow me on Instagram for a sneak peek at next week’s song.

Sincerely,
LIBD

photo of person holding alarm clock

Better by OneRepublic

Posted on by LIBD

This song almost feels like it’s mocking me right now. It used to make me feel so much better.

I don't set alarms
Lately I don't set alarms
But that's because of the ringing that's happening inside my head
Inside my head

Bro, I wish. I don’t set alarms on my days off anymore. If my brain suddenly wants to sleep till noon, who am I to say no? I can never sleep in too long though, because I have to let my dog out. I dread my alarms in the morning when I work; I don’t want to go to work anymore. Everything in my life is going wrong, and I’m supposed to just go to work like everything’s fine. Dying inside and cheerfully answering the phone and greeting everyone who comes in.

Yeah yeah
It keeps me safe from harm
At least I tell myself I'm safe from harm
But really, it's probably filling my dreams with dread
So I get out of bed

That’s one thing that hasn’t changed since I got out of the psych ward all those years ago. I get out of bed. When I’m not working, it’s usually only to move to the couch, but it’s still something, and that’s better than nothing I guess. I don’t want to go to work, but I’m not sure I’m any better off staying home, stuck with my thoughts and frustrations.

Yeah yeah
Yes, I'm neurotic. I'm obsessed, and I know it
I can't take vacations in my brain, or believe me I'd be on one
Hawaii under warm sun
Yeah yeah

It’s like my brain will never shut off, and even in those brief moments when things are going good, my brain still manages to freak out about something. Wouldn’t it be so nice to just not think? There are those mindfulness exercises where you imagine yourself on a beach and relax. The problem with that is I’m not stupid. I know I’m not on a beach. I’m happy for anyone who has found exercises like that helpful. I wish my brain would cooperate enough for that. Maybe I’m too pessimistic; maybe it’s because I have ADHD, but my brain just doesn’t work like that.

Chorus: I think I lost my mind
Don't worry about me
Happens all the time
In the morning, I'll be better
In the morning, I'll be better
Sing it again
I think I lost my mind
But don't worry about me
Happens all the time
In the morning, I'll be better
Things are only getting better
Sing it again
Sing it again

I used to believe that, but those words remind me of a scene in this show called Our Flag Means Death. Ed, Stede, and the pirate queen just finished fighting all these British soldiers. The pirate queen compliments Ed on this spectacular flip thing he did when he killed one of the soldiers during the battle. Then Stede chips in (Ed and Stede are a thing, but it’s complicated, and you’d have to watch it), talking about his (very minimal) contribution to the fight, asking if they saw it. Ed turns to Stede and says, “I saw it. You were great babe,” but he says it in the voice I use when my friend shows me something I don’t care about, so I say, “That’s cool,” just to be polite. That’s how these words sound to me. It’s like, “Oh, yeah, it’ll be okay,” half-heartedly thrown out there as a nice thought that they hope I will believe. That’s just where I’m at right now though.

I'll tell myself I'll change
That's right, I tell myself I'll change
But then I begin to realize that the problems inside my veins
But it's inside my veins (vein)
Yeah yeah

If I had a dollar for every time I said I would be better, I’m gonna buckle down, or I’m not gonna let myself go on like this…. It’s so easy to say, but it’s starting to feel like maybe I’m doomed to be a lazy, depressed loner who will never get her shit together. That show I was talking about got canceled. There was supposed to be a 3rd season. It didn’t get canceled until after I became a fan, just like everything else I ever liked. It’s certainly starting to feel personal.

I swear I'm not insane
Yes, most likely not insane
Everybody goes through moments of losing their clarity
At least I'm never boring
But I've been losing sleep so call the doctor said take one of these
And call me in the morning
[Chorus]

I’m not crazy. I asked my psychiatrist. She said I wasn’t, but I think she was just being nice. I understand we all go through difficult times, but this feels different. She said I’m spiraling, so at least now I know why everything is awful. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do about it. The show getting canceled reminded me, just like when they made Ravn leave, that everything in life is out of my control. I’m at the mercy of whatever cruel thing life would like to subject me to next. Yay me. (please note the sarcasm)

So here's the question asked
Of all the things you love, the people and places from the future to your ancient past
Of every one of those which one will cause you to let it go, let it go
Need to crash

Those words hurt my head. I don’t know what to make of them, and my brain is too tired to think. If any of you would like to do me a solid and leave your interpretation in the comments, that would be amazing.

Think you lost your mind
Well, don't worry about it
Happens all the time
In the morning, you'll be better
Things are only getting better
Sing it again
[Chorus]

Sincerely,
LIBD

person holding brown leaf

Can You Feel the Sun (Missio)

Posted on by LIBD

Hey y’all. It’s been a hot minute, huh. This series is special because it will be all Music Monday posts. Follow @libd_blog on instagram to get a preview of the next song in the series. Alright let’s go.

Below the willow tree
Is where I hide the darkest parts of me
They're hiding underneath
The broken lies that I just still believe

Spoiler alert: I’m not doing so hot. If the 4 or more months of silence since my last post didn’t give it away. I’m starting to feel like my job is just too fancy for me. I’m not even going to get started on the state of my basement. Kota is doing pretty good, so at least someone is, but that someone is not me.

Below the willow tree
Is where I sit and hate on my enemies
I drown 'em in my dreams
I think it's me who needs some humility

I would like to clarify that I do not dream of my enemies. I hardly ever remember dreams in general, and when I do, I try not to think too hard about them. It’s almost always something odd that doesn’t make much sense. Now, hating on my enemies or just having enemies, I’m not going to deny. Being angry at someone else means I’m not angry at myself. At this point, any feeling besides depression is most welcome.

I'm alone here [x4]

I know this is the part where I say something inspiring like, “There are people who care,” “You matter so much,” and “Everything gets better eventually.” I’m not going to say any of that today. Feels kind of like a conspiracy.

Can you feel the sun?
I do, but I can't see it
Can you feel the breeze?
I don't, but I believe it

It’s not that I don’t think it will get better. I have moments where everything is fine. I have moments that remind me of better times in my life. The problem is that there’s a part of my brain that says if it was going to get better, it would have by now. I know there’s hope, but I can’t see it or feel it.

I don't feel safe when I'm not alone
And I know, and I know what you're thinkin'
I like it on my own
But I'll let you in if you say it's okay

So, I’m going to level with you guys in this series. I started rereading A Series of Unfortunate Events, which probably explains how I came up with the title for this series. and I will paraphrase Lemony Snicket for a minute and tell you this… If you are looking for something happy, you should probably stop reading now. I will, however, let you know that at the end of each book, they briefly overcome the madness they experience in their lives. The next book will be a whole other shit show, but just for a brief moment on the very last page, it seems as if, for a moment, it might be okay. Maybe one day it will, but I don’t remember how Book 13 ended, so I guess I’ll find out.

Below the willow tree
I get hung up on my insecurities

The other day, I got scolded for wearing a mask. They didn’t tell me I couldn’t wear it but implied that I didn’t need one if I was not sick. I said it was for my allergies, but in reality, I just couldn’t stand the way my face looked that day. This spiraled into a hate fest on myself for not washing my face or showering semi-regularly. This, in turn, brought me to the conclusion that I am simply an imposter sitting at a desk doing my best to pretend that I belong.

Rose-colored dopamine
My soul feels like it could be make-believe
Below the willow tree
I search to find some sense of identity
This weeping willow tree
Sits in silence, sheds no tear for me

I’ve always said when you work, you aren’t getting paid to have feelings, and you aren’t getting paid to be happy. My job isn’t really even that hard. People always tell me they wish I had my job because it’s so easy. I’ve also had people tell me they don’t know how I survive the 9.5 hours of my shift. Depending on the day, I can see both points of view. Why it matters to me, I have no idea. Why anything matters these days, I couldn’t tell you.

Can you feel the sun?
I do, but I can't see it
Can you feel the breeze?
I don't, but I believe it
I don't feel safe when I'm not alone
And I know, and I know what you're thinkin'
I like it on my own
But I'll let you in if you say it's okay [x2]
I'm alone for sure
I'm lost to the world

I can’t promise this series will be good. It may be absolutely atrocious, like the rest of my life is. In fact, it may just be a 3-part pity party, but even then, I’m inviting all of you. If you chose to read the rest of this, you can’t say I didn’t warn you. I’m starting to make this sound like a Series of Unfortunate Events, but I suppose it is. And I mean that in a totally legal way with no copyright intended or whatever the rules are. He just has such a fantastic way of writing. I know they are sort of kids’ books, but I recommend them to everyone of all ages. (Free publicity. Now you can’t be mad)

Sincerely,
LIBD

lens on a dictionary

No Words

Posted on by LIBD

Hey everyone!! How’s it going. I feel like I’m always working lately. It’s insane. I finally had a day off and have taken a break from playing Superstar Ateez (I’m on a one-way train to Atiny land) just to get caught up on posting. I wrote this on a pretty meh day, so get ready for a change of emotion.

Sometimes there are no words to describe a feeling. I’m mad, but I really shouldn’t be as angry as I am about the thing I’m mad about. I’m sad, but there’s no reason for me to be sad, either. I’m worried even though I’m sure it’ll all work out. What’s the word to describe all of that at the same time? I don’t like it when I can’t find words for my feelings. As a blogger, it’s particularly upsetting because I use all the words I know to try to convey my thoughts as I write. Sometimes Grammarly will try to give me better words to use, and sometimes I allow it. Usually though, I ignore it because the “better word” is a different word, and a different word isn’t the most accurate word to express what I am thinking.

So what do I do when the word I need doesn’t exist? I can’t accurately explain my feelings because there aren’t always words. The Mindset app told me that my feelings don’t have to make sense to be valid, but it’s easier to deal with emotions when they make sense. When I tell a story or express a thought, I think very carefully about how to write it so that the person reading or listening knows exactly what I’m talking about. I could just say Sunshine is my favorite horse, but then you might think she is my favorite horse in the same way blue is my favorite color. Blue is just lovely to look at and has so many wonderful shades. Sunshine is also lovely to look at, but I want you to know she is my favorite horse because she’s sassy and reminds me of me. Sometimes she drives me crazy, and sometimes she’s an angel, but I feel like I get her, and she gets me.

So that’s why I can’t bring myself to simply write “I feel lost” because while those words are probably the best ones I can use, it’s what’s behind the feeling that that is the real problem. Happy, sad, and excited bummed are all just words by themselves. If I want the person reading to truly feel those words, I need to express the cause of the feelings. If I say I’m excited, that could be because Oneus has a new album coming out. It could also be I just landed an AMAZING job. It could also mean I’m going to see my niece soon. That’s why words are so important to me. Even if nobody wants to listen, I will get to process and experience feelings and situations to make them more than just a word or a solitary generalized thought in my head.

But perhaps not all feelings can be perfectly described. Forever unknown to even myself, it’s still real, but it’s hard to deal with something I can’t understand. I think I heard somewhere that feelings were meant to be felt. Perhaps I should just let myself feel even if I can’t quite pinpoint what it is. I can’t control my feelings, but I can control how I react to them. I can allow myself to make peace with not knowing because, ultimately, no amount of words, or lack thereof, will make the feeling any less real. It’s hard when I’m at a loss for words because I feel like I can’t truly accept something if I can’t make sense of it.

There are lots of things in life, though, that don’t make sense. Theorems from geometry class, for example. Just because I don’t understand them doesn’t make them less real. But honestly, Geometry was one class, and I’ve never needed to use it since, so I never let it bother me. This feeling is temporary, and sometimes all you need is a good night’s sleep, so I think I’ll give that a try.

Words are like a pencil or paint for an artist. Artists (not that I would know I suck at drawing) don’t just start drawing lines randomly and hoping it will look half decent when they are done. I’m assuming they have a picture in their head, and they use their tools to make it real and tangible for not only themselves to admire but others as well.

I hope that even if this is the only post you read, you won’t be bored to tears by it. I’m no artist, but I want people to understand me. I can’t control what people who read this will think, but whatever you think, I’ll know I need to respect it because you are basing your opinion off of something honest, even if you hate it. At least I won’t have to worry about being misunderstood.

I once said that I would much rather someone dislike me confidently than like me vaguely. You’ve at least given me the kindness of listening so I can respect your opinion even if I don’t like it. I don’t know if that made any sense, but sometimes things don’t make sense, but I’ll understand because I know myself. I know my thoughts and feelings. Maybe people won’t always understand, but that doesn’t matter because it’s my life and my story, regardless of whether or not it makes sense to anyone else. It’s valid because it’s true to me, and that’s something that no one can take away from me.

Well, this was short, sweet, and to the point, and it almost feels like a waste of time, but I’m desperate for something to post, so instead of throwing this in my blog post graveyard, I’ll post it and hope no one reads it. I hope you are doing well!

Sincerely, LIBD

bunch of photo print

As it was

Posted on by LIBD

Hey guys. It’s been a long day, but I promised every other week, so here it is. I’m too tired for chit-chat today, so let’s get right into it. You are probably familiar with a song called As It Was by Harry Stiles. If you aren’t familiar with it, let me refresh your memory…

In this world, it’s just us
You know it’s not the same as it was
In this world, it’s just us
You know it’s not the same as it was
As it was, as it was
You know it’s not the same

Today’s reflection on Mindset was “What have you lost interest in lately.” Honestly, it was hard to put my finger on it. Surely I haven’t lost interest in life, but what is it specifically. TV? Not really. I do enjoy watching a good tv series or movie. Horses? Nah, I may be allergic, which might put a damper on it, but I love it all the same. Work? No, if anything, I want more hours. But something was off. Then it hit me. K-pop. It’s practically just a tiny corner of my mind these days. Which means all the leftover space is filled with nothingness.

You’re probably sick of hearing me talk about Oneus, and honestly, I was struggling before the rumors about Ravn started. Oh, by the way, he’s started posting again on youtube and stuff and seems to be hanging in there, so I’m glad to hear that. My favorite thing about K-pop and Oneus specifically was that they brought so much brightness into my life. Oneus and us Tomoons were a big, mostly happy family. Sharing memes and watching the hilarious content they would post on youtube. I could wake up on a shitty morning and say, “I’m gonna make it through this day for Oneus. I’m going to make them proud”. They don’t even know I exist, but it meant something to me.

Waking up at 5 in the morning to vote or watch music shows to see if they would win…. I hated it as much as I loved it. Helping out with voting and streaming drove me crazy some days, but I didn’t want it any other way. Oneus had helped me so much mentally and learning to be okay with my own life that early mornings, all day streaming, and routine voting were the least I could do to give them back everything they had given to me. Then we did, and it was the best feeling in the world. Oneus and Tomoons proved ourselves as a force to be reckoned with, and I was so excited to see what their tour and opportunities in the new year would lead them.

Then, overnight, one fake made account and a rumor were all it took to bring it all crumbling down. It was really hard for me. Watching the fans fight with each other, seeing the awful things they said about Ravn, and then they took his name out of the fan chant, and that’s when I think the fire died. I wanted to fix it, so I tried hard to support the remaining members and silently support Ravn, but there was so much hate, and people were so cruel. The magical world of Tomoon just slowly crumbled until there wasn’t much left.

I’m happy to know Ravn’s okay, but I don’t want him to just be okay; I want him back. I want everything to go back to the way it was when my life was bright and exciting. The hardest thing about being a kpop fan is that all you are is a fan. I’ll never know how they really feel about fans after everything that happened. We’ll never know if their words are true or just what they are contractually obligated to say. More than feeling sorry for myself, I feel sorry for them.

Not just Ravn, but all of them. Because above all, kpop is simply business, and the part of their lives that we see is them working. And you know what I say about working… You not getting paid to be happy; you’re getting paid to do a job with a smile on your face and bitch about it in your own private time. They meant so much to me, and they still do, but I just feel devastated whenever I think of them. Because it will never be the same as it was. And if he goes solo, is that his choice? If I join the group again, does he want to?? After everything Tomoons did. They made me so happy, and I want the same for them. Like with most jobs, I’m sure they knew what they were signing up for, but so do people in the veterinary field, and it has one of the highest suicide rates of almost any career.

Even at Subway, I know people are going to be rude or bitchy sometimes, but that doesn’t make it any easier to have them standing there loudly complaining about things to my face. There’s talk of them having a new comeback soon. I don’t think I’ll get up at 6 to watch the music video as soon as it’s released; I don’t think I’ll have alarms set to make sure I vote in all the right apps at the right time. I don’t know if I’ll wake up early to watch music shows live. Seeing them win was so exciting because it made me feel a part of something.

I don’t think the issue was that I lost interest in K-pop or Oneus. It’s just that what I loved so much and what brought me so much joy doesn’t exist anymore, and I’m trying to settle for what’s left, but it’s just not the same as it was. It’s heartbreaking. Sorry, this was so depressing, but it’s how I feel, and maybe I’m silly or immature, but I lost something that was precious to me. It may not mean anything to you, but it meant a lot to me, so I’m allowed to be sad.

Sincerely,
LIBD