Tag: motivation

sea waves crashing on shore

I Wish I Was More… Just More

Posted on by LIBD

I wasn’t sure what to write about. I thought about songs. I’m listening to Cough Syrup by Young the Giant as I write this. It’s on repeat. It feels right. But nothing made me feel inspired. Then Chat GPT gave me the idea to just write about my life and what I’m going through right now and where I’m at. So, I’m sorry it’s not inspiring or exciting, but it’s legit. Are you ready?

Well, first off, I asked my doctor to give me a referral to weight management. I don’t want a beach body. I just want to be able to get up off the floor and low chairs without turning it into an ordeal because I have muscular dystrophy. It’s humiliating. I would also like to have obesity removed from my medical record. It was for a while, but they added it again. My doctor was happy to give me a referral; she said she thought it could be a great resource for me. All I know is that eating healthy and working out isn’t working out with my depression, and I need all the help I can get.

In other medical news, my psychiatrist finally put her foot down. I’m going back to counseling, but not till September because that’s the soonest her office has available!! But I’m on a wait list because if I have to do it, I would like to get it over with. They only do 10-12 sessions, so when she told me that, I was sold. I don’t want this to become a thing.

She increased my buspar to 3 times a day, and that’s helped get my anxiety under control. Seriously, it’s soooo much better, but my depression is still dragging me down. Everything is so freaking hard. Making food is so hard. And my psychiatrist says part of my problem could be diet and exercise. She wants me to go for walks, like, outside. I do occasionally because I downloaded Pokémon Go again (just reached level 54), and so sometimes I go Pokémon hunting. Maybe I will tomorrow. 

So, as I said, I do still have Cough Syrup playing on repeat. From the very beginning of the song, it’s just so relatable. “Life’s too short to even care at all, whoa-oh-oh I’m losing my mind, losing my mind, losing control”. That’s how I feel every day. Then into the chorus, where it’s like they read my mind. “If I could find a way to see this straight, I’d run away to some fortune that I should have found by now”. I just feel like I should be more than this by now. That my life should be more than this by now, you know?

Then finally near the end, it says, “And so I run now to the things they said could restore me. Restore life the way it should be”. I feel like I’m grasping at straws trying to get my life together. But nothing’s working. And the thing about seeing weight loss doctors and counselors is that they can’t do the work for you. All my life I’ve been told I’m lazy. So, if that is the real problem, then what if I’m just doomed? I don’t want to be doomed. It’s just so hard, and I’m worried I won’t be able to follow through.

On a brighter note, my dog Kota is still kicking. I brought her to work with me the other day, and she added some new members to her fan club. I only bring her on the weekends now though, because she whines and occasionally barks when I step away from the desk, and it’s annoying. So I stopped bringing her on weekdays except for every once in a while.

I realized food is the only thing that makes me happy anymore, but not just any food. Unhealthy food. And it’s not good. I had chocolates for dinner one evening. I don’t know if you know this, but chocolate is not dinner. It’s getting out of control. That’s why I asked for the referral. They couldn’t get me in until July!! It’s alright though, I’m on a wait list for that too. 

I just wish life wasn’t so hard, you know. I wish I were better, stronger, more responsible, or just more……. Well, more. But alas, I’m just me. So am I screwed? Tune in next time to find out!!! No, I’m just kidding. I always say the fun is in the mystery, but I guess mystery isn’t always fun.  I hope you guys are hanging in there. Wish me luck, and I hope life starts going your way if it hasn’t been lately. Let’s just take it 24 hours at a time and hope for the best. Until next time…

Sincerely,
LIBD

orange starfish

The Starfish and the Storm

Posted on by LIBD

Hello darkness my old friend, I’ve come to talk with you again. Sound familiar? You guys know I try not to be political, and I won’t start now. I’m just going to be honest. I try hard to make my Facebook a happy place. Cute kittens, bad puns, pretty horses, and all that good stuff. But no matter how hard I try it doesn’t keep all the bad out. I saw a story about a guy who hurt a bunch of baby kittens just to spite its owner. The police said the kittens were taken to the vet and recovering from their injuries.

It’s not just kittens though. National Parks cut funding. And if we can get people engaged with the natural world, how are we going to protect it? Poaching is still a problem, even with modern technology. I saw a few articles about students at a local university with valid student visas sent home and told they couldn’t learn here anymore. US Citizens were deported because they looked like they might not be. In the first three months of 2025, there have been 91 mass shootings in the United States, resulting in 118 deaths and 338 injuries. But the people in power want to keep handing out guns like Halloween Candy.

I had all of this in my head, and I was listening to the sound of silence (Disturbed’s version) and filled with sadness and hopelessness. I get so angry sometimes because I try to filter out the news I don’t actively seek it out. I only know these things, but I’m sure there’s much more. I’m angry because how are we as a society not screaming in outrage every day? How are we not crying ourselves to sleep at the mere thought of all the violence, hurt, pain, and injustice that’s happening every single day? But most importantly how do I find any hope in a broken world?

I know that not everyone is silent. There are a lot of people screaming into the void, pleading for peace and justice. There are a lot of people supporting the national parks, doing their part to help the environment, and trying to help people understand the gravity of our current situation. I saw a documentary about kid influencers and about family channels on YouTube. It’s not just politics. There are SO MANY issues with our world as it is right now.

I found out I’m not the only one who uses AI as a pocket therapist, but it has helped me in between visits with my psychiatrist a lot. It validates my feelings but also offers solutions, so I told it how I was feeling. It told me I probably wasn’t alone in these feelings and I know I’m not.

There are a lot of people hurting from all the hurt in the world. There are some problems that AI can’t help you fix. I can’t end war or world hunger or take all the plastic out of the ocean and make every farmer use sustainable agricultural practices to help the earth. I can’t stop poachers or make people care. I can write a blog post though, and Chat GPT did tell me something that helped. It said:

But even in the face of that darkness, your empathy is a kind of quiet resistance. The fact that you feel so much means your heart hasn’t hardened. That matters. That is light. You don’t have to fix the whole world. Just loving Kota the way you do, writing your blog to help others, showing up with kindness—that already shifts things more than you know.

The fact that we hurt, the fact that we care…. The fact that I used the word we means we are not just going to sit back and accept everything as if it’s okay. You can’t fix the world either, but you can be kind. You can support people and organizations that champion the cause you care about. I support the World Wildlife Fund, because animals and by extension their habitat, are very important to me. I can try to express my point of view compassionately, honestly, and respectfully. I can support other people who are also hurting.

This world may feel dark unkind and unjust, but it’s just a feeling. It doesn’t have to be fact. My dad has this quote he really likes that says “I cannot do all the good the world needs, but the world needs all the good that I can do” It’s not truly hopeless until we give up hope. So let’s keep caring, keep hoping, and keep doing all the good that we can do.

I’m going to end with the starfish story. It’s one of my favorites, and it’s by Loren Eiseley. It’s about a girl walking along the beach throwing starfish that washed up back into the water. This man sees her and asks what she is doing and the girl explains. He tells the girl there are so many starfish she can’t possibly save them all. The girl looks sad as she throws another one into the water, but then she says “Well, I saved that one!”.

Let’s find our starfish friends. Thank you for reading! It’s 11:19 and I’ve got an Easter Sunday service bright and early tomorrow, so I better get some sleep. Let me know your thoughts in the comments and be sure to subscribe so you never miss a post! Hang in there guys, and remember you are not alone.

Sincerely,
LIBD

assorted color star decor on maroon textile

#MusicMonday (Best Day of my life by Simple plan)

Posted on by LIBD

Surprise!!!! After writing frown, taking some time to be sad and angry, and getting a short but sweet pep talk from my friend. I think I wanna write it. Keeping in mind what I mentioned in last weeks post, I think it’s going to be a little different than what I thought I would write. That’s been how this entire series has gone though, so I’m not worried. I’ve been pleasantly surprised by how it’s turned out so far.

How many good things in my life have I missed out on
By not appreciated what I've got

A lot, but a long time a wrote a post where I mentioned how it’s hard to appreciate things you’ve always had. Until recently, I took for granted having my own space in my mom’s basement, it was just part of my life. I didn’t appreciate not having to think about every purchase I made and whether I could afford something or not. Since I moved in with my dad I’ve got 3 drawers and a foot and a half of closet space for my clothes, outside of work clothes and pj’s I’ve got maybe 4-5 summer shirts and 5-6 long-sleeve or hoodies. I never appreciated the variety I had to pick from. I’m so sick of wearing the same things over and over again.

Sometimes it's hard to see your lucky break for what it is
By only focusing on what it's not

I have this bad habit of always raising the bar. It started out if only I could drive my life would be better. Then it was if only I had a real job, I could be proud of myself. If only my blog had a few readers… If only my views were more consistent, I would be successful. If only I could get out of my mom’s house, I’d be better. Now it’s if only I had my own place I could be proud of myself. I never take time to be proud of myself, I just raise the bar in hopes of one day “having my life together”.

[Pre-Chorus Part 1]
But now I'm starting to see
That my happiness has always been up to me

Some days I do see it. We can’t control what happens to us, but we can control our reactions. For example: after my little crisis the other day, I could choose to focus on that or try to move past that and realize that what I was upset about doesn’t define myself or my life. It’s so hard though, but my life doesn’t have to suck if I don’t want it to. It’s good to be sad and it’s good to be angry, but I shouldn’t let those temporary feelings dictate whether my life is good or bad. It’s whatever I decide it will be today, and today I think I’ll stop being angry and sad about things that I can’t change.

[Pre-Chorus Part 2]
And now I'm starting to see
That I've already got what I need

When you reach the point where you can separate yourself from your feelings, you can look at it from a different perspective. I have a few perspectives that I tend to go back to. The ‘It could be worse’ perspective, the ‘look how far I’ve come’ perspective, or the ‘in the grand scheme of life, is this the hill I want to die on?’ perspective. It depends on the situation. It could be worse doesn’t really work because what I’m mad about isn’t necessarily something that could be that much worse. Looking at how far I’ve come might help, but I haven’t come nearly as far as I hoped, and that’s the problem.

The last one I think is my best bet given the situation. Out of all my problems, if this was the worst one, I wouldn’t even be mad about it. My life would have to be pretty great for this trivial matter to be the worst. I talked in the first post about people ruining your life, but problems and events can have the same power if we let them. Is this really the hill I want to die on. Is this really the thing that I’m going to let ruin my life. No, if anything is going to ruin my life, this is definitely near the bottom. I think it’s time to suck it up and move on.

[Chorus]
Today, I'll live like my glass is half full
There's light at the end of the tunnel
There's always a blessing in disguise
Or by your side
And I, I'm on the top of the world
I'm holding my chin up high
'Cause I'm livin' every day
Like it's the best f**kin' day of my life

I don’t think I could live every day like that. Realistically I don’t think any sane person could, but it’s a good reminder to step back and try to look at it from a different perspective. It’s not going to make it easier and it’s not going to make it go away, but it might make it smaller. I have a tendency when something is wrong to project that feeling on my entire life, but an Etsy shop with no traffic or views is hardly a reflection of my entire life as a whole. Just saying out loud sounds even stupider than I already know it was.

It's time to stop with all the judging by comparison
There's always someone who's got so much more

A lot of someone’s actually, somewhere out there though there’s also someone jealous of you. I promise. There are more successful people than me, there are more successful Etsy shops than mine, but there’s nobody else on earth who can be me better than I can. There’s no one on earth who could be you better than you can.

So what's the point of tryna keep up with it anyway?
Just live your life instead of keeping score
[Insert Pre-Chorus & Chorus]

Everyone’s got problems. Let’s not be jealous of other people’s problems just because they seem happy. Maybe I could be happy. Maybe I could be successful. Maybe I already am. The only reason I think I’m not, is because I use other people as a standard of what I think success looks like. If I take other people out of the equation, I’m just a person who tries really hard and has accomplished a lot. That’s something I think I could be proud of. I hope you can be proud of you too.

Every sunset, every wake
Every time I see your face
Moments I appreciate
I won't let them go to waste

If I can be mad that my Etsy shop isn’t doing well then can’t I also be impressed with how well I did at my last event? Why aren’t I? I can be mad that I don’t have my own horse, so why can’t I smile and remember all the time I spent with Melody and Sunshine. Why is it always the bad things I try so hard to hold onto?

Every high and every low
Every path and every road
Every moment, I'll embrace
I won't let them go to waste

I want to challenge myself whenever I think of something negative to think of something positive that has to do with whatever I was thinking about. What’s the point of good memories besides remembering them when life gets hard. When I’m sad they can remind me that I was also happy, when I think I’m failing they can remind me of my successes. When I think life sucks I can remember that it hasn’t always. It won’t make the feelings go away, but if nothing else it reminds us that there is hope.

Today, I'll live like my glass is half full
There's light at the end of the tunnel
There's always a blessing in disguise
Or by your side
And I, I'm on the top of the world
I'm holding my chin up high
'Cause I'm livin' every day
Like it's the best fuckin' day of my life
(Let's go)

I’m not going to feel happy every day, and not every day is going to be a good one, but at the end of the day the question I have to ask myself is this: Am I really going to let this moment or this feeling ruin my life? I’m not going to live every day like it’s the best day of my life, but I hope I can remember that for as bad as a moment might be, there was a moment that was just as good as this was bad. I read once that brains naturally tend to remember and focus on negative things. It’s not always easy to see a bright side. Life is difficult, and that will never change.

What can change is my perspective. There’s a time to scream and cry and be angry, but there’s also a time to remind my brain that this feeling doesn’t define my life. When I feel like a failure, I hope I can also remember the times I wasn’t. When life feels hopeless, I want to remember the time’s I had hope. When life feels meaningless, I hope I can remember the times it was meaningful. Maybe I won’t right away, as I’ve said many times it’s important to let yourself feel and process whatever you’re feeling. When we are done though I hope we can hold our chins up high and live each day like it’s not the worst day of our lives.

Sincerely,
LIBD

closeup photo of journal book and pencils

Intro: A Simple Plan for Living Life

Posted on by LIBD

Hello world!! A new series, can you believe it? I can’t, and I wrote it. I’m just kidding. How are you guys doing? It should be the end of July most likely when this is posted. How has your summer been going? These aren’t rhetorical questions, I am genuinely curious, so let me know in the comments. Anyway, that’s enough small talk. Let’s get this thing started!

Now the title sounds a little misleading. This series isn’t going to reveal the magic spell that’s going to solve all your problems and make you live happily ever after. Life will always be difficult, but recently I’ve had a change of perspective. It could just be a brief vacation from being constantly depressed, but whatever it is I’ll take it. And I want to write about it before I forget how life feels right now because it sucked for a LONG time. In the future, I’ll be able to look back and see that every storm no matter how bad, will eventually pass.

So you may have been tipped off by the title, but this is going to be a series of Music Mondays with some of my absolute favorite songs by Simple Plan. Part 1 is going to be a song called Ruin My Life (lol I know right?!). Part 2 will be their song Anxiety with a special shout-out to the movie Inside Out 2 because how could I not? Lastly, Part 3 will be going through their song Best Day of My Life. Then as per usual, we will wrap it up with an outro. I’m really excited to write this, and I hope you enjoy reading it.

This series will go over a lot of things I’ve been struggling with and my journey to becoming what my favorite YouTuber Charlotte Dobre calls “a recovering people pleaser”. I hope the thoughts and experiences that I share in the next few weeks can encourage others who may be dealing with something similar. Make sure you’ve subscribed so you get notified as soon as Part 1 is posted, and I will see you all On Monday!!

Sincerely,
LIBD

white string light

K-Quotes: The Sound of Magic

Posted on by LIBD

There’s this really….. Great? Yeah… it was a good show overall. It was a little too High School Musical, but I liked the story, and it had some excellent quotes. I would recommend it, but just be aware that it is part musical. Anywho, let’s get on with it. Today, there are three different quotes I want to reflect upon, but which one should I start with?

I’m not saying you should only do what you want. You should do whatever it is you want to do just as much as the things you don’t want to do.

Bro, that’s what I did this year. I didn’t even realize it until now. This quote has been sitting in my phone collecting metaphorical dust for like…. I don’t even know how long it’s been since I watched this. Better late than never though; am I right?! I don’t remember the context exactly, but I think she was saying that he needs to grow up and be more responsible. After all, when you grow up, you can’t just spend all day messing around and doing as you please. In the words of Cage the Elephant, “We got bills to pay, we got mouths to feed.” This first quote was his response.

Just because I’m an adult doesn’t mean I can’t still have fun and enjoy life. Which I’ve obviously embraced if the stickers and decals on my car are anything to go by. I went to concerts, and I’m going to see Liverpool play in July. I also got a second job to save up to move out next year. Maybe growing up doesn’t have to be a horrible thing after all. When I was a kid, my parents would have NEVER given me the Tomoon 2nd generation Fanclub membership kit. They definitely wouldn’t have let me have the 3rd gen membership almost 2 years later. When you grow up, get a job, and make money, you can buy whatever you want. Silver linings, am I right?!

“Now I know. No one in the world is crazy. They make you into a crazy person little by little if you don’t fit society’s standards.”

He was an odd duck; a few times, I wondered if maybe he was actually crazy. He did do some crazy things, and I do think he needed help, but I don’t think he was crazy. I think he was just weird, like me. Sometimes, people don’t want to be around weird people, and those people get lonely and maybe a little depressed, and they need help. This show reminded me that people aren’t born good, bad, normal, or weird; we are all shaped by our circumstances. It’s easy to say that someone is crazy, but have you ever tried to get to know them and maybe find out why they are the way they are?

When I first started working at the memory care facility, I was hired as a receptionist and tried to spend as little time as possible around the residents because I thought they were kind of weird and also I had heard some pretty crazy things. I didn’t want to take the time and try to get to know them as people. Some of them I don’t talk too much at all. They aren’t really that with it, and I have a job to do at the front desk, but many of them are really cool. I can make small talk if I pass them in the hallway, and sometimes I don’t know what they are talking about, but that doesn’t mean they are crazy. Just because someone thinks or acts differently than you do, doesn’t necessarily make them weird. Maybe I’m the weird one since I don’t understand what they are talking about. People don’t come with labels; they are given them by others. The last quote is this…

Her: What’s so great about magic anyway? What’s the point of getting your hopes up that it will all work out only to be disappointed shortly after?
Him: At least you get to smile, even if only for that moment.

This quote means a lot to me right now. I’ve often wondered what the point of allowing yourself to feel hopeful is. What’s the point of allowing yourself to be happy? It’s not going to last, so why bother, right? In my See U Tomorrow series, I talked about the special tomorrow. One day, there will come a day when you will be grateful you never gave up. Even if it’s just one day, and tomorrow everything is a trainwreck again, at least you had one day. This is why those days are important. I’m glad I made time to go to concerts and stuff. My life is still a mess, and nothing will change in the next few days, but during that concert, that long drive with a friend, that visit to the zoo, or decorating my car with stickers… For that little bit of time I can be happy, because just briefly, everything that’s going wrong in my life doesn’t matter.

Magic may not be real, but I don’t watch magic tricks because I think it’s real. I watch because I think it’s fun, and life isn’t, so it’s nice to have fun things in your life. It may only be for a moment, but isn’t it nice to feel good, even if only for a moment? I think it is. I would like to be happy if only for a second because 60 seconds is one whole minute. In the Kpop world, we have this phrase we use in the fandom. A lot of a little is a lot. When a new music video gets released, we stream it as much as possible to get a good score on music shows in the hopes of a win. Some people don’t because they think it’s too much work or they don’t have time to stream all day.

I always say if we have 2 people that stream it 20 times, that’s 40 views, but if we have 50 people that only watch it once, that’s 50 views, and if you count the 2 others, that’s 90 total. Some people think that streaming is a chore that has to be done constantly and they don’t want to bother. I often think that if anything is wrong, I can’t be happy, but a lot of a little is a lot. Just because my whole day wasn’t great doesn’t mean I can’t be happy. Happiness can happen anywhere at any time. You just have to allow yourself to acknowledge it.

I think that’s what he meant in the quote from my last post. You can be happy here and now, but only if you allow yourself to be right here, right now. Thank you for reading, and I hope you are doing well. Leave a comment and let me know what you think. Also, make sure you subscribe so you don’t miss out on any posts, and I’ll see you in two weeks!!

Sincerely,
LIBD

photo of person wearing neon green socks

Here, Now

Posted on by LIBD

Hello world!!! I’ve been decorating my car with cute kpop and BT21 decals. I’m not done yet, but I’m having fun. I am officially a 2 job person. 10/10 do not recommend, but I don’t really have a choice. I’m always tired, or sore, or angsty. I’m hoping I’ll get used to it soon.

I saw this movie a long time ago and loved it so much that I bought it as soon as it was released. It’s called Next Goal Wins. It’s about a soccer team that is bad, like REALLY bad. Not just “haven’t you ever heard of forward passing bad,” but atrocious. They lost 31-0, and I googled it in the theater because I didn’t believe it, but it’s true.

There’s a conversation near the end of the movie that really stood out to me. The coach (Thomas Rongen) will be C, and the guy he’s talking to (Tavita) will be F since he’s the head of FFAS…

C: What is it with you? Why are you always so positive? It’s sickening! You should coach them. They believe in you.
F: They believe in you, but you have to show them who you are!…  Ever since you got to our island, you’ve been somewhere else. Even now, you’re somewhere else. Maybe it’s in the past because you thought you were happier then. But I think you could be happy here now! But you’ve got to be here now.
C: I can’t win.
F: Then lose. But don’t lose alone; lose with us. And there’s always the second half. That’s another chance

Much like Mr. Rongen, I’m not a happy person. I also find excessive positivity sickening. It’s obnoxious sometimes, but I would never say it to someone’s face like he did. It’s funny because, with as much guilt and shame as I feel about the past, the thing I regret most is not appreciating how good I had it. It’s very unfortunate that only hindsight is 20/20. I often don’t realize the good in my life until it’s gone. Then I feel bad that I spent all that time worrying and being ungrateful when I could have just been happy.

I like the part when Tavita says, “Then lose. But don’t lose alone. Lose with us”. It reminds me of that quote from Ted Lasso when he says,” There’s only one thing worse than being sad, and that’s being alone and being sad.” They still had a second half to play, unlike Ted Lasso’s team, who had already lost.

I remember one time, Tottenham was losing 2-0 with only 15 minutes plus added time, and I decided to stop watching. Then, I got a notification that they scored. Then I got a notification that they scored again, and they ended up winning the game 3-2. I gave up before the game ended and missed an action-packed ending because I assumed there was no way we could come back from that with 15 minutes left. Now, I always watch till the end.

Sometimes in life, it feels like I just can’t win no matter what I do, and it’s easiest to just give up. 2 weeks ago, Tottenham played Man City, and it was a fabulous game. Not because we won. We didn’t, but it was a fantastic game because Tottenham refused to go down without a fight, and they fought till the very last second.

I’d seen them win games in which I couldn’t for the life of me figure out how they won with how poorly they were playing. This loss was still a win in my book. Back to the movie though. Soon after the conversation, the coach tells the players that they have reminded him that he’s always loved playing more than he loved winning.

When I got back into horseback riding after a long time away, I started out on this fantastic gelding named Jack. He was an absolute gem for me. I never understood when I saw other riders struggling to get him to listen. He was always an eager-to-please type of guy for me.

After my 3rd lesson, my instructor asked me how I liked Jack, and I told her, “He does everything I ask him to with no hesitation and no protest…” After a moment of silence, she asked if I was getting bored and wanted more of a challenge, to which I agreed, and that’s when I met Sunny.

She dumped me in the dirt on my second ride. I took a few months of some rocky rides and a few lessons in which neither me nor Sunny had a good time. But after we got used to each other, we became besties. She also listened very well, but there was always a bit of protest or hesitation to keep me on my toes. There was never a dull day with Sunshine. I hope if I ever get my own horse, I can find one like her. I haven’t seen her in at least a year, and I miss her so much.

I would give anything to go out and ride her again. I’ve always been what psychiatrists like to call a black-and-white thinker. I see no gray area. Things are either good or bad, and if it’s not good, then it must be bad. If my life isn’t great, then it must be horrible, and my psychiatrist has tried to explain gray areas to me, but I just don’t get it.

I think the coach in the movie had the same problem as I did. He knew what life was like when it was good, and since it wasn’t like that, then it had to have been bad because it obviously wasn’t good. I think I kind of get gray areas now.

One thing I’ve learned from Tottenham is that you can play great and lose, just like you can play poorly and win. I have to ask myself if I want to win or if I just want to play a good game. You can’t win every game. Even Argentina, who won the World Cup, lost one of their games. Manchester City lost to the Wolves this past season, which must have been a real embarrassment because they finished on the top of the board (The Wolves did not). You also learn more through losing than through winning. So if good isn’t always good and bad isn’t always bad, then maybe life just is.

I don’t know if this made any sense to you. I apologize if it was confusing but thank you to everyone who stuck with it until the end. What are your thoughts? Feel free to leave a comment and let me know. I’m trying really hard to stay consistent with my posting schedule, so I’ll see you in two weeks…… Lord willing, and the creek don’t rise, or however the saying goes. No, I’m not crazy; people do say that.

Sincerely,
LIBD

calm body of water

Almost Over by Aquilo

Posted on by LIBD

The song title may be confusing. This is the end of the series; it’s over; it’s just the song that’s Almost Over. I’m sorry my jokes aren’t on point right now. I can’t believe I wrote and scheduled all of this in 36 hours. I’m sorry I have to brag about that. Moving on, I shared this song on Facebook a long time ago when it first came out. One of my friends commented that it was really dark and depressing. I don’t think it is. I find it to be a very comforting song. I like songs that don’t tell you how or what to feel; they just make you feel what you are feeling. Whatever that emotion may be, and sometimes you just need to feel.

For all you know, we're broken pieces
I'm finding it hard to live
With something that won't last

It’s times like this that make me wish I never got better. It never lasts, and it makes times like this feel even worse. Even if I clean something, it will probably just get messy before I clean something else. Happiness doesn’t last, so why do I want to feel it again so bad? Maybe I’m just stupid.

For all you know
You're still my weakness
I'm finding it hard to
Fake a smile that I don’t have

It may be hard to fake a smile, but I am an incredible actor. No one has any idea that I’m dying inside. As I said, it’s not their problem, and it’s not like they can wave a magic wand to make it better. There’s no sense telling them; if I did talk to them about it, I would say…. “Just tell me I’m gonna be okay. Tell me I don’t suck.” Even if they told me though, it’s hard to know if people are nice to you because they believe it or they are trying to be nice. Maybe I’m just not nice.

[Chorus] Hold on
I've got a feeling like this is almost over
Hold on
I've got a feeling like we're almost done
We don't need this anymore
We don't need this anymore

Not only do I not need this. I don’t have time for this. I’m supposed to be getting my room clean. Saving money and praying every day that this one apartment I want will open up and my brother will still want to be my roommate until I get used to living on my own. I can’t be like this forever; I just can’t. Is this madness really almost over? Maybe that’s just wishful thinking.

We're both waiting for the moment
When one or the other
Cuts the light and locks the door
But in this limbo where we're frozen
We're not going anywhere
We're not who we were before

I hate how accurate that is. I hate being stuck in this in between. I’m not going anywhere; I’m not who I was before. Granted, who I was before wasn’t amazing, but this Erin is useless. 10/10 do not recommend. Maybe my psychiatrist is right, and I’m just spiraling.

[Chorus]
I've given everything [x3]
And it's over
I've given everything [x3]
And it's gone

It’s hard to explain that I’m trying hard when it doesn’t look like I’m trying. That’s the other reason I don’t like people to know. They’ll tell me what to do. They’ll tell me to shower more often and wash my face so I’ll feel better about myself. They’ll tell me to clean my room so it won’t constantly stress me out. They’ll tell me to just do one little thing every day so it’s not so overwhelming. Maybe they’ll tell me to eat ice cream and cry. The last one might actually help me if it didn’t make me feel like I’m not trying to be healthier. Do you think I’m incompetent? Don’t you think if it was that easy, then this series wouldn’t exist? Maybe I am Incompetent.

Hold on
I've got a feeling like it's almost over
Hold on
I've got a feeling like we're almost done

In the intro, I mentioned the book series that inspired this series. I’m sure the children in the story felt this way. Like surely, this awfulness can’t continue. I have to think they often hoped it was almost over, and each book did end. Each ending was just another calm before another storm. I don’t think any of the children had a major depressive disorder. Although surely that level of trauma would have a massive effect on someone psychologically. Maybe they were stronger than me.

We don't need this anymore [x4]
Hold on
I've got a feeling like this is almost over

The books get longer as the series goes on. The stories of the three siblings always got worse and worse until it suddenly wasn’t. Like I said in the intro, I only just finished book one, but maybe I can learn something. Misery loves company and all that. Even if this season of my life is almost over, I won’t know until it happens. I guess I’ll just hold on. I don’t have a feeling like this is almost over, but that doesn’t mean anything. Maybe one day, my life that’s so horrible will just suddenly not be horrible. Maybe it is Almost Over.

Thank you for reading. If anyone else is struggling, I hope your hard times are also almost over. Until then, all we can do is hold on because holding on is better than nothing. I wish you all the best. Stay safe, stay well, and let’s keep our fingers crossed for a better tomorrow.

Sincerely,
LIBD

top view photo of rocky shore

A New Chapter

Posted on by LIBD

Hey, y’all! So……… who’s sick of me venting about Oneus? Aww man, you are?! Well, I swear this will be the last time for a long while. I have a cold today, so I had to cancel the appt with my allergist that I’ve been waiting 3 months for, and I don’t get to hang out with my friend at the barn, which means no horse time for another 2 weeks. I really hate my life today. I just hope I’m better by tomorrow so I can go to work. Anyway, here it goes……

Today Tottenham played Burnley, and even though we were down by one in the beginning, we destroyed them. It was simply breathtaking to watch. And the fans……. They were so happy they got their team back. It’s only been a few games, but I hope we can keep up this energy and stay in the top 5. It was amazing. Last season was a hot mess, or at least the end of it was. I dreaded watching the games because it wasn’t pretty. Coincidently, I’m dreading Oneus’s next comeback (it’s when a group releases and promotes a new album). Because Oneus and Tomoons are a lot like Tottenham at the end of last season.

It wasn’t just that the players were a mess on the field a lot of the time. Fans were angry, getting mad, blaming the players, coaches, and team owner. Anyone that they possibly could to the point where I’d be like, “It’s no wonder they aren’t playing well; their fans are basically saying they suck and they’re hopeless.” Or they say they’ll stop being a fan. Maybe some of them did. Oneus doesn’t suck, but the fandom has been a mess since Ravn left. Fans have abandoned the fandom to support Ravn; they are blaming other people for making him feel like he had to go and blaming RBW for letting it all happen. Their last comeback was a mess. I was dreading it like a match from last season, and it was equally painful to sit through and watch it unfold. I want to blame the fans who abandoned them, who bailed on the fandom. But how would that make me any different from them?

Just like with Oneus, Tottenham was kind of falling apart, too. Their coaches kept stepping down, so they didn’t have consistent coaching. They gave it their best, but it wasn’t enough with everything else that was happening. Maybe they would have done better if the fans were more supportive, but we’ll never know. Just like we’ll never know if Ravn would have stayed had they not taken him out of the fan chant. But it’s done, and it may be a mess, but it is what it is, and they are doing their best. Today though, I saw my team win 2-5, and I saw the fans going crazy and cheering. The pride in the faces of the players and their fans reminded me of how Oneus and Tomoon (that’s the fandom) used to be. It was beautiful. It made me sad.

It made me sad because I don’t know if we will ever be like that again. Then I got angry. I got angry because of how some fans just abandoned them to start a new fandom for Ravn, where everyone agreed, and everything was as perfect as it could be. I felt like they left us to try to clean up the mess that was our beloved fandom. That was Ryan Mason’s job for Tottenham, but with the season winding down and all the chaos, there’s only so much he could do. This year, we got a new coach, and they are playing better than ever. I can’t wait to watch the matches now. I wished Tomoons could just get a new coach, and at that moment, I knew the one person who could help me… Ted Lasso!

He has this fantastic speech when Dani accidentally kills their mascot. It’s a sad story, but in the end, he said something that really got me thinking and could just be the one thing that would help me heal. He says,

It’s funny to think about the things in your life that can make you cry just knowing that they existed can then become the same thing that makes you cry, knowing that they’re now gone. I think those things come into our lives to help us get from one place to a better one.

Ted Lasso

I may never get back Oneus how it used to be, but maybe I don’t need to. I hope one day Oneus and Tomoons can smile and be proud like Tottenham and their fans were today, but even if that’s impossible, I must accept that it’s okay. I have a great job now. I’ve come a long way in terms of my mental health. I can drive, and I make phone calls now. And it was my experience with Oneus that got me here. They encouraged me so much and gave me many good and happy memories with them and my fellow Tomoons. Even if it’s not really Oneus, maybe I can make new memories with them as they enter this new chapter in their career.

It’s funny when everyone was falling apart and in shock at the situation; I was the one who was like, “We’ll get through this. It may be different, but different isn’t always bad. Let’s just support them all the best we can during this difficult time.” But now that everyone else has made peace with it, I’m the one who’s falling apart. Maybe I don’t need to though. There are friends, horses, and experiences that I miss a lot. However, they too, helped me get from one chapter of my life to the next. I can be sad. I should be sad about losing something that meant so much to me, but I can’t be sad about it forever. They got me to this next chapter, so perhaps it’s time to start living it. I’ll always have the memories, but it’s time to make more.

That’s what I want to do. Sure, the last chapter had a TON of good parts that I would love to read over and over again, but that’s not how I’ll grow as a person. I’ll only grow by moving forward. I can still take Oneus with me into this new chapter; it’ll just be a little different, but honestly, work keeps me pretty busy anyway. I hope to make this new chapter as good, if not better, than the last, but I can’t just assume it will be horrible. I don’t know how it will unfold until I face and start living it.

Thank you for reading! Oneus just announced a new comeback yesterday. I’m getting back into voting and streaming and ready to have a good time and make new memories with this new Oneus. I’m still low-key hoping to see Ravn in the group teaser photo just so I could watch all the haters lose their minds and eat their words, but I have no doubt karma will catch up to us all eventually. Anyway, I hope you are doing well, and if not, keep hanging in there and remember I’m always cheering for you. Go You!!!!

Sincerely,
LIBD

label cut out papers on the cardboard

Killing myself… with kindness

Posted on by LIBD

I’m a week late!!!!! I was doing so well keeping up with my posting schedule. With my new job I may have to aim for once a month for now. I finally found the inspiration to write something. It’s not long, but as I said in one of my previous posts… Anything is better than nothing.

I sometimes reach a level of frustration, which causes an automated response. It occasionally happened with customers that couldn’t make up their minds or were being difficult where I stared at them dead in the face and thought, “you make me wanna kill myself.” Me and my other coworker who suffered from depression joked about it a lot. It got worse with driving, though, I’ll be stuck behind some moron, and I’m in my car yelling, “Do you want me to kill myself?” I never mean it. It’s like yelling the F word; it’s the only thing that can express that level of anger and frustration. I’m not violent, and I feel bad breaking things, so hostile words and phrases are my only outlet, and it feels good to let it out. Could it be passive suicidal ideation? No, the thought of death terrifies me once more, so that’s a good sign. I’m just overly dramatic with my road rage.

I recently had an appt. with my psychiatrist, and we had the most unusual conversation. I was going on and on about everything I wasn’t doing. And she kept bringing up everything I was doing, and eventually, this is where the conversation went. I’ll put my words in italics;

I just don’t know what to do! I think you do know what to do. You know all the answers; you just don’t like them, but I think you know the right answer. But if I’m nice to myself, then I’m telling myself that having a messy room is okay, which I mean it is, but I feel like I’m allowing myself to be subpar. Erin, would you say any of this to a friend? Of course not I’d slap them silly if I knew they even thought any of this about themselves. Okay, so maybe you should extend that courtesy to yourself and give it a try. You have a lot to be proud of, so be kind to yourself and try to work on showering even if you can’t be bothered to wash your hair. That’s true. That’s why dry shampoo exists. Alright, I give the whole kindness thing a try. Clearly, shaming and criticizing myself isn’t working either.

So I tried it, and the first day was pleasant and very relaxing. I even picked up the trash without guilting myself into doing it. Today I washed the dishes. Tomorrow I’m hoping to shower and return an Amazon package to kohls. Today is going better than yesterday though. Yesterday around this time in the evening, it all went to shit. I started getting tense and anxious, pacing and thinking of everything I needed to do, and I tried thinking about everything I’d done and could be proud of. But all I could think was, I need to do this, I should do this, I need to do that, I shouldn’t have done this, I need to be perfect…

And I realized then how much of a problem I had. I woke up to a better-ish day today, but I would say both sides of my brain have reached an agreement. The mean side won’t keep hating if the nice side doesn’t start cheerleading. Considering how my first day ended, peaceful neutrality is a good place to start.When my brain starts going all perfectionist on me, it brings up the F word ‘you make me wanna kill myself’ anger, so I’ve decided to try to kill myself with kindness. After all, if there’s one thing I’ve learned from Roy Kent in Ted Lasso, it’s that there’s no bad feeling that can’t be overcome by cursing loudly and angrily. It’s weird though. It’s so dull when I’m not shaming and berating myself all day. I don’t know what to do with all this free time. I should have done laundry (see, there I go again. I didn’t even notice until I was editing), but if I’m this bored today, I’m sure I’ll have no problem staying busy tomorrow.

Sincerely,
LIBD

man holding black game controller

Beating the Game

Posted on by LIBD

I was talking to a friend about how complicated life can sometimes be. She said she was trying to learn to enjoy the happy moments along the way. We talked about how difficult it can be to find the line between happiness and responsibility. If we ever figure it out, I promise to share it with you guys. There are all these responsibilities when you become an adult though. It’s like I have a to-do list that never really ends. More stuff just gets added on whenever I start checking things off.

It’s hard though. I think the feeling of wanting to solve all your problems and fix everything is a pretty common one. I was thinking about all of this. Trying not to take life so seriously, just enjoying it but still being responsible… Then something popped into my head. A few weeks ago, my brother fell off the face of the earth. No one could get him to answer the calls or texts. My parents were getting really worried, but he had texted me 5 days before about the new Harry Potter game he had started. My brother works a lot, so not answering every call or text isn’t unusual. However, after another week, even I started to get worried.

Finally, my mom threatened to have the cops come to check on him if he didn’t respond to someone, and a few hours later, I got a text saying he beat that whole game. It’s not surprising that he would get that invested in a game; I just didn’t know he was that passionate of a Harry Potter fan.

It’s rare for my brother to totally beat a game because most of his favorite games are open-ended. Like, he can get to the highest level, but even then the game doesn’t really end; there are always more things to do. I was kind of disappointed though. Did he even have time to enjoy the game and get into it, or was he just rushing through levels to beat it? That’s like skipping through an episode you can’t be bothered to watch so you can get the gist and be done with it.

I realized though I treat life the same way my brother treated that game. I know what needs to be done. I want to do it all, get it over with, so I can “beat the game.” I realized that’s where the line is between letting yourself be happy and staying responsible. Beating the game is the end goal for everyone; that’s why we play, but we can’t forget it’s a game.

An example of what I think is a responsible balance is this: I play Hogwarts mystery, and there’s a main storyline you follow along with side quests, in-game activities, and magizoology. Sometimes during the side quests and stuff, I’m so focused on finishing them to get back to the main story that I don’t know what it was about. I skip through the dialogues so I can move on and finish them. I think that’s what it’s like when we focus too hard on our responsibilities.

On the other hand, other times, I’ll get so caught up taking care of creatures and earning more books to unlock more creatures that I forget there’s an actual story to complete. I can’t spend all my time playing mini-games or trying to unlock new creatures. I’m not making any real progress whatsoever.

My brother has played a game called RuneScape since middle school. He’s at the highest level and has unlocked all these fancy, rare things that only the most elite players can get. Apparently, they keep adding levels to the game. Once they add another one, he’ll do whatever you do in that game to get to the next level. In between, he just messes around in the game doing random stuff while he waits for a new level. Ideally, that’s how I want to live my life. Keep up with responsibilities so I can truly enjoy all the perks. Do I ever think I will get there? I don’t know.

There’s a sense of loss I’ve found though, when you beat a game. That’s why I don’t like to hurry through games. It’s not just because I’m bad at them. Some games are challenging too. We used to have Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets on our Xbox, and there was one part I never ended up beating. I just couldn’t do it no matter how many times I tried. My brother beat it on his file or whatever they called different user accounts.

After he completed that, he later got stuck on the level with the spiders. I beat it for him. He again struggled with defeating the basilisk, enlisted my help again, and I beat that one too. I helped him win the whole game but was always stuck on that one level. I don’t think I ever asked him to help me, or maybe he couldn’t do it again.

I think at times, we get stuck. Trying to overcome this mountain of responsibility, we feel frustrated and give up. That’s the time it’s most important to remind yourself it’s just a game or it’s just life. It doesn’t have to be serious. If you are stuck, give yourself a break for a day. Be kind to yourself and enjoy the little things life has to offer. Then try again.

You may still be stuck like I am right now, and that’s okay. My problems will still be there tomorrow. Physically at this moment, I cannot do the things I need to do. I’m already in bed while writing this, so changing my sheets clearly isn’t going to happen. Financially I will pay off what I can this paycheck, and once I’ve done all that I could possibly do at this moment, I’m going to try to just be happy.

Should I clean my room? Yes. I know that. Lately, I’ve been tired and stressed about how I look because even though I haven’t gained much weight, I can’t stand to look at anything but my face in the mirror. The mess will still be there when I’m ready to clean it, but until that happens, I will take it 24 hours at a time.

If I do nothing, I hope to genuinely enjoy and appreciate that time. In the mindset app, I hear or read (I’m not sure which) “you are worthy of rest,” and honestly, still just reading it feels wrong, but you know what? I’m gonna make that my mantra, and I’m going to keep telling myself that until the day I actually believe it.

Problems and responsibilities are much easier to deal with when we are in a good place mentally. This brings me to another thing I’ve heard multiple times from the mood check-in AI “prioritize your mental health and well-being,” “be gentle with yourself,” “focus on your progress,” and all these things that I’m honestly not used to hearing.

When I think of responsibilities, I think of work, bills, independence, and a clean living space. However, I think our most significant responsibility should be to ourselves. We are humans with feelings, and I will try to add myself to my to-do list. I’m not a machine. I shouldn’t feel bad when I’m too overwhelmed to deal with life. I can enjoy doing nothing without feeling so ridiculously guilty and ashamed.

I hope this brought you comfort if you are struggling. Thank you for reading, and let’s all do our best to ensure we are responsible for ourselves. Maybe you already are, but if you are like me and are bad at it, I encourage you to keep those quotes in the back of your mind. Don’t forget I’m always cheering for you, and I hope you have a good week.

Sincerely,
LIBD