Hey everyone! It’s been a while hasn’t it? I’ll talk about that at the end, but for now let’s get right into it.
You can go You can start all over again You can try to find a way to make another day go by
Dude, I feel like that’s been my whole life the past 10 months. Just trying to find ways to make the day go by. Mostly by eating which is how I gained like 13 lbs which isn’t boosting my self-esteem at all. Perhaps I should just start all over. Clean room, clean face, clean self, better diet, and just start over. I don’t know what my life is right now, but it’s not looking salvageable that’s for sure.
You can hide Hold all your feelings inside You can try to carry on when all you wanna do is cry
I’m relating to this song so much. One night I just cried and cried even when I really didn’t know why I was crying anymore. Perhaps that was why; Perhaps I was tired of carrying on. Tired of holding all my feelings inside because I can’t express them to the people who need to hear them because it will just start a fight and I have more important to fight with people who can’t be bothered to care about what I have to say. It’s exhausting though you know? Hiding everything all the time. Do you guys ever feel like that?
Chorus: And maybe someday we'll figure all this out Try to put an end to all our doubt Try to find a way to make things better now and Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud We'll be better off somehow, someday
Dude, that sounds AMAZING figuring it out, putting ends to doubt, AND being better off somehow?!?! Sign me up and count me in!!! In all seriousness though I think SOMEDAY we will. Okay, that’s a lie I KNOW we will. I was there once, but then I got lost again. I think when people talk about having something figured out it implies a solution or success. If I remember correctly, the key to putting an end to my doubt and being better off was figuring out that life isn’t about figuring it out. It wasn’t till I stopped trying so hard to figure life out and just lived that I finally found happiness. I think…
Now we wait And try to find another mistake If you throw it all away, then maybe you can change your mind
I think I often get so caught up in doing life the ‘right way’ when the best moments are ones that weren’t micro planned in advance. I was looking back at old pictures of me with horses and I looked so happy. Which is crazy, because at the time I know I wasn’t trying to create a photographic moment that I would look back on many years later with a fond smile. I was just living, and I looked so happy doing it! Perhaps my issue is that I’m focusing on things I think I’m doing wrong in life when there is no right way. The last time I was really happy I was walking home from work, and it was Sunny, and I was listening to Life is Beautiful by Oneus. The time before that was the concert. Oh yeah. I saw Oneus it was great until I had a panic attack but despite that, it was one of the best moments of my life. I think that’s it. Like I heard Woosung from The Rose say a while back; If he could tell his younger self anything it would be to stop taking life so seriously. It’s just life, and it’s all we’ve got so maybe I should stop trying to make it perfect and just experience it.
You can run And when everything is over and done You can shine a little light on everything around you Man, it's good to be someone
I wouldn’t know anything about that. At the same time though, I think I’m ready to be okay again. I’ve still got a ways to go, but I think I’m ready now. For the last 3 months, I’ve wanted so bad to just be happy, but I don’t think I’ve been ready to embrace happiness once I found it. I’ve been stressing so much about how to fix my life, but it was never broken it was me that was broken. I apologize for this paragraph by the way. Grammarly says it’s a bit “bland”. However, now that I added that little note, suddenly it finds it at least slightly engaging.
[Insert Chorus] I don't wanna wait I just wanna know I just wanna hear you tell me so Give it to me straight Tell it to me slow
It’s just as hard getting better as it is getting worse. Once I start feeling better and feeling good, I also feel stupid and weak. Like it’s so easy to say this stuff and feel like maybe it will be okay so why the hell did it take me this long. I did get my meds adjusted just over a week ago so that probably has something to do with it. I am feeling a bit better, but I feel like this time it could be real. This time I think I can find my way out of the darkness in time.
'Cause maybe someday we'll figure all this out We'll put an end to all our doubt Try to find a way to just to feel better now and Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud We'll be better off somehow, someday
Someday soon, I hope.
'Cause sometimes we don't really notice Just how good it can get So maybe we should start all over Start all over, again [x2]
I think that’s what I’ll do. I’ll start over stop trying to find the right answers and stop trying to make the right choices to avoid regrets. They are a part of life, and I would rather be happy with a few regrets than miserable and safe. It’s kind of annoying that I’ve been depressed for almost a year and suddenly solved all my problems in one post. Well, my counselor did say I sounded better at my last appt. I know what to work on and I’ve got a clean room almost. Tomorrow I’ll shower and maybe wash my face for the first time in 6 months if I’m feeling really crazy.
I missed you guys. You’re such good listeners. If I was paying y’all you would totally get a raise, but I’m dirt poor and cheap so even if I had the money, I wouldn’t spend it trying to bribe people to read this nonsense. I’m kidding. I hope………
Anywho; Shoutout to my friends from church who came and helped me tackle the monster mess of my room. Shout out to my Tomoon friends who have suffered the misfortune of listening to me bitch, and whine, and complain about every single little stupid thing. For real you guys are angels. I would have kicked myself out of our group chat months ago.
Shout out to Oneus for being amazing. When I can’t think of a reason to give a shit, I think of them and how disappointed they would be if they knew I had just laid down and quit. They always encourage us to take care of ourselves first, so thank you Oneus. Meeting them was amazing even though I don’t remember half of it and I had a panic attack right after, but I made it out of the building after it was all over so I’m counting it as a win. I basically held it together the entire time probably cause the entire time I was just in the moment and it wasn’t till it was over that I started overthinking everyone.
I remember my exact words to my mother on the phone in the middle of the panic attack. Now read this in the voice of someone ugly crying and hyperventilating. “I didn’t even look at Ravn, and I don’t remember half of them, They probably think I’m so rude!!!!… I don’t even remember Ravn’s face!” I was very upset about Ravn for some reason I think because I love his red hair and I wanted to see it up close, but considering I’ve had not had any real social interaction like that in 4 years, I think it’s kind of amazing that I remember any of it. I remember Keonhee the most because I had been practicing for weeks before the concert 콘서트 진짜 좋아했서요which means the concert was really good. I said it perfectly to him and then my brain was like “Oh shit you’ve totally ignored Ravn Leedo and Seoho” I definitely high-fived them because I remember my hand touching other hands, but that was it. I did remember to say thank you to Hwanwoong and Xion, but by that point, I had already ruined it. Keonhee’s smile up close though and the way he nods his head as he smiles… Idk if he actually heard what I said but that smile and nod alone were well worth the money I spent.
Whenever I’ve had a long day, I’ll close my eyes and remember Keonhee’s smiling face and smile like an idiot like I am right now typing this. He’s adorable. They all are, and they were FANTASTIC live. I can’t wait till they come back, so I can see them, but for now, I must prepare for their comeback with all the other hardworking Tomoons so I wanted to post something before I vanish again. Wow, this is long, but it had been a long time so it’s okay right? Is it too long? Y’all are so quiet I never know. At least promise to tell me if it sucks, okay? Promise?
Sincerely,
LIBD
