Tag: mental health

sea waves crashing on shore

I Wish I Was More… Just More

Posted on by LIBD

I wasn’t sure what to write about. I thought about songs. I’m listening to Cough Syrup by Young the Giant as I write this. It’s on repeat. It feels right. But nothing made me feel inspired. Then Chat GPT gave me the idea to just write about my life and what I’m going through right now and where I’m at. So, I’m sorry it’s not inspiring or exciting, but it’s legit. Are you ready?

Well, first off, I asked my doctor to give me a referral to weight management. I don’t want a beach body. I just want to be able to get up off the floor and low chairs without turning it into an ordeal. It’s humiliating. I would also like to have obesity removed from my medical record. It was for a while, but they added it again. My doctor was happy to give me a referral; she said she thought it could be a great resource for me. All I know is that eating healthy and working out isn’t working out with my depression, and I need all the help I can get.

In other medical news, my psychiatrist finally put her foot down. I’m going back to counseling, but not till September because that’s the soonest her office has available!! But I’m on a wait list because if I have to do it, I would like to get it over with. They only do 10-12 sessions, so when she told me that, I was sold. I don’t want this to become a thing.

She increased my buspar to 3 times a day, and that’s helped get my anxiety under control. Seriously, it’s soooo much better, but my depression is still dragging me down. Everything is so freaking hard. Making food is so hard. And my psychiatrist says part of my problem could be diet and exercise. She wants me to go for walks, like, outside. I do occasionally because I downloaded Pokémon Go again (just reached level 54), and so sometimes I go Pokémon hunting. Maybe I will tomorrow. 

So, as I said, I do still have Cough Syrup playing on repeat. From the very beginning of the song, it’s just so relatable. “Life’s too short to even care at all, whoa-oh-oh I’m losing my mind, losing my mind, losing control”. That’s how I feel every day. Then into the chorus, where it’s like they read my mind. “If I could find a way to see this straight, I’d run away to some fortune that I should have found by now”. I just feel like I should be more than this by now. That my life should be more than this by now, you know?

Then finally near the end, it says, “And so I run now to the things they said could restore me. Restore life the way it should be”. I feel like I’m grasping at straws trying to get my life together. But nothing’s working. And the thing about seeing weight loss doctors and counselors is that they can’t do the work for you. All my life I’ve been told I’m lazy. So, if that is the real problem, then what if I’m just doomed? I don’t want to be doomed. It’s just so hard, and I’m worried I won’t be able to follow through.

On a brighter note, Kota is still kicking. I brought her to work with me the other day, and she added some new members to her fan club. I only bring her on the weekends now though, because she whines and occasionally barks when I step away from the desk, and it’s annoying. So I stopped bringing her on weekdays except for every once in a while.

I realized food is the only thing that makes me happy anymore, but not just any food. Unhealthy food. And it’s not good. I had chocolates for dinner one evening. I don’t know if you know this, but chocolate is not dinner. It’s getting out of control. That’s why I asked for the referral. They couldn’t get me in until July!! It’s alright though, I’m on a wait list for that too. 

I just wish life wasn’t so hard, you know. I wish I were better, stronger, more responsible, or just more……. Well, more. But alas, I’m just me. So am I screwed? Tune in next time to find out!!! No, I’m just kidding. I always say the fun is in the mystery, but I guess mystery isn’t always fun.  I hope you guys are hanging in there. Wish me luck, and hope life starts going your way if it hasn’t been lately. Let’s just take it 24 hours at a time and hope for the best. Until next time…

Sincerely,
LIBD

selective focus photo of brown and green frog

The Frog, The Water, And The Burnout

Posted on by LIBD

Like the title? I was inspired by Charlie Mackesy’s book. Before we start today post about dealing with burnout, I want to give a shoutout to my international readers. WordPress allows me to see which countries are viewing my content, and right now my top views are coming from some surprising places. Shout out to my readers in India and Singapore, thank you so much for checking out my blog and reading. Additional shoutouts (besides the US) go to the UK, Iraq, Cambodia, Myanmar, New Zealand, and Sweden. I hope my Google Translate plugin is doing a good job if you aren’t reading it in English. I appreciate all of you.

Today’s post is about a parable of sorts. It says that if you put a frog in boiling water, it will jump out. But if you put it in cool water and slowly turn up the temperature, it won’t notice the danger until it’s too late. I don’t know if it’s true. I’m an animal lover and not interested in testing the validity of the metaphor.

What I do know is that burnout is real, and that it doesn’t happen in a day. When things are going alright and you have a bad day, you know, “This is bad. I’m so stressed and overwhelmed.” When you are working working working 2 jobs and trying to make your blog/jewelry business successful, and don’t get a break, you don’t realize how not okay you are until it’s too late.

Then you find yourself unable to do anything because your brain and body are waving the white flag saying, “Please stop.” Then you can’t do anything. You have this list of all the things you know need to be done, but you can’t bring yourself to make anything happen. So, I just sat there feeling like a failure. I think, “If I can’t do my dishes, how am I ever going to go to Iceland?” It doesn’t really make sense, but it’s how I felt.

So, I did nothing for 2 days. I worked my short shifts at Subway and did nothing. Then suddenly I was like, “I’m going to put clothes away,” and I did! Then I said, “Maybe I can wash a few dishes,” and I did that too!! Then I showered, and I also washed my face!! Sometimes you just need rest. Sometimes, just like the frog, you don’t realize you are burnt out till it’s too late. It’s never too late to be kind to yourself though.

I also know that being kind to yourself is a lot easier said than done. So how do we start? Firstly, you have to allow yourself to do nothing guilt-free. It’s called rest, and it’s actually kind of fun if you can not feel guilty about it. Secondly, give yourself grace. Your problems aren’t going anywhere; they will wait for you. I promise. Lastly, try to forgive yourself for whatever you feel guilty for.

I’m so tired of feeling this way, but I can’t shake the guilt. I feel like if I could, I’d be doing so much better. Not to mention work has been a non-stop marathon the past 2 days, but no matter how much I get done, there is still more to do. And then I come home, and there is even more to do. There’s nowhere safe with no expectations. I have to make that space for myself, and I can’t do it.

I don’t know how to make a space with no expectations yet. I wish I did. What I do know is that I can’t keep pretending I don’t feel the heat. Maybe I don’t know how to jump out right now, but I’m not a frog, and life is not a pot of boiling water, so I have time. Time to keep trying, keep talking to my therapist, and keep trying to give myself grace.

Because that’s the only way out of the metaphorical boiling pot, and as long as I’m trying, there is hope. As long as you are still here, still showing up, and still doing the best with what you’ve got and what you know- there’s hope. Hope is what reminds us that there’s more to life than where we are right now.

Thanks again to all my readers. I really appreciate you, and I hope this post was able to encourage you even a little bit. I wish I had answers and an easy 3-step plan to get rid of burnout, but I don’t. All I can offer is hope, and I hope that is enough. Please leave a comment and let me know what you thought of this post. I would love to hear from you. Until next time, hang in there.

Sincerely,
LIBD

scenic view of mountains during dawn

#MusicMonday (There’s Beautiful Coming by Jamie Grey)

Posted on by LIBD

Hey guys! So, there’s this song that’s been living rent-free in my head the past few days. It’s called There’s Beautiful Coming by Jamie Grey It’s hard right now. I have a lot to be thankful for, but there’s a lot that could be better, and it’s hard because in the moment, it feels so dark and hopeless. There’s a part in the song Touchy Feely Fool by AJR that says, “Someday won’t this be funny? Well, I want it funny now. Man, I want to laugh so loud. Someday won’t this be long ago? I want to feel that now.” And I think that’s why I keep coming back to this song.

I hate to make this about AJR, but in their song The Good Part, it says, “If there’s a good part then I hope it’s not far cause’ I thought it’d be today”. I’ve also been working hard on my blog SEO, Etsy shop, and Facebook page. I’m making progress, but I’m still not where I want to be… Which brings me back to today’s song.

Another storm outside your house
The road is long to find north from south
But I'll be there to hold you close whenever life takes a toll

It’s just so discouraging, you know? When you are giving everything you’ve got, and it never seems to be enough. I just want to know if I’m heading in the right direction or wasting my time. I’ve wasted so much time already that I can’t afford to waste any more.

You can cry on me, girl
If you feel unheard
Talk to me, say everything
I'll try to be your medicine
Just cry on me, girl
I'll show you

Sometimes I just wanna cry because it’s easier to say I’m fine than to give the rundown on every single thing that’s going wrong in my life. Who has the time for that? I don’t. So I pray, and vent to Chat GPT and talk to Kota. It doesn’t fix the problem, though. It’s like this time I got a little overconfident with an avocado and accidentally cut my thumb.

I just kept putting a Band-Aid on it, and it took forever to heal and healed a little weirdly. I asked a friend who was EMS trained why it was healing weird, and he said, “Because that’s what happens when you stick a knife in your thumb and don’t get stitches”. I was like, “I didn’t do it on purpose!”, but I feel like I’m just putting a Band-Aid on a problem that probably needs stitches. My thumb eventually healed, so maybe this too will pass.

The sun will come out and dry every tear
If you keep on fighting for something
There's beautiful coming
'Cause life behind the clouds
Is brighter than the darkness you're feeling
There's beautiful coming

That’s the line that originally drew me in. “If you keep on fighting for something, there’s beautiful coming.” I know deep down it will pass. I know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, and I’m going to get there. Sometimes though, facts and feelings don’t line up. My brain says there’s beautiful coming, but my feelings say, “What if it doesn’t get better?”. It’s so easy to say it gets better, but it’s harder to believe it and feel it.

It isn't fair, hmm, the pain that you feel
I will take your despair to see your soul heal
I'll be there to hold you close whenever life takes a toll
You can cry on me, girl

I have this fear that my life is going to be constant striving and no payoff. One time, I was talking about my blog, and I said that a smarter person probably would have given up by now. Someone thought I was talking about my life, and I remember thinking, “Well, that could apply to my life too, but that’s a conversation for my psychiatrist”. Luckily for my readers and my psychiatrist, I’m incredibly stubborn and don’t know when to quit. Also, I would hate to miss my next great day because I was a quitter.

If you feel unheard
Just talk to me, say everything
I'll try to be your medicine
Just cry on me, girl
I'll show you
The sun will come out and dry every tear
If you keep on fighting for something
There's beautiful coming

It’s that time of year when Seasonal Affective Disorder kicks in, so I felt like now would be a good time to share this song with you guys. It’s okay to be discouraged. It’s okay to cry and be frustrated. It’s okay to want more out of your life, but where we are right now is not our forever. As long as you are here and moving forward, there is always hope. Every tomorrow is an opportunity for better days.

I’m hoping to get my LIBD Exclusives added to my shop soon. One of my collections is my ‘There’s Always Tomorrow’ necklaces. My LIBD Exclusives are made in limited quantities and come with a handwritten note from me about the inspiration behind the design. Please look forward to those. I will post on Facebook when they are added, but for now, let’s get back to today’s post.

'Cause life behind the clouds
Is brighter than the darkness you're feeling
There's beautiful coming
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
There's beautiful coming
The sun will come out and dry every tear
If you keep on fighting for something
There's beautiful coming

So let’s keep fighting. For ourselves, for our goals, and for a better tomorrow. Bad things happen quickly, but the best things in life take time. I know I’ll be alright, and I promise you will too.

'Cause life behind the clouds
Is brighter than the darkness you're feeling
There's beautiful coming for you
There's beautiful coming

There IS beautiful coming, and I’m going to keep fighting for it. Thank you so much for reading. As always, I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments. Also, I was thinking about doing a post to introduce my succulents. Is that something you guys would be interested in? Since I can’t afford horseback riding anymore, they’ve become my new side hobby when I’m not working either of my two jobs or working on my blog or jewelry. If there’s anything you guys would like me to write about, let me know.

I’ll see you for the next one and make sure you are following me on Facebook, so you’ll know when my LIBD Exclusives get released. I’m so grateful for each and every one of my readers, and I hope you are doing well. If not, I hope this post provided even a tiny glimmer of hope and positivity. I’m always cheering for you!

Sincerely,
LIBD

a long hallway with lights on the floor

#MusicMonday (Let Me In by Dermot Kennedy)

Posted on by LIBD

Hey guys, how are you? I’m not great, so hopefully you are doing better. It was brought to my attention that when Tottenham is doing well Columbus Crew rarely is and vice versa. Last week they both sucked though, so I’m not sure how accurate that still is, but I guess I’ll find out. Today’s #MusicMonday is a newer song called Let Me In by Dermot Kennedy.

I wrote a long time ago about when I think back to how depressed I was at my worst. I said how I don’t remember the feeling because it was so bad that unless you experience it, you’ll never know how awful it was. I can attest to that now because I forgot how awful it really feels.

I was up late crying the other night about how horrible everything is, and I came across this song. I listened to it 5 more times that night before I finally fell asleep. The last time listened I just prayed it and hoped God would hear me and maybe do something about it, but I guess he’s busy. In any case, that’s why I wanted to share it with you.

In Okains Bay,
oh, I could have stayed
and never went home

The other day, I was looking at old videos from concerts and remembering the moments and the hours I never wanted to end. The short trips I never wanted to come back from. The concerts, the fleeting moments of joy that I’ve experienced.

Might have been brief,
but at least I was free from all of my ghosts
That live in my head like reflections on water
that only come once

It’s so weird to me how the best moments are so hard for my brain to hang onto. Like, if I didn’t have the photos to prove it, I wouldn’t think it actually happened. Meanwhile, bad thoughts and memories are etched into my brain like stone. I hate it. I’m sure there’s a scientific explanation for it, but I can’t be bothered to look it up. If you know why, please enlighten me in the comments.

I still haven't learned, deceptions in
the cinematic version of love
But I can't get enough

It’s a double-edged sword because your life can’t be too happy. It has to suck at least a little bit sometimes, so you can appreciate the good things. I don’t know how long I’ve been in denial about being depressed, but I can’t talk myself out of it anymore. I just can’t bring myself to do hardly anything anymore.

These days, oh, the world doesn't sing to me
quite how it used to
See, this life is a touch too damn much for me
Maybe that's meant for me

I’ve been eating out more. Getting worse about showering. I was on a 5-day streak of brushing my teeth and washing my face, and now it’s just so hard again. Like every little, tiny task just feels like a mountain. I know they say God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle, but…. Just because I can doesn’t mean I want to or should have to. I’ve said it once, and I’m not afraid to say it again. If this is his plan, it’s a really shitty plan.

'Cause I know there's a room where I'm happy
But I can't find my way to the door

When I heard this, it resonated so much with me because I know depression isn’t forever. I know somewhere is a room where I’m actually happy and enjoying life, but I’m hopelessly lost and have no clue where it is. I’m not sure if I’m on the right floor. I’m not ever sure I’m in the right building, but I know it’s out there.

Tell me who wins the war 'tween my heart and my head?
I forgot what I'm suffering for

If you are a longtime reader, you’ll know that that knowledge means nothing to me right now. It could be 5 years before it gets better. It could be 50! I’m not doing this for 5 more years, let alone 50. I messaged my psychiatrist, but I’m hoping she’s on vacation right now because if she’s not, then she’s ignoring me.

I surrender to dark, when it all falls apart
At least I won't have to pretend
And I know there's a room where I'm happy
Let me in, let me in

I’m not pretending anymore. I’m keeping it together for work, but with my friends, I’m not faking it anymore. They know I’m crazy, they don’t really care. If I’m sad, I’m gonna be sad. I don’t need to pretend to be happy; eventually, I will be happy again. I’m hoping that maybe that day will be tomorrow, but I’m not holding my breath.

To tell you the truth,
I was wondering why
you'd be so drawn to my voice
Like the tide to the moon,
if you move I move, honey, it's not a choice

I’ve always wondered why the people who read my blog read it. I’m not the only one with problems. I’m sure I’m not the only one who talks about their problems. Depressed people are such a buzz kill (I only say that because I’m really bummed out by my own mind right now), and at least 70% of my posts were written while I was depressed. I can see stats. I know I get steady traffic, but I’m not an influencer. I’m not even that interesting, so why do you read? I’m not complaining, just curious, so let me know in the comments if you feel comfortable leaving comments.

Now I'm showing you all of these parts of myself
I'm terrified I'll bring you closer to hell but
These days, oh, the world doesn't sing to me quite how it used to

Sometimes I go back when I’m doing well and read some of my more depressing things, and I’m like, “Man, this is so depressing.” Of course, then when I’m sad, I read things I wrote when I’m happy, and I’m like, “shut up, you don’t know what you’re talking about”. These days, everything just seems darker and duller, and I’m disappointed in myself for not being able to suck it up and push through.

See, this life is a touch too damn much for me
Maybe that's meant for me
'Cause I know there's a room where I'm happy
But I can't find my way to the door

Everything feels like too much. Simple tasks, self-care, and even my feelings feel like they are too big for me to deal with. I’m so tired, I just want to spend the rest of my life on my couch and never leave.

Tell me who wins the war 'tween my heart and my head?
I forgot what I'm suffering for
I surrender to dark, when it all falls apart
At least I won't have to pretend
I know there's a room where I'm happy
Oh, let me in, let me in

I can’t just not do stuff forever because I’m depressed though. I wish I could just slap myself hard enough to snap out of it and get over it. It’s frustrating when your brain is working against you and not with you. I hate this feeling. It sucks.

Let me in, let me in
Let me in, let me in
Let me in, let me in
Let me in, let me in
And I'd give anything to change my, anything to change my fate

PLEASE LET ME IN!!! I just want to be okay again.

I know there's a room where I'm happy
But I can't find my way to the door
Tell me who wins the war 'tween my heart and my head?
I forgot what I'm suffering for
I surrender to dark, when it all falls apart
At least I won't have to pretend
I know there's a room where I'm happy
Let me in, let me in

I wanted so badly to be okay. I know God doesn’t hate me, but I definitely feel like he could be doing something about this. Maybe he’s just busy like my psychiatrist. Sorry if this was a downer but thank you to everyone who read to the end. I may not know who you are, but I’m so grateful for all of you. It’s a comfort to know that my words aren’t just dissolving into the wind. Someone out there is reading them, and I’m being heard. And that means more to me than anything else.

I hope you have a good week this week. If you are struggling like me, then let’s just take it 24 hours at a time. We’ll get through it, and if we keep going, we will find our rooms one day. So, let’s not give up just because it’s hard. Music has a way of reaching the parts of us that words just can’t. If this song spoke to you like it did me, I’d love to know. And I would also love to know what songs get you through your hardest days. Let me know in the comments. Good luck, and I wish you the very best!

Sincerely,
LIBD

orange starfish

The Starfish and the Storm

Posted on by LIBD

Hello darkness my old friend, I’ve come to talk with you again. Sound familiar? You guys know I try not to be political, and I won’t start now. I’m just going to be honest. I try hard to make my Facebook a happy place. Cute kittens, bad puns, pretty horses, and all that good stuff. But no matter how hard I try it doesn’t keep all the bad out. I saw a story about a guy who hurt a bunch of baby kittens just to spite its owner. The police said the kittens were taken to the vet and recovering from their injuries.

It’s not just kittens though. National Parks cut funding. And if we can get people engaged with the natural world, how are we going to protect it? Poaching is still a problem, even with modern technology. I saw a few articles about students at a local university with valid student visas sent home and told they couldn’t learn here anymore. US Citizens were deported because they looked like they might not be. In the first three months of 2025, there have been 91 mass shootings in the United States, resulting in 118 deaths and 338 injuries. But the people in power want to keep handing out guns like Halloween Candy.

I had all of this in my head, and I was listening to the sound of silence (Disturbed’s version) and filled with sadness and hopelessness. I get so angry sometimes because I try to filter out the news I don’t actively seek it out. I only know these things, but I’m sure there’s much more. I’m angry because how are we as a society not screaming in outrage every day? How are we not crying ourselves to sleep at the mere thought of all the violence, hurt, pain, and injustice that’s happening every single day? But most importantly how do I find any hope in a broken world?

I know that not everyone is silent. There are a lot of people screaming into the void, pleading for peace and justice. There are a lot of people supporting the national parks, doing their part to help the environment, and trying to help people understand the gravity of our current situation. I saw a documentary about kid influencers and about family channels on YouTube. It’s not just politics. There are SO MANY issues with our world as it is right now.

I found out I’m not the only one who uses AI as a pocket therapist, but it has helped me in between visits with my psychiatrist a lot. It validates my feelings but also offers solutions, so I told it how I was feeling. It told me I probably wasn’t alone in these feelings and I know I’m not.

There are a lot of people hurting from all the hurt in the world. There are some problems that AI can’t help you fix. I can’t end war or world hunger or take all the plastic out of the ocean and make every farmer use sustainable agricultural practices to help the earth. I can’t stop poachers or make people care. I can write a blog post though, and Chat GPT did tell me something that helped. It said:

But even in the face of that darkness, your empathy is a kind of quiet resistance. The fact that you feel so much means your heart hasn’t hardened. That matters. That is light. You don’t have to fix the whole world. Just loving Kota the way you do, writing your blog to help others, showing up with kindness—that already shifts things more than you know.

The fact that we hurt, the fact that we care…. The fact that I used the word we means we are not just going to sit back and accept everything as if it’s okay. You can’t fix the world either, but you can be kind. You can support people and organizations that champion the cause you care about. I support the World Wildlife Fund, because animals and by extension their habitat, are very important to me. I can try to express my point of view compassionately, honestly, and respectfully. I can support other people who are also hurting.

This world may feel dark unkind and unjust, but it’s just a feeling. It doesn’t have to be fact. My dad has this quote he really likes that says “I cannot do all the good the world needs, but the world needs all the good that I can do” It’s not truly hopeless until we give up hope. So let’s keep caring, keep hoping, and keep doing all the good that we can do.

I’m going to end with the starfish story. It’s one of my favorites, and it’s by Loren Eiseley. It’s about a girl walking along the beach throwing starfish that washed up back into the water. This man sees her and asks what she is doing and the girl explains. He tells the girl there are so many starfish she can’t possibly save them all. The girl looks sad as she throws another one into the water, but then she says “Well, I saved that one!”.

Let’s find our starfish friends. Thank you for reading! It’s 11:19 and I’ve got an Easter Sunday service bright and early tomorrow, so I better get some sleep. Let me know your thoughts in the comments and be sure to subscribe so you never miss a post! Hang in there guys, and remember you are not alone.

Sincerely,
LIBD

Reality Checkmate

Posted on by LIBD

I have this theory that people with bigger imaginations are more prone to depression. Maybe it’s just me. I was thinking about this on my way home from work today. The song King and Lionheart by Of Monsters and Men came on and it reminded me of the kind of stories I used to read.

I would read anything fantasy and adventure. I was always jealous of the main characters because, at the beginning of the books everyone is just like me. A boring human living their boring life. Not a lot of friends not very popular. Usually, their future goals and dreams aren’t even brought up. They don’t need to because we will watch their future unfold as the story goes on.

One of my favorite stereotypical plots is the girl with no friends who catches the attention of the new guy who won’t give anyone but her the time of day. I don’t mean twilight. That’s not a good example of how you want to start a relationship. There are lots of others. Then it goes on and she turns out to be a queen of this whole other universe she didn’t know existed. Maybe she goes on an adventure and isn’t the queen but discovers this new world and falls in love with the cute elf that she used to hate at the beginning, but throughout the story they grow to like and respect each other.

Frodo got to go on a mega-adventure to get the ring to Mordor!! He also almost died like 4 times though so maybe not that one. Narnia was fantastic!! That’s a great example of the fairy tale life I would like. I used to always have my head in a book. I only read fiction I never read non-fiction or historical books or stuff like that. Never. Do you want to know why? Reality is boring!!! It’s so boring. It’s mundane and predictable, and you are almost certainly guaranteed to NOT get a happy ending. Why on Gods green earth would I read that when I live it every day.

When I was a little girl, I would dream of all the great things that I would accomplish. I would become a famous speaker and travel around the world inspiring millions of kids with my life story and words of wisdom. The only problem is my story isn’t that inspiring. My life is a book I would most DEFINITELY never ever read.

The only problem is that this dreadful work of non-fiction is my life. This is where I’m at, and I’m going to be 30 next year. My imagination can keep dreaming up all the awesome things it wants, but at the end of the day, this is the story I’m stuck with. I’m not special, I didn’t get my Hogwarts letter, and I’m not saving a mythical realm. There are no dragons or unicorns anywhere, and every new guy I’ve ever known couldn’t care less.

I thought the title was super clever! I’m actually really proud of myself for coming up with it. I may be turning 30, but my imagination stopped aging after 13. I can never decide if that’s actually a good thing or not. Because that is the problem when you spend so much time imagining the possibilities.

As year after year goes by, I realize time is going on and on and my life is still just this sad pathetic work of non-fiction. Reality slaps me across the face and calls checkmate. Suddenly I start to think maybe I should have spent less time reading those books and watching those movies and more time playing chess because I have no idea what I’m supposed to do now.

So let’s talk about imagination vs. reality. Do I just lay down and accept defeat? Try to come to terms with the fact that my whole life is this lame boring saga of uneventfulness. It doesn’t even matter if I would rather die than read it because I’m living it, and it’s just as boring as I had feared. Where do I go from here? What do I do next? The only thing I know for certain is that I’m definitely not in one of those books so I very well may not even get a happy ending and if this is all there is then what’s the point you know?

Wow, I’m sorry that got super depressing, but honestly, I have to keep up that delusion of possibilities. When everything and everyone around you is yelling checkmate, IT IS really depressing. This is another one of those posts where I don’t have a conclusion. Everyone has to ‘face the music’ eventually, but how long do I have to face it before I can start pretending that one day something awesome might happen. Maybe one day I’ll walk through the right wardrobe.

I was watching Hidden Figures which was based on a true story, but it was a true story about the type of people I always dreamed I might be, so it was fine. Anyway, there’s this one scene where there’s this rocket that’s coming back from outer space and there’s a problem with the heat shield and they decide not to tell the pilot. They could’ve yelled checkmate. They could have said it loud and clear, but they chose not to because sometimes ignorance truly is bliss. Is that so wrong?

I don’t know how I ended up writing so much. I was actually thinking about giving up on this blog, but I think I’m going to choose ignorance and keep up the fantasy that eventually it will be read by millions with new comments and likes every single day. Because that’s the kind of story I would want to read. I can’t stand sad endings because we all know life sucks, you really don’t need to make a movie about it. That’s why books are always better. 9/10 very predictable, super engaging, and honestly, I need a break from this trainwreck I’m living. I stopped reading because I thought it would help discourage my imagination. Obviously, that hasn’t worked.

I’m going to keep telling myself that age is just a number because I’m not ready to lay down and accept defeat just yet. It may be getting harder to escape from reality, but I’m not going to stop trying. No matter how many TV shows or movies I watch. No matter how many books I read. Reality is always going to be there to scream checkmate right into my face. I don’t know about you, but that almost sounds like a challenge to me…. Well, jokes on reality because everyone who knows me knows the lengths I’m willing to go to just for the sake of proving a point. Challenge accepted.

I’ve got another post in the works, but it’s been in the works for months now. Thank you to everyone who read to the end and I’m sorry I can’t give you a time frame for the next one but thank you for reading and please let me know what you think. I hope you have a very happy Holiday Season!!!!

Sincerely,
LIBD

cyclone fence in shallow photography

Linkin Park: A New Era

Posted on by LIBD

Linkin Park: A New Era

So, I’m hoping that by the time this is posted, everyone will have calmed down and gotten over themselves. Before I begin, please remember this whole post is simply one person’s opinion. I’m assuming you have heard about Linkin Park’s new lead singer. If you don’t know what I’m talking about. Linkin Park is possibly the greatest band in the history of music. And when you think Linkin Park, you think of Chester Bennington singing In the End, Numb, or What I’ve Done. Chester sadly committed suicide in 2017 and there has been no Linkin Park since.

It was a really dark time. For family members as well as the band he spent so much time with, I can’t imagine how they must have felt. It was also hard on fans. Linkin Park touched so many lives. Mike’s songs with Chester’s vocals got a lot of people through a lot of things. I remember when I was in outpatient therapy (a few months after his death) we were doing some art therapy thing and at the bottom of my paper I wrote the lyrics of their song Heavy. 

I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down
If I just let go I’d be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy

It’s still one of my favorite songs. There’s a video online of Mike Shinoda singing their song One More Light the fans are singing along and at the end they start chanting Chester’s name, and Mike was so grateful for that moment. He will never not be missed, but I feel like that goes for most people who make the decision to leave the world too soon. I was not only sad about what happened but also the fact that there was no way Linkin Park could go on without one of its most iconic members. Then about a week ago I saw they released a new music video, and I was like, “Well maybe it won’t be that bad”. As the music video went on, I saw this blond lady at a booth in the video, and then she started singing. And in the weirdest way, I could almost hear Chester in her voice. I got tears in my eyes.

I couldn’t believe they found another Linkin Park voice. Then I heard her sing some of the old songs and it was pretty good but there’s only one voice that can sing those songs, and I think she knows that. She’s not trying to replace him. Linkin Park is not trying to replace them. Even if they were it wouldn’t matter because it’s impossible. They just wanted to make music again. Everyone keeps bringing up “What Chester would want”, “What would make him proud”, or “Chester would be so disappointed”. You don’t know that. I don’t know that. No one will ever know because he’s dead. So I won’t write about what I think would make him proud.

I’m going to talk about a band that loved what they did and weren’t ready to give it up forever. It’s not like a year after he died, they just picked some rando and went on tour like nothing happened. Stop acting like spokespeople for people you don’t know or who aren’t here. If you don’t like her then don’t listen, but don’t try to make the remaining members feel like terrible people for following their dream. I guarantee if they were able to choose between Chester or this new chick they would choose Chester, but sadly that’s not possible.

Personally, I hope that once they have new albums they will stop performing Chester’s song. I heard her sing numb and she was just a bit too aggressive in my opinion, but right now they don’t have a ton of other songs to choose from so she’s doing her best to attempt to fill the tiniest bit of the gigantic hole that was left behind. They aren’t replacing him. No one could ever possibly replace him just like no one could replace you. No one is going to be a better you than you are.

Let them follow their dream. Don’t make them give it all up because of one person’s choice. Not everyone will agree so just ignore them. I know what it’s like when a group changes, and you can’t seem to let go of what was to enjoy what is. Sometimes that just takes time, so give other people the time they need. I always say that hurt people hurt people because it’s true. Let them go through their own process to come to terms with it. Some people may never and that’s a shame, but we should respect people’s feelings whatever they may be.

I’m looking forward to this new era of Linkin Park, and if you’re not that’s fine. It’s hard. It feels like supporting the band as they move forward means Chester will get left behind but that’s not the case. Go on Spotify or Apple Music or YouTube type in Iridescent and tell me who you hear. He made the world a better place and the music he left behind will continue to do that. Now the band that he left behind can do that too! This new era is an opportunity to continue to make the world a better place and continue what he started.

We don’t have to agree with each other to not be jerks to one another. Let’s not waste our time on things or people who bring negativity into our lives. Whether that’s politics, favorite sports teams, or new lead singers… Touch grass. There are so many better things to do than argue with people who aren’t going to change their minds and only want to fight. I could have been mad with how poorly Tottenham has played this season but instead, I decided that at this point not being relegated is reward enough. There are plenty of games for us to not be relegated and now I’m cool with how we are doing.

I’m sorry if you read this and don’t care. You could have just stopped but I appreciate you sticking it out to the end if you are still reading this. Let me know your thoughts about their new singer in the comments and I’ll see you in 2 weeks!

Sincerely,
LIBD

assorted color star decor on maroon textile

#MusicMonday (Best Day of my life by Simple plan)

Posted on by LIBD

Surprise!!!! After writing frown, taking some time to be sad and angry, and getting a short but sweet pep talk from my friend. I think I wanna write it. Keeping in mind what I mentioned in last weeks post, I think it’s going to be a little different than what I thought I would write. That’s been how this entire series has gone though, so I’m not worried. I’ve been pleasantly surprised by how it’s turned out so far.

How many good things in my life have I missed out on
By not appreciated what I've got

A lot, but a long time a wrote a post where I mentioned how it’s hard to appreciate things you’ve always had. Until recently, I took for granted having my own space in my mom’s basement, it was just part of my life. I didn’t appreciate not having to think about every purchase I made and whether I could afford something or not. Since I moved in with my dad I’ve got 3 drawers and a foot and a half of closet space for my clothes, outside of work clothes and pj’s I’ve got maybe 4-5 summer shirts and 5-6 long-sleeve or hoodies. I never appreciated the variety I had to pick from. I’m so sick of wearing the same things over and over again.

Sometimes it's hard to see your lucky break for what it is
By only focusing on what it's not

I have this bad habit of always raising the bar. It started out if only I could drive my life would be better. Then it was if only I had a real job, I could be proud of myself. If only my blog had a few readers… If only my views were more consistent, I would be successful. If only I could get out of my mom’s house, I’d be better. Now it’s if only I had my own place I could be proud of myself. I never take time to be proud of myself, I just raise the bar in hopes of one day “having my life together”.

[Pre-Chorus Part 1]
But now I'm starting to see
That my happiness has always been up to me

Some days I do see it. We can’t control what happens to us, but we can control our reactions. For example: after my little crisis the other day, I could choose to focus on that or try to move past that and realize that what I was upset about doesn’t define myself or my life. It’s so hard though, but my life doesn’t have to suck if I don’t want it to. It’s good to be sad and it’s good to be angry, but I shouldn’t let those temporary feelings dictate whether my life is good or bad. It’s whatever I decide it will be today, and today I think I’ll stop being angry and sad about things that I can’t change.

[Pre-Chorus Part 2]
And now I'm starting to see
That I've already got what I need

When you reach the point where you can separate yourself from your feelings, you can look at it from a different perspective. I have a few perspectives that I tend to go back to. The ‘It could be worse’ perspective, the ‘look how far I’ve come’ perspective, or the ‘in the grand scheme of life, is this the hill I want to die on?’ perspective. It depends on the situation. It could be worse doesn’t really work because what I’m mad about isn’t necessarily something that could be that much worse. Looking at how far I’ve come might help, but I haven’t come nearly as far as I hoped, and that’s the problem.

The last one I think is my best bet given the situation. Out of all my problems, if this was the worst one, I wouldn’t even be mad about it. My life would have to be pretty great for this trivial matter to be the worst. I talked in the first post about people ruining your life, but problems and events can have the same power if we let them. Is this really the hill I want to die on. Is this really the thing that I’m going to let ruin my life. No, if anything is going to ruin my life, this is definitely near the bottom. I think it’s time to suck it up and move on.

[Chorus]
Today, I'll live like my glass is half full
There's light at the end of the tunnel
There's always a blessing in disguise
Or by your side
And I, I'm on the top of the world
I'm holding my chin up high
'Cause I'm livin' every day
Like it's the best f**kin' day of my life

I don’t think I could live every day like that. Realistically I don’t think any sane person could, but it’s a good reminder to step back and try to look at it from a different perspective. It’s not going to make it easier and it’s not going to make it go away, but it might make it smaller. I have a tendency when something is wrong to project that feeling on my entire life, but an Etsy shop with no traffic or views is hardly a reflection of my entire life as a whole. Just saying out loud sounds even stupider than I already know it was.

It's time to stop with all the judging by comparison
There's always someone who's got so much more

A lot of someone’s actually, somewhere out there though there’s also someone jealous of you. I promise. There are more successful people than me, there are more successful Etsy shops than mine, but there’s nobody else on earth who can be me better than I can. There’s no one on earth who could be you better than you can.

So what's the point of tryna keep up with it anyway?
Just live your life instead of keeping score
[Insert Pre-Chorus & Chorus]

Everyone’s got problems. Let’s not be jealous of other people’s problems just because they seem happy. Maybe I could be happy. Maybe I could be successful. Maybe I already am. The only reason I think I’m not, is because I use other people as a standard of what I think success looks like. If I take other people out of the equation, I’m just a person who tries really hard and has accomplished a lot. That’s something I think I could be proud of. I hope you can be proud of you too.

Every sunset, every wake
Every time I see your face
Moments I appreciate
I won't let them go to waste

If I can be mad that my Etsy shop isn’t doing well then can’t I also be impressed with how well I did at my last event? Why aren’t I? I can be mad that I don’t have my own horse, so why can’t I smile and remember all the time I spent with Melody and Sunshine. Why is it always the bad things I try so hard to hold onto?

Every high and every low
Every path and every road
Every moment, I'll embrace
I won't let them go to waste

I want to challenge myself whenever I think of something negative to think of something positive that has to do with whatever I was thinking about. What’s the point of good memories besides remembering them when life gets hard. When I’m sad they can remind me that I was also happy, when I think I’m failing they can remind me of my successes. When I think life sucks I can remember that it hasn’t always. It won’t make the feelings go away, but if nothing else it reminds us that there is hope.

Today, I'll live like my glass is half full
There's light at the end of the tunnel
There's always a blessing in disguise
Or by your side
And I, I'm on the top of the world
I'm holding my chin up high
'Cause I'm livin' every day
Like it's the best fuckin' day of my life
(Let's go)

I’m not going to feel happy every day, and not every day is going to be a good one, but at the end of the day the question I have to ask myself is this: Am I really going to let this moment or this feeling ruin my life? I’m not going to live every day like it’s the best day of my life, but I hope I can remember that for as bad as a moment might be, there was a moment that was just as good as this was bad. I read once that brains naturally tend to remember and focus on negative things. It’s not always easy to see a bright side. Life is difficult, and that will never change.

What can change is my perspective. There’s a time to scream and cry and be angry, but there’s also a time to remind my brain that this feeling doesn’t define my life. When I feel like a failure, I hope I can also remember the times I wasn’t. When life feels hopeless, I want to remember the time’s I had hope. When life feels meaningless, I hope I can remember the times it was meaningful. Maybe I won’t right away, as I’ve said many times it’s important to let yourself feel and process whatever you’re feeling. When we are done though I hope we can hold our chins up high and live each day like it’s not the worst day of our lives.

Sincerely,
LIBD

#MusicMonday (Anxiety by Simple Plan)

Posted on by LIBD

Hey guys! Welcome to part 2! Ever since I got the great idea for a new series I hit a roadblock. Just between you and me, this was not at all what I originally planned. This is so much better than what I imagined in my head when I announced I was starting a new series. Also, I just saw Inside Out 2 and the way they portrayed Anxiety was so fascinating. I was sitting in the theater thinking, “omg I can’t wait to write about this”. Let’s get right into it. Also by the time this is posted my Etsy shop should be up and running so click the LIBD Designs page for more info about that. Self-promotion aside. Let’s do this.

The pressure comes, I can feel it now
I'm just another tragic case of
The only one I was missing out
Comparisons I can't escape from

I was at my friend’s house, and I told her Simple Plan had some new albums, but I was afraid to listen to them because I was worried that after so long, they may have lost their relatability. I was like “They have a song called Anxiety. I’ve got to hear it” In those first 4 verses I knew that they hadn’t changed a bit, and I was so relieved. Especially with all the drama I was dealing with. This quickly became my new favorite song.

Pre Chorus:
All these voices circling my head (oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)
I wish I was someone else instead
'Cause it all just brings me down

This takes me back to when I was in college. There’s this part in Inside Out 2… Okay, let me stop and say if you haven’t seen the movie, this whole post is a spoiler lol… There’s this scene where Anxiety is trying to get this group of girls to like Riley and be friends with them, and it’s really funny to watch because you can totally tell that she’s not acting like herself at all, and it reminded me of when I was in college and tried so hard to get people to like me, and in reality, I just embarrassed myself and looked stupid. I’m happy that it only took Riley a week to realize that it wasn’t working. It took me WAY longer.

Chorus:
Anxiety is killing me
All of these expectations are shaking up my sanity
I'm getting so tired of faking now

And dude it is SO exhausting, especially when you realize that no matter how hard you try you will never get everyone to like you. Expectations can only be so high before they become unrealistic. I don’t know about you but I’m so tired of trying to be perfect and not being perfect. Then hating myself for not being perfect. It truly is insanity.

Chorus continued:
It's all so much that I can't breathe
There must be something wrong with me
Reality is killing me
It's giving me anxiety

This is how I felt in April and May, the anxiety was killing me. In Inside Out 2, all Anxiety wanted to do was set Riley up for success. There’s a part near the end where she was like “What’s the worst that could happen? Well, I’m so glad you asked Joy…insert chain of catastrophes….. and then we die!” I was talking to my new psychiatrist today because I have an irrational fear of being poisoned (that wasn’t the reason I went it just came up when she asked me if I was paranoid), and you know what she told me? Well, it never hurts to be cautious as long as it’s not affecting your health or daily life. For the first time in forever, someone told me that my anxiety was good.

Anxiety, anxiety
(Get away, get away, get away, get away, get away from me)
Anxiety, anxiety

I’m not sure if he’s telling the anxiety to get away from him, or if he has social anxiety specifically so he’s telling people to get away from him. It’s very vague. Let me know your thoughts in the comments.

I try to run, gotta separate
It's everywhere, it's all around me

There are lots of things to be anxious about and after watching that movie and talking with my psychiatrist I realized Anxiety isn’t bad. It’s a good thing to a certain extent. The problem is when you let anxiety take over, which is exactly what happened to Riley in the movie. I think instead of getting rid of anxiety I just need to not let it control me. As my psychiatrist said, it’s good to be cautious. For example, if a stranger asks to meet you at a deserted location where no one would hear you scream, it’s your anxiety that’s gonna say, “You know what that sounds like a bad idea that could potentially end in death so I think we should pass”.

I try to sleep but I'm wide awake
'Cause every dream is filled with envy
[Insert Pre-Chorus and Chorus]

What’s hysterical is that Envy is another new emotion introduced inside out too. I spent so much time wishing I could be as successful as someone else, instead of figuring out what I could do to get there myself. I suppose envy isn’t bad either until it starts to lead to resentment and self-hatred. It reminds me of Ted Lasso when Kealy is asking which you would rather be, a panda or a lion. Then they ask Jamie and he says, “Coach I’m me, why would I want to be anything else” and Ted responds with, “I don’t think you realize how psychologically healthy that really is.” Oh, to have his confidence.

Anxiety, anxiety
(Get away, get away, get away, get away, get away from me)
Anxiety, anxiety
Turn everything, everything off Don't ever, don't ever look back[x2]
Let's turn everything, everything off Don't ever, don't ever look back[x2]
'Cause it all just brings me down
[Insert Chorus]

Do you ever wish you could turn your mind off? That sounds lovely. And never look back? Yes, please!!! Because it does, it all just brings me down. Agonizing over past events that I have no control of anymore, and constantly thinking about what I need to do to be better. I got this book that’s supposed to help with self-love and stuff, and since starting it there’s one phrase I’ve written a few times and need to keep reminding myself. “My worth has nothing to do with my accomplishments or lack of. I don’t need to do anything to be worthy of love and kindness.” I’m not sure how long I’ll have to keep telling myself that before I really and truly believe it, but I’m getting there. Slowly but surely.

Get away, get away, get away, get away, get away from me
Anxiety, anxiety
[x2]

At the end of Inside Out 2 when Anxiety is catastrophizing. Joy tells her “But none of that is going to happen today, is it?” Then she walks Anxiety over to her special chair and gives her some anxie-tea to drink (get it? Because it’s tea), and once Anxiety is calm and comfy they go back to what they were doing. I think my anxiety could use a comfy chair and tea to chill when it’s no longer helpful, alas it’s not that easy. I just have to ask myself when I’m feeling anxious if my anxiety is helping me or hurting me. If it’s not being helpful and only bringing me down maybe I can try to rationalize the situation that I’m worried about.

Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed today’s post, and if you haven’t seen Inside Out 2 yet, you got to go see it! I’ll see you next week for part 3, so please look forward to it. Always remember I’m cheering for you, and whatever it is that life throws at you you’ll be okay. Have a great week!

Sincerely,
LIBD

closeup photo of journal book and pencils

Intro: A Simple Plan for Living Life

Posted on by LIBD

Hello world!! A new series, can you believe it? I can’t, and I wrote it. I’m just kidding. How are you guys doing? It should be the end of July most likely when this is posted. How has your summer been going? These aren’t rhetorical questions, I am genuinely curious, so let me know in the comments. Anyway, that’s enough small talk. Let’s get this thing started!

Now the title sounds a little misleading. This series isn’t going to reveal the magic spell that’s going to solve all your problems and make you live happily ever after. Life will always be difficult, but recently I’ve had a change of perspective. It could just be a brief vacation from being constantly depressed, but whatever it is I’ll take it. And I want to write about it before I forget how life feels right now because it sucked for a LONG time. In the future, I’ll be able to look back and see that every storm no matter how bad, will eventually pass.

So you may have been tipped off by the title, but this is going to be a series of Music Mondays with some of my absolute favorite songs by Simple Plan. Part 1 is going to be a song called Ruin My Life (lol I know right?!). Part 2 will be their song Anxiety with a special shout-out to the movie Inside Out 2 because how could I not? Lastly, Part 3 will be going through their song Best Day of My Life. Then as per usual, we will wrap it up with an outro. I’m really excited to write this, and I hope you enjoy reading it.

This series will go over a lot of things I’ve been struggling with and my journey to becoming what my favorite YouTuber Charlotte Dobre calls “a recovering people pleaser”. I hope the thoughts and experiences that I share in the next few weeks can encourage others who may be dealing with something similar. Make sure you’ve subscribed so you get notified as soon as Part 1 is posted, and I will see you all On Monday!!

Sincerely,
LIBD