If I Had 1 Hour

Alright, I know it’s a week later than I promised in part 1. I didn’t have anyone to proofread this one, so I was super nervous about posting it, so it doesn’t matter who you are; please tell me if it’s no good, so I can delete it. Also, my room, brain, and life are all kind of a hot mess right now, so I figured this was as good a time as any to keep this series going. Alright *closes eyes and looks away*…. Here it is… 1 hour of reasons to keep living.

Whenever I hear that someone has committed suicide, it always makes me feel really sad. Even if I don’t know the person or have never heard of them before in my entire life. It always bugged me, and I told my friend this one day how I wish I could have had 1 hour to change their mind. And that’s how today’s blog post came to be. If I had 1 hour to change someone’s mind, this is what I would want to say to them. I’m going to set a timer for 1 hour exactly and see how much I can come up with in one hour. Here it goes….

I would start by telling them how awesome and important they are. Because no one can be you quite like you can, and I think that’s pretty darn impressive. I would also tell them to take a minute and reflect on their life because everyone has their good and not-so-good moments. I would say to them to think about the people around them and remind them that just because people aren’t always the best about telling you how much they care doesn’t mean they don’t care.

Then I would ask them to think carefully about their decision because life won’t be like this forever. I promise you, and you can quote me on this; it always gets better. Unfortunately, some people give up too soon (I was almost one of them) and never find out how wonderful life can be. I would tell them to look at how far they have come and how much they’ve accomplished in life. We’ve come too far and fought too hard to give up now.

Today I was waiting in line at Starbucks, and it was a LONG line. There were multiple times where I just wanted to say, forget it, it’s not worth it. Still, by the time I really considered going home, I had already been waiting 12 minutes. There were only two more cars in front of us, and I really wanted my mocha frappe. And it did feel like hours before I finally got it. Still, it tasted soooooo good, and it would have sucked if I had decided to get out of line just because it was taking forever.

When I say things will get better, it usually doesn’t happen overnight, but eventually, the tomorrow that you are waiting for will come, and you will be so glad that you stuck it out even when it seemed pointless. I know feelings can be overwhelming, but they can’t hurt you, and you shouldn’t let them. Hopelessness is just a feeling. Just because life feels hopeless doesn’t mean it is, and if you fight through that hopelessness, I can promise you it will be worth it.

The k quote from last week says, “If you live your life surviving each day like that, eventually a good day will come. Then one day you will say to yourself, ‘It’s good that I didn’t kill myself that day”. I remember thinking that day would never come, but it has come and gone and come again. I’m riding horses again, and I love every minute of it. Last year, I won second place in the obstacle course and the cup race in the show.

I’ve seen so many fabulous k dramas’ that I’m so glad I got to see; I keep finding new k pop groups I like, such as ONEUS and Target. Even non-kpop artists like the Satellite Station. I went to the movies with my grandma; I celebrated my birthday and Christmas and got great presents. I went with my mom to take my grandma down to Florida for the past 2 years and had a great time there.

I finally made a friend and started talking to old friends I hadn’t been in contact with before. I have the best dog in the world (most of the time). I have a bt21 themed desk that is just 너무 귀여워 (too cute); I discovered cookie dough cake pops which are a gift from God himself, and to think I would have missed out on all of this if I had given up back then. I’m so glad I was able to get help and get better because now I can say to anyone without a shadow of a doubt that depression is not the end, even when it feels like it is.

It’s the bronze tree of life. I don’t know if you’ve seen the lost tomb 2, but the beginning is good. The end is not totally awful, but there’s like at least 10, possibly more episodes (Editing Note: I guess it’s only 7 or 8, but it felt like at least 10 or more) in the middle where they are exploring this cave tomb thing where they find a bronze tree and it’s lame and boring, and stupid.

Now I’m reading the book, and I don’t even want to read it! It felt like it was NEVER going to end. Every episode, I’d think, “surely this is the episode where they get out,” but it never was, and then you wonder if it is even worth it to keep watching.

I almost just gave up on it 4 times, but eventually, they got out, and maybe it isn’t entirely worth continuing yet, but I’ve got a lot of info from the books, and I have high hopes for the lost tomb 3. Sometimes life is just like that; you might feel stuck and trapped as if there’s no possible way things will ever work out, but I promise they do, and I think now is the time to add another of my all-time favorite k quotes from Just Between Lovers. “Just as misfortune comes to you unexpectedly, miracles also come out of the blue just as we’re about to give up hope.”

What if you gave up today and were just 1 or 2 tomorrows away from your special tomorrow? I remember my first special tomorrow. I was at riding lessons, and I fell off my horse (she’s not really mine; I just ride her for lessons, but I like to call her mine) Sunshine, and I remember laying there in the dirt, and for the first time in forever I felt hope (weird right?). My instructor asked me if I was okay, and I gave her a thumbs up and said, “I’m good. I’m just going to lay here for a bit and accept defeat”, but I didn’t feel defeated.

My head and neck hurt a bit (I had whiplash for 2 or 3 days, but that’s why we always wear a helmet, kids.). Still, I remember that moment when all the heaviness and cloudiness in my chest was lifted. I finally felt okay and knew at that moment, just like the quote said, “it’s a good thing that I didn’t kill myself that day.”

Life isn’t about everything going right. It’s not about having it all together and knowing exactly where you’re going. Life happens when you fall off your horse, and you’re lying there in the dirt, but you get back on and try again. Life happens when everything falls apart, but you choose to keep living because you know it will get better.

Life is about trying your best to make each and every tomorrow better than yesterday. Because life doesn’t stay awful forever, and even though it takes time, I promise, promise, promise you, your special tomorrow will come. I’ve got 17 minutes left, so I want to share one more thing that you may have seen in one of my past blog posts but is worth repeating.

One day in outpatient therapy, I met with my psychiatrist, who told me something I will always hold on to. He told me, “Only bad things happen overnight; earthquakes that destroy whole cities, forest fires, hurricanes…. Good things take time, and you must be patient if you want good things to come.” It’s totally accurate, and I totally hate being patient, but he didn’t say I had to like waiting. The point is that I shouldn’t give up when things don’t start getting better right away because I never know how close my special tomorrow will be. It might be days, months, or a year or more.

That being said, I promise you when it comes, you will be so glad you stuck around to see it. I know life is complicated, and sometimes this might sound like empty words, so if you don’t believe anything else I say, believe that it will get better because I can absolutely 100% promise you with all my heart that it will. (Editing Note: I will not only promise but also swear on my entire K-pop collection that it will get better. That’s how sure I am).

7 minutes left and 1000 spelling and grammar errors that I’ll have to fix in the final edit, but I think I said everything that I wanted to say. 1 whole hour worth of reasons to keep living. Except I did forget one last thing……

I sincerely hope to see you tomorrow,
LIBD

If you’re in crisis or thinking about suicide, you’re not alone. In the U.S. you can call or text 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline for free, confidential support 24/7.

Wherever you are in the world, please reach out to someone. Tomorrow needs you here.