I’ve been sad lately. Not a crying sad, but a tired, burnt-out type of sad. I was watching Chasing Maverick’s this evening, and a quote stood out to me. It was, “What are you afraid of? You’ve got a chance to change everything. Take it…. This is about the choices you make in life. This is about finding that one thing that sets you free. You need to believe in yourself, or none of this matters.”
It got me thinking, what am I really afraid of? Beyond social anxiety, fear of water, and making phone calls. What is it that really bugs me, deep down inside? I never thought about it. I prefer to ignore it like all my problems, lol. What good is it to think of such things? Perhaps he was trying to say that you cannot overcome your fears if you don’t acknowledge them. So what is Er-Budd so afraid of. I’ve always known the answer to that question. I’m just not sure there is anything to be done about it. I’m not brave like the boy in the movie, but perhaps acknowledging them is overcoming them. Maybe once you are aware of them, you can work to deal with the fear until you can overcome it. What if I can’t though?
I’m afraid one day, when I die, my life will have meant nothing. All the tears, all the pain, all the blog posts……. I’m afraid my entire life will have been meaningless. Okay, now I’m crying sad I guess. All I’ve ever wanted is to make the world a better place. My life sucks, but I’ve always felt like it will suck a lot less, knowing I made someone else’s life better. I’m afraid I want my blog to be popular and well-known for selfish reasons. As much as I shallowly wish to have love, fame, and fortune, it terrifies me. I’m afraid I’m not really a good person. I’m so scared if people knew everything about me, no one would like me. I’m worried I’m not good enough. I’m afraid my blog is pointless. Like, 5 people read it. How can I change the world with an audience of 5?
Don’t get me wrong, my 5 readers, I appreciate you dearly, but as I said, I’m selfish. I’m afraid I’m not good enough. I talk all day about how I don’t care what anyone thinks of me. Still, I’m terrified of getting a tattoo because I’m worried about what other people will think, what I will think. I’m terrified of making more mistakes. I’ve made so many already, and I don’t want to be a failure. I have already failed at school, and I’m concerned my life is going nowhere. I’m scared to death that what I am now is all I’ll ever be. I just want my life, my blog, or anything about me to mean something.
Geez, I’ve been trying to get myself to cry for 2 days now. I was just trying to ignore everything that was making me sad. Now that I’m acknowledging it, I can finally cry properly. I think most of all, I’m afraid I’m going to be scared forever. I just want to make this shitty world a little less shitty for everyone. I’m worried I’m not trying hard enough. I’m afraid I don’t care enough. I’m not a nice person, and I’m terrified that one day everyone will see how truly horrible I am. I hate putting money in the church offering, yet I’ll buy kpop merch without a second thought. I don’t always want to spend time with people, but then I get mad when they don’t want to spend time with me. I hate that I can’t say everything I would like to tell my parents because there are some things you shouldn’t say to adults older than you, even if it’s true. I hate respecting others when they refuse to respect me. I hate telling customers to have a great day when I’m not having a great day. I hate how much I hate. I’m worried that no one will ever love me, and I’ll die forever alone. I’m afraid I’ll forever be an extra in the background like I always have been. I want so badly to be the main character. However, I’m also afraid I’ll become fake and hypocritical and more self-absorbed than I already am. I want my life to mean something so badly, yet I’m terrified of what will happen if it does. Who am I??? I’m just some person who works at a fast-food place. I’m just another face you’ll see in passing. I’m no one special, and that kills me inside to admit.
So, what am I afraid of?? I’m afraid I’ll never matter, but I’m also afraid of the person I’ll become if I do. I’m afraid I’ll only ever be just another human being in the endless expanse of time. Why am I trying so hard with this blog? Perhaps because even if no one cares, at least I can say I’m doing something no matter how pointless or insignificant. I’ve always been jealous of the people who were popular and loved by everyone. That’s what I’ve always wanted, but how self-centered and pathetic is that?. Then people would know how not nice I am. There are so many successful people doing meaningful, significant things with their life, and I’m over here, typing away to an audience of just a few. Life is terrifying. The kid in the movie went on to be amazing. He died really young, which was super sad, but he left something behind for the rest of the world. What if 65 years from now, I die old and alone with nothing to show for my entire life. What am I even doing here? I just trying to make my life a life worth living, and all I can do is hope and pray that one day it will be, but I’ll never know for sure, and that’s what scares me most of all. I’ll end this one with a quote from a song I’ve always held onto.
Swallow your pride before you choke on your issues
Everything by Murs
I know you got family and folks that’ll miss you
So don’t misuse this gift you’ve been given
This life’s but a dream you are blessed to be livin’
I take everything
Your hopes and your dreams and your hate and your lies
Mmm, mmm, mmm, in this life
I’ll join everyone
From the old and the wise to the young as they fly
Ooh, when I die
And basically man, I’m just a dude who tries to do right
You know I try to make my tomorrows better than my yesterdays
Without hurting anyone else in the process
Cause if you leave the world a better place than it was when you got here
then we all win
Sincerely,
LIBD
