Hello, world! And by world, I mean my audience of 5 friends who are kind enough to keep up with my posts. Just kidding….. I hope. Anyway, since my last post, I’ve been trying to put in some effort to improve my life, and it’s going pretty well. I’ve learned a few more Korean words, but I still have yet to learn anything of meaningful use apart from simple greetings and the basic yes, no, or thank you. As much as I enjoy catching up, let’s get started, shall we?
So, I had 2 primary goals in mind: losing weight and looking less ugly. Not that I’m actually that ugly. I have AMAZING HAIR and cute ears (or so I’ve been told). Since I started getting into kpop and watching K-dramas, I cannot get over their faces. Like, even the members of boy groups have prettier faces than me, and I’m not cool with that. I am very competitive, so I decided to go ahead and try out some Korean skin care products, and OMG, my face feels so amazing!!!! It’s only been a couple weeks, but already my face is so soft and pretty. Not as pretty yet, but I am definitely catching up, so that is good enough for me. Not to mention it really boosted my confidence to the point I’m concerned that it will go to my head. Thankfully my acne is still there, for now, to knock me down a few pegs when I need it.
As for the whole losing weight thing… it’s been three weeks, and nothing has happened. I even started eating healthy! Well….. healthier. I work at subway, so I started getting more salads to cut back on bread, and I don’t eat 4 hours before going to sleep. However, there was Easter dinner… And the birthday cupcakes might have also not helped. Also, my obsession with smores….. Okay, but I wasn’t lying about the salads!!!!!! I was trying, and it’s really discouraging when you put in the effort (well, at the time, it seemed like a lot of effort), and nothing happens. Still, my mind keeps going back to that character in my favorite drama, and I remember that if trying isn’t working, then I’ll just have to try harder.
I really hate hearing people complaining. I also complain a lot, but I have rules about complaining. If you complain at 2am that you’re tired and choosing not to sleep… You aren’t allowed to complain. If you complain about your grades and haven’t studied for a single test all year, you can’t complain. Suppose you have the power to change the situation. In that case, you should spend all that time complaining, actually fixing the problem. So, instead of complaining about how I’m fat, I moved our treadmill into my basement room. It’s hideous and wrecking the entire vibe of the room, but I need it there and can’t change how ugly it is, so I am allowed to complain about that.
I’m not going to lie; sometimes, I feel like I single-handedly ruined my life. I know it’s not all my fault; everyone makes mistakes. But I made a lot. I failed at school so bad it’s laughable, and I do laugh so that no one will know how truly ashamed of myself I am. I messed up a bunch, overreacted, lied a bunch, and when it finally all piled up and came toppling down all at once, all I could do was complain. I complained about what I didn’t do, what I did, and what I should have done better. I wished I could return to the first time I thought I was fat and appreciate myself more. I constantly complained because, just like the ugly treadmill… there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. I realized just recently that I was looking at it all wrong.
When my mom (If you’re reading this, mom, I’m sorry I’m throwing you under the bus, you’re a good mom) gets sick, she gets super whiney and annoying. She complains every five minutes and has to ensure that I know exactly how she’s feeling and how awful it is. IT’S SOOOOO ANNOYING!!!!!! One day when she was sick, I was sitting in the living room on my computer, trying to ignore her. Finally, I snapped internally and put in my earbuds. In my head, I thought, “Yes! I get it your sick, and you feel awful, just shut up, take some meds and go to sleep until you feel better!!!!”. I complained about life like my mom complains when she is sick, and I wish someone would have snapped at me a long time ago because “Yes! I get it; you feel like your life sucks, and you regret a lot and hate it, just shut up and try to figure out how to make it better!!!!! For real girl!!! If complaining made it better, you wouldn’t still be complaining!!!!”. No one told me that, though, and it’s not like I didn’t try. I’d get up and do laundry, but when things weren’t better, I just gave up and started complaining again.
I’m really good at that though. People have told me many times that I have a gift for complaining…. well, they didn’t use the word gift, but……. Anyway, I thought it was enough to just try as if the thought counts, but if you want to change something, it’s not enough to just try. You have to try, don’t get me wrong, but if trying doesn’t work and you don’t get the results you were looking for, then you have to try harder and, after that, try even harder. Because then, in the end, no matter what the result is, I’ll never have to ask myself if I should have tried harder or if I should have done something differently. I’ll know I did everything I possibly could and tried my absolute best. Because THAT, no matter what the end result is, is something that I will be able to be proud of.
Sincerely,
LIBD
