So, when I was talking to my psychiatrist, we started talking about anger. It all started when I talked about something I was mad about, and I told her about this personality test I took. My friends were able to fill it out too, and when talking about anger, they ranked me much higher than I ranked myself. One person put me all the way at the “most described” end of the scale. I don’t get angry, though. I may get mad and angsty, but I don’t yell at people. Then, I learned that anger doesn’t always look like that.
She talked about something like low frustration tolerance. The name is pretty much the definition, but you can look it up. She said most people who experience it have a more explosive type of anger, while mine is just a severe irritation. Then I remembered all the times I’d vented in all caps, yelling in my car at people who couldn’t drive. How one thing can happen, and I decide my entire day is ruined. Venting out loud to nobody is another good one. The way I can hold a grudge FOREVER if I so desire. That’s right mom, I haven’t forgotten that time 7 years ago when you said we could go to Outback, and then made other dinner plans with my brother and his girlfriend. My brother’s girlfriend broke her leg, so we didn’t end up eating dinner anyway. Maybe she wouldn’t have hurt her leg if you kept your promise and rescheduled with them.
I know, I know. She could have broken her leg anywhere that day, but it was in our yard, so….. My mom doesn’t read this, so please don’t tell her about it. She loses her mind when I bring it up. Like I said, though, I’m not an angry person. Sure, there was that time I couldn’t open that 20oz of cherry coke, so I used cuticle scissors to stab a hole in the top of the lid big enough to put a straw into. Anyone would be angry if they spent 10 minutes trying to open a bottle of soda. Maybe I overreacted a little, but I think it was more determination than anger. Determination is a valuable trait. When I can’t find something, I just say it’s lost and decide to buy a new one. I don’t buy a new one right away, so what if I cried about cheap earbuds. I loved them, and that’s sadness, not anger.
After thinking it over and talking about different things, I accepted that maybe I have a low frustration tolerance. However, I still wouldn’t consider myself angry. Then I got quietly furious at the shoe store because they had the box in the wrong spot and did not have that shoe in my size. After that, I was like, “Okay, I can see why it may appear to others as if I have anger issues.” Today though, was the icing on top of the cake, or the lid on top of the cup. I was at a drive-through, and I have a system. I give them my payment and they give me the drink. Then, I unwrap the straw and put it in the drink. Then i accept my receipt and my food. Same routine every time. I love it! Today, however, there was a glitch in that routine. I went to put my straw in the cup, and it just bent a bit. I tried again, and it bent again.
I could have tried the other end of the straw. I could’ve waited until I got my food and then pulled to the side to give it another go. I could’ve even stuck my pinky in the hole, as I sometimes do as a last resort to bend the little triangles where the straw goes. That’s not what I did. After only 2 tries, I shove my thumb where the straw should have gone, and broke the lid. Then I got even more furious when some of it splashed out because they picked today to fill it all the way up. As I was driving away, I could no longer deny that I am a very angry person.
She recommended finding something to help release stress and anger. Since screaming into a dark, endless abyss was unrealistic, we settled on darts and screaming into a pillow. I don’t scream or yell, though; I’m not sure I remember how to. Maybe I’ll look into other techniques. Breaking things would be fabulous, but those places cost money. Perhaps if I let myself be angry sometimes, I wouldn’t get mad about every little thing. I guess I know what I’ll be talking about at my next session. I still don’t think I’m an angry person though. Angsty, most definitely, but not angry.
Thank you for reading. If anyone has any strategies for coping with anger, feel free to share it in the comments. I’ll see you in 2 weeks!
Sincerely,
LIBD
Angry? Me? Never!
