Tag: motivation

four person standing at top of grassy mountain

Bathroom Dance Parties

Posted on by LIBD

What an odd title, huh? I promise it will all make sense by the end. I’m writing this on the last day of January, I think. I don’t actually know what day it is. I was feeling sick this morning, but after a nap, a few good meals, a shower, fresh sheets, and an early bedtime, I hope I’ll be better tomorrow. I finally started working out. I don’t have room for my workout table, so until I can clean and make room for it, I am doing step aerobics and an arm workout. I have discovered something while doing this. I have the stamina of a potato and the arm strength of a baby chick, but that just means there’s nowhere to go but up.

Are any of you familiar with the conqueror challenges? They are virtual journeys. They have actual trails and stuff, but I am currently journeying through Middle earth. I just completed the Shire, so that medal should be coming in the mail sometime this week. Edit: It came! If you follow me on Facebook or Instagram, you saw it a while ago, I love it!!! Anyway, they have an activity converter too, so my step aerobics count as part of the distance. They have all activities on the converter list, including household chores, mowing the lawn, and horseback riding, which will be great for lesson nights. Also, because it is The Lord of the Rings, riding will add some authenticity to the journey. If anyone is interested, it says that this; https://www.theconqueror.events/r/EC9701, will get you 10% off. That’s my referral code, and if you refer 2 people, you’ll get a free challenge. I don’t have a deal with them or anything; I just really love it, and it gives me a reason to be excited about working out. Also, I want a free challenge. They just released Aragorns journey in Return of the Kings, so once I drop the ring into mt doom. I want to do those next.

I also started eating healthier. I have an app where I can log all the foods I eat, to ensure I stay within my daily limits. It’s funny; before, I had tried many apps, habit trackers, or anything to help me be healthier and take care of myself, including a scheduling app. I’m still brushing my teeth AND washing my face every day, and I always snooze my alerts for that stuff. I guess all I needed was to not be depressed anymore. It feels so good to feel good about life. I mentioned in the previous post about the mindset app and how I had started listening to Eric Nam’s mindset, and I’m still getting through it. I turn it on while I wash my face and brush my teeth, and the episode I listened to tonight had a very unique ending. He said every once in a while, you just need to have a dance party and started playing some random dance party music, and I did. I danced along, smiled, trying to apply eye cream while dancing was difficult, but then halfway through, he was like, “… and smile. Smile big. Put the… I don’t know what it’s called the edges of your mouth up”.

Here’s the thing about me. I’m not a smiley person, but I did, and I felt so goofy in my pajamas with my fluffy spa headband on, smiling like an idiot. But once I started, it was hard to stop. I realized I always take life so seriously, but it doesn’t have to be. It can be goofy and fun too. I think that was good advice. I’m gonna try to have dance parties more often. I can’t wait to finish the series. He’s got such a way with words. I love people that talk to you and not at you. That’s how I try to write my blog. I don’t like when people who know everything try to impart all their smartness on me. I zone out. Woosung and Eric talk to you like a fellow human, not as someone who needs their wisdom, even though I’ve found it to be super helpful. It’s hard to describe, but I like that type of communication. Am I making any sense? Oh well, moving on.

Everything is a mess because I’m working like crazy to prepare for the craft event. I’m so grateful not only to you guys, who have encouraged me but to my family members as well. My mom and her husband paid for the business cards I designed. My grandma is offering to buy the tabletop displays, and my dad and his wife told me to make a nice poster/sign for my business, and they would get it for me. I’m still scared, but I’m also really excited. If it goes well, I should be able to break even on my expenses and pay off my credit cards. I don’t have ‘happy anxiety’ anymore. I’m just glad I’m happy and starting to take care of myself and make something of my life which really has been all I’ve ever wanted.

I just realized I’ve spent this whole time talking about myself and didn’t even say hello! How rude of me! How are you? Is anything exciting going on? I hope you are finding things to smile about, but if not, I would definitely give bathroom dance parties a try. If life is hard, remember to be kind to yourself. Take it 24 hours at a time, and if all you do is get through the day, then that is something to feel proud of. When I was struggling, it was so hard, but struggling isn’t a sign of weakness. Like Charlie Mackesy wrote, “asking for help isn’t giving up. It’s refusing to give up.” Asking for help is being strong and brave enough to say, “I can’t go this alone, but I don’t want to keep living like this.” I just made that sound so easy, but if you are a long-time reader, you know what a long road it has been for me to get here. Just remember, you deserve to be happy and loved. Most importantly, you deserve to be able to be excited about life.

I feel bad writing about when I’m happy because I know when I was depressed, I hated hearing about how happy other people are, but just know one day you will get there too. And all the hurt and tears and pain are worth it when you remember what it’s like to enjoy life. Eric Nam talked about “the process” I might have written about this in the last one, but it was a good reminder. Just because it’s not good doesn’t mean it’s terrible. We have to go through difficult times to get to where we want to be. So never give up because you are more than whatever you are going through now. And I’m cheering for you, and I hope you are cheering for you too.

Sincerely,
LIBD

iphone near spiral book and laptop

Regaining Control

Posted on by LIBD

Hey y’all! How goes it? How’s the new year treating you? Hopefully you said good, but if not, that really sucks, and I’m sorry your year is going poorly. I hope this blog post can help you. I’ve started writing stuff ahead of time, so I can post more consistently.

I’m writing this on January 24th. Honestly, my year is off to a good start for once. I’m also trying to be proactive, though. I’m trying to keep my mental health in check so that even if it gets bad, I can deal with it without spiraling into depression.

I just told someone I can’t talk on the phone, but I can text. They don’t need to know that the reason why I can’t is that I can’t be bothered. I don’t want to talk sometimes though. I do cherish my alone time. I’m making more jewelry, and I’ve been listening to Woosungs mindest series for the past few days. Mindset is like the calm app but WAY cheaper, and I like it better. Woosung, aka Sammy, is the lead singer/guitarist for The Rose.

I wanna start by saying thank you to Woosung. It’s not easy to be open and honest about your life, but he was, and the things he said helped me a lot. One of my favorite parts was an extra thing he did when talking about dealing with controversy. He said he admired people who were faced with a problem, and even though it was probably annoying and inconvenient, they focused on how they could fix it and go on with their life. He mentioned something that I’ve said numerous times. I say it differently than he does, and since it’s my blog, I will use my own words.

I say this to my coworkers all the time (not out loud, just in my head), “I’m sorry your life sucks, but it’s really not my problem, so if you could just do your job with a smile instead of ruining everyone else’s day that’d be great.” And out of all my shortcomings, that is the one thing I try not to do since I have been on the receiving end. When I’m having a bad day, I leave it all at home. As much as I wish everyone else could be miserable with me, that would make me what Woosung so elegantly referred to as “a negative a** person.” I laughed so hard. I don’t know why I found it to be so hilarious.

He also inspired me to start eating healthy and making a serious effort to care for myself. So far, I’ve brushed my teeth 3 nights in a row and washed my face last night AND this morning, AND I showered today!! I don’t even know who I am anymore. It’s awesome. He said something that normally would have been…. Triggering isn’t the right word; more like, ‘hell no.’ He talked about how if you don’t like something about your life, you can change it, but I looked at it a little differently this time.

In the past, it made me mad when people said that because I couldn’t just stop being depressed, but I realized that wasn’t it. If I don’t like the fact I’m not losing weight, then I can eat better. I’m trying to eat lots more vegetables and cut back on snacks and junk food. Today I had a salad for breakfast and a veggie sub for lunch….. but then for dinner, I had a double cheeseburger, potato teasers, and a hot fudge peanut butter milkshake, but even that is an improvement. He said once your body get’s used to healthier foods, it’s easier to stay away from the unhealthy stuff. And I feel so tired after that dinner, so clearly, it was a bad idea, haha.

If I don’t like my messy room, I can clean it. Still, cleaning is sometimes hard for me, so even if I don’t clean it, I can remind myself that it’s just a room and the mess has no effect on my life despite being a mild annoyance. Sometimes when I’m depressed, it feels like my life is out of control, but that’s not true. Sure, there are things we cannot control, but we can control how we react and deal with those things. When I’m depressed, I can think about how horrible my life is, or I can say to myself, “I’m depressed, and that sucks, so if I’ll I do is watch tv, then I should at least enjoy that.”

I think that’s where I always got it twisted. I try to change situations instead of finding a better way to deal with the situation. I want to hold onto all of these things as the year continues, and hopefully, by the time this is posted, I will still be doing okay. I highly recommend the Mindset app. It has a daily check-in and stories from various people sharing their struggles, things they’ve learned, and how they’ve gotten where they are today. This will sound terrible, but the thing that gave me the most comfort when I was depressed was hearing stories about other people’s struggles. I’m sorry that anyone has to go through difficult periods, but when I’m depressed, I feel so alone. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who feels like that, and if they got better, then maybe I can too. I think I really am this year, but it’s still early, so we’ll see.
Thank you for your reading; please give it a like and subscribe. Comments are always welcome as long as you aren’t a negative a** person. Thank you for the kind comments; it really makes my day! I hope you guys are doing well, and I’m cheering for all of you and wishing you the best. Let’s all try to have a good year and look after our mental health. Thank you to Woosung, the mindset app, all my friends, and all of you readers and subscribers. I’m genuinely grateful to each and every one of you.

Sincerely,
LIBD

shallow focus of clear hourglass

Time

Posted on by LIBD

A better name for this series would be time, but oh well. Anyway, I bought an emotional first aid kit at a little boutique in southern Ohio. Almost any problem you can think of it can give you some food for thought and words of wisdom. As I was sifting through it for the first time, I saw a bunch of cards that I moved to the front to read when I had time. At the Top of One card, I saw it said, ‘Time is running out.’ It’s like an hourglass in the back of my mind reminding me I’m getting older and older, and my life is so uneventful and lame and boring. I was so happy to have answers, but the answers were not what I had expected.

I watched a Christmas movie the other day. This lady who falls and hits her head gets a ct scan and discovers she has a disease that causes tumors to form in her brain and has an estimated 3 weeks to live. This lady had been living her life like me. She had hobbies, goals, and dreams, but she also had a job and was perfectly content to let the possibilities be just that. When she hears she has only 3 months to live, she packs her bags, goes on a fancy expensive trip with all the money she’s accumulated so far in life, and starts speaking her mind. I know movies exaggerate real life, but that was like a 2-week trip, but it was a trip of a lifetime. Then she finds out that she’s not dying, and their ct machine has an error that makes tumor-like dots appear on all scans. Then she falls in love with the guy she has a crush on and lives happily ever after.

You’re probably thinking, “What on earth does that have to do with anything.” Actually, if you are a frequent reader, you aren’t thinking that at all you are thinking, “Stop talking and get on with it,” so calm down I am. My point is I’m always waiting to live my life. I’ve written about this before, but if I want to live a meaningful life, I have to find meaning where I am. The world cup just ended, and Argentina won!!!!!!!! I was so happy, and y’all know how much I love quotes. Messi seems like a smart dude, and it turns out he is because I found one quote I really loved. “Every time I start a year, I start with the objective of trying to achieve everything without comparing it to how I’ve done in other seasons.” With a new year just beginning, it’s no wonder I loved it so much. I’m going to try that this year. I don’t play soccer or do sports, but I will try and make the most of this year.

So often, I have this idea of how I think a “good” year would be. If it’s not matching that vision, I give up and automatically declare it another wasted year. This brings me to another quote, “I go out and do the best I can in each game, and I don’t think about the fouls other players will commit or whether I might be injured. It only does you harm to worry about those things.” I told you he was a smart dude. However, worry is my middle name, so it’s gonna take some practice. That’s how I need to approach life. There’s no time to think of those things in a soccer match when you’ve got the ball. The only thought on your mind is how to get it past the other team into the goal. Life isn’t always as fast paced and intense, so there’s lots of time to worry about anything and everything. Also, he wouldn’t have the answer even if he thought about it. He can’t see the future, so it makes sense he wouldn’t think about it.

Sometimes I think my worries turn into a prophecy. For example, I think if I sing in front of other people, I will mess up and embarrass myself, so I don’t do it henceforth I won’t embarrass myself. I never stop to think that it’s not a guaranteed outcome; it’s just a worst-case possibility. I don’t know about you, but I often plan my life using my worries as a factual guide, which they aren’t. It reminds me of a quote from my favorite book, “Imagine how we would be if we were less afraid (The Boy, The Mole, The Fox, and The Horse).” It can be scary because you don’t know whether or not your fears will be realized until it’s too late. Such is life, though; if we want to truly live, we can’t let fear control our lives.

You all know I’ve been overcoming my fear of jumping. At my last riding lesson of the year, we had a chance to jump, and it was just like Messi said; I didn’t think about the fact I might fall off. I thought to myself there’s the jump; we know what to do, so let’s do it. I could’ve fallen off. I didn’t jump for the longest time just because of that possibility. It’s actually a lot of fun, and while we aren’t spot on every time, she doesn’t refuse anymore and doesn’t come back to a walk. Even if she doesn’t jump, she’ll pick up her feet enough to trot over it.

One last quote of his before I finish “The best decisions aren’t made with your mind, but with your instincts” I know my mind is trying to be helpful, but it really isn’t. I remember getting tickets for the meet and greet with Oneus. My brain had 100 reasons why I really didn’t need to do it. I have social anxiety; I might embarrass myself; what if they hate me? So many scenarios that didn’t end well for me. But then I had a split second where I thought, “but it’s oneus, so how bad could it be.” So I clicked buy and completed the purchase before I remembered why I shouldn’t, and it was actually….. It could have been a LOT worse. The advantage of horseback riding and soccer is that you must rely on your instincts. They can’t stop in the middle of the field and pause the game until they figure out how they’re gonna score. In horseback riding, I talk out loud to myself when I’m riding up to the jump, so I don’t think. I’ll say, “We got this. We are lining up with the jump, keeping leg on, eyes up, not looking down, and leg leg leg two point”. Then it’s over, and we survived. I know how to jump, and I’m perfectly capable, but sometimes my mind overpowers my instincts.

I want to live life. Really truly live this year, so I have to start trusting myself. Even if things go wrong, I need to accept that that’s a part of life. It’s going to be scary, and I can’t be sure that the outcome will be positive, but maybe if I trust myself and stop letting my fears control me, I can make the most of each day of my life, and the time won’t fly by. Or at least if it does, I’ll have more happy memories along the way. I always joke that I’ve been riding long enough to know how to not fall off. I’m sure I will again at some point, but I don’t think about it (unless I’m jumping). I’m trusting Sunny and myself and doing better than ever. I think life is the same way. This may be my first life, but I’ve lived enough to know how to at least pretend I know what I’m doing, so if I trust myself, who knows? Maybe I’ll surprise myself.

Thank you so much for reading. I hope to see you again for the last part of the series!

Sincerely,
LIBD

macro photography of red rose

Healing

Posted on by LIBD

Hey guys!! I’m finally back! If you follow me on Twitter, you will know that Oneus got 4 wins!!! I wanted to make them cry, and we did, lol. Now they have a total of five. The Music Bank win was emotional for all of us. I don’t think there was a dry eye among Oneus or Tomoons. Anyway, even more, exciting K-pop news… The Rose is back!!!!!!! After a long, long time, they are back with a light stick, a tour, and a brand-new album!!!! Y’all, this album……. Damn. It’s soo good, guys, literally soooooo good. I listened to it all day the day it came out over and over and over again. If you haven’t figured it out by now, this post will be about their new album, so I would like to dedicate this post to them.

For the longest time, I thought if I could just get my life together, then everything would be okay. Once I got a job and my license and learned how to make phone calls without having a panic attack, I thought that would solve everything. I even buy my own groceries, just like a real adult. Which is why I think I was feeling so depressed. I had marked off my entire to-do list, but nothing changed; I still wasn’t happy. That magic feeling that I was hoping to feel never came.

The day the album was released, I started listening to it right away. The title of the album is Heal. I cried a bit; the lyrics were so honest and comforting. I’ve always said their music feels like a warm hug, but it was especially true with this album. I could quote 2 paragraphs worth of song lyrics like I did on Twitter the other day, but I won’t. Which means you will have to go listen to all the songs yourself. There was one song I kept coming back to, and it was their song, Cure. The one part I just couldn’t get out of my head goes…

"I just wanna feel the world
Around me more and more
Cause everybody fears the one
The one thing they can't cure
Just tear the page
Spoken parts
Broken pieces of our hearts
To find a way to heal the world
Without a single word
Recover us"

It reminded me of a line from another song that I realized is no longer stuck in my head now that all these new songs have taken up residence. It was a line from the song ‘All our Lives’ by Andrew McMahon. It says,

“There are only two mistakes that I have made. It’s running from the people who could love me the best and trying to fix a world that I can’t change.”

All our Lives

I wanted to fix my life. I tried to fix everything around me, hoping it could fix everything inside of me. I thought if I could just get my life together, then I would be better, but that isn’t how it works.

No amount of outward success can heal me on the inside. I think that’s where healing starts; the inside. You can stand under an umbrella, but it’s not going to make the rain disappear. Healing is tricky though. It’s hard accepting your mistakes, forgiving yourself, and learning to love the person I am. A person whom, by the way, I’ve been at odds with for my entire life. Part of it is that I don’t know how to forgive myself. I don’t know how to make peace with myself and appreciate myself as I am. Someone close to me just told me that I don’t care enough about other people and only put myself first. My friends assured me they were being ridiculous, but they weren’t totally wrong. I am self-centered. When I go out of my way to do stuff for other people, it’s exhausting. I’m not good enough to be proud of myself.

I feel so stupid when I make the littlest mistakes. I’m so good at giving advice and so bad at taking it. These are the things I’m talking about though. Even if I have a fantastic job, get married, and have my own house. None of that is going to fix the storm going on within me. I want to like myself. I want to not be so critical and hard on myself. There’s a part in another song on the album called Time, which goes like this…

Time will heal us
Oh, know the healing won't be overnight
Countless nights crying over mights
Oh yeah, know the healing will take time
Start dealing with it now.

That’s why I want to start dealing with it now. I need to make peace with myself if I want to be the best I can be. It might take time, but I’ve got the part about countless nights of crying down, so I guess that’s a good start? I ordered their album. I hope they included a step-by-step guide to healing. It’s funny that the girl who spent the last 4 years in therapy doesn’t know how to heal herself. Maybe I’ll ask a psychiatrist at the next appt. It’s getting late though, so I better get some sleep.

Also, I’m going to try to get started on the next series soon. I’ve got a plan; I just need to start writing, so keep an eye out for that. I hope you enjoyed this, and please listen to their album and pay attention to the lyrics. I hope it can comfort any of you who may be struggling just like it did for me. I hope you all are well, but that’s okay even if you aren’t. I’ll be here cheering for you, so let’s all do our best this week. I would like to point out that I didn’t tell you to have a good week; I said let’s do our best. That means even if your week isn’t good, it doesn’t have to be bad, either.

That was very cryptic, I know. Thank you so much for reading. Please like, subscribe, or leave a comment. I know I say I’m not nice, but that’s just because I know a lot of nice people. I also know a lot of not-nice people, and I promise I’m not that bad. Also, I’m shallow like a kiddy pool, so comments are almost as exciting as receiving a surprise gift.

Sincerely,
LIBD

#MusicMonday (Still Dream by Woojin)

Posted on by LIBD

First off shout out to Woojin! If you love K-pop you HAVE to listen to this album. It’s so good, and there is not a single song I don’t like. I love how personal it is too. You can tell he really poured his heart into it, and that’s not an easy thing to do. I almost didn’t post part 3 because it’s scary to open up about struggles and life and be so honest about it. He did though and it’s great so make sure you check out his album. This translation is from klyricsforyou.com, so shout out to them as well for their amazing translations.

Even within danger
My dream has beautifully blossomed
It’s faraway but even in the darkness
There is always a way

I think people exaggerate the concept of dreams. I want to continue to dream though. Because without dreams, what is life? Life is inspired by dreams, and that’s why we need them. I think it’s important though, to be realistic about dreams. Dreams are meant to be lived, not achieved. Any second I’m blogging, I’m living my dream. Every riding lesson, I am living another dream. So, what if I’m not a world-famous blogger? Who cares if I’m not a Grand Prix level Equestrian? Have you seen how high those jumps are?! They look terrifying! I need to give myself more credit for every little step I take.

I know this but I’m always nervous
My days that are always headed toward you
Dance above the waves
But I, oh, I still
Still dream

I am a little nervous. It’s hard for me to wake up with a brand-new outlook because, as I expressed in the last post, what if it doesn’t work? I can make it work though. Today I worked with one of my favorite co-workers and worked more on this post! It feels good to enjoy life again, which means being content with growth, however small it may be.

Chorus: I’m shouting and running to you
Even if I’m falling right now
Fly, toward you

I know it won’t instantly be perfect, but hopefully, I can keep getting better, working harder, and dreaming bigger. The members of Oneus wanted to be idols. They became idols, and now their dreams keep getting bigger. Yes Ravn, Tomoons have been listening, and we will do our best to help you conquer billboard next.

Chorus continued:
Endless darkness chases after me
Even if it drenches my wings
Fly, even farther, I’ll go

Whenever I’m feeling down, I will think of Oneus and Woojin. They never gave up even when it got hard; eventually, hard work will pay off. For Oneus, it was their first music show win. For Woojin, it was making music again. For me…. More likes and follows. What can I say? I’m shallow, like a kiddy pool. I explained to someone yesterday that I have 106 email subscribers, but my brain doesn’t make the connection. It will always be just a place where I write down my thoughts and sort through my feelings. Whenever I get likes, I’m always like, “eh, it was probably just an accident,” lol.

Where am I? Where is the end?
It was a night when I desperately wanted to ask
But the answer is still
In the unknown tomorrow

The amount of work you have to put in to get where you want to go can be daunting. I’m tired just thinking about it. But I will take it one day at a time, at my own pace, believe in myself, and not think about other people’s standards, just like Oneus taught me. I know every K-pop fan says their favorite group is the best, but Oneus is the best. We are just waiting for everyone else to get on the train. Woojin, please, I need more music so I can love you more, but for now, have fun on your tour!

Even the mirage in the desert
Can be seen by those who dream
So I, oh, I still
Still Dream
[Insert Chorus]
Ooh oh Ooh oh fly higher
Ooh oh Ooh oh fly farther

So let’s do it, guys!! Let’s not be afraid to still dream amid the chaos and clutter of life. I want to be happy, and now I know how to do it. I still have a long way to go, but that’s okay because at least I’m going now.

My small wings are weakly flapping
It’s not enough to fly far ahead
But because you’re far away over there, I can’t stop
Because even the darkness will turn into brilliance if it’s you

I was making my author bio the other day, and everything I researched said the same thing. First: write in the third person. That’s right, the internet told me to, and I felt like a moron doing it. Second: Keep it short and sweet. Third: Establish credibility. Here’s the issue though… I have none!! I may just be me, but that’s not an insult. I’m still finding my way, is all. And that’s okay. And why is that okay, Oneus??? Because “A little slower not gonna hurt your vibe.”

I’m shouting and running to you
Even if I’m falling right now
Fly, toward you
Endless darkness chases after me
Even if it drenches my wings
Fly, even farther, I’ll go

More than anything else, I want to be nicer to myself. I want to stop accusing myself of being a failure because I don’t want to do anything some days. It doesn’t mean my life is ending. All it’s doing is taking away any chance of joy in my life. I’m lazy! I can’t help it, but maybe it’s time to love that part of me too, instead of being ashamed of it. Everybody needs to rest sometimes. Dreams are centered around growth. If you are growing, you are living your dreams. Woojin went through a really, really tough time before this album. I could write an entire post expressing my anger towards that situation, so I will just say this.

I think there are a lot of people who still owe him an apology. However, instead of apologizing, they just pretended as if nothing had happened. I would have given up if I were him, but he didn’t. Even after that, he continued to follow his dreams, and I hope I can be more like him. Learning Korean got extremely difficult, so I stopped and gave up. I hope I can be like Woojin and find the strength and courage to carry on, even when a situation seems hopeless. It’s okay to take a break because I was getting frustrated with how difficult it was, but it’s not okay for me to give up. Your dreams aren’t dead as long as you put forth the effort.

Living dreams doesn’t mean winning every music show. It doesn’t mean having a blog with thousands of likes, comments, and followers; it definitely doesn’t mean everything is going right. Living your dreams is when you don’t have a popular blog, you don’t win every music show, and everything is going wrong, but you keep moving forward despite all of it. As long as you are trying, you are living your dream.

Ooh oh Ooh oh fly higher
Ooh oh Ooh oh fly farther

Sincerely,
LIBD

Being Inspired by Dreams

Posted on by LIBD

In the article Oneus: The Concept Kings Reign in London, the author asks Oneus what messages they would want to give fans inspired to follow in their footsteps. This was the answer they gave:

“If you [only] keep your dreams as a dream in life, you cannot actually achieve anything. But we went for it”

-Hwanwoong (Oneus)

When I first read this, I wanted to say, “It’s easy for you to say Woongie; you’re already there!” Then I read the quote over again and realized I was wrong. It probably was easy to say, but the journey that led them to the interview where he said it was most likely anything but. They gave everything they had to get where they are today. This is why as much as I would like to be angry about his statement, I can’t.

If you’ve read my blog before, you know I have a rocky relationship with myself. I struggle with being a perfectionist and setting impossibly high standards for myself. Then when I don’t reach those standards, I become disappointed with myself for being a failure. It’s something I’m still working on. It’s not easy trying to follow my dreams when there’s no way to be sure my hard work pays off. It’s so much work for something that isn’t guaranteed. Many trainees at K-pop companies don’t debut, and their hard work amounts to nothing. Well, not nothing. Sometimes they become back up dancers or something like that. Even so, that’s a terrifying thought for me. That you could put in so much effort and have it not turn out the way you want.

I’m sure it wasn’t always easy for Oneus. We only see what they let us see, and only know what they tell us, but perhaps they had days when they felt discouraged. Or felt like their hard work wasn’t paying off like they were hoping. Luckily, they have Tomoons to love and support them every day. Xion always talks about how we give them strength and encouragement to keep going. Perhaps they are too busy to contemplate life as much as I do. As I said, I only know what they tell us, so these are my assumptions. I’ve written about it before, but Xion once said he hopes that when we think of them, we feel encouraged just like we make them feel. Fear not Xion, we do. On days when I don’t want to work, I think about how hard they work. I’m sure they have days they don’t want to work, but they do it anyway and give it their best, so I will too. The other night I had the worst panic attack I’d had in a while. I listened to their music, focusing on figuring out who was singing which part until I calmed down. Then watched them build furniture from Ikea until I felt like I could breathe properly again.

Everyone always tells you to chase your dreams. I probably said it at one point too, but I think the concept of chasing dreams is slightly misleading. Following your dreams sounds a little off too. I’ve always believed that you chase your dreams, then catch them, and then life is complete, and you can be happy. Oneus achieved their dream, but they haven’t stopped though. They keep working at it every day, making new goals for themselves. As we work towards our goals, it can get more complicated, which I am learning to understand as I try to improve my blog. For Oneus, I believe that as it got harder, it also got more manageable. They’ve grown so much as a group and keep getting better. So maybe it isn’t getting any easier, but they keep getting better at it, and I think it’s more enjoyable for them. They finally got to participate in ISAC (K-pop Olympics), and they had really been looking forward to it. After almost 2 years, they’ve been able to perform again and see Tomoons worldwide, which I know was on the top of their to-do list during Covid. They also got their first music show win.

However, I think the biggest thing that I can’t understand about Oneus is when they lose. They act like they don’t care about losing, but I do, and so do the other Tomoons. After a tough loss, I finally snapped and asked another Tomoon, “Why the hell aren’t they furious right now?!” Someone said it was because they knew we worked hard for them even if we didn’t win. Oneus knew that Tomoons did their best, and that’s all that mattered to them. We aren’t even allowed to apologize to them when we lose! Because all they care about is that we did our best regardless of the result. Winning is just the strawberries on top of the cake for them (Tomoon will appreciate that metaphor).

It’s tough for me to wrap my head around that. As I said earlier, in my mind, there has always been success and failure. Until I’m succeeding, I’m failing, but success isn’t that simple. Perhaps I should focus on putting in the effort instead of obsessing over the result. Maybe I need to stop looking at my dreams as an end result. I enjoy having a blog, and that’s what I’m doing. Perhaps only 3 people read it, but I hope those 3 people enjoy each post. Because who cares if everyone reads it if it doesn’t mean anything to anyone? At that point, I’m just wasting my time.

Oneus said during the Black Mirror era that before they debuted, their CEO told them something that they were finally starting to understand. He said, “It’s good if you do good from the start, but you don’t need to be rushed. It’s good if you grow little by little.” It’s funny because all of them (Keonhee and Xion especially) talk about how they promise to get better and do better. Whenever they say that I’m like, “Dude, you guys are amazing. You don’t have to keep trying so hard.” But I think I get it now, and I also promise to keep improving my blog the best I can. I’m not saying I’m amazing, but there is always room for improvement.

I’ve always struggled with black and white thinking, but maybe I can learn to live in the grey area. Oneus only has one music show win so far. Still, even though they have already achieved their dreams of debuting in a successful group and getting a music show win, they aren’t stopping or slowing down. I’ve always focused too much on the end result. Maybe I can learn from Oneus. Maybe going step by step isn’t that bad. I said in the last post that I wasted a year of my life, but I didn’t. I’m going to get my driver’s license soon. I’m hoping to finally find a dentist next month. I gained some weight, but it definitely could have been worse. I’m improving with jumping in horseback riding class, and my teacher said I’ve improved greatly in the past 2 months.

The only reason the past year sucked is that I told myself it did. I actually did really good! My blog has come a LONG way in the past month too. I’ve been working hard editing all my past posts, adding photos, and improving SEO (Which was a nightmare and a half). Even if I’m doing good, I always want to be better, just like Oneus, but I am getting better. Maybe instead of constantly analyzing and trying to control every day of my life, I can try enjoying it. A line in one of Oneus’ songs says, “aren’t you looking forward to life?” (Bonus point if you knew that was from the Music Monday I did for their song Now). I’m not right now, but I want to look forward to life again. So just like Keonhee and Xion, I will do my best to show a better version of myself in the future.

Sincerely,
LIBD

#MusicMonday (Ready Now by Woojin)

Posted on by LIBD

Welcome to part 1 or 2 of my series. Does the intro count as part 1? Or is this part 1? Please let me know in the comments. This translation is from klyricsforyou.com. Their translation was the most readable. Because of how the Korean language works, I tend to pick the most readable translation. Often, translations that are too literal don’t always make sense. Thankfully, I found a good translation and didn’t have to do it myself. Let’s get started!

Now stop
Even when I yell out that it hurts
You smile and scar me again

Life is hard. I say it all the time, but it’s true. It’s been hard the past year. I cried, I got angry, I ignored it… Yet here I am writing this series. Another year of my life was wasted, and it’s all my fault. Yay.

The image of an ordinary person without a mask
That normal face scares me even more

Recently I’ve felt like I don’t know who I am. I’ve tried so hard to be…… however I should be, but I don’t even remember how. I try to be funny. Making people laugh makes me feel good for a few minutes. I try to talk to people, but I talk about myself, and I never know if I’m doing okay or if I should just shut up. I hate it.

(oh eh oh eh oh)
Every day, I’m struggling
To not lose to these dark emotions

It’s so hard. I just want to be happy and cheerful again, and I never thought I would say those words, but it’s true. I want to look forward to life again. I want to make my life something I can be proud of. I want to be the real me again, but I’m not quite sure who that is anymore.

(oh eh oh eh oh)
As I believe that this moment will surely pass
(Let it go)

It happened once, so I know it will happen again. I want to find the real me again. She was super awesome, and I miss her a lot. I hope she comes back soon.

This anxious night endlessly calls out to me
There’s a faint light inside that darkness

I can see the potential of everything life offers, but I feel like it’s just out of reach. Just do it, just live. Such simple words… so why is it so difficult?

[Pre-Chorus] This pain seems like it’ll last forever
I’m in my own hands, it’s the end

I got my meds adjusted, and I am feeling better. I know it takes time, but I don’t have time. I’ve wasted so much already. How long will I let life pass me by without doing anything about it? Doing nothing is so much easier though, and I just can’t seem to find enough energy to try.

[Chorus] Let’s clash against this together
I’m ready now (Hey Hey)
I’m ready now, It’s the end

One good thing is I’ve graduated from not caring at all to caring a little. I want to do better and feel like I can do better. I’m ready to be happy again and start chasing after my dreams again. I’m ready to be better, but I’m still waiting for it to happen.

[Chorus cont.] Put a brilliant end to the painful times
Cuz I’m ready, It’s the end
oh oh oh oh oh It’s the end

Like in my music Monday for Someday by Rob Thomas, I need to forget the past. Depression is a horrible disease that can ruin your entire life, but I’m starting to feel better, so I need to put my best foot forward.

I’m throwing a spark, not knowing it’ll grow bigger, yeah
The reasonless and cruel joke creates ashes in me
I find courage to say, please stop but
The quiet echo keeps repeating back to me

I feel like I’m back to the beginning. I have to learn to be happy all over again, but maybe I do. Perhaps I just need to remember how.

Hardships endlessly continue
And tomorrow keeps coming
[Pre-Chorus & Chorus]

Every day I struggle to do things just feels like another nail in the coffin. How am I supposed to follow my dreams if I can’t even bring myself to shower and brush my teeth? I understand how a person can be so horrible at doing life. Yet, here I am, amazing myself a little more every day in the worst possible way. The days just keep coming and going, and every day is another day I wasted.

Honestly, I’m still nervous and afraid
Afraid that I won’t be able to endure
Because it’s a difficult path
But still, I’m taking one more step

Honestly, I’m terrified. What if I’m never happy again? What if I never get back to normal? What if I just suck forever and die alone at the end of a long, meaningless life? I’m trying, and I know I’m getting better, but I’m tired. I don’t want to keep getting better; I want to BE better. I want to be the fun, confident Erin. Who didn’t care if she wasted 10 years of her life because, as Oneus says in their song Incomplete, “It’s okay if I’m starting a little later than everyone else”. Like Keonhee says in their song Life is Beautiful, “A little slower’s not gonna hurt your vibe”. Fun, confident Erin believed those things and lived by them. I want to believe again.

I’m putting an end to this pain
I’m starting again, yeah
From the beginning, just like new
So you and I can smile

What if I just chose to believe those things again? It’s almost midnight, but what if when I woke up tomorrow, I just believed again that it was okay if I started a little late? What if I started first thing tomorrow when I woke up? Not beating myself up for everything I don’t do. Appreciating the happy moments as they happen. What if I stopped trying so hard to be better and decided to just be?

Now I’m going forward
I’m ready now (Hey Hey)
I’m ready now, Let’s begin
Preparing for a new beginning
For that bright sun of tomorrow
Cuz I’m ready, Let’s begin

I’m not excited about life, but I’m excited for tomorrow. I’m going to stop trying so hard to be “normal” or “happy” and just live because, like Oneus says, “Life is Beautiful.” And Oneus would never lie to us, so it must be true. That’s my story, and I’m sticking with it.

I’m putting an end to this pain
So you and I can smile
Let’s begin

Tomorrow I’m not going to expect anything of myself. If I don’t brush my teeth, who cares?! It won’t be the first time; it won’t be the last time. If I do absolutely nothing… Fine, then! Just another day in paradise. And if I find something to smile about, I’ll smile, and if tomorrow sucks, I’ll be bummed and try again the next day. I can’t let myself continue to live every day feeling defeated by life before the day even begins. So, I’m not going to focus on being better. I’m going to focus on enjoying life. I think I lived my best life when I stopped caring so much about living my best life.
Thanks for reading, and I’ll see y’all in part 3!

Sincerely,
LIBD

K-Quotes: Giving Up

Posted on by LIBD

Hello everyone! How are you doing today? How is life treating you? I know I haven’t been posting consistently, but I’m going to talk about that a bit today. This quote is on the longer side, so we will start with the first half and discuss the second half later on. Let’s get to it!

I focused only on music. I thought my dreams would come true. Sometimes I was sure of it. However, not everyone gets to have their dream come true. It was hard to achieve my dreams, but giving up was easy.

Ocean Likes Me

I don’t know if I ever actually thought my dreams would come true so much as hoped that my life wouldn’t suck forever. Every once in a while, I was almost sure of it. One day my blog would become well known and inspire thousands of people, and my life would actually have a purpose. He was right though. Not everyone gets to have their dream come true, and giving up is the easiest thing in the world.

In the book, I decided to Live as Me by Kim Soo-Hyun she says. “Humiliation and insignificance are the feelings that people find hardest to endure” (Page 41). She says something else too, but we’ll get to that part later. Honestly, I think that’s what it came down to for me. Giving up is so easy. I love giving up; it’s horrible. If I don’t achieve my dream, it will be because I gave up. The alternative is trying my best only to discover how insignificant I really am and the humiliation of a life with no purpose.

Perhaps that was a bit dramatic, but when I heard those words, my first instinct was to think, “That’s so stupid; you should never give up on your dream,” but I just sat there and realized I had done the exact same thing. It wasn’t that my blog wouldn’t eventually become popular, but the fact that I stopped writing. That way, I would have a good reason why my blog has very few engagements and followers. I know they are out there somewhere because WordPress tells me how many subscribers I have, but it’s hard when I see blogs with so many likes and comments, and followers.

For a blog that is supposed to be about helping and inspiring others, I sure spend a lot of time talking about myself, don’t I? I just want to know without a doubt that my blog isn’t insignificant and that for someone somewhere, I was able to inspire or encourage them the tiniest bit. Enough about giving up and the horror of living an insignificant life. Let’s move on to the rest of the quote.

At that time, after I basically gave up on all of my dreams, I met you who would stay up all night for their dreams, and it made me dream too. I want to make music again.

Obviously, making music isn’t my end goal, but Oneus is on the last week and a half of their comeback, and we haven’t gotten them a single music show win. We voted and streamed our hearts out, but it just wasn’t enough for the size of the fandom we were up against. I told a fellow Tomoon that I feel like I should be used to losing by now, as terrible as it sounds. Try as we might, we only ever got them 1 win, and it breaks my heart because I know that as much as they deny it and say that we shouldn’t feel sorry, I can’t help but feel like Oneus is just as disappointed as we are. However, even after the many disappointing losses; Oneus didn’t stop making new albums, and they went into every comeback 110% ready for the win that may or may not come.

They haven’t given up though. Because no matter the odds against them, they want to achieve their goals. Also, there is usually a minimum number of years you must participate in the group when they sign their contracts. Still, they’ve never given any less than their best, even when the odds weren’t in their favor. I suddenly realized that even if my dream never came true, it wouldn’t be meaningless because the meaning could be found in how hard I tried, just like Oneus. They never give up and improve more each and every comeback. Giving up is the most effortless thing to do, but the moment I gave up is when my life actually became meaningless.
In the book I mentioned above, the author continues by saying, “Even if we don’t become what we expect to become, even if we have to bear the feeling of being insignificant, we should face our true selves and not make excuses” (Page 42). Throughout the entire book, I think ‘living as me’ isn’t about my successful life. It’s about learning to be content with a perfectly ordinary life. And above all, creating a life, we can be proud of regardless of how significant others think it is.

He achieved his dream in the end, and I think that was a pretty shitty ending because that’s not always how it happens. I think we should be teaching children not to follow their dreams (although it’s good to have goals and objectives) but to be content with being ordinary. There’s more to life than the meaning as a whole. Even if I never inspire anyone and never change the world, at the very least, I can contribute and enjoy it. Appreciating your favorite food or a nice summer drive with the windows down and music loud. Maybe I don’t have tons of pictures and stories of adventures with friends because I don’t have many. Still, I have friends, and I can learn Korean; I can work out, eat healthily, and feel good about myself. In this moment, what can you do to make your life something you and you alone can be proud of and look back one day saying, “At least I lived well.”

So I will try to be more selfish and focus entirely on myself, my own values, and what is important to me. I will try to stop caring what others may think of me. And try not to let disrespectful and rude behavior get to me from people who add nothing positive to my life. I’m going to think about what I want for myself. I like my job, and I’m working on getting my license. Maybe one day, I’ll look for a better job, but for right now, I’m perfectly content exactly where I am, and I’m proud of how far I’ve come. At the end of the day, that’s what makes a life meaningful, and if I can do that, I am not insignificant or humiliated. I’m striving to find the little things that make life worth living to one day look back and say, “At least I lived well.”

Wow, I wrote this whole thing in 1 and a half hours, but it’s really late, so I better go. None of us are insignificant. The author also mentioned in the book that this is our first time living which means we aren’t going to be perfect at it. For that reason, no one should feel humiliated for being themselves and doing their best to be happy. I encourage you guys to think about what it is that you want. Pretend no one else exists and ask yourself if you are living well. I’m not right now, and maybe you aren’t either, but that’s okay. We can learn from our mistakes, and as Ravn said at the concert, we should stop listening to the voices around us. They aren’t the ones who have to live your life. We should listen to our own voice, challenge ourselves, never be afraid to be wrong, and always strive to make the most of every day, so one day, we will all be able to say, “At least I lived well.”

Sincerely,
LIBD

K-quotes: Memories

Posted on by LIBD

Welcome to another K-quotes! Although it’s more of a story than a quote, it’s from a kdrama, so it still counts!!! A few announcements first…. Number 1: my YouTube channel is finally up and running, so there will be no more written whatever Wednesdays. 2: I revamped my blog’s layout. At the side or bottom, depending on what kind of device you are using, you can now find direct links to all of LIBD’s social media accounts.

There’s also a list of top posts for anyone who would like to read more of my stuff but are afraid of choosing a boring one; you should be safe with any of those. Lastly, don’t forget to subscribe if you haven’t already, and let’s get this started!

The boy woke up from another awful nightmare. Bad memories from the past that he wanted to forget were replayed on his dreams every night and haunted him nonstop.

He was terrified of falling asleep, so one day, he went to the witch and begged. “Please get rid of all my bad memories, so that I won’t ever have a nightmare again. Then, I will do everything you ask.” Years went by, and the boy became an adult. He no longer has nightmares but for some strange reasons, he wasn’t happy at all. One night, a blood moon filled the sky and the witch finally showed up again to take what he had promised in return for granting his wish. And he shouted at her with so much resentment, “All my bad memories are gone but why can’t I become happy.”

Then the witch took his soul as they had promised and told him this, “Hurtful, painful memories. Memories of deep regrets. Memories of hurting others and being hurt. Memories of being abandoned. Only those with such memories buried in their hearts can become stronger, more passionate, and emotionally flexible. And only those can attain happiness.”

The Boy Who Fed On Nightmares (From the k-drama It’s okay to not be okay)

Every once in a while, a memory will pop into my head as I am relaxing or lying in bed at night. However, it’s not a good memory; It makes me feel stupid, embarrassed, or even ashamed. I don’t even know what made me suddenly remember. Then all I can think is “stupid, stupid, stupid.” If only I could go back and redo it, I would do it better, so it could be a better memory……… but I can’t.

Perhaps you have experienced this as well. Moments from your past come back to haunt you when you least expect them. Lurking in the corner of your mind waiting to taunt you with your mistakes and regrets. Reminding you how you disappointed someone else, let someone down, let yourself down, or just straight up made a fool of yourself. It’s awful, and I hate it.

Sometimes I wish I could make them disappear like the boy in the story did. It would be so nice to not be haunted by the mistakes and failures of your past. That being said, everyone knows you should never make a deal with a witch, but that’s a discussion for another day.

I’m sure it was lovely for him at first, but here’s the thing with bad memories and feelings…. They are only bad because they are worse than the good ones. Good memories or feelings are only good because they are better than bad ones. If life was always good, it wouldn’t really feel good because you would have nothing bad to compare it to.

Similarly, if life was terrible all the time, it wouldn’t feel terrible because you would have nothing good to compare it to. Not too long ago, I went through a really tough few weeks. I felt so down and depressed and sad and miserable……… And I told someone that this was why I never wanted to be happy because it would make the sad so much worse. However, I really liked being happy. Although I felt awful, those feelings were a testament to how good I had felt.

For the longest time, I was afraid of happiness because it was so rare for me, and if I was happy, it would make the sadness feel so much worse. I wasn’t wrong about that, but while the sadness was comfortable, I wasn’t doing good; I just didn’t have much to compare it to. Now I enjoy the happiness while it’s here, and even though I know it won’t last forever, I cherish every second of it. There’s a big difference between feeling good and feeling not bad.

Back to the memories, though, the witch made a good point. When I remember those things, they make me feel inferior, incompetent, and self-conscious. Still, I tell myself the same thing every time I find myself overwhelmed by the terrible feelings……. “but now I know better, so I can do better.” I know you guys hear me say that a lot in my blog, but it’s because I need to keep reminding myself.

For example, college was a disaster, but I learned that college just isn’t for me. I learned how to better deal with difficult situations so I won’t make those same mistakes in other areas of my life. As a camp counselor, I was not physically or emotionally strong enough to take on that role. I had no idea how difficult of a job it was.

There was so much to do, and you had to get a bunch of kids to the right place at the right time, make sure they had fun and didn’t fight, and do it all without crying or having minor breakdowns, which I just couldn’t do. One girl faked an asthma attack so she could go home. Another had a back injury and would say it hurt whenever she wasn’t getting her way. Then the nurse would yell at me because the girl had made a miraculous recovery by the time she got there.

In hindsight, it seems obvious, but it makes me feel like an idiot whenever I think about how bad at it I was. However, I learned being a camp counselor obviously wasn’t my calling. I still don’t know how I survived the summer. I don’t like to remember it, but when I do, I remember that when life gets hard, you gotta keep going if you want to get through it. I learned about responsibility and leadership and that I definitely don’t want any job that involves working with children or outside. I also learned why people send their kids away to camp.

Here’s the thing with me… I feel pure failure when someone tells me I’ve done something wrong. Like, one time at work, I accidentally did something I wasn’t supposed to do, and my manager very calmly said, “It doesn’t work like that. You aren’t allowed to do that” I must have had a kicked puppy look on my face that I get when I’ve failed because a few seconds late, she followed it with, “But it’s okay, accidents happen. Now you know for the future.”

I either do my job well, or I suck and I’m a failure, so if someone scolds me, it doesn’t matter how kindly they do it. You might as well just punch me in the face and tell me to do better because that’s how it feels to me when I make mistakes, and I never unfeel it for the rest of my life whenever I remember that time.

I have no shortage of bad memories, but when I put them all together……. They remind me that life is tough, but so am I. Just like the tagline in my blog’s logo says. We need these memories to learn and grow and to better appreciate our happy memories.

The most important thing to remember when my bad memories sneak up on me is that it’s over. I can’t change it, but I also don’t need to. I’m human. I made a mistake, and that’s not a crime. There are some pretty horrible things in life, but those dreadful things help us grow into the person we are today and make a better life.

I feel really sorry for the boy. He just wanted to forget. Sometimes I just want to forget too. Someone once asked me if I could do my life over again, what would I do differently. At first, I thought there were a ton of things I would do differently, but when I think back, I don’t want to have to do my life all over again.

There are many things that I wouldn’t be able to change, and quite frankly, I would like to just put it all behind me and let it be a memory. Also, even though my past wasn’t great, it got me to where I am now, and I think where I am now is pretty great.

Thank you for reading. I loved this story as soon as I heard it. It gave me a different perspective on my life, especially as someone who often struggles with bad memories and feelings from the past. I hope you enjoyed it, and as always, feel free to leave a like or a comment to let me know how amazing I am or not amazing…. Either way, you still read it, haha.

I hope you guys are all doing well, but if you are not, just remember, you were happy once, and even if it takes a while, you will be happy again. And if you don’t believe me, I’m prepared to swear on my entire kpop collection. If there’s one thing I can promise, it’s that life does get better, and you deserve all the happiness in the world.

Sincerely,
LIBD

K Quotes: Scared

Posted on by LIBD

“Were you scared?”
“Yes. But it didn’t help to be scared. In each phase of our lives, we have to deal with different problems. We need to face those problem, so we can live in peace.

My Amazing Friend

This was actually a Chinese show, not a Korean one. Don’t watch it. The ending sucks. It’s not sad or not good; it’s just a stupid ending, and I disapprove of it. Moving on…… This is very fitting for the moment. Tomorrow I am going to do something scary so that I can live in peace. Well, tomorrow of the day I started writing this. I have to switch doctors, so I have to call my new one. If you know me, then you know that making phone calls are on the top of my list of things that terrify me. I hate making phone calls, but it’s step one on my list of scary and annoying problems I must face if I want to live in peace.

I think I posted a quote a while back on LIBD’s IG account: “do the scary thing first and get scared later.” I’m very good at getting scared, so I think I’ll excel more in the second part. Anyway, he’s got a good point, though. Being afraid doesn’t help. Like, at all. I don’t even really know what I’m scared of. At least with my fear of water, I can justify it. I don’t know what’s below the surface, and I don’t like unknown creatures touching me. Also, I’ve watched river monsters, and even if the fish don’t kill you intentionally, death is death. When I was younger and we were on vacation, I already didn’t like lakes. However, my brother picked me up and carried me out to where the water was up to my chin, and in my panicked run back to shore, I swear something touched my leg. I was crying by the time I made it back to the beach, and to this day, I will not set foot and any water that doesn’t have chlorine in it. It’s also a pretty common fear. Being afraid of phone calls just sounds stupid. No one ever died making a phone call.

My psychiatrist says it’s not abnormal for people with anxiety to be afraid of phone calls. Something to do with the fact that you can’t read body language or facial cues. Also, the whole gist of anxiety is that it’s an irrational feeling of fear. If it made sense, then it wouldn’t be anxiety. Which is incredibly annoying when you think about it. I’ve been putting it off for way too long, though, and it is something that needs to be done. Even if I’ve reached the point where I’m not living in a perpetual state of stress because of the things I need to do, I will have to get them done eventually. Especially if I want to continue to be proud of myself. I need to face my fears so I can make my life even better.

Here’s my plan for tomorrow after work. I’m going to this super delicous chicken place; after we eat and come back home, I’m going to sit at the table with my mom, and she will help me figure out what to say. I was going to reward myself with the other 2 versions of Oneus’s Devil album. That was until I opened them yesterday, so now there’s no reward apart from the feeling of relief that comes with crossing something off my to-do list. Also, I didn’t get any Ravn photocards or pictures. I got 2 Xion, 2 Leedo, and Seoho which was a pleasant surprise. I did get a Ravn photocard when my friend got me their ‘Fly With Us’ album. I think I was more excited about that than the actual album. Ravn is my favorite, but I had never gotten one of his photo cards. I’d gotten everyone except him and Seoho, but now I have both, so I have at least 1 of everyone, but I would like more. I’m so sorry I got off topic again, didn’t I?

Okay, so after I wrote that, I got distracted and started organizing my photocards and forgot that I was writing this………Oops

That plan failed. I have called the doctor, though, so step 1 is complete. I now just have to call the neurologist and the dentist. Except here’s the thing………. I’m TERRIFIED of the dentist. My last dentist was friendly, but now I have to go to a new dentist who could be awful. I would rather die than go to the dentist. I would rather work a closing shift at work than have to go to the dentist. I would rather watch pride and prejudice all day long than have to go to the dentist……………… Actually, maybe not all day, but like 3 episodes. That’s how badly I don’t want to go. I had a panic attack the other day about it. My jaw hurt, so I started freaking out, thinking I had a cavity and how I should go to the dentist. I just started crying like a baby about making phone calls and going to the dentist. My mom and her fiancée spent almost the entire drive to Outback Steakhouse, where we were going to dinner, trying to calm me down. Anyway, tomorrow morning I’m supposed to get those calls made. Then I will go to the……… ugh… dentist. Just saying it sounds awful.

I think I get what he’s saying, though. It is terrifying; there’s no denying that. Just talking about it is freaking me out, but if I don’t deal with it, it will keep freaking me out. I don’t think he’s even trying to be comforting, but he’s right. There will always be obstacles in life that will be in our way and drag us down. We must decide if we want to keep being held back by these things. It’s not easy to do scary things, but if I just do it and get it over with, then it won’t be looming over my shoulder. It doesn’t make it any less scary; it’s like when I went to a cabin with my friends.

It was the middle of winter, and they were excited that there was a hot tub. I was skeptical about using a hot tub in the winter, but it was quite wonderful. Until it was time to get out, haha. It was so cold getting out, especially after comfortably lounging in a HOT tub. Realistically I couldn’t spend the rest of my life there, but it was so cold outside. Finally, I ran (Yes, that’s right, Er-budd actually ran, so you know it was serious) inside. The towel did absolutely nothing to keep me warm. It was awful; I was shivering so bad. In a matter of 2 minutes though, I was back into another warm fuzzy sweater and leggings. Which I think is the only thing the 3 of us packed for our 2-day stay, haha. Just sweaters and leggings. It was lovely. It was exactly as horrible as I thought it would be, but once I got it over with, I could get back to relaxing inside the warm cabin.

I think that’s how I will have to deal with this. It will be horrible, but I can be at peace again once it’s over. I really would like to be at peace again. My old psychiatrist loved to tell me to “just do it”…………. It really made me want to punch her in the face. That was her solution to everything to “just do it.” Perhaps this is what she meant, but as my counselor always says. It’s important to remember the difference between what they said and what I heard. She said, “Just do it,” but I heard, “Suck it up, and get over it.” I think she was just terrible at her job, but keep in mind you are only hearing my side of the story. I could be a terrible patient.

It’s getting late, so I better get some sleep if I want to be up early to start my morning off horribly……. Wish me luck

Two week’s later: Well…….. I done did it. It took…. I don’t know 2 months, maybe 3, since I started writing this. Also, I cut my finger at work, so typing this is very awkward. I still have the dentist left, but I’ve survived the worst of it. I didn’t die while making phone calls, and it does feel nice to live in peace without having it looming over my head.

Do you want to know what the secret is? Wait till you are having a terrible day. I came home from work one day, and it was a horrible day. I thought, “There is no sense ruining a perfectly good day with phone calls. This day already sucks, so let’s take it all the way and make those phone calls too.”

Anyway. Thanks for reading. I’m sorry if this is lame, but I wanted to post something, and with Oneus’s comeback still going on, I knew if I didn’t do it right now, it wouldn’t get done. If you haven’t listened to their song Black Mirror you should totally check it out, it’s terrific. Until next time…

Sincerely,
LIBD