Er-Budd - Life Inspired By Dreams

high angle shot of a person walking alone in the desert

Dune by Ateez

Posted on February 12, 2024February 4, 2024 by Er-Budd

When I first heard this song, I was like, “I don’t know what you are so angry about, but I feel it, bro, I feel it.” I finally looked up the lyrics one day and said, “Wow. They really get me.” Ateez is another K-pop group, they have a different style than Oneus but they have a lot of relatable lyrics.

The light in my deserted heart
Reflected in a broken mirror
The desire in my eyes is disappearing
Further and further down

Sometimes, I see the mess in my life, and I just get so frustrated. I don’t have words. I just have lots of feelings that are overwhelming, and then I’ll grab my headphones and put this song on. Perhaps everything is awful, and my life is falling apart. In those moments, it feels so good to be mad.

The pouring rain falls and presses on my head (Presses)
Struggling so hard to get up somehow (use my strength)
I'm suffocating, I can't even count the sacrifices
I'm falling endlessly (I'm still falling down)

Sometimes I dig myself into a hole so deep I wonder if it’s worth the effort to try and get out. Perhaps even my best effort wouldn’t be enough, so it’s so much easier to accept defeat instead of trying to keep fighting to get out. It’s not that I haven’t tried, but how long should I try before it becomes insanity. After all, they say insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result.

[Pre-Chorus] Heaven's door
Is unreachable and getting
further and further away

The more I try, the more I want to give up. At this point, it just feels like a losing battle. I don’t know how it even got to this.

[Chorus] What am I hurt for?
Of countless people, why me?
Who should I blame?
I Still hear it, keep your head down
Oh-oh Breathless here everyday
Oh-oh, I can't escape it

I’ve said before that depression is like sitting in a dark room, having no idea where you are, and waiting for someone to come rescue you….. Except you know that no one is coming. It’s not anyone else’s problem though, so as nice as it would be, how could I blame anyone else. If I know that no one is coming, shouldn’t I just start trying to get out on my own? Am I a crazy person? Well, more so than my usual crazy.

Yeah, yeah
Broken lights, panic (Panic)
Tied up in chains
You could be my doll
Lost in my desire
Pop, pop
Forcefully knocked back in defeat
Into shaking waves down, down
The wind's pressure wraps around

I love it when rappers put English lyrics in their Korean songs. It just doesn’t translate well. It just sounds weird. Setting the first part aside, the second part is pretty accurate. I don’t think I could say it any better myself.

Hey, save me here, help me
Hold my hand, please hold me
Water, the water keeps drying up, I'm thirsty
Even if I scream, it doesn't come out

Depression is surprisingly quiet for such a loud emotion. It seems crazy to be feeling everything I’m feeling and not make a sound. That’s the nice thing about K-pop songs like this. Even without reading the English translation, I can feel the gist of the lyrics just by listening. That’s how it feels when I’m feeling all these things, but I can’t verbalize that madness. It’s okay though; Ateez did it for me.

Into the depths
I'm in danger of disappearing
Can you remember
Will I be able to remember
Even with the shriek of my desperation
[Pre-Chorus & Chorus]

It gets worse when I’m alone, but I think that’s just because that’s when I have time to fix things and don’t. I could clean my room, shower, brush my teeth, fold my clothes, or even wash my face. I don’t, though, and that just makes me madder because then I can’t blame anyone but myself for my misery. Sometimes, I don’t even remember what it was like to feel good. I just can’t even imagine it anymore. I’m so jealous of shower everyday people.

The fingertips of despair tempt me
As if I could run away
Run away, run away, far away
I can't take it anymore

I’m sick of it. I’m sick of feeling like this. I’m sick of not doing anything about it. Running away isn’t an option for me, but I also don’t know how to deal with the situation in front of me. I can’t live in my mom’s basement I don’t want to live in the giant mess. I want to move out and I want to move forward. I had a teacher who use to tell us “This too shall pass, even if you don’t”. It doesn’t apply to every situation, but I still like it.

Mayday, mayday, mayday
Fade out, fade out, fade out
Why are you doing this to me, why
I want to live

What did I do? Am I actually cursed, or am I just ruining my own life with my laziness and negativity? I don’t even like who I am anymore. I wake up in the morning trying to figure out what I can wear to look good enough. Can they notice that I haven’t washed my hair. Then I get to work, and worry if I’m doing a good job. Did I succeed in making myself look presentable. I mean, I was never my biggest fan, but still. I remember a time when I didn’t hate myself. Wouldn’t that be nice?

What am I hurt for?
Of countless people, why me?
Who should I blame?
I Still hear it, keep your head down
Oh-oh
Breathless here everyday
Oh-oh
I can't escape it
Oh-oh, Out of breath here every day
Oh-oh Can't escape

I hate feeling trapped. I finally got my driver’s license, only to find out that I can’t drive away from all my problems. It’s nice to have songs like this that can give the words to say what I can’t. I’ll see you guys next week, and don’t forget to follow me on Instagram for a sneak peek at next week’s song.

Sincerely,
LIBD

Better by OneRepublic

Posted on February 5, 2024February 5, 2024 by Er-Budd

This song almost feels like it’s mocking me right now. It used to make me feel so much better.

I don't set alarms
Lately I don't set alarms
But that's because of the ringing that's happening inside my head
Inside my head

Bro, I wish. I don’t set alarms on my days off anymore. If my brain suddenly wants to sleep till noon, who am I to say no? I can never sleep in too long though, because I have to let my dog out. I dread my alarms in the morning when I work; I don’t want to go to work anymore. Everything in my life is going wrong, and I’m supposed to just go to work like everything’s fine. Dying inside and cheerfully answering the phone and greeting everyone who comes in.

Yeah yeah
It keeps me safe from harm
At least I tell myself I'm safe from harm
But really, it's probably filling my dreams with dread
So I get out of bed

That’s one thing that hasn’t changed since I got out of the psych ward all those years ago. I get out of bed. When I’m not working, it’s usually only to move to the couch, but it’s still something, and that’s better than nothing I guess. I don’t want to go to work, but I’m not sure I’m any better off staying home, stuck with my thoughts and frustrations.

Yeah yeah
Yes, I'm neurotic. I'm obsessed, and I know it
I can't take vacations in my brain, or believe me I'd be on one
Hawaii under warm sun
Yeah yeah

It’s like my brain will never shut off, and even in those brief moments when things are going good, my brain still manages to freak out about something. Wouldn’t it be so nice to just not think? There are those mindfulness exercises where you imagine yourself on a beach and relax. The problem with that is I’m not stupid. I know I’m not on a beach. I’m happy for anyone who has found exercises like that helpful. I wish my brain would cooperate enough for that. Maybe I’m too pessimistic; maybe it’s because I have ADHD, but my brain just doesn’t work like that.

Chorus: I think I lost my mind
Don't worry about me
Happens all the time
In the morning, I'll be better
In the morning, I'll be better
Sing it again
I think I lost my mind
But don't worry about me
Happens all the time
In the morning, I'll be better
Things are only getting better
Sing it again
Sing it again

I used to believe that, but those words remind me of a scene in this show called Our Flag Means Death. Ed, Stede, and the pirate queen just finished fighting all these British soldiers. The pirate queen compliments Ed on this spectacular flip thing he did when he killed one of the soldiers during the battle. Then Stede chips in (Ed and Stede are a thing, but it’s complicated, and you’d have to watch it), talking about his (very minimal) contribution to the fight, asking if they saw it. Ed turns to Stede and says, “I saw it. You were great babe,” but he says it in the voice I use when my friend shows me something I don’t care about, so I say, “That’s cool,” just to be polite. That’s how these words sound to me. It’s like, “Oh, yeah, it’ll be okay,” half-heartedly thrown out there as a nice thought that they hope I will believe. That’s just where I’m at right now though.

I'll tell myself I'll change
That's right, I tell myself I'll change
But then I begin to realize that the problems inside my veins
But it's inside my veins (vein)
Yeah yeah

If I had a dollar for every time I said I would be better, I’m gonna buckle down, or I’m not gonna let myself go on like this…. It’s so easy to say, but it’s starting to feel like maybe I’m doomed to be a lazy, depressed loner who will never get her shit together. That show I was talking about got canceled. There was supposed to be a 3rd season. It didn’t get canceled until after I became a fan, just like everything else I ever liked. It’s certainly starting to feel personal.

I swear I'm not insane
Yes, most likely not insane
Everybody goes through moments of losing their clarity
At least I'm never boring
But I've been losing sleep so call the doctor said take one of these
And call me in the morning
[Chorus]

I’m not crazy. I asked my psychiatrist. She said I wasn’t, but I think she was just being nice. I understand we all go through difficult times, but this feels different. She said I’m spiraling, so at least now I know why everything is awful. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do about it. The show getting canceled reminded me, just like when they made Ravn leave, that everything in life is out of my control. I’m at the mercy of whatever cruel thing life would like to subject me to next. Yay me. (please note the sarcasm)

So here's the question asked
Of all the things you love, the people and places from the future to your ancient past
Of every one of those which one will cause you to let it go, let it go
Need to crash

Those words hurt my head. I don’t know what to make of them, and my brain is too tired to think. If any of you would like to do me a solid and leave your interpretation in the comments, that would be amazing.

Think you lost your mind
Well, don't worry about it
Happens all the time
In the morning, you'll be better
Things are only getting better
Sing it again
[Chorus]

Sincerely,
LIBD

Can You Feel the Sun (Missio)

Posted on January 22, 2024December 2, 2025 by Er-Budd

Hey y’all. It’s been a hot minute, huh. This series is special because it will be all Music Monday posts. Follow @libd_blog on instagram to get a preview of the next song in the series. Alright let’s go.

Below the willow tree
Is where I hide the darkest parts of me
They're hiding underneath
The broken lies that I just still believe

Spoiler alert: I’m not doing so hot. If the 4 or more months of silence since my last post didn’t give it away. I’m starting to feel like my job is just too fancy for me. I’m not even going to get started on the state of my basement. Kota is doing pretty good, so at least someone is, but that someone is not me.

Below the willow tree
Is where I sit and hate on my enemies
I drown 'em in my dreams
I think it's me who needs some humility

I would like to clarify that I do not dream of my enemies. I hardly ever remember dreams in general, and when I do, I try not to think too hard about them. It’s almost always something odd that doesn’t make much sense. Now, hating on my enemies or just having enemies, I’m not going to deny. Being angry at someone else means I’m not angry at myself. At this point, any feeling besides depression is most welcome.

I'm alone here [x4]

I know this is the part where I say something inspiring like, “There are people who care,” “You matter so much,” and “Everything gets better eventually.” I’m not going to say any of that today. Feels kind of like a conspiracy.

Can you feel the sun?
I do, but I can't see it
Can you feel the breeze?
I don't, but I believe it

It’s not that I don’t think it will get better. I have moments where everything is fine. I have moments that remind me of better times in my life. The problem is that there’s a part of my brain that says if it was going to get better, it would have by now. I know there’s hope, but I can’t see it or feel it.

I don't feel safe when I'm not alone
And I know, and I know what you're thinkin'
I like it on my own
But I'll let you in if you say it's okay

So, I’m going to level with you guys in this series. I started rereading A Series of Unfortunate Events, which probably explains how I came up with the title for this series. and I will paraphrase Lemony Snicket for a minute and tell you this… If you are looking for something happy, you should probably stop reading now. I will, however, let you know that at the end of each book, they briefly overcome the madness they experience in their lives. The next book will be a whole other shit show, but just for a brief moment on the very last page, it seems as if, for a moment, it might be okay. Maybe one day it will, but I don’t remember how Book 13 ended, so I guess I’ll find out.

Below the willow tree
I get hung up on my insecurities

The other day, I got scolded for wearing a mask. They didn’t tell me I couldn’t wear it but implied that I didn’t need one if I was not sick. I said it was for my allergies, but in reality, I just couldn’t stand the way my face looked that day. This spiraled into a hate fest on myself for not washing my face or showering semi-regularly. This, in turn, brought me to the conclusion that I am simply an imposter sitting at a desk doing my best to pretend that I belong.

Rose-colored dopamine
My soul feels like it could be make-believe
Below the willow tree
I search to find some sense of identity
This weeping willow tree
Sits in silence, sheds no tear for me

I’ve always said when you work, you aren’t getting paid to have feelings, and you aren’t getting paid to be happy. My job isn’t really even that hard. People always tell me they wish I had my job because it’s so easy. I’ve also had people tell me they don’t know how I survive the 9.5 hours of my shift. Depending on the day, I can see both points of view. Why it matters to me, I have no idea. Why anything matters these days, I couldn’t tell you.

Can you feel the sun?
I do, but I can't see it
Can you feel the breeze?
I don't, but I believe it
I don't feel safe when I'm not alone
And I know, and I know what you're thinkin'
I like it on my own
But I'll let you in if you say it's okay [x2]
I'm alone for sure
I'm lost to the world

I can’t promise this series will be good. It may be absolutely atrocious, like the rest of my life is. In fact, it may just be a 3-part pity party, but even then, I’m inviting all of you. If you chose to read the rest of this, you can’t say I didn’t warn you. I’m starting to make this sound like a Series of Unfortunate Events, but I suppose it is. And I mean that in a totally legal way with no copyright intended or whatever the rules are. He just has such a fantastic way of writing. I know they are sort of kids’ books, but I recommend them to everyone of all ages. (Free publicity. Now you can’t be mad)

Sincerely,
LIBD

A New Chapter

Posted on September 6, 2023September 6, 2023 by Er-Budd

Hey, y’all! So……… who’s sick of me venting about Oneus? Aww man, you are?! Well, I swear this will be the last time for a long while. I have a cold today, so I had to cancel the appt with my allergist that I’ve been waiting 3 months for, and I don’t get to hang out with my friend at the barn, which means no horse time for another 2 weeks. I really hate my life today. I just hope I’m better by tomorrow so I can go to work. Anyway, here it goes……

Today Tottenham played Burnley, and even though we were down by one in the beginning, we destroyed them. It was simply breathtaking to watch. And the fans……. They were so happy they got their team back. It’s only been a few games, but I hope we can keep up this energy and stay in the top 5. It was amazing. Last season was a hot mess, or at least the end of it was. I dreaded watching the games because it wasn’t pretty. Coincidently, I’m dreading Oneus’s next comeback (it’s when a group releases and promotes a new album). Because Oneus and Tomoons are a lot like Tottenham at the end of last season.

It wasn’t just that the players were a mess on the field a lot of the time. Fans were angry, getting mad, blaming the players, coaches, and team owner. Anyone that they possibly could to the point where I’d be like, “It’s no wonder they aren’t playing well; their fans are basically saying they suck and they’re hopeless.” Or they say they’ll stop being a fan. Maybe some of them did. Oneus doesn’t suck, but the fandom has been a mess since Ravn left. Fans have abandoned the fandom to support Ravn; they are blaming other people for making him feel like he had to go and blaming RBW for letting it all happen. Their last comeback was a mess. I was dreading it like a match from last season, and it was equally painful to sit through and watch it unfold. I want to blame the fans who abandoned them, who bailed on the fandom. But how would that make me any different from them?

Just like with Oneus, Tottenham was kind of falling apart, too. Their coaches kept stepping down, so they didn’t have consistent coaching. They gave it their best, but it wasn’t enough with everything else that was happening. Maybe they would have done better if the fans were more supportive, but we’ll never know. Just like we’ll never know if Ravn would have stayed had they not taken him out of the fan chant. But it’s done, and it may be a mess, but it is what it is, and they are doing their best. Today though, I saw my team win 2-5, and I saw the fans going crazy and cheering. The pride in the faces of the players and their fans reminded me of how Oneus and Tomoon (that’s the fandom) used to be. It was beautiful. It made me sad.

It made me sad because I don’t know if we will ever be like that again. Then I got angry. I got angry because of how some fans just abandoned them to start a new fandom for Ravn, where everyone agreed, and everything was as perfect as it could be. I felt like they left us to try to clean up the mess that was our beloved fandom. That was Ryan Mason’s job for Tottenham, but with the season winding down and all the chaos, there’s only so much he could do. This year, we got a new coach, and they are playing better than ever. I can’t wait to watch the matches now. I wished Tomoons could just get a new coach, and at that moment, I knew the one person who could help me… Ted Lasso!

He has this fantastic speech when Dani accidentally kills their mascot. It’s a sad story, but in the end, he said something that really got me thinking and could just be the one thing that would help me heal. He says,

It’s funny to think about the things in your life that can make you cry just knowing that they existed can then become the same thing that makes you cry, knowing that they’re now gone. I think those things come into our lives to help us get from one place to a better one.
Ted Lasso

I may never get back Oneus how it used to be, but maybe I don’t need to. I hope one day Oneus and Tomoons can smile and be proud like Tottenham and their fans were today, but even if that’s impossible, I must accept that it’s okay. I have a great job now. I’ve come a long way in terms of my mental health. I can drive, and I make phone calls now. And it was my experience with Oneus that got me here. They encouraged me so much and gave me many good and happy memories with them and my fellow Tomoons. Even if it’s not really Oneus, maybe I can make new memories with them as they enter this new chapter in their career.

It’s funny when everyone was falling apart and in shock at the situation; I was the one who was like, “We’ll get through this. It may be different, but different isn’t always bad. Let’s just support them all the best we can during this difficult time.” But now that everyone else has made peace with it, I’m the one who’s falling apart. Maybe I don’t need to though. There are friends, horses, and experiences that I miss a lot. However, they too, helped me get from one chapter of my life to the next. I can be sad. I should be sad about losing something that meant so much to me, but I can’t be sad about it forever. They got me to this next chapter, so perhaps it’s time to start living it. I’ll always have the memories, but it’s time to make more.

That’s what I want to do. Sure, the last chapter had a TON of good parts that I would love to read over and over again, but that’s not how I’ll grow as a person. I’ll only grow by moving forward. I can still take Oneus with me into this new chapter; it’ll just be a little different, but honestly, work keeps me pretty busy anyway. I hope to make this new chapter as good, if not better, than the last, but I can’t just assume it will be horrible. I don’t know how it will unfold until I face and start living it.

Thank you for reading! Oneus just announced a new comeback yesterday. I’m getting back into voting and streaming and ready to have a good time and make new memories with this new Oneus. I’m still low-key hoping to see Ravn in the group teaser photo just so I could watch all the haters lose their minds and eat their words, but I have no doubt karma will catch up to us all eventually. Anyway, I hope you are doing well, and if not, keep hanging in there and remember I’m always cheering for you. Go You!!!!

Sincerely,
LIBD

Killing myself… with kindness

Posted on August 8, 2023September 2, 2023 by Er-Budd

I’m a week late!!!!! I was doing so well keeping up with my posting schedule. With my new job I may have to aim for once a month for now. I finally found the inspiration to write something. It’s not long, but as I said in one of my previous posts… Anything is better than nothing.

I sometimes reach a level of frustration, which causes an automated response. It occasionally happened with customers that couldn’t make up their minds or were being difficult where I stared at them dead in the face and thought, “you make me wanna kill myself.” Me and my other coworker who suffered from depression joked about it a lot. It got worse with driving, though, I’ll be stuck behind some moron, and I’m in my car yelling, “Do you want me to kill myself?” I never mean it. It’s like yelling the F word; it’s the only thing that can express that level of anger and frustration. I’m not violent, and I feel bad breaking things, so hostile words and phrases are my only outlet, and it feels good to let it out. Could it be passive suicidal ideation? No, the thought of death terrifies me once more, so that’s a good sign. I’m just overly dramatic with my road rage.

I recently had an appt. with my psychiatrist, and we had the most unusual conversation. I was going on and on about everything I wasn’t doing. And she kept bringing up everything I was doing, and eventually, this is where the conversation went. I’ll put my words in italics;

I just don’t know what to do! I think you do know what to do. You know all the answers; you just don’t like them, but I think you know the right answer. But if I’m nice to myself, then I’m telling myself that having a messy room is okay, which I mean it is, but I feel like I’m allowing myself to be subpar. Erin, would you say any of this to a friend? Of course not I’d slap them silly if I knew they even thought any of this about themselves. Okay, so maybe you should extend that courtesy to yourself and give it a try. You have a lot to be proud of, so be kind to yourself and try to work on showering even if you can’t be bothered to wash your hair. That’s true. That’s why dry shampoo exists. Alright, I give the whole kindness thing a try. Clearly, shaming and criticizing myself isn’t working either.

So I tried it, and the first day was pleasant and very relaxing. I even picked up the trash without guilting myself into doing it. Today I washed the dishes. Tomorrow I’m hoping to shower and return an Amazon package to kohls. Today is going better than yesterday though. Yesterday around this time in the evening, it all went to shit. I started getting tense and anxious, pacing and thinking of everything I needed to do, and I tried thinking about everything I’d done and could be proud of. But all I could think was, I need to do this, I should do this, I need to do that, I shouldn’t have done this, I need to be perfect…

And I realized then how much of a problem I had. I woke up to a better-ish day today, but I would say both sides of my brain have reached an agreement. The mean side won’t keep hating if the nice side doesn’t start cheerleading. Considering how my first day ended, peaceful neutrality is a good place to start.When my brain starts going all perfectionist on me, it brings up the F word ‘you make me wanna kill myself’ anger, so I’ve decided to try to kill myself with kindness. After all, if there’s one thing I’ve learned from Roy Kent in Ted Lasso, it’s that there’s no bad feeling that can’t be overcome by cursing loudly and angrily. It’s weird though. It’s so dull when I’m not shaming and berating myself all day. I don’t know what to do with all this free time. I should have done laundry (see, there I go again. I didn’t even notice until I was editing), but if I’m this bored today, I’m sure I’ll have no problem staying busy tomorrow.

Sincerely,
LIBD

No Words

Posted on July 20, 2023September 2, 2023 by Er-Budd

Hey everyone!! How’s it going. I feel like I’m always working lately. It’s insane. I finally had a day off and have taken a break from playing Superstar Ateez (I’m on a one-way train to Atiny land) just to get caught up on posting. I wrote this on a pretty meh day, so get ready for a change of emotion.

Sometimes there are no words to describe a feeling. I’m mad, but I really shouldn’t be as angry as I am about the thing I’m mad about. I’m sad, but there’s no reason for me to be sad, either. I’m worried even though I’m sure it’ll all work out. What’s the word to describe all of that at the same time? I don’t like it when I can’t find words for my feelings. As a blogger, it’s particularly upsetting because I use all the words I know to try to convey my thoughts as I write. Sometimes Grammarly will try to give me better words to use, and sometimes I allow it. Usually though, I ignore it because the “better word” is a different word, and a different word isn’t the most accurate word to express what I am thinking.

So what do I do when the word I need doesn’t exist? I can’t accurately explain my feelings because there aren’t always words. The Mindset app told me that my feelings don’t have to make sense to be valid, but it’s easier to deal with emotions when they make sense. When I tell a story or express a thought, I think very carefully about how to write it so that the person reading or listening knows exactly what I’m talking about. I could just say Sunshine is my favorite horse, but then you might think she is my favorite horse in the same way blue is my favorite color. Blue is just lovely to look at and has so many wonderful shades. Sunshine is also lovely to look at, but I want you to know she is my favorite horse because she’s sassy and reminds me of me. Sometimes she drives me crazy, and sometimes she’s an angel, but I feel like I get her, and she gets me.

So that’s why I can’t bring myself to simply write “I feel lost” because while those words are probably the best ones I can use, it’s what’s behind the feeling that that is the real problem. Happy, sad, and excited bummed are all just words by themselves. If I want the person reading to truly feel those words, I need to express the cause of the feelings. If I say I’m excited, that could be because Oneus has a new album coming out. It could also be I just landed an AMAZING job. It could also mean I’m going to see my niece soon. That’s why words are so important to me. Even if nobody wants to listen, I will get to process and experience feelings and situations to make them more than just a word or a solitary generalized thought in my head.

But perhaps not all feelings can be perfectly described. Forever unknown to even myself, it’s still real, but it’s hard to deal with something I can’t understand. I think I heard somewhere that feelings were meant to be felt. Perhaps I should just let myself feel even if I can’t quite pinpoint what it is. I can’t control my feelings, but I can control how I react to them. I can allow myself to make peace with not knowing because, ultimately, no amount of words, or lack thereof, will make the feeling any less real. It’s hard when I’m at a loss for words because I feel like I can’t truly accept something if I can’t make sense of it.

There are lots of things in life, though, that don’t make sense. Theorems from geometry class, for example. Just because I don’t understand them doesn’t make them less real. But honestly, Geometry was one class, and I’ve never needed to use it since, so I never let it bother me. This feeling is temporary, and sometimes all you need is a good night’s sleep, so I think I’ll give that a try.

Words are like a pencil or paint for an artist. Artists (not that I would know I suck at drawing) don’t just start drawing lines randomly and hoping it will look half decent when they are done. I’m assuming they have a picture in their head, and they use their tools to make it real and tangible for not only themselves to admire but others as well.

I hope that even if this is the only post you read, you won’t be bored to tears by it. I’m no artist, but I want people to understand me. I can’t control what people who read this will think, but whatever you think, I’ll know I need to respect it because you are basing your opinion off of something honest, even if you hate it. At least I won’t have to worry about being misunderstood.

I once said that I would much rather someone dislike me confidently than like me vaguely. You’ve at least given me the kindness of listening so I can respect your opinion even if I don’t like it. I don’t know if that made any sense, but sometimes things don’t make sense, but I’ll understand because I know myself. I know my thoughts and feelings. Maybe people won’t always understand, but that doesn’t matter because it’s my life and my story, regardless of whether or not it makes sense to anyone else. It’s valid because it’s true to me, and that’s something that no one can take away from me.

Well, this was short, sweet, and to the point, and it almost feels like a waste of time, but I’m desperate for something to post, so instead of throwing this in my blog post graveyard, I’ll post it and hope no one reads it. I hope you are doing well!

Sincerely, LIBD

As it was

Posted on July 3, 2023July 3, 2023 by Er-Budd

Hey guys. It’s been a long day, but I promised every other week, so here it is. I’m too tired for chit-chat today, so let’s get right into it. You are probably familiar with a song called As It Was by Harry Stiles. If you aren’t familiar with it, let me refresh your memory…

In this world, it’s just us
You know it’s not the same as it was
In this world, it’s just us
You know it’s not the same as it was
As it was, as it was
You know it’s not the same

Today’s reflection on Mindset was “What have you lost interest in lately.” Honestly, it was hard to put my finger on it. Surely I haven’t lost interest in life, but what is it specifically. TV? Not really. I do enjoy watching a good tv series or movie. Horses? Nah, I may be allergic, which might put a damper on it, but I love it all the same. Work? No, if anything, I want more hours. But something was off. Then it hit me. K-pop. It’s practically just a tiny corner of my mind these days. Which means all the leftover space is filled with nothingness.

You’re probably sick of hearing me talk about Oneus, and honestly, I was struggling before the rumors about Ravn started. Oh, by the way, he’s started posting again on youtube and stuff and seems to be hanging in there, so I’m glad to hear that. My favorite thing about K-pop and Oneus specifically was that they brought so much brightness into my life. Oneus and us Tomoons were a big, mostly happy family. Sharing memes and watching the hilarious content they would post on youtube. I could wake up on a shitty morning and say, “I’m gonna make it through this day for Oneus. I’m going to make them proud”. They don’t even know I exist, but it meant something to me.

Waking up at 5 in the morning to vote or watch music shows to see if they would win…. I hated it as much as I loved it. Helping out with voting and streaming drove me crazy some days, but I didn’t want it any other way. Oneus had helped me so much mentally and learning to be okay with my own life that early mornings, all day streaming, and routine voting were the least I could do to give them back everything they had given to me. Then we did, and it was the best feeling in the world. Oneus and Tomoons proved ourselves as a force to be reckoned with, and I was so excited to see what their tour and opportunities in the new year would lead them.

Then, overnight, one fake made account and a rumor were all it took to bring it all crumbling down. It was really hard for me. Watching the fans fight with each other, seeing the awful things they said about Ravn, and then they took his name out of the fan chant, and that’s when I think the fire died. I wanted to fix it, so I tried hard to support the remaining members and silently support Ravn, but there was so much hate, and people were so cruel. The magical world of Tomoon just slowly crumbled until there wasn’t much left.

I’m happy to know Ravn’s okay, but I don’t want him to just be okay; I want him back. I want everything to go back to the way it was when my life was bright and exciting. The hardest thing about being a kpop fan is that all you are is a fan. I’ll never know how they really feel about fans after everything that happened. We’ll never know if their words are true or just what they are contractually obligated to say. More than feeling sorry for myself, I feel sorry for them.

Not just Ravn, but all of them. Because above all, kpop is simply business, and the part of their lives that we see is them working. And you know what I say about working… You not getting paid to be happy; you’re getting paid to do a job with a smile on your face and bitch about it in your own private time. They meant so much to me, and they still do, but I just feel devastated whenever I think of them. Because it will never be the same as it was. And if he goes solo, is that his choice? If I join the group again, does he want to?? After everything Tomoons did. They made me so happy, and I want the same for them. Like with most jobs, I’m sure they knew what they were signing up for, but so do people in the veterinary field, and it has one of the highest suicide rates of almost any career.

Even at Subway, I know people are going to be rude or bitchy sometimes, but that doesn’t make it any easier to have them standing there loudly complaining about things to my face. There’s talk of them having a new comeback soon. I don’t think I’ll get up at 6 to watch the music video as soon as it’s released; I don’t think I’ll have alarms set to make sure I vote in all the right apps at the right time. I don’t know if I’ll wake up early to watch music shows live. Seeing them win was so exciting because it made me feel a part of something.

I don’t think the issue was that I lost interest in K-pop or Oneus. It’s just that what I loved so much and what brought me so much joy doesn’t exist anymore, and I’m trying to settle for what’s left, but it’s just not the same as it was. It’s heartbreaking. Sorry, this was so depressing, but it’s how I feel, and maybe I’m silly or immature, but I lost something that was precious to me. It may not mean anything to you, but it meant a lot to me, so I’m allowed to be sad.

Sincerely,
LIBD

Wait for it

Posted on June 23, 2023October 12, 2025 by Er-Budd

Hey y’all, it’s been a hot minute, huh? Well, not really. Even though I haven’t written in 2 and a half months, I still have posts scheduled every 2 weeks. I watched Hamilton the other day. I originally watched it just so I could say I watched it. However, part way through, I realized that it was kind of amazing, so I watched it again, and it was!

So then I watched it again… and again…. and I’ll watch it again on my next day off. I would have aced the subject if all History was taught through amazing musicals like that. There were a few parts that stuck with me.

Every second King George was on stage was fabulous. I think what made him such a stand-out character is that the storyline is so serious and sometimes sad. When you have a plot like that, the character in charge of comic relief always stands out more. One line I really fell in love with was something Washington’s character said.

Hamilton was ready to die from the minute he finished college. It wasn’t in a “life is meaningless” way. Given his back story, he just wasn’t expecting to live a long life, so he wanted to make the most of every second to make his time worthwhile. One day Washington tells him,

“Dying is easy young man. Living is harder.”
George Washington (Hamilton)

It’s so true. Living is hard! It takes even more courage than dying does. Whenever someone died, it made me so sad. Especially if it was someone who wasn’t supposed to be dead, like Chester Bennington or Moonbin. I think Hamilton didn’t see the value of life. There’s this one song where the cast sings about him…

How do you write like tomorrow won't arrive?
How do you write like you need it to survive?
How do you write every second you're alive?
Every second you're alive, Every second you're alive

I think the fundamental difference between Hamilton and Burr is that Hamilton wasn’t going to wait for it. He would make the most of every second and contribute as much as he could to this world. Burr didn’t live for the moment. I think he thought things out, and his actions and words were more calculated than Hamilton’s.

Perhaps Burr felt a hint of jealousy. He thought Hamilton was careless and immature, but somehow everything seemed to work out for him. Burr thought that contemplating and planning was how you got to the top, but it wasn’t working for him like he thought it would. I wasn’t alive then. I didn’t know either of them, but if I were Burr, I would want to punch Hamilton in the face for what Professor McGonagall called “sheer dumb luck.”

As much as I would love to say I could relate to Hamilton, I think it’s Burr that I relate to the most. I’ve always spent my life planning, trying to do the right thing, say the right thing, and play my cards right.

It’s hard to see the Hamiltons of this world just living it up. Getting all the recognition, all the love, and all that stuff that I’ve spent my whole life trying to get. I think he overreacted A LOT, but I can see his point of view. It seems like the people who deserve the least get the most, and those who deserve the most get the least.

Not that Hamilton didn’t deserve it, but it seems like he got a free ride. Until his son died, everything always just seemed to go his way. Burr was working like mad, and he just couldn’t seem to reach Hamilton’s level, and that’s when this next song comes up…

Hamilton doesn't hesitate
He exhibits no restraint
He takes, and he takes, and he takes
And he keeps winning anyway
He changes the game
He plays, and he raises the stakes
And if there's a reason
He seems to thrive when so few survive, then ***damnit
I'm willing to wait for it (Wait for it)
I'm willing to wait for it

Life doesn't discriminate
Between the sinners and the saints
It takes and it takes, and it takes
And we keep living anyway
We rise (and we fall)
We fall (and we break)
And we make our mistakes
And if there's a reason I'm still alive
When so many have died
Then I'm willin' to-
Wait for it (Wait for it, wait for it)

Some of the best people leave us too soon. Far too soon. It’s hard because losing someone who made the world such a bright place feels like you just get left in the dark. Life doesn’t discriminate between the sinners and the saints. It takes and it takes, and it takes. And there’s nothing we can do about it. But if we are still here, it’s for a reason.

Not everyone will always have luck on their side like Hamilton seemed to, and if we don’t, then we have to wait for it. Our time will come if we keep striving. It’s not always going to go our way, and there will always be people out there who have beautiful lives, whether we think they deserve them or not. That’s none of my business anyway.

I don’t know how historically accurate the musical is. I really don’t care, but I feel bad for Burr. He spent so much time trying to keep up with Hamilton instead of making his own path. Eventually, his anger and hatred became too much for him to deal with. We’ll never really know what happened back then, but I do know that I’m not Hamilton. And if there’s a reason I’m still alive when so many have died, I’m willing to wait for it.

Thanks for reading, everyone! I hope you my Hamilton Life Lesson, and I hope you are having a good week. My boss told me today she’s very impressed with how well I’m doing after just 2 weeks. It made me glad to hear because I had been worried that I wasn’t picking things up fast enough. It’s different from what I had been doing, but I’m slowly catching on. Anyway, hang in there, and have a great week!!!

Sincerely,
LIBD

K-Quotes: Better Than Nothing

Posted on June 5, 2023June 6, 2024 by Er-Budd

Before I start this I just want to say if you are really depressed this could potentially be triggering. Today’s quote is kind of extreme that’s why I go on to explain it so if you choose to read, please read to the very end.

So today was another not-good day. To give you an idea about how bad it was… I gathered the bravery to go to the customer service desk to ask about renting a table again, and I’m pretty sure the lady thought I had a stutter. I went over and over in my head what to say, and I just froze. It was horrible. Unfortunately, after this week, they no longer offer tables inside except for events. I should have asked for more info about outdoor booths, but I panicked, said thank you, and left. And that was just the beginning.

I’ve been having some rough days recently, but there’s a quote from a tv show I’ve been holding on to. The first time I heard this quote, I was appalled. I thought the main girl was horrible, heartless, and cruel, but I understood what she was saying as the story continued. Now I’ll even say it to myself on days like this. She says, in numerous ways throughout the series…

“If you’re not going to do anything, you should just die.”
Mudeok

Please keep reading!!!! She says it sometimes to herself, sometimes to him. By the end, even he says it. When I tell people that this is one of my favorite quotes, they always have this look on their faces. The same one I did the first time I heard it. As I said though, the meaning starts to become clear as it goes on. Like when she says…

“No matter how pathetic you feel, you must do what you can at the moment. If I am not willing to do anything, I might as well just die.”
Mudeok

Many times throughout the show, people underestimated the main dude. They would discourage him from improving his skills, telling him he shouldn’t bother trying because he won’t be able to catch up with everyone else. Or when there was trouble, they’d tell him to stay behind and let other people handle it. At times he listened to them. In the beginning, he was a lot like me. He liked the idea of being great, but he didn’t really wanna get his hands dirty. He’d do enough to say he tried and call it a day. However, he would never have been the hero if he had listened to everyone else and done nothing.

It wasn’t an easy path for him though. He took that saying to heart and worked hard. He put in the effort and the hours; even then, it was a struggle for him at first. I always want to give up when I stop making progress. It’s obviously not working, so why waste my time. But often times what we see as failure is not actually a failure. Mudeok (the main girl) bet the Prince that Jang Uk could win 1 out of 8 battles (I think). He lost the first 7, but each time he lost, he learned, and eventually, he did win. When I feel like I’ve lost 5 battles in a row, I just want to quit. I want to do nothing, but according to Mudeok, I should just die if I’m going to do nothing.

So, let’s take a minute to address the other half of the phrase. It is a little harsh, and you can’t say that nowadays because you don’t know what people are dealing with or going through, and it could easily be taken the wrong way. Is it really better to die than do nothing? Yes and No. Depression is real. Mental illness is real, and it’s a disease. Your brain is not working correctly, and it can cause all sorts of problems. When you are depressed or struggling, just existing some days can be difficult, but even existing is something. I think she words it that strongly because if you give up on life totally, it’s practically the same thing.

When you exist every day, that is something, and as long as we are doing something, there is hope that things will get better. Even now, I feel like I keep failing and messing up. But that’s something too, and even those tiny things can give us hope that things will get better. Another quote says, “All the pain that does not kill you will only make you stronger.” One of the songs from the show is called Scars leave a beautiful trace. I posted these lyrics a while back on Facebook, but I’ll add them here and put a video with the translated lyrics at the bottom.”

"Every time I take one more step
I know the path ahead of me
Take a deep breath
Look into the distance,
Stand up again and endure

I will stand here strong,
Now I, I'm never falling down
I'm not afraid
Look ahead
Scars become beautiful traces"

So now, whenever I’m tempted to give up on life, I think of that quote and this song because it reminds me that…. Well, if I’m going to do nothing and give up on life, I might as well be dead. So even when things aren’t great, and I’m not being productive, and I have days where I don’t do much, I try to enjoy the little things because just existing is very admirable and brave. And as long as you are still living, there’s hope that things will get better. Today I’m tempted to say I did nothing, but I did quite a few things. They were a total train wreck, but now I know I can’t possibly ever be worse than the stuttering mess I was today. I’m still here, which means I will get another chance to have a better day tomorrow. Maybe it’ll suck too, but there’s only one way to find out, which brings me to a final quote.

Jang Uk and his 2 friends are being subjected to a horrible meal by the one dude’s uncle, who has a passion for cooking but absolutely no talent. At the end, he brings rice cakes for dessert and says, “normal rice cakes are too boring,” so he decided to fill 2 with honey and 1 with fish sauce so they can each test their luck. The first 2 who pick get ones filled with honey, so obviously, Jang Uk doesn’t want to eat it because it’s gross. And the uncle asks him how he knows. His friend explained that since his uncle had said one was filled with fish sauce, that was the only one left. The uncle then repeats the question, and Uk eats it. He never tells the others if it was indeed filled with fish sauce or if it was honey and the uncle was lying. All the uncle says is this…

“Life is unpredictable, but you choose your own destiny. No matter how sweet or bitter it may be, you must taste it yourself and swallow it.”
Uncle Park

Wherever life takes me, I want to see it to the end. I have a lot of dreams and maybe they’ll happen, or maybe they won’t. Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day; perhaps it won’t, but there’s only one way to find out. And wouldn’t it be sad to miss out on a perfectly wonderful desert just because we thought it would be horrible? Metaphors have limits, but I hope this makes sense. I also hope even if it gets bad, you’ll stick around and find the strength to keep existing because you never know when a good day may come.

Life isn’t easy, but remember, you aren’t the only one struggling. There’s nothing wrong with you. We all struggle, and even though our situations aren’t the same, we can all try to be kind to ourselves and persevere through even the most painful things. Because even existing is better than nothing.

Sincerely,
LIBD

Beating the Game

Posted on May 22, 2023November 11, 2025 by Er-Budd

I was talking to a friend about how complicated life can sometimes be. She said she was trying to learn to enjoy the happy moments along the way. We talked about how difficult it can be to find the line between happiness and responsibility. If we ever figure it out, I promise to share it with you guys. There are all these responsibilities when you become an adult though. It’s like I have a to-do list that never really ends. More stuff just gets added on whenever I start checking things off.

It’s hard though. I think the feeling of wanting to solve all your problems and fix everything is a pretty common one. I was thinking about all of this. Trying not to take life so seriously, just enjoying it but still being responsible… Then something popped into my head. A few weeks ago, my brother fell off the face of the earth. No one could get him to answer the calls or texts. My parents were getting really worried, but he had texted me 5 days before about the new Harry Potter game he had started. My brother works a lot, so not answering every call or text isn’t unusual. However, after another week, even I started to get worried.

Finally, my mom threatened to have the cops come to check on him if he didn’t respond to someone, and a few hours later, I got a text saying he beat that whole game. It’s not surprising that he would get that invested in a game; I just didn’t know he was that passionate of a Harry Potter fan.

It’s rare for my brother to totally beat a game because most of his favorite games are open-ended. Like, he can get to the highest level, but even then the game doesn’t really end; there are always more things to do. I was kind of disappointed though. Did he even have time to enjoy the game and get into it, or was he just rushing through levels to beat it? That’s like skipping through an episode you can’t be bothered to watch so you can get the gist and be done with it.

I realized though I treat life the same way my brother treated that game. I know what needs to be done. I want to do it all, get it over with, so I can “beat the game.” I realized that’s where the line is between letting yourself be happy and staying responsible. Beating the game is the end goal for everyone; that’s why we play, but we can’t forget it’s a game.

An example of what I think is a responsible balance is this: I play Hogwarts mystery, and there’s a main storyline you follow along with side quests, in-game activities, and magizoology. Sometimes during the side quests and stuff, I’m so focused on finishing them to get back to the main story that I don’t know what it was about. I skip through the dialogues so I can move on and finish them. I think that’s what it’s like when we focus too hard on our responsibilities.

On the other hand, other times, I’ll get so caught up taking care of creatures and earning more books to unlock more creatures that I forget there’s an actual story to complete. I can’t spend all my time playing mini-games or trying to unlock new creatures. I’m not making any real progress whatsoever.

My brother has played a game called RuneScape since middle school. He’s at the highest level and has unlocked all these fancy, rare things that only the most elite players can get. Apparently, they keep adding levels to the game. Once they add another one, he’ll do whatever you do in that game to get to the next level. In between, he just messes around in the game doing random stuff while he waits for a new level. Ideally, that’s how I want to live my life. Keep up with responsibilities so I can truly enjoy all the perks. Do I ever think I will get there? I don’t know.

There’s a sense of loss I’ve found though, when you beat a game. That’s why I don’t like to hurry through games. It’s not just because I’m bad at them. Some games are challenging too. We used to have Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets on our Xbox, and there was one part I never ended up beating. I just couldn’t do it no matter how many times I tried. My brother beat it on his file or whatever they called different user accounts.

After he completed that, he later got stuck on the level with the spiders. I beat it for him. He again struggled with defeating the basilisk, enlisted my help again, and I beat that one too. I helped him win the whole game but was always stuck on that one level. I don’t think I ever asked him to help me, or maybe he couldn’t do it again.

I think at times, we get stuck. Trying to overcome this mountain of responsibility, we feel frustrated and give up. That’s the time it’s most important to remind yourself it’s just a game or it’s just life. It doesn’t have to be serious. If you are stuck, give yourself a break for a day. Be kind to yourself and enjoy the little things life has to offer. Then try again.

You may still be stuck like I am right now, and that’s okay. My problems will still be there tomorrow. Physically at this moment, I cannot do the things I need to do. I’m already in bed while writing this, so changing my sheets clearly isn’t going to happen. Financially I will pay off what I can this paycheck, and once I’ve done all that I could possibly do at this moment, I’m going to try to just be happy.

Should I clean my room? Yes. I know that. Lately, I’ve been tired and stressed about how I look because even though I haven’t gained much weight, I can’t stand to look at anything but my face in the mirror. The mess will still be there when I’m ready to clean it, but until that happens, I will take it 24 hours at a time.

If I do nothing, I hope to genuinely enjoy and appreciate that time. In the mindset app, I hear or read (I’m not sure which) “you are worthy of rest,” and honestly, still just reading it feels wrong, but you know what? I’m gonna make that my mantra, and I’m going to keep telling myself that until the day I actually believe it.

Problems and responsibilities are much easier to deal with when we are in a good place mentally. This brings me to another thing I’ve heard multiple times from the mood check-in AI “prioritize your mental health and well-being,” “be gentle with yourself,” “focus on your progress,” and all these things that I’m honestly not used to hearing.

When I think of responsibilities, I think of work, bills, independence, and a clean living space. However, I think our most significant responsibility should be to ourselves. We are humans with feelings, and I will try to add myself to my to-do list. I’m not a machine. I shouldn’t feel bad when I’m too overwhelmed to deal with life. I can enjoy doing nothing without feeling so ridiculously guilty and ashamed.

I hope this brought you comfort if you are struggling. Thank you for reading, and let’s all do our best to ensure we are responsible for ourselves. Maybe you already are, but if you are like me and are bad at it, I encourage you to keep those quotes in the back of your mind. Don’t forget I’m always cheering for you, and I hope you have a good week.

Sincerely,
LIBD