Author: Er-Budd

photo of person wearing neon green socks

Here, Now

Posted on by Er-Budd

Hello world!!! I’ve been decorating my car with cute kpop and BT21 decals. I’m not done yet, but I’m having fun. I am officially a 2 job person. 10/10 do not recommend, but I don’t really have a choice. I’m always tired, or sore, or angsty. I’m hoping I’ll get used to it soon.

I saw this movie a long time ago and loved it so much that I bought it as soon as it was released. It’s called Next Goal Wins. It’s about a soccer team that is bad, like REALLY bad. Not just “haven’t you ever heard of forward passing bad,” but atrocious. They lost 31-0, and I googled it in the theater because I didn’t believe it, but it’s true.

There’s a conversation near the end of the movie that really stood out to me. The coach (Thomas Rongen) will be C, and the guy he’s talking to (Tavita) will be F since he’s the head of FFAS…

C: What is it with you? Why are you always so positive? It’s sickening! You should coach them. They believe in you.
F: They believe in you, but you have to show them who you are!…  Ever since you got to our island, you’ve been somewhere else. Even now, you’re somewhere else. Maybe it’s in the past because you thought you were happier then. But I think you could be happy here now! But you’ve got to be here now.
C: I can’t win.
F: Then lose. But don’t lose alone; lose with us. And there’s always the second half. That’s another chance

Much like Mr. Rongen, I’m not a happy person. I also find excessive positivity sickening. It’s obnoxious sometimes, but I would never say it to someone’s face like he did. It’s funny because, with as much guilt and shame as I feel about the past, the thing I regret most is not appreciating how good I had it. It’s very unfortunate that only hindsight is 20/20. I often don’t realize the good in my life until it’s gone. Then I feel bad that I spent all that time worrying and being ungrateful when I could have just been happy.

I like the part when Tavita says, “Then lose. But don’t lose alone. Lose with us”. It reminds me of that quote from Ted Lasso when he says,” There’s only one thing worse than being sad, and that’s being alone and being sad.” They still had a second half to play, unlike Ted Lasso’s team, who had already lost.

I remember one time, Tottenham was losing 2-0 with only 15 minutes plus added time, and I decided to stop watching. Then, I got a notification that they scored. Then I got a notification that they scored again, and they ended up winning the game 3-2. I gave up before the game ended and missed an action-packed ending because I assumed there was no way we could come back from that with 15 minutes left. Now, I always watch till the end.

Sometimes in life, it feels like I just can’t win no matter what I do, and it’s easiest to just give up. 2 weeks ago, Tottenham played Man City, and it was a fabulous game. Not because we won. We didn’t, but it was a fantastic game because Tottenham refused to go down without a fight, and they fought till the very last second.

I’d seen them win games in which I couldn’t for the life of me figure out how they won with how poorly they were playing. This loss was still a win in my book. Back to the movie though. Soon after the conversation, the coach tells the players that they have reminded him that he’s always loved playing more than he loved winning.

When I got back into horseback riding after a long time away, I started out on this fantastic gelding named Jack. He was an absolute gem for me. I never understood when I saw other riders struggling to get him to listen. He was always an eager-to-please type of guy for me.

After my 3rd lesson, my instructor asked me how I liked Jack, and I told her, “He does everything I ask him to with no hesitation and no protest…” After a moment of silence, she asked if I was getting bored and wanted more of a challenge, to which I agreed, and that’s when I met Sunny.

She dumped me in the dirt on my second ride. I took a few months of some rocky rides and a few lessons in which neither me nor Sunny had a good time. But after we got used to each other, we became besties. She also listened very well, but there was always a bit of protest or hesitation to keep me on my toes. There was never a dull day with Sunshine. I hope if I ever get my own horse, I can find one like her. I haven’t seen her in at least a year, and I miss her so much.

I would give anything to go out and ride her again. I’ve always been what psychiatrists like to call a black-and-white thinker. I see no gray area. Things are either good or bad, and if it’s not good, then it must be bad. If my life isn’t great, then it must be horrible, and my psychiatrist has tried to explain gray areas to me, but I just don’t get it.

I think the coach in the movie had the same problem as I did. He knew what life was like when it was good, and since it wasn’t like that, then it had to have been bad because it obviously wasn’t good. I think I kind of get gray areas now.

One thing I’ve learned from Tottenham is that you can play great and lose, just like you can play poorly and win. I have to ask myself if I want to win or if I just want to play a good game. You can’t win every game. Even Argentina, who won the World Cup, lost one of their games. Manchester City lost to the Wolves this past season, which must have been a real embarrassment because they finished on the top of the board (The Wolves did not). You also learn more through losing than through winning. So if good isn’t always good and bad isn’t always bad, then maybe life just is.

I don’t know if this made any sense to you. I apologize if it was confusing but thank you to everyone who stuck with it until the end. What are your thoughts? Feel free to leave a comment and let me know. I’m trying really hard to stay consistent with my posting schedule, so I’ll see you in two weeks…… Lord willing, and the creek don’t rise, or however the saying goes. No, I’m not crazy; people do say that.

Sincerely,
LIBD

lemon photo on person s thigh

When Life gives you Lemons

Posted on by Er-Budd

Hello again. How are you? It should be well into summer here by the time this gets posted. I’m doing better. I’m the proud owner of my mom’s old car, so that’s exciting. I had to get my own car insurance, which was an experience. Still no luck in finding a new place though, so it looks like I’ll be staying with my dad for longer than I hoped.

It’s so weird going from constantly walking on eggshells at my mom’s house just waiting to be yelled out for stupid stuff to just living my life. I keep waiting for them to get mad at me for something, so it’s going to take a while, I think, for me to stop being so on edge all the time.

I’m returning to Subway a few days a week to earn extra money to save up. Never thought I would be a 2-job kind of person, but when life gives you lemons…. Oh look, I magically managed to perfectly segway into today’s post. Let’s get to it then, shall we? Many of you are probably familiar with the phrase, ‘When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.’ Others might prefer one of my favorites, ‘When life gives you lemons, throw them at people,’ but I’m here to talk about a phrase you likely haven’t heard.

If you are one of my regular readers, you may remember I’m going to see AJR in June. I wrote a Music Monday a few years ago for their song 100 bad days. I could write about many of their songs, and maybe I will…. But today, I am referencing a line in the pre-chorus of their song ‘Break My Face.’ I’ll post the song at the bottom; it’s a real gem. The line is pretty simple. It says

"What doesn't kill you
Makes you ugly
Life gives you lemons
At least it gave you something."

I love this because I’m tired of hearing that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. It may be true, but I don’t feel stronger right now. I feel ugly. And that may not be true, but it makes me smile. Now, let’s get into the second half. This is so true. If life gives you lemons, you can decide for yourself if you want to make lemonade or just throw them at people. But at least you have lemons.

Lemon also tastes really good on roasted broccoli; mix it with some lemon juice and lemon zest, and you’ve got something good. But you could be stuck eating plain, boring roasted broccoli or just water, or you may not have anything to throw at people.

Life has given me A LOT, and I mean A LOT of lemons. Like if you need lemons let me know, I got you. At first, I wasn’t sure what to do. I knew I was NOT in the mood to make lemonade, and I’m not one to throw things at people. But at least I had something, and it took me a bit to realize it. My entire life became a massive trainwreck, and I felt so hopeless. Lately, I’ve realized I need to just be grateful that at least I have lemons.

A long time ago, I talked about a Korean drama I watched. One of the quotes I shared at the end was something like, “There is no comfort in knowing things could have been worse. Misfortune is just unfortunate.” That may have been true in the beginning, but eventually, there needs to come a time when you have to be grateful you’ve got lemons. It could have been worse.

My dad and his wife didn’t have to let me live with them or help me get my own car and insurance. There are some parents who aren’t that nice. The ladies at my church didn’t have to help me box up all my stuff when I was too upset to even think about boxing it up. When I had a major meltdown, my dad didn’t have to drop what he was doing to come pick me up and take me out to lunch. We didn’t leave the restaurant until we made a plan, and I no longer felt like my life was spiraling out of control.

This song and another song of theirs (Steve’s Going to London) can almost always cheer me up because they are just random and ridiculous in the best way. But we are talking about this one, so I will go ahead and share the Chorus.

Okay, so if I break my face
And I don't look so great
My face is just my face
Okay, so if I break my face
It ain't my darkest day
My face is just my face
I'm okay

Now, remember it’s taken me about a month to get to this point where I genuinely feel this way. When shit happens, it’s totally normal to feel hopeless or pessimistic. It’s actually very important to allow yourself to feel this way. During my meltdown, I remember the lady from my church who was there with me telling me to go ahead and feel however it was that I felt.

Only by acknowledging those feelings can we begin to heal; even then, it’s much easier said than done. Sometimes, it feels like life comes along and punches you in the face, but modern medicine has come a long way. I may be ugly now, but my face will heal, and then I’ll start washing it again. After a while, it will look even better than it did before. Plus, life gave me lemons, so at least it gave me something.

It’s not like when someone dies. No number of lemons is going to bring them back, but no one died, so I’m sure it’s not my darkest day. After all, my face is just my face, I’m not dead, and this is not going to permanently disfigure me, so while it may be scary and uncomfortable…. I think I’ll be okay. I might feel bad again, and that’s okay. Bad things that may not seem like a big thing to someone else can still be traumatic to the person experiencing it. And trauma takes time to heal.

Thank you for reading, and remember, this is just my perspective on what I’m going through in life. If you can’t relate, then I’m sorry I couldn’t be of more help, but that’s fine. Misfortune is unfortunate, and it’s important to process all our emotions, good and bad, before we can start healing. Also, don’t be afraid to ask for help because you have people in your life who want to help. It may not seem like it, but it’s true, and I would not have made it this far without all the people who have helped and supported me through this.

Remember, I’m always cheering for you, and I’ll see you in a few weeks. They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, but I don’t believe that. I think we are all stronger than we can possibly imagine. We just have to believe in ourselves and remember how much we already have overcome when we didn’t think we could.

Sincerely,
LIBD

abstract painting

#Music Monday (Doubt by Twenty-One Pilots)

Posted on by Er-Budd

I was sitting in my car today, and this song came on. It was a better day for me. I go back and forth between “I should just kill myself” and “Nah, I think it’s going to be alright.” It’s exhausting, but I’m still here… obviously. I hadn’t heard this song in a while, and I forgot how much I loved it.

I don’t really know how to be a Christian. Most people read their bible. Job and Eclissastes are pretty great (especially if you are depressed), and I have read it, but I don’t get those magical revelations that most people seem to get from reading their bible. Most of my prayers are like, “Hey God, I know you are probably busy, but…” I’m amazing at praying for others though. Personal prayers not so much, and that’s why I relate to this song so much I think. 가자!! (Guess who found her Korean Keyboard!!)

Scared of my own image
Scared of my own immaturity
Scared of my own ceiling
Scared I'll die of uncertainty

I’ve always been scared. Of everything. When I have to go talk to someone. I always ask someone else to tell me what to say. I’m terrified everyone can see my gray hairs. There’s like 6 of them now. So naturally, you can imagine the absolute horror I must have felt when my entire life had changed all at once. I feel like Stede in Our Flag Means Death when Izzy says,” I think you’re amazing, fascinating. I’ve never met anyone with such a total lack of skills. How you are still alive, I cannot say” just like Stede, I also ask myself that question daily.

Fear might be the death of me
Fear leads to anxiety
Don't know what's inside of me

If you could die from fear and anxiety, I would have been dead a long time ago. Alas, it does not kill you. It just eats you alive from the inside out until you can’t even think straight. Thank God for my anxiety medication. Also, friends. They’ve been amazing through all of this. It still feels a little bit like the universe is out to get me, and who runs the universe? That’s right, God. Then I wonder, “Is this because of that time in kindergarten or any of the other thousand mistakes I’ve made.” Maybe it’s because I don’t read my bible enough. It’s so boring, though, and how much do I have to read before my life magically gets better. That’s why I love this song.

Don't forget abou-bou-bou-bou-bout me
Don't forget abou-bou-bou-bou-bout me
Even when I doubt you
I'm no good without you
No,No

I know God is probably a busy otherworldly being or presence, and let’s be honest… While my life may feel like a catastrophe, there are actual wars going on and people with far more significant problems. I doubt God a lot. Not doubt that he’s there, although I do have moments I wonder why I believe. I doubt that he cares. I doubt that he listens to my prayers. Maybe he’s got bigger fish to fry. Maybe someone prayed that my soccer team would have a terrible season, and he’s preoccupied with fulfilling that request. I’m kidding; I know that’s not how it works. Well, I don’t know, but I would assume not.

Temperature is dropping
Temperature is dropping
I'm not sure if I can see this ever stopping

The difference is, I was scared to get a new job, but that happened in a week. A stressful week, but still just a week. I was scared to move away for college. I didn’t die, and then I got used to it pretty quickly. With this, though, I don’t see an end. I’m buying my mom’s car tomorrow, but that’s just one piece. I got a loan so I have to pay that back, and then I still have to find a place to live. This could go on for OVER A YEAR!! 미쳤어!!! Which is Korean for “how could I not lose my mind.” Not really, that’s how you say ‘it’s crazy.’ If you put a question mark at the end, it means, ‘Are you crazy?’

Shaking hands with the dark parts of my thoughts
No, you are all that I've got

Literally could not have described it better myself. I did a Music Monday for their song car radio a while back. This dude really has a way with words. I’m trying to ignore my dark thoughts, but they come and go just like emotions. So perhaps I should just accept them and remember they will pass. No matter how bad it feels.

No, don't forget abou-bou-bou-bou-bout me
Don't forget abou-bou-bou-bou-bout me
Even when I doubt you
I'm no good without you
No, no, no, no, no

It says God is there for every single person. He’s always with you, but I can’t see him and can’t talk to him. So how does that classify as being with someone? I know I’m not that great. I should be nicer, give more, be more grateful… It’s so hard though, and I’m not a nice person. I’m also not a happy person, so I can’t blame God if he happens to overlook me. As I stated before, there are worse things in life. But if you think I’m bad now, just imagine if I wasn’t a Christian… I’d be such a Karen. I’m no good without him… or Oneus. Part of me thinks God brought Oneus into my life to have people who bring me joy and hope that I can both see AND hear. AND HIGH FIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bro!!! I high-fived Xion AND Seoho, both of them!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH. I went to see Oneus in Kentucky, but shit hit the fan on the way home and permanently tarnished this beautiful memory. 

Gnawing on the bishops
Claw our way up their system
Repeating simple phrases someone Holy insisted

I just want to know that he hears me and cares because sometimes it just feels like empty words. I don’t sing much at church either. You can say I don’t try, but no matter how touching or true the words are, I just don’t get them. You should make a joyful noise to the Lord, and I do that every day on my way to and from work. Today, this was one of the songs.

Want the markings made on my skin
To mean something to me again

I got a tattoo a long time ago. The design itself was chosen because it’s a girl in the rain, and there’s this song by The Rose called She’s In The Rain. There’s a line that says, “It’s better to be held than holding on.” Above the design is the word Incomplete because of the Oneus song by that same name. The chorus translates to “It’s okay, even if it’s not perfect.” Lately, I’ve been sad when I see it because it doesn’t give me hope. It doesn’t even give me comfort. I want to hope again. When I saw Oneus perform, they did their song Life is Beautiful. I am not going to lie; I was kind of irritated by it because things were already starting to go downhill, even before the concert. But there’s one part where Xion sings, “Even if things don’t turn out the way you want…. Life is Beautiful”, and I am always reluctantly comforted by those words.

Hope you haven't left without me
Hope you haven't left without me, please

Don't forget abou-bou-bou-bou-bout me
Don't forget abou-bou-bou-bou-bout me
Even when I doubt you 
I'm no good without you, no
[x2]
No, no, no, no

So, if I could tell God something and know he heard me, I would say this… I’m not the best. You know I’m not. Not the best Christian, the best receptionist, or the best human. Right now, I don’t even think I’m the best Erin, but I want to be. Please don’t leave me behind. Please don’t forget about me. Sometimes I doubt you, but we both know I’m no good without you. I won’t get an answer (I’ve specifically asked him not to appear to me like the people in the bible because I know it would freak me out. Honestly, who wouldn’t though).

Thanks for reading; I hope this wasn’t too long. This doesn’t feel that spectacular, but being a Christian isn’t about feelings, which kind of makes me feel like what’s the point, but that’s just because I’m in an angsty mood right now. I have a lot going on, but maybe you do too. If so… well, whoever figures out the magic cure first can share with the class haha. Wish me luck, pray for me, send me positive vibes, or whatever it is you can offer. I hope it wasn’t too boring. I’ll see you in 2 weeks!

Sincerely,
LIBD

cardboard gift box with postcard on table

Little Victories

Posted on by Er-Budd

This was written back in January or February. I’m not sure how it got missed, anyway, enjoy this throw back to a time before my entire life got flipped upside down. Too bad I’m not going to live in Bel-Air. Get it? Like the theme song from Fresh Prince? No? Never mind let’s just get on with it.

So, the strangest thing is happening to me. I’m feeling proud… of myself. I know, right?! Is this how confident people who know their worth feel all the time? Because it’s better than chocolate-covered graham crackers. I love it. No, I’m not sick or dying. Okay, I am sick right now, but it has nothing to do with this, and I’m getting better. Here’s what went down.

My coworker had asked about my jewelry. So today, after a work meeting, I got home. I sent her a picture of some of my new bracelets and the link to my shop so she could see other items. Now, the thing about telling people about my little, tiny business (It’s not a small business, it’s a tiny one right now), is that I pray to God they want to get in on it and buy something. People rarely do. 2 of my friends are my best customers, and also the only reason I haven’t given up. But I obsessively checked my shop anyway, and she did!!

I was rushing around trying to find the 2 items. I was so excited like, “I’m going to put the earrings on the bigger display card, so they ship better.” Rushing around, trying to find my tissue paper and stickers to wrap up the bracelet. All nice and neat and sealed with a shiny sticker. Meanwhile, my brain is like, “This is happening! This is really happening!” Like that famous GIF from the office. This was a nonfriend or family customer. This was what I had been preparing for. Getting my label maker and padded envelopes… It was amazing.

I got everything nice and neat. Ran my polish cloth over the earrings and threw in my business card with the thank you card. I often write something on the back, but my writing is shaky and sloppy right now. I’m still recovering from a sinus infection, so I’ve been a little off my game because antibiotics always make me blah. Especially at work, where I write more than usual. You can guess I’m more of a typer, obviously. I can type without looking at the keys on my computer and my phone. Anyway, I’m getting off-topic.

So, I make sure the envelope is sealed up perfectly, and then it happens. Look at me. Fulfilling an order for a business, I started. I know it will probably be my only order for a while (I was right. Ever since then, the craft show was my only other sales.), but I’m doing it. I’m running a tiny business, which makes me happy doing it (the most recent craft event was my most successful yet). And I was like, you know what, today had some ups and downs, but I’m going to take a minute and be proud of myself and what I’ve accomplished. I spent so much money starting this business with so few sales. I’m really just trying to break even and have it as a hobby on the side now that I have a full-time job.

But my blog, my jewelry. So, what if it’s tiny? So, what if it’s not super successful? I made it all by myself. The way I wanted to. And it’s working at least a little bit. I was starting to think I was an idiot, spending so much money on a business that wasn’t going anywhere, but it is. And I’m hoping more people will order, the more they get comfortable with how my shop works. But I’m doing it. That thing that I was jealous of everyone else for doing. I may not be great at it, but today, I proved that my stupidly stubborn attitude is a gift. I refused to let it be a failure, so I kept trying. I’m still trying. But tonight, I was successful. I don’t want to talk myself up too much until they receive it (they said it arrived safely and they love it). It feels good to be able to sit back and say, “I’m doing this. All by myself. And I’m doing good.”

Edit 4 days later: I figured it out. Apparently, the steroids I was taking for my sinus infection can affect people with bipolar disorder, causing sudden highs or lows. Man, there is nothing like a bipolar high; it’s fantastic. But you could probably tell that from the post. Then I crashed and hated my life after, but it was nice while it lasted. I talked it out with my therapist, and now I’m feeling back to normal, just like she said I would. Thanks for reading. Why would I write this? I’m basically shoving my happiness in other people’s faces. I hate that. This is why we take our meds, kids. You often don’t realize that they are working until they aren’t.

Sincerely,
LIBD

orange fish underwater

Angry? Me? Never!

Posted on by Er-Budd

So, when I was talking to my psychiatrist, we started talking about anger. It all started when I talked about something I was mad about, and I told her about this personality test I took. My friends were able to fill it out too, and when talking about anger, they ranked me much higher than I ranked myself. One person put me all the way at the “most described” end of the scale. I don’t get angry, though. I may get mad and angsty, but I don’t yell at people. Then, I learned that anger doesn’t always look like that.

She talked about something like low frustration tolerance. The name is pretty much the definition, but you can look it up. She said most people who experience it have a more explosive type of anger, while mine is just a severe irritation. Then I remembered all the times I’d vented in all caps, yelling in my car at people who couldn’t drive. How one thing can happen, and I decide my entire day is ruined. Venting out loud to nobody is another good one. The way I can hold a grudge FOREVER if I so desire. That’s right mom, I haven’t forgotten that time 7 years ago when you said we could go to Outback, and then made other dinner plans with my brother and his girlfriend. My brother’s girlfriend broke her leg, so we didn’t end up eating dinner anyway. Maybe she wouldn’t have hurt her leg if you kept your promise and rescheduled with them.

I know, I know. She could have broken her leg anywhere that day, but it was in our yard, so….. My mom doesn’t read this, so please don’t tell her about it. She loses her mind when I bring it up. Like I said, though, I’m not an angry person. Sure, there was that time I couldn’t open that 20oz of cherry coke, so I used cuticle scissors to stab a hole in the top of the lid big enough to put a straw into. Anyone would be angry if they spent 10 minutes trying to open a bottle of soda. Maybe I overreacted a little, but I think it was more determination than anger. Determination is a valuable trait. When I can’t find something, I just say it’s lost and decide to buy a new one. I don’t buy a new one right away, so what if I cried about cheap earbuds. I loved them, and that’s sadness, not anger.

After thinking it over and talking about different things, I accepted that maybe I have a low frustration tolerance. However, I still wouldn’t consider myself angry. Then I got quietly furious at the shoe store because they had the box in the wrong spot and did not have that shoe in my size. After that, I was like, “Okay, I can see why it may appear to others as if I have anger issues.” Today though, was the icing on top of the cake, or the lid on top of the cup. I was at a drive-through, and I have a system. I give them my payment and they give me the drink. Then, I unwrap the straw and put it in the drink. Then i accept my receipt and my food. Same routine every time. I love it! Today, however, there was a glitch in that routine. I went to put my straw in the cup, and it just bent a bit. I tried again, and it bent again.

I could have tried the other end of the straw. I could’ve waited until I got my food and then pulled to the side to give it another go. I could’ve even stuck my pinky in the hole, as I sometimes do as a last resort to bend the little triangles where the straw goes. That’s not what I did. After only 2 tries, I shove my thumb where the straw should have gone, and broke the lid. Then I got even more furious when some of it splashed out because they picked today to fill it all the way up. As I was driving away, I could no longer deny that I am a very angry person.

She recommended finding something to help release stress and anger. Since screaming into a dark, endless abyss was unrealistic, we settled on darts and screaming into a pillow. I don’t scream or yell, though; I’m not sure I remember how to. Maybe I’ll look into other techniques. Breaking things would be fabulous, but those places cost money. Perhaps if I let myself be angry sometimes, I wouldn’t get mad about every little thing. I guess I know what I’ll be talking about at my next session. I still don’t think I’m an angry person though. Angsty, most definitely, but not angry.

Thank you for reading. If anyone has any strategies for coping with anger, feel free to share it in the comments. I’ll see you in 2 weeks!

Sincerely,
LIBD

book on wooden surface near a candlelight

The Reluctant Fight

Posted on by Er-Budd

Hey, everyone! Today’s post is about a favorite quote from “The Lord of the Rings.” I’m finding it hard to stay positive because things are tough right now, but I know it’s important to focus on the good and keep hope. I’ll also share a funny encounter I had with someone at work that reminded me of the importance of persisting even when it’s hard. Despite the challenges, I’m committed to seeing things through, even if I’m hesitant about it. I know I’m late I’m not sure what happened with my scheduled posts. Anyway, I think that’s a sufficient amount of small talk to begin this post.

“It’s like the great stories, Mr. Frodo, the ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were, and sometimes you didn’t want to know the end because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad has happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing this shadow, even darkness must pass. A new day will come, and when the sun shines, it’ll shine out the clearer. I know now folks in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn’t. They kept going because they were holding on to something. That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo, and it’s worth fighting for.”

So… I am not okay right now, but I saw Hot Topic has a Lord of the Rings line now. After some browsing, I saw a shirt with the last sentence of this quote on it. So here we are. I’m moving out, and it’s way more challenging than I could have imagined. I had a major panic attack just packing stuff up. There was talk of going back to the hospital because it really was THAT bad, but now I’m at my dads’. The problem is every time I go back to my moms to pack more stuff up, I just start freaking out again.

I’m so tired. Today, after stopping by my mom’s, I had a few other errands to run, and Kota was with me since they were quick stops. After the last stop, I told her it was okay, and we were all done, and then I was about to say, “We are going home,” but we weren’t. We don’t have a home. I’m halfway between houses now, and as great as my dad has been, it’s not my house or even my room. I don’t see an end in sight. I try to stay positive, but…… how could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad has happened? I don’t know. I don’t want to feel like this forever.

I wish I could go back. You have no idea how much I wish I could go back. It’s so hard. I don’t want to get out of bed. I don’t want to do anything. There’s that tiny voice in my head that says I could just die, and I wouldn’t have to deal with any of this. If I did that, though, everything I’ve ever written would be for nothing. How can I prove to others it gets better if I give up. Psychiatrists say that you should want to live for yourself and not for others, but they really ought to just be happy we are still alive.

I don’t think I have much else to say right now. I thought I had already gone through the worst life had to offer, but little did I know the worst was yet to come. There’s some other stuff going on, too, but I don’t have the energy to go into it now. I want to believe that there’s some good left in my life, but I’m not sure. I suppose it would be worth fighting for if there is, though. There was a resident at work, and I passed her in the hallway, and here is the conversation that followed…

Me: Do you want to go eat? I can take you down to the dining room.
Her: Okay
Me: Starts wheeling her to the dining room
Her: No, I don’t want to go up and down this hall all day
Me: it’s just at the end of this hall.
Her: Well, that’s fine if you want to go there, but I want to go to the dining room.
Me: Yeah, that’s where we are going.
Her: Oh okay. *We get to the dining room* Why are we here?
Me: It’s time for lunch. Did you want to eat something?
Her: How much is it?
Me: It’s free, so do you want to eat something?
Her: *sighs* Well…. I suppose I might as well then.

This made me laugh when it happened. I kind of get it now though. I suppose if there is some good in this world, it would be worth fighting for. So, since I’m already here, I may as well just see it through. Much like her though, I will be doing so with the utmost reluctance and will not enjoy it even the slightest bit. Until next time…

Sincerely,
LIBD

peanut butter container beside pile of bread

Mastering the Perfect PB&J!

Posted on by Er-Budd

So, you may have noticed this from the title, but I have officially run out of ideas. However, I am determined to keep up this posting schedule. I have had disagreements on this subject. I will write about the best way to make a PB&J. When I’m done, you can comment to let me know why I’m wrong, or let everyone know that I am, in fact, right. Let’s go!

So, to start with, you need 2 slices of white bread and ideally 3 knives, but if your mom is like mine and gets angsty about you making extra dirty dishes, I’ll help you out. First, you need to lay the pieces of bread side by side without touching each other. You are going to want to use strawberry jelly because it’s the best, but grape is also acceptable if you hate strawberry. You’re wrong if you hate strawberry, but that’s a post for another day.

You will want to make sure the entire slice of bread is covered with jelly, edge to edge. To ensure it’s perfect, you have to make sure it doesn’t have pieces of fruit in it. Or at least not big pieces. Be Careful not to skimp with the jelly, but don’t use too much, or it will overpower the peanut butter and mess up the ratio. You are now done with knife number one. If you are using one knife, you need to rinse it off and wipe it dry with a paper towel. Then, we move on to the peanut butter knife.

On the other slice of bread, you will add your peanut butter edge to edge. Like with the jelly, you want to ensure it’s not too much or too little. The more you make it, the easier it will be to get the perfect peanut butter to jelly ratio. Make sure it is evenly spread across the bread so you will get the same amount with every bite. Now we are finished with the peanut butter knife. If you’ve got an angsty mom who gets mad about extra dishes, you’ll want to rinse and dry it again. You might need to use hot water and scrub with your fingers to get the peanut butter off. If not you can go ahead and grab your last knife.

In this next part, you must be careful. Put both slices together, making sure the slices of bread are lined up perfectly so you get the peanut butter and jelly slices in every bite. We take our final knife and cut the sandwich diagonally to make 2 big triangles. If you try to eat it whole, or as 2 rectangles it will not be as good. Be gentle when you slice so you don’t get the PB&J all messy on top along the cut edge. It looks unsightly and attractive. Now, you can eat your masterpiece. Never, EVER, put the peanut butter and the jelly on the same piece of bread.

It is the perfect way to make a PB&J. You’re welcome. I know how many of us lay in bed at night agonizing over the perfect way to make this classic sandwich, so your sleepless nights are officially over. This was so stupid, but like I said, I’d love to hear your opinions in the comments. Shout out to those who have left comments. They really make my day, and I genuinely appreciate it. Also, in the comments, let me know if you want me to tell you how to make the perfect grilled cheese. If you actually made it to the end, then you rock! I hope you had a great day, and I’ll see you in 2 weeks!!!

Sincerely,
LIBD

close up photo of a sand dollar

The Art of Being Human: Finding Freedom in Embracing Imperfections

Posted on by Er-Budd

Hello world!!! That was too much, wasn’t it? Seriously though, how goes it bro? Do you mind if I call you bro? Maybe I should just stick to y’all. Anyway. I’m slowly learning how to use AI, so my titles don’t sound as ridiculous. I’m still going to have to come up with an alternate title for the table of contents to save space. Honestly, I’m more concerned about this part anyway. I hope your year is going well so far. You’re very quiet. I’ll just skip to the reason we are here.

I’ve been complimented on how open and honest I am about my flaws and shortcomings. I’m always worried that if people discover the real me, they will be disappointed or dislike me. Does it matter? No. But it matters to me. Online, it’s different. You can write or rewrite and have much more control over how others perceive you than you do in real life. A lot of people use this to filter out the bad and only display the best of the best. I object to that, and I’m gonna tell you why.

My main problem is. No one’s life is great all the time. People don’t wake up beautiful or spend their lives on the beach with a halo of sunlight surrounding them. I don’t care who you are that’s not realistic. I find it to be dishonest and misleading. Do you know how annoying it is seeing how happy everyone else is? I’m over here convincing myself to put my computer aside for 5 minutes to do laundry. Let’s see what others are up to on Facebook. Wait here.

I’ve been spending years carefully crafting my Facebook feed, so all I see are cute cats, puns, and lots of pretty horses, and my dad is preparing for a presentation he’s giving about wolves tomorrow. Yesterday however, I saw someone showing off their new horse. So many people with their horses. I see people getting married, and I’m here on my couch. Still not doing my laundry. People are allowed to be happy though, and there’s always people on the other end of the spectrum too. I’m sure you’re familiar with that one person who likes to post vague statuses or constant pity party posts. The kind of person who has probably maxed out their victim card.

Life is hard, you are allowed to be sad, but you don’t have to constantly post about how much it sucks. Just how you should celebrate life’s happy moments. Still, I can only be happy for you for so long before I get annoyed. That’s not their fault though. I recently discovered that I have anger issues. If you are trying to become an influencer though, I think you are doing a disservice to your followers by only letting them see your best moments. I can’t be the only one who was once looking forward to eating a microwave pizza until I dropped it, burnt my finger on the sauce, and started crying.

I think one of the significant causes of depression is that people believe there is this ideal life that is totally attainable. If they aren’t living that life, they think they are doing something wrong. Everyone has cried over pizza at some point in life. It may not have been pizza, but I’m sure you can recall a moment when one small thing was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Part of my problem is I’m not a happy person. I hope one day to be, but that time is not now. You would hardly ever hear from me if I only posted good things. The other reason is that many of my real-life friends read this and know the truth. Even if I could lie to you guys, my friends would know better.

The main reason, though, is that misery loves company. When I feel like shit, I find it very comforting to know that someone else is in the same boat as me. It makes it feel less scary to know that you are not alone in your feelings. No one can understand your exact situation, but it’s nice knowing everyone goes through hard times. I’m honest and open, hoping that someone somewhere will read a post and find comfort in knowing they are not the only ones struggling.

There’s one more reason that I try to be honest and authentic. It’s hard to explain, but let me use something similar. Sometimes, if I do something particularly nice, I’ll ask the person not to tell anyone. I’m not a nice person, but I’m not heartless. Depending on the person or situation, sometimes I’ll help someone out as long as they don’t tell because I can’t have people thinking I’m nice. You see, when you are nice, everyone expects you to be nice to them. When you put your foot in your mouth, you look even worse because you’re supposed to be this lovely person. If people don’t expect much from you, it one; makes it so much more meaningful when you do help. And two, you can do good things without worrying about people expecting it.

Now, I would like to go on record. I’m not hiding anything; I’m genuinely just this bad at cleaning and taking care of myself, but by being real honest, it makes the posts more genuine. When I do write something happy, it means more because I don’t often write happy posts. My good days mean more when I think of the bad days, and my bad days mean less when I think of the REALLY bad days. Judge Judy says it’s easier to tell the truth because you don’t have to think as hard. When you lie, you have to try to remember all the lies, and I can’t be bothered with that.

When you are your authentic self, there’s a feeling of relief. You don’t have to constantly be on guard and make sure that you are only showing your best self. You can just live. And yeah, not everyone will like you, but some will. And the people who do will appreciate you for the real you, and you can just be yourself! You don’t have to do anything. I only know because I tried it in college. I worked so hard to do the right thing and say the right thing to make people like me, and I was miserable. Not only was it exhausting, but the friendship did not last after college. It’s so much easier to just be you.

Thank you for reading; that’s all I’ve got. No magic cure or anything special. I still need to work on being comfortable with my authentic self, but that’s a tale for another day. I’m watching Judge Judy while writing this. I used to watch it almost every day after school. Thanks for making it to the end, and please leave a comment to say hi. Just so I know you’re an actual person and not a robot reading this. I get quite a few robot views, but I want to know how many humans read this. Don’t worry; I would die before I allowed robot tests on my blog. Views are views, and I’m shallow like a kiddie pool. I’ll see y’all in 2 weeks.

calm body of water

Almost Over by Aquilo

Posted on by Er-Budd

The song title may be confusing. This is the end of the series; it’s over; it’s just the song that’s Almost Over. I’m sorry my jokes aren’t on point right now. I can’t believe I wrote and scheduled all of this in 36 hours. I’m sorry I have to brag about that. Moving on, I shared this song on Facebook a long time ago when it first came out. One of my friends commented that it was really dark and depressing. I don’t think it is. I find it to be a very comforting song. I like songs that don’t tell you how or what to feel; they just make you feel what you are feeling. Whatever that emotion may be, and sometimes you just need to feel.

For all you know, we're broken pieces
I'm finding it hard to live
With something that won't last

It’s times like this that make me wish I never got better. It never lasts, and it makes times like this feel even worse. Even if I clean something, it will probably just get messy before I clean something else. Happiness doesn’t last, so why do I want to feel it again so bad? Maybe I’m just stupid.

For all you know
You're still my weakness
I'm finding it hard to
Fake a smile that I don’t have

It may be hard to fake a smile, but I am an incredible actor. No one has any idea that I’m dying inside. As I said, it’s not their problem, and it’s not like they can wave a magic wand to make it better. There’s no sense telling them; if I did talk to them about it, I would say…. “Just tell me I’m gonna be okay. Tell me I don’t suck.” Even if they told me though, it’s hard to know if people are nice to you because they believe it or they are trying to be nice. Maybe I’m just not nice.

[Chorus] Hold on
I've got a feeling like this is almost over
Hold on
I've got a feeling like we're almost done
We don't need this anymore
We don't need this anymore

Not only do I not need this. I don’t have time for this. I’m supposed to be getting my room clean. Saving money and praying every day that this one apartment I want will open up and my brother will still want to be my roommate until I get used to living on my own. I can’t be like this forever; I just can’t. Is this madness really almost over? Maybe that’s just wishful thinking.

We're both waiting for the moment
When one or the other
Cuts the light and locks the door
But in this limbo where we're frozen
We're not going anywhere
We're not who we were before

I hate how accurate that is. I hate being stuck in this in between. I’m not going anywhere; I’m not who I was before. Granted, who I was before wasn’t amazing, but this Erin is useless. 10/10 do not recommend. Maybe my psychiatrist is right, and I’m just spiraling.

[Chorus]
I've given everything [x3]
And it's over
I've given everything [x3]
And it's gone

It’s hard to explain that I’m trying hard when it doesn’t look like I’m trying. That’s the other reason I don’t like people to know. They’ll tell me what to do. They’ll tell me to shower more often and wash my face so I’ll feel better about myself. They’ll tell me to clean my room so it won’t constantly stress me out. They’ll tell me to just do one little thing every day so it’s not so overwhelming. Maybe they’ll tell me to eat ice cream and cry. The last one might actually help me if it didn’t make me feel like I’m not trying to be healthier. Do you think Incompetent? Don’t you think if it was that easy, then this series wouldn’t exist? Maybe I am Incompetent.

Hold on
I've got a feeling like it's almost over
Hold on
I've got a feeling like we're almost done

In the intro, I mentioned the book series that inspired this series. I’m sure the children in the story felt this way. Like surely, this awfulness can’t continue. I have to think they often hoped it was almost over, and each book did end. Each ending was just another calm before another storm. I don’t think any of the children had a major depressive disorder. Although surely that level of trauma would have a massive effect on someone psychologically. Maybe they were stronger than me.

We don't need this anymore [x4]
Hold on
I've got a feeling like this is almost over

The books get longer as the series goes on. The stories of the three siblings always got worse and worse until it suddenly wasn’t. Like I said in the intro, I only just finished book one, but maybe I can learn something. Misery loves company and all that. Even if this season of my life is almost over, I won’t know until it happens. I guess I’ll just hold on. I don’t have a feeling like this is almost over, but that doesn’t mean anything. Maybe one day, my life that’s so horrible will just suddenly not be horrible. Maybe it is Almost Over.

Thank you for reading. If anyone else is struggling, I hope your hard times are also almost over. Until then, all we can do is hold on because holding on is better than nothing. I wish you all the best. Stay safe, stay well, and let’s keep our fingers crossed for a better tomorrow.

Sincerely,
LIBD

brown padded chair

It Gets Better by Dotan

Posted on by Er-Budd

Hey guys. I hope this month has been treating you well. I don’t think I’ve ever written this many Music Mondays in a long while, so there probably won’t be many more once this series ends. I know, I know, I’ll shut up. This is another comfort song of mine. I try not to listen to it unless I’m having a horrible day because it’s a bit of a downer, but driving home from my friend’s house last night, it felt right. I had a great time, but then I had to go back to my life, and the feeling hit me once again.

There's paper peeling off the walls
I see the paint from yesteryear
We try to cover up the past
But tiny secrets still appear

I remember this time last year, I was doing great. I was ready to face the world. My mental health was probably the best it had been in a long while. I don’t know what happened to that girl. I really miss her. I’m a mess, my room is a mess, my head is a mess, and my future is uncertain. I feel like I’m falling apart, and there’s nothing I can do except watch it happen.

So please don't say it gets better
It gets better, it gets better on with time
I'm not better
We're not better, even after all this time

I keep waiting for it to get better like it always does. But it isn’t getting better. If anything, I feel like I’m getting worse. Things are more complicated. I feel like mentally, I’ve taken 20 steps back. I miss feeling good. I miss feeling hope. You know how I love to talk about my favorite soccer team. Their story for this season is pretty similar to mine. They started off strong. Things were really looking up. We lost Harry Kane, but we don’t need him anymore because we’ve got James Madison. I could have sworn this would be our season. But between injuries, suspensions, and a few bad calls, it went downhill really fast. We don’t even have Sonny because he’s playing in the Asia Cup, and we are playing Man City next. I’m not getting my hopes up, even with our new recruits.

The kitchen floor's a checkered board
We've tried to end this game for years
The tiles are cracked, the color's changed
The battleground is all but cleared

I realized that having depression is a lot like having the kind of muscular dystrophy I have. It could be worse, so I shouldn’t complain. But it’s almost cruel in a way. In terms of MD, I’m close enough to fine that sometimes I almost feel normal. Then something happens, or something hurts, and I’m slapped in the face with my limitations. Depression is similar. I don’t always feel depressed. Last night, I cooked some meals and watched Our Flag Means Death with my friend. It was so much fun; we laughed so hard, and I had a great time. It reminded me of when I was happy and doing good. At that moment, I thought I was, but now I’m back home, and I kind of want to cry. How on earth can I be so great and suddenly so awful. If I was depressed 24/7, it probably wouldn’t feel as bad.

So please don't say it gets better
It gets better, it gets better on with time
I'm not better
We're not better, even after all this time
Caught in the cobwebs
Memories linger in these rooms
Under the floorboards
Sweeping the stories we outgrew

I know part of it’s my fault. Messy space=messy head=messy life. I can’t bring myself to clean. I told myself this year that in between work days when I have time off, I would pick one thing and do it. So why haven’t I? All of this combined is reminding me of before, when I was really bad. I always write about how it’ll get better because it always does. This time feels different, though. It should be better by now. I should be better by now. But I’m not. If anything, I’m worse.

It's not a place to call home
Just a place we've been for years
The garden weeds have overgrown
We've overstayed our welcome here

This describes my living situation. I still live with my mom and her husband. I kind of feel like I have. It’s mine, but not really. I wanna have my own space that’s all mine. I’m worried I’ll let it fall into disarray like I have here. Will I ever be able to move forward? Get out of this place. Somewhere where I can just be. I want a home. My home. I don’t want to worry about people being mad because I don’t come upstairs to talk or worry about forgetting to say hi or ignoring someone because, honestly, I don’t want them there. I just don’t know if it will ever happen. Why should I move out? Just so I can go make a mess somewhere else? Just so I can be a mess somewhere else?

So please don't say it gets better
It gets better, it gets better on with time
I'm not better
We're not better, even after all this time
It gets better, it gets better
It gets better, it gets better on with time
I'm not better
We're not better, even after all this time

Even after all this time….
If you haven’t listened to this song, you totally should. It’s a great crying song, and just a great song to sit and feel. Life sucks sometimes, and some things won’t ever get better. Not after all the time in the world, but there are a lot of things that could potentially change. As to whether or not they actually will….. Time will tell, I suppose. Don’t forget to check my Instagram for the final song in the series. Hint: If you liked this one you are gonna love the next one

Sincerely,
LIBD