Tag: anxiety

sea waves crashing on shore

I Wish I Was More… Just More

Posted on by LIBD

I wasn’t sure what to write about. I thought about songs. I’m listening to Cough Syrup by Young the Giant as I write this. It’s on repeat. It feels right. But nothing made me feel inspired. Then Chat GPT gave me the idea to just write about my life and what I’m going through right now and where I’m at. So, I’m sorry it’s not inspiring or exciting, but it’s legit. Are you ready?

Well, first off, I asked my doctor to give me a referral to weight management. I don’t want a beach body. I just want to be able to get up off the floor and low chairs without turning it into an ordeal. It’s humiliating. I would also like to have obesity removed from my medical record. It was for a while, but they added it again. My doctor was happy to give me a referral; she said she thought it could be a great resource for me. All I know is that eating healthy and working out isn’t working out with my depression, and I need all the help I can get.

In other medical news, my psychiatrist finally put her foot down. I’m going back to counseling, but not till September because that’s the soonest her office has available!! But I’m on a wait list because if I have to do it, I would like to get it over with. They only do 10-12 sessions, so when she told me that, I was sold. I don’t want this to become a thing.

She increased my buspar to 3 times a day, and that’s helped get my anxiety under control. Seriously, it’s soooo much better, but my depression is still dragging me down. Everything is so freaking hard. Making food is so hard. And my psychiatrist says part of my problem could be diet and exercise. She wants me to go for walks, like, outside. I do occasionally because I downloaded Pokémon Go again (just reached level 54), and so sometimes I go Pokémon hunting. Maybe I will tomorrow. 

So, as I said, I do still have Cough Syrup playing on repeat. From the very beginning of the song, it’s just so relatable. “Life’s too short to even care at all, whoa-oh-oh I’m losing my mind, losing my mind, losing control”. That’s how I feel every day. Then into the chorus, where it’s like they read my mind. “If I could find a way to see this straight, I’d run away to some fortune that I should have found by now”. I just feel like I should be more than this by now. That my life should be more than this by now, you know?

Then finally near the end, it says, “And so I run now to the things they said could restore me. Restore life the way it should be”. I feel like I’m grasping at straws trying to get my life together. But nothing’s working. And the thing about seeing weight loss doctors and counselors is that they can’t do the work for you. All my life I’ve been told I’m lazy. So, if that is the real problem, then what if I’m just doomed? I don’t want to be doomed. It’s just so hard, and I’m worried I won’t be able to follow through.

On a brighter note, Kota is still kicking. I brought her to work with me the other day, and she added some new members to her fan club. I only bring her on the weekends now though, because she whines and occasionally barks when I step away from the desk, and it’s annoying. So I stopped bringing her on weekdays except for every once in a while.

I realized food is the only thing that makes me happy anymore, but not just any food. Unhealthy food. And it’s not good. I had chocolates for dinner one evening. I don’t know if you know this, but chocolate is not dinner. It’s getting out of control. That’s why I asked for the referral. They couldn’t get me in until July!! It’s alright though, I’m on a wait list for that too. 

I just wish life wasn’t so hard, you know. I wish I were better, stronger, more responsible, or just more……. Well, more. But alas, I’m just me. So am I screwed? Tune in next time to find out!!! No, I’m just kidding. I always say the fun is in the mystery, but I guess mystery isn’t always fun.  I hope you guys are hanging in there. Wish me luck, and hope life starts going your way if it hasn’t been lately. Let’s just take it 24 hours at a time and hope for the best. Until next time…

Sincerely,
LIBD

rain drops

#MusicMonday (Cry by Jason Walker)

Posted on by LIBD

I’m not an easy person to offend. I’ve been offended probably 3 times in my life, but I only remember what was said this one time. I’ve talked about this before, but someone said something along the lines of, “… and if the answer is no, are you just going to start crying like you always do?” In their defense, I was crying a lot at that point in life. I was on an antidepressant that didn’t work, I had gained an obscene amount of weight, and I wasn’t in therapy. And I was too timid to say it then, so I’m going to say it now: “How dare you shame me like that”!

The main reason I was offended was because I genuinely thought they were right. Because let’s face it, no one is ever offended by something unless there’s an ounce of truth to what is being said. If someone came up to me and said my jewelry was ugly, I might be mad or defensive, but I wouldn’t be offended.

It wasn’t until I read The Boy, the Mole, the Fox, and the Horse that I realized that what they said was unfair. In the book it says, “tears fall for a reason, and they are your strength not weakness” and these thoughts all jumbled together brought us here to this song. So, with that being said, let’s get this rolling! Quick side note I did condense the lyrics a bit because the word cry repeats a lot, so if you want word for word lyrics this isn’t it.

Oh no, where did all the years go? Was it really worth all of this?
A heartache that was handed to me, holdin' on just don't make sense

This is usually the train of thought that leads to a good cry session. Not always, but like, I’m 30. I thought I’d be more… just more, by now. And life keeps on throwing me hurdles. Any time I think I’ve gotten past the worst, I never let myself relax because I know just around the corner is another trainwreck waiting for me. 

But the hardest part of letting go
is trying to find a way to let you know
So we'll just cry on each other's shoulders
Cry until it's over, can't it just be over?
And we'll just , cry until it's all gone
Been holdin' on for too long, time for us to move on
I'm tired of tryin' to find a reason why
So let's just cry

Sometimes I just feel sad for no reason. I just want to cry, but I don’t because I have no reason to. I’ve learned however, that we don’t always need a reason to cry. I can just put on a sad song and be sad. And if I cry, then I’ll cry. Because tears fall for a reason. And they are our strength not weakness. 

Well, I've been thinkin' 'bout my life and how much time I've wasted
And I'm ready to put it all behind me, let it all be yesterday
But the hardest part of letting go is tryna find a way to let you know

As I said in the beginning, part of the reason I was so mad about what they said was that they weren’t wrong. I wasted so many years of my life feeling sorry for myself. When I say the psych ward is the best thing that ever happened to me, I’m not kidding. It sucked while it was happening, but it was worth it 100 times over. I regret nothing.

So let's just cry on each other's shoulders
Cry until it's over, can't it just be over?
And we'll just cry until it's all gone
Been holdin' on for too long, time for us to move on

Sometimes I have panic attacks that I refer to as meltdowns, and they happen like a volcano. I get anxious, but I calm myself down, and it’s fine for weeks or even months, until it’s not. People think I’m crazy because after a meltdown I’m great!! Everything that I had been shoving down or putting aside is out of myself and into the world (sorry world), and I feel great! Well, except for the chest pain that I have for the next 3 days from hyperventilating.

One time, it was really hot, so that added another level to my meltdown that took me a while to fully recover from, but it feels so much better when all the icky and uncomfortable feelings are outside of you and not inside of you anymore. It’s a real bummer feeling anxious all the time. Thankfully, I haven’t had a meltdown in a while since I started my anxiety medication.

I'm tired of tryin' to find a reason why
So let's just cry, cry on each other's shoulders
Cry until it's over, can't it just be over?

That’s another thought I have a lot. When life feels so overwhelming I wanna cry until it’s over, but when will it be over? I’m an ugly crier, and it gives me a headache, so depending on the time frame I may not want to cry till it’s over. But what else can you do?

And we'll just cry until it's all gone
Been holdin' on for too long, time for us to move on

Have you been holding on for too long? It feels right in the moment to hold on and keep it together. Maybe whatever it was doesn’t seem cryworthy so you just don’t. I’ve learned something about feelings though. You can’t wait them out. You can’t wait for them to go away. You have to work through the feeling, confront it, and deal with it. That’s the only way to make it go away. 

Sure, you can bury the feeling or brush it aside, but that’s a short-term, temporary fix. Not a long-term solution. Whatever we are feeling deserves to be felt. Just like tears fall for a reason, feelings exist for a reason. They may not make sense, and they may not be fun, but they’re there for a reason, so feel it, work through it, and cry through it if that’s what it takes.

I'm tired of trying to find a reason why [x3]
So let's just cry

Thanks for hanging out with me today. I know this post wandered into the deep end—and maybe turned into “crying: the musical” along the way—but hey, sometimes that’s just where life ends up. If you need a good cry, find a sad song or a tear-jerker video and let it all out. This is a no-judgement zone. Honestly, I may be doing the same lol.

Sincerely,
LIBD

assorted color star decor on maroon textile

#MusicMonday (Best Day of my life by Simple plan)

Posted on by LIBD

Surprise!!!! After writing frown, taking some time to be sad and angry, and getting a short but sweet pep talk from my friend. I think I wanna write it. Keeping in mind what I mentioned in last weeks post, I think it’s going to be a little different than what I thought I would write. That’s been how this entire series has gone though, so I’m not worried. I’ve been pleasantly surprised by how it’s turned out so far.

How many good things in my life have I missed out on
By not appreciated what I've got

A lot, but a long time a wrote a post where I mentioned how it’s hard to appreciate things you’ve always had. Until recently, I took for granted having my own space in my mom’s basement, it was just part of my life. I didn’t appreciate not having to think about every purchase I made and whether I could afford something or not. Since I moved in with my dad I’ve got 3 drawers and a foot and a half of closet space for my clothes, outside of work clothes and pj’s I’ve got maybe 4-5 summer shirts and 5-6 long-sleeve or hoodies. I never appreciated the variety I had to pick from. I’m so sick of wearing the same things over and over again.

Sometimes it's hard to see your lucky break for what it is
By only focusing on what it's not

I have this bad habit of always raising the bar. It started out if only I could drive my life would be better. Then it was if only I had a real job, I could be proud of myself. If only my blog had a few readers… If only my views were more consistent, I would be successful. If only I could get out of my mom’s house, I’d be better. Now it’s if only I had my own place I could be proud of myself. I never take time to be proud of myself, I just raise the bar in hopes of one day “having my life together”.

[Pre-Chorus Part 1]
But now I'm starting to see
That my happiness has always been up to me

Some days I do see it. We can’t control what happens to us, but we can control our reactions. For example: after my little crisis the other day, I could choose to focus on that or try to move past that and realize that what I was upset about doesn’t define myself or my life. It’s so hard though, but my life doesn’t have to suck if I don’t want it to. It’s good to be sad and it’s good to be angry, but I shouldn’t let those temporary feelings dictate whether my life is good or bad. It’s whatever I decide it will be today, and today I think I’ll stop being angry and sad about things that I can’t change.

[Pre-Chorus Part 2]
And now I'm starting to see
That I've already got what I need

When you reach the point where you can separate yourself from your feelings, you can look at it from a different perspective. I have a few perspectives that I tend to go back to. The ‘It could be worse’ perspective, the ‘look how far I’ve come’ perspective, or the ‘in the grand scheme of life, is this the hill I want to die on?’ perspective. It depends on the situation. It could be worse doesn’t really work because what I’m mad about isn’t necessarily something that could be that much worse. Looking at how far I’ve come might help, but I haven’t come nearly as far as I hoped, and that’s the problem.

The last one I think is my best bet given the situation. Out of all my problems, if this was the worst one, I wouldn’t even be mad about it. My life would have to be pretty great for this trivial matter to be the worst. I talked in the first post about people ruining your life, but problems and events can have the same power if we let them. Is this really the hill I want to die on. Is this really the thing that I’m going to let ruin my life. No, if anything is going to ruin my life, this is definitely near the bottom. I think it’s time to suck it up and move on.

[Chorus]
Today, I'll live like my glass is half full
There's light at the end of the tunnel
There's always a blessing in disguise
Or by your side
And I, I'm on the top of the world
I'm holding my chin up high
'Cause I'm livin' every day
Like it's the best f**kin' day of my life

I don’t think I could live every day like that. Realistically I don’t think any sane person could, but it’s a good reminder to step back and try to look at it from a different perspective. It’s not going to make it easier and it’s not going to make it go away, but it might make it smaller. I have a tendency when something is wrong to project that feeling on my entire life, but an Etsy shop with no traffic or views is hardly a reflection of my entire life as a whole. Just saying out loud sounds even stupider than I already know it was.

It's time to stop with all the judging by comparison
There's always someone who's got so much more

A lot of someone’s actually, somewhere out there though there’s also someone jealous of you. I promise. There are more successful people than me, there are more successful Etsy shops than mine, but there’s nobody else on earth who can be me better than I can. There’s no one on earth who could be you better than you can.

So what's the point of tryna keep up with it anyway?
Just live your life instead of keeping score
[Insert Pre-Chorus & Chorus]

Everyone’s got problems. Let’s not be jealous of other people’s problems just because they seem happy. Maybe I could be happy. Maybe I could be successful. Maybe I already am. The only reason I think I’m not, is because I use other people as a standard of what I think success looks like. If I take other people out of the equation, I’m just a person who tries really hard and has accomplished a lot. That’s something I think I could be proud of. I hope you can be proud of you too.

Every sunset, every wake
Every time I see your face
Moments I appreciate
I won't let them go to waste

If I can be mad that my Etsy shop isn’t doing well then can’t I also be impressed with how well I did at my last event? Why aren’t I? I can be mad that I don’t have my own horse, so why can’t I smile and remember all the time I spent with Melody and Sunshine. Why is it always the bad things I try so hard to hold onto?

Every high and every low
Every path and every road
Every moment, I'll embrace
I won't let them go to waste

I want to challenge myself whenever I think of something negative to think of something positive that has to do with whatever I was thinking about. What’s the point of good memories besides remembering them when life gets hard. When I’m sad they can remind me that I was also happy, when I think I’m failing they can remind me of my successes. When I think life sucks I can remember that it hasn’t always. It won’t make the feelings go away, but if nothing else it reminds us that there is hope.

Today, I'll live like my glass is half full
There's light at the end of the tunnel
There's always a blessing in disguise
Or by your side
And I, I'm on the top of the world
I'm holding my chin up high
'Cause I'm livin' every day
Like it's the best fuckin' day of my life
(Let's go)

I’m not going to feel happy every day, and not every day is going to be a good one, but at the end of the day the question I have to ask myself is this: Am I really going to let this moment or this feeling ruin my life? I’m not going to live every day like it’s the best day of my life, but I hope I can remember that for as bad as a moment might be, there was a moment that was just as good as this was bad. I read once that brains naturally tend to remember and focus on negative things. It’s not always easy to see a bright side. Life is difficult, and that will never change.

What can change is my perspective. There’s a time to scream and cry and be angry, but there’s also a time to remind my brain that this feeling doesn’t define my life. When I feel like a failure, I hope I can also remember the times I wasn’t. When life feels hopeless, I want to remember the time’s I had hope. When life feels meaningless, I hope I can remember the times it was meaningful. Maybe I won’t right away, as I’ve said many times it’s important to let yourself feel and process whatever you’re feeling. When we are done though I hope we can hold our chins up high and live each day like it’s not the worst day of our lives.

Sincerely,
LIBD

#MusicMonday (Anxiety by Simple Plan)

Posted on by LIBD

Hey guys! Welcome to part 2! Ever since I got the great idea for a new series I hit a roadblock. Just between you and me, this was not at all what I originally planned. This is so much better than what I imagined in my head when I announced I was starting a new series. Also, I just saw Inside Out 2 and the way they portrayed Anxiety was so fascinating. I was sitting in the theater thinking, “omg I can’t wait to write about this”. Let’s get right into it. Also by the time this is posted my Etsy shop should be up and running so click the LIBD Designs page for more info about that. Self-promotion aside. Let’s do this.

The pressure comes, I can feel it now
I'm just another tragic case of
The only one I was missing out
Comparisons I can't escape from

I was at my friend’s house, and I told her Simple Plan had some new albums, but I was afraid to listen to them because I was worried that after so long, they may have lost their relatability. I was like “They have a song called Anxiety. I’ve got to hear it” In those first 4 verses I knew that they hadn’t changed a bit, and I was so relieved. Especially with all the drama I was dealing with. This quickly became my new favorite song.

Pre Chorus:
All these voices circling my head (oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)
I wish I was someone else instead
'Cause it all just brings me down

This takes me back to when I was in college. There’s this part in Inside Out 2… Okay, let me stop and say if you haven’t seen the movie, this whole post is a spoiler lol… There’s this scene where Anxiety is trying to get this group of girls to like Riley and be friends with them, and it’s really funny to watch because you can totally tell that she’s not acting like herself at all, and it reminded me of when I was in college and tried so hard to get people to like me, and in reality, I just embarrassed myself and looked stupid. I’m happy that it only took Riley a week to realize that it wasn’t working. It took me WAY longer.

Chorus:
Anxiety is killing me
All of these expectations are shaking up my sanity
I'm getting so tired of faking now

And dude it is SO exhausting, especially when you realize that no matter how hard you try you will never get everyone to like you. Expectations can only be so high before they become unrealistic. I don’t know about you but I’m so tired of trying to be perfect and not being perfect. Then hating myself for not being perfect. It truly is insanity.

Chorus continued:
It's all so much that I can't breathe
There must be something wrong with me
Reality is killing me
It's giving me anxiety

This is how I felt in April and May, the anxiety was killing me. In Inside Out 2, all Anxiety wanted to do was set Riley up for success. There’s a part near the end where she was like “What’s the worst that could happen? Well, I’m so glad you asked Joy…insert chain of catastrophes….. and then we die!” I was talking to my new psychiatrist today because I have an irrational fear of being poisoned (that wasn’t the reason I went it just came up when she asked me if I was paranoid), and you know what she told me? Well, it never hurts to be cautious as long as it’s not affecting your health or daily life. For the first time in forever, someone told me that my anxiety was good.

Anxiety, anxiety
(Get away, get away, get away, get away, get away from me)
Anxiety, anxiety

I’m not sure if he’s telling the anxiety to get away from him, or if he has social anxiety specifically so he’s telling people to get away from him. It’s very vague. Let me know your thoughts in the comments.

I try to run, gotta separate
It's everywhere, it's all around me

There are lots of things to be anxious about and after watching that movie and talking with my psychiatrist I realized Anxiety isn’t bad. It’s a good thing to a certain extent. The problem is when you let anxiety take over, which is exactly what happened to Riley in the movie. I think instead of getting rid of anxiety I just need to not let it control me. As my psychiatrist said, it’s good to be cautious. For example, if a stranger asks to meet you at a deserted location where no one would hear you scream, it’s your anxiety that’s gonna say, “You know what that sounds like a bad idea that could potentially end in death so I think we should pass”.

I try to sleep but I'm wide awake
'Cause every dream is filled with envy
[Insert Pre-Chorus and Chorus]

What’s hysterical is that Envy is another new emotion introduced inside out too. I spent so much time wishing I could be as successful as someone else, instead of figuring out what I could do to get there myself. I suppose envy isn’t bad either until it starts to lead to resentment and self-hatred. It reminds me of Ted Lasso when Kealy is asking which you would rather be, a panda or a lion. Then they ask Jamie and he says, “Coach I’m me, why would I want to be anything else” and Ted responds with, “I don’t think you realize how psychologically healthy that really is.” Oh, to have his confidence.

Anxiety, anxiety
(Get away, get away, get away, get away, get away from me)
Anxiety, anxiety
Turn everything, everything off Don't ever, don't ever look back[x2]
Let's turn everything, everything off Don't ever, don't ever look back[x2]
'Cause it all just brings me down
[Insert Chorus]

Do you ever wish you could turn your mind off? That sounds lovely. And never look back? Yes, please!!! Because it does, it all just brings me down. Agonizing over past events that I have no control of anymore, and constantly thinking about what I need to do to be better. I got this book that’s supposed to help with self-love and stuff, and since starting it there’s one phrase I’ve written a few times and need to keep reminding myself. “My worth has nothing to do with my accomplishments or lack of. I don’t need to do anything to be worthy of love and kindness.” I’m not sure how long I’ll have to keep telling myself that before I really and truly believe it, but I’m getting there. Slowly but surely.

Get away, get away, get away, get away, get away from me
Anxiety, anxiety
[x2]

At the end of Inside Out 2 when Anxiety is catastrophizing. Joy tells her “But none of that is going to happen today, is it?” Then she walks Anxiety over to her special chair and gives her some anxie-tea to drink (get it? Because it’s tea), and once Anxiety is calm and comfy they go back to what they were doing. I think my anxiety could use a comfy chair and tea to chill when it’s no longer helpful, alas it’s not that easy. I just have to ask myself when I’m feeling anxious if my anxiety is helping me or hurting me. If it’s not being helpful and only bringing me down maybe I can try to rationalize the situation that I’m worried about.

Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed today’s post, and if you haven’t seen Inside Out 2 yet, you got to go see it! I’ll see you next week for part 3, so please look forward to it. Always remember I’m cheering for you, and whatever it is that life throws at you you’ll be okay. Have a great week!

Sincerely,
LIBD

#Music Monday (Way Less Sad by AJR)

Posted on by LIBD

Hey y’all! I hope you are doing well. I can’t believe it’s July and I haven’t fallen behind in my posting schedule. Darn, I bet I just jinxed myself, thanks a lot, guys!! It’s not like there’s a backspace button or anything where I could just delete what I wrote and not jinx myself…. In a perfect world. Anyway, enough chitter chatter, let’s dive right in. You all read the title, right? I don’t have to do a fancy introduction. Y’all know what you’re reading, and if you don’t; Well, the fun is in the mystery. Let’s do this!!

I should move 'cause New York is gettin' muddy out
There's L.A. but it's always kinda sunny out

I keep saying I’m going to move to Arizona, but I hate moving. Also, I’ve discovered I’m one of those people who’s just never satisfied. 70 and Sunny is my ideal day. 60-70 is my ideal temperature zone for me to not complain. But I don’t like it super sunny either so I’ve just accepted wherever I want to move to, I would still complain. That’s just the kind of person I am

And I don't wanna hurt no more
So I set my bar real low

This is my secret to life. I’ve said before when I went to see Cats the Musical, my bar was set so low that even an ant couldn’t crawl under it. Because of that, I think I enjoyed the movie more than anyone else on earth. It was not nearly as horrible as I was expecting. They took a musical with no plot and made it into a movie that kind of had a plot and only changed the songs a bit. I still think they butchered Mungojerry and Rumpletezer’s song, but that’s not why we are here today.

[Pre-Chorus]
I'm a-okay, I'm a-okay 
You say it but you just don't mean it
You're so insane, you're so insane 
Shut up and just enjoy this feelin'

I’m not okay in the way most people mean when they say that, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I still have moments throughout the day that I enjoy. Right now I’m dealing with rotator cuff tendonitis which really sucks. I’d be more mad, but after 15 years I finally figured out what’s wrong with my arm so yay me!!!! I never say I’m good. I usually just say pretty good and sometimes I mean it, but feeling okay, like genuinely okay, is pretty fantastic.

[Chorus]
Don't you love it, don't you love it?
No, I ain't happy yet
But I'm way less sad
Don't you love it, don't you love it?
No, I ain't happy yet
But I'm way less sad

And you know what, I am WAY less sad than I used to be and I do love it. It’s quite refreshing. It feels good to wake up in the morning and not have any major catastrophes or crisis to deal with. Which is great since sometimes just dealing with my day can be a chore. You can’t always be happy though, so I have no problem settling with way less sad.

I wake up and I'm not so mad at Twitter now

The only way to not be mad at Twitter is to not be on Twitter, but maybe that was his strategy. Let me let you in on a secret… Twitter is stupid and pointless. If you want to stay in touch with someone, use Facebook. If you want a sense of community with random strangers, go join Reddit. The only thing people use Twitter for is to go pick fights with someone else whose life is so boring they also have nothing better to do than argue with rando’s online. I’m not so mad at Twitter anymore, but that doesn’t mean I hate it any less. Change my mind.

Livin' sucks but it's suckin' just a little now
And I don't wanna cry no more
So I set my bar real low

After 2 months of hell, I feel like anything would feel like a step up but I haven’t cried in like 2 weeks. How awesome is that? Please, hold your applause. You’re too kind, seriously stop clapping. I think I might start raising my bar just a bit. Maybe half an inch off the ground? That sounds like a good start, maybe in another week, I’ll raise it to a full inch who knows?

[Insert Pre-Chorus & Chorus]
I may wrong, I may be wrong
It's stupid but it's all I have

Maybe things aren’t actually great like I said in the last paragraph. When your life sucks that much for that long, anything is going to feel like a step up. I don’t care though. It’s stupid but it’s all I have. My counselor had to explain to me that I’m not having tiny manic episodes, I’m just actually happy and that’s a good thing. It feels good.

Don't you love it, don't you love it?
No, I ain't happy yet
But I'm way less sad

Quite frankly I’m not sure why he is asking. I don’t particularly care what you think of me or my feelings. If you are happy just be happy it doesn’t matter if anyone else loves it, I love it!!! Happiness still freaks me out a bit, but I can deal with way less sadness.

Well, I can't fall asleep and I'm losin' my mind
'Cause it's half-past three and my brain's on fire
I've been countin' sheep but the sheep all died
And I'm tryin' too hard but I can't not try

This is the problem with happiness. It always brings its side-kick excitement. I don’t need that when I’m trying to sleep!! How am I supposed to fall asleep if I’m all happy and looking forward to life? I hate how unnatural it feels. For example, I’m trying to fall asleep and it’s 11:30 and I have to work the next day, but all I can think about is how excited I am to open my Etsy shop. I was assured it’s not my bipolar disorder, but real genuine excitement which would be fine at like 3pm when my day starts dragging. Heaven forbid my feelings be convenient.

Well, I can't fall asleep and I'm losin' my mind
'Cause it's half-past three and my brain's on fire
I've been countin' sheep but the sheep all died
And I'm not dead yet, so I guess I'll be alright

That last line has gotten me through some of the worst days. When everything just seems so shitty I remember those words. It’s one thing to be told you’ll be alright, but it’s another thing entirely when I actually feel like I’m going to be alright. Sometimes those tiny little emotions feel more powerful than all the joy in the world.

[Insert Chorus]
I may be wrong, I may be wrong
It's stupid but it's all I have
Don't you love it, don't you love it?
No, I ain't happy yet
But I'm way less sad

I don’t think I’m wrong. Not right now at least. I’m not happy yet, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am way less sad.

Thank you so much for reading, I’ll post the song at the end. I got to see them perform this live along with a bunch of other amazing songs. It was sooooooooo much fun. Singing this song, and hearing it sung live. Not just because I like the songs, but because I truly believed the lyrics……. It’s hard to describe the sense of inner peace it gave me. I would love to see them again one day.

Don’t forget to like and leave a comment. Even if your comment is just that AJR is one of the best groups ever, you wouldn’t be wrong, so I’ll allow it. I hope you guys have a great week this week, and I will see you in 2 weeks with the intro to my new series ‘A Simple Plan for living life’. Get ready for even more music Mondays. I bet you’ll never guess which group it’s featuring…

Sincerely,
LIBD

close up photo of a sand dollar

The Art of Being Human: Finding Freedom in Embracing Imperfections

Posted on by LIBD

Hello world!!! That was too much, wasn’t it? Seriously though, how goes it bro? Do you mind if I call you bro? Maybe I should just stick to y’all. Anyway. I’m slowly learning how to use AI, so my titles don’t sound as ridiculous. I’m still going to have to come up with an alternate title for the table of contents to save space. Honestly, I’m more concerned about this part anyway. I hope your year is going well so far. You’re very quiet. I’ll just skip to the reason we are here.

I’ve been complimented on how open and honest I am about my flaws and shortcomings. I’m always worried that if people discover the real me, they will be disappointed or dislike me. Does it matter? No. But it matters to me. Online, it’s different. You can write or rewrite and have much more control over how others perceive you than you do in real life. A lot of people use this to filter out the bad and only display the best of the best. I object to that, and I’m gonna tell you why.

My main problem is. No one’s life is great all the time. People don’t wake up beautiful or spend their lives on the beach with a halo of sunlight surrounding them. I don’t care who you are that’s not realistic. I find it to be dishonest and misleading. Do you know how annoying it is seeing how happy everyone else is? I’m over here convincing myself to put my computer aside for 5 minutes to do laundry. Let’s see what others are up to on Facebook. Wait here.

I’ve been spending years carefully crafting my Facebook feed, so all I see are cute cats, puns, and lots of pretty horses, and my dad is preparing for a presentation he’s giving about wolves tomorrow. Yesterday however, I saw someone showing off their new horse. So many people with their horses. I see people getting married, and I’m here on my couch. Still not doing my laundry. People are allowed to be happy though, and there’s always people on the other end of the spectrum too. I’m sure you’re familiar with that one person who likes to post vague statuses or constant pity party posts. The kind of person who has probably maxed out their victim card.

Life is hard, you are allowed to be sad, but you don’t have to constantly post about how much it sucks. Just how you should celebrate life’s happy moments. Still, I can only be happy for you for so long before I get annoyed. That’s not their fault though. I recently discovered that I have anger issues. If you are trying to become an influencer though, I think you are doing a disservice to your followers by only letting them see your best moments. I can’t be the only one who was once looking forward to eating a microwave pizza until I dropped it, burnt my finger on the sauce, and started crying.

I think one of the significant causes of depression is that people believe there is this ideal life that is totally attainable. If they aren’t living that life, they think they are doing something wrong. Everyone has cried over pizza at some point in life. It may not have been pizza, but I’m sure you can recall a moment when one small thing was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Part of my problem is I’m not a happy person. I hope one day to be, but that time is not now. You would hardly ever hear from me if I only posted good things. The other reason is that many of my real-life friends read this and know the truth. Even if I could lie to you guys, my friends would know better.

The main reason, though, is that misery loves company. When I feel like shit, I find it very comforting to know that someone else is in the same boat as me. It makes it feel less scary to know that you are not alone in your feelings. No one can understand your exact situation, but it’s nice knowing everyone goes through hard times. I’m honest and open, hoping that someone somewhere will read a post and find comfort in knowing they are not the only ones struggling.

There’s one more reason that I try to be honest and authentic. It’s hard to explain, but let me use something similar. Sometimes, if I do something particularly nice, I’ll ask the person not to tell anyone. I’m not a nice person, but I’m not heartless. Depending on the person or situation, sometimes I’ll help someone out as long as they don’t tell because I can’t have people thinking I’m nice. You see, when you are nice, everyone expects you to be nice to them. When you put your foot in your mouth, you look even worse because you’re supposed to be this lovely person. If people don’t expect much from you, it one; makes it so much more meaningful when you do help. And two, you can do good things without worrying about people expecting it.

Now, I would like to go on record. I’m not hiding anything; I’m genuinely just this bad at cleaning and taking care of myself, but by being real honest, it makes the posts more genuine. When I do write something happy, it means more because I don’t often write happy posts. My good days mean more when I think of the bad days, and my bad days mean less when I think of the REALLY bad days. Judge Judy says it’s easier to tell the truth because you don’t have to think as hard. When you lie, you have to try to remember all the lies, and I can’t be bothered with that.

When you are your authentic self, there’s a feeling of relief. You don’t have to constantly be on guard and make sure that you are only showing your best self. You can just live. And yeah, not everyone will like you, but some will. And the people who do will appreciate you for the real you, and you can just be yourself! You don’t have to do anything. I only know because I tried it in college. I worked so hard to do the right thing and say the right thing to make people like me, and I was miserable. Not only was it exhausting, but the friendship did not last after college. It’s so much easier to just be you.

Thank you for reading; that’s all I’ve got. No magic cure or anything special. I still need to work on being comfortable with my authentic self, but that’s a tale for another day. I’m watching Judge Judy while writing this. I used to watch it almost every day after school. Thanks for making it to the end, and please leave a comment to say hi. Just so I know you’re an actual person and not a robot reading this. I get quite a few robot views, but I want to know how many humans read this. Don’t worry; I would die before I allowed robot tests on my blog. Views are views, and I’m shallow like a kiddie pool. I’ll see y’all in 2 weeks.

high angle shot of a person walking alone in the desert

Dune by Ateez

Posted on by LIBD

When I first heard this song, I was like, “I don’t know what you are so angry about, but I feel it, bro, I feel it.” I finally looked up the lyrics one day and said, “Wow. They really get me.” Ateez is another K-pop group, they have a different style than Oneus but they have a lot of relatable lyrics.

The light in my deserted heart
Reflected in a broken mirror
The desire in my eyes is disappearing
Further and further down

Sometimes, I see the mess in my life, and I just get so frustrated. I don’t have words. I just have lots of feelings that are overwhelming, and then I’ll grab my headphones and put this song on. Perhaps everything is awful, and my life is falling apart. In those moments, it feels so good to be mad.

The pouring rain falls and presses on my head (Presses)
Struggling so hard to get up somehow (use my strength)
I'm suffocating, I can't even count the sacrifices
I'm falling endlessly (I'm still falling down)

Sometimes I dig myself into a hole so deep I wonder if it’s worth the effort to try and get out. Perhaps even my best effort wouldn’t be enough, so it’s so much easier to accept defeat instead of trying to keep fighting to get out. It’s not that I haven’t tried, but how long should I try before it becomes insanity. After all, they say insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result.

[Pre-Chorus] Heaven's door
Is unreachable and getting
further and further away

The more I try, the more I want to give up. At this point, it just feels like a losing battle. I don’t know how it even got to this.

[Chorus] What am I hurt for?
Of countless people, why me?
Who should I blame?
I Still hear it, keep your head down
Oh-oh Breathless here everyday
Oh-oh, I can't escape it

I’ve said before that depression is like sitting in a dark room, having no idea where you are, and waiting for someone to come rescue you….. Except you know that no one is coming. It’s not anyone else’s problem though, so as nice as it would be, how could I blame anyone else. If I know that no one is coming, shouldn’t I just start trying to get out on my own? Am I a crazy person? Well, more so than my usual crazy.

Yeah, yeah
Broken lights, panic (Panic)
Tied up in chains
You could be my doll
Lost in my desire
Pop, pop
Forcefully knocked back in defeat
Into shaking waves down, down
The wind's pressure wraps around

I love it when rappers put English lyrics in their Korean songs. It just doesn’t translate well. It just sounds weird. Setting the first part aside, the second part is pretty accurate. I don’t think I could say it any better myself.

Hey, save me here, help me
Hold my hand, please hold me
Water, the water keeps drying up, I'm thirsty
Even if I scream, it doesn't come out

Depression is surprisingly quiet for such a loud emotion. It seems crazy to be feeling everything I’m feeling and not make a sound. That’s the nice thing about K-pop songs like this. Even without reading the English translation, I can feel the gist of the lyrics just by listening. That’s how it feels when I’m feeling all these things, but I can’t verbalize that madness. It’s okay though; Ateez did it for me.

Into the depths
I'm in danger of disappearing
Can you remember
Will I be able to remember
Even with the shriek of my desperation
[Pre-Chorus & Chorus]

It gets worse when I’m alone, but I think that’s just because that’s when I have time to fix things and don’t. I could clean my room, shower, brush my teeth, fold my clothes, or even wash my face. I don’t, though, and that just makes me madder because then I can’t blame anyone but myself for my misery. Sometimes, I don’t even remember what it was like to feel good. I just can’t even imagine it anymore. I’m so jealous of shower everyday people.

The fingertips of despair tempt me
As if I could run away
Run away, run away, far away
I can't take it anymore

I’m sick of it. I’m sick of feeling like this. I’m sick of not doing anything about it. Running away isn’t an option for me, but I also don’t know how to deal with the situation in front of me. I can’t live in my mom’s basement I don’t want to live in the giant mess. I want to move out and I want to move forward. I had a teacher who use to tell us “This too shall pass, even if you don’t”. It doesn’t apply to every situation, but I still like it.

Mayday, mayday, mayday
Fade out, fade out, fade out
Why are you doing this to me, why
I want to live

What did I do? Am I actually cursed, or am I just ruining my own life with my laziness and negativity? I don’t even like who I am anymore. I wake up in the morning trying to figure out what I can wear to look good enough. Can they notice that I haven’t washed my hair. Then I get to work, and worry if I’m doing a good job. Did I succeed in making myself look presentable. I mean, I was never my biggest fan, but still. I remember a time when I didn’t hate myself. Wouldn’t that be nice?

What am I hurt for?
Of countless people, why me?
Who should I blame?
I Still hear it, keep your head down
Oh-oh
Breathless here everyday
Oh-oh
I can't escape it
Oh-oh, Out of breath here every day
Oh-oh Can't escape

I hate feeling trapped. I finally got my driver’s license, only to find out that I can’t drive away from all my problems. It’s nice to have songs like this that can give the words to say what I can’t. I’ll see you guys next week, and don’t forget to follow me on Instagram for a sneak peek at next week’s song.

Sincerely,
LIBD

person holding brown leaf

Can You Feel the Sun (Missio)

Posted on by LIBD

Hey y’all. It’s been a hot minute, huh. This series is special because it will be all Music Monday posts. Follow @libd_blog on instagram to get a preview of the next song in the series. Alright let’s go.

Below the willow tree
Is where I hide the darkest parts of me
They're hiding underneath
The broken lies that I just still believe

Spoiler alert: I’m not doing so hot. If the 4 or more months of silence since my last post didn’t give it away. I’m starting to feel like my job is just too fancy for me. I’m not even going to get started on the state of my basement. Kota is doing pretty good, so at least someone is, but that someone is not me.

Below the willow tree
Is where I sit and hate on my enemies
I drown 'em in my dreams
I think it's me who needs some humility

I would like to clarify that I do not dream of my enemies. I hardly ever remember dreams in general, and when I do, I try not to think too hard about them. It’s almost always something odd that doesn’t make much sense. Now, hating on my enemies or just having enemies, I’m not going to deny. Being angry at someone else means I’m not angry at myself. At this point, any feeling besides depression is most welcome.

I'm alone here [x4]

I know this is the part where I say something inspiring like, “There are people who care,” “You matter so much,” and “Everything gets better eventually.” I’m not going to say any of that today. Feels kind of like a conspiracy.

Can you feel the sun?
I do, but I can't see it
Can you feel the breeze?
I don't, but I believe it

It’s not that I don’t think it will get better. I have moments where everything is fine. I have moments that remind me of better times in my life. The problem is that there’s a part of my brain that says if it was going to get better, it would have by now. I know there’s hope, but I can’t see it or feel it.

I don't feel safe when I'm not alone
And I know, and I know what you're thinkin'
I like it on my own
But I'll let you in if you say it's okay

So, I’m going to level with you guys in this series. I started rereading A Series of Unfortunate Events, which probably explains how I came up with the title for this series. and I will paraphrase Lemony Snicket for a minute and tell you this… If you are looking for something happy, you should probably stop reading now. I will, however, let you know that at the end of each book, they briefly overcome the madness they experience in their lives. The next book will be a whole other shit show, but just for a brief moment on the very last page, it seems as if, for a moment, it might be okay. Maybe one day it will, but I don’t remember how Book 13 ended, so I guess I’ll find out.

Below the willow tree
I get hung up on my insecurities

The other day, I got scolded for wearing a mask. They didn’t tell me I couldn’t wear it but implied that I didn’t need one if I was not sick. I said it was for my allergies, but in reality, I just couldn’t stand the way my face looked that day. This spiraled into a hate fest on myself for not washing my face or showering semi-regularly. This, in turn, brought me to the conclusion that I am simply an imposter sitting at a desk doing my best to pretend that I belong.

Rose-colored dopamine
My soul feels like it could be make-believe
Below the willow tree
I search to find some sense of identity
This weeping willow tree
Sits in silence, sheds no tear for me

I’ve always said when you work, you aren’t getting paid to have feelings, and you aren’t getting paid to be happy. My job isn’t really even that hard. People always tell me they wish I had my job because it’s so easy. I’ve also had people tell me they don’t know how I survive the 9.5 hours of my shift. Depending on the day, I can see both points of view. Why it matters to me, I have no idea. Why anything matters these days, I couldn’t tell you.

Can you feel the sun?
I do, but I can't see it
Can you feel the breeze?
I don't, but I believe it
I don't feel safe when I'm not alone
And I know, and I know what you're thinkin'
I like it on my own
But I'll let you in if you say it's okay [x2]
I'm alone for sure
I'm lost to the world

I can’t promise this series will be good. It may be absolutely atrocious, like the rest of my life is. In fact, it may just be a 3-part pity party, but even then, I’m inviting all of you. If you chose to read the rest of this, you can’t say I didn’t warn you. I’m starting to make this sound like a Series of Unfortunate Events, but I suppose it is. And I mean that in a totally legal way with no copyright intended or whatever the rules are. He just has such a fantastic way of writing. I know they are sort of kids’ books, but I recommend them to everyone of all ages. (Free publicity. Now you can’t be mad)

Sincerely,
LIBD

#Music Monday (Childhood by The Rose)

Posted on by LIBD

First of all, Happy New Year!!!!!! Secondly… Did anyone appreciate their childhood as much as they should of? I didn’t. I just wanted to grow up as fast as possible, so I could become a famous singer or inspirational speaker. In the last post, there was that quote about a star pocket, and I think a lot of my best memories were not necessarily my childhood but when I was younger, at least, lol

Staying up late at night
Imagining all kinds of settings

I used to imagine I was in Eragon, The Chronicles of Narnia, or the Lord of the Rings, fighting fantastic battles and defeating evil. I’ve always been an introvert. When I was younger, I didn’t have many friends. So, I would imagine myself in my favorite books or movies with my favorite characters going on epic quests across magical lands. Those were the good days. Which is pretty pathetic since it wasn’t real, but that should tell you how exciting my life was.

Dreaming 'bout my life
Everything seemed so possible then

I would watch America’s got talent, and I was sure one day it would be me. I’d sing, shock the entire world with my talent, and become a famous singer. Or an actor. Either would have been fine, haha.

Now I don't even dream
Sick of feeling low again, mhm

After a while, the disappointment weighed me down to the point where I was just like, “That’s it. I’m never going to amount to anything.” That was why I tried so hard to achieve happiness. I figured if I couldn’t reach my actual goals and dreams, then surely happiness was a reasonable goal.

Saying that I'm the one
Thinking the world revolved around me

I thought I was special. Like I was destined for fame and fortune and could change the world. I still forget sometimes that the world doesn’t revolve around me.

Hoping for someone
To come and save me from this story

No one is coming to save me though. This isn’t how my life was supposed to go. I don’t know what I was expecting but definitely not this.

Now I don't even lean
Sick of waiting on my dreams

My dreams are more like just a nice thought now. A fun side story to distract me from all…. everything. I waited long enough for my dreams, but at the same time, what have I got to lose? If my life sucks, I should at least be able to dream that one day it won’t, even if that day never comes.

Don't forget when you were a child
Even when time passes
Let it stay in your mind

My brother once convinced me to eat grass when I was really little. I remember fishing with my grandpa, sparklers, and fireworks on the fourth of July. The sweet feeling that came with summer vacation and those months with no school to worry about. No bills and no job, and I still wasn’t happy. Funny how our perspective changes over time.

Don't live your life like you have a thousand years
Ready for you to waste your time on regrets
Don't you ever
You will never

Even if I can’t follow my dreams, I shouldn’t continue to live in regret like I am now. I don’t have 1000 years. I’ll be lucky if I get 85 more. I’ve wasted enough time, but how do I change it?

Don't forget
The dreams you had on your mind
Don't question yourself anymore
Even if the world pollutes you
Don't let yourself be robbed
Of the pure innocence of childhood

Why do I keep talking about dreams? The theme is youth and Time. As a child, I wasn’t waiting for life to be worth living, I just lived, and it was…. Not horrible. It’s no wonder I’m so miserable when all my focus is on what I think needs to happen instead of just living and making the most of each day.

Don't forget when you were a child
Even when time passes
Let it stay in your mind
Don't live your life like you have a thousand years
Ready for you to waste your time on regrets
Don't you ever
You will never, no

No wonder I feel like I’m running out of time. I’m not living; I’m just waiting for a reason to start living, and I don’t need one. I need to live and focus on being present in each moment to make the most of it and not let time slip past me. I will run out of time if I wait for my life to be complete. Like Oneus says in their song incomplete, “It’s okay even if it’s not perfect.”

Should've never given up
Should've never said "I can't"
Judging me for who I am
Should've never listened, no
Should've followed my own dreams
It's better late than never, yeah, yeah

It’s not too late though; I’ve still got plenty of time. I have to remember that having dreams is never about success vs. failure. It’s about hope. Hope that one day it will be okay. I shouldn’t give up because I have possibilities. I shouldn’t let my current life situation beat me down. Just because it’s a bad day doesn’t mean it’s a bad life. I may not be where I want to be, but I’m here and going to make the most of it.

Don't (Don't) forget when you were a child (Forget when you're a child)
Even when time passes
Let it stay in your mind
Don't live your life like you have a thousand years
Ready for you to waste your time on regrets
Don't you ever
You will never, no

I think that’s why I didn’t worry about whether or not I would amount to anything when I was younger. I had my whole life ahead of me and was busy making the best of my current situation. The only thing that changed was that I gave myself a time limit and expectation, and since I didn’t meet that, I felt like it was meaningless. As I write this, I’m living my dream right now because I’m doing what I love and enjoying it. This chapter of my life may not have been what I was hoping for, but there are many more chapters to come. It’s not what I imagined my life would be at 27, but for a 27th year I’ve never lived before, it wasn’t that bad.

Sincerely,
LIBD

K-Quotes: Cats

Posted on by LIBD

Cats…. Even though they eat the same food, live in the same house, living each day the same, they don’t feel depressed or bored. To them, time is only the current moment. ‘Because I’m 20’ ‘Since I’m 30’ ‘Because soon I’ll be 40’… The only species that confines itself to partitions of time like that is humans. Only humans attack age as a weakness and spend money on it, and it causes them to spend emotions…. 30 years, 40 years, for cats it’s the same thing every day.

Because this is My First Life

This show was super funny. It’s called Because this is my First Life. I can really relate to this though, and when I heard this quote, that was the moment this series was born. I don’t know if I’m the only one who struggles with this or if everyone does, but we don’t talk about it because we can’t do anything about it. It’s a fear that is totally paralyzing sometimes. I wrote about this before, but I feel like no matter what I do, I’m still not…. Succeeding, I guess, but there are many more quotes from the show that we need to discuss too.

The world is not going to get better. That also means my life is not going to get better. I should be living to avoid the worst thing that could happen tomorrow.

I didn’t just love how much I could relate to these characters but also that these were the type of people I would be jealous of. I would see them on social media and wish I had my life together like they did. Yet there they were. One of them is living their dream with the disappointment that it isn’t what she thought it would be like. He had his fancy job and apartment but wasn’t really living. It was crazy to me that someone could have a life like that but feel the same things I was feeling. This brings me to another quote.

It looks like everyone is trying really hard, but no one knows whether they’re getting closer to achieving what they want.

They were indeed trying hard, but that just made it worse because she worked so hard, but it wasn’t what she was expecting. Even though it was her dream, she still wasn’t really happy. I feel that…

I think I’ve already become a failure in this life, but I’ll try my best.

I think that’s the key. Not the being a failure part, but the trying our best part. I think we need to get rid of our expectations of happiness or “success.” That’s what got in the way of their own happiness. They put such high expectations into their ideal lives, and when they finally achieved them, they didn’t feel the excitement and joy they thought they would. I don’t know about you, but I know I’m guilty of thinking I can achieve happiness. We can achieve our goals, but happiness doesn’t need to be achieved. It can happen at any time. The problem is I miss it because I am so focused on what I need to do to be happy that I fail to notice the happiness around me in my current life.

It’s important to take care of your star pocket… Sometimes there are moments that sparkle. Whenever that happens, don’t let it get away. Save them in your star pocket. That way, when things get tough or when you get tired, you can take out a star and find the power to get through it.

What’s in your star pocket? In mine is me and my friend watching parks and rec clips or kpop videos and talking and laughing until my face hurts. Or when I fell off of Sunny and lay in the dirt wondering if that was what it felt like to truly live. Feeding the Giraffes at the zoo. I forget about all these things because I’m so focused on what I think I need to do to feel happy.

It’s not what I imagined my life would be at 30, but for a 30th year I’ve never lived before, it’s not that bad.

Honestly, they’re right. We don’t have an instruction manual or guide about how to do life. Considering I’ve never been 27 before, I think I’m doing okay. It’s not what I thought it’d be, but I don’t know what it should be like either. It’s never happened before. So, let’s try not to be too hard on ourselves. Let’s avoid getting so caught up in this idea of success that we forget what’s happening around us. Let’s learn from our pets and focus on making the most of the current moment. As I said before, those characters were the kind of people I would be jealous of, but they were just as much of a hot mess as me and you. A hot mess with a lovely apartment and a cute cat maybe, but still. I love my basement and have a cute dog, so we are even. I’ll see y’all on Monday!

Sincerely,
LIBD