depression - Life Inspired By Dreams

Almost Over by Aquilo

Posted on February 26, 2024May 23, 2026 by LIBD

The song title may be confusing. This is the end of the series; it’s over; it’s just the song that’s Almost Over. I’m sorry my jokes aren’t on point right now. I can’t believe I wrote and scheduled all of this in 36 hours. I’m sorry I have to brag about that. Moving on, I shared this song on Facebook a long time ago when it first came out. One of my friends commented that it was really dark and depressing. I don’t think it is. I find it to be a very comforting song. I like songs that don’t tell you how or what to feel; they just make you feel what you are feeling. Whatever that emotion may be, and sometimes you just need to feel.

For all you know, we're broken pieces
I'm finding it hard to live
With something that won't last

It’s times like this that make me wish I never got better. It never lasts, and it makes times like this feel even worse. Even if I clean something, it will probably just get messy before I clean something else. Happiness doesn’t last, so why do I want to feel it again so bad? Maybe I’m just stupid.

For all you know
You're still my weakness
I'm finding it hard to
Fake a smile that I don’t have

It may be hard to fake a smile, but I am an incredible actor. No one has any idea that I’m dying inside. As I said, it’s not their problem, and it’s not like they can wave a magic wand to make it better. There’s no sense telling them; if I did talk to them about it, I would say…. “Just tell me I’m gonna be okay. Tell me I don’t suck.” Even if they told me though, it’s hard to know if people are nice to you because they believe it or they are trying to be nice. Maybe I’m just not nice.

[Chorus] Hold on
I've got a feeling like this is almost over
Hold on
I've got a feeling like we're almost done
We don't need this anymore
We don't need this anymore

Not only do I not need this. I don’t have time for this. I’m supposed to be getting my room clean. Saving money and praying every day that this one apartment I want will open up and my brother will still want to be my roommate until I get used to living on my own. I can’t be like this forever; I just can’t. Is this madness really almost over? Maybe that’s just wishful thinking.

We're both waiting for the moment
When one or the other
Cuts the light and locks the door
But in this limbo where we're frozen
We're not going anywhere
We're not who we were before

I hate how accurate that is. I hate being stuck in this in between. I’m not going anywhere; I’m not who I was before. Granted, who I was before wasn’t amazing, but this Erin is useless. 10/10 do not recommend. Maybe my psychiatrist is right, and I’m just spiraling.

[Chorus]
I've given everything [x3]
And it's over
I've given everything [x3]
And it's gone

It’s hard to explain that I’m trying hard when it doesn’t look like I’m trying. That’s the other reason I don’t like people to know. They’ll tell me what to do. They’ll tell me to shower more often and wash my face so I’ll feel better about myself. They’ll tell me to clean my room so it won’t constantly stress me out. They’ll tell me to just do one little thing every day so it’s not so overwhelming. Maybe they’ll tell me to eat ice cream and cry. The last one might actually help me if it didn’t make me feel like I’m not trying to be healthier. Do you think I’m incompetent? Don’t you think if it was that easy, then this series wouldn’t exist? Maybe I am Incompetent.

Hold on
I've got a feeling like it's almost over
Hold on
I've got a feeling like we're almost done

In the intro, I mentioned the book series that inspired this series. I’m sure the children in the story felt this way. Like surely, this awfulness can’t continue. I have to think they often hoped it was almost over, and each book did end. Each ending was just another calm before another storm. I don’t think any of the children had a major depressive disorder. Although surely that level of trauma would have a massive effect on someone psychologically. Maybe they were stronger than me.

We don't need this anymore [x4]
Hold on
I've got a feeling like this is almost over

The books get longer as the series goes on. The stories of the three siblings always got worse and worse until it suddenly wasn’t. Like I said in the intro, I only just finished book one, but maybe I can learn something. Misery loves company and all that. Even if this season of my life is almost over, I won’t know until it happens. I guess I’ll just hold on. I don’t have a feeling like this is almost over, but that doesn’t mean anything. Maybe one day, my life that’s so horrible will just suddenly not be horrible. Maybe it is Almost Over.

Thank you for reading. If anyone else is struggling, I hope your hard times are also almost over. Until then, all we can do is hold on because holding on is better than nothing. I wish you all the best. Stay safe, stay well, and let’s keep our fingers crossed for a better tomorrow.

Sincerely,
LIBD

It Gets Better by Dotan

Posted on February 19, 2024February 4, 2024 by LIBD

Hey guys. I hope this month has been treating you well. I don’t think I’ve ever written this many Music Mondays in a long while, so there probably won’t be many more once this series ends. I know, I know, I’ll shut up. This is another comfort song of mine. I try not to listen to it unless I’m having a horrible day because it’s a bit of a downer, but driving home from my friend’s house last night, it felt right. I had a great time, but then I had to go back to my life, and the feeling hit me once again.

There's paper peeling off the walls
I see the paint from yesteryear
We try to cover up the past
But tiny secrets still appear

I remember this time last year, I was doing great. I was ready to face the world. My mental health was probably the best it had been in a long while. I don’t know what happened to that girl. I really miss her. I’m a mess, my room is a mess, my head is a mess, and my future is uncertain. I feel like I’m falling apart, and there’s nothing I can do except watch it happen.

So please don't say it gets better
It gets better, it gets better on with time
I'm not better
We're not better, even after all this time

I keep waiting for it to get better like it always does. But it isn’t getting better. If anything, I feel like I’m getting worse. Things are more complicated. I feel like mentally, I’ve taken 20 steps back. I miss feeling good. I miss feeling hope. You know how I love to talk about my favorite soccer team. Their story for this season is pretty similar to mine. They started off strong. Things were really looking up. We lost Harry Kane, but we don’t need him anymore because we’ve got James Madison. I could have sworn this would be our season. But between injuries, suspensions, and a few bad calls, it went downhill really fast. We don’t even have Sonny because he’s playing in the Asia Cup, and we are playing Man City next. I’m not getting my hopes up, even with our new recruits.

The kitchen floor's a checkered board
We've tried to end this game for years
The tiles are cracked, the color's changed
The battleground is all but cleared

I realized that having depression is a lot like having the kind of muscular dystrophy I have. It could be worse, so I shouldn’t complain. But it’s almost cruel in a way. In terms of MD, I’m close enough to fine that sometimes I almost feel normal. Then something happens, or something hurts, and I’m slapped in the face with my limitations. Depression is similar. I don’t always feel depressed. Last night, I cooked some meals and watched Our Flag Means Death with my friend. It was so much fun; we laughed so hard, and I had a great time. It reminded me of when I was happy and doing good. At that moment, I thought I was, but now I’m back home, and I kind of want to cry. How on earth can I be so great and suddenly so awful. If I was depressed 24/7, it probably wouldn’t feel as bad.

So please don't say it gets better
It gets better, it gets better on with time
I'm not better
We're not better, even after all this time
Caught in the cobwebs
Memories linger in these rooms
Under the floorboards
Sweeping the stories we outgrew

I know part of it’s my fault. Messy space=messy head=messy life. I can’t bring myself to clean. I told myself this year that in between work days when I have time off, I would pick one thing and do it. So why haven’t I? All of this combined is reminding me of before, when I was really bad. I always write about how it’ll get better because it always does. This time feels different, though. It should be better by now. I should be better by now. But I’m not. If anything, I’m worse.

It's not a place to call home
Just a place we've been for years
The garden weeds have overgrown
We've overstayed our welcome here

This describes my living situation. I still live with my mom and her husband. I kind of feel like I have. It’s mine, but not really. I wanna have my own space that’s all mine. I’m worried I’ll let it fall into disarray like I have here. Will I ever be able to move forward? Get out of this place. Somewhere where I can just be. I want a home. My home. I don’t want to worry about people being mad because I don’t come upstairs to talk or worry about forgetting to say hi or ignoring someone because, honestly, I don’t want them there. I just don’t know if it will ever happen. Why should I move out? Just so I can go make a mess somewhere else? Just so I can be a mess somewhere else?

So please don't say it gets better
It gets better, it gets better on with time
I'm not better
We're not better, even after all this time
It gets better, it gets better
It gets better, it gets better on with time
I'm not better
We're not better, even after all this time

Even after all this time….
If you haven’t listened to this song, you totally should. It’s a great crying song, and just a great song to sit and feel. Life sucks sometimes, and some things won’t ever get better. Not after all the time in the world, but there are a lot of things that could potentially change. As to whether or not they actually will….. Time will tell, I suppose. Don’t forget to check my Instagram for the final song in the series. Hint: If you liked this one you are gonna love the next one

Sincerely,
LIBD

high angle shot of a person walking alone in the desert

Dune by Ateez

Posted on February 12, 2024February 4, 2024 by LIBD

When I first heard this song, I was like, “I don’t know what you are so angry about, but I feel it, bro, I feel it.” I finally looked up the lyrics one day and said, “Wow. They really get me.” Ateez is another K-pop group, they have a different style than Oneus but they have a lot of relatable lyrics.

The light in my deserted heart
Reflected in a broken mirror
The desire in my eyes is disappearing
Further and further down

Sometimes, I see the mess in my life, and I just get so frustrated. I don’t have words. I just have lots of feelings that are overwhelming, and then I’ll grab my headphones and put this song on. Perhaps everything is awful, and my life is falling apart. In those moments, it feels so good to be mad.

The pouring rain falls and presses on my head (Presses)
Struggling so hard to get up somehow (use my strength)
I'm suffocating, I can't even count the sacrifices
I'm falling endlessly (I'm still falling down)

Sometimes I dig myself into a hole so deep I wonder if it’s worth the effort to try and get out. Perhaps even my best effort wouldn’t be enough, so it’s so much easier to accept defeat instead of trying to keep fighting to get out. It’s not that I haven’t tried, but how long should I try before it becomes insanity. After all, they say insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result.

[Pre-Chorus] Heaven's door
Is unreachable and getting
further and further away

The more I try, the more I want to give up. At this point, it just feels like a losing battle. I don’t know how it even got to this.

[Chorus] What am I hurt for?
Of countless people, why me?
Who should I blame?
I Still hear it, keep your head down
Oh-oh Breathless here everyday
Oh-oh, I can't escape it

I’ve said before that depression is like sitting in a dark room, having no idea where you are, and waiting for someone to come rescue you….. Except you know that no one is coming. It’s not anyone else’s problem though, so as nice as it would be, how could I blame anyone else. If I know that no one is coming, shouldn’t I just start trying to get out on my own? Am I a crazy person? Well, more so than my usual crazy.

Yeah, yeah
Broken lights, panic (Panic)
Tied up in chains
You could be my doll
Lost in my desire
Pop, pop
Forcefully knocked back in defeat
Into shaking waves down, down
The wind's pressure wraps around

I love it when rappers put English lyrics in their Korean songs. It just doesn’t translate well. It just sounds weird. Setting the first part aside, the second part is pretty accurate. I don’t think I could say it any better myself.

Hey, save me here, help me
Hold my hand, please hold me
Water, the water keeps drying up, I'm thirsty
Even if I scream, it doesn't come out

Depression is surprisingly quiet for such a loud emotion. It seems crazy to be feeling everything I’m feeling and not make a sound. That’s the nice thing about K-pop songs like this. Even without reading the English translation, I can feel the gist of the lyrics just by listening. That’s how it feels when I’m feeling all these things, but I can’t verbalize that madness. It’s okay though; Ateez did it for me.

Into the depths
I'm in danger of disappearing
Can you remember
Will I be able to remember
Even with the shriek of my desperation
[Pre-Chorus & Chorus]

It gets worse when I’m alone, but I think that’s just because that’s when I have time to fix things and don’t. I could clean my room, shower, brush my teeth, fold my clothes, or even wash my face. I don’t, though, and that just makes me madder because then I can’t blame anyone but myself for my misery. Sometimes, I don’t even remember what it was like to feel good. I just can’t even imagine it anymore. I’m so jealous of shower everyday people.

The fingertips of despair tempt me
As if I could run away
Run away, run away, far away
I can't take it anymore

I’m sick of it. I’m sick of feeling like this. I’m sick of not doing anything about it. Running away isn’t an option for me, but I also don’t know how to deal with the situation in front of me. I can’t live in my mom’s basement I don’t want to live in the giant mess. I want to move out and I want to move forward. I had a teacher who use to tell us “This too shall pass, even if you don’t”. It doesn’t apply to every situation, but I still like it.

Mayday, mayday, mayday
Fade out, fade out, fade out
Why are you doing this to me, why
I want to live

What did I do? Am I actually cursed, or am I just ruining my own life with my laziness and negativity? I don’t even like who I am anymore. I wake up in the morning trying to figure out what I can wear to look good enough. Can they notice that I haven’t washed my hair. Then I get to work, and worry if I’m doing a good job. Did I succeed in making myself look presentable. I mean, I was never my biggest fan, but still. I remember a time when I didn’t hate myself. Wouldn’t that be nice?

What am I hurt for?
Of countless people, why me?
Who should I blame?
I Still hear it, keep your head down
Oh-oh
Breathless here everyday
Oh-oh
I can't escape it
Oh-oh, Out of breath here every day
Oh-oh Can't escape

I hate feeling trapped. I finally got my driver’s license, only to find out that I can’t drive away from all my problems. It’s nice to have songs like this that can give the words to say what I can’t. I’ll see you guys next week, and don’t forget to follow me on Instagram for a sneak peek at next week’s song.

Sincerely,
LIBD

Better by OneRepublic

Posted on February 5, 2024February 5, 2024 by LIBD

This song almost feels like it’s mocking me right now. It used to make me feel so much better.

I don't set alarms
Lately I don't set alarms
But that's because of the ringing that's happening inside my head
Inside my head

Bro, I wish. I don’t set alarms on my days off anymore. If my brain suddenly wants to sleep till noon, who am I to say no? I can never sleep in too long though, because I have to let my dog out. I dread my alarms in the morning when I work; I don’t want to go to work anymore. Everything in my life is going wrong, and I’m supposed to just go to work like everything’s fine. Dying inside and cheerfully answering the phone and greeting everyone who comes in.

Yeah yeah
It keeps me safe from harm
At least I tell myself I'm safe from harm
But really, it's probably filling my dreams with dread
So I get out of bed

That’s one thing that hasn’t changed since I got out of the psych ward all those years ago. I get out of bed. When I’m not working, it’s usually only to move to the couch, but it’s still something, and that’s better than nothing I guess. I don’t want to go to work, but I’m not sure I’m any better off staying home, stuck with my thoughts and frustrations.

Yeah yeah
Yes, I'm neurotic. I'm obsessed, and I know it
I can't take vacations in my brain, or believe me I'd be on one
Hawaii under warm sun
Yeah yeah

It’s like my brain will never shut off, and even in those brief moments when things are going good, my brain still manages to freak out about something. Wouldn’t it be so nice to just not think? There are those mindfulness exercises where you imagine yourself on a beach and relax. The problem with that is I’m not stupid. I know I’m not on a beach. I’m happy for anyone who has found exercises like that helpful. I wish my brain would cooperate enough for that. Maybe I’m too pessimistic; maybe it’s because I have ADHD, but my brain just doesn’t work like that.

Chorus: I think I lost my mind
Don't worry about me
Happens all the time
In the morning, I'll be better
In the morning, I'll be better
Sing it again
I think I lost my mind
But don't worry about me
Happens all the time
In the morning, I'll be better
Things are only getting better
Sing it again
Sing it again

I used to believe that, but those words remind me of a scene in this show called Our Flag Means Death. Ed, Stede, and the pirate queen just finished fighting all these British soldiers. The pirate queen compliments Ed on this spectacular flip thing he did when he killed one of the soldiers during the battle. Then Stede chips in (Ed and Stede are a thing, but it’s complicated, and you’d have to watch it), talking about his (very minimal) contribution to the fight, asking if they saw it. Ed turns to Stede and says, “I saw it. You were great babe,” but he says it in the voice I use when my friend shows me something I don’t care about, so I say, “That’s cool,” just to be polite. That’s how these words sound to me. It’s like, “Oh, yeah, it’ll be okay,” half-heartedly thrown out there as a nice thought that they hope I will believe. That’s just where I’m at right now though.

I'll tell myself I'll change
That's right, I tell myself I'll change
But then I begin to realize that the problems inside my veins
But it's inside my veins (vein)
Yeah yeah

If I had a dollar for every time I said I would be better, I’m gonna buckle down, or I’m not gonna let myself go on like this…. It’s so easy to say, but it’s starting to feel like maybe I’m doomed to be a lazy, depressed loner who will never get her shit together. That show I was talking about got canceled. There was supposed to be a 3rd season. It didn’t get canceled until after I became a fan, just like everything else I ever liked. It’s certainly starting to feel personal.

I swear I'm not insane
Yes, most likely not insane
Everybody goes through moments of losing their clarity
At least I'm never boring
But I've been losing sleep so call the doctor said take one of these
And call me in the morning
[Chorus]

I’m not crazy. I asked my psychiatrist. She said I wasn’t, but I think she was just being nice. I understand we all go through difficult times, but this feels different. She said I’m spiraling, so at least now I know why everything is awful. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do about it. The show getting canceled reminded me, just like when they made Ravn leave, that everything in life is out of my control. I’m at the mercy of whatever cruel thing life would like to subject me to next. Yay me. (please note the sarcasm)

So here's the question asked
Of all the things you love, the people and places from the future to your ancient past
Of every one of those which one will cause you to let it go, let it go
Need to crash

Those words hurt my head. I don’t know what to make of them, and my brain is too tired to think. If any of you would like to do me a solid and leave your interpretation in the comments, that would be amazing.

Think you lost your mind
Well, don't worry about it
Happens all the time
In the morning, you'll be better
Things are only getting better
Sing it again
[Chorus]

Sincerely,
LIBD

Can You Feel the Sun (Missio)

Posted on January 22, 2024December 2, 2025 by LIBD

Hey y’all. It’s been a hot minute, huh. This series is special because it will be all Music Monday posts. Follow @libd_blog on instagram to get a preview of the next song in the series. Alright let’s go.

Below the willow tree
Is where I hide the darkest parts of me
They're hiding underneath
The broken lies that I just still believe

Spoiler alert: I’m not doing so hot. If the 4 or more months of silence since my last post didn’t give it away. I’m starting to feel like my job is just too fancy for me. I’m not even going to get started on the state of my basement. Kota is doing pretty good, so at least someone is, but that someone is not me.

Below the willow tree
Is where I sit and hate on my enemies
I drown 'em in my dreams
I think it's me who needs some humility

I would like to clarify that I do not dream of my enemies. I hardly ever remember dreams in general, and when I do, I try not to think too hard about them. It’s almost always something odd that doesn’t make much sense. Now, hating on my enemies or just having enemies, I’m not going to deny. Being angry at someone else means I’m not angry at myself. At this point, any feeling besides depression is most welcome.

I'm alone here [x4]

I know this is the part where I say something inspiring like, “There are people who care,” “You matter so much,” and “Everything gets better eventually.” I’m not going to say any of that today. Feels kind of like a conspiracy.

Can you feel the sun?
I do, but I can't see it
Can you feel the breeze?
I don't, but I believe it

It’s not that I don’t think it will get better. I have moments where everything is fine. I have moments that remind me of better times in my life. The problem is that there’s a part of my brain that says if it was going to get better, it would have by now. I know there’s hope, but I can’t see it or feel it.

I don't feel safe when I'm not alone
And I know, and I know what you're thinkin'
I like it on my own
But I'll let you in if you say it's okay

So, I’m going to level with you guys in this series. I started rereading A Series of Unfortunate Events, which probably explains how I came up with the title for this series. and I will paraphrase Lemony Snicket for a minute and tell you this… If you are looking for something happy, you should probably stop reading now. I will, however, let you know that at the end of each book, they briefly overcome the madness they experience in their lives. The next book will be a whole other shit show, but just for a brief moment on the very last page, it seems as if, for a moment, it might be okay. Maybe one day it will, but I don’t remember how Book 13 ended, so I guess I’ll find out.

Below the willow tree
I get hung up on my insecurities

The other day, I got scolded for wearing a mask. They didn’t tell me I couldn’t wear it but implied that I didn’t need one if I was not sick. I said it was for my allergies, but in reality, I just couldn’t stand the way my face looked that day. This spiraled into a hate fest on myself for not washing my face or showering semi-regularly. This, in turn, brought me to the conclusion that I am simply an imposter sitting at a desk doing my best to pretend that I belong.

Rose-colored dopamine
My soul feels like it could be make-believe
Below the willow tree
I search to find some sense of identity
This weeping willow tree
Sits in silence, sheds no tear for me

I’ve always said when you work, you aren’t getting paid to have feelings, and you aren’t getting paid to be happy. My job isn’t really even that hard. People always tell me they wish I had my job because it’s so easy. I’ve also had people tell me they don’t know how I survive the 9.5 hours of my shift. Depending on the day, I can see both points of view. Why it matters to me, I have no idea. Why anything matters these days, I couldn’t tell you.

Can you feel the sun?
I do, but I can't see it
Can you feel the breeze?
I don't, but I believe it
I don't feel safe when I'm not alone
And I know, and I know what you're thinkin'
I like it on my own
But I'll let you in if you say it's okay [x2]
I'm alone for sure
I'm lost to the world

I can’t promise this series will be good. It may be absolutely atrocious, like the rest of my life is. In fact, it may just be a 3-part pity party, but even then, I’m inviting all of you. If you chose to read the rest of this, you can’t say I didn’t warn you. I’m starting to make this sound like a Series of Unfortunate Events, but I suppose it is. And I mean that in a totally legal way with no copyright intended or whatever the rules are. He just has such a fantastic way of writing. I know they are sort of kids’ books, but I recommend them to everyone of all ages. (Free publicity. Now you can’t be mad)

Sincerely,
LIBD

Wait for it

Posted on June 23, 2023October 12, 2025 by LIBD

Hey y’all, it’s been a hot minute, huh? Well, not really. Even though I haven’t written in 2 and a half months, I still have posts scheduled every 2 weeks. I watched Hamilton the other day. I originally watched it just so I could say I watched it. However, part way through, I realized that it was kind of amazing, so I watched it again, and it was!

So then I watched it again… and again…. and I’ll watch it again on my next day off. I would have aced the subject if all History was taught through amazing musicals like that. There were a few parts that stuck with me.

Every second King George was on stage was fabulous. I think what made him such a stand-out character is that the storyline is so serious and sometimes sad. When you have a plot like that, the character in charge of comic relief always stands out more. One line I really fell in love with was something Washington’s character said.

Hamilton was ready to die from the minute he finished college. It wasn’t in a “life is meaningless” way. Given his back story, he just wasn’t expecting to live a long life, so he wanted to make the most of every second to make his time worthwhile. One day Washington tells him,

“Dying is easy young man. Living is harder.”
George Washington (Hamilton)

It’s so true. Living is hard! It takes even more courage than dying does. Whenever someone died, it made me so sad. Especially if it was someone who wasn’t supposed to be dead, like Chester Bennington or Moonbin. I think Hamilton didn’t see the value of life. There’s this one song where the cast sings about him…

How do you write like tomorrow won't arrive?
How do you write like you need it to survive?
How do you write every second you're alive?
Every second you're alive, Every second you're alive

I think the fundamental difference between Hamilton and Burr is that Hamilton wasn’t going to wait for it. He would make the most of every second and contribute as much as he could to this world. Burr didn’t live for the moment. I think he thought things out, and his actions and words were more calculated than Hamilton’s.

Perhaps Burr felt a hint of jealousy. He thought Hamilton was careless and immature, but somehow everything seemed to work out for him. Burr thought that contemplating and planning was how you got to the top, but it wasn’t working for him like he thought it would. I wasn’t alive then. I didn’t know either of them, but if I were Burr, I would want to punch Hamilton in the face for what Professor McGonagall called “sheer dumb luck.”

As much as I would love to say I could relate to Hamilton, I think it’s Burr that I relate to the most. I’ve always spent my life planning, trying to do the right thing, say the right thing, and play my cards right.

It’s hard to see the Hamiltons of this world just living it up. Getting all the recognition, all the love, and all that stuff that I’ve spent my whole life trying to get. I think he overreacted A LOT, but I can see his point of view. It seems like the people who deserve the least get the most, and those who deserve the most get the least.

Not that Hamilton didn’t deserve it, but it seems like he got a free ride. Until his son died, everything always just seemed to go his way. Burr was working like mad, and he just couldn’t seem to reach Hamilton’s level, and that’s when this next song comes up…

Hamilton doesn't hesitate
He exhibits no restraint
He takes, and he takes, and he takes
And he keeps winning anyway
He changes the game
He plays, and he raises the stakes
And if there's a reason
He seems to thrive when so few survive, then ***damnit
I'm willing to wait for it (Wait for it)
I'm willing to wait for it

Life doesn't discriminate
Between the sinners and the saints
It takes and it takes, and it takes
And we keep living anyway
We rise (and we fall)
We fall (and we break)
And we make our mistakes
And if there's a reason I'm still alive
When so many have died
Then I'm willin' to-
Wait for it (Wait for it, wait for it)

Some of the best people leave us too soon. Far too soon. It’s hard because losing someone who made the world such a bright place feels like you just get left in the dark. Life doesn’t discriminate between the sinners and the saints. It takes and it takes, and it takes. And there’s nothing we can do about it. But if we are still here, it’s for a reason.

Not everyone will always have luck on their side like Hamilton seemed to, and if we don’t, then we have to wait for it. Our time will come if we keep striving. It’s not always going to go our way, and there will always be people out there who have beautiful lives, whether we think they deserve them or not. That’s none of my business anyway.

I don’t know how historically accurate the musical is. I really don’t care, but I feel bad for Burr. He spent so much time trying to keep up with Hamilton instead of making his own path. Eventually, his anger and hatred became too much for him to deal with. We’ll never really know what happened back then, but I do know that I’m not Hamilton. And if there’s a reason I’m still alive when so many have died, I’m willing to wait for it.

Thanks for reading, everyone! I hope you my Hamilton Life Lesson, and I hope you are having a good week. My boss told me today she’s very impressed with how well I’m doing after just 2 weeks. It made me glad to hear because I had been worried that I wasn’t picking things up fast enough. It’s different from what I had been doing, but I’m slowly catching on. Anyway, hang in there, and have a great week!!!

Sincerely,
LIBD

K-Quotes: Better Than Nothing

Posted on June 5, 2023June 6, 2024 by LIBD

Before I start this I just want to say if you are really depressed this could potentially be triggering. Today’s quote is kind of extreme that’s why I go on to explain it so if you choose to read, please read to the very end.

So today was another not-good day. To give you an idea about how bad it was… I gathered the bravery to go to the customer service desk to ask about renting a table again, and I’m pretty sure the lady thought I had a stutter. I went over and over in my head what to say, and I just froze. It was horrible. Unfortunately, after this week, they no longer offer tables inside except for events. I should have asked for more info about outdoor booths, but I panicked, said thank you, and left. And that was just the beginning.

I’ve been having some rough days recently, but there’s a quote from a tv show I’ve been holding on to. The first time I heard this quote, I was appalled. I thought the main girl was horrible, heartless, and cruel, but I understood what she was saying as the story continued. Now I’ll even say it to myself on days like this. She says, in numerous ways throughout the series…

“If you’re not going to do anything, you should just die.”
Mudeok

Please keep reading!!!! She says it sometimes to herself, sometimes to him. By the end, even he says it. When I tell people that this is one of my favorite quotes, they always have this look on their faces. The same one I did the first time I heard it. As I said though, the meaning starts to become clear as it goes on. Like when she says…

“No matter how pathetic you feel, you must do what you can at the moment. If I am not willing to do anything, I might as well just die.”
Mudeok

Many times throughout the show, people underestimated the main dude. They would discourage him from improving his skills, telling him he shouldn’t bother trying because he won’t be able to catch up with everyone else. Or when there was trouble, they’d tell him to stay behind and let other people handle it. At times he listened to them. In the beginning, he was a lot like me. He liked the idea of being great, but he didn’t really wanna get his hands dirty. He’d do enough to say he tried and call it a day. However, he would never have been the hero if he had listened to everyone else and done nothing.

It wasn’t an easy path for him though. He took that saying to heart and worked hard. He put in the effort and the hours; even then, it was a struggle for him at first. I always want to give up when I stop making progress. It’s obviously not working, so why waste my time. But often times what we see as failure is not actually a failure. Mudeok (the main girl) bet the Prince that Jang Uk could win 1 out of 8 battles (I think). He lost the first 7, but each time he lost, he learned, and eventually, he did win. When I feel like I’ve lost 5 battles in a row, I just want to quit. I want to do nothing, but according to Mudeok, I should just die if I’m going to do nothing.

So, let’s take a minute to address the other half of the phrase. It is a little harsh, and you can’t say that nowadays because you don’t know what people are dealing with or going through, and it could easily be taken the wrong way. Is it really better to die than do nothing? Yes and No. Depression is real. Mental illness is real, and it’s a disease. Your brain is not working correctly, and it can cause all sorts of problems. When you are depressed or struggling, just existing some days can be difficult, but even existing is something. I think she words it that strongly because if you give up on life totally, it’s practically the same thing.

When you exist every day, that is something, and as long as we are doing something, there is hope that things will get better. Even now, I feel like I keep failing and messing up. But that’s something too, and even those tiny things can give us hope that things will get better. Another quote says, “All the pain that does not kill you will only make you stronger.” One of the songs from the show is called Scars leave a beautiful trace. I posted these lyrics a while back on Facebook, but I’ll add them here and put a video with the translated lyrics at the bottom.”

"Every time I take one more step
I know the path ahead of me
Take a deep breath
Look into the distance,
Stand up again and endure

I will stand here strong,
Now I, I'm never falling down
I'm not afraid
Look ahead
Scars become beautiful traces"

So now, whenever I’m tempted to give up on life, I think of that quote and this song because it reminds me that…. Well, if I’m going to do nothing and give up on life, I might as well be dead. So even when things aren’t great, and I’m not being productive, and I have days where I don’t do much, I try to enjoy the little things because just existing is very admirable and brave. And as long as you are still living, there’s hope that things will get better. Today I’m tempted to say I did nothing, but I did quite a few things. They were a total train wreck, but now I know I can’t possibly ever be worse than the stuttering mess I was today. I’m still here, which means I will get another chance to have a better day tomorrow. Maybe it’ll suck too, but there’s only one way to find out, which brings me to a final quote.

Jang Uk and his 2 friends are being subjected to a horrible meal by the one dude’s uncle, who has a passion for cooking but absolutely no talent. At the end, he brings rice cakes for dessert and says, “normal rice cakes are too boring,” so he decided to fill 2 with honey and 1 with fish sauce so they can each test their luck. The first 2 who pick get ones filled with honey, so obviously, Jang Uk doesn’t want to eat it because it’s gross. And the uncle asks him how he knows. His friend explained that since his uncle had said one was filled with fish sauce, that was the only one left. The uncle then repeats the question, and Uk eats it. He never tells the others if it was indeed filled with fish sauce or if it was honey and the uncle was lying. All the uncle says is this…

“Life is unpredictable, but you choose your own destiny. No matter how sweet or bitter it may be, you must taste it yourself and swallow it.”
Uncle Park

Wherever life takes me, I want to see it to the end. I have a lot of dreams and maybe they’ll happen, or maybe they won’t. Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day; perhaps it won’t, but there’s only one way to find out. And wouldn’t it be sad to miss out on a perfectly wonderful desert just because we thought it would be horrible? Metaphors have limits, but I hope this makes sense. I also hope even if it gets bad, you’ll stick around and find the strength to keep existing because you never know when a good day may come.

Life isn’t easy, but remember, you aren’t the only one struggling. There’s nothing wrong with you. We all struggle, and even though our situations aren’t the same, we can all try to be kind to ourselves and persevere through even the most painful things. Because even existing is better than nothing.

Sincerely,
LIBD

petaled flower drawing on white egg shell

#MusicMonday (Shattered life by Seventh Day Slumber)

Posted on April 24, 2023March 14, 2023 by LIBD

I’m just gonna jump right into it today.

This wanting more from me is tearing me, it's breaking me
But what you want's not mine to give

I wanted more this year. I wanted to be better. Get my credit card paid off focus on my jewelry business. Take better care of myself… but the hits just keep on coming. The stress and anxiety are just eating me alive, and I can’t see an end to it. It’s too much. I’m just one person.

I'm your dollar sign, your brand new house
Your product line
When you're done with me I'm spent

I can’t afford this anymore. Any of this. I need to change the situation, but that’s not what I do. I like to keep peace, and not cause any ripples. Keep my head down and follow a routine. I can’t afford to keep doing it. I need a change, but I don’t want to change.

When the smoke is gone I have to face what I've become...

I’m a lot like my dog in the sense I may bark a lot but if you even come near me, I’ll immediately run away. I talk about standing up for myself, but I don’t like to make waves. Even if it’s at my own expense in my mind it’s better to suffer if it keeps the sense of peace and normal. But a person can only withstand so much before they break. All the progress I’ve made over the years and I’m still the shy, timid, and scared little girl who’s too scared to ask for help or stand up for herself.

Will you rescue me?
Could you get me out alive?
I'm trying to hold on but I've lost the will to fight
Will You rescue me?
Take me far away from this shattered life

I’m trying to hang in there. Trying to be strong and keep on fighting. It’s so hard now though because I want to do what’s easy not what’s best for me. It’s so hard right now and I’m so tired. I wish somebody could rescue me and take me far away, but that’s not going to happen.

How can I go on pretending that there's nothing wrong?
Life has brought me to my knees

This mask I hide behind is killing me
There's nothing left
Is there anyone who feels like me?
When the smoke is gone I have to face what I've become...

I can’t take it anymore I’m tired of pretending. If I can’t afford this right now, how will I ever afford a car or a place to live? I can’t go on pretending like $60 a week is no big deal it is! I work part time and I hate myself for trying to convince myself otherwise just because I’m too afraid to tell them I can’t afford it. What is wrong with me?! It’s not hard, and I need to fight for myself because no one else is going to.

Will you rescue me?
Could you get me out alive?
I'm trying to hold on but I've lost the will to fight
Will You rescue me?
Take me far away from this shattered life [x2]

Take me far away from this shattered life

I want to be rescued, but the only one who can rescue me from this shattered life is myself. I can’t run away when things get scary. I need to be a better person and if I keep running away and letting myself suffer because it’s easier than doing something about it than of course my life is going to suck. I want things to be better, but I’m the only one who can make that happen. Wish me luck.

Sincerely,
LIBD

Cursed

Posted on March 28, 2023February 17, 2023 by LIBD

I always joked with my K-pop friends that I was cursed. Every time I like a group, something terrible happens. When everything happened with Ravn, I was like, “Omg, this is all my fault; I should have just left them alone. I made this happen by liking them.” My friends were able to talk some sense into me. And then one of them mentioned that during their concert, Xion(Dongju) said he felt like it was his fault, and he was bad luck, and they sent me the video where he said it, and I’m like, “Juju, no!! I promise not to take responsibility if you promise not to as well.” My close friend made an excellent argument by saying that God won’t punish someone else to punish me. It’s true. He would make it personal, like my computer breaking, getting fired, or something that would send a message.

I still feel like it has a little bit to do with me. When I was younger, like 17, something happened, and I remember I sat on the floor with tears running down my face and said, “It’s okay. I’m miserable again, this is how it’s always been, and this is how it should be.” Looking back, I know there’s a lot wrong with it, but something happened today, and I had that same thought. I’ve always said I hate change, but I don’t think that’s totally true.

During my meltdown, I re-listened to a few episodes of Eric Nam’s mindset and realized that bad things aren’t always bad. Sometimes they are opportunities for growth. I hate that though, and I don’t think people understand why. It’s not that I want to rely on my family forever. I do want to move out and be independent. The reason I don’t like these “opportunities” is because I’m afraid. I’m so scared I will fail, and I’m tired of failing. I’ve already stepped so far out of my comfort zone this year, I’m afraid if I keep going, I won’t be able to find my way back.

People think I blame other people for my problems. I don’t. Why do you think I’m so anxious, stressed, and overwhelmed half the time? Because the situation I’m in now is all my fault. I failed, dug myself into this mess, and everything is my fault. I’m a stupid moron who can’t dig herself out of her own mess…… Thank you for reminding me. People think I don’t want to help myself. Seriously? Do you think I enjoy being an incompetent fool? I also want to go bungee jumping, but I won’t because it’s terrifying, and I don’t want to die. People will accept that answer in that situation. Well, life is scary too! If it isn’t for you, congrats!! Good for you! I’m horrified about the future. The only thing that scares me more than everything that could go wrong is everything that could go right.

People act like it should be so easy. Life is so simple if you just put yourself out there. Well, it’s not. I’m not you. I’m sorry I’m not as amazing as you. I’m sorry I’m not as brave and independent as you. I’m sorry I didn’t make better choices like you did. I’m sorry I suck so bad at life. Whenever I write to you guys, I always try to make sure you know it’s okay to struggle. If I talk about being productive and feeling good and you aren’t. That’s fine. Life is freaking hard. Sometimes it’s downright shitty, and easy things feel impossible. That’s okay though. I will never look down on someone for doing the best with what they have. Even if I think personally, they could be doing better, I won’t push them too hard. Sometimes just surviving is the biggest win. I thought being happy was good enough, but now I’m not so sure.

Some of you are thinking, “Why on earth didn’t you just tell this person off?” Because sometimes people’s hearts are in the right place even if their words aren’t. I try not to get mad when people have good intentions. That being said, I’m ignoring everything. I don’t remember and am not going to reread it. So, if you guys have been in that situation, comfort yourself with encouraging words. Your own words. What would you tell yourself if you were someone else in this situation? Something like this.

“Wow, Erin, that really sucks. I know you are stressing about it but remember to take it 24 hours at a time. I’m so proud of you these past weeks. You’ve been living more and caring for yourself, and you are doing so well. I know you are stressed about bills, but keep working at it, and I know you can get it paid off. If only those bills could have come during the busy season at work, but such is life. You messed up. People mess up sometimes. Don’t waste your time being ashamed; instead, use that time to do something about it. Tackle that first. The rest of your problems can wait. You are doing well, so just stick with it, get the bills paid off, and then worry about the next step. Look how much you’ve achieved in the past few years. Just imagine what you could do with a few more.”

This past year has been stressful, but I can overcome it. Yeah, I got myself into this mess. But Newt Scamander said, “Even if we make mistakes, the terrible things, we can try to make things right. And that’s what matters: trying” I’m trying, and I know I can do it, so I’m going to handle things one at a time. I’m not proud that my life sucks. I’m proud that despite my life sucking and everything that’s going wrong, I’ve found a way to still be happy. I don’t deserve to be miserable. It was a comfortable feeling because I was used to it, but I should feel happy too. And I won’t let anyone take that away from me.

Sincerely,
LIBD

Time

Posted on January 5, 2023January 5, 2023 by LIBD

A better name for this series would be time, but oh well. Anyway, I bought an emotional first aid kit at a little boutique in southern Ohio. Almost any problem you can think of it can give you some food for thought and words of wisdom. As I was sifting through it for the first time, I saw a bunch of cards that I moved to the front to read when I had time. At the Top of One card, I saw it said, ‘Time is running out.’ It’s like an hourglass in the back of my mind reminding me I’m getting older and older, and my life is so uneventful and lame and boring. I was so happy to have answers, but the answers were not what I had expected.

I watched a Christmas movie the other day. This lady who falls and hits her head gets a ct scan and discovers she has a disease that causes tumors to form in her brain and has an estimated 3 weeks to live. This lady had been living her life like me. She had hobbies, goals, and dreams, but she also had a job and was perfectly content to let the possibilities be just that. When she hears she has only 3 months to live, she packs her bags, goes on a fancy expensive trip with all the money she’s accumulated so far in life, and starts speaking her mind. I know movies exaggerate real life, but that was like a 2-week trip, but it was a trip of a lifetime. Then she finds out that she’s not dying, and their ct machine has an error that makes tumor-like dots appear on all scans. Then she falls in love with the guy she has a crush on and lives happily ever after.

You’re probably thinking, “What on earth does that have to do with anything.” Actually, if you are a frequent reader, you aren’t thinking that at all you are thinking, “Stop talking and get on with it,” so calm down I am. My point is I’m always waiting to live my life. I’ve written about this before, but if I want to live a meaningful life, I have to find meaning where I am. The world cup just ended, and Argentina won!!!!!!!! I was so happy, and y’all know how much I love quotes. Messi seems like a smart dude, and it turns out he is because I found one quote I really loved. “Every time I start a year, I start with the objective of trying to achieve everything without comparing it to how I’ve done in other seasons.” With a new year just beginning, it’s no wonder I loved it so much. I’m going to try that this year. I don’t play soccer or do sports, but I will try and make the most of this year.

So often, I have this idea of how I think a “good” year would be. If it’s not matching that vision, I give up and automatically declare it another wasted year. This brings me to another quote, “I go out and do the best I can in each game, and I don’t think about the fouls other players will commit or whether I might be injured. It only does you harm to worry about those things.” I told you he was a smart dude. However, worry is my middle name, so it’s gonna take some practice. That’s how I need to approach life. There’s no time to think of those things in a soccer match when you’ve got the ball. The only thought on your mind is how to get it past the other team into the goal. Life isn’t always as fast paced and intense, so there’s lots of time to worry about anything and everything. Also, he wouldn’t have the answer even if he thought about it. He can’t see the future, so it makes sense he wouldn’t think about it.

Sometimes I think my worries turn into a prophecy. For example, I think if I sing in front of other people, I will mess up and embarrass myself, so I don’t do it henceforth I won’t embarrass myself. I never stop to think that it’s not a guaranteed outcome; it’s just a worst-case possibility. I don’t know about you, but I often plan my life using my worries as a factual guide, which they aren’t. It reminds me of a quote from my favorite book, “Imagine how we would be if we were less afraid (The Boy, The Mole, The Fox, and The Horse).” It can be scary because you don’t know whether or not your fears will be realized until it’s too late. Such is life, though; if we want to truly live, we can’t let fear control our lives.

You all know I’ve been overcoming my fear of jumping. At my last riding lesson of the year, we had a chance to jump, and it was just like Messi said; I didn’t think about the fact I might fall off. I thought to myself there’s the jump; we know what to do, so let’s do it. I could’ve fallen off. I didn’t jump for the longest time just because of that possibility. It’s actually a lot of fun, and while we aren’t spot on every time, she doesn’t refuse anymore and doesn’t come back to a walk. Even if she doesn’t jump, she’ll pick up her feet enough to trot over it.

One last quote of his before I finish “The best decisions aren’t made with your mind, but with your instincts” I know my mind is trying to be helpful, but it really isn’t. I remember getting tickets for the meet and greet with Oneus. My brain had 100 reasons why I really didn’t need to do it. I have social anxiety; I might embarrass myself; what if they hate me? So many scenarios that didn’t end well for me. But then I had a split second where I thought, “but it’s oneus, so how bad could it be.” So I clicked buy and completed the purchase before I remembered why I shouldn’t, and it was actually….. It could have been a LOT worse. The advantage of horseback riding and soccer is that you must rely on your instincts. They can’t stop in the middle of the field and pause the game until they figure out how they’re gonna score. In horseback riding, I talk out loud to myself when I’m riding up to the jump, so I don’t think. I’ll say, “We got this. We are lining up with the jump, keeping leg on, eyes up, not looking down, and leg leg leg two point”. Then it’s over, and we survived. I know how to jump, and I’m perfectly capable, but sometimes my mind overpowers my instincts.

I want to live life. Really truly live this year, so I have to start trusting myself. Even if things go wrong, I need to accept that that’s a part of life. It’s going to be scary, and I can’t be sure that the outcome will be positive, but maybe if I trust myself and stop letting my fears control me, I can make the most of each day of my life, and the time won’t fly by. Or at least if it does, I’ll have more happy memories along the way. I always joke that I’ve been riding long enough to know how to not fall off. I’m sure I will again at some point, but I don’t think about it (unless I’m jumping). I’m trusting Sunny and myself and doing better than ever. I think life is the same way. This may be my first life, but I’ve lived enough to know how to at least pretend I know what I’m doing, so if I trust myself, who knows? Maybe I’ll surprise myself.

Thank you so much for reading. I hope to see you again for the last part of the series!

Sincerely,
LIBD