Edit: (2 days after I posted it): I realized it was not actually Monday when I uploaded this, so I apologize for killing the spirit of music Monday. I promise it will never happen again. I was just so excited to finally post anything.
I heard this song when it first came out because my brother and friends were super into Twenty One Pilots, and I liked them too, just not this song. I always thought it was lame because it didn’t even make sense. I was like, “Okay…. You know you can buy a new car radio? It’s not cheap, but it’s possible.” I’ve listened to it a few times since then, and it never really grew on me. Silence is actually pretty nice sometimes. Then one day, I found myself sad, alone, and ‘sitting in silence.’ It reminded me of this song, so I listened to it. Again. Except for this time, it was like I was hearing the song for the first time because I finally got it. I finally understood that it had nothing to do with the radio in his car being stolen. And that you could most definitely not just go, ‘buy a new one.’ It’s a metaphor and a great one at that! Alright, enough of my babbling. Let’s go!
Author’s note: I wrote this once but didn’t like it. Now, as I sit here trying to decide who I hate more (the world or myself). I think I know what I want to say now. Alright, this time, we are starting for real.
I ponder of something great My lungs will fill and then deflate They fill with fire, exhale desire I know it's dire my time today
I do ponder. Quite a lot, actually. I feel like I could be great. I could be awesome, like the intelligent and successful people I often see in life. I know I could, but I’m not, and it’s all my fault. In my blogs, I usually write about how the only goal for today is to be better than yesterday………. I kind of suck at that sometimes. Like, a lot. I know exactly what I need to do to be great, and every day I don’t do it. Every day I hate myself a little bit more. Yup, you caught me. I said the one thing that I always say you should never say. Like I said, I know why my life sucks, and if I would freakin’ do something about it, maybe I wouldn’t be so miserable and depressed constantly. I suck at life. It’s not hard; I don’t know what my deal is. Today, I should be doing everything to make my life as great as I know it could be. But no. that’s not what I did
I have these thoughts, so often I ought To replace that slot with what I once bought 'Cause somebody stole my car radio And now I just sit in silence
The funny thing I realized is that in counseling, I learned that how my parents and teachers treated me was not okay, and I got that. I know the things they said weren’t true, but for some reason, I recently realized that now I am treating myself the same way. For example, I had a teacher who liked to say if I was really trying, I would have better grades. Now I feel like if I were really trying, then my life would be better. I know they shouldn’t have said that to me, but it sounds like a legit point, right? My mom always told me that if I was sorry, I wouldn’t do whatever I had just apologized for. I know that’s not right, and if I turned that phrase around on the people in my life now………I wouldn’t even do that; it’s just not right. Somehow though, my brain is once again saying, ‘isn’t it a good point’?? I get so pissed when people say they will do something and then back out with a “sorry.” If you were sorry, you wouldn’t do it, right!? I would never say it out loud to anyone, but that’s what I start thinking whenever someone backs out on me. After all, I was told that for 15 years. Even if I know, realistically, it’s not a fair statement, I still think it’s true. If I really felt terrible about not taking the initiative in my life, then I would start doing it, right? Yet somehow, not only do I feel incredibly shitty about myself for slacking off so much, but I’m also still not doing anything about it. I know it’s wrong, so why do I still believe those words??
Sometimes quiet is violent I find it hard to hide it My pride is no longer inside It's on my sleeve My skin will scream reminding me of Who I killed inside my dream I hate this car that I'm driving
It used to be okay. Everyone always said, “you’ve got your whole life to figure things out.” Now I’m 25, my life sucks, I’ve been forever single, and my life is going nowhere. There’s no excuse for it because it’s all my fault for not trying harder. I hate everyone. I hate the ones who contributed to my messed-up thinking, and I hate the ones who keep telling me I have time because no!! I don’t!!!!!!! I don’t want to finally get my life together when I’m 50. Then only have like 30 years to enjoy it before I die alone and bitter that I wasted over half of my life!!!!!!!!! Now, that is what my counselor calls catastrophizing. Another big no-no, but really the alternate title to this should be ‘everything you shouldn’t do in your mental health recovery.’ Well, screw it, none of the other things were working, so if I’m going to be miserable either way, I might as well be honest about it. I hate everything. (I know I don’t hate everything, but it feels good to hate stuff, so I’m going to do it just this once)
There's no hiding for me I'm forced to deal with what I feel There is no distraction to mask what is real I could pull the steering wheel
I don’t even need to say anything about this part. He hit the nail right on the head. I can’t hide anymore, so I have to deal with it, and distracting myself doesn’t work at all, and honestly, I would love to just give up on life. I’m not going to, but it would be nice not to have to deal with this shit every day.
I have these thoughts, so often I ought To replace that slot with what I once bought 'Cause somebody stole my car radio And now I just sit in silence
For realz, why am I so messed up in my head? Why can’t I be normal? I’ve tried, guys. I really have. I’ve tried to reframe my thoughts. I’ve tried to stay in the moment without worrying about the future. I’ve tried to be kind to myself, but it mostly feels like I’m enabling myself. Why am I so stressed out by absolutely everything?!?! I hate my life!!! I don’t want to be positive anymore; everyone knows I’m faking it! Why am I such a failure!!!!!! I know I’m not a failure, and I shouldn’t say that about myself, but again, it feels legit. I’m sorry. This is not the right way to handle the situation, but I don’t like the right way anymore. I don’t want to make phone calls to new doctors and get my license. I don’t want to go out and meet new people. I just want to stay at home and cry, scream, and maybe break something. I would love to break something, but that’s wasteful, so I bury it all inside while the anger eats away at my soul.
I ponder of something terrifying 'Cause this time there's no sound to hide behind
I used to have more time to get this all figured out. I should have done it before I got to this point because now, I have to deal with it, and it’s terrifying. Like, the trailer for the Pet Cemetery remake level of scary. I hate making phone calls. And that’s just step 1!! There’s way more!
I find over the course of our human existence One thing consists of consistence And it's that we're all battling fear Oh dear, I don't know if we know why we're here
Yes. BUT. Some people are braver than others. I’m not one of those people. I should be. Another thing that I should do that I refuse to do every day. I’m lazy, right? If I were really trying, I’d be better than this, right????
Oh my, too deep, please stop thinking I liked it better when my car had sound
Me too bro. Me too. You have no idea how bad I wish I could just stop thinking. It’s a nightmare.
There are things we can do But from the things that work there are only two And from the two that we choose to do Peace will win and fear will lose
But the road to peace is scary, so aren’t I losing either way? I wasn’t kidding. I’ve been trying to stay positive for so long. I’m going to go big or go home with my level of negativity right now. I’m so over coping tools right now it’s ridiculous. I wasn’t trying as hard as I should have. I know that, and I hate that, but clearly not enough to do anything about it. Needless to say, at the current moment, peace is not winning, and fear sure isn’t losing, but again it’s something we have to choose, and I guess I just can’t help but choose wrong.
There’s faith and there's sleep We need to pick one please, because Faith is to be awake And to be awake is for us to think And for us to think is to be alive
Faith…… I’m not even going there because it’s past 11 at night, and I don’t have time to unload everything with y’all. Sleep is nice. Sleep is the only way I can truly ignore my problems and the one time of day I’m not stressed. Then again, how would I know if I’m asleep? I’m probably stressed in my sleep too. That’s not unreasonable, but even if I am, I don’t know I’m stressed, which is just as lovely.
And I will try with every rhyme To come across like I am dying To let you know you need to try to think
I want to be real with y’all for a second. I’m typing this partly to get it off my chest, but also so that anyone who reads this will make better choices than I am. I’m doing exactly what you’re not supposed to do to deal with depression and anxiety, and this really isn’t working either. Please, if you read this, don’t do this to yourself. Be braver and stronger than I’m being right now. I deserve better than this, and so do you, but I’m just not there at the moment, so I should probably talk to my counselor or anyone to help me. I said that the ‘right way wasn’t working, but this is working even less. Please don’t be me. The whole point of this blog is not only to work through my thoughts but also so I can share my wisdom with you in the hopes that you won’t make the same mistakes that I have. I’ll get there eventually, but if I can give you guys a head start, that’s just as good.
I have these thoughts, so often I ought To replace that slot with what I once bought 'Cause somebody stole my car radio And now I just sit in silence
I need to deal with this the right way. Even if I hate it, I should ask for help because it’s better a little late than a lot late, right? I need to figure out how to deal with these few steps back so I can get back on track, but it’s hard right now. I’m so mad at myself for not being better. I’m angry at everyone for not caring enough, which is totally stupid. Still, it feels like I’m on my own, and I don’t know why I’m so clingy and constantly needing others to……. I don’t know, validate my life??? If they aren’t talking to me constantly, my brain suddenly decides that they must not care about me, which again is ridiculous, but this is my life. This is where I’m at right now, and I don’t like it because I know they don’t hate me, but my brain is still telling me that nobody cares about me, and it’s very annoying.
And now I just sit in silence And now I just sit [x3]
I’ve found that a big part of coping with mental illness is patience. When I get like this, I’m not going to accomplish anything. I just need to be even kinder to myself until I can get to a place where mentally, I’m ready to deal with it. If anyone wants to call it enabling, then go for it. Right now, though, I can’t even get myself to brush my teeth or leave my couch when I’m not at work. I can’t even bring myself to clean my room, and sometimes I don’t even have the motivation to eat. I should start with that and work my way up to fixing my life. Maybe once I figure out how to properly take care of myself, I can handle the rest of my life. I still hate that I get like this, you know? I don’t like this part of depression. I want to do everything when I can barely do anything, making me sad and bitter. Oh well, I think you get my point. I have one more thing to share before I wrap up this #musicmonday.
Oneus (they are my fav K-pop group) recently had a comeback with their new album. In the process of streaming and voting to try and get them a win, I made a few friends in the comments section of their music video. It was a super fun time, and it really helped distract me, but now it’s over, and that’s probably why I’m suddenly a hot mess. Anyway, I had a bad weekend where I didn’t really want to do anything. Still, one day I decided to get caught up with the comments because I knew it would distract me from my thoughts. I saw a comment from one of them saying that they hadn’t seen Er-Budd (that’s me) in a while, and one of the others agreed with a sad face. I don’t know why, but it meant so much to me that these people who don’t even know me cared! At least a little bit. I left a comment saying I had a rough few days, but I’m back now. Anyway, I’m telling you this story because of one of the replies I got. They welcomed me back, saying that they hope I feel better soon, which already made my day, but then one of them left a comment that I think would be very fitting for this blog. It said, “When everything feels like an uphill struggle, just think of the view from the top.” I think I need to do that more often. Even if I do nothing else tomorrow except focus my thoughts on less negative things, I think it will be an okay day.
I ponder of something great My lungs will fill and then deflate They fill with fire, exhale desire I know it's dire my time today I have these thoughts, so often I ought To replace that slot with what I once bought 'Cause somebody stole my car radio And now I just sit in silence
Sincerely,
LIBD
