Hey guys! Now I know what most of you are thinking, “You wouldn’t last 2 seconds in a fight.” And you would be correct. What could I possibly know about battle, apart from either screaming or crying and hoping they deem me an unworthy opponent and leave me alone. I’ve been told that when I punch people it feels like I’m throwing a stuffed animal at them. I blame muscular dystrophy, but my brother says my technique is bad too. This isn’t so much about battles themselves as it is about choosing your battles.
In life, you are going to disagree with people. We are all unique and have our own personalities and worldviews. And it is this detail precisely that is the cause of why we don’t always see eye to eye. Disagreements aren’t the only battles though. Sometimes I see someone doing something wrong or just irritating, and it can be tempting to say something. It was tempting to tell my coworker, “Well maybe if you weren’t watching YouTube shorts right now you would get out on time and not get in trouble.” That is a battle that I decided was not worth it. And don’t even get me started on social media…
My friend sent me a song a long time ago and the very first line is one of my favorites. It says “I swear to God I wasn’t born to fight. Well maybe just a little bit, just to make me sick of it”. I used to be one of those people who always needed to be right and didn’t turn down the chance to tell someone when they were wrong. I got in some pretty crazy fights with my mom, and that was enough to make me sick of it. I want to share my expertise and perspective in the hopes of letting others know some of what goes on in that brain of mine.
The first lesson in choosing your battles is called redirection. If a conversation among others is getting too heated there’s one little question that can change the subject. So far it has been a success for everyone I shared it with. It goes like this, “Do you ever freeze your bread?” Trust me, next time a situation is getting a little too tense just try it and watch what happens.
The next lesson is just one word. One tiny little word that can end any argument… “Okay”. This is also amusing because I like to say it in a way that lets them know I disagree, but they can’t argue with the word okay. If someone says you’re doing something the wrong way and you know you’re not, just say okay, you’re not saying they’re right, but you will save yourself at least 5 minutes of your life you could have wasted if you kept arguing.
The third lesson is evasion. This worked wonders with my mom and works great for anyone else you can’t have a grown-up conversation with. Her favorite sayings are, “I get it, you’re the only one in this house who’s allowed to have feelings” and “I’m sorry, I forgot your perfect and no one else is”. I’m not even joking; these are real sentences spoken by a grown woman.
When she starts arguing I would just walk away. One time as I was walking away, she said, “That’s right just run away like you always do”. Do not fall for that, it’s a trap. It’s their last-ditch effort to rile you up in the hopes that you’ll fight back, but you cannot stoop to their level.
Before we get into how to choose our battles we have one final lesson. The art of being wrong. There are times when I have been wrong. The other day at my job I had done something I didn’t know I wasn’t supposed to do. I apologized and assured them that I simply was unaware and that it would not happen again now that I knew. The person was thankfully super cool about it once they realized it was an honest mistake, but not everyone will be.
You have to be willing to accept that sometimes you will be in the wrong, and own up to it when you are. Whether it’s intentional or not being able to admit when you are wrong is a quality that not a lot of people possess. I get it it’s not fun, but it shows honesty and integrity.
Choosing my battles comes down to one thing. Is it worth it? Let’s take the example of my coworker who was watching YouTube shorts after complaining he got in trouble for not getting out on time. I thought about it, and he’s not stupid. He knows if he spent more time working and less time on his phone he could get done on time. The fact that he’s not mean he just doesn’t care and I can’t make him care, so I decided to stay silent and annoyed.
With my mom, I know it’s impossible to have a mature, calm, and understanding conversation with her. It’s never worth arguing with someone who refuses to listen or take responsibility for their actions. Well, that’s not true. One time she said she would try to do better if I did better, but I wasn’t doing anything wrong in that instance. If I have to take the blame for nothing just for someone to feel slightly accountable for their actions, it’s not worth my time. Don’t waste your life on people who don’t care.
One time two of my friends accused me of being manipulative after being my silly self at lunch one day. It really hurt, and I didn’t understand why I felt that way. I tried talking to the one and explaining myself and she essentially said, no that’s just the way you are and I’m telling you this so you can fix it and more people will like you.
When those words were spoken I realized that battle was no longer worth my time. She had made up her mind, I understood where she was coming from, but she obviously didn’t understand where I was coming from and I wasn’t going to waste my time on someone who thinks I need to be better for people to like me.
I had the same conversation with the other friend, and that conversation was very much worth having. I apologized for making her feel that way, and she apologized for not understanding my sense of humor. She asked that I not joke around with her like that. Which I didn’t anymore after knowing it made her feel bad. When I want something from my family sometimes I’ll ask “Do you love me?” and in that scenario, most people say “No” or “Not that much” and it’s funny (at least I thought it was).
These 2 friends didn’t understand the humor and felt like I was being manipulative by trying to make them feel guilty. I had no idea that I was actually making anyone feel guilty until they said something. Now when I meet new coworkers I make sure I don’t joke around with them that much until I get to know them pretty well.
Listen to others, genuinely listen, be willing to take responsibility, and choose your battles wisely. There is a right and wrong way of disagreeing with someone, and at the heart of any disagreement, there should be a level of mutual respect for the other persons feelings. If someone is not capable of that, then don’t waste your time. Say “okay” or change the subject with a “Do you say pecan or pe-can for the pie and ice cream flavor?”
Maybe that moment is just not the best one for the particular discussion, or maybe they are just incapable of being wrong or taking responsibility. The reason doesn’t matter so much as your choice.
Thank you for reading. I hope it wasn’t too long, but right now if you would like to join me in becoming a great chooser of battles let’s practice a few phrases. “That was my fault”, “I apologize I should not have done that”, and “Do you ever freeze your bread”. Your life is far too valuable to be wasted on petty arguments and people who don’t care. Be respectful and most importantly, don’t let anyone make you feel like you’re the problem when you’re not. Be accountable for your actions, be strong, and occupy that moral high ground with honor and integrity. I’ll see you in 2 weeks!
Sincerely,
LIBD
LIBD’s guide to Choosing your Battles
