First of all, Happy New Year!!!!!! Secondly… Did anyone appreciate their childhood as much as they should of? I didn’t. I just wanted to grow up as fast as possible, so I could become a famous singer or inspirational speaker. In the last post, there was that quote about a star pocket, and I think a lot of my best memories were not necessarily my childhood but when I was younger, at least, lol
Staying up late at night Imagining all kinds of settings
I used to imagine I was in Eragon, The Chronicles of Narnia, or the Lord of the Rings, fighting fantastic battles and defeating evil. I’ve always been an introvert. When I was younger, I didn’t have many friends. So, I would imagine myself in my favorite books or movies with my favorite characters going on epic quests across magical lands. Those were the good days. Which is pretty pathetic since it wasn’t real, but that should tell you how exciting my life was.
Dreaming 'bout my life Everything seemed so possible then
I would watch America’s got talent, and I was sure one day it would be me. I’d sing, shock the entire world with my talent, and become a famous singer. Or an actor. Either would have been fine, haha.
Now I don't even dream Sick of feeling low again, mhm
After a while, the disappointment weighed me down to the point where I was just like, “That’s it. I’m never going to amount to anything.” That was why I tried so hard to achieve happiness. I figured if I couldn’t reach my actual goals and dreams, then surely happiness was a reasonable goal.
Saying that I'm the one Thinking the world revolved around me
I thought I was special. Like I was destined for fame and fortune and could change the world. I still forget sometimes that the world doesn’t revolve around me.
Hoping for someone To come and save me from this story
No one is coming to save me though. This isn’t how my life was supposed to go. I don’t know what I was expecting but definitely not this.
Now I don't even lean Sick of waiting on my dreams
My dreams are more like just a nice thought now. A fun side story to distract me from all…. everything. I waited long enough for my dreams, but at the same time, what have I got to lose? If my life sucks, I should at least be able to dream that one day it won’t, even if that day never comes.
Don't forget when you were a child Even when time passes Let it stay in your mind
My brother once convinced me to eat grass when I was really little. I remember fishing with my grandpa, sparklers, and fireworks on the fourth of July. The sweet feeling that came with summer vacation and those months with no school to worry about. No bills and no job, and I still wasn’t happy. Funny how our perspective changes over time.
Don't live your life like you have a thousand years Ready for you to waste your time on regrets Don't you ever You will never
Even if I can’t follow my dreams, I shouldn’t continue to live in regret like I am now. I don’t have 1000 years. I’ll be lucky if I get 85 more. I’ve wasted enough time, but how do I change it?
Don't forget The dreams you had on your mind Don't question yourself anymore Even if the world pollutes you Don't let yourself be robbed Of the pure innocence of childhood
Why do I keep talking about dreams? The theme is youth and Time. As a child, I wasn’t waiting for life to be worth living, I just lived, and it was…. Not horrible. It’s no wonder I’m so miserable when all my focus is on what I think needs to happen instead of just living and making the most of each day.
Don't forget when you were a child Even when time passes Let it stay in your mind Don't live your life like you have a thousand years Ready for you to waste your time on regrets Don't you ever You will never, no
No wonder I feel like I’m running out of time. I’m not living; I’m just waiting for a reason to start living, and I don’t need one. I need to live and focus on being present in each moment to make the most of it and not let time slip past me. I will run out of time if I wait for my life to be complete. Like Oneus says in their song incomplete, “It’s okay even if it’s not perfect.”
Should've never given up Should've never said "I can't" Judging me for who I am Should've never listened, no Should've followed my own dreams It's better late than never, yeah, yeah
It’s not too late though; I’ve still got plenty of time. I have to remember that having dreams is never about success vs. failure. It’s about hope. Hope that one day it will be okay. I shouldn’t give up because I have possibilities. I shouldn’t let my current life situation beat me down. Just because it’s a bad day doesn’t mean it’s a bad life. I may not be where I want to be, but I’m here and going to make the most of it.
Don't (Don't) forget when you were a child (Forget when you're a child) Even when time passes Let it stay in your mind Don't live your life like you have a thousand years Ready for you to waste your time on regrets Don't you ever You will never, no
I think that’s why I didn’t worry about whether or not I would amount to anything when I was younger. I had my whole life ahead of me and was busy making the best of my current situation. The only thing that changed was that I gave myself a time limit and expectation, and since I didn’t meet that, I felt like it was meaningless. As I write this, I’m living my dream right now because I’m doing what I love and enjoying it. This chapter of my life may not have been what I was hoping for, but there are many more chapters to come. It’s not what I imagined my life would be at 27, but for a 27th year I’ve never lived before, it wasn’t that bad.
Cats…. Even though they eat the same food, live in the same house, living each day the same, they don’t feel depressed or bored. To them, time is only the current moment. ‘Because I’m 20’ ‘Since I’m 30’ ‘Because soon I’ll be 40’… The only species that confines itself to partitions of time like that is humans. Only humans attack age as a weakness and spend money on it, and it causes them to spend emotions…. 30 years, 40 years, for cats it’s the same thing every day.
Because this is My First Life
This show was super funny. It’s called Because this is my First Life. I can really relate to this though, and when I heard this quote, that was the moment this series was born. I don’t know if I’m the only one who struggles with this or if everyone does, but we don’t talk about it because we can’t do anything about it. It’s a fear that is totally paralyzing sometimes. I wrote about this before, but I feel like no matter what I do, I’m still not…. Succeeding, I guess, but there are many more quotes from the show that we need to discuss too.
The world is not going to get better. That also means my life is not going to get better. I should be living to avoid the worst thing that could happen tomorrow.
I didn’t just love how much I could relate to these characters but also that these were the type of people I would be jealous of. I would see them on social media and wish I had my life together like they did. Yet there they were. One of them is living their dream with the disappointment that it isn’t what she thought it would be like. He had his fancy job and apartment but wasn’t really living. It was crazy to me that someone could have a life like that but feel the same things I was feeling. This brings me to another quote.
It looks like everyone is trying really hard, but no one knows whether they’re getting closer to achieving what they want.
They were indeed trying hard, but that just made it worse because she worked so hard, but it wasn’t what she was expecting. Even though it was her dream, she still wasn’t really happy. I feel that…
I think I’ve already become a failure in this life, but I’ll try my best.
I think that’s the key. Not the being a failure part, but the trying our best part. I think we need to get rid of our expectations of happiness or “success.” That’s what got in the way of their own happiness. They put such high expectations into their ideal lives, and when they finally achieved them, they didn’t feel the excitement and joy they thought they would. I don’t know about you, but I know I’m guilty of thinking I can achieve happiness. We can achieve our goals, but happiness doesn’t need to be achieved. It can happen at any time. The problem is I miss it because I am so focused on what I need to do to be happy that I fail to notice the happiness around me in my current life.
It’s important to take care of your star pocket… Sometimes there are moments that sparkle. Whenever that happens, don’t let it get away. Save them in your star pocket. That way, when things get tough or when you get tired, you can take out a star and find the power to get through it.
What’s in your star pocket? In mine is me and my friend watching parks and rec clips or kpop videos and talking and laughing until my face hurts. Or when I fell off of Sunny and lay in the dirt wondering if that was what it felt like to truly live. Feeding the Giraffes at the zoo. I forget about all these things because I’m so focused on what I think I need to do to feel happy.
It’s not what I imagined my life would be at 30, but for a 30th year I’ve never lived before, it’s not that bad.
Honestly, they’re right. We don’t have an instruction manual or guide about how to do life. Considering I’ve never been 27 before, I think I’m doing okay. It’s not what I thought it’d be, but I don’t know what it should be like either. It’s never happened before. So, let’s try not to be too hard on ourselves. Let’s avoid getting so caught up in this idea of success that we forget what’s happening around us. Let’s learn from our pets and focus on making the most of the current moment. As I said before, those characters were the kind of people I would be jealous of, but they were just as much of a hot mess as me and you. A hot mess with a lovely apartment and a cute cat maybe, but still. I love my basement and have a cute dog, so we are even. I’ll see y’all on Monday!
Welcome to my new series: Youth! I’m gonna be real with y’all. I can’t be inspiring anymore. So no more posts like that, at least for now. This is gonna be sad, depressing, and boring just like the rest of my life, so buckle up buttercup, and let’s get caught up. How am I doing? I’ll tell you how I’m doing….
My dog had surgery 4 months ago, which I think you knew, and the lump they removed was cancerous, but they got it all, so while it may come back, she’s all good now. So, I’ve got that lurking in my mind, and I’m drowning in debt because of it. I was starting to get my card paid off, and then I bought 2 very expensive and rare K-pop albums that set me back again. Then my dog had problems with her eyes. After 1 trip to the emergency vet, one follow-up, and about $100 worth of medication she was finally starting to get better. Now however, I think she losing her sight because she’s majorly disoriented sometimes and I need to help her get on and off furniture. You are probably thinking, “Wow, that’s a lot.” Well guess what!? I’m not done yet!! Then someone started a rumor about Ravn from Oneus. He left for the sake of the other members, even though I don’t think he did anything wrong. And even though they said they are taking legal action against the person who started the rumor, we are still waiting for the investigation results. So that was 3 days of crying, but I’m still not done. Then I went and got bloodwork done.
Turns out my cholesterol was slightly outside the normal range. Not enough that my doctor was worried, but enough that she didn’t want it to get any worse. So, I can’t even eat the sadness away. I need more hours at work because I want to get my own car, but it’s the slow season at work. Sunny messed up the pole bending pattern at riding lessons in both runs the other night; Ravn’s not coming back. People on Twitter are acting like immature children, and they aren’t even part of our fandom, so idk why they even give a shit about the situation. They must feed off drama or something. It’s uncalled-for, disgusting, and inexcusable behavior.
And I’m still depressed because my thyroid level was off. But since that can cause anxiety, depression, and tiredness, they don’t want to change my other meds till it’s normal, which makes sense, but I hate it. Then I joined a dating app, but I deleted it 5 days later because honestly, how can I even think about dating at a time like this!!!!! I was watching Susan Boyle singing I Dreamed a Dream, and a few spots stood out to me, so I decided maybe it was time to get this series moving.
I dreamed a dream in time gone by When hope was high and life worth living…
Then I was young and unafraid And dreams were made and used and wasted….
But there are dreams that cannot be And there are storms we cannot weather I had a dream my life would be So different from this hell I’m living So different now from what it seemed Now life has killed the dream, I dreamed
I Dreamed a Dream
So yeah. That’s how I’m doing. Anyway, here is a quick summary of this series. Starting with a k-quotes that I totally forgot about and am now super excited to write. Then a music Monday for the song Childhood by The Rose. Followed by the main post and finishing with an outro just like a proper K-pop album. I’ll see you guys soon!!!
Hey guys!! I’m finally back! If you follow me on Twitter, you will know that Oneus got 4 wins!!! I wanted to make them cry, and we did, lol. Now they have a total of five. The Music Bank win was emotional for all of us. I don’t think there was a dry eye among Oneus or Tomoons. Anyway, even more, exciting K-pop news… The Rose is back!!!!!!! After a long, long time, they are back with a light stick, a tour, and a brand-new album!!!! Y’all, this album……. Damn. It’s soo good, guys, literally soooooo good. I listened to it all day the day it came out over and over and over again. If you haven’t figured it out by now, this post will be about their new album, so I would like to dedicate this post to them.
For the longest time, I thought if I could just get my life together, then everything would be okay. Once I got a job and my license and learned how to make phone calls without having a panic attack, I thought that would solve everything. I even buy my own groceries, just like a real adult. Which is why I think I was feeling so depressed. I had marked off my entire to-do list, but nothing changed; I still wasn’t happy. That magic feeling that I was hoping to feel never came.
The day the album was released, I started listening to it right away. The title of the album is Heal. I cried a bit; the lyrics were so honest and comforting. I’ve always said their music feels like a warm hug, but it was especially true with this album. I could quote 2 paragraphs worth of song lyrics like I did on Twitter the other day, but I won’t. Which means you will have to go listen to all the songs yourself. There was one song I kept coming back to, and it was their song, Cure. The one part I just couldn’t get out of my head goes…
"I just wanna feel the world Around me more and more Cause everybody fears the one The one thing they can't cure Just tear the page Spoken parts Broken pieces of our hearts To find a way to heal the world Without a single word Recover us"
It reminded me of a line from another song that I realized is no longer stuck in my head now that all these new songs have taken up residence. It was a line from the song ‘All our Lives’ by Andrew McMahon. It says,
“There are only two mistakes that I have made. It’s running from the people who could love me the best and trying to fix a world that I can’t change.”
All our Lives
I wanted to fix my life. I tried to fix everything around me, hoping it could fix everything inside of me. I thought if I could just get my life together, then I would be better, but that isn’t how it works.
No amount of outward success can heal me on the inside. I think that’s where healing starts; the inside. You can stand under an umbrella, but it’s not going to make the rain disappear. Healing is tricky though. It’s hard accepting your mistakes, forgiving yourself, and learning to love the person I am. A person whom, by the way, I’ve been at odds with for my entire life. Part of it is that I don’t know how to forgive myself. I don’t know how to make peace with myself and appreciate myself as I am. Someone close to me just told me that I don’t care enough about other people and only put myself first. My friends assured me they were being ridiculous, but they weren’t totally wrong. I am self-centered. When I go out of my way to do stuff for other people, it’s exhausting. I’m not good enough to be proud of myself.
I feel so stupid when I make the littlest mistakes. I’m so good at giving advice and so bad at taking it. These are the things I’m talking about though. Even if I have a fantastic job, get married, and have my own house. None of that is going to fix the storm going on within me. I want to like myself. I want to not be so critical and hard on myself. There’s a part in another song on the album called Time, which goes like this…
Time will heal us Oh, know the healing won't be overnight Countless nights crying over mights Oh yeah, know the healing will take time Start dealing with it now.
That’s why I want to start dealing with it now. I need to make peace with myself if I want to be the best I can be. It might take time, but I’ve got the part about countless nights of crying down, so I guess that’s a good start? I ordered their album. I hope they included a step-by-step guide to healing. It’s funny that the girl who spent the last 4 years in therapy doesn’t know how to heal herself. Maybe I’ll ask a psychiatrist at the next appt. It’s getting late though, so I better get some sleep.
Also, I’m going to try to get started on the next series soon. I’ve got a plan; I just need to start writing, so keep an eye out for that. I hope you enjoyed this, and please listen to their album and pay attention to the lyrics. I hope it can comfort any of you who may be struggling just like it did for me. I hope you all are well, but that’s okay even if you aren’t. I’ll be here cheering for you, so let’s all do our best this week. I would like to point out that I didn’t tell you to have a good week; I said let’s do our best. That means even if your week isn’t good, it doesn’t have to be bad, either.
That was very cryptic, I know. Thank you so much for reading. Please like, subscribe, or leave a comment. I know I say I’m not nice, but that’s just because I know a lot of nice people. I also know a lot of not-nice people, and I promise I’m not that bad. Also, I’m shallow like a kiddy pool, so comments are almost as exciting as receiving a surprise gift.
Hey everyone. It’s been a while, but I’m sad again, so here I am. I love Anson Seabra’s music, and I’ve wanted to do a #MusicMonday for one of his songs for quite a while now. It’s been a rough few days though, and I think I finally found the one I want to write about. I’m not going to bore you with my problems just yet, so let’s dive right in.
Same ceiling, different dayI'm awake so stay on my phone for 14 hours again
Same lucky charms in the same bowl
Look for rainbows but all the colors just go grey in the end
I don’t know what’s wrong lately. Maybe I’m overreacting. Perhaps I’m just more insecure than I care to admit. Every day seems like the same struggles that get harder and harder to ignore. I used to not care, so why do I suddenly care so much? Why does life hurt so bad right now?
Wish I could say, wish I could say
That this won't last forever
But every day, but every day
It never seems to get better
I keep waiting for it to get better, but every day it doesn’t, just makes me feel that much worse. I just want to cry. When will it get better?
I hate myself but I don't want to
I'd ask for help but I'm too strong to
I am supposed to know how to deal with life. I’m supposed to have all the answers to share with you guys. I’m supposed to prove that things get better, but why does it feel so horrible again? I don’t want to feel like this. I hate myself, but I don’t want to. I just do, and I wish I knew how to stop.
I got some feelings I've been fighting
Always hiding the truth
I hate myself but I don't want to
I don’t know who to talk to. Who can help me? I have so many people I can talk to, but why do I feel so alone? I’m worried my friend hates me, and I can’t ask her because she’s too nice to admit it. I don’t want her to only talk to me out of pity. It’s so exhausting trying to decide if someone hates me or if they really are just that busy. They seem to have time for everyone else, so why doesn’t she have time for me? I wish she would just tell me she hates me. It wouldn’t hurt so much if she hated me.
Friends say that I'm dramatic, that I'm acting
Yeah, I'm just looking for attention again
I never thought that this would happen
Kinda sad when, when all you got is just a voice in your head
I hate that voice in my head. It’s so mean. Like Tomoons on Twitter right now, complaining about the tour, it just won’t shut up, and just like Tomoons on Twitter, I really wish it would shut up. Maybe I am over-dramatic. I can’t just go around asking my friends if they hate me. None of them would ever admit it to my face.
Wish I could say, wish I could say
That this won't last forever
But every day, but every day
It never seems to get better
Nothing’s going right. I’ve got more important things to worry about. There’s a Oneus concert coming up, and I always thought I would go with my best friend, but I don’t even know if she ever really thought of me as a friend or if she was just being nice, hoping that eventually I would go away. I have other friends though, so why do I care so much?
I hate myself but I don't want to
I'd ask for help but I'm too strong to
I got some feelings I've been fighting
Always hiding the truth
Why is it that no one ever seems to care about me as much as I care about them? What’s wrong with me? Am I a bad person? Is it because I’m too much? Did I do something wrong? I’ve tried so hard to be a better friend, and I know I have 2 friends who care about me. Is it because I’m too ungrateful? Am I too annoying? I always tell my friends that if they just tell me to shut up, I will………………… Why won’t she just tell me if she hates me?
I hate myself but I don't want to
I hate myself but I don't want to
I don't wanna live my life like this
Going through the motion
Every day I try so hard not to care. I hate that I don’t have faith in my friends. I hate that I’m so insecure. I hate how I always act like nothing bothers me and then cry over stupid things like this. I don’t want to hate myself, but sometimes it’s just so hard not to. I’m not motivated and don’t take good care of myself. It’s not hard to believe that she might be my friend out of pity, but I wish people would just tell me straight. I’ll be hurt a bit at first, but I know it won’t hurt as bad or as long as this.
I don't wanna live my life like this
Always feeling broken
I hate it. It sucks feeling like this. Being paranoid and never knowing for sure whether people really care or not. I have 2 amazing friends, though, but I thought I had 3, and that’s what bothers me. I hate feeling so broken like I’m always falling apart and piecing myself back together. Why am I like this?
I hate myself but I don't want to
I'd ask for help but I'm too strong to
I got some feelings I've been fighting
Always hiding the truth
I just wish I had a magic wand I could wave to make everyone speak the truth. How pathetic am I? It’s no wonder she doesn’t like hanging out with me. Her other friends are probably more fun and reasonable. Her other friends probably aren’t as annoying. I always say, “A lot of people say a lot of things. It doesn’t necessarily mean anything.” I hate that I feel like I can’t trust anyone. I hate that I hate, but I don’t know how to stop. I can’t trust anyone, no matter how badly I want to. I hate myself, I hate my life, and I don’t know how to stop hating.
I hate myself but I don't want to [x4}
Thanks for reading. I don’t know. I kind of hope no one reads it. I was so excited about the concert, but the 1 person I was most looking forward to going with wasn’t going. I’m sure she doesn’t actually hate me. She told me the other day we would hang out soon because she misses me. But like I said, she’s just really nice like that. She always has a legit excuse, but for some reason, I don’t believe anymore that she doesn’t hate me. Don’t be mad at her. She’s a really fantastic person, and I hope the people she spends time with understand how lucky they are to have someone like her in their lives. Which is the exact same reason I’m concerned she’s only being nice to me because she’s just that good of a person. I keep telling myself to just leave her alone and not bother her, but I still try to talk to her for some reason. Anyway, it’s late. Life is always worse at night, so I’ll go sleep. Goodnight, guys.
I’ve been sad lately. Not a crying sad, but a tired, burnt-out type of sad. I was watching Chasing Maverick’s this evening, and a quote stood out to me. It was, “What are you afraid of? You’ve got a chance to change everything. Take it…. This is about the choices you make in life. This is about finding that one thing that sets you free. You need to believe in yourself, or none of this matters.” It got me thinking, what am I really afraid of? Beyond social anxiety, fear of water, and making phone calls. What is it that really bugs me, deep down inside? I never thought about it. I prefer to ignore it like all my problems, lol. What good is it to think of such things? Perhaps he was trying to say that you cannot overcome your fears if you don’t acknowledge them. So what is Er-Budd so afraid of. I’ve always known the answer to that question. I’m just not sure there is anything to be done about it. I’m not brave like the boy in the movie, but perhaps acknowledging them is overcoming them. Maybe once you are aware of them, you can work to deal with the fear until you can overcome it. What if I can’t though? I’m afraid one day, when I die, my life will have meant nothing. All the tears, all the pain, all the blog posts……. I’m afraid my entire life will have been meaningless. Okay, now I’m crying sad I guess. All I’ve ever wanted is to make the world a better place. My life sucks, but I’ve always felt like it will suck a lot less, knowing I made someone else’s life better. I’m afraid I want my blog to be popular and well-known for selfish reasons. As much as I shallowly wish to have love, fame, and fortune, it terrifies me. I’m afraid I’m not really a good person. I’m so scared if people knew everything about me, no one would like me. I’m worried I’m not good enough. I’m afraid my blog is pointless. Like, 5 people read it. How can I change the world with an audience of 5? Don’t get me wrong, my 5 readers, I appreciate you dearly, but as I said, I’m selfish. I’m afraid I’m not good enough. I talk all day about how I don’t care what anyone thinks of me. Still, I’m terrified of getting a tattoo because I’m worried about what other people will think, what I will think. I’m terrified of making more mistakes. I’ve made so many already, and I don’t want to be a failure. I have already failed at school, and I’m concerned my life is going nowhere. I’m scared to death that what I am now is all I’ll ever be. I just want my life, my blog, or anything about me to mean something. Geez, I’ve been trying to get myself to cry for 2 days now. I was just trying to ignore everything that was making me sad. Now that I’m acknowledging it, I can finally cry properly. I think most of all, I’m afraid I’m going to be scared forever. I just want to make this shitty world a little less shitty for everyone. I’m worried I’m not trying hard enough. I’m afraid I don’t care enough. I’m not a nice person, and I’m terrified that one day everyone will see how truly horrible I am. I hate putting money in the church offering, yet I’ll buy kpop merch without a second thought. I don’t always want to spend time with people, but then I get mad when they don’t want to spend time with me. I hate that I can’t say everything I would like to tell my parents because there are some things you shouldn’t say to adults older than you, even if it’s true. I hate respecting others when they refuse to respect me. I hate telling customers to have a great day when I’m not having a great day. I hate how much I hate. I’m worried that no one will ever love me, and I’ll die forever alone. I’m afraid I’ll forever be an extra in the background like I always have been. I want so badly to be the main character. However, I’m also afraid I’ll become fake and hypocritical and more self-absorbed than I already am. I want my life to mean something so badly, yet I’m terrified of what will happen if it does. Who am I??? I’m just some person who works at a fast-food place. I’m just another face you’ll see in passing. I’m no one special, and that kills me inside to admit. So, what am I afraid of?? I’m afraid I’ll never matter, but I’m also afraid of the person I’ll become if I do. I’m afraid I’ll only ever be just another human being in the endless expanse of time. Why am I trying so hard with this blog? Perhaps because even if no one cares, at least I can say I’m doing something no matter how pointless or insignificant. I’ve always been jealous of the people who were popular and loved by everyone. That’s what I’ve always wanted, but how self-centered and pathetic is that?. Then people would know how not nice I am. There are so many successful people doing meaningful, significant things with their life, and I’m over here, typing away to an audience of just a few. Life is terrifying. The kid in the movie went on to be amazing. He died really young, which was super sad, but he left something behind for the rest of the world. What if 65 years from now, I die old and alone with nothing to show for my entire life. What am I even doing here? I just trying to make my life a life worth living, and all I can do is hope and pray that one day it will be, but I’ll never know for sure, and that’s what scares me most of all. I’ll end this one with a quote from a song I’ve always held onto.
Swallow your pride before you choke on your issues I know you got family and folks that’ll miss you So don’t misuse this gift you’ve been given This life’s but a dream you are blessed to be livin’ I take everything Your hopes and your dreams and your hate and your lies Mmm, mmm, mmm, in this life I’ll join everyone From the old and the wise to the young as they fly Ooh, when I die And basically man, I’m just a dude who tries to do right You know I try to make my tomorrows better than my yesterdays Without hurting anyone else in the process Cause if you leave the world a better place than it was when you got here then we all win
Edit: (2 days after I posted it): I realized it was not actually Monday when I uploaded this, so I apologize for killing the spirit of music Monday. I promise it will never happen again. I was just so excited to finally post anything.
I heard this song when it first came out because my brother and friends were super into Twenty One Pilots, and I liked them too, just not this song. I always thought it was lame because it didn’t even make sense. I was like, “Okay…. You know you can buy a new car radio? It’s not cheap, but it’s possible.” I’ve listened to it a few times since then, and it never really grew on me. Silence is actually pretty nice sometimes. Then one day, I found myself sad, alone, and ‘sitting in silence.’ It reminded me of this song, so I listened to it. Again. Except for this time, it was like I was hearing the song for the first time because I finally got it. I finally understood that it had nothing to do with the radio in his car being stolen. And that you could most definitely not just go, ‘buy a new one.’ It’s a metaphor and a great one at that! Alright, enough of my babbling. Let’s go!
Author’s note: I wrote this once but didn’t like it. Now, as I sit here trying to decide who I hate more (the world or myself). I think I know what I want to say now. Alright, this time, we are starting for real.
I ponder of something great
My lungs will fill and then deflate
They fill with fire, exhale desire
I know it's dire my time today
I do ponder. Quite a lot, actually. I feel like I could be great. I could be awesome, like the intelligent and successful people I often see in life. I know I could, but I’m not, and it’s all my fault. In my blogs, I usually write about how the only goal for today is to be better than yesterday………. I kind of suck at that sometimes. Like, a lot. I know exactly what I need to do to be great, and every day I don’t do it. Every day I hate myself a little bit more. Yup, you caught me. I said the one thing that I always say you should never say. Like I said, I know why my life sucks, and if I would freakin’ do something about it, maybe I wouldn’t be so miserable and depressed constantly. I suck at life. It’s not hard; I don’t know what my deal is. Today, I should be doing everything to make my life as great as I know it could be. But no. that’s not what I did
I have these thoughts, so often I ought
To replace that slot with what I once bought
'Cause somebody stole my car radio
And now I just sit in silence
The funny thing I realized is that in counseling, I learned that how my parents and teachers treated me was not okay, and I got that. I know the things they said weren’t true, but for some reason, I recently realized that now I am treating myself the same way. For example, I had a teacher who liked to say if I was really trying, I would have better grades. Now I feel like if I were really trying, then my life would be better. I know they shouldn’t have said that to me, but it sounds like a legit point, right? My mom always told me that if I was sorry, I wouldn’t do whatever I had just apologized for. I know that’s not right, and if I turned that phrase around on the people in my life now………I wouldn’t even do that; it’s just not right. Somehow though, my brain is once again saying, ‘isn’t it a good point’?? I get so pissed when people say they will do something and then back out with a “sorry.” If you were sorry, you wouldn’t do it, right!? I would never say it out loud to anyone, but that’s what I start thinking whenever someone backs out on me. After all, I was told that for 15 years. Even if I know, realistically, it’s not a fair statement, I still think it’s true. If I really felt terrible about not taking the initiative in my life, then I would start doing it, right? Yet somehow, not only do I feel incredibly shitty about myself for slacking off so much, but I’m also still not doing anything about it. I know it’s wrong, so why do I still believe those words??
Sometimes quiet is violent
I find it hard to hide it
My pride is no longer inside
It's on my sleeve
My skin will scream reminding me of
Who I killed inside my dream
I hate this car that I'm driving
It used to be okay. Everyone always said, “you’ve got your whole life to figure things out.” Now I’m 25, my life sucks, I’ve been forever single, and my life is going nowhere. There’s no excuse for it because it’s all my fault for not trying harder. I hate everyone. I hate the ones who contributed to my messed-up thinking, and I hate the ones who keep telling me I have time because no!! I don’t!!!!!!! I don’t want to finally get my life together when I’m 50. Then only have like 30 years to enjoy it before I die alone and bitter that I wasted over half of my life!!!!!!!!! Now, that is what my counselor calls catastrophizing. Another big no-no, but really the alternate title to this should be ‘everything you shouldn’t do in your mental health recovery.’ Well, screw it, none of the other things were working, so if I’m going to be miserable either way, I might as well be honest about it. I hate everything. (I know I don’t hate everything, but it feels good to hate stuff, so I’m going to do it just this once)
There's no hiding for me
I'm forced to deal with what I feel
There is no distraction to mask what is real
I could pull the steering wheel
I don’t even need to say anything about this part. He hit the nail right on the head. I can’t hide anymore, so I have to deal with it, and distracting myself doesn’t work at all, and honestly, I would love to just give up on life. I’m not going to, but it would be nice not to have to deal with this shit every day.
I have these thoughts, so often I ought
To replace that slot with what I once bought
'Cause somebody stole my car radio
And now I just sit in silence
For realz, why am I so messed up in my head? Why can’t I be normal? I’ve tried, guys. I really have. I’ve tried to reframe my thoughts. I’ve tried to stay in the moment without worrying about the future. I’ve tried to be kind to myself, but it mostly feels like I’m enabling myself. Why am I so stressed out by absolutely everything?!?! I hate my life!!! I don’t want to be positive anymore; everyone knows I’m faking it! Why am I such a failure!!!!!! I know I’m not a failure, and I shouldn’t say that about myself, but again, it feels legit. I’m sorry. This is not the right way to handle the situation, but I don’t like the right way anymore. I don’t want to make phone calls to new doctors and get my license. I don’t want to go out and meet new people. I just want to stay at home and cry, scream, and maybe break something. I would love to break something, but that’s wasteful, so I bury it all inside while the anger eats away at my soul.
I ponder of something terrifying
'Cause this time there's no sound to hide behind
I used to have more time to get this all figured out. I should have done it before I got to this point because now, I have to deal with it, and it’s terrifying. Like, the trailer for the Pet Cemetery remake level of scary. I hate making phone calls. And that’s just step 1!! There’s way more!
I find over the course of our human existence
One thing consists of consistence
And it's that we're all battling fear
Oh dear, I don't know if we know why we're here
Yes. BUT. Some people are braver than others. I’m not one of those people. I should be. Another thing that I should do that I refuse to do every day. I’m lazy, right? If I were really trying, I’d be better than this, right????
Oh my, too deep, please stop thinking
I liked it better when my car had sound
Me too bro. Me too. You have no idea how bad I wish I could just stop thinking. It’s a nightmare.
There are things we can do
But from the things that work there are only two
And from the two that we choose to do
Peace will win and fear will lose
But the road to peace is scary, so aren’t I losing either way? I wasn’t kidding. I’ve been trying to stay positive for so long. I’m going to go big or go home with my level of negativity right now. I’m so over coping tools right now it’s ridiculous. I wasn’t trying as hard as I should have. I know that, and I hate that, but clearly not enough to do anything about it. Needless to say, at the current moment, peace is not winning, and fear sure isn’t losing, but again it’s something we have to choose, and I guess I just can’t help but choose wrong.
There’s faith and there's sleep
We need to pick one please, because
Faith is to be awake
And to be awake is for us to think
And for us to think is to be alive
Faith…… I’m not even going there because it’s past 11 at night, and I don’t have time to unload everything with y’all. Sleep is nice. Sleep is the only way I can truly ignore my problems and the one time of day I’m not stressed. Then again, how would I know if I’m asleep? I’m probably stressed in my sleep too. That’s not unreasonable, but even if I am, I don’t know I’m stressed, which is just as lovely.
And I will try with every rhyme
To come across like I am dying
To let you know you need to try to think
I want to be real with y’all for a second. I’m typing this partly to get it off my chest, but also so that anyone who reads this will make better choices than I am. I’m doing exactly what you’re not supposed to do to deal with depression and anxiety, and this really isn’t working either. Please, if you read this, don’t do this to yourself. Be braver and stronger than I’m being right now. I deserve better than this, and so do you, but I’m just not there at the moment, so I should probably talk to my counselor or anyone to help me. I said that the ‘right way wasn’t working, but this is working even less. Please don’t be me. The whole point of this blog is not only to work through my thoughts but also so I can share my wisdom with you in the hopes that you won’t make the same mistakes that I have. I’ll get there eventually, but if I can give you guys a head start, that’s just as good.
I have these thoughts, so often I ought
To replace that slot with what I once bought
'Cause somebody stole my car radio
And now I just sit in silence
I need to deal with this the right way. Even if I hate it, I should ask for help because it’s better a little late than a lot late, right? I need to figure out how to deal with these few steps back so I can get back on track, but it’s hard right now. I’m so mad at myself for not being better. I’m angry at everyone for not caring enough, which is totally stupid. Still, it feels like I’m on my own, and I don’t know why I’m so clingy and constantly needing others to……. I don’t know, validate my life??? If they aren’t talking to me constantly, my brain suddenly decides that they must not care about me, which again is ridiculous, but this is my life. This is where I’m at right now, and I don’t like it because I know they don’t hate me, but my brain is still telling me that nobody cares about me, and it’s very annoying.
And now I just sit in silence
And now I just sit
[x3]
I’ve found that a big part of coping with mental illness is patience. When I get like this, I’m not going to accomplish anything. I just need to be even kinder to myself until I can get to a place where mentally, I’m ready to deal with it. If anyone wants to call it enabling, then go for it. Right now, though, I can’t even get myself to brush my teeth or leave my couch when I’m not at work. I can’t even bring myself to clean my room, and sometimes I don’t even have the motivation to eat. I should start with that and work my way up to fixing my life. Maybe once I figure out how to properly take care of myself, I can handle the rest of my life. I still hate that I get like this, you know? I don’t like this part of depression. I want to do everything when I can barely do anything, making me sad and bitter. Oh well, I think you get my point. I have one more thing to share before I wrap up this #musicmonday.
Oneus (they are my fav K-pop group) recently had a comeback with their new album. In the process of streaming and voting to try and get them a win, I made a few friends in the comments section of their music video. It was a super fun time, and it really helped distract me, but now it’s over, and that’s probably why I’m suddenly a hot mess. Anyway, I had a bad weekend where I didn’t really want to do anything. Still, one day I decided to get caught up with the comments because I knew it would distract me from my thoughts. I saw a comment from one of them saying that they hadn’t seen Er-Budd (that’s me) in a while, and one of the others agreed with a sad face. I don’t know why, but it meant so much to me that these people who don’t even know me cared! At least a little bit. I left a comment saying I had a rough few days, but I’m back now. Anyway, I’m telling you this story because of one of the replies I got. They welcomed me back, saying that they hope I feel better soon, which already made my day, but then one of them left a comment that I think would be very fitting for this blog. It said, “When everything feels like an uphill struggle, just think of the view from the top.” I think I need to do that more often. Even if I do nothing else tomorrow except focus my thoughts on less negative things, I think it will be an okay day.
I ponder of something great
My lungs will fill and then deflate
They fill with fire, exhale desire
I know it's dire my time today
I have these thoughts, so often I ought
To replace that slot with what I once bought
'Cause somebody stole my car radio
And now I just sit in silence
Hey y’all. What a week, am I right? Do you like the picture? Me too! It inspired this post, but you’ll have to read to find out more. Also, I forgot I only posted it on the Facebook page, but what I did this week was a bit different. Every day I picked a song that I felt best summed up that day and wrote down a quick summary of each day that I would compile into one post on Saturday (today).
I will link the songs in the post if you want to listen. You can use English subtitles in the videos for Korean songs. I didn’t know how it would turn out, and this week, I crashed and burned so hard it’s laughable, and I can laugh about it now. It was a trip and a half and…. well, I’ll let you read it for yourself….
Monday: This has been an awful day. I’ve been watching RuPaul’s drag race while playing euchre to pass the time because I can’t focus on anything. Also, everything makes me angry. Anytime anyone says anything to me, I instantly feel personally attacked. Plus, I’m so tired. Tired of being stressed and overwhelmed constantly. Even the grumpy tuna lady (she’s one of the regulars at work, and she’s really not grumpy, but by the time I found that out, the name had already stuck) told me I looked burnt out. My family and friends didn’t notice, but grumpy tuna lady did.
Honestly though, how do I tell people that my life is a mess and I’m dying inside? How do you start that conversation? I hate Mondays, I hate my job, and I hate being an adult…. I’m basically just the news. I’m full of hate, I don’t have anything nice to say, and the entire world would be better off avoiding me. At least for today. Ugh, I need a vacation. Today’s song was She’s in the Rain by The Rose.
Tuesday: Today started out fantastic! I ordered a JBJ95 light stick I had wanted since it first came out. I was so excited, and I went to tell my mom, and you know what she said? “Cool.” Not “Cool!!!!” not even, “That’s awesome!” just “cool” with a bored look on her face, and my day just went down the drain from there. Life sucks. Today’s song is Can’t You See Me by Tomorrow X Together because that song really says it all.
If you really want to know how I feel, ask me to tell you in songs. I can explain my feelings in songs all day long, words not so much. In church last Sunday, we talked about how it’s important to have someone in your corner to back you up or be that person for someone else. I can tell you right now that my corner just has cobwebs all over it. I’m not even in my corner half of the time, and I feel like no one understands! I just want someone in my corner. Anyone really, at this point. I can’t afford to be picky anymore. I’m so tired.
Wednesday: I had a lot of fun at the barn. Me and Sunny were great, and I had so much fun with my friends…… Now I’m home, my life sucks, and everything is awful. Don’t judge me for saying that. I’ve gone over 2 months without saying it (that’s a new record), but I can’t take it anymore. I’m sick and tired of being optimistic about life! It sucks!! Or at least it does right now, and no one cares!!!!!!!!
Today I picked the song Drive by Incubus. So, I guess “whatever tomorrow brings, I’ll be there,” but right now, I think I’m having a panic attack, so I’m going to sleep. Also, today I was told that my problems aren’t that bad and that I need to get a REAL job. Like I said, no one understands, and no one cares enough to want to understand.
Thursday: I hate everything. No matter how many naps I take, I’m still tired. No matter how early I go to bed, I’m still tired. The only people who care are the ones who can’t help me, and the few who can help me are the ones who don’t care because it’s not their life, so it’s not really important to them. I just want to get my life together and be semi-independent. Isn’t that what they want too? Why is life so hard? today’s song was Brave by Riley Pearce because I too, am trying to be brave. It’s just not working, like, at all. Well, I guess I’ll go cry myself to sleep now. Whatever.
Friday: Today has been interesting, work was okay, and when I took the dogs out, I saw a package on the porch that was addressed to me. It turns out my dad randomly sent me some books. This one caught my attention because it was not written like most books. There were so many pictures, so I decided to read it.
It didn’t take long to finish, and I cried my way through it because everything was just what I needed to hear. It’s called “The Boy, The Mole, The Fox, and The Horse” by Charlie Mackesy. The photo at the top is actually from the book, which I highly recommend. It kind of felt like a kids’ story, but it was full of great life advice.
I wasn’t a fan of the ending though. The book ends with them realizing that no matter what happens or how scary life is, it’s okay because they have each other and are not alone. That part kind of bummed me out because honestly, for as long as I can remember, I’ve felt like I’m all alone in life. For as long as I can remember, whenever family or friends told me they loved me, I never really bought it. What I heard is: I don’t hate you. This is actually how I tell people I love them.
If you haven’t guessed by now, I’m really not that great with… I think it’s called interpersonal relationships. I’ve learned recently that, in fact, many people do care about me, which would be awesome, except for some reason, I don’t feel any different. I still feel like it’s me against the world all by myself, which makes me very sad.
Maybe part of it is I can’t drive. Historically friends who can drive don’t really want to hang out a lot with friends who can’t drive. I do have 1 friend who is an exception. She is an excellent friend, but I still feel jealous of the boy, the mole, the fox, and the horse.
They are friends, but they are also like family. Family has always been hard for me because ever since I was little, I decided if I convinced myself that no one loved me, then no one could hurt me. It worked well (unfortunately), but now that I have to trust and rely on people, it’s hard to ask people for help when you feel like they don’t give a shit about you. People say they love me, but it doesn’t really mean anything to me. Especially when their actions often say otherwise.
Many times, people will say they want to hang out or go get coffee, which makes me feel good, but it usually doesn’t mean anything. We don’t actually end up hanging out together, but it was still nice to say, I guess. I’ve finally reached a point in my life when I have to ask for help, but I can’t because I don’t have anyone in my corner to help me.
I’ve also never needed anyone in my corner before. I’ve always been just fine with me, myself, and I. Now that I need help from actual humans, I turn around, and there is no one there. I don’t know how to magically start believing that people really care about me or love me. I don’t know what to do.
I want to have friends like the mole, the fox, and the horse, but I’m just not that close to anyone, and no one has ever cared as much about me as I did them. You might think I’m rude or out of line, but I’m not. Except for a few people outside my family, if I didn’t reach out to them, I’d never see or hear from them again. Even the few that do care, some live so far away that we can’t be as good of friends as we used to.
The other /one is great, but I’m still convinced at some point that she will leave and move on with her life without me, just like all the others. That’s why no matter how much I need to; I don’t want to trust anyone else. I know it’s not my fault we drifted apart, but I’m not good at making new friends, so when I lose friends, I just feel lonelier and lonelier. That said, there are many great quotes from this book to help me get through life, including the idea of focusing on how far I’ve come.
Maybe one day I’ll love and be loved like the boy, the mole, the fox, and the horse, but until then, I think I’ll be okay. If I’m not, I’ll just keep reading that book over and over again. Today’s song was On by BTS, and if you look up the lyrics, you will know exactly why I picked it. It is my fight song. Whenever life gets hard, I can listen to that song, or I can take the mole’s advice and just eat cake. I will share one more quote from the book before we go.
“What else do you think?” “I think” said the horse “you are doing better than you think”
The Boy, The Mole, The Fox, and The Horse
And that’s what I will try to hold onto until I move past this. Besides, in the words of RuPaul, “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else. Can I get an Amen?!” Thank you, guys, so much for reading. I would like to dedicate this blog to all my friends and family who have supported me, prayed for me, and sent me positive vibes these past few days.
Even though I’ve still got problems, it meant a lot that you guys took time out of your day to let me know you were thinking about me. I would also like to thank my dad for sending me that extraordinary book. Also, to my brother for bringing me Starbucks while I was having an awful day at work.
It totally made my day, and I think…. I’ve never felt this before. Perhaps this is what feeling loved feels like??? I like it! Also, shout out to my friends, I’m sure I’m not the easiest person to be friends with, and the fact that you haven’t run away screaming says marvelous things about you.
It’s okay to not be okay, and this week I really wasn’t, but I think I’ve laid on the ground in defeat for long enough. I think I’m ready to be okay again, so wish me luck, and I wish you guys the best of luck too. Until next time…
Sincerely, LIBD
2022 Update: I’ve found my boy, fox, and horse. My cake obsession definitely qualifies me for mole status. I hope everybody can experience that level of friendship. The fox lives in Mexico, and we’ve only met face to face a few times on video chat, but she is still one of my closest friends. The boy is busy a lot, but she tries to make time for me when she can. The horse…. She’s basically the horse in the book. She always knows what to say. They know when to give me a hug and when to metaphorically slap me in the face. Which is a very important quality for friends to have.
At last! Part 4/4 in my ‘See U Tomorrow’ series. If you read all 4 parts, you rock, and a special shoutout is in order just for you. If you haven’t read all 4 parts well……. Better late than never. Second shoutout to SF9 for being one of my fav K-pop groups. I think it’s been 3 years now (Correct me if I’m wrong, Fantasy, because I feel like I am), and so far, they have not released a single album that I don’t like. I also want to thank everyone who has read any part of this series. I honestly wasn’t sure how it would turn out, but I’m proud of it. I also want to thank everyone who has liked and followed my blog because I’m shallow enough that that is what motivates me to keep writing. Lastly, (I promise I’ll shut up after this), this is the translation I came up with that made the most sense. If you’re looking for super exact and slightly more literal translations, you should look for someone else’s translation. I found a few translations of lyrics on YouTube, but they didn’t make as much sense as I would like, so I used them as a reference, broke out my Korean/English dictionary app, and 5 hours dissecting Korean words and phrases later this is what I ended up with, some spots might be rough translations or minor edits for ease of reading no offense to the original lyrics, especially the English parts they just didn’t make as much sense with everything else in English so if it’s not exact in some places it’s just so it reads better and I do apologize. You can listen to the actual song >>here<< in all of its musical glory, and without further ado, 가자!
My friend, See you tomorrow
[Chorus] See you tomorrow and again
Throw off the darkness (I can do this)
Say ya, ya, ya, ya
See ya, ya, ya, ya
I’ll shout out to you
See you tomorrow
That’s the nice thing about tomorrow; it’s like life is giving you a do-over for the day before. Sure, tomorrow might not be a spectacular day, but hopefully, it will be slightly better than yesterday. The hard part is trying to brush off yesterday’s ‘ugh’; it can be challenging if my previous day was a total shit show. I’ve found that when I treat my tomorrow like a tomorrow and not just a continuation of the day before, it’s easier to have a better attitude about it. At least as good as my attitude gets, but we’re not going to go there right now.
In this messed up life
We just want a (more) better life
You don’t need to cower from the stares of others
You lost your way, but I’ll take you
You’re precious (come with me)
Honestly, that’s all I want. I don’t need my life to be perfect; I just need it to not be so blah sometimes. It’s hard when I’m depressed and feel like my life sucks. It’s rough when it feels like no one is on your side. Sometimes I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do or how to get to where I want to go, but that’s okay. 괜찮아. I think there’s no map or guidebook to life because it would be useless. The map that got someone else all the way to the Grand Canyon might lead me to some sketchy mosquito-infested swamp, and if I thought my life was terrible before then……. ugh.
Endure the sharpest pain
You are an unrefined diamond
It can be uncomfortable, it can be difficult
but I want to tell you
You’re doing alright right (right?)
First, I want to tell you that if you are doing your best, you are already on your way. Life is a long road, and there aren’t many 5-star hotels to stop at along the way when you get tired. One day I was trying (and failing) to put together this puzzle. I was getting super frustrated because some pieces fit in 3 different places, and it was a total nightmare. Finally, I couldn’t take it, and out loud, I just said, “Ugh!!!! I hate my life!” my friend asked me why I kept doing it, and I had one simple yet very resentful answer……. “Because failure builds character!” She gave me a weird look, so let me explain it to you guys. When everything is going wrong, it totally 100% sucks, and I will be first in line to whine about how everything is awful, but that’s how I deal with it; I complain my way through it. When I have those times when I feel totally defeated, it’s teaching me things about life. I may not like it, but I don’t have to. Sometimes it is painful, but like it says in the song, “you are an unrefined diamond.” Diamonds must be cut, sharpened, and polished before they end up in a necklace, ring, or whatever. Although it’s a long and tedious process to go from a rock to a diamond, the finished product is so lovely, sparkly, and expensive that it’s totally worth the trouble.
[pre-chorus part 1] Who says that you’re trash
Get rid of those thoughts (oh)
And who called you a loser
shut them up, stop those lips
and cover your ears (oh)
People are jagweeds. I’ve said it before, and I’m sure I’ll repeat it. It’s not their life; it’s yours, and don’t forget that! If someone has a problem with you, they can go float a goat. Because if they honestly have nothing better to do with their lives than judge others…. Trust me, their lives aren’t going any better than yours.
[pre-chorus part 2]
You’re the superstar of your own life
So believe in yourself
You know you could be the best
[insert chorus]
You do you!! No one can be me like I can, and no one could be you quite like you. The literal translation was, ‘you are the main character in your life, and you are, so make the most of it! I tend to hold back a lot in life, and I shouldn’t. I should be trying to make the most of every day to be the best me, no matter how scary it can be. It reminds me of Newt’s line in Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them; “my philosophy is that worrying means you suffer twice.” Also, I don’t know that it’s going to be awful. I just assume it will be and use that as my excuse not to try. It’s our life, and we should be cheering ourselves on even if no one else is because we are just that awesome!
Waiting for you
Yeah, I’m waiting for you
See u, see u, see u tomorrow
You know what they say is meaningless
You don’t need it
There’s so much more to think about
Instead of vaguely drifting apart
Draw a period and finish it
That last part is a bit rocky, but I tried to make sense of it here. It doesn’t matter what other people say about you. I know it hurts sometimes, but I’ve always felt like if I let them get to me, I’m letting them win. There are many more important things in life, and we don’t need negativity floating around in our heads all day. Sometimes you just got to say, “no more.” I’m speaking from experience when I say that. If all they do is bring you down, then they are not the kind of people you need in your life. This one girl I went to school with was the textbook definition of a jagweed, and finally, one day, I just said no more. She was genuinely mad and put off that I refused to be her friend anymore. It was pretty funny. It’s not always funny, but sometimes we need to say enough is enough.
The past is the past so don’t ask about it
It can’t easily be changed, so just smile
That’s right
Let’s just stop for a bit and laugh comfortably
[insert pre-chorus 1&2 + chorus]
If you’ve read my blog before, you know I have no qualification to talk about letting go of the past. Still, I like the next part, ‘don’t ask about it, don’t ask yourself, don’t ask others. Honestly, I feel we should all unanimously agree to never speak or think of the past again. It’s done, and I can’t change it, so I should look toward the future with a smile. Or at least a smirk. I don’t like smiling; it’s just no good. If you tell me a good joke, I’ll smile on accident, but I don’t like to smile on purpose. I find it annoying. Sometimes we have to take those little moments of happiness or fun times hanging out and laughing with friends and hold on to them. Because on my darkest day, those were what helped me make it through each and every tomorrow.
Everything’s alright
Even if you fall again
You can go a little bit slower
Don’t worry about it
Even if you get hurt
and fall back a little bit
If there’s one thing I’ve learned while struggling with anxiety and depression, it’s that recovery is not onwards and upwards. Sometimes I get back to old habits. Sleeping too much, isolating myself, or listening to music that I probably shouldn’t in my current state of mind, but it’s okay. I’m getting better at dealing with my bad days. Sometimes there are days when I have to say to myself, “I’m sad today, and that’s okay. I will be sad today and try again tomorrow”. That sad day gets better sometimes, I just have to K-drama and nap my way through it, but I’ve learned to be nicer to myself on bad days or even bad weeks. It’s okay to stumble if you are willing to get back up eventually. Like when I fell off my horse, sometimes I just want to lay there in the dirt for a bit, and that’s okay because when I was ready to get up again, I got right back on.
Why do you hide yourself Why do you do that Why do you compare yourself to others I’ll return all of their stares This is your chance
I sometimes think that I spent so much time trying to be who everyone else thought I should be or wanted me to be that I lost track of who I was as an individual. I like to watch Brad Mondo’s ‘Hairdresser reacts’ videos, and he always tells everyone to live their extra life. I’ve come to realize that it is some rock-solid advice. I cared way too much about what other people thought of me for a long time. Especially when I was at bible college, it was a great experience, and I made a lot of friends, and I learned a lot too, but……… I felt like I was too…. Like I was trying to be the person I thought I was supposed to be, I tried not to be too weird and tried to be super nice and “Christian-y” enough. And when I felt like even after trying so hard, it still wasn’t enough, I just felt terrible because I felt like I was failing but didn’t understand how. I know they weren’t judging me because they were all super supportive and awesome, but I felt I was judging myself for them if that makes sense. Now, I’m learning to “live my extra life” and…… I just don’t care. Maybe I’m too weird, I don’t read my bible enough, or I should seriously consider starting a swear jar, but I’m a work in progress, and this is where I’m at right now. If people don’t like it, they don’t have to be friends with me. Probably also explains why I only have 3 friends, but! Three super awesome friends that I wouldn’t trade for the world! This is your life, and it’s your chance to be the most awesome you that you can be.
Bang Bang
This poisonous world is all the same
If you have your life in order
You’ll be the best
This was a rough translation. Because, let’s be honest, my Korean is sub-par, and the words themselves aren’t super specific. My best guess is that it’s saying you shouldn’t feel like you have to measure up to anyone else in the world. As long as you are living your life to the best of your ability, then you are doing great. I don’t want to live my life how everyone else feels like I should. I want to live my life the way I want and be the best I can be. It doesn’t matter what anyone else says. It’s your life and your journey, and it’s up to you to make the best of it because you deserve the best life possible.
First time it will be
‘Gonna make your mind (I think what he is trying to say is that when that moment finally comes it’s gonna blow your mind, but since those words were in English and I didn’t write the song I don’t really know)
If this is not a dream
I want to say these words to you
Yeah I’ve been waiting for you.
[Insert Chorus]
Waiting for you, yeah
I’m waiting for you
See u, see u, see u tomorrow
Every tomorrow is a new opportunity, and sometimes it will be great. Sometimes it will suck, but that’s okay because there is always tomorrow. Life isn’t always easy, and sometimes it is downright painful, so I want to say this. I have total faith in you; that’s right, I’m talking to you. I have complete confidence that you can do this. No matter how hard it is some days, I believe in you. Celebrate the good days and be kind to yourself on the bad ones. You are amazing, and no one could replace you even if they tried. Even when things seem hopeless, take it one tomorrow at a time. You are so, so, so important in this world and to the people around you, and you deserve the best life that you can possibly have. Thank you again for reading, and until next time……… I’ll See U Tomorrow.
Alright, I know it’s a week later than I promised in part 1. I didn’t have anyone to proofread this one, so I was super nervous about posting it, so it doesn’t matter who you are; please tell me if it’s no good, so I can delete it. Also, my room, brain, and life are all kind of a hot mess right now, so I figured this was as good a time as any to keep this series going. Alright *closes eyes and looks away*…. Here it is… 1 hour of reasons to keep living.
Whenever I hear that someone has committed suicide, it always makes me feel really sad. Even if I don’t know the person or have never heard of them before in my entire life. It always bugged me, and I told my friend this one day how I wish I could have had 1 hour to change their mind. And that’s how today’s blog post came to be. If I had 1 hour to change someone’s mind, this is what I would want to say to them. I’m going to set a timer for 1 hour exactly and see how much I can come up with in one hour. Here it goes….
I would start by telling them how awesome and important they are. Because no one can be you quite like you can, and I think that’s pretty darn impressive. I would also tell them to take a minute and reflect on their life because everyone has their good and not-so-good moments. I would say to them to think about the people around them and remind them that just because people aren’t always the best about telling you how much they care doesn’t mean they don’t care.
Then I would ask them to think carefully about their decision because life won’t be like this forever. I promise you, and you can quote me on this; it always gets better. Unfortunately, some people give up too soon (I was almost one of them) and never find out how wonderful life can be. I would tell them to look at how far they have come and how much they’ve accomplished in life. We’ve come too far and fought too hard to give up now.
Today I was waiting in line at Starbucks, and it was a LONG line. There were multiple times where I just wanted to say, forget it, it’s not worth it. Still, by the time I really considered going home, I had already been waiting 12 minutes. There were only two more cars in front of us, and I really wanted my mocha frappe. And it did feel like hours before I finally got it. Still, it tasted soooooo good, and it would have sucked if I had decided to get out of line just because it was taking forever.
When I say things will get better, it usually doesn’t happen overnight, but eventually, the tomorrow that you are waiting for will come, and you will be so glad that you stuck it out even when it seemed pointless. I know feelings can be overwhelming, but they can’t hurt you, and you shouldn’t let them. Hopelessness is just a feeling. Just because life feels hopeless doesn’t mean it is, and if you fight through that hopelessness, I can promise you it will be worth it.
The k quote from last week says, “If you live your life surviving each day like that, eventually a good day will come. Then one day you will say to yourself, ‘It’s good that I didn’t kill myself that day”. I remember thinking that day would never come, but it has come and gone and come again. I’m riding horses again, and I love every minute of it. Last year, I won second place in the obstacle course and the cup race in the show.
I’ve seen so many fabulous k dramas’ that I’m so glad I got to see; I keep finding new k pop groups I like, such as ONEUS and Target. Even non-kpop artists like the Satellite Station. I went to the movies with my grandma; I celebrated my birthday and Christmas and got great presents. I went with my mom to take my grandma down to Florida for the past 2 years and had a great time there.
I finally made a friend and started talking to old friends I hadn’t been in contact with before. I have the best dog in the world (most of the time). I have a bt21 themed desk that is just 너무 귀여워 (too cute); I discovered cookie dough cake pops which are a gift from God himself, and to think I would have missed out on all of this if I had given up back then. I’m so glad I was able to get help and get better because now I can say to anyone without a shadow of a doubt that depression is not the end, even when it feels like it is.
It’s the bronze tree of life. I don’t know if you’ve seen the lost tomb 2, but the beginning is good. The end is not totally awful, but there’s like at least 10, possibly more episodes (Editing Note: I guess it’s only 7 or 8, but it felt like at least 10 or more) in the middle where they are exploring this cave tomb thing where they find a bronze tree and it’s lame and boring, and stupid.
Now I’m reading the book, and I don’t even want to read it! It felt like it was NEVER going to end. Every episode, I’d think, “surely this is the episode where they get out,” but it never was, and then you wonder if it is even worth it to keep watching.
I almost just gave up on it 4 times, but eventually, they got out, and maybe it isn’t entirely worth continuing yet, but I’ve got a lot of info from the books, and I have high hopes for the lost tomb 3. Sometimes life is just like that; you might feel stuck and trapped as if there’s no possible way things will ever work out, but I promise they do, and I think now is the time to add another of my all-time favorite k quotes from Just Between Lovers. “Just as misfortune comes to you unexpectedly, miracles also come out of the blue just as we’re about to give up hope.”
What if you gave up today and were just 1 or 2 tomorrows away from your special tomorrow? I remember my first special tomorrow. I was at riding lessons, and I fell off my horse (she’s not really mine; I just ride her for lessons, but I like to call her mine) Sunshine, and I remember laying there in the dirt, and for the first time in forever I felt hope (weird right?). My instructor asked me if I was okay, and I gave her a thumbs up and said, “I’m good. I’m just going to lay here for a bit and accept defeat”, but I didn’t feel defeated.
My head and neck hurt a bit (I had whiplash for 2 or 3 days, but that’s why we always wear a helmet, kids.). Still, I remember that moment when all the heaviness and cloudiness in my chest was lifted. I finally felt okay and knew at that moment, just like the quote said, “it’s a good thing that I didn’t kill myself that day.”
Life isn’t about everything going right. It’s not about having it all together and knowing exactly where you’re going. Life happens when you fall off your horse, and you’re lying there in the dirt, but you get back on and try again. Life happens when everything falls apart, but you choose to keep living because you know it will get better.
Life is about trying your best to make each and every tomorrow better than yesterday. Because life doesn’t stay awful forever, and even though it takes time, I promise, promise, promise you, your special tomorrow will come. I’ve got 17 minutes left, so I want to share one more thing that you may have seen in one of my past blog posts but is worth repeating.
One day in outpatient therapy, I met with my psychiatrist, who told me something I will always hold on to. He told me, “Only bad things happen overnight; earthquakes that destroy whole cities, forest fires, hurricanes…. Good things take time, and you must be patient if you want good things to come.” It’s totally accurate, and I totally hate being patient, but he didn’t say I had to like waiting. The point is that I shouldn’t give up when things don’t start getting better right away because I never know how close my special tomorrow will be. It might be days, months, or a year or more.
That being said, I promise you when it comes, you will be so glad you stuck around to see it. I know life is complicated, and sometimes this might sound like empty words, so if you don’t believe anything else I say, believe that it will get better because I can absolutely 100% promise you with all my heart that it will. (Editing Note: I will not only promise but also swear on my entire K-pop collection that it will get better. That’s how sure I am).
7 minutes left and 1000 spelling and grammar errors that I’ll have to fix in the final edit, but I think I said everything that I wanted to say. 1 whole hour worth of reasons to keep living. Except I did forget one last thing……
I sincerely hope to see you tomorrow, LIBD
If you’re in crisis or thinking about suicide, you’re not alone. In the U.S. you can call or text 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline for free, confidential support 24/7.
Wherever you are in the world, please reach out to someone. Tomorrow needs you here.
