Hey guys! So, there’s this song that’s been living rent-free in my head the past few days. It’s called There’s Beautiful Coming by Jamie Grey It’s hard right now. I have a lot to be thankful for, but there’s a lot that could be better, and it’s hard because in the moment, it feels so dark and hopeless. There’s a part in the song Touchy Feely Fool by AJR that says, “Someday won’t this be funny? Well, I want it funny now. Man, I want to laugh so loud. Someday won’t this be long ago? I want to feel that now.” And I think that’s why I keep coming back to this song.
I hate to make this about AJR, but in their song The Good Part, it says, “If there’s a good part then I hope it’s not far cause’ I thought it’d be today”. I’ve also been working hard on my blog SEO, Etsy shop, and Facebook page. I’m making progress, but I’m still not where I want to be… Which brings me back to today’s song.
Another storm outside your house The road is long to find north from south But I'll be there to hold you close whenever life takes a toll
It’s just so discouraging, you know? When you are giving everything you’ve got, and it never seems to be enough. I just want to know if I’m heading in the right direction or wasting my time. I’ve wasted so much time already that I can’t afford to waste any more.
You can cry on me, girl If you feel unheard Talk to me, say everything I'll try to be your medicine Just cry on me, girl I'll show you
Sometimes I just wanna cry because it’s easier to say I’m fine than to give the rundown on every single thing that’s going wrong in my life. Who has the time for that? I don’t. So I pray, and vent to Chat GPT and talk to Kota. It doesn’t fix the problem, though. It’s like this time I got a little overconfident with an avocado and accidentally cut my thumb.
I just kept putting a Band-Aid on it, and it took forever to heal and healed a little weirdly. I asked a friend who was EMS trained why it was healing weird, and he said, “Because that’s what happens when you stick a knife in your thumb and don’t get stitches”. I was like, “I didn’t do it on purpose!”, but I feel like I’m just putting a Band-Aid on a problem that probably needs stitches. My thumb eventually healed, so maybe this too will pass.
The sun will come out and dry every tear If you keep on fighting for something There's beautiful coming 'Cause life behind the clouds Is brighter than the darkness you're feeling There's beautiful coming
That’s the line that originally drew me in. “If you keep on fighting for something, there’s beautiful coming.” I know deep down it will pass. I know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, and I’m going to get there. Sometimes though, facts and feelings don’t line up. My brain says there’s beautiful coming, but my feelings say, “What if it doesn’t get better?”. It’s so easy to say it gets better, but it’s harder to believe it and feel it.
It isn't fair, hmm, the pain that you feel I will take your despair to see your soul heal I'll be there to hold you close whenever life takes a toll You can cry on me, girl
I have this fear that my life is going to be constant striving and no payoff. One time, I was talking about my blog, and I said that a smarter person probably would have given up by now. Someone thought I was talking about my life, and I remember thinking, “Well, that could apply to my life too, but that’s a conversation for my psychiatrist”. Luckily for my readers and my psychiatrist, I’m incredibly stubborn and don’t know when to quit. Also, I would hate to miss my next great day because I was a quitter.
If you feel unheard Just talk to me, say everything I'll try to be your medicine Just cry on me, girl I'll show you The sun will come out and dry every tear If you keep on fighting for something There's beautiful coming
It’s that time of year when Seasonal Affective Disorder kicks in, so I felt like now would be a good time to share this song with you guys. It’s okay to be discouraged. It’s okay to cry and be frustrated. It’s okay to want more out of your life, but where we are right now is not our forever. As long as you are here and moving forward, there is always hope. Every tomorrow is an opportunity for better days.
I’m hoping to get my LIBD Exclusives added to my shop soon. One of my collections is my ‘There’s Always Tomorrow’ necklaces. My LIBD Exclusives are made in limited quantities and come with a handwritten note from me about the inspiration behind the design. Please look forward to those. I will post on Facebook when they are added, but for now, let’s get back to today’s post.
'Cause life behind the clouds Is brighter than the darkness you're feeling There's beautiful coming Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh There's beautiful coming The sun will come out and dry every tear If you keep on fighting for something There's beautiful coming
So let’s keep fighting. For ourselves, for our goals, and for a better tomorrow. Bad things happen quickly, but the best things in life take time. I know I’ll be alright, and I promise you will too.
'Cause life behind the clouds Is brighter than the darkness you're feeling There's beautiful coming for you There's beautiful coming
There IS beautiful coming, and I’m going to keep fighting for it. Thank you so much for reading. As always, I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments. Also, I was thinking about doing a post to introduce my succulents. Is that something you guys would be interested in? Since I can’t afford horseback riding anymore, they’ve become my new side hobby when I’m not working either of my two jobs or working on my blog or jewelry. If there’s anything you guys would like me to write about, let me know.
I’ll see you for the next one and make sure you are following me on Facebook, so you’ll know when my LIBD Exclusives get released. I’m so grateful for each and every one of my readers, and I hope you are doing well. If not, I hope this post provided even a tiny glimmer of hope and positivity. I’m always cheering for you!
First of all, Happy New Year!!!!!! Secondly… Did anyone appreciate their childhood as much as they should of? I didn’t. I just wanted to grow up as fast as possible, so I could become a famous singer or inspirational speaker. In the last post, there was that quote about a star pocket, and I think a lot of my best memories were not necessarily my childhood but when I was younger, at least, lol
Staying up late at night Imagining all kinds of settings
I used to imagine I was in Eragon, The Chronicles of Narnia, or the Lord of the Rings, fighting fantastic battles and defeating evil. I’ve always been an introvert. When I was younger, I didn’t have many friends. So, I would imagine myself in my favorite books or movies with my favorite characters going on epic quests across magical lands. Those were the good days. Which is pretty pathetic since it wasn’t real, but that should tell you how exciting my life was.
Dreaming 'bout my life Everything seemed so possible then
I would watch America’s got talent, and I was sure one day it would be me. I’d sing, shock the entire world with my talent, and become a famous singer. Or an actor. Either would have been fine, haha.
Now I don't even dream Sick of feeling low again, mhm
After a while, the disappointment weighed me down to the point where I was just like, “That’s it. I’m never going to amount to anything.” That was why I tried so hard to achieve happiness. I figured if I couldn’t reach my actual goals and dreams, then surely happiness was a reasonable goal.
Saying that I'm the one Thinking the world revolved around me
I thought I was special. Like I was destined for fame and fortune and could change the world. I still forget sometimes that the world doesn’t revolve around me.
Hoping for someone To come and save me from this story
No one is coming to save me though. This isn’t how my life was supposed to go. I don’t know what I was expecting but definitely not this.
Now I don't even lean Sick of waiting on my dreams
My dreams are more like just a nice thought now. A fun side story to distract me from all…. everything. I waited long enough for my dreams, but at the same time, what have I got to lose? If my life sucks, I should at least be able to dream that one day it won’t, even if that day never comes.
Don't forget when you were a child Even when time passes Let it stay in your mind
My brother once convinced me to eat grass when I was really little. I remember fishing with my grandpa, sparklers, and fireworks on the fourth of July. The sweet feeling that came with summer vacation and those months with no school to worry about. No bills and no job, and I still wasn’t happy. Funny how our perspective changes over time.
Don't live your life like you have a thousand years Ready for you to waste your time on regrets Don't you ever You will never
Even if I can’t follow my dreams, I shouldn’t continue to live in regret like I am now. I don’t have 1000 years. I’ll be lucky if I get 85 more. I’ve wasted enough time, but how do I change it?
Don't forget The dreams you had on your mind Don't question yourself anymore Even if the world pollutes you Don't let yourself be robbed Of the pure innocence of childhood
Why do I keep talking about dreams? The theme is youth and Time. As a child, I wasn’t waiting for life to be worth living, I just lived, and it was…. Not horrible. It’s no wonder I’m so miserable when all my focus is on what I think needs to happen instead of just living and making the most of each day.
Don't forget when you were a child Even when time passes Let it stay in your mind Don't live your life like you have a thousand years Ready for you to waste your time on regrets Don't you ever You will never, no
No wonder I feel like I’m running out of time. I’m not living; I’m just waiting for a reason to start living, and I don’t need one. I need to live and focus on being present in each moment to make the most of it and not let time slip past me. I will run out of time if I wait for my life to be complete. Like Oneus says in their song incomplete, “It’s okay even if it’s not perfect.”
Should've never given up Should've never said "I can't" Judging me for who I am Should've never listened, no Should've followed my own dreams It's better late than never, yeah, yeah
It’s not too late though; I’ve still got plenty of time. I have to remember that having dreams is never about success vs. failure. It’s about hope. Hope that one day it will be okay. I shouldn’t give up because I have possibilities. I shouldn’t let my current life situation beat me down. Just because it’s a bad day doesn’t mean it’s a bad life. I may not be where I want to be, but I’m here and going to make the most of it.
Don't (Don't) forget when you were a child (Forget when you're a child) Even when time passes Let it stay in your mind Don't live your life like you have a thousand years Ready for you to waste your time on regrets Don't you ever You will never, no
I think that’s why I didn’t worry about whether or not I would amount to anything when I was younger. I had my whole life ahead of me and was busy making the best of my current situation. The only thing that changed was that I gave myself a time limit and expectation, and since I didn’t meet that, I felt like it was meaningless. As I write this, I’m living my dream right now because I’m doing what I love and enjoying it. This chapter of my life may not have been what I was hoping for, but there are many more chapters to come. It’s not what I imagined my life would be at 27, but for a 27th year I’ve never lived before, it wasn’t that bad.
Hey everyone! It’s been a while hasn’t it? I’ll talk about that at the end, but for now let’s get right into it.
You can go
You can start all over again
You can try to find a way to make another day go by
Dude, I feel like that’s been my whole life the past 10 months. Just trying to find ways to make the day go by. Mostly by eating which is how I gained like 13 lbs which isn’t boosting my self-esteem at all. Perhaps I should just start all over. Clean room, clean face, clean self, better diet, and just start over. I don’t know what my life is right now, but it’s not looking salvageable that’s for sure.
You can hide
Hold all your feelings inside
You can try to carry on when all you wanna do is cry
I’m relating to this song so much. One night I just cried and cried even when I really didn’t know why I was crying anymore. Perhaps that was why; Perhaps I was tired of carrying on. Tired of holding all my feelings inside because I can’t express them to the people who need to hear them because it will just start a fight and I have more important to fight with people who can’t be bothered to care about what I have to say. It’s exhausting though you know? Hiding everything all the time. Do you guys ever feel like that?
Chorus:
And maybe someday we'll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to make things better now and
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow, someday
Dude, that sounds AMAZING figuring it out, putting ends to doubt, AND being better off somehow?!?! Sign me up and count me in!!! In all seriousness though I think SOMEDAY we will. Okay, that’s a lie I KNOW we will. I was there once, but then I got lost again. I think when people talk about having something figured out it implies a solution or success. If I remember correctly, the key to putting an end to my doubt and being better off was figuring out that life isn’t about figuring it out. It wasn’t till I stopped trying so hard to figure life out and just lived that I finally found happiness. I think…
Now we wait
And try to find another mistake
If you throw it all away, then maybe you can change your mind
I think I often get so caught up in doing life the ‘right way’ when the best moments are ones that weren’t micro planned in advance. I was looking back at old pictures of me with horses and I looked so happy. Which is crazy, because at the time I know I wasn’t trying to create a photographic moment that I would look back on many years later with a fond smile. I was just living, and I looked so happy doing it! Perhaps my issue is that I’m focusing on things I think I’m doing wrong in life when there is no right way. The last time I was really happy I was walking home from work, and it was Sunny, and I was listening to Life is Beautiful by Oneus. The time before that was the concert. Oh yeah. I saw Oneus it was great until I had a panic attack but despite that, it was one of the best moments of my life. I think that’s it. Like I heard Woosung from The Rose say a while back; If he could tell his younger self anything it would be to stop taking life so seriously. It’s just life, and it’s all we’ve got so maybe I should stop trying to make it perfect and just experience it.
You can run
And when everything is over and done
You can shine a little light on everything around you
Man, it's good to be someone
I wouldn’t know anything about that. At the same time though, I think I’m ready to be okay again. I’ve still got a ways to go, but I think I’m ready now. For the last 3 months, I’ve wanted so bad to just be happy, but I don’t think I’ve been ready to embrace happiness once I found it. I’ve been stressing so much about how to fix my life, but it was never broken it was me that was broken. I apologize for this paragraph by the way. Grammarly says it’s a bit “bland”. However, now that I added that little note, suddenly it finds it at least slightly engaging.
[Insert Chorus]I don't wanna wait
I just wanna know
I just wanna hear you tell me so
Give it to me straight
Tell it to me slow
It’s just as hard getting better as it is getting worse. Once I start feeling better and feeling good, I also feel stupid and weak. Like it’s so easy to say this stuff and feel like maybe it will be okay so why the hell did it take me this long. I did get my meds adjusted just over a week ago so that probably has something to do with it. I am feeling a bit better, but I feel like this time it could be real. This time I think I can find my way out of the darkness in time.
'Cause maybe someday we'll figure all this out
We'll put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to just to feel better now and
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow, someday
Someday soon, I hope.
'Cause sometimes we don't really notice
Just how good it can get
So maybe we should start all over
Start all over, again
[x2]
I think that’s what I’ll do. I’ll start over stop trying to find the right answers and stop trying to make the right choices to avoid regrets. They are a part of life, and I would rather be happy with a few regrets than miserable and safe. It’s kind of annoying that I’ve been depressed for almost a year and suddenly solved all my problems in one post. Well, my counselor did say I sounded better at my last appt. I know what to work on and I’ve got a clean room almost. Tomorrow I’ll shower and maybe wash my face for the first time in 6 months if I’m feeling really crazy. I missed you guys. You’re such good listeners. If I was paying y’all you would totally get a raise, but I’m dirt poor and cheap so even if I had the money, I wouldn’t spend it trying to bribe people to read this nonsense. I’m kidding. I hope……… Anywho; Shoutout to my friends from church who came and helped me tackle the monster mess of my room. Shout out to my Tomoon friends who have suffered the misfortune of listening to me bitch, and whine, and complain about every single little stupid thing. For real you guys are angels. I would have kicked myself out of our group chat months ago. Shout out to Oneus for being amazing. When I can’t think of a reason to give a shit, I think of them and how disappointed they would be if they knew I had just laid down and quit. They always encourage us to take care of ourselves first, so thank you Oneus. Meeting them was amazing even though I don’t remember half of it and I had a panic attack right after, but I made it out of the building after it was all over so I’m counting it as a win. I basically held it together the entire time probably cause the entire time I was just in the moment and it wasn’t till it was over that I started overthinking everyone. I remember my exact words to my mother on the phone in the middle of the panic attack. Now read this in the voice of someone ugly crying and hyperventilating. “I didn’t even look at Ravn, and I don’t remember half of them, They probably think I’m so rude!!!!… I don’t even remember Ravn’s face!” I was very upset about Ravn for some reason I think because I love his red hair and I wanted to see it up close, but considering I’ve had not had any real social interaction like that in 4 years, I think it’s kind of amazing that I remember any of it. I remember Keonhee the most because I had been practicing for weeks before the concert 콘서트 진짜 좋아했서요which means the concert was really good. I said it perfectly to him and then my brain was like “Oh shit you’ve totally ignored Ravn Leedo and Seoho” I definitely high-fived them because I remember my hand touching other hands, but that was it. I did remember to say thank you to Hwanwoong and Xion, but by that point, I had already ruined it. Keonhee’s smile up close though and the way he nods his head as he smiles… Idk if he actually heard what I said but that smile and nod alone were well worth the money I spent. Whenever I’ve had a long day, I’ll close my eyes and remember Keonhee’s smiling face and smile like an idiot like I am right now typing this. He’s adorable. They all are, and they were FANTASTIC live. I can’t wait till they come back, so I can see them, but for now, I must prepare for their comeback with all the other hardworking Tomoons so I wanted to post something before I vanish again. Wow, this is long, but it had been a long time so it’s okay right? Is it too long? Y’all are so quiet I never know. At least promise to tell me if it sucks, okay? Promise?
Finally, a #MusicMonday for a Oneus song!!!!!!! I’m very excited, in case you couldn’t tell by the 7-8 exclamation marks. Welcome to the 3rd and final part of the Living as Me series! After this, all that’s left is the outro, and then it’s all over. Sad face. After realizing that I don’t need to worry about everyone else’s opinion, this song has a whole new meaning for me, and I wanted to share it with you all, so let’s get to it! Also, I don’t know where this translation comes from, but I always just look for the ones that make the most sense.
Hey, you’ve got something special Babe, just be real, not fake Take care and love yourself We are all the same
We are all special and unique. I am my own person, and that person also just so happens to be pretty awesome. I like who I am. I’m genuine, honest, and have a fabulous sense of style. Sometimes it gets me in trouble, though. I recently got punched when I told my friend that the shirt she was trying on looked a lot like this shirt my grandma wears. It wasn’t awful, but my grandma does have a shirt that looked a lot like it!! She told me she wanted my honest opinion; she should have known better than to ask my honest opinion about clothes. I’ve also been losing weight again (slowly but surely), and I think I look pretty amazing. We are all amazing. Each of us has our own charming point. We all have that me-ness about us that makes us who we are. No one else can be you. I can’t imagine someone else trying to be me; they would be awful at it. Just like no one else can be you as good as you can.
Feel the moment Forget about the things That are far away, alright Look at the night sky Countless stars and moonlight Shining on us
Today I’m not going to think about yesterday or worry about tomorrow. I’ve got all day tomorrow to worry about tomorrow. Right now, I’m enjoying the song Camellia by Jukjae and Hyuk. It’s calming and relaxing, and I’m enjoying every second of their beautiful voices while I write this. What I miss most about my college is how well you could see the stars. Whenever I was stressed, I looked at the stars to find the only 3 constellations I knew: Cassiopeia, Orion’s belt, and the big or little dipper. For some reason, I could never find them both. They were always there. Even now that I’m back home and can’t see them as well, I know they are up there shining as brightly as ever. I like to think about stars; it probably has something to do with my obsession with shiny things or things that light up. Now I know why I love light sticks so much, and Oneus’s has glitter on the outside of theirs that looks like stars.
Right now, don’t worry
Everything else will pass, let it go
We are young now
We got right now
Yeah, let’s get loud
I’m not going to be young and pretty forever (I can hear my friends laughing as they read this comment, stop it, you know I’m as shallow as a kiddie pool!). I have to make sure I enjoy every single minute. I’m a bit behind, so I’ve got a lot to make up for. I wasted so much time thinking I could finally be happy as soon as I got my life together. Honestly though, having your life together is overrated. Also, I don’t want to wait that long. I’m just going to enjoy today, like this morning when I got to listen to what I like to call Ravn Radio (It was a v-live) while I got ready for work. He played many good songs, including What Makes You Beautiful by One Direction and I am the Best by 2NE1. It totally made my day!
At this moment (now)
It won’t come again (now)
Oh can you feel it right now
Oh can you feel it right now
Oh I can feel it right now
Every second, is a second I’m not going to get back, and I’m not going to have later. I want to enjoy life while I can still enjoy it, and I don’t need anyone else’s permission to be happy. I don’t know why I thought I did; sometimes, I’m a moron. It happens to the best of us. My grandpa has muscular dystrophy, too, and while the kind he has is worse than mine, he’s been in a wheelchair for most of my memory. I used to be so terrified that I would end up like that too and won’t be able to ride horses or do other fun stuff I like to do anymore. However, if I stay active and keep up with the exercises my physical therapist gave me, that day will be a long way away.
Right now, I can ride horses and run around the yard playing with my dog, and I’m going to enjoy every second of it. I’m going to enjoy everything I can do rather than be bitter about everything I can’t do. I promise from this moment forward to never say that muscular dystrophy is ruining my life ever again………… out loud. I’ll keep it to myself because I’m not going to pretend that’s not the reason I quit show jumping. My doctors are all like, “it’s dangerous you could get hurt,” so maybe they were right. However, I was only on crutches for like a month, and I didn’t even actually break anything; I just bruised a muscle (yeah, that’s actually a thing). So, all my friends moved up a level, and I didn’t want to be in a class with strangers, so I went back to barrel racing and contesting. That was a totally unnecessary story. Sorry, I killed the vibe, didn’t I?
Already a lot of customs, many similar things
It’s an overwhelming game
Oh when I was come here that (See note 1 in next paragraph)
Ah peace
The future is boom boom, mori (See note 2 in next paragraph)
Note 1: My only guess is possibly he used English words with Korean sentence structure, in which case it could be ‘that’s how it was when I came here (I could be wrong, though. I didn’t write the song; I’m just trying to help my readers out) Note 2: Mori is a reference to the phrase memento mori, which in Latin roughly translates to “remember death is inevitable.” (I know, right?!) I always used to joke, saying if the world ended tomorrow, I would be bummed if I didn’t eat cake today, but somehow the message got lost over time. If the world had ended a month ago, I would’ve been pissed that I didn’t actually enjoy my life. I don’t want to worry about that anymore. If the world ends tomorrow, that’s fine because I already bought 2 more Oneus albums for my collection. All my friends do it with their favorite groups. You got to have 1 of every version of every album if you want to be a true collector (or so I was told). I’m never going to worry about regretting that I didn’t buy it because I did. And that Snuper poster I was supposed to get a year or 2 ago, but they gave me a Wanna One poster…. Now I’ve finally got a Snuper poster, and I’m so happy. It’s just a poster, but it makes me happy! Not a lot of things make me happy.
Look at me, I’m starting a little late But I won’t give up, never give up Don’t worry, keep running, early What a person says is what they are going to be
I am a little late, but better late than never, right!? 4 years ago, I was in the hospital bummed out that I wasn’t dead, and now I’m genuinely happy that I’m alive!!! I never thought that would be a thing! When I’m sad, I’ll watch a K-pop compilation of Oneus being funny, or one of JBJ95’s silly dance practices, or play with my dog (She has a squeaky toy obsession), and I just can’t not smile! It reminds me of that quote by Dumbledore in Harry Potter, “Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.”
Follow the feeling There are many opportunities to come Aren’t you looking forward to your life
If you had asked me a year ago if I was looking forward to my life, I would have laughed in your face……… Excessively…………. Even now, it feels weird to think I am actually looking forward to life. Part of my brain is still like, “What the heck is wrong with you,” and the other part is like, “who cares, just roll with it.” So, I’m rolling with it, and it’s kind of nice, actually. If you haven’t tried looking forward to life yet, I highly recommend it. It could go down the titanic, but you know, while it’s going down like the titanic, I will be enjoying horseback riding lessons, K-pop, and cuddles with my dog. As well as the Tomoon 2nd gen membership welcome kit (It’s not as exclusive as it sounds, haha) that I ordered 2 months ago and will get here before the end of the year, as well as the season’s greetings around the holidays!!!!!! I got Hyuk’s this past year from Vixx. It was really hard to be having a bad day when I opened that box. I don’t think I have ever been so excited about a Christmas present before. This year I’m going to get Oneus’.
Look high at the sky The future is dazzling so bright It’s waiting for you, baby
There is so much to look forward to! I didn’t fully understand how much I enjoyed life until I escaped the giant cloud of stress and expectations I was stuck in. Everything is just a lot nicer now. It’s not better. Nothing has changed; I’m just enjoying life more now. Instead of focusing on what I should be doing better, I’m focusing on each day, and it’s very nice (One of my fav songs by seventeen).
[Insert Pre-Chorus and Chorus] Pain, Loneliness, and sadness Just for a moment You were the only one who saved me when I felt like I was tied up with a chain
I still have some days that are a bit of a bummer, but I don’t let them ruin my life anymore. I wanna be happy. I’m tired of being bummed out all the time, and there really is a lot to enjoy in life when you know where to look for it. Today it was the Oneus album my friend got me for my birthday. Now I’m looking forward to expanding my collections for Oneus and JBJ95. I don’t know why it makes me happy, but it does, and the why isn’t nearly as important as the what.
We can fly high, yeah The night sky has already changed so much So just enjoy it now
That’s the best advice I can give about life. Just enjoy it!! It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks; if you are safe and happy, nothing else matters. The most important question I’ve learned to ask myself is “what do I want?” not what should I want, not what does everyone else want me to want, but what do I, myself, want. We are the ones who have to live our lives, and so our opinion is the only one that truly matters. Even if I’m getting a late start, I’m looking forward to enjoying my life as it is right now.
At this moment, now Oh can you feel it right now Oh can you feel it right now Oh I can feel it right now
안녕!!!! How are y’all doing? Better than me, I hope lol. Just kidding, I’m doing okay. I got back from Florida a few days ago. Of course, I haven’t seen the Sun since we left South Carolina, so the seasonal affective disorder is making me incredibly sad. Hahaha, get it? SAD….. no, okay. Anyway, I thought this would be the perfect time to do a music Monday for one of my favorite songs. Speaking of favorite songs, you’ve got to check out Hala Hala by Ateez and watch the performance version. It is EPIC! Even though it’s epic though it literally makes no sense. I’ve looked up 10 different translations, and I’ve got nothing, so if any Atiny’s would like to enlighten me, please do. Anyway, back to the song at hand; 100 bad days by AJR. I love everything about this song so let’s dive right in.
Remember when we all got drunk?
I ended up with two broke thumbs
Oh my God, I felt so dumb, lucky me
I can’t relate. My brother might be able to, but I was a boring kid. I do remember plenty of I feel dumb moments. To this day, they still make me cringe when I think about them. I will share one of my not emotionally scarring moments though. I remember when I was getting on my horse, and she started walking away before I was all the way on because I wasn’t holding the reins like I had been told 700 times to do. So, there I am, one foot stuck in the stirrup other foot hopping along on the ground, trying to get my horse to stop while all my friends just watch and laugh. I never forgot to hold my reins when I got on after that.
I wrote a song that no one knows
I played a show and no one showed
Oh my God, I felt so alone, lucky me
My dog was there for my 1 girl’s living room karaoke performance. She didn’t seem all that impressed, though. Even now, when I’ve got 3 good friends, it’s still so easy to feel alone, especially with the days getting shorter and the weather getting drearier. Lucky me.
[Pre-chorus] When all is going wrong and you're scared as hell
What you gonna do? Who you gonna tell?
Maybe a hundred bad days made a hundred good stories
A hundred good stories make me interesting at parties
I still will never forget the first time I heard this song. My brother introduced me to it, and I was only half listening at first. I looked at my brother and said, “Did he just say 100 good stories make me interesting at parties?” My brother just nodded and told me to keep listening, but I remember thinking this was the weirdest song I had ever heard.
[Chorus] A hundred bad days made a hundred good stories
A hundred good stories make me interesting at parties
Yeah, no, I ain't scared of you
No, I ain't scared of you no more
When I really sit back and think though, it’s true. I always talk about how regretful I was about my time in college. I always thought of it as a failure on my part, but I’ve got so many great college stories! The more I talk about it, the more memories come up. It doesn’t mean it wasn’t terrible because I have many regrets, but it wasn’t a failure like I thought it was. There were some really great times too. In my first year, my roommate and I had a great system: She took out the trash in the room, and I vacuumed the room. In my second year, we had our own rooms, and shorty into that year, I was staring at the trash can in my room with resentment. I HATE taking out the trash, so one day, I went to her room and said, “If you come to take out the trash in my room, I’ll vacuum yours for you.” It didn’t happen often, but whenever I did not want to take out the trash, I would vacuum her room, and poof problem solved.
La-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da, da, da
La-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da, da, da
I had highlighted this whole part and had my hand hovering over the delete button, but then I thought, nah……. Just leave it. Out of curiosity, did you read through every la-da-da…., or did you just see it with your eyes and skip straight to this part? I’m genuinely curious.
No, I ain't scared of you
No, I ain't scared of you no more
A few days ago, while I was still in Florida, I was in the car listening to this song with my mom, and she said, “I really like this song, but who is it that he’s not scared of anymore?”. I loved this song too, but I had never thought about it. You know I don’t do feelings very well, so I mentioned perhaps it was a profound metaphor for the bad things that happened in his life. My mom agreed and proceeded to input her own thoughts, which I don’t remember because I had already started writing this in my head. How had I missed the most crucial part of the song!!!!!!!!
Remember when she broke my heart
Waitin' for the waiter to return my card?
Right as I let down my guard, lucky me
I wasn’t even dating the guy. I’ve been single forever and probably will continue to be, but I don’t talk about that. We were really great friends, and I mentioned that I maybe kind of liked him. However, I didn’t want to ruin our friendship blah blah blah (it was a whole paragraph) because he was one of my best friends. I was cool just being best friends, but I threw it out there because I genuinely liked him, and I was sick of everyone asking me why I didn’t have a boyfriend…. Long story short, he finally responded 2 or 3 months later, saying I didn’t have to apologize for my feelings. We could still keep talking, and then 2 weeks later, he stopped responding to any of my messages, so I took a hint, and we haven’t spoken since. This was like 4 years ago. I’ll admit I’m still a bit bitter. He could’ve just told me he didn’t want to talk to me anymore, but that story is always a pretty big hit when I tell my friends about it, so it’s cool. Also, since I got into K-pop, my standard for guys has been pretty high. He wasn’t bad looking, but Vixx was the first group I was super into, and I remember seeing a picture of one of them and being like, “He has such a nice face…. Wait, he’s a dude. How is his face better than mine!!”. 1 week later, I discovered the magic of a skincare routine, and I figured out why all their faces are so flawless, and I have been trying to catch up ever since. My sister-in-law said they look pretty, but I guess she didn’t mean it as a compliment which was how I took it. I think most of the guys she finds attractive are ugly though, so we’re even.
We had to work a bit more hard
Only just to get a little bit less far
We could laugh about it all tomorrow, couldn't we?
Dude, this perfectly sums up the Music Monday I did for ON by BTS, where I wrote the entire thing but didn’t save it or ask if I wanted to save it. Then 4 hours later, I re-wrote it, but I know it wasn’t as good as the original. I can actually laugh about it now. It too, makes a great story to tell. Another good one is… One day, I was at work, and this guy asked for an Italian sub. I asked if he meant the spicy Italian or the Italian BMT, and he said the spicy. So, I put the meat and cheese on, and he told me what veggies he wanted, I asked him if it looked okay, and he said YES. But…. when I told him the total, he said it was wrong. He said it should have been 4.99 (I think idk it was so long ago). And I told him the only $4.99 sub we had was the meatball sub, and he said……. “Yeah, that’s what I wanted.” The spicy Italian is just pepperoni and salami!!!!!!! You couldn’t have told me at any point while I was making the sandwich (That didn’t have any meatballs on it) that it was wrong?!?! He waited until it was wrapped up and ready to go, so I had to re-make the ENTIRE sandwich. That’s another good story I love to tell people about and laugh at.
[Insert pre chorus, chorus, many la-da-da’s, 1 I ain’t scared of you, and 1 I ain’t scared of you no more]
Do your thing it goes like this
{long instumental}
No, I ain't scared of you
No, I ain't scared of you
I wanted to write this because this time of year is always one that I dread. After all, I know my depression worsens with the shorter days. I don’t want to constantly be worried I’m getting worse every time I have a few bad days. They’re just days. I’ll get some hot chocolate and get my k-drama on if it’s not a good one. Nothing is good or bad; it just is, and that’s what I must remember.
A hundred bad days made a hundred good stories
A hundred good stories make me interesting at parties
Yeah, no, I ain't scared of you
No, I ain't scared of you
[Insert chorus for the last time]
If I do have a crappy day, maybe it’ll at least make a good story. I can now proudly say that I am nothing if not interesting, and it’s all because of these terrible days that turned into great stories. Maybe tomorrow won’t be any better, but perhaps it will. I will add a quick little LIBD’s guide to: SAD. Primarily for me but also for anyone else riding the struggle bus with me. Try to get out whenever you can. Maybe I’ll ask my brother if he wants to drive around and catch Pokémon. Getting out is more about leaving my room than actually being outside.
In the winter, outside means going to the mall with a friend or driving around. Also, if I feel especially awful, I will talk it out with my counselor. It’s not really talking. It’s more just me venting and her asking questions or offering suggestions that I may or may not take. Also, I’m going to make sure I stay stocked up on fuzzy blankets, fuzzy socks, and flavored hot chocolates because that combo can turn around even the worst of days. Lastly, I’m going to try to be kind to myself. If I go 3 whole weeks with only doing the bare minimum required to do life, that’s okay because at least I’m still doing something. Even if that something is just going to work and coming back home.
That’s it for today. Thank you for reading. If you also suffer from seasonal affective disorder, then I wish you the best of luck. The only thing I look forward to this time of the year is Christmas and new year. Once they’re done, it’s just awfulness until the days finally start getting longer. That wasn’t overly optimistic; I apologize, but not really because it’s the truth. Until next time hang in there. If you play Pokémon Go, there are some exciting things to look forward to, and if you don’t play Pokémon Go, I highly recommend it. It gives me a reason to leave my house even if I’m just in the car riding around. There are Pokéstops to spin, gyms to conquer, raids to be won, and many, many Pokémon to catch! It’s a wonderful distraction! I hope to see you all again soon!
Alright, a few notes really quick: I already wrote this once, and Microsoft word could only be bothered to save 300 of the 3000 words I wrote, so now it’s late, and I’m angsty. I’m glad I’m typing, so you can’t see the smoke coming out of my ears are the fire coming out of my eyes. But anyway, it’s okay. 괜찮아, I’m perfectly calm. 30 minutes later, this is an excellent example of what ON means to me. If I didn’t want to throw my laptop across the room right now, I’d say it was meant to be. The translation for this was from color-coded lyrics website, so less work for me; woot woot! That being said, there was one I changed, but I’ll mark it with*. Okay, on to the song. Haha, get it? ON? I’m so funny!
I can’t understand what people are sayin’
Whose words should I be following?
When I take one step forward
My shadow grows one step bigger
I feel like everyone has expectations for my life. When one person is happy for me, the other person isn’t. Then when that person’s proud of me, everyone else is like, “well, is that really what you want in life?” It seems like everybody has an opinion about me. I’m trying to make my life the best it can be, but it’s hard when I don’t know what I’m doing. Every time I make progress, I feel like 20 more obstacles come up.
Waking up and opening my eyes, where am I?
Maybe Seoul or New York or Paris
I’m getting up but my body’s swaying
Last week was terrible. Every day I woke up just dreading the day to come, and when I got to work, I was like, “I knew I shouldn’t have gotten out of bed this morning.” Life is rough and hard. Sometimes it’s annoying and just flat-out exhausting, but it’s life, and it is what it is.
Look at my feet, look down
This shadow resembles me
Is it him who’s shaking?
Or is it me and my toes?
I think part of my problem is that life seems so scary sometimes. It’s scary to leave your comfort zone, even if it’s doing something you want to do. What annoys me the most is that I get scared when my life isn’t going anywhere, but when it starts to go somewhere, I start freaking out. I wish I could stay in my comfort zone for the rest of my life, but that’s unrealistic. Sure, I wouldn’t be so scared, but would I really be happy wondering for the rest of my life what could have happened if I just went for it?
There’s no way I can’t be afraid
There’s no way I’m okay
But still I know
Awkwardly, I flow
I’m flying with the dark wind
I really like this part because it’s kind of saying you don’t have to be fearless. You don’t have to know exactly what to do and how to get where you want to go. Sometimes life is just doing what I’m doing now. I’m just rolling with it, and even if I don’t know how I will get there, that’s okay too. It doesn’t always go great, but I’m trying, and that’s what matters most at the end of the day.
[Pre-chorus]
*Gotta go insane to stay sane*
This is so true. At some point in life, you’ve got to go a little insane if you don’t wanna totally lose it. You need to have a little bit of crazy in you to balance out the crazy that’s life, like last night when I had to re-write everything. Sure may have cussed and died a little inside, but thankfully I was already a little crazy. I’m sure I would have just curled up in the corner and cried if I wasn’t.
[Pre-chorus continued]
I’m throwing myself to both sides of the world
Hey na na na
Can’t hold me down cuz you know I’m a fighter
It’s a beautiful prison that I’ve walked into
Find me and I’m gonna live with ya
I should probably say at this point that I didn’t write the song, obviously, ha! I wish. But this is just my interpretation of what the lyrics mean to me personally, so even if it doesn’t make sense, that’s okay because this is just my own thoughts and feelings. I like this part, especially when it talks about a beautiful prison. It reminds me of my post from a long time ago about personal prisons. I often get stuck in my comfort zone because it’s all nice, comfy, and predictable. Still, I can’t move on with my life that way. We have to throw ourselves out there, even if it’s scary. Even if it doesn’t have that feeling of safety like comfort zones do, the nice thing about stepping out of it is that outside there will be people to help us. They can help us find our way and fight for our goals, so even if it’s still scary, we can at least be comfortable not dealing with it alone.
[Chorus]
(Eh-oh) Bring it, bring the pain oh yeah
(Eh-oh) Get on, bring the pain oh yeah
I still have bad days or days I feel depressed when I just want to be miserable. Ideally though, this is how I want to handle my life. I want to look at life in general and be like, “yeah, do your worst, see what happens.” Some days at work are just plain awful. It’s like, “everything sucks already, so what’s a few more things to add to the pile.” However, I have to remind myself that in life, it’s essential to have that fighting spirit because whatever I want in life isn’t going to be handed to me. If I want it, I have to go and get it myself.
Rain be pourin’
Sky keep fallin’
Everyday oh na na na
(Eh-oh) Bring it, bring the pain oh yeah
Life is always going to be complicated. We’re never going to reach a point where it’s just suddenly easy and smooth sailing from here on out. Like the song says, rain be pourin’ sky keep falling every day. That’s life, and we have to choose how we handle it. We can either fight it, or we can lay down on the ground in defeat which admittedly I have done before. Trust me, it does feel good, but it won’t get you anywhere. Sometimes I have to take a few minutes to lay there and collect myself, and that’s fine as long as I’m willing to get back up eventually. Whether it’s a day, week, or month. Sometimes I just don’t want to fight anymore, and everyone needs a break sometimes, but my breaks tend to be longer than they need to be.
Bring the pain
Everything will become my blood and flesh
Bring the pain
No fear, cuz I know the way
I said before that it can be scary throwing yourself out there. Even though I’m pushing towards something that I want to do, and I’m excited about that, the journey is still scary. This song reminds me that even if it gets difficult, and if it doesn’t go exactly the way I planned, I can handle it. I’ve handled everything so far, and I know I’m going to be okay because I have faith in myself to be strong enough to deal with it.
For every thing little, breathe
It’s my oxygen and light in the darkness
My strength for everything I do
Even if I fall, I’ll get up again, scream
That’s what has always been weird for me, though; Getting anxious when things aren’t going how I thought they should and getting even more anxious when things start going my way. It’s a never-ending cycle of trying to believe in myself to be strong, capable, and determined enough to fight for how I want my life to turn out. Not thinking about what anyone else wants it to look like, but what I want it to look like.
Even if I fall, I’ll get up again, scream
Cuz that’s what we always do
Even if my knees touch the ground
As long as I don’t get buried
It’ll be just another happening
Even when I feel discouraged, this is how I want to be able to handle my life as a whole. Even when things don’t look the best, or when it’s not going the way I want it to, or not going well at all. Even when everything that could go wrong is going wrong. I want to say to myself, “it’s okay! I’ve got this. I’m not going to let myself be defeated by this today”. I like where it says Cuz that’s what we always do because it’s true. Every time I’ve fallen in the past, I’ve always gotten back up. Sometimes I fall further than others, but if I’ve done it before, I can do it again, and It’ll be just another happening. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and all that.
Win no matter what
Win no matter what, Win no matter what
Whatever you say, whatever anyone says
I don’t give a uhh, I don’t give a uhh,
I don’t give a uhh
[Insert Pre-chorus and Chorus]
I couldn’t have said it better myself Suga.
Please allow me to breathe
In this place where my pain lives
My everythin’
My blood and tears
Got no fears
I’m singin’ ohhhhh
Part of the reason this song is so important to me is that many years went by, and I just let myself get defeated by life. It was not a good feeling, yet I had no intentions of ever getting back up. Everything seemed meaningless and hopeless, and it was awful. I was just stuck there for years because I didn’t mentally have the strength or confidence to deal with it. Now that I’ve gotten help and have the tools at my disposal to deal with life, I want to make the most of it. I don’t want to fall back into that pointless and meaningless funk I was in. I wasted so much of my life being miserable. Instead of just being like, “hey, instead of sitting here being miserable, why don’t I go do something about it?”. At the same time though, I didn’t feel like I could do anything about it back then, but I got help, and now I know I can. Even as far as I’ve come, I still have times when I want to lay down and accept defeat. I still have times when it takes me a little while to be ready to try again, but I won’t let myself waste any more time being defeated by life. I want to find out just how great life can be, and I’m not going to stop until I do. After all this awfulness, I think I’ve more than earned some greatness, and I’m not going to give up until I find it.
Oh I’m takin’ over
You should know yeah
Can’t hold me down cuz you know I’m a fighter
I’ll gladly be locked in this dark abyss
It’s easy to say all this stuff but putting it into action is a different story. I have gotten better though, as I’ve said. Whenever I’m depressed, I just have to tell myself that even though I’m sad, it’s OK because it’s not going to last forever. Sometimes just making it through the day is all you can do, and that’s just as good as anything. I hate being positive all the time; it’s exhausting. I don’t always want to look on the bright side. Whenever people tell me, “Well, it could be worse.” I always say, ” Thank God it’s not because if it was, I’d be curled up in the corner crying right now.” I know it could be worse, and life is full of challenges and obstacles. Still, I also know that anything I want in life, if I really want it, I have to go after it myself and hope for the best. Other people can help me, but no one can live my life for me.
Find me and I’m gonna bleed with ya
Bring it, bring the pain oh yeah
(Eh-oh)
Get on, bring the pain oh yeah
There’s a line in the song Superheroes by The Script that says, “Every day, every hour, turn the pain into power,” and that’s what I want to do. Instead of getting discouraged by problems, I want to be able to look at them as another opportunity to learn and grow. Another chance to practice my ability to keep going even when it’s hard. If we want happiness, we have to get it ourselves. I get my happiness at my weekly riding lessons or when I order a new K-pop album for my collection. Sometimes I get my happiness from meaningful conversations with friends or playing with my niece. Especially when everything in my life goes wrong, it’s essential to find those little pockets of happiness to keep me going.
Rain be pourin’
Sky keep fallin’
Everyday oh na na na
Everyday.
(Eh-oh) Find me and I’m gonna bleed with ya
(Eh-oh) Bring it, bring the pain oh yeah
(Eh-oh) Get on, bring the pain oh yeah
I think the most important thing I learned in dealing with anxiety, depression, self-esteem, and stuff like that is that I have to want it for myself; otherwise, it’s not going to happen. After 10 years, I finally reached the place mentally where I want something more out of my life and feel like I deserve something more out of my life. That’s something I wish I could tell everyone that’s going through hard times. No matter what happens, you deserve so much more than what you’re dealing with now. You deserve it, and you have the power to make that happen! Sometimes the first step is getting help because part of this is just being in the place mentally to want it and believe in yourself, and I needed a lot of help to get where I am today.
All that I know
Is just goin’ on & on & on & on
I’ve always said, “The more I know, the more I realize how much I don’t know.” If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that the world keeps spinning, and life will go on and on and on whether you’re with it or not. Even when it feels like it’s dragging, and nothing is happening. Every day if you’re still here, you’re still trying, and if you’re still trying, there’s always hope for a better tomorrow. I have to keep reminding myself of that. Some days I wonder why I’m trying so hard, especially when I’m seeing no results. I just have to tell myself that I’m at least trying on those days. Because even though it may not look promising, today was another day that wasn’t letting life get the best of me. I have to throw a quote in here. It’s a quote from Namjoon (he’s one of the members of BTS, for my non-K-pop readers). My friend sent it to me in her extensive proofreading notes, and I thought it was perfect for what I’ve been talking about…
“In Korean, the word ‘future’ is made up of two parts. The first part means ‘not,’ and the second means ‘to come.’ In that sense, ‘future’ means something that will not come. This is to say the future is now, and our now is us living our future”.
Kim Namjoon
And it’s so true too. If I want a better future, than I have to start with a today.
(Eh-oh) Bring it, bring the pain oh yeah
Sincerely, LIBD
The End. This is just extra ramblings; read at your own risk: Just be careful when you look life in the eyes and say bring it on you. You never know when an important document you just spent two hours on will mysteriously disappear. So be careful, because sometimes it will. I just remind myself that this is a character-building experience so that if this ever happens again, hopefully, I won’t cuss, or I don’t even know……. I’m so mad. I’m so so so so unbelievably mad. Like, I don’t really get physically angry, but like right now, I wish I did because I would love to just scream right now. I’m so glad I’m not bitter about spending an extra 3 hours trying to remember what I said. Then rewrite everything because my stupid phone must have only been half listening to what I was saying!!!!!. I made it though, and if it’s not that great, rest assured that the other one was super good. If this one’s not, I apologize; I don’t remember exactly what I wrote. Alright, I quit; I give up. I’m so done with this!!!! If I didn’t love this song so much, I wouldn’t have had to go to all this trouble. Why does every single one of BTS’s songs have to be amazing!!! It’s not fair!!! But like I said, totally not bitter about it……… Before I end though, I have to give a big shoutout to my friend for proofreading this hot mess and helping me make it make sense. It has taken me almost 3 times as long to edit as it did to rewrite. Turns out talk to text isn’t accurate when you try to use it for whole paragraphs. It was bad. You don’t even know. One of her notes was, “Not sure what “Deleigh” was supposed to be. The talk to text was having fun with this sentence, lol”. I never did figure out what I was trying to say. I had to take the whole sentence out. Another Note said: “Were you just trying to quote the lyrics? Also, I’m enjoying reading this way too much because I think it’s a mixture of talk to type and you on Benadryl, lol”. It works great for my allergies, but I can only take it at night for this reason. I was so mad about 2 hours of work disappearing that I forgot I had taken it. Finally, I was just like, “I’m sorry, but it’s all you.” then I went to bed, and I spent the last hour trying to decipher what I meant last night while voice typing, half asleep. So, I hope it’s good. I really tried. Let me know what you think.
At last! Part 4/4 in my ‘See U Tomorrow’ series. If you read all 4 parts, you rock, and a special shoutout is in order just for you. If you haven’t read all 4 parts well……. Better late than never. Second shoutout to SF9 for being one of my fav K-pop groups. I think it’s been 3 years now (Correct me if I’m wrong, Fantasy, because I feel like I am), and so far, they have not released a single album that I don’t like. I also want to thank everyone who has read any part of this series. I honestly wasn’t sure how it would turn out, but I’m proud of it. I also want to thank everyone who has liked and followed my blog because I’m shallow enough that that is what motivates me to keep writing. Lastly, (I promise I’ll shut up after this), this is the translation I came up with that made the most sense. If you’re looking for super exact and slightly more literal translations, you should look for someone else’s translation. I found a few translations of lyrics on YouTube, but they didn’t make as much sense as I would like, so I used them as a reference, broke out my Korean/English dictionary app, and 5 hours dissecting Korean words and phrases later this is what I ended up with, some spots might be rough translations or minor edits for ease of reading no offense to the original lyrics, especially the English parts they just didn’t make as much sense with everything else in English so if it’s not exact in some places it’s just so it reads better and I do apologize. You can listen to the actual song >>here<< in all of its musical glory, and without further ado, 가자!
My friend, See you tomorrow
[Chorus] See you tomorrow and again
Throw off the darkness (I can do this)
Say ya, ya, ya, ya
See ya, ya, ya, ya
I’ll shout out to you
See you tomorrow
That’s the nice thing about tomorrow; it’s like life is giving you a do-over for the day before. Sure, tomorrow might not be a spectacular day, but hopefully, it will be slightly better than yesterday. The hard part is trying to brush off yesterday’s ‘ugh’; it can be challenging if my previous day was a total shit show. I’ve found that when I treat my tomorrow like a tomorrow and not just a continuation of the day before, it’s easier to have a better attitude about it. At least as good as my attitude gets, but we’re not going to go there right now.
In this messed up life
We just want a (more) better life
You don’t need to cower from the stares of others
You lost your way, but I’ll take you
You’re precious (come with me)
Honestly, that’s all I want. I don’t need my life to be perfect; I just need it to not be so blah sometimes. It’s hard when I’m depressed and feel like my life sucks. It’s rough when it feels like no one is on your side. Sometimes I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do or how to get to where I want to go, but that’s okay. 괜찮아. I think there’s no map or guidebook to life because it would be useless. The map that got someone else all the way to the Grand Canyon might lead me to some sketchy mosquito-infested swamp, and if I thought my life was terrible before then……. ugh.
Endure the sharpest pain
You are an unrefined diamond
It can be uncomfortable, it can be difficult
but I want to tell you
You’re doing alright right (right?)
First, I want to tell you that if you are doing your best, you are already on your way. Life is a long road, and there aren’t many 5-star hotels to stop at along the way when you get tired. One day I was trying (and failing) to put together this puzzle. I was getting super frustrated because some pieces fit in 3 different places, and it was a total nightmare. Finally, I couldn’t take it, and out loud, I just said, “Ugh!!!! I hate my life!” my friend asked me why I kept doing it, and I had one simple yet very resentful answer……. “Because failure builds character!” She gave me a weird look, so let me explain it to you guys. When everything is going wrong, it totally 100% sucks, and I will be first in line to whine about how everything is awful, but that’s how I deal with it; I complain my way through it. When I have those times when I feel totally defeated, it’s teaching me things about life. I may not like it, but I don’t have to. Sometimes it is painful, but like it says in the song, “you are an unrefined diamond.” Diamonds must be cut, sharpened, and polished before they end up in a necklace, ring, or whatever. Although it’s a long and tedious process to go from a rock to a diamond, the finished product is so lovely, sparkly, and expensive that it’s totally worth the trouble.
[pre-chorus part 1] Who says that you’re trash
Get rid of those thoughts (oh)
And who called you a loser
shut them up, stop those lips
and cover your ears (oh)
People are jagweeds. I’ve said it before, and I’m sure I’ll repeat it. It’s not their life; it’s yours, and don’t forget that! If someone has a problem with you, they can go float a goat. Because if they honestly have nothing better to do with their lives than judge others…. Trust me, their lives aren’t going any better than yours.
[pre-chorus part 2]
You’re the superstar of your own life
So believe in yourself
You know you could be the best
[insert chorus]
You do you!! No one can be me like I can, and no one could be you quite like you. The literal translation was, ‘you are the main character in your life, and you are, so make the most of it! I tend to hold back a lot in life, and I shouldn’t. I should be trying to make the most of every day to be the best me, no matter how scary it can be. It reminds me of Newt’s line in Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them; “my philosophy is that worrying means you suffer twice.” Also, I don’t know that it’s going to be awful. I just assume it will be and use that as my excuse not to try. It’s our life, and we should be cheering ourselves on even if no one else is because we are just that awesome!
Waiting for you
Yeah, I’m waiting for you
See u, see u, see u tomorrow
You know what they say is meaningless
You don’t need it
There’s so much more to think about
Instead of vaguely drifting apart
Draw a period and finish it
That last part is a bit rocky, but I tried to make sense of it here. It doesn’t matter what other people say about you. I know it hurts sometimes, but I’ve always felt like if I let them get to me, I’m letting them win. There are many more important things in life, and we don’t need negativity floating around in our heads all day. Sometimes you just got to say, “no more.” I’m speaking from experience when I say that. If all they do is bring you down, then they are not the kind of people you need in your life. This one girl I went to school with was the textbook definition of a jagweed, and finally, one day, I just said no more. She was genuinely mad and put off that I refused to be her friend anymore. It was pretty funny. It’s not always funny, but sometimes we need to say enough is enough.
The past is the past so don’t ask about it
It can’t easily be changed, so just smile
That’s right
Let’s just stop for a bit and laugh comfortably
[insert pre-chorus 1&2 + chorus]
If you’ve read my blog before, you know I have no qualification to talk about letting go of the past. Still, I like the next part, ‘don’t ask about it, don’t ask yourself, don’t ask others. Honestly, I feel we should all unanimously agree to never speak or think of the past again. It’s done, and I can’t change it, so I should look toward the future with a smile. Or at least a smirk. I don’t like smiling; it’s just no good. If you tell me a good joke, I’ll smile on accident, but I don’t like to smile on purpose. I find it annoying. Sometimes we have to take those little moments of happiness or fun times hanging out and laughing with friends and hold on to them. Because on my darkest day, those were what helped me make it through each and every tomorrow.
Everything’s alright
Even if you fall again
You can go a little bit slower
Don’t worry about it
Even if you get hurt
and fall back a little bit
If there’s one thing I’ve learned while struggling with anxiety and depression, it’s that recovery is not onwards and upwards. Sometimes I get back to old habits. Sleeping too much, isolating myself, or listening to music that I probably shouldn’t in my current state of mind, but it’s okay. I’m getting better at dealing with my bad days. Sometimes there are days when I have to say to myself, “I’m sad today, and that’s okay. I will be sad today and try again tomorrow”. That sad day gets better sometimes, I just have to K-drama and nap my way through it, but I’ve learned to be nicer to myself on bad days or even bad weeks. It’s okay to stumble if you are willing to get back up eventually. Like when I fell off my horse, sometimes I just want to lay there in the dirt for a bit, and that’s okay because when I was ready to get up again, I got right back on.
Why do you hide yourself Why do you do that Why do you compare yourself to others I’ll return all of their stares This is your chance
I sometimes think that I spent so much time trying to be who everyone else thought I should be or wanted me to be that I lost track of who I was as an individual. I like to watch Brad Mondo’s ‘Hairdresser reacts’ videos, and he always tells everyone to live their extra life. I’ve come to realize that it is some rock-solid advice. I cared way too much about what other people thought of me for a long time. Especially when I was at bible college, it was a great experience, and I made a lot of friends, and I learned a lot too, but……… I felt like I was too…. Like I was trying to be the person I thought I was supposed to be, I tried not to be too weird and tried to be super nice and “Christian-y” enough. And when I felt like even after trying so hard, it still wasn’t enough, I just felt terrible because I felt like I was failing but didn’t understand how. I know they weren’t judging me because they were all super supportive and awesome, but I felt I was judging myself for them if that makes sense. Now, I’m learning to “live my extra life” and…… I just don’t care. Maybe I’m too weird, I don’t read my bible enough, or I should seriously consider starting a swear jar, but I’m a work in progress, and this is where I’m at right now. If people don’t like it, they don’t have to be friends with me. Probably also explains why I only have 3 friends, but! Three super awesome friends that I wouldn’t trade for the world! This is your life, and it’s your chance to be the most awesome you that you can be.
Bang Bang
This poisonous world is all the same
If you have your life in order
You’ll be the best
This was a rough translation. Because, let’s be honest, my Korean is sub-par, and the words themselves aren’t super specific. My best guess is that it’s saying you shouldn’t feel like you have to measure up to anyone else in the world. As long as you are living your life to the best of your ability, then you are doing great. I don’t want to live my life how everyone else feels like I should. I want to live my life the way I want and be the best I can be. It doesn’t matter what anyone else says. It’s your life and your journey, and it’s up to you to make the best of it because you deserve the best life possible.
First time it will be
‘Gonna make your mind (I think what he is trying to say is that when that moment finally comes it’s gonna blow your mind, but since those words were in English and I didn’t write the song I don’t really know)
If this is not a dream
I want to say these words to you
Yeah I’ve been waiting for you.
[Insert Chorus]
Waiting for you, yeah
I’m waiting for you
See u, see u, see u tomorrow
Every tomorrow is a new opportunity, and sometimes it will be great. Sometimes it will suck, but that’s okay because there is always tomorrow. Life isn’t always easy, and sometimes it is downright painful, so I want to say this. I have total faith in you; that’s right, I’m talking to you. I have complete confidence that you can do this. No matter how hard it is some days, I believe in you. Celebrate the good days and be kind to yourself on the bad ones. You are amazing, and no one could replace you even if they tried. Even when things seem hopeless, take it one tomorrow at a time. You are so, so, so important in this world and to the people around you, and you deserve the best life that you can possibly have. Thank you again for reading, and until next time……… I’ll See U Tomorrow.
안녕하세요 여러분!! What’s up y’all? So, I‘ve come to terms with the fact that I’m never going to be a plan ahead person. Whenever I try to come up with a blog schedule, I feel like I’m being told what to do, so I don’t want to do it. I’m aware that there are spelling errors, but it is harder to fix them when I don’t have something written ahead of time. If you haven’t guessed by the title and the day of the week, this is a music Monday post, and I am absolutely in love with the K-drama Meow, The Secret Boy’. It’s so adorable and sweet and fluffy, and part of the reason I love it so much is because of this song. It’s not an upbeat song, but it’s perfect for those sad little moments of the show before everything gets all better. Alright focusing…. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. If you want to look up the song, it’s called ‘Better to be You’ by Dave Hawks. 가자!
How do you tell someone you love
That everything about them
Makes you feel like you're not good enough
They’re better in every single way
Or at least in the things of this world that seem to matter anyway
Maybe my self-esteem isn’t as great as I think it is. Whenever my parents talk about my brother or me, they always start with him. I try not to take it personally. I mean, I like to brag about him too sometimes. He started working as a dishwasher in high school, and now all these years later, he’s worked his way up to assistant kitchen manager. He’s got a family (my niece is the best), and they have their own apartment. I can’t deny that it’s impressive, and I know you shouldn’t compare your own life to everyone else’s because “we each have our own special life to live” and all that crap. That being said, “In the things of this world that seem to matter,” I feel like a total loser a lot of time. It’s like how I know I’m smart, but nobody cares about how dinosaurs are related to birds (I can tell you all about that), and that’s how I failed most of my college classes.
[Pre chorus]
There's no one I can go to
There's no one I can turn to
There's nothing I can say
‘Cause it's not your fault
I can’t even be mad at them either! My brother, my real friends, my Facebook friends. I’m sick of being happy for everyone else. Like I’m so glad that your life is going somewhere or that you’re living your dream, but I’m not, I’m sorry. I want to be mad at them, but I can’t because they aren’t doing anything! I’m just bitter and jealous, I guess, because I know I can’t compete.
[Chorus]
You're the source of my insecurities
You're the boy
She will always choose not me
It's a cold and a strange reality
When you can't escape the truth that
In this life
It's better to be you
It’s better to be you
Everyone around me is doing something with their life, and I feel like I’m just screwed. I’ll never be on their level, no matter how hard I try. It’s like in my music Monday that I had a while back for ‘Someone Else’ by The Jellyrox. It said, “I wake up wishing I was someone else, in a different circumstance, with a different set of plans.” I want my life to mean something; I want to do something that makes other people look at me and think, “wow, I can’t compete with that.” I know it’s shallow and selfish, but I don’t care. I just don’t want to feel like everyone is up ahead, and I’m just back here by myself. It sucks feeling like that, so I try not to think about it, but it always haunts me.
I don't want you to meet my friends
Cause if you meet the girl I'm into
That's the end
But she already knows who you are
And I don't want you to be the cause
Of another broken heart
[Insert Pre chorus and chorus]
Leaving romantic relationships out of this, I’ve always felt like the third wheel friend. I hate hanging out in groups because I feel like I’m always the leftover. Even when we picked partners in school, I was always the leftover who got stuck with the other leftovers. I’ve always preferred hanging out 1 on 1 simply because they can’t abandon me to go hang out with someone more fun. Or sometimes, one of my friends will meet another one of my friends, and then they always just want to hang out together without me. Although I guess that was only once, but it only takes one time to start taking it personally. I know I’m fun to hang out with; people tell me that quite often, but for some reason, I’m usually not the first pick when there are other choices.
There's nothing that's wrong with me
There's nothing that I can do
There's nothing I can say to be free from you
I can’t just start ignoring people because I’m tired of thinking about how much better they are at life than me. If I did that, I would have literally no one left to talk to. I’m so tired of everyone else succeeding, getting married, or graduating college. It makes me bitter, and I don’t know what to do about it or how to make the feeling disappear.
So when it comes to me
They’re just not impressed
There's nothing wrong with me
It's just a case of good, better, and best
I know I’m a decent human being. I’m the most reasonable person I know. I may not be the kindest, most intelligent, or most patient, and sometimes I don’t think before I speak. However, I am nothing if not reasonable also; I tell GREAT stories. I know a lot about animals, and I think this is a pretty darn excellent blog I’ve got when I actually get around to posting stuff. Nobody cares about that, though, because none of that matters because I still don’t have my life together. That’s why I don’t get mad when my parents always talk about my brother first. I wouldn’t brag about myself either. I’m good, but I’m not better or best.
You're the source of my insecurities
But I won’t let it get the best of me
It's time that I let go of jealousy
When you can't escape the truth in this life
It's better to be me
It's better to be me
It's better to be me
This reminds me of a quote from one of my favorite K dramas. It says:
“It does seem like everyone lives well except for you, but if you move forward it’s all the same. Even the guys who seem to do well are stressed out behind the scenes.”
Just Between Lovers
Also, the people I’m talking about are the same people who would be first in line to encourage me. To tell me that my life doesn’t have to look like everyone else’s or that I don’t need to compete with anyone. It’s a lot like whenever I compete in barrel racing. I’m not competing because I know I will not win, partly due to a lack of bravery and confidence and partly due to a lack of skill. That being said, it would be lovely to go into a barrel racing competition, actually thinking I could possibly even place. That is where barrel racing is a lot like life. Even if I set a new personal best, I would still not even rank in the top 10, and I know that because last year, I set a new personal best, and I didn’t even make the top 10.
Barrel racing is different than life though; With barrel racing, I’m just in it for the fun of it, and when we get to the obstacle course, THEN I’ll show everyone how it’s done. Maybe that’s what my friends mean when they say my life doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s. Perhaps they’re all barrel racers, and I’m just an obstacle course kind of gal. Still, I can’t help but be jealous of the barrel racers. It’s rough knowing I’ll never be that cool. Mainly because everybody watches the barrel racing, and no one but the select few and the judges even pays attention to the obstacle course. Maybe I should look for those select few and try and compete with them. I am pretty boss level when it comes to the obstacle course. Me and Pippy killed it last year, we completed the gate obstacle (it’s worth the most points, but it’s super hard, so most people don’t bother) 4 times, and we could have kept going. All. Day. Long.
I guess I’m just special, and maybe I need to tackle life like a horse show. Just do your best and don’t land in the dirt; eventually, my time to shine will come, and I’ll show everyone who’s boss, and I’ll get my 3 minutes of success that come so few and far between. Maybe it is better to be me. My brother hates K-pop, and many of my other friends don’t listen to K-pop…. And they don’t ride horses. Wow… That sounds so dreadful…no K-pop AND no horses…. Suddenly I’m less jealous of their lives, lol. Well, that was relatively easy, plus school is so tedious and lame. Would “success” really be worth all the homework?? I think right now I’m good being me. Maybe someday I’ll find out what makes my life so unique, but for now, I’m perfectly content to blog, cuddle with my puppers, and of course, listening to the 3 greatest genres of music; K-pop, punk rock, and alternative. You cannot go wrong with any of those.
감사합니다 to everyone who made it to the end. 진짜요, you guys are the best, I know this one was pretty whiny, and I apologize, but only a little. Until next time I hope you all stay healthy and try not to go too crazy during this self-quarantining ordeal. I’ll try not to go a month without posting anything, but I can’t make promises. I hope this has inspired you at least a little. We are all excellent in our own particular way, even when we don’t feel extraordinary or unique. I hope you guys know that because it’s easy to forget sometimes. Thanks again for reading; hopefully, I’ll see you all soon.
안녕하세요 여러븐! Happy Music Monday y’all! I’ve been trying to get faster at typing Korean on my keyboard, but it took me one minute to type that. I’m much better at typing Korean on my phone. Anywho, today’s Music Monday is a prequel to my LIBD’s guide to… that I will be posting later this week (I will do my best not to forget). Also, I will start a new series soon and announce it on the Facebook page. No need to get your hopes up, though. It’s not nearly as exciting as I’m making it sound. And without further ado … (I don’t know how to spell it, but WordPress didn’t put the squiggly red line under that one, so it’s the one I’m sticking with). Please enjoy!
Well I catch my reflection like it’s some kind of disease
Wish I quarantined my thoughts before they made it past my teeth
Self-hatred has always been a struggle for me. Even though I’ve gotten a lot better, it’s still hard. Sometimes it’s how I look; other times, it’s things I’ve said or done making me feel stupid. It’s like there’s a little voice in my head that only wants to see the flaws.
I walk outside and it feels just like the weight of everybody’s eyes
Is wrapped around my heart so tight that it might cease to beat
I have had social anxiety for as long as I can remember, and the first time I heard this song, this part really stuck with me. I always felt like everyone was staring at me or laughing at me. If I didn’t even like myself, why would anyone else? My counselor told me to wear my favorite outfit when I go out so that I wouldn’t be self-conscious. When I feel like everyone’s watching me, I assume it’s because they are jealous of my outfit and not because they are waiting for me to embarrass myself….. Most of the time.
(Pre chorus) And it's all just passing through, but sometimes
(Chorus) I wake up wishing I was someone else
In a different circumstance, with a different set of plans
And I feel like the world expected someone else
I still don’t like many things about myself and my life. There’s still a lot that I wish could be different. Sometimes I wish I could trade lives with someone more talented or successful. I want to do something significant with my life, but I’m only me. Sometimes I do wake up wishing I was someone else. Someone in a different circumstance, with a different set of plans. My biggest struggle is simply feeling like I’m not enough to do the things I want to do in life.
Well I just wanna like what I see
I just wanna like being me
That would be nice, but it’s so much easier said than done.
These failures I can’t fix all feel like fire without the heat
Somehow the devil’s guilty conscience found its way inside of me
The worst part about failure is that it’s past tense. It’s already happened, and now I have to live with that failure, however stupid or embarrassing it may be. It’s really hard not to feel like a failure when my track record of messing up is as long and embarrassing as mine is.
‘Cause I let everything I see convince me that I need
To be loved and liked and listened to by everyone but me
(Insert pre chorus& chorus)
This is the worst part right here. Because I couldn’t care less, I care that other people might care, and that’s when I run into problems. I’ve been told by multiple people that I tend to much what other people think. Yes, the rational part of my brain understands that I’m probably the only one who still remembers every screw-up of my entire life, but it doesn’t matter. If I have to be around other people, I don’t want those people to think I’m a total moron.
Don’t get caught up in the feeling that the grass is always greener
‘Cause you’ll never find your meaning if you’re not ok with you
The grass really is greener on the other side. The problem is that maybe the grass is greener on that side because it always rains. Perhaps the grass is greener, but there is no one else over there to enjoy the green grass with. I’ve been around horses long enough to know that even if the grass is greener, it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the better side. Sometimes the side you’re on is the best. However, we don’t realize it because we only think about the grass without considering the other possible factors. For all we know, there could be a man-eating bear on the other side waiting for an innocent little dear to come along and enjoy the green grass, and then BAM…. bear food. You never know.
And when you feel like life’s a living hell, that’s the one way you can tell
You only ever see yourself in everything you do
And life is not all about you
I can admit that I tend to be self-centered. I tend to assume that the way I see the world through my eyes is the same as everyone else’s. If you think about it, it is kind of arrogant. I spend so much time assuming what other people think or say about me. As if they wouldn’t have anything better to do with their lives than think about my most embarrassing moments. I feel like I should probably have better things to do with my life than thinking about everything I don’t like about me as well. Maybe I am too self-centered.
Don’t spend it wishing you were someone else
In a different circumstance with a different set of plans
Only you, can be the you, you were made to be (Truth Bomb)
There is only one me in the entire world, just like there is only one you. I don’t need to be my friend just because she is successful, and her life seems to be going somewhere. The position of being her has already been filled. It took me too long to realize that I needed to focus more on being me. Even if being me doesn’t look super successful or glamourous. I’ve learned that while others may have been mean to me in the past, no one has been as cruel to me as I’ve been to myself. If there is anyone who should be cheering me on and supporting me, it’s me, and I don’t do it nearly as much as I should.
And I’m starting to like what I see
I’m starting to like being me (#goals)
It’s been a long road, but I’m doing much better. I don’t think I’m fat anymore. I’m still working on losing weight, but now it’s because I want to, and not because I think I’m fat (I mean, I’m definitely not skinny, but I don’t feel eww about it anymore). I try to be more kind and forgiving towards myself, especially when I get lazy. I also don’t let other people’s opinions get to me as much anymore. The last time someone called me fat a few years ago (also 40lbs ago), I just laughed because she was always a jagweed anyway, so I wasn’t even surprised. I just did the mature adult thing and blocked her. I heard that she wants to be my friend again (for the 8th time) from our mutual friend. However, that was a year ago or so ago, and I have yet to unblock her. It wasn’t a short or easy road to gain confidence, but I will say that confidence is a nice thing to feel.
But sometimes I wake up wishing I was someone else
In a different circumstance, with a different set of plans
And I feel like the world expected someone else
Like with all things, there are still bad days. Sometimes I get caught up in the past or other peoples’ opinions of myself. There are still time’s when I get bummed out when I’m not losing weight as fast as I would like. There I days when I wonder if my life will ever amount to anything. It’s definitely not easy.
Well I just wanna like what I see
I just wanna like being me
But at the end of the day, the one thing that keeps me going is that I really do want to like what I see, and I really do want to enjoy being me. I want to wonder if maybe I’m being too conceited sometimes. It’s an excellent problem to have every once in a while. I want to enjoy going out with my friends. It’s much more fun to go shopping at the mall when you don’t feel like everyone you walk past is judging you. I know this because it has happened on multiple occasions, and it might not always be easy, but it is always 100% worth it.
This song has always meant a lot to me, and I hope you like it too. Sincerely, LIBD
