Author: Er-Budd

new york times square

No Rest for the Wicked

Posted on by Er-Budd

Hey guys, what’s up? How are you doing? I am genuinely interested. I hope everything is going swimmingly for you. If not, just hold on to the good moments while waiting for the storm to pass. It always gets better eventually, although I know that doesn’t help you now. Hang in there and know you aren’t alone. Anyway, let’s move on with today’s post.
There’s a song I think sums up life pretty well, is very relatable, and I ALWAYS have to sing along to. It’s called Ain’t No Rest for the Wicked by Cage the Elephant. The chorus goes like this…

Oh, there ain't no rest for the wicked
Money don't grow on trees
I got bills to pay
I got mouths to feed
There ain't nothing in this world for free
I know I can't slow down
I can't hold back
Though you know
I wish I could
Oh, no there ain't no rest for the wicked
Until we close our eyes for good

I hate that it specifies ‘for the wicked’ because I feel like that sums up a lot of perfectly normal and non-criminal people. You’re probably wondering what this has to do with anything.

I’m writing this one the day after the craft show (March 19th). That’s right, I’m writing them THAT far in advance, lol. The week leading up to this was stressful, crazy, and awful. I thought I’d feel so much better once it was over, but somehow no. Maybe I still need to catch up on sleep since I didn’t sleep the night before. The Mindset AI says I’m putting too much pressure on myself. I think all of this was a horrible mistake that I would love to go back and time and fix. The first 2 are most likely, but I hate feeling this awful combination of stress and uncertainty. I still don’t have any confidence. Much like blogging, I’m just making it up as I go along and praying it doesn’t go down like the Titanic. However, that’s a very stressful way to go through life.

Usually, this is when I would give up and run right back to my comfort zone where I belong, but I need to break even, and I would like to cover my blog’s expenses. Maybe if I’m lucky, make some extra money on top of everything. That kind of sounds like a fantasy novel more than real life right now but whatever. The other side of this is I’m off my allergy medication until I have my last allergy test Monday. I remember feeling like this the last time too.

Now, can you tell why I love the song so much? It’s true, and since I don’t consider myself a particularly good person, I especially love it. It’s life. You gotta do what you gotta do to live your life. Nothing will be handed to me, and my debt isn’t going to pay off itself. If I was like the people in the song, I could find faster means of making money, so really I feel like I’m getting EVEN LESS rest than the wicked. I wouldn’t last 2 minutes in jail, so I can’t risk criminal activity. You know what? I don’t like this song anymore. The people in the song are extorting money or other sketchy activities to make quick cash and complaining about how much work it is??? Imagine if they tried to make money like regular folk if they think they’ve got it rough now.

Maybe I could learn from Jean Ralphio from Parks and Recreation. He has this great quote,

I made money the old-fashioned way. I got run over by a Lexus…. Do you wanna get run over? Because I know a guy. Super gentle, minor scrapes and bruises, major dollars and cents.

He knows what’s up. That was a joke, guys. I’m pretty sure that’s illegal, and I’m totally kidding. John Mulaney says you should always add I’m kidding just in case it gets brought up in court.
This was a pretty lame one, wasn’t it? Don’t worry, I’ve got a really good one in my mind, just waiting to be written.

Sincerely,
LIBD

petaled flower drawing on white egg shell

#MusicMonday (Shattered life by Seventh Day Slumber)

Posted on by Er-Budd

I’m just gonna jump right into it today.

This wanting more from me is tearing me, it's breaking me
But what you want's not mine to give

I wanted more this year. I wanted to be better. Get my credit card paid off focus on my jewelry business. Take better care of myself… but the hits just keep on coming. The stress and anxiety are just eating me alive, and I can’t see an end to it. It’s too much. I’m just one person.

I'm your dollar sign, your brand new house
Your product line
When you're done with me I'm spent

I can’t afford this anymore. Any of this. I need to change the situation, but that’s not what I do. I like to keep peace, and not cause any ripples. Keep my head down and follow a routine. I can’t afford to keep doing it. I need a change, but I don’t want to change.

When the smoke is gone I have to face what I've become...

I’m a lot like my dog in the sense I may bark a lot but if you even come near me, I’ll immediately run away. I talk about standing up for myself, but I don’t like to make waves. Even if it’s at my own expense in my mind it’s better to suffer if it keeps the sense of peace and normal. But a person can only withstand so much before they break. All the progress I’ve made over the years and I’m still the shy, timid, and scared little girl who’s too scared to ask for help or stand up for herself.

Will you rescue me?
Could you get me out alive?
I'm trying to hold on but I've lost the will to fight
Will You rescue me?
Take me far away from this shattered life

I’m trying to hang in there. Trying to be strong and keep on fighting. It’s so hard now though because I want to do what’s easy not what’s best for me. It’s so hard right now and I’m so tired. I wish somebody could rescue me and take me far away, but that’s not going to happen.

How can I go on pretending that there's nothing wrong?
Life has brought me to my knees

This mask I hide behind is killing me
There's nothing left
Is there anyone who feels like me?
When the smoke is gone I have to face what I've become...

I can’t take it anymore I’m tired of pretending. If I can’t afford this right now, how will I ever afford a car or a place to live? I can’t go on pretending like $60 a week is no big deal it is! I work part time and I hate myself for trying to convince myself otherwise just because I’m too afraid to tell them I can’t afford it. What is wrong with me?! It’s not hard, and I need to fight for myself because no one else is going to.

Will you rescue me?
Could you get me out alive?
I'm trying to hold on but I've lost the will to fight
Will You rescue me?
Take me far away from this shattered life [x2]

Take me far away from this shattered life

I want to be rescued, but the only one who can rescue me from this shattered life is myself. I can’t run away when things get scary. I need to be a better person and if I keep running away and letting myself suffer because it’s easier than doing something about it than of course my life is going to suck. I want things to be better, but I’m the only one who can make that happen. Wish me luck.

Sincerely,
LIBD

paper art hanging in the room

Who I am

Posted on by Er-Budd

Many years ago, the day before my birthday, my dog (the first dog I ever had) got out and was hit by a car and had to be put down. Worst. Birthday. Ever. I was invited over to my friend’s house, and I didn’t want to go because why would I want to do anything, but her mom said they really needed my help, so I went. On the way there, the radio was on, and the song Happy by Pharrell Williams came on. I immediately changed the station because how dare they play that song on such a sad day. I got to my friends’ house and found out they needed my help settling in the horse I used to ride because she was ready to retire, and they were taking her in. Best. Worst Birthday. Ever.

Turned out to be a blessing and a curse. While I did get a horse to call my own for a while, it made my friend start feeling like I only wanted to visit to see the horse, which wasn’t true, but that was how she felt. I felt horrible that I made her feel that way. She seems to be doing very well in life, but I always knew she would. She was so much more confident than me. Not to mention she had a family that all liked each other. I loved spending time with her at her house. She had some cute chickens, and her mom was like a second mom to me. I’m just sad that I wasn’t better. At friendship, communication, life…. Everything.

Sometimes I wish I could apologize to everyone who ever met me before I turned 24. I’m so sorry you had to deal with me. I was a horrible human being, and I am deeply ashamed of my behavior. I was trying to be normal, and well…… I’m definitely not normal. And I tried WAY too hard too. I wanted people to like me, and I was afraid if I was genuine and authentic, people wouldn’t like me, and they probably wouldn’t, but still. I’m sorry I was so annoying, weird, sulky, self-centered, undisciplined, dishonest, obnoxious, fake, and a total and utter pig. I ate so much looking back. It’s disgusting. There’s a song called “who I am hates who I’ve been,” and I think about that song a lot. There’s one line that says:

'Cause I don't want you to know, where I am
'Cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been

I hated who I was and didn’t want everyone else to hate me, too, but I probably made them dislike me anyway by trying so hard. There’s another part of the song though, that goes:

Who I am hates who I've been
'Cause who I've been only ever made me
… So sorry for the person I became
So sorry that it took so long for me to change
I'm ready to be sure to become that way again
'Cause who I am hates who I've been
Who I am hates who I've been

Everything I disliked about my life helped make me the person I am today, and I’m grateful for that. I still can’t help but feel embarrassed by having everyone around me watching me fail at life. I tried so hard to be liked and accepted, and my mental health suffered because of that. Ultimately, all I did was bring shame and embarrassment to all those chapters of my life. Once I finally got out of the hospital, came to terms with, and started to understand my feelings, I moved on to my life. It wasn’t just good enough to get better; I had to be the best, or at least that’s what I told myself. If I thought my time at the hospital was tough. Outpatient therapy was a cakewalk compared to trying to get my life in order. I kept making steps though, slow progress but progress no less. But I still wasn’t happy. Until this year.

I didn’t realize what had changed until today: February 8th. I was typing my daily reflection in the mindset app about “what do you owe yourself?” This was my response: I think I owe it to myself to keep getting better and be happy. I always feel like I need to earn happiness. Like, if my room isn’t clean or I get behind with payments, then I don’t deserve to be happy. Or if I’m not eating healthy enough, I shouldn’t be happy. I didn’t realize how ridiculous that sounds until I typed it out, so I hope this year is different and I can be happy no matter what is going on.

I always knew that it was unhealthy to always expect more of myself no matter how much I accomplished, but that was what changed this year. If people don’t like me, who cares. Don’t like me then. If my room isn’t clean, oh well. It’s annoying, but who cares? The only difference between a messy and a clean room is its appearance. This year I finally allowed myself to be happy. Should I clean my room? Most definitely, but I don’t feel like it, and it’s not hurting anything. I’m not only letting myself be happy; I’m letting myself be me. It’s so much easier and less stressful being myself. I can never take back how I acted or what I did, but I can move forward and be better.

I wish I could do it all over again being the person I am now. I am liked by my friends, so who cares about everyone else. That was the worst part. Going into college, I had no friends. Then I tried too hard and annoyed everyone, and a lot of them didn’t keep in touch, and I thought they all hated me. Maybe some of them do, but the truth is some people I get along with really well. We don’t really click as friends, which doesn’t mean I don’t like them, or they don’t like me. It just means we aren’t going to be besties. True friends like you because of your quirks and personality, not despite them. I realize now I can’t hold on to the guilt and shame forever. I may never be able to unfeel it, but I’m allowed to be happy with myself and my life. Not happy about those parts, but they got me to where I am today and made me a better person, and better me should feel happy. She’s come a long way, learned from her mistakes and grown from them. Not only is happiness allowed, but it’s been earned. Who I am hates who I’ve been, but that doesn’t matter because that past version of me is not who I am. 

Who I was, was bitter, angry, sad, confused, and dishonest. Who I am is learning to forgive and not hold grudges so strongly because I’ve messed up too, so it’s only fair if I extend them the same grace and kindness. Who I am is trying to deal with anger more effectively, trying to understand where it’s coming from and dealing with it instead of lashing out at others. Who I am is happy. Who I am is trying to figure things out but acknowledging some things can only be learned by messing up and making mistakes. Who I am is being open and honest with myself and about myself and holding myself accountable for my words and actions. Learning that just because you have a good excuse doesn’t always make what you did okay.

Thank you so much for reading. Don’t forget to click like and leave a comment to let me know what you think. Make sure you subscribe too so you don’t miss out on future posts. I hope you are doing well, and don’t forget to I’m always cheering for you!

Sincerely,
LIBD

healthy wood landscape nature

Cursed

Posted on by Er-Budd

I always joked with my K-pop friends that I was cursed. Every time I like a group, something terrible happens. When everything happened with Ravn, I was like, “Omg, this is all my fault; I should have just left them alone. I made this happen by liking them.” My friends were able to talk some sense into me. And then one of them mentioned that during their concert, Xion(Dongju) said he felt like it was his fault, and he was bad luck, and they sent me the video where he said it, and I’m like, “Juju, no!! I promise not to take responsibility if you promise not to as well.” My close friend made an excellent argument by saying that God won’t punish someone else to punish me. It’s true. He would make it personal, like my computer breaking, getting fired, or something that would send a message.

I still feel like it has a little bit to do with me. When I was younger, like 17, something happened, and I remember I sat on the floor with tears running down my face and said, “It’s okay. I’m miserable again, this is how it’s always been, and this is how it should be.” Looking back, I know there’s a lot wrong with it, but something happened today, and I had that same thought. I’ve always said I hate change, but I don’t think that’s totally true.

During my meltdown, I re-listened to a few episodes of Eric Nam’s mindset and realized that bad things aren’t always bad. Sometimes they are opportunities for growth. I hate that though, and I don’t think people understand why. It’s not that I want to rely on my family forever. I do want to move out and be independent. The reason I don’t like these “opportunities” is because I’m afraid. I’m so scared I will fail, and I’m tired of failing. I’ve already stepped so far out of my comfort zone this year, I’m afraid if I keep going, I won’t be able to find my way back.

People think I blame other people for my problems. I don’t. Why do you think I’m so anxious, stressed, and overwhelmed half the time? Because the situation I’m in now is all my fault. I failed, dug myself into this mess, and everything is my fault. I’m a stupid moron who can’t dig herself out of her own mess…… Thank you for reminding me. People think I don’t want to help myself. Seriously? Do you think I enjoy being an incompetent fool? I also want to go bungee jumping, but I won’t because it’s terrifying, and I don’t want to die. People will accept that answer in that situation. Well, life is scary too! If it isn’t for you, congrats!! Good for you! I’m horrified about the future. The only thing that scares me more than everything that could go wrong is everything that could go right.

People act like it should be so easy. Life is so simple if you just put yourself out there. Well, it’s not. I’m not you. I’m sorry I’m not as amazing as you. I’m sorry I’m not as brave and independent as you. I’m sorry I didn’t make better choices like you did. I’m sorry I suck so bad at life. Whenever I write to you guys, I always try to make sure you know it’s okay to struggle. If I talk about being productive and feeling good and you aren’t. That’s fine. Life is freaking hard. Sometimes it’s downright shitty, and easy things feel impossible. That’s okay though. I will never look down on someone for doing the best with what they have. Even if I think personally, they could be doing better, I won’t push them too hard. Sometimes just surviving is the biggest win. I thought being happy was good enough, but now I’m not so sure.

Some of you are thinking, “Why on earth didn’t you just tell this person off?” Because sometimes people’s hearts are in the right place even if their words aren’t. I try not to get mad when people have good intentions. That being said, I’m ignoring everything. I don’t remember and am not going to reread it. So, if you guys have been in that situation, comfort yourself with encouraging words. Your own words. What would you tell yourself if you were someone else in this situation? Something like this.

“Wow, Erin, that really sucks. I know you are stressing about it but remember to take it 24 hours at a time. I’m so proud of you these past weeks. You’ve been living more and caring for yourself, and you are doing so well. I know you are stressed about bills, but keep working at it, and I know you can get it paid off. If only those bills could have come during the busy season at work, but such is life. You messed up. People mess up sometimes. Don’t waste your time being ashamed; instead, use that time to do something about it. Tackle that first. The rest of your problems can wait. You are doing well, so just stick with it, get the bills paid off, and then worry about the next step. Look how much you’ve achieved in the past few years. Just imagine what you could do with a few more.”

This past year has been stressful, but I can overcome it. Yeah, I got myself into this mess. But Newt Scamander said, “Even if we make mistakes, the terrible things, we can try to make things right. And that’s what matters: trying” I’m trying, and I know I can do it, so I’m going to handle things one at a time. I’m not proud that my life sucks. I’m proud that despite my life sucking and everything that’s going wrong, I’ve found a way to still be happy. I don’t deserve to be miserable. It was a comfortable feeling because I was used to it, but I should feel happy too. And I won’t let anyone take that away from me.

Sincerely,
LIBD

person holding iphone showing social networks folder

Haters gonna Hate, Hate, Hate, Hate, Hate

Posted on by Er-Budd

I’ve noticed something over my year and a half on Twitter. The only thing more effective than love in uniting people is hate. What I’ve noticed about most of the Tomoon fandom (not all. There are lots of wonderful Tomoons out there) on Twitter is that they love to hate. When RBW announced their US tour, everybody hated them for it becuase even though other groups had started touring and all the members and staff were vaccinated everyone was worried still about COVID. When another fandom insults Oneus, people will try to fight that hate with hate. They don’t realize they are making Oneus look bad by acting like that, but whatever. When the whole drama with Ravn started, the entire fandom became one big hate fest. The hilarious thing is that now, their hate for each other outweighs their hatred for the situation. Their hate fest has nothing to do with Ravn anymore and everything to do with attacking people for their personal opinions about their speculations of a story that may or may not be true.

I’ve never seen so many people simultaneously united and divided. The part that gets me is that they are still fighting over it. You know they hate you, and you hate them, so why are you wasting time on each other? I get it. I miss him and want to know he’s okay, but I will respect his privacy while they continue to get to the bottom of the situation. The funniest thing is that most people who hate him and say he’s guilty still refer to him as a potential abuser. Like, they acknowledge that he very well could be innocent but insist we should hate him for what could have happened

I’m not saying everyone who assumes his innocence is in the right, and everyone who hates him is wrong. Lots of people hate things. I hate things. So what makes a hater a hater as opposed to someone who dislikes something. Jeff Foxworthy is famous for his “You might be a redneck” jokes, so I’ll take the same approach with this. If you go out of your way to explain to someone why their opinion is wrong… You might be a hater. If you only care about 2 pieces of information that support your hate and ignore the other 30 pieces… You might be a hater. If you need everyone else to hate this thing with you… You are DEFINITELY a hater. If you spend time arguing over opinions because you feel personally attacked by the possibility your idea might be wrong… You might be a hater. If you have been talking about what you hate for more than a week. You’re a hater; here’s no might.

Why is it, though, that hate unites people so much? We used to be united by a love for Oneus, but now we only care about who agrees with our own opinions. I will admit I got sucked into the drama at first. I didn’t threaten or bully anyone, I just made passive-aggressive comments about how much they care about something they say they hate. Still, I did get a little too invested. About 2 weeks ago, I realized I needed to take a step back from the situation before I became a hater like some of the others. I think it’s because everyone wants to be right. I know people who just can’t bear the thought of being wrong, so it makes sense that people like that would go to extreme lengths to prove that they are right and everyone else is wrong. However, there has to be more to it than just being right or wrong.

Cancel culture has become a very dangerous thing. A comedian I like named Gabriel Iglesias said he almost got canceled over a post he made about how much he liked Chick-fil-A. Everybody immediately started calling him homophobic and other horrible things that weren’t true. Nobody bothered to try to uncover the truth behind the situation. He likes to give shout-outs to the things he loves in hopes of getting free stuff. Who doesn’t love free stuff? Nobody asked him though they jumped to conclusions. I think more than being right, everyone wants to feel like they’re a part of something, and if that something ruins someone’s life… Oh well, I guess. I noticed that many of the haters didn’t even have all the details, but everyone else hated Ravn, so that must be the cool thing to do. What they didn’t know though was that wasn’t the majority opinion. Many people trying to tell the actual facts of the situation and asking people to remain neutral were bullied to the point they made their accounts private or just stopped saying anything.

The part that hurts me most, not just with Ravn but in all situations like that, is that these are people’s LIVES that you are ruining. If you are wrong, “oops, my bad” isn’t going to cut it. ‘Sorry’ won’t take back everything you said or did. ‘Sorry’ won’t give them the life they had before all this. The bottom line is that we need to cancel cancel culture. We need to stop posting about situations we know nothing about. You can’t trust anything you read on social media. It’s not a credible source! I kept asking people which credible source they were getting their info about everything Ravn supposedly did. Every time they sent me links to the mystery account. A RANDOM ACCOUNT CREATED A WEEK AGO WITH NO OTHER POSTS IS NOT A CREDIBLE SOURCE TO SUPPORT ACCUSATIONS OF ABUSE OR ANY OTHER ALLEGATIONS. Y’all have no idea how long I have wanted to type those words.

How would you feel if someone you didn’t know accused you of something you didn’t do, and everyone believed it instantly? If people started bullying you, hating you, and threatening you without asking for your side of the story, would that be okay too? Would you be okay with people you thought you could trust so easily believing you would do something horrible? The part that kills me is that the people I want to ask these questions to will never read this. My only hope is you, dear readers. Don’t be afraid to report social media users spreading hate. I know I can trust you guys with this.

Taylor Swift did say it best, haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate. I always thought that staying out of things was the best way to keep the peace, but that’s obviously not working in this situation. Nobody cares about the truth, and people can be hostile if they feel they may be wrong. What do I do? How do I fix it and help the fandom return to how we were before? Maybe we never will, but I don’t want to accept that. This time I need your advice.

Sincerely,
LIBD

four person standing at top of grassy mountain

Bathroom Dance Parties

Posted on by Er-Budd

What an odd title, huh? I promise it will all make sense by the end. I’m writing this on the last day of January, I think. I don’t actually know what day it is. I was feeling sick this morning, but after a nap, a few good meals, a shower, fresh sheets, and an early bedtime, I hope I’ll be better tomorrow. I finally started working out. I don’t have room for my workout table, so until I can clean and make room for it, I am doing step aerobics and an arm workout. I have discovered something while doing this. I have the stamina of a potato and the arm strength of a baby chick, but that just means there’s nowhere to go but up.

Are any of you familiar with the conqueror challenges? They are virtual journeys. They have actual trails and stuff, but I am currently journeying through Middle earth. I just completed the Shire, so that medal should be coming in the mail sometime this week. Edit: It came! If you follow me on Facebook or Instagram, you saw it a while ago, I love it!!! Anyway, they have an activity converter too, so my step aerobics count as part of the distance. They have all activities on the converter list, including household chores, mowing the lawn, and horseback riding, which will be great for lesson nights. Also, because it is The Lord of the Rings, riding will add some authenticity to the journey. If anyone is interested, it says that this; https://www.theconqueror.events/r/EC9701, will get you 10% off. That’s my referral code, and if you refer 2 people, you’ll get a free challenge. I don’t have a deal with them or anything; I just really love it, and it gives me a reason to be excited about working out. Also, I want a free challenge. They just released Aragorns journey in Return of the Kings, so once I drop the ring into mt doom. I want to do those next.

I also started eating healthier. I have an app where I can log all the foods I eat, to ensure I stay within my daily limits. It’s funny; before, I had tried many apps, habit trackers, or anything to help me be healthier and take care of myself, including a scheduling app. I’m still brushing my teeth AND washing my face every day, and I always snooze my alerts for that stuff. I guess all I needed was to not be depressed anymore. It feels so good to feel good about life. I mentioned in the previous post about the mindset app and how I had started listening to Eric Nam’s mindset, and I’m still getting through it. I turn it on while I wash my face and brush my teeth, and the episode I listened to tonight had a very unique ending. He said every once in a while, you just need to have a dance party and started playing some random dance party music, and I did. I danced along, smiled, trying to apply eye cream while dancing was difficult, but then halfway through, he was like, “… and smile. Smile big. Put the… I don’t know what it’s called the edges of your mouth up”.

Here’s the thing about me. I’m not a smiley person, but I did, and I felt so goofy in my pajamas with my fluffy spa headband on, smiling like an idiot. But once I started, it was hard to stop. I realized I always take life so seriously, but it doesn’t have to be. It can be goofy and fun too. I think that was good advice. I’m gonna try to have dance parties more often. I can’t wait to finish the series. He’s got such a way with words. I love people that talk to you and not at you. That’s how I try to write my blog. I don’t like when people who know everything try to impart all their smartness on me. I zone out. Woosung and Eric talk to you like a fellow human, not as someone who needs their wisdom, even though I’ve found it to be super helpful. It’s hard to describe, but I like that type of communication. Am I making any sense? Oh well, moving on.

Everything is a mess because I’m working like crazy to prepare for the craft event. I’m so grateful not only to you guys, who have encouraged me but to my family members as well. My mom and her husband paid for the business cards I designed. My grandma is offering to buy the tabletop displays, and my dad and his wife told me to make a nice poster/sign for my business, and they would get it for me. I’m still scared, but I’m also really excited. If it goes well, I should be able to break even on my expenses and pay off my credit cards. I don’t have ‘happy anxiety’ anymore. I’m just glad I’m happy and starting to take care of myself and make something of my life which really has been all I’ve ever wanted.

I just realized I’ve spent this whole time talking about myself and didn’t even say hello! How rude of me! How are you? Is anything exciting going on? I hope you are finding things to smile about, but if not, I would definitely give bathroom dance parties a try. If life is hard, remember to be kind to yourself. Take it 24 hours at a time, and if all you do is get through the day, then that is something to feel proud of. When I was struggling, it was so hard, but struggling isn’t a sign of weakness. Like Charlie Mackesy wrote, “asking for help isn’t giving up. It’s refusing to give up.” Asking for help is being strong and brave enough to say, “I can’t go this alone, but I don’t want to keep living like this.” I just made that sound so easy, but if you are a long-time reader, you know what a long road it has been for me to get here. Just remember, you deserve to be happy and loved. Most importantly, you deserve to be able to be excited about life.

I feel bad writing about when I’m happy because I know when I was depressed, I hated hearing about how happy other people are, but just know one day you will get there too. And all the hurt and tears and pain are worth it when you remember what it’s like to enjoy life. Eric Nam talked about “the process” I might have written about this in the last one, but it was a good reminder. Just because it’s not good doesn’t mean it’s terrible. We have to go through difficult times to get to where we want to be. So never give up because you are more than whatever you are going through now. And I’m cheering for you, and I hope you are cheering for you too.

Sincerely,
LIBD

iphone near spiral book and laptop

Regaining Control

Posted on by Er-Budd

Hey y’all! How goes it? How’s the new year treating you? Hopefully you said good, but if not, that really sucks, and I’m sorry your year is going poorly. I hope this blog post can help you. I’ve started writing stuff ahead of time, so I can post more consistently.

I’m writing this on January 24th. Honestly, my year is off to a good start for once. I’m also trying to be proactive, though. I’m trying to keep my mental health in check so that even if it gets bad, I can deal with it without spiraling into depression.

I just told someone I can’t talk on the phone, but I can text. They don’t need to know that the reason why I can’t is that I can’t be bothered. I don’t want to talk sometimes though. I do cherish my alone time. I’m making more jewelry, and I’ve been listening to Woosungs mindest series for the past few days. Mindset is like the calm app but WAY cheaper, and I like it better. Woosung, aka Sammy, is the lead singer/guitarist for The Rose.

I wanna start by saying thank you to Woosung. It’s not easy to be open and honest about your life, but he was, and the things he said helped me a lot. One of my favorite parts was an extra thing he did when talking about dealing with controversy. He said he admired people who were faced with a problem, and even though it was probably annoying and inconvenient, they focused on how they could fix it and go on with their life. He mentioned something that I’ve said numerous times. I say it differently than he does, and since it’s my blog, I will use my own words.

I say this to my coworkers all the time (not out loud, just in my head), “I’m sorry your life sucks, but it’s really not my problem, so if you could just do your job with a smile instead of ruining everyone else’s day that’d be great.” And out of all my shortcomings, that is the one thing I try not to do since I have been on the receiving end. When I’m having a bad day, I leave it all at home. As much as I wish everyone else could be miserable with me, that would make me what Woosung so elegantly referred to as “a negative a** person.” I laughed so hard. I don’t know why I found it to be so hilarious.

He also inspired me to start eating healthy and making a serious effort to care for myself. So far, I’ve brushed my teeth 3 nights in a row and washed my face last night AND this morning, AND I showered today!! I don’t even know who I am anymore. It’s awesome. He said something that normally would have been…. Triggering isn’t the right word; more like, ‘hell no.’ He talked about how if you don’t like something about your life, you can change it, but I looked at it a little differently this time.

In the past, it made me mad when people said that because I couldn’t just stop being depressed, but I realized that wasn’t it. If I don’t like the fact I’m not losing weight, then I can eat better. I’m trying to eat lots more vegetables and cut back on snacks and junk food. Today I had a salad for breakfast and a veggie sub for lunch….. but then for dinner, I had a double cheeseburger, potato teasers, and a hot fudge peanut butter milkshake, but even that is an improvement. He said once your body get’s used to healthier foods, it’s easier to stay away from the unhealthy stuff. And I feel so tired after that dinner, so clearly, it was a bad idea, haha.

If I don’t like my messy room, I can clean it. Still, cleaning is sometimes hard for me, so even if I don’t clean it, I can remind myself that it’s just a room and the mess has no effect on my life despite being a mild annoyance. Sometimes when I’m depressed, it feels like my life is out of control, but that’s not true. Sure, there are things we cannot control, but we can control how we react and deal with those things. When I’m depressed, I can think about how horrible my life is, or I can say to myself, “I’m depressed, and that sucks, so if I’ll I do is watch tv, then I should at least enjoy that.”

I think that’s where I always got it twisted. I try to change situations instead of finding a better way to deal with the situation. I want to hold onto all of these things as the year continues, and hopefully, by the time this is posted, I will still be doing okay. I highly recommend the Mindset app. It has a daily check-in and stories from various people sharing their struggles, things they’ve learned, and how they’ve gotten where they are today. This will sound terrible, but the thing that gave me the most comfort when I was depressed was hearing stories about other people’s struggles. I’m sorry that anyone has to go through difficult periods, but when I’m depressed, I feel so alone. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who feels like that, and if they got better, then maybe I can too. I think I really am this year, but it’s still early, so we’ll see.
Thank you for your reading; please give it a like and subscribe. Comments are always welcome as long as you aren’t a negative a** person. Thank you for the kind comments; it really makes my day! I hope you guys are doing well, and I’m cheering for all of you and wishing you the best. Let’s all try to have a good year and look after our mental health. Thank you to Woosung, the mindset app, all my friends, and all of you readers and subscribers. I’m genuinely grateful to each and every one of you.

Sincerely,
LIBD

#Music Monday (Halazia by Ateez)

Posted on by Er-Budd

Hey, y’all!! How goes it? I told you I was gonna try to be a better blogger this year, and so far, it’s going pretty good. On new years eve, my kpop friend was nice enough to hang out for a bit before going to a party with her family so I wouldn’t be totally alone. We were browsing youtube as we do when we hang out, and I saw Ateez had a new song. This is how it went down, “What’s that?” “Halazia, it’s their new song, kind of a sequel I think to Hala Hala.” I LOVE Hala Hala. It’s my favorite, so obviously, I had to check it out. OMG, the sound, the outfits, Seonghwa’s face, and Yeosangs voice. The building could have caught fire, and I wouldn’t care as long as I listened to Yeosang singing the part in the pre-chorus.

Anyway, I saw a few music show performances, and wow. Seriously my new favorite of all their videos. Non-Kpop people won’t understand this following sentence, but… Ateez came back with this video and were collectively like, “say goodbye to your bias because you’re about to be wrecked.” It was when I was watching a reaction video. They mentioned the lyrics that I realized I was so distracted by the…… well, everything that I hadn’t even paid attention to them. And if I loved it before, I only loved it more after I read the lyrics. It embodied this feeling I have of uncertainty in life, wanting to do great things, wondering if where I am now is a good place to be, which I know it is. It all comes back to the fact I have no idea what I’m doing in life, so how do I know if I’m doing well or not. Anyway, that’s what I got out of this song, so let’s get started.

Oh, light [x3]
Be the light, oh, Halazia
Oh, no, everything has become barren, ooh, yeah
We all try but we lose emotion

I talked about Cats: The Movie before and how much I enjoyed it because the musical gave them nothing to work with. They made a plot out of a bunch of songs that didn’t make any sense, but it was fun, so no one really cared. That’s what life feels like. Like, I’m trying to make a movie out of a bunch of random short stories that really have nothing to do with each other. How do we know if it really means anything?

Getting used to the feeling of losing
Getting paralyzed
In shackled freedom (Yeah)
A small fantasy within me
Oh, Halazia, Halazia, Halazia

Right now, I’m in the stage after depression where you start to feel hope and think, “maybe everything will be alright.” However, I’m still scared cause I’ve wasted so much time and failed so horribly at life in the past that it almost seems silly to hope because I’ve been here before. But then I fell back into old habits and negative thinking.

I want to hear
The sound of love's breath
I want to know
If it's okay this way

Just some sort of sign that I’m going in the right direction. Something to let me know that this is okay and that I’m on the right path. Or that it’s okay to let my guard down and hope that things will get better and that it’s not just some brief string of luck.

[Pre-Chorus]
Mm, the little blue bird that lost its voice
I can hear the whispers
The beginnings of a deep echo
The voice that will overturn the world

The feeling came back again. The little nagging feeling that everything is gonna work out. That little voice saying my life isn’t meaningless after all. That I do have the power to make the world a better place somehow. I want to believe that so badly. I very much want it to be true.

[Chorus]
Hala-hala-hala-hala-halazia [x4]
I can't feel what it's like to be alive
Even now, in this moment
Color this infinitely cold world
Be the light, oh, Halazia

I don’t just want to maybe believe it. I want to feel it. I want it to be true.

Please let me take real breaths
Let me dance a real dance
Let me dream a real dream and
Let me feel all these senses

Right now, I’ve reached the stage I call ‘Happy Anxiety’ It’s when I think about how good life is going and how amazing it could be and feel like I can actually do it. So I start feeling anxious because good things don’t happen to me and living a meaningful life still seems too good to be true. I want it to be real. It’s just a scary thought because the better I feel, the worse I can get.

Even love has been swallowed up
When waves are made
Here in this place
This movement that will last forever

So many wonderful, terrifying possibilities. Sometimes I think it’s better to be depressed because when you don’t hope you don’t get disappointed.

Who are you?
Uh, it's just me, myself and I
Who are you?
Who are you reflected in the mirror?
Who are you?

A while back, I told my friend that hopefully, normal Erin would be back soon because depressed Erin is no fun. It is weird how different the 2 are. Sometimes I feel like being normal and happy is a lot of pressure. I want to be like that, but as I said, it’s scary.

Behind this road lies expectations within expectations
Where do I stand among the next and future generations?

It’s a valid question. Wouldn’t it be nice to have all the answers?

[Insert Pre-Chorus and Chorus here]
The truth hidden in fear
Blooms beyond that
*Distinctly beyond there*
What have we been so silent for?
Who are we in the darkness for?
If one wish could be realized, would you grant me the light?
For hot passion instead of cold despair
I want to feel

This is the part that really got me. Sometimes when I hear music, I can’t describe what it means to me in words because I can tell that the person who wrote the song understands the feelings I’ve been struggling with. I think it makes sense that I would be scared, but I can’t live if I let the fear keep holding me back. Maybe that’s how it is in life. You don’t know in words if you are doing well or not. It’s that feeling I need to follow to get where I want to go. To feel like my life means something. To feel happy and alive, not scared and sad. That’s what I want this year.

Be the light, oh, Halazia
No more, keep control
Halazia
No more, keep your soul
Halazia
No more, keep control
Halazia
Clear the darkness, oh, Halazia
Halazia
Be the light, oh, Halazia

I can’t tell you what Halazia means, but I think I know, even if I can’t find words for it. I hope I can live my life with some Halazia. It’s okay to be afraid as long as I don’t let that fear stop me from living my best life. I really want this year to be different, and I hope it will be. Not just for me but for you guys too. I hope this is your best year yet!

Sincerely,
LIBD

lace appliques on a white sheer fabric

Confidence

Posted on by Er-Budd

So, I recently started selling jewelry. You can visit my store here. In the spirit of making the most of each day and trying to truly live, I applied for a table for a local craft event. Everyone was like, “oh, that’s such a great idea! You can make so much more money in person than online.” I told them I felt like there’s going to be people with way prettier, more professional stuff. They were like, “yours is professional! You’ve already sold quite a bit.” It’s true. I made so many keychains this holiday season. They told me I needed to have more confidence in myself. They say it like it’s so easy to do.

I’m going to tell you guys a secret. Come on, lean in *whispers* I don’t know the first thing about craft shows. I have no idea what I’m doing at all. I’m just making it up as I go along, and so far, it’s been going pretty well but what if I’m just getting lucky? Even if they accept my application and I get a table. I don’t know how to set up a table. I’m not even good at talking to people. This is different from work, where it doesn’t matter. This is my hard work that I’m displaying to a bunch of randos! I don’t know how to talk to people. All I know how to say in a conversation with strangers is, “hi, what can I get for you today. Would you like American, provolone, or pepper jack? Lettuce, tomato, or cucumber? Will it be for here or to go? Did you want any chips, cookies, or drinks?” NONE of that will help sell my jewelry. My mom said she’d help me run my table if I get one, but I feel like that’s gonna turn into, “can you take care of this? I’m gonna go cry.” I’ll make sure I bring my anxiety medication.

So, when someone tells me to have confidence, it’s like, “I would love to; however, I know me, and that’s precisely why I’m concerned about the whole situation. It was so much easier when I didn’t do anything. If I don’t get accepted or they are out of spots, I’ll be more relieved than disappointed. But like, if you had seen me interact with people, you would know exactly why I think this is a bad idea. What if it falls over. What if I sell someone something, and it breaks? What if I knock something over and embarrass myself? How on earth can you expect me to have confidence?

And then selling, should I box things up? What if I sell a lot? Boxes aren’t cheap! What if I do that thing where I say something and don’t realize how horrible it sounded until I have already said it? I talk when I’m nervous and do not have a good talking filter. There’s going to be awkward eye contact. I hate eye contact. Why is that a thing? Like talking to a rando isn’t unsettling enough, and I have to look them in the eye too?

So, to the people who told me to have confidence, my response is this…. Confidence? What that? It sounds like fun. Because the thing about confidence is that I have none. Okay, that’s a lie. In my comfort zone, I have confidence for DAYSSSSSS. Because the thing is, my jewelry is an extension of my personality and creative tastes, and I’m proud of it, and that’s the problem. If people hate it, then in a tiny way, they are saying I suck.

I want this to be a legit job, selling jewelry and blogging, but the path to getting there is terrifying!! I don’t want to leave my comfort zone. It’s so comfy!!! Life is so hard. I know these are just lame first-world problems, but they are MY lame first-world problems, and they are valid, so don’t judge me.

Sincerely,
LIBD

opened book and black pen

Outro

Posted on by Er-Budd

Wow, have we reached the end already? What did you think? Was it good? I’m still trying to figure out life, but aren’t we all? Sometimes I think I have all the answers, but that will never be true. The more I learn, the less I know. I learned a lot writing this series, and there’s not much else to say. I hope this is a good year for all of us. Each new year is a new start, but so is each day. Let’s try and enjoy each and every day this year to the best of our ability. Thank you so much to everyone who read this series. Thank you to everyone who has like, commented, and subscribed. I know I’m not the most consistent blogger, but I’m going to try to be better this year. That being said I have no idea what I will write next, so just follow me on social media to find out what I’m up to in between. I think I’ll do what I do best and leave you with a quote.

To those living in the moment, with all of my sincerity, I wish you the best of luck. Because this is everyone’s first life

Because this is My First Life