Tag: MusicMonday

assorted color star decor on maroon textile

#MusicMonday (Best Day of my life by Simple plan)

Posted on by LIBD

Surprise!!!! After writing frown, taking some time to be sad and angry, and getting a short but sweet pep talk from my friend. I think I wanna write it. Keeping in mind what I mentioned in last weeks post, I think it’s going to be a little different than what I thought I would write. That’s been how this entire series has gone though, so I’m not worried. I’ve been pleasantly surprised by how it’s turned out so far.

How many good things in my life have I missed out on
By not appreciated what I've got

A lot, but a long time a wrote a post where I mentioned how it’s hard to appreciate things you’ve always had. Until recently, I took for granted having my own space in my mom’s basement, it was just part of my life. I didn’t appreciate not having to think about every purchase I made and whether I could afford something or not. Since I moved in with my dad I’ve got 3 drawers and a foot and a half of closet space for my clothes, outside of work clothes and pj’s I’ve got maybe 4-5 summer shirts and 5-6 long-sleeve or hoodies. I never appreciated the variety I had to pick from. I’m so sick of wearing the same things over and over again.

Sometimes it's hard to see your lucky break for what it is
By only focusing on what it's not

I have this bad habit of always raising the bar. It started out if only I could drive my life would be better. Then it was if only I had a real job, I could be proud of myself. If only my blog had a few readers… If only my views were more consistent, I would be successful. If only I could get out of my mom’s house, I’d be better. Now it’s if only I had my own place I could be proud of myself. I never take time to be proud of myself, I just raise the bar in hopes of one day “having my life together”.

[Pre-Chorus Part 1]
But now I'm starting to see
That my happiness has always been up to me

Some days I do see it. We can’t control what happens to us, but we can control our reactions. For example: after my little crisis the other day, I could choose to focus on that or try to move past that and realize that what I was upset about doesn’t define myself or my life. It’s so hard though, but my life doesn’t have to suck if I don’t want it to. It’s good to be sad and it’s good to be angry, but I shouldn’t let those temporary feelings dictate whether my life is good or bad. It’s whatever I decide it will be today, and today I think I’ll stop being angry and sad about things that I can’t change.

[Pre-Chorus Part 2]
And now I'm starting to see
That I've already got what I need

When you reach the point where you can separate yourself from your feelings, you can look at it from a different perspective. I have a few perspectives that I tend to go back to. The ‘It could be worse’ perspective, the ‘look how far I’ve come’ perspective, or the ‘in the grand scheme of life, is this the hill I want to die on?’ perspective. It depends on the situation. It could be worse doesn’t really work because what I’m mad about isn’t necessarily something that could be that much worse. Looking at how far I’ve come might help, but I haven’t come nearly as far as I hoped, and that’s the problem.

The last one I think is my best bet given the situation. Out of all my problems, if this was the worst one, I wouldn’t even be mad about it. My life would have to be pretty great for this trivial matter to be the worst. I talked in the first post about people ruining your life, but problems and events can have the same power if we let them. Is this really the hill I want to die on. Is this really the thing that I’m going to let ruin my life. No, if anything is going to ruin my life, this is definitely near the bottom. I think it’s time to suck it up and move on.

[Chorus]
Today, I'll live like my glass is half full
There's light at the end of the tunnel
There's always a blessing in disguise
Or by your side
And I, I'm on the top of the world
I'm holding my chin up high
'Cause I'm livin' every day
Like it's the best f**kin' day of my life

I don’t think I could live every day like that. Realistically I don’t think any sane person could, but it’s a good reminder to step back and try to look at it from a different perspective. It’s not going to make it easier and it’s not going to make it go away, but it might make it smaller. I have a tendency when something is wrong to project that feeling on my entire life, but an Etsy shop with no traffic or views is hardly a reflection of my entire life as a whole. Just saying out loud sounds even stupider than I already know it was.

It's time to stop with all the judging by comparison
There's always someone who's got so much more

A lot of someone’s actually, somewhere out there though there’s also someone jealous of you. I promise. There are more successful people than me, there are more successful Etsy shops than mine, but there’s nobody else on earth who can be me better than I can. There’s no one on earth who could be you better than you can.

So what's the point of tryna keep up with it anyway?
Just live your life instead of keeping score
[Insert Pre-Chorus & Chorus]

Everyone’s got problems. Let’s not be jealous of other people’s problems just because they seem happy. Maybe I could be happy. Maybe I could be successful. Maybe I already am. The only reason I think I’m not, is because I use other people as a standard of what I think success looks like. If I take other people out of the equation, I’m just a person who tries really hard and has accomplished a lot. That’s something I think I could be proud of. I hope you can be proud of you too.

Every sunset, every wake
Every time I see your face
Moments I appreciate
I won't let them go to waste

If I can be mad that my Etsy shop isn’t doing well then can’t I also be impressed with how well I did at my last event? Why aren’t I? I can be mad that I don’t have my own horse, so why can’t I smile and remember all the time I spent with Melody and Sunshine. Why is it always the bad things I try so hard to hold onto?

Every high and every low
Every path and every road
Every moment, I'll embrace
I won't let them go to waste

I want to challenge myself whenever I think of something negative to think of something positive that has to do with whatever I was thinking about. What’s the point of good memories besides remembering them when life gets hard. When I’m sad they can remind me that I was also happy, when I think I’m failing they can remind me of my successes. When I think life sucks I can remember that it hasn’t always. It won’t make the feelings go away, but if nothing else it reminds us that there is hope.

Today, I'll live like my glass is half full
There's light at the end of the tunnel
There's always a blessing in disguise
Or by your side
And I, I'm on the top of the world
I'm holding my chin up high
'Cause I'm livin' every day
Like it's the best fuckin' day of my life
(Let's go)

I’m not going to feel happy every day, and not every day is going to be a good one, but at the end of the day the question I have to ask myself is this: Am I really going to let this moment or this feeling ruin my life? I’m not going to live every day like it’s the best day of my life, but I hope I can remember that for as bad as a moment might be, there was a moment that was just as good as this was bad. I read once that brains naturally tend to remember and focus on negative things. It’s not always easy to see a bright side. Life is difficult, and that will never change.

What can change is my perspective. There’s a time to scream and cry and be angry, but there’s also a time to remind my brain that this feeling doesn’t define my life. When I feel like a failure, I hope I can also remember the times I wasn’t. When life feels hopeless, I want to remember the time’s I had hope. When life feels meaningless, I hope I can remember the times it was meaningful. Maybe I won’t right away, as I’ve said many times it’s important to let yourself feel and process whatever you’re feeling. When we are done though I hope we can hold our chins up high and live each day like it’s not the worst day of our lives.

Sincerely,
LIBD

#MusicMonday (Anxiety by Simple Plan)

Posted on by LIBD

Hey guys! Welcome to part 2! Ever since I got the great idea for a new series I hit a roadblock. Just between you and me, this was not at all what I originally planned. This is so much better than what I imagined in my head when I announced I was starting a new series. Also, I just saw Inside Out 2 and the way they portrayed Anxiety was so fascinating. I was sitting in the theater thinking, “omg I can’t wait to write about this”. Let’s get right into it. Also by the time this is posted my Etsy shop should be up and running so click the LIBD Designs page for more info about that. Self-promotion aside. Let’s do this.

The pressure comes, I can feel it now
I'm just another tragic case of
The only one I was missing out
Comparisons I can't escape from

I was at my friend’s house, and I told her Simple Plan had some new albums, but I was afraid to listen to them because I was worried that after so long, they may have lost their relatability. I was like “They have a song called Anxiety. I’ve got to hear it” In those first 4 verses I knew that they hadn’t changed a bit, and I was so relieved. Especially with all the drama I was dealing with. This quickly became my new favorite song.

Pre Chorus:
All these voices circling my head (oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)
I wish I was someone else instead
'Cause it all just brings me down

This takes me back to when I was in college. There’s this part in Inside Out 2… Okay, let me stop and say if you haven’t seen the movie, this whole post is a spoiler lol… There’s this scene where Anxiety is trying to get this group of girls to like Riley and be friends with them, and it’s really funny to watch because you can totally tell that she’s not acting like herself at all, and it reminded me of when I was in college and tried so hard to get people to like me, and in reality, I just embarrassed myself and looked stupid. I’m happy that it only took Riley a week to realize that it wasn’t working. It took me WAY longer.

Chorus:
Anxiety is killing me
All of these expectations are shaking up my sanity
I'm getting so tired of faking now

And dude it is SO exhausting, especially when you realize that no matter how hard you try you will never get everyone to like you. Expectations can only be so high before they become unrealistic. I don’t know about you but I’m so tired of trying to be perfect and not being perfect. Then hating myself for not being perfect. It truly is insanity.

Chorus continued:
It's all so much that I can't breathe
There must be something wrong with me
Reality is killing me
It's giving me anxiety

This is how I felt in April and May, the anxiety was killing me. In Inside Out 2, all Anxiety wanted to do was set Riley up for success. There’s a part near the end where she was like “What’s the worst that could happen? Well, I’m so glad you asked Joy…insert chain of catastrophes….. and then we die!” I was talking to my new psychiatrist today because I have an irrational fear of being poisoned (that wasn’t the reason I went it just came up when she asked me if I was paranoid), and you know what she told me? Well, it never hurts to be cautious as long as it’s not affecting your health or daily life. For the first time in forever, someone told me that my anxiety was good.

Anxiety, anxiety
(Get away, get away, get away, get away, get away from me)
Anxiety, anxiety

I’m not sure if he’s telling the anxiety to get away from him, or if he has social anxiety specifically so he’s telling people to get away from him. It’s very vague. Let me know your thoughts in the comments.

I try to run, gotta separate
It's everywhere, it's all around me

There are lots of things to be anxious about and after watching that movie and talking with my psychiatrist I realized Anxiety isn’t bad. It’s a good thing to a certain extent. The problem is when you let anxiety take over, which is exactly what happened to Riley in the movie. I think instead of getting rid of anxiety I just need to not let it control me. As my psychiatrist said, it’s good to be cautious. For example, if a stranger asks to meet you at a deserted location where no one would hear you scream, it’s your anxiety that’s gonna say, “You know what that sounds like a bad idea that could potentially end in death so I think we should pass”.

I try to sleep but I'm wide awake
'Cause every dream is filled with envy
[Insert Pre-Chorus and Chorus]

What’s hysterical is that Envy is another new emotion introduced inside out too. I spent so much time wishing I could be as successful as someone else, instead of figuring out what I could do to get there myself. I suppose envy isn’t bad either until it starts to lead to resentment and self-hatred. It reminds me of Ted Lasso when Kealy is asking which you would rather be, a panda or a lion. Then they ask Jamie and he says, “Coach I’m me, why would I want to be anything else” and Ted responds with, “I don’t think you realize how psychologically healthy that really is.” Oh, to have his confidence.

Anxiety, anxiety
(Get away, get away, get away, get away, get away from me)
Anxiety, anxiety
Turn everything, everything off Don't ever, don't ever look back[x2]
Let's turn everything, everything off Don't ever, don't ever look back[x2]
'Cause it all just brings me down
[Insert Chorus]

Do you ever wish you could turn your mind off? That sounds lovely. And never look back? Yes, please!!! Because it does, it all just brings me down. Agonizing over past events that I have no control of anymore, and constantly thinking about what I need to do to be better. I got this book that’s supposed to help with self-love and stuff, and since starting it there’s one phrase I’ve written a few times and need to keep reminding myself. “My worth has nothing to do with my accomplishments or lack of. I don’t need to do anything to be worthy of love and kindness.” I’m not sure how long I’ll have to keep telling myself that before I really and truly believe it, but I’m getting there. Slowly but surely.

Get away, get away, get away, get away, get away from me
Anxiety, anxiety
[x2]

At the end of Inside Out 2 when Anxiety is catastrophizing. Joy tells her “But none of that is going to happen today, is it?” Then she walks Anxiety over to her special chair and gives her some anxie-tea to drink (get it? Because it’s tea), and once Anxiety is calm and comfy they go back to what they were doing. I think my anxiety could use a comfy chair and tea to chill when it’s no longer helpful, alas it’s not that easy. I just have to ask myself when I’m feeling anxious if my anxiety is helping me or hurting me. If it’s not being helpful and only bringing me down maybe I can try to rationalize the situation that I’m worried about.

Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed today’s post, and if you haven’t seen Inside Out 2 yet, you got to go see it! I’ll see you next week for part 3, so please look forward to it. Always remember I’m cheering for you, and whatever it is that life throws at you you’ll be okay. Have a great week!

Sincerely,
LIBD

calm body of water

Almost Over by Aquilo

Posted on by LIBD

The song title may be confusing. This is the end of the series; it’s over; it’s just the song that’s Almost Over. I’m sorry my jokes aren’t on point right now. I can’t believe I wrote and scheduled all of this in 36 hours. I’m sorry I have to brag about that. Moving on, I shared this song on Facebook a long time ago when it first came out. One of my friends commented that it was really dark and depressing. I don’t think it is. I find it to be a very comforting song. I like songs that don’t tell you how or what to feel; they just make you feel what you are feeling. Whatever that emotion may be, and sometimes you just need to feel.

For all you know, we're broken pieces
I'm finding it hard to live
With something that won't last

It’s times like this that make me wish I never got better. It never lasts, and it makes times like this feel even worse. Even if I clean something, it will probably just get messy before I clean something else. Happiness doesn’t last, so why do I want to feel it again so bad? Maybe I’m just stupid.

For all you know
You're still my weakness
I'm finding it hard to
Fake a smile that I don’t have

It may be hard to fake a smile, but I am an incredible actor. No one has any idea that I’m dying inside. As I said, it’s not their problem, and it’s not like they can wave a magic wand to make it better. There’s no sense telling them; if I did talk to them about it, I would say…. “Just tell me I’m gonna be okay. Tell me I don’t suck.” Even if they told me though, it’s hard to know if people are nice to you because they believe it or they are trying to be nice. Maybe I’m just not nice.

[Chorus] Hold on
I've got a feeling like this is almost over
Hold on
I've got a feeling like we're almost done
We don't need this anymore
We don't need this anymore

Not only do I not need this. I don’t have time for this. I’m supposed to be getting my room clean. Saving money and praying every day that this one apartment I want will open up and my brother will still want to be my roommate until I get used to living on my own. I can’t be like this forever; I just can’t. Is this madness really almost over? Maybe that’s just wishful thinking.

We're both waiting for the moment
When one or the other
Cuts the light and locks the door
But in this limbo where we're frozen
We're not going anywhere
We're not who we were before

I hate how accurate that is. I hate being stuck in this in between. I’m not going anywhere; I’m not who I was before. Granted, who I was before wasn’t amazing, but this Erin is useless. 10/10 do not recommend. Maybe my psychiatrist is right, and I’m just spiraling.

[Chorus]
I've given everything [x3]
And it's over
I've given everything [x3]
And it's gone

It’s hard to explain that I’m trying hard when it doesn’t look like I’m trying. That’s the other reason I don’t like people to know. They’ll tell me what to do. They’ll tell me to shower more often and wash my face so I’ll feel better about myself. They’ll tell me to clean my room so it won’t constantly stress me out. They’ll tell me to just do one little thing every day so it’s not so overwhelming. Maybe they’ll tell me to eat ice cream and cry. The last one might actually help me if it didn’t make me feel like I’m not trying to be healthier. Do you think I’m incompetent? Don’t you think if it was that easy, then this series wouldn’t exist? Maybe I am Incompetent.

Hold on
I've got a feeling like it's almost over
Hold on
I've got a feeling like we're almost done

In the intro, I mentioned the book series that inspired this series. I’m sure the children in the story felt this way. Like surely, this awfulness can’t continue. I have to think they often hoped it was almost over, and each book did end. Each ending was just another calm before another storm. I don’t think any of the children had a major depressive disorder. Although surely that level of trauma would have a massive effect on someone psychologically. Maybe they were stronger than me.

We don't need this anymore [x4]
Hold on
I've got a feeling like this is almost over

The books get longer as the series goes on. The stories of the three siblings always got worse and worse until it suddenly wasn’t. Like I said in the intro, I only just finished book one, but maybe I can learn something. Misery loves company and all that. Even if this season of my life is almost over, I won’t know until it happens. I guess I’ll just hold on. I don’t have a feeling like this is almost over, but that doesn’t mean anything. Maybe one day, my life that’s so horrible will just suddenly not be horrible. Maybe it is Almost Over.

Thank you for reading. If anyone else is struggling, I hope your hard times are also almost over. Until then, all we can do is hold on because holding on is better than nothing. I wish you all the best. Stay safe, stay well, and let’s keep our fingers crossed for a better tomorrow.

Sincerely,
LIBD

brown padded chair

It Gets Better by Dotan

Posted on by LIBD

Hey guys. I hope this month has been treating you well. I don’t think I’ve ever written this many Music Mondays in a long while, so there probably won’t be many more once this series ends. I know, I know, I’ll shut up. This is another comfort song of mine. I try not to listen to it unless I’m having a horrible day because it’s a bit of a downer, but driving home from my friend’s house last night, it felt right. I had a great time, but then I had to go back to my life, and the feeling hit me once again.

There's paper peeling off the walls
I see the paint from yesteryear
We try to cover up the past
But tiny secrets still appear

I remember this time last year, I was doing great. I was ready to face the world. My mental health was probably the best it had been in a long while. I don’t know what happened to that girl. I really miss her. I’m a mess, my room is a mess, my head is a mess, and my future is uncertain. I feel like I’m falling apart, and there’s nothing I can do except watch it happen.

So please don't say it gets better
It gets better, it gets better on with time
I'm not better
We're not better, even after all this time

I keep waiting for it to get better like it always does. But it isn’t getting better. If anything, I feel like I’m getting worse. Things are more complicated. I feel like mentally, I’ve taken 20 steps back. I miss feeling good. I miss feeling hope. You know how I love to talk about my favorite soccer team. Their story for this season is pretty similar to mine. They started off strong. Things were really looking up. We lost Harry Kane, but we don’t need him anymore because we’ve got James Madison. I could have sworn this would be our season. But between injuries, suspensions, and a few bad calls, it went downhill really fast. We don’t even have Sonny because he’s playing in the Asia Cup, and we are playing Man City next. I’m not getting my hopes up, even with our new recruits.

The kitchen floor's a checkered board
We've tried to end this game for years
The tiles are cracked, the color's changed
The battleground is all but cleared

I realized that having depression is a lot like having the kind of muscular dystrophy I have. It could be worse, so I shouldn’t complain. But it’s almost cruel in a way. In terms of MD, I’m close enough to fine that sometimes I almost feel normal. Then something happens, or something hurts, and I’m slapped in the face with my limitations. Depression is similar. I don’t always feel depressed. Last night, I cooked some meals and watched Our Flag Means Death with my friend. It was so much fun; we laughed so hard, and I had a great time. It reminded me of when I was happy and doing good. At that moment, I thought I was, but now I’m back home, and I kind of want to cry. How on earth can I be so great and suddenly so awful. If I was depressed 24/7, it probably wouldn’t feel as bad.

So please don't say it gets better
It gets better, it gets better on with time
I'm not better
We're not better, even after all this time
Caught in the cobwebs
Memories linger in these rooms
Under the floorboards
Sweeping the stories we outgrew

I know part of it’s my fault. Messy space=messy head=messy life. I can’t bring myself to clean. I told myself this year that in between work days when I have time off, I would pick one thing and do it. So why haven’t I? All of this combined is reminding me of before, when I was really bad. I always write about how it’ll get better because it always does. This time feels different, though. It should be better by now. I should be better by now. But I’m not. If anything, I’m worse.

It's not a place to call home
Just a place we've been for years
The garden weeds have overgrown
We've overstayed our welcome here

This describes my living situation. I still live with my mom and her husband. I kind of feel like I have. It’s mine, but not really. I wanna have my own space that’s all mine. I’m worried I’ll let it fall into disarray like I have here. Will I ever be able to move forward? Get out of this place. Somewhere where I can just be. I want a home. My home. I don’t want to worry about people being mad because I don’t come upstairs to talk or worry about forgetting to say hi or ignoring someone because, honestly, I don’t want them there. I just don’t know if it will ever happen. Why should I move out? Just so I can go make a mess somewhere else? Just so I can be a mess somewhere else?

So please don't say it gets better
It gets better, it gets better on with time
I'm not better
We're not better, even after all this time
It gets better, it gets better
It gets better, it gets better on with time
I'm not better
We're not better, even after all this time

Even after all this time….
If you haven’t listened to this song, you totally should. It’s a great crying song, and just a great song to sit and feel. Life sucks sometimes, and some things won’t ever get better. Not after all the time in the world, but there are a lot of things that could potentially change. As to whether or not they actually will….. Time will tell, I suppose. Don’t forget to check my Instagram for the final song in the series. Hint: If you liked this one you are gonna love the next one

Sincerely,
LIBD

high angle shot of a person walking alone in the desert

Dune by Ateez

Posted on by LIBD

When I first heard this song, I was like, “I don’t know what you are so angry about, but I feel it, bro, I feel it.” I finally looked up the lyrics one day and said, “Wow. They really get me.” Ateez is another K-pop group, they have a different style than Oneus but they have a lot of relatable lyrics.

The light in my deserted heart
Reflected in a broken mirror
The desire in my eyes is disappearing
Further and further down

Sometimes, I see the mess in my life, and I just get so frustrated. I don’t have words. I just have lots of feelings that are overwhelming, and then I’ll grab my headphones and put this song on. Perhaps everything is awful, and my life is falling apart. In those moments, it feels so good to be mad.

The pouring rain falls and presses on my head (Presses)
Struggling so hard to get up somehow (use my strength)
I'm suffocating, I can't even count the sacrifices
I'm falling endlessly (I'm still falling down)

Sometimes I dig myself into a hole so deep I wonder if it’s worth the effort to try and get out. Perhaps even my best effort wouldn’t be enough, so it’s so much easier to accept defeat instead of trying to keep fighting to get out. It’s not that I haven’t tried, but how long should I try before it becomes insanity. After all, they say insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result.

[Pre-Chorus] Heaven's door
Is unreachable and getting
further and further away

The more I try, the more I want to give up. At this point, it just feels like a losing battle. I don’t know how it even got to this.

[Chorus] What am I hurt for?
Of countless people, why me?
Who should I blame?
I Still hear it, keep your head down
Oh-oh Breathless here everyday
Oh-oh, I can't escape it

I’ve said before that depression is like sitting in a dark room, having no idea where you are, and waiting for someone to come rescue you….. Except you know that no one is coming. It’s not anyone else’s problem though, so as nice as it would be, how could I blame anyone else. If I know that no one is coming, shouldn’t I just start trying to get out on my own? Am I a crazy person? Well, more so than my usual crazy.

Yeah, yeah
Broken lights, panic (Panic)
Tied up in chains
You could be my doll
Lost in my desire
Pop, pop
Forcefully knocked back in defeat
Into shaking waves down, down
The wind's pressure wraps around

I love it when rappers put English lyrics in their Korean songs. It just doesn’t translate well. It just sounds weird. Setting the first part aside, the second part is pretty accurate. I don’t think I could say it any better myself.

Hey, save me here, help me
Hold my hand, please hold me
Water, the water keeps drying up, I'm thirsty
Even if I scream, it doesn't come out

Depression is surprisingly quiet for such a loud emotion. It seems crazy to be feeling everything I’m feeling and not make a sound. That’s the nice thing about K-pop songs like this. Even without reading the English translation, I can feel the gist of the lyrics just by listening. That’s how it feels when I’m feeling all these things, but I can’t verbalize that madness. It’s okay though; Ateez did it for me.

Into the depths
I'm in danger of disappearing
Can you remember
Will I be able to remember
Even with the shriek of my desperation
[Pre-Chorus & Chorus]

It gets worse when I’m alone, but I think that’s just because that’s when I have time to fix things and don’t. I could clean my room, shower, brush my teeth, fold my clothes, or even wash my face. I don’t, though, and that just makes me madder because then I can’t blame anyone but myself for my misery. Sometimes, I don’t even remember what it was like to feel good. I just can’t even imagine it anymore. I’m so jealous of shower everyday people.

The fingertips of despair tempt me
As if I could run away
Run away, run away, far away
I can't take it anymore

I’m sick of it. I’m sick of feeling like this. I’m sick of not doing anything about it. Running away isn’t an option for me, but I also don’t know how to deal with the situation in front of me. I can’t live in my mom’s basement I don’t want to live in the giant mess. I want to move out and I want to move forward. I had a teacher who use to tell us “This too shall pass, even if you don’t”. It doesn’t apply to every situation, but I still like it.

Mayday, mayday, mayday
Fade out, fade out, fade out
Why are you doing this to me, why
I want to live

What did I do? Am I actually cursed, or am I just ruining my own life with my laziness and negativity? I don’t even like who I am anymore. I wake up in the morning trying to figure out what I can wear to look good enough. Can they notice that I haven’t washed my hair. Then I get to work, and worry if I’m doing a good job. Did I succeed in making myself look presentable. I mean, I was never my biggest fan, but still. I remember a time when I didn’t hate myself. Wouldn’t that be nice?

What am I hurt for?
Of countless people, why me?
Who should I blame?
I Still hear it, keep your head down
Oh-oh
Breathless here everyday
Oh-oh
I can't escape it
Oh-oh, Out of breath here every day
Oh-oh Can't escape

I hate feeling trapped. I finally got my driver’s license, only to find out that I can’t drive away from all my problems. It’s nice to have songs like this that can give the words to say what I can’t. I’ll see you guys next week, and don’t forget to follow me on Instagram for a sneak peek at next week’s song.

Sincerely,
LIBD

photo of person holding alarm clock

Better by OneRepublic

Posted on by LIBD

This song almost feels like it’s mocking me right now. It used to make me feel so much better.

I don't set alarms
Lately I don't set alarms
But that's because of the ringing that's happening inside my head
Inside my head

Bro, I wish. I don’t set alarms on my days off anymore. If my brain suddenly wants to sleep till noon, who am I to say no? I can never sleep in too long though, because I have to let my dog out. I dread my alarms in the morning when I work; I don’t want to go to work anymore. Everything in my life is going wrong, and I’m supposed to just go to work like everything’s fine. Dying inside and cheerfully answering the phone and greeting everyone who comes in.

Yeah yeah
It keeps me safe from harm
At least I tell myself I'm safe from harm
But really, it's probably filling my dreams with dread
So I get out of bed

That’s one thing that hasn’t changed since I got out of the psych ward all those years ago. I get out of bed. When I’m not working, it’s usually only to move to the couch, but it’s still something, and that’s better than nothing I guess. I don’t want to go to work, but I’m not sure I’m any better off staying home, stuck with my thoughts and frustrations.

Yeah yeah
Yes, I'm neurotic. I'm obsessed, and I know it
I can't take vacations in my brain, or believe me I'd be on one
Hawaii under warm sun
Yeah yeah

It’s like my brain will never shut off, and even in those brief moments when things are going good, my brain still manages to freak out about something. Wouldn’t it be so nice to just not think? There are those mindfulness exercises where you imagine yourself on a beach and relax. The problem with that is I’m not stupid. I know I’m not on a beach. I’m happy for anyone who has found exercises like that helpful. I wish my brain would cooperate enough for that. Maybe I’m too pessimistic; maybe it’s because I have ADHD, but my brain just doesn’t work like that.

Chorus: I think I lost my mind
Don't worry about me
Happens all the time
In the morning, I'll be better
In the morning, I'll be better
Sing it again
I think I lost my mind
But don't worry about me
Happens all the time
In the morning, I'll be better
Things are only getting better
Sing it again
Sing it again

I used to believe that, but those words remind me of a scene in this show called Our Flag Means Death. Ed, Stede, and the pirate queen just finished fighting all these British soldiers. The pirate queen compliments Ed on this spectacular flip thing he did when he killed one of the soldiers during the battle. Then Stede chips in (Ed and Stede are a thing, but it’s complicated, and you’d have to watch it), talking about his (very minimal) contribution to the fight, asking if they saw it. Ed turns to Stede and says, “I saw it. You were great babe,” but he says it in the voice I use when my friend shows me something I don’t care about, so I say, “That’s cool,” just to be polite. That’s how these words sound to me. It’s like, “Oh, yeah, it’ll be okay,” half-heartedly thrown out there as a nice thought that they hope I will believe. That’s just where I’m at right now though.

I'll tell myself I'll change
That's right, I tell myself I'll change
But then I begin to realize that the problems inside my veins
But it's inside my veins (vein)
Yeah yeah

If I had a dollar for every time I said I would be better, I’m gonna buckle down, or I’m not gonna let myself go on like this…. It’s so easy to say, but it’s starting to feel like maybe I’m doomed to be a lazy, depressed loner who will never get her shit together. That show I was talking about got canceled. There was supposed to be a 3rd season. It didn’t get canceled until after I became a fan, just like everything else I ever liked. It’s certainly starting to feel personal.

I swear I'm not insane
Yes, most likely not insane
Everybody goes through moments of losing their clarity
At least I'm never boring
But I've been losing sleep so call the doctor said take one of these
And call me in the morning
[Chorus]

I’m not crazy. I asked my psychiatrist. She said I wasn’t, but I think she was just being nice. I understand we all go through difficult times, but this feels different. She said I’m spiraling, so at least now I know why everything is awful. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do about it. The show getting canceled reminded me, just like when they made Ravn leave, that everything in life is out of my control. I’m at the mercy of whatever cruel thing life would like to subject me to next. Yay me. (please note the sarcasm)

So here's the question asked
Of all the things you love, the people and places from the future to your ancient past
Of every one of those which one will cause you to let it go, let it go
Need to crash

Those words hurt my head. I don’t know what to make of them, and my brain is too tired to think. If any of you would like to do me a solid and leave your interpretation in the comments, that would be amazing.

Think you lost your mind
Well, don't worry about it
Happens all the time
In the morning, you'll be better
Things are only getting better
Sing it again
[Chorus]

Sincerely,
LIBD

person holding brown leaf

Can You Feel the Sun (Missio)

Posted on by LIBD

Hey y’all. It’s been a hot minute, huh. This series is special because it will be all Music Monday posts. Follow @libd_blog on instagram to get a preview of the next song in the series. Alright let’s go.

Below the willow tree
Is where I hide the darkest parts of me
They're hiding underneath
The broken lies that I just still believe

Spoiler alert: I’m not doing so hot. If the 4 or more months of silence since my last post didn’t give it away. I’m starting to feel like my job is just too fancy for me. I’m not even going to get started on the state of my basement. Kota is doing pretty good, so at least someone is, but that someone is not me.

Below the willow tree
Is where I sit and hate on my enemies
I drown 'em in my dreams
I think it's me who needs some humility

I would like to clarify that I do not dream of my enemies. I hardly ever remember dreams in general, and when I do, I try not to think too hard about them. It’s almost always something odd that doesn’t make much sense. Now, hating on my enemies or just having enemies, I’m not going to deny. Being angry at someone else means I’m not angry at myself. At this point, any feeling besides depression is most welcome.

I'm alone here [x4]

I know this is the part where I say something inspiring like, “There are people who care,” “You matter so much,” and “Everything gets better eventually.” I’m not going to say any of that today. Feels kind of like a conspiracy.

Can you feel the sun?
I do, but I can't see it
Can you feel the breeze?
I don't, but I believe it

It’s not that I don’t think it will get better. I have moments where everything is fine. I have moments that remind me of better times in my life. The problem is that there’s a part of my brain that says if it was going to get better, it would have by now. I know there’s hope, but I can’t see it or feel it.

I don't feel safe when I'm not alone
And I know, and I know what you're thinkin'
I like it on my own
But I'll let you in if you say it's okay

So, I’m going to level with you guys in this series. I started rereading A Series of Unfortunate Events, which probably explains how I came up with the title for this series. and I will paraphrase Lemony Snicket for a minute and tell you this… If you are looking for something happy, you should probably stop reading now. I will, however, let you know that at the end of each book, they briefly overcome the madness they experience in their lives. The next book will be a whole other shit show, but just for a brief moment on the very last page, it seems as if, for a moment, it might be okay. Maybe one day it will, but I don’t remember how Book 13 ended, so I guess I’ll find out.

Below the willow tree
I get hung up on my insecurities

The other day, I got scolded for wearing a mask. They didn’t tell me I couldn’t wear it but implied that I didn’t need one if I was not sick. I said it was for my allergies, but in reality, I just couldn’t stand the way my face looked that day. This spiraled into a hate fest on myself for not washing my face or showering semi-regularly. This, in turn, brought me to the conclusion that I am simply an imposter sitting at a desk doing my best to pretend that I belong.

Rose-colored dopamine
My soul feels like it could be make-believe
Below the willow tree
I search to find some sense of identity
This weeping willow tree
Sits in silence, sheds no tear for me

I’ve always said when you work, you aren’t getting paid to have feelings, and you aren’t getting paid to be happy. My job isn’t really even that hard. People always tell me they wish I had my job because it’s so easy. I’ve also had people tell me they don’t know how I survive the 9.5 hours of my shift. Depending on the day, I can see both points of view. Why it matters to me, I have no idea. Why anything matters these days, I couldn’t tell you.

Can you feel the sun?
I do, but I can't see it
Can you feel the breeze?
I don't, but I believe it
I don't feel safe when I'm not alone
And I know, and I know what you're thinkin'
I like it on my own
But I'll let you in if you say it's okay [x2]
I'm alone for sure
I'm lost to the world

I can’t promise this series will be good. It may be absolutely atrocious, like the rest of my life is. In fact, it may just be a 3-part pity party, but even then, I’m inviting all of you. If you chose to read the rest of this, you can’t say I didn’t warn you. I’m starting to make this sound like a Series of Unfortunate Events, but I suppose it is. And I mean that in a totally legal way with no copyright intended or whatever the rules are. He just has such a fantastic way of writing. I know they are sort of kids’ books, but I recommend them to everyone of all ages. (Free publicity. Now you can’t be mad)

Sincerely,
LIBD

petaled flower drawing on white egg shell

#MusicMonday (Shattered life by Seventh Day Slumber)

Posted on by LIBD

I’m just gonna jump right into it today.

This wanting more from me is tearing me, it's breaking me
But what you want's not mine to give

I wanted more this year. I wanted to be better. Get my credit card paid off focus on my jewelry business. Take better care of myself… but the hits just keep on coming. The stress and anxiety are just eating me alive, and I can’t see an end to it. It’s too much. I’m just one person.

I'm your dollar sign, your brand new house
Your product line
When you're done with me I'm spent

I can’t afford this anymore. Any of this. I need to change the situation, but that’s not what I do. I like to keep peace, and not cause any ripples. Keep my head down and follow a routine. I can’t afford to keep doing it. I need a change, but I don’t want to change.

When the smoke is gone I have to face what I've become...

I’m a lot like my dog in the sense I may bark a lot but if you even come near me, I’ll immediately run away. I talk about standing up for myself, but I don’t like to make waves. Even if it’s at my own expense in my mind it’s better to suffer if it keeps the sense of peace and normal. But a person can only withstand so much before they break. All the progress I’ve made over the years and I’m still the shy, timid, and scared little girl who’s too scared to ask for help or stand up for herself.

Will you rescue me?
Could you get me out alive?
I'm trying to hold on but I've lost the will to fight
Will You rescue me?
Take me far away from this shattered life

I’m trying to hang in there. Trying to be strong and keep on fighting. It’s so hard now though because I want to do what’s easy not what’s best for me. It’s so hard right now and I’m so tired. I wish somebody could rescue me and take me far away, but that’s not going to happen.

How can I go on pretending that there's nothing wrong?
Life has brought me to my knees

This mask I hide behind is killing me
There's nothing left
Is there anyone who feels like me?
When the smoke is gone I have to face what I've become...

I can’t take it anymore I’m tired of pretending. If I can’t afford this right now, how will I ever afford a car or a place to live? I can’t go on pretending like $60 a week is no big deal it is! I work part time and I hate myself for trying to convince myself otherwise just because I’m too afraid to tell them I can’t afford it. What is wrong with me?! It’s not hard, and I need to fight for myself because no one else is going to.

Will you rescue me?
Could you get me out alive?
I'm trying to hold on but I've lost the will to fight
Will You rescue me?
Take me far away from this shattered life [x2]

Take me far away from this shattered life

I want to be rescued, but the only one who can rescue me from this shattered life is myself. I can’t run away when things get scary. I need to be a better person and if I keep running away and letting myself suffer because it’s easier than doing something about it than of course my life is going to suck. I want things to be better, but I’m the only one who can make that happen. Wish me luck.

Sincerely,
LIBD

#Music Monday (Halazia by Ateez)

Posted on by LIBD

Hey, y’all!! How goes it? I told you I was gonna try to be a better blogger this year, and so far, it’s going pretty good. On new years eve, my kpop friend was nice enough to hang out for a bit before going to a party with her family so I wouldn’t be totally alone. We were browsing youtube as we do when we hang out, and I saw Ateez had a new song. This is how it went down, “What’s that?” “Halazia, it’s their new song, kind of a sequel I think to Hala Hala.” I LOVE Hala Hala. It’s my favorite, so obviously, I had to check it out. OMG, the sound, the outfits, Seonghwa’s face, and Yeosangs voice. The building could have caught fire, and I wouldn’t care as long as I listened to Yeosang singing the part in the pre-chorus.

Anyway, I saw a few music show performances, and wow. Seriously my new favorite of all their videos. Non-Kpop people won’t understand this following sentence, but… Ateez came back with this video and were collectively like, “say goodbye to your bias because you’re about to be wrecked.” It was when I was watching a reaction video. They mentioned the lyrics that I realized I was so distracted by the…… well, everything that I hadn’t even paid attention to them. And if I loved it before, I only loved it more after I read the lyrics. It embodied this feeling I have of uncertainty in life, wanting to do great things, wondering if where I am now is a good place to be, which I know it is. It all comes back to the fact I have no idea what I’m doing in life, so how do I know if I’m doing well or not. Anyway, that’s what I got out of this song, so let’s get started.

Oh, light [x3]
Be the light, oh, Halazia
Oh, no, everything has become barren, ooh, yeah
We all try but we lose emotion

I talked about Cats: The Movie before and how much I enjoyed it because the musical gave them nothing to work with. They made a plot out of a bunch of songs that didn’t make any sense, but it was fun, so no one really cared. That’s what life feels like. Like, I’m trying to make a movie out of a bunch of random short stories that really have nothing to do with each other. How do we know if it really means anything?

Getting used to the feeling of losing
Getting paralyzed
In shackled freedom (Yeah)
A small fantasy within me
Oh, Halazia, Halazia, Halazia

Right now, I’m in the stage after depression where you start to feel hope and think, “maybe everything will be alright.” However, I’m still scared cause I’ve wasted so much time and failed so horribly at life in the past that it almost seems silly to hope because I’ve been here before. But then I fell back into old habits and negative thinking.

I want to hear
The sound of love's breath
I want to know
If it's okay this way

Just some sort of sign that I’m going in the right direction. Something to let me know that this is okay and that I’m on the right path. Or that it’s okay to let my guard down and hope that things will get better and that it’s not just some brief string of luck.

[Pre-Chorus]
Mm, the little blue bird that lost its voice
I can hear the whispers
The beginnings of a deep echo
The voice that will overturn the world

The feeling came back again. The little nagging feeling that everything is gonna work out. That little voice saying my life isn’t meaningless after all. That I do have the power to make the world a better place somehow. I want to believe that so badly. I very much want it to be true.

[Chorus]
Hala-hala-hala-hala-halazia [x4]
I can't feel what it's like to be alive
Even now, in this moment
Color this infinitely cold world
Be the light, oh, Halazia

I don’t just want to maybe believe it. I want to feel it. I want it to be true.

Please let me take real breaths
Let me dance a real dance
Let me dream a real dream and
Let me feel all these senses

Right now, I’ve reached the stage I call ‘Happy Anxiety’ It’s when I think about how good life is going and how amazing it could be and feel like I can actually do it. So I start feeling anxious because good things don’t happen to me and living a meaningful life still seems too good to be true. I want it to be real. It’s just a scary thought because the better I feel, the worse I can get.

Even love has been swallowed up
When waves are made
Here in this place
This movement that will last forever

So many wonderful, terrifying possibilities. Sometimes I think it’s better to be depressed because when you don’t hope you don’t get disappointed.

Who are you?
Uh, it's just me, myself and I
Who are you?
Who are you reflected in the mirror?
Who are you?

A while back, I told my friend that hopefully, normal Erin would be back soon because depressed Erin is no fun. It is weird how different the 2 are. Sometimes I feel like being normal and happy is a lot of pressure. I want to be like that, but as I said, it’s scary.

Behind this road lies expectations within expectations
Where do I stand among the next and future generations?

It’s a valid question. Wouldn’t it be nice to have all the answers?

[Insert Pre-Chorus and Chorus here]
The truth hidden in fear
Blooms beyond that
*Distinctly beyond there*
What have we been so silent for?
Who are we in the darkness for?
If one wish could be realized, would you grant me the light?
For hot passion instead of cold despair
I want to feel

This is the part that really got me. Sometimes when I hear music, I can’t describe what it means to me in words because I can tell that the person who wrote the song understands the feelings I’ve been struggling with. I think it makes sense that I would be scared, but I can’t live if I let the fear keep holding me back. Maybe that’s how it is in life. You don’t know in words if you are doing well or not. It’s that feeling I need to follow to get where I want to go. To feel like my life means something. To feel happy and alive, not scared and sad. That’s what I want this year.

Be the light, oh, Halazia
No more, keep control
Halazia
No more, keep your soul
Halazia
No more, keep control
Halazia
Clear the darkness, oh, Halazia
Halazia
Be the light, oh, Halazia

I can’t tell you what Halazia means, but I think I know, even if I can’t find words for it. I hope I can live my life with some Halazia. It’s okay to be afraid as long as I don’t let that fear stop me from living my best life. I really want this year to be different, and I hope it will be. Not just for me but for you guys too. I hope this is your best year yet!

Sincerely,
LIBD

#MusicMonday (Still Dream by Woojin)

Posted on by LIBD

First off shout out to Woojin! If you love K-pop you HAVE to listen to this album. It’s so good, and there is not a single song I don’t like. I love how personal it is too. You can tell he really poured his heart into it, and that’s not an easy thing to do. I almost didn’t post part 3 because it’s scary to open up about struggles and life and be so honest about it. He did though and it’s great so make sure you check out his album. This translation is from klyricsforyou.com, so shout out to them as well for their amazing translations.

Even within danger
My dream has beautifully blossomed
It’s faraway but even in the darkness
There is always a way

I think people exaggerate the concept of dreams. I want to continue to dream though. Because without dreams, what is life? Life is inspired by dreams, and that’s why we need them. I think it’s important though, to be realistic about dreams. Dreams are meant to be lived, not achieved. Any second I’m blogging, I’m living my dream. Every riding lesson, I am living another dream. So, what if I’m not a world-famous blogger? Who cares if I’m not a Grand Prix level Equestrian? Have you seen how high those jumps are?! They look terrifying! I need to give myself more credit for every little step I take.

I know this but I’m always nervous
My days that are always headed toward you
Dance above the waves
But I, oh, I still
Still dream

I am a little nervous. It’s hard for me to wake up with a brand-new outlook because, as I expressed in the last post, what if it doesn’t work? I can make it work though. Today I worked with one of my favorite co-workers and worked more on this post! It feels good to enjoy life again, which means being content with growth, however small it may be.

Chorus: I’m shouting and running to you
Even if I’m falling right now
Fly, toward you

I know it won’t instantly be perfect, but hopefully, I can keep getting better, working harder, and dreaming bigger. The members of Oneus wanted to be idols. They became idols, and now their dreams keep getting bigger. Yes Ravn, Tomoons have been listening, and we will do our best to help you conquer billboard next.

Chorus continued:
Endless darkness chases after me
Even if it drenches my wings
Fly, even farther, I’ll go

Whenever I’m feeling down, I will think of Oneus and Woojin. They never gave up even when it got hard; eventually, hard work will pay off. For Oneus, it was their first music show win. For Woojin, it was making music again. For me…. More likes and follows. What can I say? I’m shallow, like a kiddy pool. I explained to someone yesterday that I have 106 email subscribers, but my brain doesn’t make the connection. It will always be just a place where I write down my thoughts and sort through my feelings. Whenever I get likes, I’m always like, “eh, it was probably just an accident,” lol.

Where am I? Where is the end?
It was a night when I desperately wanted to ask
But the answer is still
In the unknown tomorrow

The amount of work you have to put in to get where you want to go can be daunting. I’m tired just thinking about it. But I will take it one day at a time, at my own pace, believe in myself, and not think about other people’s standards, just like Oneus taught me. I know every K-pop fan says their favorite group is the best, but Oneus is the best. We are just waiting for everyone else to get on the train. Woojin, please, I need more music so I can love you more, but for now, have fun on your tour!

Even the mirage in the desert
Can be seen by those who dream
So I, oh, I still
Still Dream
[Insert Chorus]
Ooh oh Ooh oh fly higher
Ooh oh Ooh oh fly farther

So let’s do it, guys!! Let’s not be afraid to still dream amid the chaos and clutter of life. I want to be happy, and now I know how to do it. I still have a long way to go, but that’s okay because at least I’m going now.

My small wings are weakly flapping
It’s not enough to fly far ahead
But because you’re far away over there, I can’t stop
Because even the darkness will turn into brilliance if it’s you

I was making my author bio the other day, and everything I researched said the same thing. First: write in the third person. That’s right, the internet told me to, and I felt like a moron doing it. Second: Keep it short and sweet. Third: Establish credibility. Here’s the issue though… I have none!! I may just be me, but that’s not an insult. I’m still finding my way, is all. And that’s okay. And why is that okay, Oneus??? Because “A little slower not gonna hurt your vibe.”

I’m shouting and running to you
Even if I’m falling right now
Fly, toward you
Endless darkness chases after me
Even if it drenches my wings
Fly, even farther, I’ll go

More than anything else, I want to be nicer to myself. I want to stop accusing myself of being a failure because I don’t want to do anything some days. It doesn’t mean my life is ending. All it’s doing is taking away any chance of joy in my life. I’m lazy! I can’t help it, but maybe it’s time to love that part of me too, instead of being ashamed of it. Everybody needs to rest sometimes. Dreams are centered around growth. If you are growing, you are living your dreams. Woojin went through a really, really tough time before this album. I could write an entire post expressing my anger towards that situation, so I will just say this.

I think there are a lot of people who still owe him an apology. However, instead of apologizing, they just pretended as if nothing had happened. I would have given up if I were him, but he didn’t. Even after that, he continued to follow his dreams, and I hope I can be more like him. Learning Korean got extremely difficult, so I stopped and gave up. I hope I can be like Woojin and find the strength and courage to carry on, even when a situation seems hopeless. It’s okay to take a break because I was getting frustrated with how difficult it was, but it’s not okay for me to give up. Your dreams aren’t dead as long as you put forth the effort.

Living dreams doesn’t mean winning every music show. It doesn’t mean having a blog with thousands of likes, comments, and followers; it definitely doesn’t mean everything is going right. Living your dreams is when you don’t have a popular blog, you don’t win every music show, and everything is going wrong, but you keep moving forward despite all of it. As long as you are trying, you are living your dream.

Ooh oh Ooh oh fly higher
Ooh oh Ooh oh fly farther

Sincerely,
LIBD