This song almost feels like it’s mocking me right now. It used to make me feel so much better.
I don't set alarms
Lately I don't set alarms
But that's because of the ringing that's happening inside my head
Inside my head
Bro, I wish. I don’t set alarms on my days off anymore. If my brain suddenly wants to sleep till noon, who am I to say no? I can never sleep in too long though, because I have to let my dog out. I dread my alarms in the morning when I work; I don’t want to go to work anymore. Everything in my life is going wrong, and I’m supposed to just go to work like everything’s fine. Dying inside and cheerfully answering the phone and greeting everyone who comes in.
Yeah yeah
It keeps me safe from harm
At least I tell myself I'm safe from harm
But really, it's probably filling my dreams with dread
So I get out of bed
That’s one thing that hasn’t changed since I got out of the psych ward all those years ago. I get out of bed. When I’m not working, it’s usually only to move to the couch, but it’s still something, and that’s better than nothing I guess. I don’t want to go to work, but I’m not sure I’m any better off staying home, stuck with my thoughts and frustrations.
Yeah yeah
Yes, I'm neurotic. I'm obsessed, and I know it
I can't take vacations in my brain, or believe me I'd be on one
Hawaii under warm sun
Yeah yeah
It’s like my brain will never shut off, and even in those brief moments when things are going good, my brain still manages to freak out about something. Wouldn’t it be so nice to just not think? There are those mindfulness exercises where you imagine yourself on a beach and relax. The problem with that is I’m not stupid. I know I’m not on a beach. I’m happy for anyone who has found exercises like that helpful. I wish my brain would cooperate enough for that. Maybe I’m too pessimistic; maybe it’s because I have ADHD, but my brain just doesn’t work like that.
Chorus: I think I lost my mind
Don't worry about me
Happens all the time
In the morning, I'll be better
In the morning, I'll be better
Sing it again
I think I lost my mind
But don't worry about me
Happens all the time
In the morning, I'll be better
Things are only getting better
Sing it again
Sing it again
I used to believe that, but those words remind me of a scene in this show called Our Flag Means Death. Ed, Stede, and the pirate queen just finished fighting all these British soldiers. The pirate queen compliments Ed on this spectacular flip thing he did when he killed one of the soldiers during the battle. Then Stede chips in (Ed and Stede are a thing, but it’s complicated, and you’d have to watch it), talking about his (very minimal) contribution to the fight, asking if they saw it. Ed turns to Stede and says, “I saw it. You were great babe,” but he says it in the voice I use when my friend shows me something I don’t care about, so I say, “That’s cool,” just to be polite. That’s how these words sound to me. It’s like, “Oh, yeah, it’ll be okay,” half-heartedly thrown out there as a nice thought that they hope I will believe. That’s just where I’m at right now though.
I'll tell myself I'll change
That's right, I tell myself I'll change
But then I begin to realize that the problems inside my veins
But it's inside my veins (vein)
Yeah yeah
If I had a dollar for every time I said I would be better, I’m gonna buckle down, or I’m not gonna let myself go on like this…. It’s so easy to say, but it’s starting to feel like maybe I’m doomed to be a lazy, depressed loner who will never get her shit together. That show I was talking about got canceled. There was supposed to be a 3rd season. It didn’t get canceled until after I became a fan, just like everything else I ever liked. It’s certainly starting to feel personal.
I swear I'm not insane
Yes, most likely not insane
Everybody goes through moments of losing their clarity
At least I'm never boring
But I've been losing sleep so call the doctor said take one of these
And call me in the morning
[Chorus]
I’m not crazy. I asked my psychiatrist. She said I wasn’t, but I think she was just being nice. I understand we all go through difficult times, but this feels different. She said I’m spiraling, so at least now I know why everything is awful. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do about it. The show getting canceled reminded me, just like when they made Ravn leave, that everything in life is out of my control. I’m at the mercy of whatever cruel thing life would like to subject me to next. Yay me. (please note the sarcasm)
So here's the question asked
Of all the things you love, the people and places from the future to your ancient past
Of every one of those which one will cause you to let it go, let it go
Need to crash
Those words hurt my head. I don’t know what to make of them, and my brain is too tired to think. If any of you would like to do me a solid and leave your interpretation in the comments, that would be amazing.
Think you lost your mind
Well, don't worry about it
Happens all the time
In the morning, you'll be better
Things are only getting better
Sing it again
[Chorus]
Sincerely,
LIBD
Even if you dont want to get out of bed you still do it, and as pessimistic you are you still try to give yourself reasons to keep surviving your dreadful thoughts, isnt that brave enough?
Writing this series really helped me think through things and remember that every day is a new adventure. Might not be a good adventure but I suppose there’s only one way to find out. Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to comment!