Hey guys. It’s been a long day, but I promised every other week, so here it is. I’m too tired for chit-chat today, so let’s get right into it. You are probably familiar with a song called As It Was by Harry Stiles. If you aren’t familiar with it, let me refresh your memory…
In this world, it’s just us
You know it’s not the same as it was
In this world, it’s just us
You know it’s not the same as it was
As it was, as it was
You know it’s not the same
Today’s reflection on Mindset was “What have you lost interest in lately.” Honestly, it was hard to put my finger on it. Surely I haven’t lost interest in life, but what is it specifically. TV? Not really. I do enjoy watching a good tv series or movie. Horses? Nah, I may be allergic, which might put a damper on it, but I love it all the same. Work? No, if anything, I want more hours. But something was off. Then it hit me. K-pop. It’s practically just a tiny corner of my mind these days. Which means all the leftover space is filled with nothingness.
You’re probably sick of hearing me talk about Oneus, and honestly, I was struggling before the rumors about Ravn started. Oh, by the way, he’s started posting again on youtube and stuff and seems to be hanging in there, so I’m glad to hear that. My favorite thing about K-pop and Oneus specifically was that they brought so much brightness into my life. Oneus and us Tomoons were a big, mostly happy family. Sharing memes and watching the hilarious content they would post on youtube. I could wake up on a shitty morning and say, “I’m gonna make it through this day for Oneus. I’m going to make them proud”. They don’t even know I exist, but it meant something to me.
Waking up at 5 in the morning to vote or watch music shows to see if they would win…. I hated it as much as I loved it. Helping out with voting and streaming drove me crazy some days, but I didn’t want it any other way. Oneus had helped me so much mentally and learning to be okay with my own life that early mornings, all day streaming, and routine voting were the least I could do to give them back everything they had given to me. Then we did, and it was the best feeling in the world. Oneus and Tomoons proved ourselves as a force to be reckoned with, and I was so excited to see what their tour and opportunities in the new year would lead them.
Then, overnight, one fake made account and a rumor were all it took to bring it all crumbling down. It was really hard for me. Watching the fans fight with each other, seeing the awful things they said about Ravn, and then they took his name out of the fan chant, and that’s when I think the fire died. I wanted to fix it, so I tried hard to support the remaining members and silently support Ravn, but there was so much hate, and people were so cruel. The magical world of Tomoon just slowly crumbled until there wasn’t much left.
I’m happy to know Ravn’s okay, but I don’t want him to just be okay; I want him back. I want everything to go back to the way it was when my life was bright and exciting. The hardest thing about being a kpop fan is that all you are is a fan. I’ll never know how they really feel about fans after everything that happened. We’ll never know if their words are true or just what they are contractually obligated to say. More than feeling sorry for myself, I feel sorry for them.
Not just Ravn, but all of them. Because above all, kpop is simply business, and the part of their lives that we see is them working. And you know what I say about working… You not getting paid to be happy; you’re getting paid to do a job with a smile on your face and bitch about it in your own private time. They meant so much to me, and they still do, but I just feel devastated whenever I think of them. Because it will never be the same as it was. And if he goes solo, is that his choice? If I join the group again, does he want to?? After everything Tomoons did. They made me so happy, and I want the same for them. Like with most jobs, I’m sure they knew what they were signing up for, but so do people in the veterinary field, and it has one of the highest suicide rates of almost any career.
Even at Subway, I know people are going to be rude or bitchy sometimes, but that doesn’t make it any easier to have them standing there loudly complaining about things to my face. There’s talk of them having a new comeback soon. I don’t think I’ll get up at 6 to watch the music video as soon as it’s released; I don’t think I’ll have alarms set to make sure I vote in all the right apps at the right time. I don’t know if I’ll wake up early to watch music shows live. Seeing them win was so exciting because it made me feel a part of something.
I don’t think the issue was that I lost interest in K-pop or Oneus. It’s just that what I loved so much and what brought me so much joy doesn’t exist anymore, and I’m trying to settle for what’s left, but it’s just not the same as it was. It’s heartbreaking. Sorry, this was so depressing, but it’s how I feel, and maybe I’m silly or immature, but I lost something that was precious to me. It may not mean anything to you, but it meant a lot to me, so I’m allowed to be sad.
Sincerely,
LIBD
