It Gets Better by Dotan

Hey guys. I hope this month has been treating you well. I don’t think I’ve ever written this many Music Mondays in a long while, so there probably won’t be many more once this series ends. I know, I know, I’ll shut up. This is another comfort song of mine. I try not to listen to it unless I’m having a horrible day because it’s a bit of a downer, but driving home from my friend’s house last night, it felt right. I had a great time, but then I had to go back to my life, and the feeling hit me once again.

There's paper peeling off the walls
I see the paint from yesteryear
We try to cover up the past
But tiny secrets still appear

I remember this time last year, I was doing great. I was ready to face the world. My mental health was probably the best it had been in a long while. I don’t know what happened to that girl. I really miss her. I’m a mess, my room is a mess, my head is a mess, and my future is uncertain. I feel like I’m falling apart, and there’s nothing I can do except watch it happen.

So please don't say it gets better
It gets better, it gets better on with time
I'm not better
We're not better, even after all this time

I keep waiting for it to get better like it always does. But it isn’t getting better. If anything, I feel like I’m getting worse. Things are more complicated. I feel like mentally, I’ve taken 20 steps back. I miss feeling good. I miss feeling hope. You know how I love to talk about my favorite soccer team. Their story for this season is pretty similar to mine. They started off strong. Things were really looking up. We lost Harry Kane, but we don’t need him anymore because we’ve got James Madison. I could have sworn this would be our season. But between injuries, suspensions, and a few bad calls, it went downhill really fast. We don’t even have Sonny because he’s playing in the Asia Cup, and we are playing Man City next. I’m not getting my hopes up, even with our new recruits.

The kitchen floor's a checkered board
We've tried to end this game for years
The tiles are cracked, the color's changed
The battleground is all but cleared

I realized that having depression is a lot like having the kind of muscular dystrophy I have. It could be worse, so I shouldn’t complain. But it’s almost cruel in a way. In terms of MD, I’m close enough to fine that sometimes I almost feel normal. Then something happens, or something hurts, and I’m slapped in the face with my limitations. Depression is similar. I don’t always feel depressed. Last night, I cooked some meals and watched Our Flag Means Death with my friend. It was so much fun; we laughed so hard, and I had a great time. It reminded me of when I was happy and doing good. At that moment, I thought I was, but now I’m back home, and I kind of want to cry. How on earth can I be so great and suddenly so awful. If I was depressed 24/7, it probably wouldn’t feel as bad.

So please don't say it gets better
It gets better, it gets better on with time
I'm not better
We're not better, even after all this time
Caught in the cobwebs
Memories linger in these rooms
Under the floorboards
Sweeping the stories we outgrew

I know part of it’s my fault. Messy space=messy head=messy life. I can’t bring myself to clean. I told myself this year that in between work days when I have time off, I would pick one thing and do it. So why haven’t I? All of this combined is reminding me of before, when I was really bad. I always write about how it’ll get better because it always does. This time feels different, though. It should be better by now. I should be better by now. But I’m not. If anything, I’m worse.

It's not a place to call home
Just a place we've been for years
The garden weeds have overgrown
We've overstayed our welcome here

This describes my living situation. I still live with my mom and her husband. I kind of feel like I have. It’s mine, but not really. I wanna have my own space that’s all mine. I’m worried I’ll let it fall into disarray like I have here. Will I ever be able to move forward? Get out of this place. Somewhere where I can just be. I want a home. My home. I don’t want to worry about people being mad because I don’t come upstairs to talk or worry about forgetting to say hi or ignoring someone because, honestly, I don’t want them there. I just don’t know if it will ever happen. Why should I move out? Just so I can go make a mess somewhere else? Just so I can be a mess somewhere else?

So please don't say it gets better
It gets better, it gets better on with time
I'm not better
We're not better, even after all this time
It gets better, it gets better
It gets better, it gets better on with time
I'm not better
We're not better, even after all this time

Even after all this time….
If you haven’t listened to this song, you totally should. It’s a great crying song, and just a great song to sit and feel. Life sucks sometimes, and some things won’t ever get better. Not after all the time in the world, but there are a lot of things that could potentially change. As to whether or not they actually will….. Time will tell, I suppose. Don’t forget to check my Instagram for the final song in the series. Hint: If you liked this one you are gonna love the next one

Sincerely,
LIBD