Tag: getting better

assorted color star decor on maroon textile

#MusicMonday (Best Day of my life by Simple plan)

Posted on by LIBD

Surprise!!!! After writing frown, taking some time to be sad and angry, and getting a short but sweet pep talk from my friend. I think I wanna write it. Keeping in mind what I mentioned in last weeks post, I think it’s going to be a little different than what I thought I would write. That’s been how this entire series has gone though, so I’m not worried. I’ve been pleasantly surprised by how it’s turned out so far.

How many good things in my life have I missed out on
By not appreciated what I've got

A lot, but a long time a wrote a post where I mentioned how it’s hard to appreciate things you’ve always had. Until recently, I took for granted having my own space in my mom’s basement, it was just part of my life. I didn’t appreciate not having to think about every purchase I made and whether I could afford something or not. Since I moved in with my dad I’ve got 3 drawers and a foot and a half of closet space for my clothes, outside of work clothes and pj’s I’ve got maybe 4-5 summer shirts and 5-6 long-sleeve or hoodies. I never appreciated the variety I had to pick from. I’m so sick of wearing the same things over and over again.

Sometimes it's hard to see your lucky break for what it is
By only focusing on what it's not

I have this bad habit of always raising the bar. It started out if only I could drive my life would be better. Then it was if only I had a real job, I could be proud of myself. If only my blog had a few readers… If only my views were more consistent, I would be successful. If only I could get out of my mom’s house, I’d be better. Now it’s if only I had my own place I could be proud of myself. I never take time to be proud of myself, I just raise the bar in hopes of one day “having my life together”.

[Pre-Chorus Part 1]
But now I'm starting to see
That my happiness has always been up to me

Some days I do see it. We can’t control what happens to us, but we can control our reactions. For example: after my little crisis the other day, I could choose to focus on that or try to move past that and realize that what I was upset about doesn’t define myself or my life. It’s so hard though, but my life doesn’t have to suck if I don’t want it to. It’s good to be sad and it’s good to be angry, but I shouldn’t let those temporary feelings dictate whether my life is good or bad. It’s whatever I decide it will be today, and today I think I’ll stop being angry and sad about things that I can’t change.

[Pre-Chorus Part 2]
And now I'm starting to see
That I've already got what I need

When you reach the point where you can separate yourself from your feelings, you can look at it from a different perspective. I have a few perspectives that I tend to go back to. The ‘It could be worse’ perspective, the ‘look how far I’ve come’ perspective, or the ‘in the grand scheme of life, is this the hill I want to die on?’ perspective. It depends on the situation. It could be worse doesn’t really work because what I’m mad about isn’t necessarily something that could be that much worse. Looking at how far I’ve come might help, but I haven’t come nearly as far as I hoped, and that’s the problem.

The last one I think is my best bet given the situation. Out of all my problems, if this was the worst one, I wouldn’t even be mad about it. My life would have to be pretty great for this trivial matter to be the worst. I talked in the first post about people ruining your life, but problems and events can have the same power if we let them. Is this really the hill I want to die on. Is this really the thing that I’m going to let ruin my life. No, if anything is going to ruin my life, this is definitely near the bottom. I think it’s time to suck it up and move on.

[Chorus]
Today, I'll live like my glass is half full
There's light at the end of the tunnel
There's always a blessing in disguise
Or by your side
And I, I'm on the top of the world
I'm holding my chin up high
'Cause I'm livin' every day
Like it's the best f**kin' day of my life

I don’t think I could live every day like that. Realistically I don’t think any sane person could, but it’s a good reminder to step back and try to look at it from a different perspective. It’s not going to make it easier and it’s not going to make it go away, but it might make it smaller. I have a tendency when something is wrong to project that feeling on my entire life, but an Etsy shop with no traffic or views is hardly a reflection of my entire life as a whole. Just saying out loud sounds even stupider than I already know it was.

It's time to stop with all the judging by comparison
There's always someone who's got so much more

A lot of someone’s actually, somewhere out there though there’s also someone jealous of you. I promise. There are more successful people than me, there are more successful Etsy shops than mine, but there’s nobody else on earth who can be me better than I can. There’s no one on earth who could be you better than you can.

So what's the point of tryna keep up with it anyway?
Just live your life instead of keeping score
[Insert Pre-Chorus & Chorus]

Everyone’s got problems. Let’s not be jealous of other people’s problems just because they seem happy. Maybe I could be happy. Maybe I could be successful. Maybe I already am. The only reason I think I’m not, is because I use other people as a standard of what I think success looks like. If I take other people out of the equation, I’m just a person who tries really hard and has accomplished a lot. That’s something I think I could be proud of. I hope you can be proud of you too.

Every sunset, every wake
Every time I see your face
Moments I appreciate
I won't let them go to waste

If I can be mad that my Etsy shop isn’t doing well then can’t I also be impressed with how well I did at my last event? Why aren’t I? I can be mad that I don’t have my own horse, so why can’t I smile and remember all the time I spent with Melody and Sunshine. Why is it always the bad things I try so hard to hold onto?

Every high and every low
Every path and every road
Every moment, I'll embrace
I won't let them go to waste

I want to challenge myself whenever I think of something negative to think of something positive that has to do with whatever I was thinking about. What’s the point of good memories besides remembering them when life gets hard. When I’m sad they can remind me that I was also happy, when I think I’m failing they can remind me of my successes. When I think life sucks I can remember that it hasn’t always. It won’t make the feelings go away, but if nothing else it reminds us that there is hope.

Today, I'll live like my glass is half full
There's light at the end of the tunnel
There's always a blessing in disguise
Or by your side
And I, I'm on the top of the world
I'm holding my chin up high
'Cause I'm livin' every day
Like it's the best fuckin' day of my life
(Let's go)

I’m not going to feel happy every day, and not every day is going to be a good one, but at the end of the day the question I have to ask myself is this: Am I really going to let this moment or this feeling ruin my life? I’m not going to live every day like it’s the best day of my life, but I hope I can remember that for as bad as a moment might be, there was a moment that was just as good as this was bad. I read once that brains naturally tend to remember and focus on negative things. It’s not always easy to see a bright side. Life is difficult, and that will never change.

What can change is my perspective. There’s a time to scream and cry and be angry, but there’s also a time to remind my brain that this feeling doesn’t define my life. When I feel like a failure, I hope I can also remember the times I wasn’t. When life feels hopeless, I want to remember the time’s I had hope. When life feels meaningless, I hope I can remember the times it was meaningful. Maybe I won’t right away, as I’ve said many times it’s important to let yourself feel and process whatever you’re feeling. When we are done though I hope we can hold our chins up high and live each day like it’s not the worst day of our lives.

Sincerely,
LIBD

label cut out papers on the cardboard

Killing myself… with kindness

Posted on by LIBD

I’m a week late!!!!! I was doing so well keeping up with my posting schedule. With my new job I may have to aim for once a month for now. I finally found the inspiration to write something. It’s not long, but as I said in one of my previous posts… Anything is better than nothing.

I sometimes reach a level of frustration, which causes an automated response. It occasionally happened with customers that couldn’t make up their minds or were being difficult where I stared at them dead in the face and thought, “you make me wanna kill myself.” Me and my other coworker who suffered from depression joked about it a lot. It got worse with driving, though, I’ll be stuck behind some moron, and I’m in my car yelling, “Do you want me to kill myself?” I never mean it. It’s like yelling the F word; it’s the only thing that can express that level of anger and frustration. I’m not violent, and I feel bad breaking things, so hostile words and phrases are my only outlet, and it feels good to let it out. Could it be passive suicidal ideation? No, the thought of death terrifies me once more, so that’s a good sign. I’m just overly dramatic with my road rage.

I recently had an appt. with my psychiatrist, and we had the most unusual conversation. I was going on and on about everything I wasn’t doing. And she kept bringing up everything I was doing, and eventually, this is where the conversation went. I’ll put my words in italics;

I just don’t know what to do! I think you do know what to do. You know all the answers; you just don’t like them, but I think you know the right answer. But if I’m nice to myself, then I’m telling myself that having a messy room is okay, which I mean it is, but I feel like I’m allowing myself to be subpar. Erin, would you say any of this to a friend? Of course not I’d slap them silly if I knew they even thought any of this about themselves. Okay, so maybe you should extend that courtesy to yourself and give it a try. You have a lot to be proud of, so be kind to yourself and try to work on showering even if you can’t be bothered to wash your hair. That’s true. That’s why dry shampoo exists. Alright, I give the whole kindness thing a try. Clearly, shaming and criticizing myself isn’t working either.

So I tried it, and the first day was pleasant and very relaxing. I even picked up the trash without guilting myself into doing it. Today I washed the dishes. Tomorrow I’m hoping to shower and return an Amazon package to kohls. Today is going better than yesterday though. Yesterday around this time in the evening, it all went to shit. I started getting tense and anxious, pacing and thinking of everything I needed to do, and I tried thinking about everything I’d done and could be proud of. But all I could think was, I need to do this, I should do this, I need to do that, I shouldn’t have done this, I need to be perfect…

And I realized then how much of a problem I had. I woke up to a better-ish day today, but I would say both sides of my brain have reached an agreement. The mean side won’t keep hating if the nice side doesn’t start cheerleading. Considering how my first day ended, peaceful neutrality is a good place to start.When my brain starts going all perfectionist on me, it brings up the F word ‘you make me wanna kill myself’ anger, so I’ve decided to try to kill myself with kindness. After all, if there’s one thing I’ve learned from Roy Kent in Ted Lasso, it’s that there’s no bad feeling that can’t be overcome by cursing loudly and angrily. It’s weird though. It’s so dull when I’m not shaming and berating myself all day. I don’t know what to do with all this free time. I should have done laundry (see, there I go again. I didn’t even notice until I was editing), but if I’m this bored today, I’m sure I’ll have no problem staying busy tomorrow.

Sincerely,
LIBD

iphone near spiral book and laptop

Regaining Control

Posted on by LIBD

Hey y’all! How goes it? How’s the new year treating you? Hopefully you said good, but if not, that really sucks, and I’m sorry your year is going poorly. I hope this blog post can help you. I’ve started writing stuff ahead of time, so I can post more consistently.

I’m writing this on January 24th. Honestly, my year is off to a good start for once. I’m also trying to be proactive, though. I’m trying to keep my mental health in check so that even if it gets bad, I can deal with it without spiraling into depression.

I just told someone I can’t talk on the phone, but I can text. They don’t need to know that the reason why I can’t is that I can’t be bothered. I don’t want to talk sometimes though. I do cherish my alone time. I’m making more jewelry, and I’ve been listening to Woosungs mindest series for the past few days. Mindset is like the calm app but WAY cheaper, and I like it better. Woosung, aka Sammy, is the lead singer/guitarist for The Rose.

I wanna start by saying thank you to Woosung. It’s not easy to be open and honest about your life, but he was, and the things he said helped me a lot. One of my favorite parts was an extra thing he did when talking about dealing with controversy. He said he admired people who were faced with a problem, and even though it was probably annoying and inconvenient, they focused on how they could fix it and go on with their life. He mentioned something that I’ve said numerous times. I say it differently than he does, and since it’s my blog, I will use my own words.

I say this to my coworkers all the time (not out loud, just in my head), “I’m sorry your life sucks, but it’s really not my problem, so if you could just do your job with a smile instead of ruining everyone else’s day that’d be great.” And out of all my shortcomings, that is the one thing I try not to do since I have been on the receiving end. When I’m having a bad day, I leave it all at home. As much as I wish everyone else could be miserable with me, that would make me what Woosung so elegantly referred to as “a negative a** person.” I laughed so hard. I don’t know why I found it to be so hilarious.

He also inspired me to start eating healthy and making a serious effort to care for myself. So far, I’ve brushed my teeth 3 nights in a row and washed my face last night AND this morning, AND I showered today!! I don’t even know who I am anymore. It’s awesome. He said something that normally would have been…. Triggering isn’t the right word; more like, ‘hell no.’ He talked about how if you don’t like something about your life, you can change it, but I looked at it a little differently this time.

In the past, it made me mad when people said that because I couldn’t just stop being depressed, but I realized that wasn’t it. If I don’t like the fact I’m not losing weight, then I can eat better. I’m trying to eat lots more vegetables and cut back on snacks and junk food. Today I had a salad for breakfast and a veggie sub for lunch….. but then for dinner, I had a double cheeseburger, potato teasers, and a hot fudge peanut butter milkshake, but even that is an improvement. He said once your body get’s used to healthier foods, it’s easier to stay away from the unhealthy stuff. And I feel so tired after that dinner, so clearly, it was a bad idea, haha.

If I don’t like my messy room, I can clean it. Still, cleaning is sometimes hard for me, so even if I don’t clean it, I can remind myself that it’s just a room and the mess has no effect on my life despite being a mild annoyance. Sometimes when I’m depressed, it feels like my life is out of control, but that’s not true. Sure, there are things we cannot control, but we can control how we react and deal with those things. When I’m depressed, I can think about how horrible my life is, or I can say to myself, “I’m depressed, and that sucks, so if I’ll I do is watch tv, then I should at least enjoy that.”

I think that’s where I always got it twisted. I try to change situations instead of finding a better way to deal with the situation. I want to hold onto all of these things as the year continues, and hopefully, by the time this is posted, I will still be doing okay. I highly recommend the Mindset app. It has a daily check-in and stories from various people sharing their struggles, things they’ve learned, and how they’ve gotten where they are today. This will sound terrible, but the thing that gave me the most comfort when I was depressed was hearing stories about other people’s struggles. I’m sorry that anyone has to go through difficult periods, but when I’m depressed, I feel so alone. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who feels like that, and if they got better, then maybe I can too. I think I really am this year, but it’s still early, so we’ll see.
Thank you for your reading; please give it a like and subscribe. Comments are always welcome as long as you aren’t a negative a** person. Thank you for the kind comments; it really makes my day! I hope you guys are doing well, and I’m cheering for all of you and wishing you the best. Let’s all try to have a good year and look after our mental health. Thank you to Woosung, the mindset app, all my friends, and all of you readers and subscribers. I’m genuinely grateful to each and every one of you.

Sincerely,
LIBD

#Music Monday (Halazia by Ateez)

Posted on by LIBD

Hey, y’all!! How goes it? I told you I was gonna try to be a better blogger this year, and so far, it’s going pretty good. On new years eve, my kpop friend was nice enough to hang out for a bit before going to a party with her family so I wouldn’t be totally alone. We were browsing youtube as we do when we hang out, and I saw Ateez had a new song. This is how it went down, “What’s that?” “Halazia, it’s their new song, kind of a sequel I think to Hala Hala.” I LOVE Hala Hala. It’s my favorite, so obviously, I had to check it out. OMG, the sound, the outfits, Seonghwa’s face, and Yeosangs voice. The building could have caught fire, and I wouldn’t care as long as I listened to Yeosang singing the part in the pre-chorus.

Anyway, I saw a few music show performances, and wow. Seriously my new favorite of all their videos. Non-Kpop people won’t understand this following sentence, but… Ateez came back with this video and were collectively like, “say goodbye to your bias because you’re about to be wrecked.” It was when I was watching a reaction video. They mentioned the lyrics that I realized I was so distracted by the…… well, everything that I hadn’t even paid attention to them. And if I loved it before, I only loved it more after I read the lyrics. It embodied this feeling I have of uncertainty in life, wanting to do great things, wondering if where I am now is a good place to be, which I know it is. It all comes back to the fact I have no idea what I’m doing in life, so how do I know if I’m doing well or not. Anyway, that’s what I got out of this song, so let’s get started.

Oh, light [x3]
Be the light, oh, Halazia
Oh, no, everything has become barren, ooh, yeah
We all try but we lose emotion

I talked about Cats: The Movie before and how much I enjoyed it because the musical gave them nothing to work with. They made a plot out of a bunch of songs that didn’t make any sense, but it was fun, so no one really cared. That’s what life feels like. Like, I’m trying to make a movie out of a bunch of random short stories that really have nothing to do with each other. How do we know if it really means anything?

Getting used to the feeling of losing
Getting paralyzed
In shackled freedom (Yeah)
A small fantasy within me
Oh, Halazia, Halazia, Halazia

Right now, I’m in the stage after depression where you start to feel hope and think, “maybe everything will be alright.” However, I’m still scared cause I’ve wasted so much time and failed so horribly at life in the past that it almost seems silly to hope because I’ve been here before. But then I fell back into old habits and negative thinking.

I want to hear
The sound of love's breath
I want to know
If it's okay this way

Just some sort of sign that I’m going in the right direction. Something to let me know that this is okay and that I’m on the right path. Or that it’s okay to let my guard down and hope that things will get better and that it’s not just some brief string of luck.

[Pre-Chorus]
Mm, the little blue bird that lost its voice
I can hear the whispers
The beginnings of a deep echo
The voice that will overturn the world

The feeling came back again. The little nagging feeling that everything is gonna work out. That little voice saying my life isn’t meaningless after all. That I do have the power to make the world a better place somehow. I want to believe that so badly. I very much want it to be true.

[Chorus]
Hala-hala-hala-hala-halazia [x4]
I can't feel what it's like to be alive
Even now, in this moment
Color this infinitely cold world
Be the light, oh, Halazia

I don’t just want to maybe believe it. I want to feel it. I want it to be true.

Please let me take real breaths
Let me dance a real dance
Let me dream a real dream and
Let me feel all these senses

Right now, I’ve reached the stage I call ‘Happy Anxiety’ It’s when I think about how good life is going and how amazing it could be and feel like I can actually do it. So I start feeling anxious because good things don’t happen to me and living a meaningful life still seems too good to be true. I want it to be real. It’s just a scary thought because the better I feel, the worse I can get.

Even love has been swallowed up
When waves are made
Here in this place
This movement that will last forever

So many wonderful, terrifying possibilities. Sometimes I think it’s better to be depressed because when you don’t hope you don’t get disappointed.

Who are you?
Uh, it's just me, myself and I
Who are you?
Who are you reflected in the mirror?
Who are you?

A while back, I told my friend that hopefully, normal Erin would be back soon because depressed Erin is no fun. It is weird how different the 2 are. Sometimes I feel like being normal and happy is a lot of pressure. I want to be like that, but as I said, it’s scary.

Behind this road lies expectations within expectations
Where do I stand among the next and future generations?

It’s a valid question. Wouldn’t it be nice to have all the answers?

[Insert Pre-Chorus and Chorus here]
The truth hidden in fear
Blooms beyond that
*Distinctly beyond there*
What have we been so silent for?
Who are we in the darkness for?
If one wish could be realized, would you grant me the light?
For hot passion instead of cold despair
I want to feel

This is the part that really got me. Sometimes when I hear music, I can’t describe what it means to me in words because I can tell that the person who wrote the song understands the feelings I’ve been struggling with. I think it makes sense that I would be scared, but I can’t live if I let the fear keep holding me back. Maybe that’s how it is in life. You don’t know in words if you are doing well or not. It’s that feeling I need to follow to get where I want to go. To feel like my life means something. To feel happy and alive, not scared and sad. That’s what I want this year.

Be the light, oh, Halazia
No more, keep control
Halazia
No more, keep your soul
Halazia
No more, keep control
Halazia
Clear the darkness, oh, Halazia
Halazia
Be the light, oh, Halazia

I can’t tell you what Halazia means, but I think I know, even if I can’t find words for it. I hope I can live my life with some Halazia. It’s okay to be afraid as long as I don’t let that fear stop me from living my best life. I really want this year to be different, and I hope it will be. Not just for me but for you guys too. I hope this is your best year yet!

Sincerely,
LIBD

Being Inspired by Dreams

Posted on by LIBD

In the article Oneus: The Concept Kings Reign in London, the author asks Oneus what messages they would want to give fans inspired to follow in their footsteps. This was the answer they gave:

“If you [only] keep your dreams as a dream in life, you cannot actually achieve anything. But we went for it”

-Hwanwoong (Oneus)

When I first read this, I wanted to say, “It’s easy for you to say Woongie; you’re already there!” Then I read the quote over again and realized I was wrong. It probably was easy to say, but the journey that led them to the interview where he said it was most likely anything but. They gave everything they had to get where they are today. This is why as much as I would like to be angry about his statement, I can’t.

If you’ve read my blog before, you know I have a rocky relationship with myself. I struggle with being a perfectionist and setting impossibly high standards for myself. Then when I don’t reach those standards, I become disappointed with myself for being a failure. It’s something I’m still working on. It’s not easy trying to follow my dreams when there’s no way to be sure my hard work pays off. It’s so much work for something that isn’t guaranteed. Many trainees at K-pop companies don’t debut, and their hard work amounts to nothing. Well, not nothing. Sometimes they become back up dancers or something like that. Even so, that’s a terrifying thought for me. That you could put in so much effort and have it not turn out the way you want.

I’m sure it wasn’t always easy for Oneus. We only see what they let us see, and only know what they tell us, but perhaps they had days when they felt discouraged. Or felt like their hard work wasn’t paying off like they were hoping. Luckily, they have Tomoons to love and support them every day. Xion always talks about how we give them strength and encouragement to keep going. Perhaps they are too busy to contemplate life as much as I do. As I said, I only know what they tell us, so these are my assumptions. I’ve written about it before, but Xion once said he hopes that when we think of them, we feel encouraged just like we make them feel. Fear not Xion, we do. On days when I don’t want to work, I think about how hard they work. I’m sure they have days they don’t want to work, but they do it anyway and give it their best, so I will too. The other night I had the worst panic attack I’d had in a while. I listened to their music, focusing on figuring out who was singing which part until I calmed down. Then watched them build furniture from Ikea until I felt like I could breathe properly again.

Everyone always tells you to chase your dreams. I probably said it at one point too, but I think the concept of chasing dreams is slightly misleading. Following your dreams sounds a little off too. I’ve always believed that you chase your dreams, then catch them, and then life is complete, and you can be happy. Oneus achieved their dream, but they haven’t stopped though. They keep working at it every day, making new goals for themselves. As we work towards our goals, it can get more complicated, which I am learning to understand as I try to improve my blog. For Oneus, I believe that as it got harder, it also got more manageable. They’ve grown so much as a group and keep getting better. So maybe it isn’t getting any easier, but they keep getting better at it, and I think it’s more enjoyable for them. They finally got to participate in ISAC (K-pop Olympics), and they had really been looking forward to it. After almost 2 years, they’ve been able to perform again and see Tomoons worldwide, which I know was on the top of their to-do list during Covid. They also got their first music show win.

However, I think the biggest thing that I can’t understand about Oneus is when they lose. They act like they don’t care about losing, but I do, and so do the other Tomoons. After a tough loss, I finally snapped and asked another Tomoon, “Why the hell aren’t they furious right now?!” Someone said it was because they knew we worked hard for them even if we didn’t win. Oneus knew that Tomoons did their best, and that’s all that mattered to them. We aren’t even allowed to apologize to them when we lose! Because all they care about is that we did our best regardless of the result. Winning is just the strawberries on top of the cake for them (Tomoon will appreciate that metaphor).

It’s tough for me to wrap my head around that. As I said earlier, in my mind, there has always been success and failure. Until I’m succeeding, I’m failing, but success isn’t that simple. Perhaps I should focus on putting in the effort instead of obsessing over the result. Maybe I need to stop looking at my dreams as an end result. I enjoy having a blog, and that’s what I’m doing. Perhaps only 3 people read it, but I hope those 3 people enjoy each post. Because who cares if everyone reads it if it doesn’t mean anything to anyone? At that point, I’m just wasting my time.

Oneus said during the Black Mirror era that before they debuted, their CEO told them something that they were finally starting to understand. He said, “It’s good if you do good from the start, but you don’t need to be rushed. It’s good if you grow little by little.” It’s funny because all of them (Keonhee and Xion especially) talk about how they promise to get better and do better. Whenever they say that I’m like, “Dude, you guys are amazing. You don’t have to keep trying so hard.” But I think I get it now, and I also promise to keep improving my blog the best I can. I’m not saying I’m amazing, but there is always room for improvement.

I’ve always struggled with black and white thinking, but maybe I can learn to live in the grey area. Oneus only has one music show win so far. Still, even though they have already achieved their dreams of debuting in a successful group and getting a music show win, they aren’t stopping or slowing down. I’ve always focused too much on the end result. Maybe I can learn from Oneus. Maybe going step by step isn’t that bad. I said in the last post that I wasted a year of my life, but I didn’t. I’m going to get my driver’s license soon. I’m hoping to finally find a dentist next month. I gained some weight, but it definitely could have been worse. I’m improving with jumping in horseback riding class, and my teacher said I’ve improved greatly in the past 2 months.

The only reason the past year sucked is that I told myself it did. I actually did really good! My blog has come a LONG way in the past month too. I’ve been working hard editing all my past posts, adding photos, and improving SEO (Which was a nightmare and a half). Even if I’m doing good, I always want to be better, just like Oneus, but I am getting better. Maybe instead of constantly analyzing and trying to control every day of my life, I can try enjoying it. A line in one of Oneus’ songs says, “aren’t you looking forward to life?” (Bonus point if you knew that was from the Music Monday I did for their song Now). I’m not right now, but I want to look forward to life again. So just like Keonhee and Xion, I will do my best to show a better version of myself in the future.

Sincerely,
LIBD

#MusicMonday (Ready Now by Woojin)

Posted on by LIBD

Welcome to part 1 or 2 of my series. Does the intro count as part 1? Or is this part 1? Please let me know in the comments. This translation is from klyricsforyou.com. Their translation was the most readable. Because of how the Korean language works, I tend to pick the most readable translation. Often, translations that are too literal don’t always make sense. Thankfully, I found a good translation and didn’t have to do it myself. Let’s get started!

Now stop
Even when I yell out that it hurts
You smile and scar me again

Life is hard. I say it all the time, but it’s true. It’s been hard the past year. I cried, I got angry, I ignored it… Yet here I am writing this series. Another year of my life was wasted, and it’s all my fault. Yay.

The image of an ordinary person without a mask
That normal face scares me even more

Recently I’ve felt like I don’t know who I am. I’ve tried so hard to be…… however I should be, but I don’t even remember how. I try to be funny. Making people laugh makes me feel good for a few minutes. I try to talk to people, but I talk about myself, and I never know if I’m doing okay or if I should just shut up. I hate it.

(oh eh oh eh oh)
Every day, I’m struggling
To not lose to these dark emotions

It’s so hard. I just want to be happy and cheerful again, and I never thought I would say those words, but it’s true. I want to look forward to life again. I want to make my life something I can be proud of. I want to be the real me again, but I’m not quite sure who that is anymore.

(oh eh oh eh oh)
As I believe that this moment will surely pass
(Let it go)

It happened once, so I know it will happen again. I want to find the real me again. She was super awesome, and I miss her a lot. I hope she comes back soon.

This anxious night endlessly calls out to me
There’s a faint light inside that darkness

I can see the potential of everything life offers, but I feel like it’s just out of reach. Just do it, just live. Such simple words… so why is it so difficult?

[Pre-Chorus] This pain seems like it’ll last forever
I’m in my own hands, it’s the end

I got my meds adjusted, and I am feeling better. I know it takes time, but I don’t have time. I’ve wasted so much already. How long will I let life pass me by without doing anything about it? Doing nothing is so much easier though, and I just can’t seem to find enough energy to try.

[Chorus] Let’s clash against this together
I’m ready now (Hey Hey)
I’m ready now, It’s the end

One good thing is I’ve graduated from not caring at all to caring a little. I want to do better and feel like I can do better. I’m ready to be happy again and start chasing after my dreams again. I’m ready to be better, but I’m still waiting for it to happen.

[Chorus cont.] Put a brilliant end to the painful times
Cuz I’m ready, It’s the end
oh oh oh oh oh It’s the end

Like in my music Monday for Someday by Rob Thomas, I need to forget the past. Depression is a horrible disease that can ruin your entire life, but I’m starting to feel better, so I need to put my best foot forward.

I’m throwing a spark, not knowing it’ll grow bigger, yeah
The reasonless and cruel joke creates ashes in me
I find courage to say, please stop but
The quiet echo keeps repeating back to me

I feel like I’m back to the beginning. I have to learn to be happy all over again, but maybe I do. Perhaps I just need to remember how.

Hardships endlessly continue
And tomorrow keeps coming
[Pre-Chorus & Chorus]

Every day I struggle to do things just feels like another nail in the coffin. How am I supposed to follow my dreams if I can’t even bring myself to shower and brush my teeth? I understand how a person can be so horrible at doing life. Yet, here I am, amazing myself a little more every day in the worst possible way. The days just keep coming and going, and every day is another day I wasted.

Honestly, I’m still nervous and afraid
Afraid that I won’t be able to endure
Because it’s a difficult path
But still, I’m taking one more step

Honestly, I’m terrified. What if I’m never happy again? What if I never get back to normal? What if I just suck forever and die alone at the end of a long, meaningless life? I’m trying, and I know I’m getting better, but I’m tired. I don’t want to keep getting better; I want to BE better. I want to be the fun, confident Erin. Who didn’t care if she wasted 10 years of her life because, as Oneus says in their song Incomplete, “It’s okay if I’m starting a little later than everyone else”. Like Keonhee says in their song Life is Beautiful, “A little slower’s not gonna hurt your vibe”. Fun, confident Erin believed those things and lived by them. I want to believe again.

I’m putting an end to this pain
I’m starting again, yeah
From the beginning, just like new
So you and I can smile

What if I just chose to believe those things again? It’s almost midnight, but what if when I woke up tomorrow, I just believed again that it was okay if I started a little late? What if I started first thing tomorrow when I woke up? Not beating myself up for everything I don’t do. Appreciating the happy moments as they happen. What if I stopped trying so hard to be better and decided to just be?

Now I’m going forward
I’m ready now (Hey Hey)
I’m ready now, Let’s begin
Preparing for a new beginning
For that bright sun of tomorrow
Cuz I’m ready, Let’s begin

I’m not excited about life, but I’m excited for tomorrow. I’m going to stop trying so hard to be “normal” or “happy” and just live because, like Oneus says, “Life is Beautiful.” And Oneus would never lie to us, so it must be true. That’s my story, and I’m sticking with it.

I’m putting an end to this pain
So you and I can smile
Let’s begin

Tomorrow I’m not going to expect anything of myself. If I don’t brush my teeth, who cares?! It won’t be the first time; it won’t be the last time. If I do absolutely nothing… Fine, then! Just another day in paradise. And if I find something to smile about, I’ll smile, and if tomorrow sucks, I’ll be bummed and try again the next day. I can’t let myself continue to live every day feeling defeated by life before the day even begins. So, I’m not going to focus on being better. I’m going to focus on enjoying life. I think I lived my best life when I stopped caring so much about living my best life.
Thanks for reading, and I’ll see y’all in part 3!

Sincerely,
LIBD

#MusicMonday (Someday by Rob Thomas)

Posted on by LIBD

Hey everyone! It’s been a while hasn’t it? I’ll talk about that at the end, but for now let’s get right into it.

You can go
You can start all over again
You can try to find a way to make another day go by

Dude, I feel like that’s been my whole life the past 10 months. Just trying to find ways to make the day go by. Mostly by eating which is how I gained like 13 lbs which isn’t boosting my self-esteem at all. Perhaps I should just start all over. Clean room, clean face, clean self, better diet, and just start over. I don’t know what my life is right now, but it’s not looking salvageable that’s for sure.

You can hide
Hold all your feelings inside
You can try to carry on when all you wanna do is cry

I’m relating to this song so much. One night I just cried and cried even when I really didn’t know why I was crying anymore. Perhaps that was why; Perhaps I was tired of carrying on. Tired of holding all my feelings inside because I can’t express them to the people who need to hear them because it will just start a fight and I have more important to fight with people who can’t be bothered to care about what I have to say. It’s exhausting though you know? Hiding everything all the time. Do you guys ever feel like that?

Chorus:
And maybe someday we'll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to make things better now and
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow, someday

Dude, that sounds AMAZING figuring it out, putting ends to doubt, AND being better off somehow?!?! Sign me up and count me in!!! In all seriousness though I think SOMEDAY we will. Okay, that’s a lie I KNOW we will. I was there once, but then I got lost again. I think when people talk about having something figured out it implies a solution or success. If I remember correctly, the key to putting an end to my doubt and being better off was figuring out that life isn’t about figuring it out. It wasn’t till I stopped trying so hard to figure life out and just lived that I finally found happiness. I think…

Now we wait
And try to find another mistake
If you throw it all away, then maybe you can change your mind

I think I often get so caught up in doing life the ‘right way’ when the best moments are ones that weren’t micro planned in advance. I was looking back at old pictures of me with horses and I looked so happy. Which is crazy, because at the time I know I wasn’t trying to create a photographic moment that I would look back on many years later with a fond smile. I was just living, and I looked so happy doing it! Perhaps my issue is that I’m focusing on things I think I’m doing wrong in life when there is no right way. The last time I was really happy I was walking home from work, and it was Sunny, and I was listening to Life is Beautiful by Oneus. The time before that was the concert. Oh yeah. I saw Oneus it was great until I had a panic attack but despite that, it was one of the best moments of my life. I think that’s it. Like I heard Woosung from The Rose say a while back; If he could tell his younger self anything it would be to stop taking life so seriously. It’s just life, and it’s all we’ve got so maybe I should stop trying to make it perfect and just experience it.

You can run
And when everything is over and done
You can shine a little light on everything around you
Man, it's good to be someone

I wouldn’t know anything about that. At the same time though, I think I’m ready to be okay again. I’ve still got a ways to go, but I think I’m ready now. For the last 3 months, I’ve wanted so bad to just be happy, but I don’t think I’ve been ready to embrace happiness once I found it. I’ve been stressing so much about how to fix my life, but it was never broken it was me that was broken. I apologize for this paragraph by the way. Grammarly says it’s a bit “bland”. However, now that I added that little note, suddenly it finds it at least slightly engaging.

[Insert Chorus]
I don't wanna wait
I just wanna know
I just wanna hear you tell me so
Give it to me straight
Tell it to me slow

It’s just as hard getting better as it is getting worse. Once I start feeling better and feeling good, I also feel stupid and weak. Like it’s so easy to say this stuff and feel like maybe it will be okay so why the hell did it take me this long. I did get my meds adjusted just over a week ago so that probably has something to do with it. I am feeling a bit better, but I feel like this time it could be real. This time I think I can find my way out of the darkness in time.

'Cause maybe someday we'll figure all this out
We'll put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to just to feel better now and
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow, someday

Someday soon, I hope.

'Cause sometimes we don't really notice
Just how good it can get
So maybe we should start all over
Start all over, again
[x2]

I think that’s what I’ll do. I’ll start over stop trying to find the right answers and stop trying to make the right choices to avoid regrets. They are a part of life, and I would rather be happy with a few regrets than miserable and safe. It’s kind of annoying that I’ve been depressed for almost a year and suddenly solved all my problems in one post. Well, my counselor did say I sounded better at my last appt. I know what to work on and I’ve got a clean room almost. Tomorrow I’ll shower and maybe wash my face for the first time in 6 months if I’m feeling really crazy.
I missed you guys. You’re such good listeners. If I was paying y’all you would totally get a raise, but I’m dirt poor and cheap so even if I had the money, I wouldn’t spend it trying to bribe people to read this nonsense. I’m kidding. I hope………
Anywho; Shoutout to my friends from church who came and helped me tackle the monster mess of my room. Shout out to my Tomoon friends who have suffered the misfortune of listening to me bitch, and whine, and complain about every single little stupid thing. For real you guys are angels. I would have kicked myself out of our group chat months ago.
Shout out to Oneus for being amazing. When I can’t think of a reason to give a shit, I think of them and how disappointed they would be if they knew I had just laid down and quit. They always encourage us to take care of ourselves first, so thank you Oneus. Meeting them was amazing even though I don’t remember half of it and I had a panic attack right after, but I made it out of the building after it was all over so I’m counting it as a win. I basically held it together the entire time probably cause the entire time I was just in the moment and it wasn’t till it was over that I started overthinking everyone.
I remember my exact words to my mother on the phone in the middle of the panic attack. Now read this in the voice of someone ugly crying and hyperventilating. “I didn’t even look at Ravn, and I don’t remember half of them, They probably think I’m so rude!!!!… I don’t even remember Ravn’s face!” I was very upset about Ravn for some reason I think because I love his red hair and I wanted to see it up close, but considering I’ve had not had any real social interaction like that in 4 years, I think it’s kind of amazing that I remember any of it. I remember Keonhee the most because I had been practicing for weeks before the concert 콘서트 진짜 좋아했서요which means the concert was really good. I said it perfectly to him and then my brain was like “Oh shit you’ve totally ignored Ravn Leedo and Seoho” I definitely high-fived them because I remember my hand touching other hands, but that was it. I did remember to say thank you to Hwanwoong and Xion, but by that point, I had already ruined it. Keonhee’s smile up close though and the way he nods his head as he smiles… Idk if he actually heard what I said but that smile and nod alone were well worth the money I spent.
Whenever I’ve had a long day, I’ll close my eyes and remember Keonhee’s smiling face and smile like an idiot like I am right now typing this. He’s adorable. They all are, and they were FANTASTIC live. I can’t wait till they come back, so I can see them, but for now, I must prepare for their comeback with all the other hardworking Tomoons so I wanted to post something before I vanish again. Wow, this is long, but it had been a long time so it’s okay right? Is it too long? Y’all are so quiet I never know. At least promise to tell me if it sucks, okay? Promise?

Sincerely,
LIBD

#MusicMonday (Now by Oneus)

Posted on by LIBD

Finally, a #MusicMonday for a Oneus song!!!!!!! I’m very excited, in case you couldn’t tell by the 7-8 exclamation marks. Welcome to the 3rd and final part of the Living as Me series! After this, all that’s left is the outro, and then it’s all over. Sad face. After realizing that I don’t need to worry about everyone else’s opinion, this song has a whole new meaning for me, and I wanted to share it with you all, so let’s get to it! Also, I don’t know where this translation comes from, but I always just look for the ones that make the most sense.

Hey, you’ve got something special
Babe, just be real, not fake
Take care and love yourself
We are all the same

We are all special and unique. I am my own person, and that person also just so happens to be pretty awesome. I like who I am. I’m genuine, honest, and have a fabulous sense of style. Sometimes it gets me in trouble, though. I recently got punched when I told my friend that the shirt she was trying on looked a lot like this shirt my grandma wears. It wasn’t awful, but my grandma does have a shirt that looked a lot like it!! She told me she wanted my honest opinion; she should have known better than to ask my honest opinion about clothes. I’ve also been losing weight again (slowly but surely), and I think I look pretty amazing. We are all amazing. Each of us has our own charming point. We all have that me-ness about us that makes us who we are. No one else can be you. I can’t imagine someone else trying to be me; they would be awful at it. Just like no one else can be you as good as you can.

Feel the moment
Forget about the things
That are far away, alright
Look at the night sky
Countless stars and moonlight
Shining on us

Today I’m not going to think about yesterday or worry about tomorrow. I’ve got all day tomorrow to worry about tomorrow. Right now, I’m enjoying the song Camellia by Jukjae and Hyuk. It’s calming and relaxing, and I’m enjoying every second of their beautiful voices while I write this. What I miss most about my college is how well you could see the stars. Whenever I was stressed, I looked at the stars to find the only 3 constellations I knew: Cassiopeia, Orion’s belt, and the big or little dipper. For some reason, I could never find them both. They were always there. Even now that I’m back home and can’t see them as well, I know they are up there shining as brightly as ever. I like to think about stars; it probably has something to do with my obsession with shiny things or things that light up. Now I know why I love light sticks so much, and Oneus’s has glitter on the outside of theirs that looks like stars.

Right now, don’t worry
Everything else will pass, let it go
We are young now
We got right now
Yeah, let’s get loud

I’m not going to be young and pretty forever (I can hear my friends laughing as they read this comment, stop it, you know I’m as shallow as a kiddie pool!). I have to make sure I enjoy every single minute. I’m a bit behind, so I’ve got a lot to make up for. I wasted so much time thinking I could finally be happy as soon as I got my life together. Honestly though, having your life together is overrated. Also, I don’t want to wait that long. I’m just going to enjoy today, like this morning when I got to listen to what I like to call Ravn Radio (It was a v-live) while I got ready for work. He played many good songs, including What Makes You Beautiful by One Direction and I am the Best by 2NE1. It totally made my day!

At this moment (now)
It won’t come again (now)
Oh can you feel it right now
Oh can you feel it right now
Oh I can feel it right now

Every second, is a second I’m not going to get back, and I’m not going to have later. I want to enjoy life while I can still enjoy it, and I don’t need anyone else’s permission to be happy. I don’t know why I thought I did; sometimes, I’m a moron. It happens to the best of us. My grandpa has muscular dystrophy, too, and while the kind he has is worse than mine, he’s been in a wheelchair for most of my memory. I used to be so terrified that I would end up like that too and won’t be able to ride horses or do other fun stuff I like to do anymore. However, if I stay active and keep up with the exercises my physical therapist gave me, that day will be a long way away.

Right now, I can ride horses and run around the yard playing with my dog, and I’m going to enjoy every second of it. I’m going to enjoy everything I can do rather than be bitter about everything I can’t do. I promise from this moment forward to never say that muscular dystrophy is ruining my life ever again………… out loud. I’ll keep it to myself because I’m not going to pretend that’s not the reason I quit show jumping. My doctors are all like, “it’s dangerous you could get hurt,” so maybe they were right. However, I was only on crutches for like a month, and I didn’t even actually break anything; I just bruised a muscle (yeah, that’s actually a thing). So, all my friends moved up a level, and I didn’t want to be in a class with strangers, so I went back to barrel racing and contesting. That was a totally unnecessary story. Sorry, I killed the vibe, didn’t I?

Already a lot of customs, many similar things
It’s an overwhelming game
Oh when I was come here that (See note 1 in next paragraph)
Ah peace
The future is boom boom, mori (See note 2 in next paragraph)

Note 1: My only guess is possibly he used English words with Korean sentence structure, in which case it could be ‘that’s how it was when I came here (I could be wrong, though. I didn’t write the song; I’m just trying to help my readers out)
Note 2: Mori is a reference to the phrase memento mori, which in Latin roughly translates to “remember death is inevitable.” (I know, right?!)
I always used to joke, saying if the world ended tomorrow, I would be bummed if I didn’t eat cake today, but somehow the message got lost over time. If the world had ended a month ago, I would’ve been pissed that I didn’t actually enjoy my life. I don’t want to worry about that anymore. If the world ends tomorrow, that’s fine because I already bought 2 more Oneus albums for my collection. All my friends do it with their favorite groups. You got to have 1 of every version of every album if you want to be a true collector (or so I was told). I’m never going to worry about regretting that I didn’t buy it because I did. And that Snuper poster I was supposed to get a year or 2 ago, but they gave me a Wanna One poster…. Now I’ve finally got a Snuper poster, and I’m so happy. It’s just a poster, but it makes me happy! Not a lot of things make me happy.

Look at me, I’m starting a little late
But I won’t give up, never give up
Don’t worry, keep running, early
What a person says is what they are going to be

I am a little late, but better late than never, right!? 4 years ago, I was in the hospital bummed out that I wasn’t dead, and now I’m genuinely happy that I’m alive!!! I never thought that would be a thing! When I’m sad, I’ll watch a K-pop compilation of Oneus being funny, or one of JBJ95’s silly dance practices, or play with my dog (She has a squeaky toy obsession), and I just can’t not smile! It reminds me of that quote by Dumbledore in Harry Potter, “Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.”

Follow the feeling
There are many opportunities to come
Aren’t you looking forward to your life

If you had asked me a year ago if I was looking forward to my life, I would have laughed in your face……… Excessively…………. Even now, it feels weird to think I am actually looking forward to life. Part of my brain is still like, “What the heck is wrong with you,” and the other part is like, “who cares, just roll with it.” So, I’m rolling with it, and it’s kind of nice, actually. If you haven’t tried looking forward to life yet, I highly recommend it. It could go down the titanic, but you know, while it’s going down like the titanic, I will be enjoying horseback riding lessons, K-pop, and cuddles with my dog. As well as the Tomoon 2nd gen membership welcome kit (It’s not as exclusive as it sounds, haha) that I ordered 2 months ago and will get here before the end of the year, as well as the season’s greetings around the holidays!!!!!! I got Hyuk’s this past year from Vixx. It was really hard to be having a bad day when I opened that box. I don’t think I have ever been so excited about a Christmas present before. This year I’m going to get Oneus’.

Look high at the sky
The future is dazzling so bright
It’s waiting for you, baby

There is so much to look forward to! I didn’t fully understand how much I enjoyed life until I escaped the giant cloud of stress and expectations I was stuck in. Everything is just a lot nicer now. It’s not better. Nothing has changed; I’m just enjoying life more now. Instead of focusing on what I should be doing better, I’m focusing on each day, and it’s very nice (One of my fav songs by seventeen).

[Insert Pre-Chorus and Chorus]
Pain, Loneliness, and sadness
Just for a moment
You were the only one who saved me
when I felt like I was tied up with a chain

I still have some days that are a bit of a bummer, but I don’t let them ruin my life anymore. I wanna be happy. I’m tired of being bummed out all the time, and there really is a lot to enjoy in life when you know where to look for it. Today it was the Oneus album my friend got me for my birthday. Now I’m looking forward to expanding my collections for Oneus and JBJ95. I don’t know why it makes me happy, but it does, and the why isn’t nearly as important as the what.

We can fly high, yeah
The night sky has already changed so much
So just enjoy it now

That’s the best advice I can give about life. Just enjoy it!! It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks; if you are safe and happy, nothing else matters. The most important question I’ve learned to ask myself is “what do I want?” not what should I want, not what does everyone else want me to want, but what do I, myself, want. We are the ones who have to live our lives, and so our opinion is the only one that truly matters. Even if I’m getting a late start, I’m looking forward to enjoying my life as it is right now.

At this moment, now
Oh can you feel it right now
Oh can you feel it right now
Oh I can feel it right now

Sincerely,
LIBD

Better than you think

Posted on by LIBD

Picture Credit: Charlie Mackesy

Hey y’all. What a week, am I right? Do you like the picture? Me too! It inspired this post, but you’ll have to read to find out more. Also, I forgot I only posted it on the Facebook page, but what I did this week was a bit different. Every day I picked a song that I felt best summed up that day and wrote down a quick summary of each day that I would compile into one post on Saturday (today).

I will link the songs in the post if you want to listen. You can use English subtitles in the videos for Korean songs. I didn’t know how it would turn out, and this week, I crashed and burned so hard it’s laughable, and I can laugh about it now. It was a trip and a half and…. well, I’ll let you read it for yourself….

Monday: This has been an awful day. I’ve been watching RuPaul’s drag race while playing euchre to pass the time because I can’t focus on anything. Also, everything makes me angry. Anytime anyone says anything to me, I instantly feel personally attacked. Plus, I’m so tired. Tired of being stressed and overwhelmed constantly. Even the grumpy tuna lady (she’s one of the regulars at work, and she’s really not grumpy, but by the time I found that out, the name had already stuck) told me I looked burnt out. My family and friends didn’t notice, but grumpy tuna lady did.

Honestly though, how do I tell people that my life is a mess and I’m dying inside? How do you start that conversation? I hate Mondays, I hate my job, and I hate being an adult…. I’m basically just the news. I’m full of hate, I don’t have anything nice to say, and the entire world would be better off avoiding me. At least for today. Ugh, I need a vacation. Today’s song was She’s in the Rain by The Rose.

Tuesday: Today started out fantastic! I ordered a JBJ95 light stick I had wanted since it first came out. I was so excited, and I went to tell my mom, and you know what she said? “Cool.” Not “Cool!!!!” not even, “That’s awesome!” just “cool” with a bored look on her face, and my day just went down the drain from there. Life sucks. Today’s song is Can’t You See Me by Tomorrow X Together because that song really says it all.

If you really want to know how I feel, ask me to tell you in songs. I can explain my feelings in songs all day long, words not so much. In church last Sunday, we talked about how it’s important to have someone in your corner to back you up or be that person for someone else. I can tell you right now that my corner just has cobwebs all over it. I’m not even in my corner half of the time, and I feel like no one understands! I just want someone in my corner. Anyone really, at this point. I can’t afford to be picky anymore. I’m so tired.

Wednesday: I had a lot of fun at the barn. Me and Sunny were great, and I had so much fun with my friends…… Now I’m home, my life sucks, and everything is awful. Don’t judge me for saying that. I’ve gone over 2 months without saying it (that’s a new record), but I can’t take it anymore. I’m sick and tired of being optimistic about life! It sucks!! Or at least it does right now, and no one cares!!!!!!!!

Today I picked the song Drive by Incubus. So, I guess “whatever tomorrow brings, I’ll be there,” but right now, I think I’m having a panic attack, so I’m going to sleep. Also, today I was told that my problems aren’t that bad and that I need to get a REAL job. Like I said, no one understands, and no one cares enough to want to understand.

Thursday: I hate everything. No matter how many naps I take, I’m still tired. No matter how early I go to bed, I’m still tired. The only people who care are the ones who can’t help me, and the few who can help me are the ones who don’t care because it’s not their life, so it’s not really important to them. I just want to get my life together and be semi-independent. Isn’t that what they want too? Why is life so hard? today’s song was Brave by Riley Pearce because I too, am trying to be brave. It’s just not working, like, at all. Well, I guess I’ll go cry myself to sleep now. Whatever.

Friday: Today has been interesting, work was okay, and when I took the dogs out, I saw a package on the porch that was addressed to me. It turns out my dad randomly sent me some books. This one caught my attention because it was not written like most books. There were so many pictures, so I decided to read it.

It didn’t take long to finish, and I cried my way through it because everything was just what I needed to hear. It’s called “The Boy, The Mole, The Fox, and The Horse” by Charlie Mackesy. The photo at the top is actually from the book, which I highly recommend. It kind of felt like a kids’ story, but it was full of great life advice.

I wasn’t a fan of the ending though. The book ends with them realizing that no matter what happens or how scary life is, it’s okay because they have each other and are not alone. That part kind of bummed me out because honestly, for as long as I can remember, I’ve felt like I’m all alone in life. For as long as I can remember, whenever family or friends told me they loved me, I never really bought it. What I heard is: I don’t hate you. This is actually how I tell people I love them.

If you haven’t guessed by now, I’m really not that great with… I think it’s called interpersonal relationships. I’ve learned recently that, in fact, many people do care about me, which would be awesome, except for some reason, I don’t feel any different. I still feel like it’s me against the world all by myself, which makes me very sad.

Maybe part of it is I can’t drive. Historically friends who can drive don’t really want to hang out a lot with friends who can’t drive. I do have 1 friend who is an exception. She is an excellent friend, but I still feel jealous of the boy, the mole, the fox, and the horse.

They are friends, but they are also like family. Family has always been hard for me because ever since I was little, I decided if I convinced myself that no one loved me, then no one could hurt me. It worked well (unfortunately), but now that I have to trust and rely on people, it’s hard to ask people for help when you feel like they don’t give a shit about you. People say they love me, but it doesn’t really mean anything to me. Especially when their actions often say otherwise.

Many times, people will say they want to hang out or go get coffee, which makes me feel good, but it usually doesn’t mean anything. We don’t actually end up hanging out together, but it was still nice to say, I guess. I’ve finally reached a point in my life when I have to ask for help, but I can’t because I don’t have anyone in my corner to help me.

I’ve also never needed anyone in my corner before. I’ve always been just fine with me, myself, and I. Now that I need help from actual humans, I turn around, and there is no one there. I don’t know how to magically start believing that people really care about me or love me. I don’t know what to do.

I want to have friends like the mole, the fox, and the horse, but I’m just not that close to anyone, and no one has ever cared as much about me as I did them. You might think I’m rude or out of line, but I’m not. Except for a few people outside my family, if I didn’t reach out to them, I’d never see or hear from them again. Even the few that do care, some live so far away that we can’t be as good of friends as we used to.

The other /one is great, but I’m still convinced at some point that she will leave and move on with her life without me, just like all the others. That’s why no matter how much I need to; I don’t want to trust anyone else. I know it’s not my fault we drifted apart, but I’m not good at making new friends, so when I lose friends, I just feel lonelier and lonelier. That said, there are many great quotes from this book to help me get through life, including the idea of focusing on how far I’ve come.

Maybe one day I’ll love and be loved like the boy, the mole, the fox, and the horse, but until then, I think I’ll be okay. If I’m not, I’ll just keep reading that book over and over again. Today’s song was On by BTS, and if you look up the lyrics, you will know exactly why I picked it. It is my fight song. Whenever life gets hard, I can listen to that song, or I can take the mole’s advice and just eat cake. I will share one more quote from the book before we go.

“What else do you think?”
“I think” said the horse “you are doing better than you think”

The Boy, The Mole, The Fox, and The Horse

And that’s what I will try to hold onto until I move past this. Besides, in the words of RuPaul, “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else. Can I get an Amen?!” Thank you, guys, so much for reading. I would like to dedicate this blog to all my friends and family who have supported me, prayed for me, and sent me positive vibes these past few days.

Even though I’ve still got problems, it meant a lot that you guys took time out of your day to let me know you were thinking about me. I would also like to thank my dad for sending me that extraordinary book. Also, to my brother for bringing me Starbucks while I was having an awful day at work.

It totally made my day, and I think…. I’ve never felt this before. Perhaps this is what feeling loved feels like??? I like it! Also, shout out to my friends, I’m sure I’m not the easiest person to be friends with, and the fact that you haven’t run away screaming says marvelous things about you.

It’s okay to not be okay, and this week I really wasn’t, but I think I’ve laid on the ground in defeat for long enough. I think I’m ready to be okay again, so wish me luck, and I wish you guys the best of luck too. Until next time…

Sincerely,
LIBD

2022 Update: I’ve found my boy, fox, and horse. My cake obsession definitely qualifies me for mole status. I hope everybody can experience that level of friendship. The fox lives in Mexico, and we’ve only met face to face a few times on video chat, but she is still one of my closest friends. The boy is busy a lot, but she tries to make time for me when she can. The horse…. She’s basically the horse in the book. She always knows what to say. They know when to give me a hug and when to metaphorically slap me in the face. Which is a very important quality for friends to have.

K Quotes: See You Tomorrow

Posted on by LIBD

Hey y’all, how is it going? I was doing okay, but 오눌은 미쳤어; It’s been a crazy day. 정말; For realz, I was okay this morning, but work was so busy. I just got home an hour ago, and I am straight-up not having a good time right now. I’m so over everything, but tomorrow is my day off 만세; Thank God for that. I think I’ll have to take my own advice and try again tomorrow, and what a fabulous segway because that just so happens to be what this is all about. 가자!

If you want to die you can- but do it tomorrow.
If you still want to kill yourself tomorrow, then do it the day after.
If you still feel the same on the next day, it’s still not too late to die on that day, or the day after that.
If you live your life surviving each day like that, eventually a good day will come.
Then one day you will say to yourself, “It’s good that I didn’t kill myself that day”

~Oh Ri Jin (Kill me, Heal me)

I saw Kill Me, Heal Me so long ago, and I do not know how I forgot about this one. I didn’t want to re-watch all of Children of Nobody just to find 1 quote (There are 30 episodes… at least). So, I decided to google good k drama quotes, and this one showed up in the images, and I was like, “OMG, I remember this! how did I forget this?”. The only thing I can figure is that I’m pretty sure I was too busy crying during this scene to be taking notes or anything.

I watched it not too long after I got out of the hospital, and I think it was during one of my bad days. That would explain the crying my eyes out, and honestly, I’m so glad I saw this because I think it’s something everyone needs to hear. I know I did.

One thing I’ve learned on my road to recovery is that even though I felt like I was all alone, I was not the only person who felt like that. It blew my mind to realize how many others were feeling the same things I was. I knew there was tomorrow, but I never quite realized how many tomorrows there would be. And let me tell you, there were a bunch of tomorrows before I started feeling even a little bit better. Also, like I said in last week’s intro, killing yourself isn’t the only option. It’s just the only permanent one.

I also learned a lot about feelings (I couldn’t help it; they made me!). I learned that feelings are just feelings. If I feel like life is hopeless, that doesn’t mean that life is genuinely hopeless; that’s just how I feel. Even though feelings like anxiety and depression always felt really icky, I learned that they couldn’t hurt me regardless of how uncomfortable they were. They are just feelings, and it was hard work learning how to accept my feelings without giving them power over my life. Those first few months of tomorrow’s were brutal, but I made it.

Hearing that it will get better eventually isn’t really the most comforting. It reminds me of my least favorite ‘F’ word… Future. Eventually is such an intimidating word too.

It’s like that scene in iCarly where Spencer asks the maintenance guy how long it will take to fix the elevator. The guy’s just like, “3…. 4,” and Spencer’s like, “3 or 4 what? Days? Weeks? Months?” and the guy just stares at him and replies, “maybe 5”. That’s how eventually feels to me, and I think that’s why I like tomorrow better. It’s a simple 24 hours instead of “3… 4……. maybe 5”.

It’s a lot like ‘The Lost Tomb’ Chinese tv series. Eventually, I’m sure it will make sense…. That’s why I hated the show and bought the books. Because of ‘eventually.’ With the book, I know how long it is, and I can go one chapter at a time. That’s probably why I find it easier to deal with 24 hours at a time, especially when I feel depressed.

I really couldn’t deal with more than 24 hours at a time. My life was a lot like the lost tomb 2, I didn’t know what was going on, but it was very confusing. At one point, I was genuinely concerned that it would never end, and they would just be stuck on that stupid bronze tree for the rest of eternity until they died!!!!!!


Spoiler alert: that didn’t happen in the show or my life. For the most part, it’s all good on both accounts. I watched the sand sea and am confident that all of my questions will be answered by the end of the lost tomb 3. Sometimes you just gotta take it one page/episode/tomorrow at a time. Sometimes you need to ask for help, and whether it’s from a person, book, or a spinoff series, it’s okay to ask for help.

So how exactly did I make it through all those tomorrows though? 24 hours is a long time, especially when I felt that depressed. I didn’t sleep that much during the day anymore because the doctor told me it was causing my insomnia. I had heard that before; I just ignored it, but I also cared more once I started trying to get better. That said, if you really feel that bad, then…… and you can quote me on this, “sleep schedules are for losers. Take a nap and try again when you wake up.”

No offense to anyone with a sleep schedule. I have one now, and I’m not taking it personally for the sake of this blog, and I hope you, dear reader, cannot take it personally with me if you also have a sleep schedule. Besides, let’s be real here, sleep schedules are the worst. Ever since I got one, I wake up at 8 no matter what! I once stayed up till 2 in the morning just to prove a point thinking I would sleep till noon…. I actually woke up before 8am that day; WTF!!!

I also watched a lot of comedians and funny movies. It took a while before they actually made me genuinely laugh, but even when I couldn’t bring myself to laugh at anything, sometimes they made me crack a smile. Also, k pop helped a lot. Whether it was the upbeat songs or watching them annoy each other, it made me forget about my life for a little bit and gave me a reason to smile.

Also, someone commented on NCT Dreams’ ‘We Young’ music video saying, “Their hair is brighter than my future” they made my day! I think I laughed for like 2 minutes, and it may have morbid laughter, but it still made my day, week, and possibly my whole life. Although, since then, my future has gotten brighter than I thought it would, it still can’t compete with NCT Dreams’ blinding hair color choices for that video.

While we are on the topic of music, one more quick tip; Try to cut back on the emo- punk rock. Don’t hunt me down for saying that, please I totally understand. It was an icon of my teenage years, and I still love it. However, when you’re trying to feel better mentally, ‘I’m just a kid’ by Simple Plan or ‘last resort’ by Papa Roach is the LAST thing you should be listening to!!

I know it’s just music, and I love punk rock and alternative. Still, it did make a difference when I was careful about the kind of music that I was listening to. It was rough at the time, but now I can listen to ‘bleed it out by Linkin Park all day long……. I don’t, because I regret the day I paid attention to the lyrics, but……. I could if I wanted to.

I still try to watch what I listen to. There are some songs I don’t listen to anymore just because they can affect your mood, especially if I’m already having a not-so-great week. I recommend K-pop for that, specifically Blackpink, Sf9, or Oneus, but there are a lot of groups to choose from.

I mostly say that just because 90% of American pop songs generally sound the same, whether it’s the melody or the lyrics, I just feel like I’ve heard it before. You can totally hate on me for saying that…. I probably won’t care, but I’d understand. I’m not the nicest person when someone says all K-pop songs sound the same, so you have my permission to be offended.

Thank you for reading; I hope it was okay. I always get nervous posting stuff like this because I don’t want to be too dark. At the same time, I also don’t want to downplay anything, so please leave a like if you enjoy it, so I know it was at least half-decent. It’s always super nerve-wracking posting even after I’ve had someone else read through it for me.

Anyway, I know this wasn’t as in-depth as some of my other k-quotes, but I’m definitely not done with the subject. I wanted to have something semi-lighthearted in between so this series doesn’t turn out to be a total downer, but I’m saving the rest for Thursday’s post, so I hope to see you all then. But more importantly I hope to see you tomorrow.

Sincerely,
LIBD

If you are struggling, resources are available. Whether you are in crisis or just need someone to listen. Call or text 988 in the U.S. to speak with someone. Asking for help is not weakness. It’s the bravest thing a person can do. The offer assistance in both English and Spanish. If you live outside of the U.S. you can also look online for local support and resources or reach out to a trusted friend or family member.