Hey everyone!! How’s it going. I feel like I’m always working lately. It’s insane. I finally had a day off and have taken a break from playing Superstar Ateez (I’m on a one-way train to Atiny land) just to get caught up on posting. I wrote this on a pretty meh day, so get ready for a change of emotion.
Sometimes there are no words to describe a feeling. I’m mad, but I really shouldn’t be as angry as I am about the thing I’m mad about. I’m sad, but there’s no reason for me to be sad, either. I’m worried even though I’m sure it’ll all work out. What’s the word to describe all of that at the same time? I don’t like it when I can’t find words for my feelings. As a blogger, it’s particularly upsetting because I use all the words I know to try to convey my thoughts as I write. Sometimes Grammarly will try to give me better words to use, and sometimes I allow it. Usually though, I ignore it because the “better word” is a different word, and a different word isn’t the most accurate word to express what I am thinking.
So what do I do when the word I need doesn’t exist? I can’t accurately explain my feelings because there aren’t always words. The Mindset app told me that my feelings don’t have to make sense to be valid, but it’s easier to deal with emotions when they make sense. When I tell a story or express a thought, I think very carefully about how to write it so that the person reading or listening knows exactly what I’m talking about. I could just say Sunshine is my favorite horse, but then you might think she is my favorite horse in the same way blue is my favorite color. Blue is just lovely to look at and has so many wonderful shades. Sunshine is also lovely to look at, but I want you to know she is my favorite horse because she’s sassy and reminds me of me. Sometimes she drives me crazy, and sometimes she’s an angel, but I feel like I get her, and she gets me.
So that’s why I can’t bring myself to simply write “I feel lost” because while those words are probably the best ones I can use, it’s what’s behind the feeling that that is the real problem. Happy, sad, and excited bummed are all just words by themselves. If I want the person reading to truly feel those words, I need to express the cause of the feelings. If I say I’m excited, that could be because Oneus has a new album coming out. It could also be I just landed an AMAZING job. It could also mean I’m going to see my niece soon. That’s why words are so important to me. Even if nobody wants to listen, I will get to process and experience feelings and situations to make them more than just a word or a solitary generalized thought in my head.
But perhaps not all feelings can be perfectly described. Forever unknown to even myself, it’s still real, but it’s hard to deal with something I can’t understand. I think I heard somewhere that feelings were meant to be felt. Perhaps I should just let myself feel even if I can’t quite pinpoint what it is. I can’t control my feelings, but I can control how I react to them. I can allow myself to make peace with not knowing because, ultimately, no amount of words, or lack thereof, will make the feeling any less real. It’s hard when I’m at a loss for words because I feel like I can’t truly accept something if I can’t make sense of it.
There are lots of things in life, though, that don’t make sense. Theorems from geometry class, for example. Just because I don’t understand them doesn’t make them less real. But honestly, Geometry was one class, and I’ve never needed to use it since, so I never let it bother me. This feeling is temporary, and sometimes all you need is a good night’s sleep, so I think I’ll give that a try.
Words are like a pencil or paint for an artist. Artists (not that I would know I suck at drawing) don’t just start drawing lines randomly and hoping it will look half decent when they are done. I’m assuming they have a picture in their head, and they use their tools to make it real and tangible for not only themselves to admire but others as well.
I hope that even if this is the only post you read, you won’t be bored to tears by it. I’m no artist, but I want people to understand me. I can’t control what people who read this will think, but whatever you think, I’ll know I need to respect it because you are basing your opinion off of something honest, even if you hate it. At least I won’t have to worry about being misunderstood.
I once said that I would much rather someone dislike me confidently than like me vaguely. You’ve at least given me the kindness of listening so I can respect your opinion even if I don’t like it. I don’t know if that made any sense, but sometimes things don’t make sense, but I’ll understand because I know myself. I know my thoughts and feelings. Maybe people won’t always understand, but that doesn’t matter because it’s my life and my story, regardless of whether or not it makes sense to anyone else. It’s valid because it’s true to me, and that’s something that no one can take away from me.
Well, this was short, sweet, and to the point, and it almost feels like a waste of time, but I’m desperate for something to post, so instead of throwing this in my blog post graveyard, I’ll post it and hope no one reads it. I hope you are doing well!
Sincerely, LIBD
No Words
