Tag: depression

K Quotes: See You Tomorrow

Posted on by LIBD

Hey y’all, how is it going? I was doing okay, but 오눌은 미쳤어; It’s been a crazy day. 정말; For realz, I was okay this morning, but work was so busy. I just got home an hour ago, and I am straight-up not having a good time right now. I’m so over everything, but tomorrow is my day off 만세; Thank God for that. I think I’ll have to take my own advice and try again tomorrow, and what a fabulous segway because that just so happens to be what this is all about. 가자!

If you want to die you can- but do it tomorrow.
If you still want to kill yourself tomorrow, then do it the day after.
If you still feel the same on the next day, it’s still not too late to die on that day, or the day after that.
If you live your life surviving each day like that, eventually a good day will come.
Then one day you will say to yourself, “It’s good that I didn’t kill myself that day”

~Oh Ri Jin (Kill me, Heal me)

I saw Kill Me, Heal Me so long ago, and I do not know how I forgot about this one. I didn’t want to re-watch all of Children of Nobody just to find 1 quote (There are 30 episodes… at least). So, I decided to google good k drama quotes, and this one showed up in the images, and I was like, “OMG, I remember this! how did I forget this?”. The only thing I can figure is that I’m pretty sure I was too busy crying during this scene to be taking notes or anything.

I watched it not too long after I got out of the hospital, and I think it was during one of my bad days. That would explain the crying my eyes out, and honestly, I’m so glad I saw this because I think it’s something everyone needs to hear. I know I did.

One thing I’ve learned on my road to recovery is that even though I felt like I was all alone, I was not the only person who felt like that. It blew my mind to realize how many others were feeling the same things I was. I knew there was tomorrow, but I never quite realized how many tomorrows there would be. And let me tell you, there were a bunch of tomorrows before I started feeling even a little bit better. Also, like I said in last week’s intro, killing yourself isn’t the only option. It’s just the only permanent one.

I also learned a lot about feelings (I couldn’t help it; they made me!). I learned that feelings are just feelings. If I feel like life is hopeless, that doesn’t mean that life is genuinely hopeless; that’s just how I feel. Even though feelings like anxiety and depression always felt really icky, I learned that they couldn’t hurt me regardless of how uncomfortable they were. They are just feelings, and it was hard work learning how to accept my feelings without giving them power over my life. Those first few months of tomorrow’s were brutal, but I made it.

Hearing that it will get better eventually isn’t really the most comforting. It reminds me of my least favorite ‘F’ word… Future. Eventually is such an intimidating word too.

It’s like that scene in iCarly where Spencer asks the maintenance guy how long it will take to fix the elevator. The guy’s just like, “3…. 4,” and Spencer’s like, “3 or 4 what? Days? Weeks? Months?” and the guy just stares at him and replies, “maybe 5”. That’s how eventually feels to me, and I think that’s why I like tomorrow better. It’s a simple 24 hours instead of “3… 4……. maybe 5”.

It’s a lot like ‘The Lost Tomb’ Chinese tv series. Eventually, I’m sure it will make sense…. That’s why I hated the show and bought the books. Because of ‘eventually.’ With the book, I know how long it is, and I can go one chapter at a time. That’s probably why I find it easier to deal with 24 hours at a time, especially when I feel depressed.

I really couldn’t deal with more than 24 hours at a time. My life was a lot like the lost tomb 2, I didn’t know what was going on, but it was very confusing. At one point, I was genuinely concerned that it would never end, and they would just be stuck on that stupid bronze tree for the rest of eternity until they died!!!!!!


Spoiler alert: that didn’t happen in the show or my life. For the most part, it’s all good on both accounts. I watched the sand sea and am confident that all of my questions will be answered by the end of the lost tomb 3. Sometimes you just gotta take it one page/episode/tomorrow at a time. Sometimes you need to ask for help, and whether it’s from a person, book, or a spinoff series, it’s okay to ask for help.

So how exactly did I make it through all those tomorrows though? 24 hours is a long time, especially when I felt that depressed. I didn’t sleep that much during the day anymore because the doctor told me it was causing my insomnia. I had heard that before; I just ignored it, but I also cared more once I started trying to get better. That said, if you really feel that bad, then…… and you can quote me on this, “sleep schedules are for losers. Take a nap and try again when you wake up.”

No offense to anyone with a sleep schedule. I have one now, and I’m not taking it personally for the sake of this blog, and I hope you, dear reader, cannot take it personally with me if you also have a sleep schedule. Besides, let’s be real here, sleep schedules are the worst. Ever since I got one, I wake up at 8 no matter what! I once stayed up till 2 in the morning just to prove a point thinking I would sleep till noon…. I actually woke up before 8am that day; WTF!!!

I also watched a lot of comedians and funny movies. It took a while before they actually made me genuinely laugh, but even when I couldn’t bring myself to laugh at anything, sometimes they made me crack a smile. Also, k pop helped a lot. Whether it was the upbeat songs or watching them annoy each other, it made me forget about my life for a little bit and gave me a reason to smile.

Also, someone commented on NCT Dreams’ ‘We Young’ music video saying, “Their hair is brighter than my future” they made my day! I think I laughed for like 2 minutes, and it may have morbid laughter, but it still made my day, week, and possibly my whole life. Although, since then, my future has gotten brighter than I thought it would, it still can’t compete with NCT Dreams’ blinding hair color choices for that video.

While we are on the topic of music, one more quick tip; Try to cut back on the emo- punk rock. Don’t hunt me down for saying that, please I totally understand. It was an icon of my teenage years, and I still love it. However, when you’re trying to feel better mentally, ‘I’m just a kid’ by Simple Plan or ‘last resort’ by Papa Roach is the LAST thing you should be listening to!!

I know it’s just music, and I love punk rock and alternative. Still, it did make a difference when I was careful about the kind of music that I was listening to. It was rough at the time, but now I can listen to ‘bleed it out by Linkin Park all day long……. I don’t, because I regret the day I paid attention to the lyrics, but……. I could if I wanted to.

I still try to watch what I listen to. There are some songs I don’t listen to anymore just because they can affect your mood, especially if I’m already having a not-so-great week. I recommend K-pop for that, specifically Blackpink, Sf9, or Oneus, but there are a lot of groups to choose from.

I mostly say that just because 90% of American pop songs generally sound the same, whether it’s the melody or the lyrics, I just feel like I’ve heard it before. You can totally hate on me for saying that…. I probably won’t care, but I’d understand. I’m not the nicest person when someone says all K-pop songs sound the same, so you have my permission to be offended.

Thank you for reading; I hope it was okay. I always get nervous posting stuff like this because I don’t want to be too dark. At the same time, I also don’t want to downplay anything, so please leave a like if you enjoy it, so I know it was at least half-decent. It’s always super nerve-wracking posting even after I’ve had someone else read through it for me.

Anyway, I know this wasn’t as in-depth as some of my other k-quotes, but I’m definitely not done with the subject. I wanted to have something semi-lighthearted in between so this series doesn’t turn out to be a total downer, but I’m saving the rest for Thursday’s post, so I hope to see you all then. But more importantly I hope to see you tomorrow.

Sincerely,
LIBD

If you are struggling, resources are available. Whether you are in crisis or just need someone to listen. Call or text 988 in the U.S. to speak with someone. Asking for help is not weakness. It’s the bravest thing a person can do. The offer assistance in both English and Spanish. If you live outside of the U.S. you can also look online for local support and resources or reach out to a trusted friend or family member.

snow top mountain under clear sky

Intro: See U Tomorrow

Posted on by LIBD

Hey guys!!!! Welcome to my new series! I know, right: the title looks like the first track on a K-pop album. Also, a few quick shoutouts are in order. Firstly, to my super awesome friend for helping sort out my thoughts to put this all together and proofreading these for me. Also, to said friend, I would like to let you know that I did, in fact, watch pride and prejudice, and while it wasn’t the WORST show I’ve ever watched, it was very (how do I say this nicely) …… cliché? Kind of like a 50-episode Taiwanese drama where the person in charge of subtitles only knows Shakespearian English. My second shoutout is to SF9 for their awesome song ‘See U Tomorrow,’ which helped inspire this series.

This series will touch on depression and suicide, so if you prefer my more upbeat posts, I would definitely pass on this one. That being said, a while back, I heard someone at my church talk about someone who had committed suicide and how they couldn’t fathom what could bring someone to make that decision. I didn’t say anything at the time, but I’m about to provide an answer for them. Remember that everything I discuss concerns my personal experiences with the subject. I would like to go on record saying that I am in no way trying to be a spokesperson for depression because different people experience it differently. I don’t want to make people feel like their feelings are invalid or wrong because you feel differently than I do. That being said, let’s get this thing started!

I touched a bit on personal experiences before in my past posts. Still, I’ll go through a hopefully shorter version (you know how my ‘short’ stories get sometimes). Just so that y’all realize I’m not just writing all this stuff out of nowhere. I promise I am not a science teacher trying to teach history. I hate when people with no experience tell me I just need to be more positive. I’m like, “no! go away.” So, I promise I’m not just one of ‘those people’ as I so fondly call them.

So, to answer that one person’s question in church, let me give a little back story. I struggled with depression off and on for a long time before it got really bad. I went through a few different types of medication, various doctors, and a few counselors. Sometimes it helped for a bit, but none of it truly worked. I never really actually felt better. In college, I didn’t really want to be around people. I mean, I did, but I had this stupid idea that if they cared, they would come to find me to spend time with me (pretty misguided, I know) as if they didn’t have loads of homework and other stuff to do.

Then when I left college, I didn’t have any friends back home, but I had the horse I was leasing, so that was fun, I guess. Eventually, I stopped taking my meds, which is the WORST IDEA IN THE WORLD!! I knew it was stupid, but I didn’t feel like they were helping anyway. Obviously, it just went downhill from there. Eventually, I gave up on horses too, because not even horses could make my life feel like it was worth living at that point. All it did was remind me of what I would never have and everything I would never be able to do. That last choice was really the beginning of the end because then I had nothing. I left my bed every day to go to work, and then I would come home from my 2-5 hour shift and get back into bed because I didn’t know what else I was supposed to do with my life. I didn’t have anyone to talk to or hang out with. I am sure my dog would have loved to go on a walk, but that would have required leaving my bed again, so it usually didn’t happen.

One thing I want to add is something called passive suicidal ideation. It’s where you don’t want to kill yourself, but you don’t really care if you live or wish you were dead, and I had been having that since middle school. I just thought everyone felt that way, and before I got to this point, I didn’t know that I wasn’t supposed to feel like that. I always thought it wasn’t a big deal because it’s not like I actually want to kill myself. Still, I later learned that it’s a big red flag for depression, even though it doesn’t seem super extreme. So, if you ever experience that kind of thing, please take it seriously and talk to someone about it. Please, please, please, do not wait as long as I did.

Alright, back to that person’s question. It really is unfathomable in a way. Even when I look back on how I felt, I know the thought of the feeling is not even close to how bad it actually felt. It was more like uncomfortable, overwhelming loneliness and hopelessness that settles into your entire being, like when you jump into a pool and don’t have any clothes to change into. Then for the rest of the day, your clothes stick to you and weigh you down, except it was every day, and it never ended. That’s how it felt to me, at least. And to answer the question of what would bring someone to that point, I would point out that I didn’t actually want to die. I just really wanted to die. Let me explain that. Honestly, I just wanted the feeling to go away. I didn’t want to feel like that anymore. I wanted it all to go away, and I was scared it would never go away.

I didn’t not want to live, I just wanted it to stop, and at that moment, it seemed like the only way, but I would like to stop here to tell everyone that suicide isn’t your only option. It is however the only permanent option. Even though the idea of living seemed hopeless and terrifying, and I really didn’t want to, I didn’t totally want to just die either. Sleeping was great. It was like death, but without commitment. It stopped for a bit, and sometimes, when I woke up, it was just slightly better for a little while. Sleeping is probably the reason I lasted as long as I did.

A third shoutout has to go to my dog because when my mom finally took me to the doctor (where I was admitted to the hospital shortly after), the doctor told me to tell her what I was feeling. I still remember one of my answers to this day. The one thing I remember saying almost word for word was this: “I’m so tired of feeling this way, and I want to die so bad, but I can’t because my stupid dog doesn’t like anyone else except me, and she would be lost without me so I can’t leave her, but I’m so tired of feeling this way.” Now, whenever I think of that, it always brings a smile to my face because it was so true. It was not too long after I got her, and she was still at the stage where she would barely let anyone else touch her. She was really skittish and had a tendency to bite when she was scared. She even nipped at me when we first met. She’s gotten much better in the 3 years we’ve been together, but I always joke that love at first bite brought us together.

Being in the hospital was sometimes annoying, but I think it helped just being around people and having to eat 3 meals a day. The change of scenery was a good thing too. Even though none of it was by choice, that was the first lesson I learned during my recovery. Recovery is lame 90% time but 200% worth it. It probably took about half a year to feel almost like a normal human being again, and let me tell you, it is a wonderful feeling after years of feeling so depressed. In the years since then, there have been plenty of ups and downs and tears (although not nearly as many as before). Even this week, I was doing really good, but today it’s a real effort to do the stuff I need to do. I still have bad days and the occasionally totally shitty day, and sometimes I worry that I’m going backward, but it always gets better. Sometimes it takes a month, sometimes a week or so, sometimes it’s just some bad days where I have to say, “Screw it. I’ll try again tomorrow”. And that what this series is about it’s about. Not just today’s tomorrow, but all of the tomorrows. All of mine, and hopefully all of your tomorrows too.

I hope you enjoyed the intro. I do have an order worked out. Next up will be k quotes (Tuesday of next week). It will be followed by another post on Thursday (same week) that’s a continuation of the k quotes. Lastly, we will end it with Music Monday for the song that inspired it all the following week.

Sincerely,
LIBD

Whatever Tuesday

Posted on by LIBD

Hey y’all, it’s been forever, I know. I also know it’s not Wednesday, but it’s close enough, and in typical WW fashion……. It’s my blog, and I’ll do what I want. Also, if I don’t post this right now, you will never see it. I just know it. Moving on…

Alright, first things first. I’m typing this in a word document right now because I just copy-paste it into word press before I post it. Also, I haven’t actually used my laptop since whenever 2 posts ago was…. so, like, forever ago. And now there’s a little arrow next to the blinky cursor thingy (that’s official terminology, by the way). I can’t get it to go away, and it’s super annoying, so if anyone knows how I can make it disappear, please tell me. Never mind…. I fixed it. Also glad for the auto recover feature because I didn’t save this before I got mad and restarted my computer. Also, fun fact, I turned my entire computer into 하국말, so that was fun. I didn’t know I could do that. But. It’s back in English, and the arrow thingy is gone, so it’s all good now.

It was nice though. I was initially writing because sometimes, I randomly just feel sad. I did, but that was pretty funny, so I feel better now. I guess I could stop writing, but I’ll just roll with it since I went to all the trouble of making the arrow disappear. Anywho. Does that ever happen to anyone else? Not the switching languages on your computer, but if you’ve done it too, I would love to hear your story, but I mean the feeling sad thing. Like, you’re sitting there, and it’s all good. Reading fanfiction or watching YouTube videos or foreign tv, and then suddenly you just feel so sad. This is the second time it’s happened this week. I think part of it is because I have really bad laryngitis right now, so I can’t talk to people unless I text or use the robot voice on my phone. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I enjoy talking quite a lot, and it sucks when I can only type and stuff.

I guess it’s another one of those things I’ve always taken for granted and didn’t know how much I loved till I didn’t have it anymore. Also, say a prayer for all my friends and family. I should get my voice back in a few days, and I have a lot I have wanted to say, so it might be a little rough for them. Anyway, I don’t like feeling sad; I was watching ‘Inside out the other day, you know, the Disney movie, and I get sadness is important, but it’s so ewwwww. I feel like it’s worse for people who struggle with depression, or at least it is for me, because every time I feel sad, I start freaking out like, “No! I don’t want to be depressed!” I get sadness is just sadness sometimes, but I don’t like the way it makes me feel.

I’m not saying I’m always happy, but “meh” is a nice feeling. It’s like I don’t have to be happy, but because I’m not happy, that doesn’t mean I’m sad either. Wow, look at me learning all about feelings. I should write a book. That’s totally a joke. I’m okay with my blog. I can do single posts, but a book is like an essay that NEVER ENDS! When a teacher said 2-4 pages in school, all I heard was 1 and a half because that half counts as the second page, and they can’t tell me I’m wrong. I miss school. Not the homework but the learning. I like learning; I just don’t like people talking to me for extended periods.

It’s not even the teaching; it’s how they teach. I’m not smart. That’s why I’m there, so put it in ordinary people’s words. Otherwise, it’s just boring, and then I don’t care. My brain has better things to do, like reciting song lyrics, going through the list of Korean verbs that I can remember off the top of my head, or wondering if glasses would help animals too.

There’s that phrase ‘as blind as a bat,’ but do you ever wonder if maybe bats could see better if they wore glasses? Do animals (like animal animals, not pets) even have vision problems like humans do? Is a bear’s lifespan shortened if it can’t see, or does it just roll with the punches and live its life? As you can see, my brain is very busy and doesn’t have a super long attention span. My typing is so informal and subpar because it keeps things interesting for me.

Also, let’s talk about the Superbowl half-time show; I watched some of it, and I’ve listened to both sides, and all I have to say is that if I could dance like Shakira, then I would. Not in public where people can see it, obviously, but I respect talent when I see it. If anyone needs me, I’ll be watching my family-friendly (most of the time) Korean dramas. Or Chinese dramas. I watched ‘The Untamed’ for the 3rd time, and I am still enjoying it. Not to mention there are quite a few other outstanding Chinese shows I am currently watching, such as ‘Prodigy Healer.’ 2022 Edit: DO NOT watch it! I’m not going to talk about it because it makes me go into a rage, but… UGH. Also, the ‘The Legends.’ 2022 Edit: Totally worth watching. I LOVED it. Another good one is the Mountains and Ocean. Best. C-drama. EVER. Literally, OMG, you need to see it.

Also, I watched Togo. You HAVE to make sure you have tissues when you watch it, though. I thought I could make it, and I was so close then. The last 3 minutes came, and then 10 minutes after it ended, I was still crying, but I had admitted before that all of those k dramas turned me into a sappy wimp. For example, in ‘The Untamed, in the last episode, when Lan Zhan smiles, I got all teary-eyed like, “omg, he’s smiling, and it’s so cute. I love them all.” Great show…. Great. Show. That’s all I’m gonna say.

And once again, for all of you who stuck it out till the end, thank you for sharing this very special whatever Tuesday with me. I know I’m feeling a lot better now. If you also had a crappy day, I hope you’re feeling better. If you’re not, I’m sorry, definitely don’t watch Togo now, but maybe Parks and rec or something upbeat and cheerful like that, and I hope you feel better soon. Also, thank you so much for letting me talk in the only way I can right now, I know my thoughts were all over, but this no-talking thing is killing me.

Next time we talk to someone or say hi, let’s just take a minute to appreciate our incredible voices. Also, if anyone wants to do some research on whether or not glasses would be beneficial to animals, please let me know what you find. I’m not going to lie; I’m probably going to look for myself after I post this just because I can, but maybe you know something I don’t, in which case, feel free to share. That’s such a stupid idea vision impairments aside, bears seem to be doing just fine without glasses. Why did I even bring this up? Alright, now I’m going to go watch parks and rec, and I will see you next time.

Untitled

Posted on by LIBD

Hey y’all, it’s been a long time, hasn’t it? I had a bad day that turned into a bad month that never seemed to end. I have good days here and there, but it all feels the same at the end of the day. Like tonight, I had a really great time at my riding lesson. It was so much fun, yet here I am, all bummed out, feeling like I just want to cry. I probably will before I finish this. I talked to my counselor today, and she told me to blog because it helps. So even though I don’t want to, I’m lying here in bed typing on my phone. It’s probably going to have a bunch of typos, but honestly, I’m too tired to care about that right now.

I don’t even really know what to type. Depression sucks because it’s so freakin’ hard to do anything. I have all this stuff I need to do, but I can’t bring myself to do it. Yep, here come the tears…. I don’t like that I can’t even get myself to brush my teeth most days. I want to put my laundry away, so I don’t have to dig through baskets to find clothes, but I can’t bring myself to do that either. That’s just the little stuff though. I’ve also got to get my permit, switch doctors, and a bunch of other adult-type things, and just thinking about it makes me want to give up.

I made tentative plans with a friend that I’m trying not to think about because I can’t even be excited because I’m terrified something going to come up for them. It will not work out because that’s how it tends to go with the people making plans. I get it; life happens, but why is it always me?

Also, I hate to be petty, but one of the members of Stray Kids left, and it’s not a big deal, but it is because K-pop was supposed to be the one thing I could always count on. I know I still have Snuper, JBJ95, and BTS, but they won’t be around forever, and I feel like there’s nothing I can count on anymore. Nothing lasts forever.

I know I’m not supposed to think about the future because it makes me have panic attacks like I’m having right now, but I honestly don’t know how I’m supposed to deal with life. It’s so frickin’ hard. That’s the thing about depression; it really drags you down. Not only can I not bring myself to do stuff, but I feel like a failure for not doing it. My counselor says it’s not my fault. Still, it is because I can’t not do stuff forever just because I’m depressed. I really want to, and I’m scared because I’m starting to feel really bad like I did before, and I don’t want to feel like that again, but I’m starting to and don’t like it.

I don’t know why life is so hard for me, but even when I wasn’t feeling so depressed, it was still hard, which was even worse. I could barely deal with it before; now, it feels hopeless. The mere thought of making appointments and getting my permit makes me cry even more. And I hate it. I hate it so much because even though I joke about it, I really like being happy. And it’s so hard to remember what happiness feels like when you are so down. Like, I know it happened before, and I know it will happen again. Still, it seems impossible when I’m sitting at the bottom of the rabbit hole that I’ve fallen into.

If I had to pick one sentence to describe depression, I would have to quote my brother. I don’t remember the story behind it, but it ended with, “I am straight up Not having a good time right now.” I feel it. I really do. Life is hard, and sometimes I must take my own advice even when I don’t want to. If I wasn’t me, I would tell myself 5 things… First, “Give yourself some credit. Fighting off depression is a feat in and of itself, and you are doing so good.” Secondly, I would tell not me… “I’m so proud of you for hanging in there and fighting for the happiness you deserve.” Thirdly, I would advise not me…. “You need to reschedule that appt with your psychiatrist. I know you hate phone calls, but do you really hate phone calls more than you hate feeling like this?”. Fourth… “I know it feels bad right now, and happiness feels so far away, but you know it gets better. It has before, and it will again.” Lastly, I would tell someone who’s not me to listen to ‘Better’ by OneRepublic and take their advice…

“Yes I’m neurotic I’m obsessed and I know it
I can’t take vacations in the brain won’t believe me I’d be on one
Hawaii under warm sun…”

“… I swear I’m not insane
Yes most likely not insane
Everybody goes through moments of losing their clarity
At least I’m never boring…”

“…Think you lost your mind
Well don’t worry about it
Happens all the time
In the morning you’ll be better
Things are only getting better
Sing it again
I think I lost my mind
Don’t worry about me
Happens all the time
In the morning I’ll be better”

Better by OneRepublic

Well, I cried my eyes out, had a panic attack, and had an existential crisis, so I should be suitable for at least another week. My counselor said there’s a fancy word for my feelings. I don’t remember what it was, but it’s like at the beginning of the week, I’ll be fine and doing okay, and then by the end of the week, I feel like this. Then I’m good again for a few more days, and it goes on and on (great song by Vixx, btw). Ha! That’s actually very fitting because in their song ‘On and On,’ there is this one line in the bridge that repeats, “I need therapy, lalalalala therapy.” It’s my favorite part.

The redeeming part of this late-night meltdown was that number one, writing did help, and I feel a bit better now. I might actually be able to sleep (nobody tell my counselor she’s right). Secondly, I actually wrote something, and even though it was riddled with errors, I can at least say that I did something today. And thirdly, while I was in the middle of ugly crying, my dog, who usually lays at my feet, came up to my head to demand cuddles, which also helped make me feel better. She’s not a service dog or anything; she’s just awesome like that.

Well, my dear readers, thank you to those of you who made it all the way through this. I hope you all are doing well, but I will leave you with some very special song lyrics for those of you who may be feeling like me.

“…Falling feels like flying till you hit the ground
So meet me at the bottom
Where we’ve got nowhere to go but up
Nowhere to go but up
Its the perfect place to start from
Where we’ve got nowhere to go but up
Nowhere to go but up”

Nowhere To Go But Up by Stellar Kart

Whatever Wednesday

Posted on by LIBD

Hey guys, it’s been a while hasn’t it. This whatever Wednesday is going to be a bit different. I haven’t really been doing the best, but with everything going on in the world I can’t just still not say anything. It’s a two parter but it’s going to be one big, long post so buckle up.

Part one is going to start with this rough draft I typed up on my phone a week or so ago, but never had the energy to post.

I’m fine. It’s true I can’t say I’m not fine because I am. I’m doing so much better, by do some days just feel so hard. It feels wrong to say I’m feeling depressed because it’s not the really bad depressed like it was. I just feel tired and worn out. All the little things like showering, brushing my teeth, or washing my face all seem like more effort than it’s worth. I don’t like feeling like this. Ever since I started doing better I’ve never admitted to feeling depressed anymore because it’s not like I’m sad or hopeless. I’m just so tired of trying so hard. Normally it goes away after a few days but it’s been almost a week and I can feel the black cloud making a comeback. I’m hanging in there though. Today I showered, brushed my teeth, and washed my face(only in the morning though). I also cleaned up a little bit before my friend came over. It’s been nice not having to be alone. That has definitely helped, but the problem is I’ve done all this stuff so why do I feel like I’m not doing anything. I want to study korean more but I can’t bring myself to put forth the effort. It’s so easy to feel discouraged. I don’t want to, but it seems like every time I turn a corner it’s right there. I just want someone to tell me that I’m doing good and it’s gonna be okay. I tell myself that all day long but it’s different when you here it from someone else. I know recovery isn’t always unicorns and rainbows, but I don’t want to feel like this, and I’m afraid it’s not going to get better. I know it’s not that bad but I don’t want it to be bad again. I just want to find my way out of the fog but I don’t see a way out. I’m watching this Chinese drama called ‘The Lost Tomb Two’ and every week they add 6 new episodes. The episodes are 40 minutes long. When they left off the week before they were exploring this tomb and after this week…… THEY ARE STILL IN THE DAMN TOMB! So much happened in those 4 hours and they are still trying to find a way out. The plot barely progressed at all and I have no idea how they managed to fill up four hours with so much action packed nothingness. It’s exactly how I feel about my depression I know it’s gonna be okay and I know it’s gonna get better and I’ve done so much….. WHY AM I STILL DEPRESSED! I suppose it will just take time. It always does I just hope I can get out of my depression faster than they are getting out of that tomb. It’s been FOREVER….. I know next week though tall dark and handsome Ninja dude will find a way for them to escape. He always comes through when it counts. I love him. But I know he knows stuff that everyone else doesn’t and I want to know what he knows and how he knows what he knows because he’s to perfect, and surely he has to have at least one dislike-able quality. But regardless, they can always count on him to save the day. I guess I need to trust myself like they trust super awesome ninja guy. I’ve had rough patches before and bounced back like I always do. Maybe this one is taking a little longer but I just gotta keep moving forward. Even if my life feels like 4 hours of a bunch of nothing. It doesn’t mean the entire show is bad. It was good before now. And I have high hopes that next weeks episodes will get the ball rolling again. It’s not over till it’s over and if I stop watching because of a few bad episodes then I might miss out on some fantastic future episodes. Plus I wouldn’t wanna miss out on tall dark and handsome saving the day. Again. And let’s be honest I’m sure there will be many more agains in the future. They are lucky he likes them, or they would have all died in season 1. And then there would be no season 2 to complain about. So, I think I have to focus on what I am doing instead of what I’m not doing. I also need to make sure I’m getting at least one thing accomplished each day so I don’t totally quit. I’m also seeing if I can hang out with my brother and my friend throughout the week so that I won’t get lonely. People need other people. I feel a bit better already just knowing I have a plan. I hope I can stick to it and feel better soon.

That was written a while ago, but I woke up yesterday feeling a lot better and coincidentally the show has picked back up as well, and I can’t wait for the new episodes. It got worse before it got better (on both accounts), but I’m just going to focus on the better.

So that’s why I’ve been gone so long. At least I didn’t totally give up on my FB page also I managed to add a quote and sneak in a music Monday just for the sake of being able to say I did something. Hopefully I’ll be back to posting weekly again after this.

This second part is in response to current events because it’s really hard to not be depressed when you are hearing about mass shootings and people dying. I wasn’t going to bother writing about it until I saw this clip from ‘The Late Late Show with James Corden‘. (it’s 4 minutes long, but it will give you some context for this next part)

After I watched this, it really got me thinking. Especially because the reason I wasn’t going to write about it was because “it was just another tragic news story”. How screwed up is that, that when I hear about a mass shooting on the news, I’m not even surprised?! That’s F’d up! I should be shocked that something like this would happen it should be all anyone is talking about because that’s how horrible and shocking it is. The fact that we have become so desensitized to things like this that we don’t even hear about all of it is disgusting, and quite frankly I’m ashamed of myself a little bit. Because when I heard about it, I was like, “oh boy not again.” What the heck kind of jagweed response is that? I feel terrible about it, but it’s basically become a part of life now and it makes me sick that I live in a world where things like this are happening, and we are too busy fighting with each other to try and come up with a solution!

Growing up I was told about what a great country we live in. About how we provided a safe place for people from all over the world to live and work. All this freedom we have and how hard so many people fought for America to be what it is today. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think the America we have today is something we should be proud of. I know for a fact a bunch of people didn’t lay down their lives for their country just to have all this hatred and violence that we have today.

We told everyone they were welcome to come to this “New World”, but now we’re telling them all that they need to go. Very rude by the way. We were one nation, but now we hate each other because we have differing views on politics, gun control, and abortion, so obviously we can’t be friends if we don’t agree (that was sarcasm by the way in case you missed it). I don’t know much about economy, but I’ve heard it’s not much to brag about either. Where the hell is this great, proud, nation that all my teachers told me about because it sounded amazing, and I would love to go there. Why can’t we all just be nice to each other. You don’t have to agree, with another person to not be a jagweed to them. Quite frankly even if we were pretty great back in the day, no one is looking up to us as a country right now. No one is looking America, with all its hatred, bitterness, and violence, and saying, “You know what? I wish we could all live there”. I’m not even sure I want to live here anymore. If I had the money I’d move to the UK until I finish learning Korean. And then I’ll move there where there are no guns, but they seem to be doing just fine without them. Who would have thought?

All bitterness and sarcasm aside. We’ve got to get it together people. I literally want to cry every time I see the news. We need to do something about it. Don’t ask me what because I’m only two days out of depression plus I’m not that good at planning; but think of the little things. If we all just started being nice to each other saying, “you know what, I don’t agree with your opinion about abortion, but that’s okay because I love tacos, and so do you so let’s go eat tacos and not talk about things we don’t agree on.” If we really want America to be great again, we’ve first got to be kind again. Then maybe, just maybe…… we might be able to be great.

That’s all I’m going to say. I hate politics. Mostly because everyone these days is to uptight and defensive to have mature, civil, adult conversations about conflicting viewpoints, so I don’t even bother. I just made an exception this one time because I have faith in my 7 readers to not freak out just because I have stated my personal opinion. Plus, I already had my friend proofread it and she said it was okay. She didn’t spell check it so the spelling and grammar errors are all on me, but you know maybe one day I’ll care about being grammatically correct, but that day isn’t today because I am too busy typing the longest run on sentence in history just because I can. That was supposed to lighten the mood a bit. Did it work?

Turn that Frown Upside down

Posted on by LIBD

I can’t stand it when people tell me to “just be happy.” If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my battle with depression, it’s that happiness is NOT a choice. So what do you do when you are having a rough day? Maybe every day is a rough day; I’ve been there, and it is NOT fun. If you’re like me, perhaps you don’t even want to get out of bed on a bad day. After all, what could the world possibly have to offer when everything is going so wrong? Well….. It has ALOT to offer even though it doesn’t seem like it at the time. I’m not saying you have to be overjoyed to greet the day (I never am), but speaking from experience laying in bed will get you nowhere in life. (Do as I say, not as I do, and all that.)

I love spending the day in bed as much as the next person, but it never improves the situation. Even if you don’t want to leave your house, any time you can spend out of your room is GREAT! Another smart choice is to listen to upbeat music or watch a funny movie/ comedian. I used to listen to sad music when I felt down, and it only made me feel worse (2019 Editors Note: try kpop. it always cheers me up). Lastly, talk to someone, even if it’s a one-way conversation with a pet. Sometimes just being around other people can take your mind off the problem. Storms don’t last forever, and neither will your situations (even if they seem like they will). God doesn’t give us any more than we can handle. He often has way more confidence in my ability to handle things than I do, but he never leaves us stranded even when we feel like we are. I’ve found the easiest way to make it through rough patches in life is to take it 24 hours at a time. Remember, tomorrow is a new day.

Sincerely,
LifeInspiredByDreams