#MusicMonday (Let Me In by Dermot Kennedy)

Hey guys, how are you? I’m not great, so hopefully you are doing better. It was brought to my attention that when Tottenham is doing well Columbus Crew rarely is and vice versa. Last week they both sucked though, so I’m not sure how accurate that still is, but I guess I’ll find out. Today’s #MusicMonday is a newer song called Let Me In by Dermot Kennedy.

I wrote a long time ago about when I think back to how depressed I was at my worst. I said how I don’t remember the feeling because it was so bad that unless you experience it, you’ll never know how awful it was. I can attest to that now because I forgot how awful it really feels.

I was up late crying the other night about how horrible everything is, and I came across this song. I listened to it 5 more times that night before I finally fell asleep. The last time listened I just prayed it and hoped God would hear me and maybe do something about it, but I guess he’s busy. In any case, that’s why I wanted to share it with you.

In Okains Bay,
oh, I could have stayed
and never went home

The other day, I was looking at old videos from concerts and remembering the moments and the hours I never wanted to end. The short trips I never wanted to come back from. The concerts, the fleeting moments of joy that I’ve experienced.

Might have been brief,
but at least I was free from all of my ghosts
That live in my head like reflections on water
that only come once

It’s so weird to me how the best moments are so hard for my brain to hang onto. Like, if I didn’t have the photos to prove it, I wouldn’t think it actually happened. Meanwhile, bad thoughts and memories are etched into my brain like stone. I hate it. I’m sure there’s a scientific explanation for it, but I can’t be bothered to look it up. If you know why, please enlighten me in the comments.

I still haven't learned, deceptions in
the cinematic version of love
But I can't get enough

It’s a double-edged sword because your life can’t be too happy. It has to suck at least a little bit sometimes, so you can appreciate the good things. I don’t know how long I’ve been in denial about being depressed, but I can’t talk myself out of it anymore. I just can’t bring myself to do hardly anything anymore.

These days, oh, the world doesn't sing to me
quite how it used to
See, this life is a touch too damn much for me
Maybe that's meant for me

I’ve been eating out more. Getting worse about showering. I was on a 5-day streak of brushing my teeth and washing my face, and now it’s just so hard again. Like every little, tiny task just feels like a mountain. I know they say God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle, but…. Just because I can doesn’t mean I want to or should have to. I’ve said it once, and I’m not afraid to say it again. If this is his plan, it’s a really shitty plan.

'Cause I know there's a room where I'm happy
But I can't find my way to the door

When I heard this, it resonated so much with me because I know depression isn’t forever. I know somewhere is a room where I’m actually happy and enjoying life, but I’m hopelessly lost and have no clue where it is. I’m not sure if I’m on the right floor. I’m not ever sure I’m in the right building, but I know it’s out there.

Tell me who wins the war 'tween my heart and my head?
I forgot what I'm suffering for

If you are a longtime reader, you’ll know that that knowledge means nothing to me right now. It could be 5 years before it gets better. It could be 50! I’m not doing this for 5 more years, let alone 50. I messaged my psychiatrist, but I’m hoping she’s on vacation right now because if she’s not, then she’s ignoring me.

I surrender to dark, when it all falls apart
At least I won't have to pretend
And I know there's a room where I'm happy
Let me in, let me in

I’m not pretending anymore. I’m keeping it together for work, but with my friends, I’m not faking it anymore. They know I’m crazy, they don’t really care. If I’m sad, I’m gonna be sad. I don’t need to pretend to be happy; eventually, I will be happy again. I’m hoping that maybe that day will be tomorrow, but I’m not holding my breath.

To tell you the truth,
I was wondering why
you'd be so drawn to my voice
Like the tide to the moon,
if you move I move, honey, it's not a choice

I’ve always wondered why the people who read my blog read it. I’m not the only one with problems. I’m sure I’m not the only one who talks about their problems. Depressed people are such a buzz kill (I only say that because I’m really bummed out by my own mind right now), and at least 70% of my posts were written while I was depressed. I can see stats. I know I get steady traffic, but I’m not an influencer. I’m not even that interesting, so why do you read? I’m not complaining, just curious, so let me know in the comments if you feel comfortable leaving comments.

Now I'm showing you all of these parts of myself
I'm terrified I'll bring you closer to hell but
These days, oh, the world doesn't sing to me quite how it used to

Sometimes I go back when I’m doing well and read some of my more depressing things, and I’m like, “Man, this is so depressing.” Of course, then when I’m sad, I read things I wrote when I’m happy, and I’m like, “shut up, you don’t know what you’re talking about”. These days, everything just seems darker and duller, and I’m disappointed in myself for not being able to suck it up and push through.

See, this life is a touch too damn much for me
Maybe that's meant for me
'Cause I know there's a room where I'm happy
But I can't find my way to the door

Everything feels like too much. Simple tasks, self-care, and even my feelings feel like they are too big for me to deal with. I’m so tired, I just want to spend the rest of my life on my couch and never leave.

Tell me who wins the war 'tween my heart and my head?
I forgot what I'm suffering for
I surrender to dark, when it all falls apart
At least I won't have to pretend
I know there's a room where I'm happy
Oh, let me in, let me in

I can’t just not do stuff forever because I’m depressed though. I wish I could just slap myself hard enough to snap out of it and get over it. It’s frustrating when your brain is working against you and not with you. I hate this feeling. It sucks.

Let me in, let me in
Let me in, let me in
Let me in, let me in
Let me in, let me in
And I'd give anything to change my, anything to change my fate

PLEASE LET ME IN!!! I just want to be okay again.

I know there's a room where I'm happy
But I can't find my way to the door
Tell me who wins the war 'tween my heart and my head?
I forgot what I'm suffering for
I surrender to dark, when it all falls apart
At least I won't have to pretend
I know there's a room where I'm happy
Let me in, let me in

I wanted so badly to be okay. I know God doesn’t hate me, but I definitely feel like he could be doing something about this. Maybe he’s just busy like my psychiatrist. Sorry if this was a downer but thank you to everyone who read to the end. I may not know who you are, but I’m so grateful for all of you. It’s a comfort to know that my words aren’t just dissolving into the wind. Someone out there is reading them, and I’m being heard. And that means more to me than anything else.

I hope you have a good week this week. If you are struggling like me, then let’s just take it 24 hours at a time. We’ll get through it, and if we keep going, we will find our rooms one day. So, let’s not give up just because it’s hard. Music has a way of reaching the parts of us that words just can’t. If this song spoke to you like it did me, I’d love to know. And I would also love to know what songs get you through your hardest days. Let me know in the comments. Good luck, and I wish you the very best!

Sincerely,
LIBD