Tag: Personal Growth

silhouette of an island during sunset

When I Was Amazing

Posted on by LIBD

Hey guys, how’s it going? The title pretty much says it all. I used to be amazing. I did. I’m not talking about bible college though. That was just the precursor to where I am now, so we are going to pretend that never happened. I was though. Oh, if only I had started blogging back then…

Firstly, I was so much prettier. You know I used to wear eyeliner. It did wonders for my face. School wasn’t great, but I graduated. I used to dance when I was a kid. I was pretty darn good too. I loved it, until I didn’t. Even back then, muscular dystrophy was ruining my life. But it didn’t matter because I was amazing.

I wasn’t scared of tripping because I could just get back up, all by myself. Now I can’t walk anywhere without worrying about tripping and planning recovery strategies for if I did. Crossing the road is the worst because if I trip, there’s nothing to help me get up, so I have got to be careful. It wasn’t like that though, when I was amazing.

You know I didn’t just ride horses; I did jumping and cross country. Not at a competitive level, but I could do it. Me and Melody were quite the team, back when I was amazing. When I went to regular college, I got a near-perfect score on my final paper for my English class. I just forgot the works cited page; otherwise, it would have been an A.

Oh, and my room. My room upstairs at the house I grew up in was amazing. At one point, I had different shades of blue everywhere you looked. It was perfect. Then I moved down to the basement, and my church redid it so I had midnight purple and Caribbean blue walls. It was beautiful. With my blue comforter and sheets. And I used to be able to keep it clean, back when I was amazing. Everything would be neat and tidy and clean, and it was so satisfying and refreshing.

Back when I was amazing, I loved when everything was clean. It made my whole life feel better. Even after I gained all that weight in bible college, I went from 220 down to 168 at one point. I looked amazing. I could get up off the floor again. My basement was amazing. Then they sold the house, and I had to move. That wasn’t amazing.

I had been going downhill even before then though. I gained weight again. I got lazy again. Everything was a mess just like my brain was. I don’t know what happened. Now, I’m just…. This. And I don’t know if it will ever get better. Maybe my prime has come and gone.

A comedian once said he was like an iPhone. It was going to be worse versions of this from here on out, and he gets really hot in the middle of the day for no reason. I’m always hot in the morning. What if it really is just worse versions of this?

I don’t know what the future holds. All I know is that I used to be amazing, and every day it hurts to think about how the mighty have fallen. I know this wasn’t the end you were probably expecting. I was hoping it would have a more positive ending too, but oh well.

All I can say is, appreciate yourself. Back when I was amazing, I never thought I was amazing. I thought I was the opposite of amazing. I never appreciated how good I was. I only focused on my shortcomings.

Maybe I still am. Maybe even now I’m amazing. It’s actually quite amazing I haven’t given up yet. Maybe we are still amazing; we just can’t see past everything we’ve lost. I don’t know. Thanks for reading, and I’ll see you next time.

Sincerely,
LIBD

rain drops

#MusicMonday (Cry by Jason Walker)

Posted on by LIBD

I’m not an easy person to offend. I’ve been offended probably 3 times in my life, but I only remember what was said this one time. I’ve talked about this before, but someone said something along the lines of, “… and if the answer is no, are you just going to start crying like you always do?” In their defense, I was crying a lot at that point in life. I was on an antidepressant that didn’t work, I had gained an obscene amount of weight, and I wasn’t in therapy. And I was too timid to say it then, so I’m going to say it now: “How dare you shame me like that”!

The main reason I was offended was because I genuinely thought they were right. Because let’s face it, no one is ever offended by something unless there’s an ounce of truth to what is being said. If someone came up to me and said my jewelry was ugly, I might be mad or defensive, but I wouldn’t be offended.

It wasn’t until I read The Boy, the Mole, the Fox, and the Horse that I realized that what they said was unfair. In the book it says, “tears fall for a reason, and they are your strength not weakness” and these thoughts all jumbled together brought us here to this song. So, with that being said, let’s get this rolling! Quick side note I did condense the lyrics a bit because the word cry repeats a lot, so if you want word for word lyrics this isn’t it.

Oh no, where did all the years go? Was it really worth all of this?
A heartache that was handed to me, holdin' on just don't make sense

This is usually the train of thought that leads to a good cry session. Not always, but like, I’m 30. I thought I’d be more… just more, by now. And life keeps on throwing me hurdles. Any time I think I’ve gotten past the worst, I never let myself relax because I know just around the corner is another trainwreck waiting for me. 

But the hardest part of letting go
is trying to find a way to let you know
So we'll just cry on each other's shoulders
Cry until it's over, can't it just be over?
And we'll just , cry until it's all gone
Been holdin' on for too long, time for us to move on
I'm tired of tryin' to find a reason why
So let's just cry

Sometimes I just feel sad for no reason. I just want to cry, but I don’t because I have no reason to. I’ve learned however, that we don’t always need a reason to cry. I can just put on a sad song and be sad. And if I cry, then I’ll cry. Because tears fall for a reason. And they are our strength not weakness. 

Well, I've been thinkin' 'bout my life and how much time I've wasted
And I'm ready to put it all behind me, let it all be yesterday
But the hardest part of letting go is tryna find a way to let you know

As I said in the beginning, part of the reason I was so mad about what they said was that they weren’t wrong. I wasted so many years of my life feeling sorry for myself. When I say the psych ward is the best thing that ever happened to me, I’m not kidding. It sucked while it was happening, but it was worth it 100 times over. I regret nothing.

So let's just cry on each other's shoulders
Cry until it's over, can't it just be over?
And we'll just cry until it's all gone
Been holdin' on for too long, time for us to move on

Sometimes I have panic attacks that I refer to as meltdowns, and they happen like a volcano. I get anxious, but I calm myself down, and it’s fine for weeks or even months, until it’s not. People think I’m crazy because after a meltdown I’m great!! Everything that I had been shoving down or putting aside is out of myself and into the world (sorry world), and I feel great! Well, except for the chest pain that I have for the next 3 days from hyperventilating.

One time, it was really hot, so that added another level to my meltdown that took me a while to fully recover from, but it feels so much better when all the icky and uncomfortable feelings are outside of you and not inside of you anymore. It’s a real bummer feeling anxious all the time. Thankfully, I haven’t had a meltdown in a while since I started my anxiety medication.

I'm tired of tryin' to find a reason why
So let's just cry, cry on each other's shoulders
Cry until it's over, can't it just be over?

That’s another thought I have a lot. When life feels so overwhelming I wanna cry until it’s over, but when will it be over? I’m an ugly crier, and it gives me a headache, so depending on the time frame I may not want to cry till it’s over. But what else can you do?

And we'll just cry until it's all gone
Been holdin' on for too long, time for us to move on

Have you been holding on for too long? It feels right in the moment to hold on and keep it together. Maybe whatever it was doesn’t seem cryworthy so you just don’t. I’ve learned something about feelings though. You can’t wait them out. You can’t wait for them to go away. You have to work through the feeling, confront it, and deal with it. That’s the only way to make it go away. 

Sure, you can bury the feeling or brush it aside, but that’s a short-term, temporary fix. Not a long-term solution. Whatever we are feeling deserves to be felt. Just like tears fall for a reason, feelings exist for a reason. They may not make sense, and they may not be fun, but they’re there for a reason, so feel it, work through it, and cry through it if that’s what it takes.

I'm tired of trying to find a reason why [x3]
So let's just cry

Thanks for hanging out with me today. I know this post wandered into the deep end—and maybe turned into “crying: the musical” along the way—but hey, sometimes that’s just where life ends up. If you need a good cry, find a sad song or a tear-jerker video and let it all out. This is a no-judgement zone. Honestly, I may be doing the same lol.

Sincerely,
LIBD

a long hallway with lights on the floor

#MusicMonday (Let Me In by Dermot Kennedy)

Posted on by LIBD

Hey guys, how are you? I’m not great, so hopefully you are doing better. It was brought to my attention that when Tottenham is doing well Columbus Crew rarely is and vice versa. Last week they both sucked though, so I’m not sure how accurate that still is, but I guess I’ll find out. Today’s #MusicMonday is a newer song called Let Me In by Dermot Kennedy.

I wrote a long time ago about when I think back to how depressed I was at my worst. I said how I don’t remember the feeling because it was so bad that unless you experience it, you’ll never know how awful it was. I can attest to that now because I forgot how awful it really feels.

I was up late crying the other night about how horrible everything is, and I came across this song. I listened to it 5 more times that night before I finally fell asleep. The last time I listened I just prayed it and hoped God would hear me and maybe do something about it, but I guess he’s busy. In any case, that’s why I wanted to share it with you.

In Okains Bay,
oh, I could have stayed
and never went home

The other day, I was looking at old videos from concerts and remembering the moments and the hours I never wanted to end. The short trips I never wanted to come back from. The concerts, the fleeting moments of joy that I’ve experienced.

Might have been brief,
but at least I was free from all of my ghosts
That live in my head like reflections on water
that only come once

It’s so weird to me how the best moments are so hard for my brain to hang onto. Like, if I didn’t have the photos to prove it, I wouldn’t think it actually happened. Meanwhile, bad thoughts and memories are etched into my brain like stone. I hate it. I’m sure there’s a scientific explanation for it, but I can’t be bothered to look it up. If you know why, please enlighten me in the comments.

I still haven't learned, deceptions in
the cinematic version of love
But I can't get enough

It’s a double-edged sword because your life can’t be too happy. It has to suck at least a little bit sometimes, so you can appreciate the good things. I don’t know how long I’ve been in denial about being depressed, but I can’t talk myself out of it anymore. I just can’t bring myself to do hardly anything anymore.

These days, oh, the world doesn't sing to me
quite how it used to
See, this life is a touch too damn much for me
Maybe that's meant for me

I’ve been eating out more. Getting worse about showering. I was on a 5-day streak of brushing my teeth and washing my face, and now it’s just so hard again. Like every little, tiny task just feels like a mountain. I know they say God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle, but…. Just because I can doesn’t mean I want to or should have to. I’ve said it once, and I’m not afraid to say it again. If this is his plan, it’s a really shitty plan.

'Cause I know there's a room where I'm happy
But I can't find my way to the door

When I heard this, it resonated so much with me because I know depression isn’t forever. I know somewhere is a room where I’m actually happy and enjoying life, but I’m hopelessly lost and have no clue where it is. I’m not sure if I’m on the right floor. I’m not even sure I’m in the right building, but I know it’s out there.

Tell me who wins the war 'tween my heart and my head?
I forgot what I'm suffering for

If you are a longtime reader, you’ll know that that knowledge means nothing to me right now. It could be 5 years before it gets better. It could be 50! I’m not doing this for 5 more years, let alone 50. I messaged my psychiatrist, but I’m hoping she’s on vacation right now because if she’s not, then she’s ignoring me.

I surrender to dark, when it all falls apart
At least I won't have to pretend
And I know there's a room where I'm happy
Let me in, let me in

I’m not pretending anymore. I’m keeping it together for work, but with my friends, I’m not faking it anymore. They know I’m crazy, they don’t really care. If I’m sad, I’m gonna be sad. I don’t need to pretend to be happy; eventually, I will be happy again. I’m hoping that maybe that day will be tomorrow, but I’m not holding my breath.

To tell you the truth,
I was wondering why
you'd be so drawn to my voice
Like the tide to the moon,
if you move I move, honey, it's not a choice

I’ve always wondered why the people who read my blog read it. I’m not the only one with problems. I’m sure I’m not the only one who talks about their problems. Depressed people are such a buzz kill (I only say that because I’m really bummed out by my own mind right now), and at least 70% of my posts were written while I was depressed. I can see stats. I know I get steady traffic, but I’m not an influencer. I’m not even that interesting, so why do you read? I’m not complaining, just curious, so let me know in the comments if you feel comfortable leaving comments.

Now I'm showing you all of these parts of myself
I'm terrified I'll bring you closer to hell but
These days, oh, the world doesn't sing to me quite how it used to

Sometimes I go back when I’m doing well and read some of my more depressing things, and I’m like, “Man, this is so depressing.” Of course, then when I’m sad, I read things I wrote when I’m happy, and I’m like, “shut up, you don’t know what you’re talking about”. These days, everything just seems darker and duller, and I’m disappointed in myself for not being able to suck it up and push through.

See, this life is a touch too damn much for me
Maybe that's meant for me
'Cause I know there's a room where I'm happy
But I can't find my way to the door

Everything feels like too much. Simple tasks, self-care, and even my feelings feel like they are too big for me to deal with. I’m so tired, I just want to spend the rest of my life on my couch and never leave.

Tell me who wins the war 'tween my heart and my head?
I forgot what I'm suffering for
I surrender to dark, when it all falls apart
At least I won't have to pretend
I know there's a room where I'm happy
Oh, let me in, let me in

I can’t just not do stuff forever because I’m depressed though. I wish I could just slap myself hard enough to snap out of it and get over it. It’s frustrating when your brain is working against you and not with you. I hate this feeling. It sucks.

Let me in, let me in
Let me in, let me in
Let me in, let me in
Let me in, let me in
And I'd give anything to change my, anything to change my fate

PLEASE LET ME IN!!! I just want to be okay again.

I know there's a room where I'm happy
But I can't find my way to the door
Tell me who wins the war 'tween my heart and my head?
I forgot what I'm suffering for
I surrender to dark, when it all falls apart
At least I won't have to pretend
I know there's a room where I'm happy
Let me in, let me in

I wanted so badly to be okay. I know God doesn’t hate me, but I definitely feel like he could be doing something about this. Maybe he’s just busy like my psychiatrist. Sorry if this was a downer but thank you to everyone who read to the end. I may not know who you are, but I’m so grateful for all of you. It’s a comfort to know that my words aren’t just dissolving into the wind. Someone out there is reading them, and I’m being heard. And that means more to me than anything else.

I hope you have a good week this week. If you are struggling like me, then let’s just take it 24 hours at a time. We’ll get through it, and if we keep going, we will find our rooms one day. So, let’s not give up just because it’s hard. Music has a way of reaching the parts of us that words just can’t. If this song spoke to you like it did me, I’d love to know. And I would also love to know what songs get you through your hardest days. Let me know in the comments. Good luck, and I wish you the very best!

Sincerely,
LIBD

#MusicMonday (Over Each Other by Linkin Park)

Posted on by LIBD

This is dedicated to a certain person in my life. I’ve talked about this subject with other people, and it seems like everyone has someone like this in their lives. They also seem to appreciate my perspective on the matter but even then. You know I’m never as open in person as I am here. Maybe it’s because I think no one reads it, or maybe it’s because it’s my blog and I can do whatever I want. Anyway, let’s get into this.

Anyone who has read my blog knows that anger and sadness go hand in hand. I get angry but it’s also because I’m sad. I want to be able to talk to this person. I want a relationship that’s a 2-way street and it’s sad that I can’t have that. Today’s song is called Over Each Other. It’s by Linkin Park which is a long-time favorite band of mine.

You probably are familiar with their songs In the End or What I’ve done. This is off of their newest album. Their songs are so honest and relatable, and this song in particular makes me sad every time I hear it because I think about this person. I say it’s a lost cause, but I don’t want it to be.

This is the letter that I, I didn't write
Lookin' for color in the black and white

I’ve never been good at expressing my feelings out loud face to face. I did once and I didn’t like it. I don’t think I’ll ever do it again, but just because I don’t say anything doesn’t mean I don’t care. I’m just not used to being able to have a grown-up conversation when I have a problem with someone.

Skyscrapers we created
On shaky ground

So, for reference, the person that I’m writing about frustrates me because they won’t take responsibility for their wrongdoing doing they won’t admit their faults unless you agree to take half of the responsibility for what they did. They are better at talking than listening, and they get a terrible case of selective hearing when they don’t like what’s being said. It makes me angry because I’m listening, I’m empathizing, trying to respect their feelings, and they won’t do the same for me.

And I'm trying to find my patience
But you won't let me breathe
And I'm not ever right
All we are is talking
Over each other

I’m always wrong, they’re always right. When they don’t get their way they play the victim to try and get people to feel sorry for them. When they start to realize they are in the wrong they get aggressive and defensive. I want to be heard, and they don’t like what I’m saying so they talk over me and I’m trying to talk over them because I want them to understand me.

There's nothing underneath
It's all a waste of time
All we are is talking
Over each other

So, I just walk away. Then they get mad that I won’t fight with them. I’m not going to waste my time and energy on someone like that. If they want to waste their own time that’s fine, but they aren’t going to waste mine. I’m not going stand there and waste my words on someone who doesn’t have the emotional maturity to apologize and admit when they are wrong.

When you’ve hurt someone, it doesn’t matter if it was intentional. It doesn’t matter if you did nothing wrong. They are hurt so you listen to them (so you don’t accidentally hurt them in the future), and you apologize because what you did (whether it was something or nothing) hurt them enough that they felt the need to confront you about it. That’s how mature adults handle conflict.

Reaching for satellites
But all along
Under your breath, you're saying
That I was wrong, oh

When it comes to people’s feelings there is no right and wrong. By telling someone they are wrong you are invalidating that person’s feelings. Which is kind of a shitty thing to do when another person is trying to meet you halfway. You’ve heard me say that feelings are not facts and they aren’t.

Maybe you made a joke that you thought was hysterical and was not meant to come across as mean or insulting in any way, but you hurt someone’s feelings. Ask them why they were hurt and apologize that you hurt them because you were trying to be funny, but will not make jokes like that around them now that you know they find it hurtful. It’s not hard.

There’s a line in a song that goes “Swallow your pride before you choke on your issues”. I don’t remember the name of the song off the top of my head, but a big part of meeting someone halfway is being able to swallow your pride. Because if you don’t you may just choke on your issues or on your ego. I’m speaking from experience here. I screwed up in the past that’s how I know all of this. There’s a learning curve and it’s not easy!! I don’t want to make it sound like it is because it’s really hard, especially the first few times.

The skyscrapers we created
Are coming down
And free-falling to the pavement

Because if you can’t learn to communicate and compromise people cut you off or spend the rest of the time walking on eggshells around you constantly afraid to say the wrong thing or do something that will start an argument. They are not going to enjoy being around you. I don’t want to be around people like that. It’s so stressful and emotionally draining to be around them.

'Cause you won't let me breathe
And I'm not ever right
All we are is talking
Over each other
There's nothing underneath
It's all a waste of time
All we are is talking
Over each other
Oh, are we over each other?
Oh, are we over each other?

There’s another side to this. You can swallow your pride and own up and it doesn’t magically make everything better. It is a two-way street and if the other person isn’t willing to meet you in the middle, then sometimes it doesn’t work. In cases like that though you can have the peace of knowing you’ve done all you can and maybe one day they will extend a metaphorical olive branch, but until that day there’s really not much you can do.

I can't go to sleep
I lie awake at night
I'm so tired of talking
Over each other

I used to lay in bed wishing I could just talk to them. Talking openly and honestly can actually make a big difference in situations. People can’t read your mind so if you don’t tell them how you feel, how can you expect things to get better? No one can solve a problem if they don’t know it exists.

So say what's underneath
I wanna see your side
We don't have to be talking
Over each other x4

So don’t be afraid to talk. Don’t be afraid of being open and honest even if it sounds scary. But most importantly; listen, empathize, and own up to your mistakes. Don’t invalidate the other person’s feelings or brush them off because you don’t think you did anything wrong. 

Thank you for reading! Let me know what you think. Do you agree or disagree? I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments. Don’t forget to like this post and subscribe so you don’t miss out I hope you guys have a great week. I’m always cheering for you!

Sincerely,
LIBD

orange starfish

The Starfish and the Storm

Posted on by LIBD

Hello darkness my old friend, I’ve come to talk with you again. Sound familiar? You guys know I try not to be political, and I won’t start now. I’m just going to be honest. I try hard to make my Facebook a happy place. Cute kittens, bad puns, pretty horses, and all that good stuff. But no matter how hard I try it doesn’t keep all the bad out. I saw a story about a guy who hurt a bunch of baby kittens just to spite its owner. The police said the kittens were taken to the vet and recovering from their injuries.

It’s not just kittens though. National Parks cut funding. And if we can get people engaged with the natural world, how are we going to protect it? Poaching is still a problem, even with modern technology. I saw a few articles about students at a local university with valid student visas sent home and told they couldn’t learn here anymore. US Citizens were deported because they looked like they might not be. In the first three months of 2025, there have been 91 mass shootings in the United States, resulting in 118 deaths and 338 injuries. But the people in power want to keep handing out guns like Halloween Candy.

I had all of this in my head, and I was listening to the sound of silence (Disturbed’s version) and filled with sadness and hopelessness. I get so angry sometimes because I try to filter out the news I don’t actively seek it out. I only know these things, but I’m sure there’s much more. I’m angry because how are we as a society not screaming in outrage every day? How are we not crying ourselves to sleep at the mere thought of all the violence, hurt, pain, and injustice that’s happening every single day? But most importantly how do I find any hope in a broken world?

I know that not everyone is silent. There are a lot of people screaming into the void, pleading for peace and justice. There are a lot of people supporting the national parks, doing their part to help the environment, and trying to help people understand the gravity of our current situation. I saw a documentary about kid influencers and about family channels on YouTube. It’s not just politics. There are SO MANY issues with our world as it is right now.

I found out I’m not the only one who uses AI as a pocket therapist, but it has helped me in between visits with my psychiatrist a lot. It validates my feelings but also offers solutions, so I told it how I was feeling. It told me I probably wasn’t alone in these feelings and I know I’m not.

There are a lot of people hurting from all the hurt in the world. There are some problems that AI can’t help you fix. I can’t end war or world hunger or take all the plastic out of the ocean and make every farmer use sustainable agricultural practices to help the earth. I can’t stop poachers or make people care. I can write a blog post though, and Chat GPT did tell me something that helped. It said:

But even in the face of that darkness, your empathy is a kind of quiet resistance. The fact that you feel so much means your heart hasn’t hardened. That matters. That is light. You don’t have to fix the whole world. Just loving Kota the way you do, writing your blog to help others, showing up with kindness—that already shifts things more than you know.

The fact that we hurt, the fact that we care…. The fact that I used the word we means we are not just going to sit back and accept everything as if it’s okay. You can’t fix the world either, but you can be kind. You can support people and organizations that champion the cause you care about. I support the World Wildlife Fund, because animals and by extension their habitat, are very important to me. I can try to express my point of view compassionately, honestly, and respectfully. I can support other people who are also hurting.

This world may feel dark unkind and unjust, but it’s just a feeling. It doesn’t have to be fact. My dad has this quote he really likes that says “I cannot do all the good the world needs, but the world needs all the good that I can do” It’s not truly hopeless until we give up hope. So let’s keep caring, keep hoping, and keep doing all the good that we can do.

I’m going to end with the starfish story. It’s one of my favorites, and it’s by Loren Eiseley. It’s about a girl walking along the beach throwing starfish that washed up back into the water. This man sees her and asks what she is doing and the girl explains. He tells the girl there are so many starfish she can’t possibly save them all. The girl looks sad as she throws another one into the water, but then she says “Well, I saved that one!”.

Let’s find our starfish friends. Thank you for reading! It’s 11:19 and I’ve got an Easter Sunday service bright and early tomorrow, so I better get some sleep. Let me know your thoughts in the comments and be sure to subscribe so you never miss a post! Hang in there guys, and remember you are not alone.

Sincerely,
LIBD

assorted color star decor on maroon textile

#MusicMonday (Best Day of my life by Simple plan)

Posted on by LIBD

Surprise!!!! After writing frown, taking some time to be sad and angry, and getting a short but sweet pep talk from my friend. I think I wanna write it. Keeping in mind what I mentioned in last weeks post, I think it’s going to be a little different than what I thought I would write. That’s been how this entire series has gone though, so I’m not worried. I’ve been pleasantly surprised by how it’s turned out so far.

How many good things in my life have I missed out on
By not appreciated what I've got

A lot, but a long time a wrote a post where I mentioned how it’s hard to appreciate things you’ve always had. Until recently, I took for granted having my own space in my mom’s basement, it was just part of my life. I didn’t appreciate not having to think about every purchase I made and whether I could afford something or not. Since I moved in with my dad I’ve got 3 drawers and a foot and a half of closet space for my clothes, outside of work clothes and pj’s I’ve got maybe 4-5 summer shirts and 5-6 long-sleeve or hoodies. I never appreciated the variety I had to pick from. I’m so sick of wearing the same things over and over again.

Sometimes it's hard to see your lucky break for what it is
By only focusing on what it's not

I have this bad habit of always raising the bar. It started out if only I could drive my life would be better. Then it was if only I had a real job, I could be proud of myself. If only my blog had a few readers… If only my views were more consistent, I would be successful. If only I could get out of my mom’s house, I’d be better. Now it’s if only I had my own place I could be proud of myself. I never take time to be proud of myself, I just raise the bar in hopes of one day “having my life together”.

[Pre-Chorus Part 1]
But now I'm starting to see
That my happiness has always been up to me

Some days I do see it. We can’t control what happens to us, but we can control our reactions. For example: after my little crisis the other day, I could choose to focus on that or try to move past that and realize that what I was upset about doesn’t define myself or my life. It’s so hard though, but my life doesn’t have to suck if I don’t want it to. It’s good to be sad and it’s good to be angry, but I shouldn’t let those temporary feelings dictate whether my life is good or bad. It’s whatever I decide it will be today, and today I think I’ll stop being angry and sad about things that I can’t change.

[Pre-Chorus Part 2]
And now I'm starting to see
That I've already got what I need

When you reach the point where you can separate yourself from your feelings, you can look at it from a different perspective. I have a few perspectives that I tend to go back to. The ‘It could be worse’ perspective, the ‘look how far I’ve come’ perspective, or the ‘in the grand scheme of life, is this the hill I want to die on?’ perspective. It depends on the situation. It could be worse doesn’t really work because what I’m mad about isn’t necessarily something that could be that much worse. Looking at how far I’ve come might help, but I haven’t come nearly as far as I hoped, and that’s the problem.

The last one I think is my best bet given the situation. Out of all my problems, if this was the worst one, I wouldn’t even be mad about it. My life would have to be pretty great for this trivial matter to be the worst. I talked in the first post about people ruining your life, but problems and events can have the same power if we let them. Is this really the hill I want to die on. Is this really the thing that I’m going to let ruin my life. No, if anything is going to ruin my life, this is definitely near the bottom. I think it’s time to suck it up and move on.

[Chorus]
Today, I'll live like my glass is half full
There's light at the end of the tunnel
There's always a blessing in disguise
Or by your side
And I, I'm on the top of the world
I'm holding my chin up high
'Cause I'm livin' every day
Like it's the best f**kin' day of my life

I don’t think I could live every day like that. Realistically I don’t think any sane person could, but it’s a good reminder to step back and try to look at it from a different perspective. It’s not going to make it easier and it’s not going to make it go away, but it might make it smaller. I have a tendency when something is wrong to project that feeling on my entire life, but an Etsy shop with no traffic or views is hardly a reflection of my entire life as a whole. Just saying out loud sounds even stupider than I already know it was.

It's time to stop with all the judging by comparison
There's always someone who's got so much more

A lot of someone’s actually, somewhere out there though there’s also someone jealous of you. I promise. There are more successful people than me, there are more successful Etsy shops than mine, but there’s nobody else on earth who can be me better than I can. There’s no one on earth who could be you better than you can.

So what's the point of tryna keep up with it anyway?
Just live your life instead of keeping score
[Insert Pre-Chorus & Chorus]

Everyone’s got problems. Let’s not be jealous of other people’s problems just because they seem happy. Maybe I could be happy. Maybe I could be successful. Maybe I already am. The only reason I think I’m not, is because I use other people as a standard of what I think success looks like. If I take other people out of the equation, I’m just a person who tries really hard and has accomplished a lot. That’s something I think I could be proud of. I hope you can be proud of you too.

Every sunset, every wake
Every time I see your face
Moments I appreciate
I won't let them go to waste

If I can be mad that my Etsy shop isn’t doing well then can’t I also be impressed with how well I did at my last event? Why aren’t I? I can be mad that I don’t have my own horse, so why can’t I smile and remember all the time I spent with Melody and Sunshine. Why is it always the bad things I try so hard to hold onto?

Every high and every low
Every path and every road
Every moment, I'll embrace
I won't let them go to waste

I want to challenge myself whenever I think of something negative to think of something positive that has to do with whatever I was thinking about. What’s the point of good memories besides remembering them when life gets hard. When I’m sad they can remind me that I was also happy, when I think I’m failing they can remind me of my successes. When I think life sucks I can remember that it hasn’t always. It won’t make the feelings go away, but if nothing else it reminds us that there is hope.

Today, I'll live like my glass is half full
There's light at the end of the tunnel
There's always a blessing in disguise
Or by your side
And I, I'm on the top of the world
I'm holding my chin up high
'Cause I'm livin' every day
Like it's the best fuckin' day of my life
(Let's go)

I’m not going to feel happy every day, and not every day is going to be a good one, but at the end of the day the question I have to ask myself is this: Am I really going to let this moment or this feeling ruin my life? I’m not going to live every day like it’s the best day of my life, but I hope I can remember that for as bad as a moment might be, there was a moment that was just as good as this was bad. I read once that brains naturally tend to remember and focus on negative things. It’s not always easy to see a bright side. Life is difficult, and that will never change.

What can change is my perspective. There’s a time to scream and cry and be angry, but there’s also a time to remind my brain that this feeling doesn’t define my life. When I feel like a failure, I hope I can also remember the times I wasn’t. When life feels hopeless, I want to remember the time’s I had hope. When life feels meaningless, I hope I can remember the times it was meaningful. Maybe I won’t right away, as I’ve said many times it’s important to let yourself feel and process whatever you’re feeling. When we are done though I hope we can hold our chins up high and live each day like it’s not the worst day of our lives.

Sincerely,
LIBD

#Music Monday (Way Less Sad by AJR)

Posted on by LIBD

Hey y’all! I hope you are doing well. I can’t believe it’s July and I haven’t fallen behind in my posting schedule. Darn, I bet I just jinxed myself, thanks a lot, guys!! It’s not like there’s a backspace button or anything where I could just delete what I wrote and not jinx myself…. In a perfect world. Anyway, enough chitter chatter, let’s dive right in. You all read the title, right? I don’t have to do a fancy introduction. Y’all know what you’re reading, and if you don’t; Well, the fun is in the mystery. Let’s do this!!

I should move 'cause New York is gettin' muddy out
There's L.A. but it's always kinda sunny out

I keep saying I’m going to move to Arizona, but I hate moving. Also, I’ve discovered I’m one of those people who’s just never satisfied. 70 and Sunny is my ideal day. 60-70 is my ideal temperature zone for me to not complain. But I don’t like it super sunny either so I’ve just accepted wherever I want to move to, I would still complain. That’s just the kind of person I am

And I don't wanna hurt no more
So I set my bar real low

This is my secret to life. I’ve said before when I went to see Cats the Musical, my bar was set so low that even an ant couldn’t crawl under it. Because of that, I think I enjoyed the movie more than anyone else on earth. It was not nearly as horrible as I was expecting. They took a musical with no plot and made it into a movie that kind of had a plot and only changed the songs a bit. I still think they butchered Mungojerry and Rumpletezer’s song, but that’s not why we are here today.

[Pre-Chorus]
I'm a-okay, I'm a-okay 
You say it but you just don't mean it
You're so insane, you're so insane 
Shut up and just enjoy this feelin'

I’m not okay in the way most people mean when they say that, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I still have moments throughout the day that I enjoy. Right now I’m dealing with rotator cuff tendonitis which really sucks. I’d be more mad, but after 15 years I finally figured out what’s wrong with my arm so yay me!!!! I never say I’m good. I usually just say pretty good and sometimes I mean it, but feeling okay, like genuinely okay, is pretty fantastic.

[Chorus]
Don't you love it, don't you love it?
No, I ain't happy yet
But I'm way less sad
Don't you love it, don't you love it?
No, I ain't happy yet
But I'm way less sad

And you know what, I am WAY less sad than I used to be and I do love it. It’s quite refreshing. It feels good to wake up in the morning and not have any major catastrophes or crisis to deal with. Which is great since sometimes just dealing with my day can be a chore. You can’t always be happy though, so I have no problem settling with way less sad.

I wake up and I'm not so mad at Twitter now

The only way to not be mad at Twitter is to not be on Twitter, but maybe that was his strategy. Let me let you in on a secret… Twitter is stupid and pointless. If you want to stay in touch with someone, use Facebook. If you want a sense of community with random strangers, go join Reddit. The only thing people use Twitter for is to go pick fights with someone else whose life is so boring they also have nothing better to do than argue with rando’s online. I’m not so mad at Twitter anymore, but that doesn’t mean I hate it any less. Change my mind.

Livin' sucks but it's suckin' just a little now
And I don't wanna cry no more
So I set my bar real low

After 2 months of hell, I feel like anything would feel like a step up but I haven’t cried in like 2 weeks. How awesome is that? Please, hold your applause. You’re too kind, seriously stop clapping. I think I might start raising my bar just a bit. Maybe half an inch off the ground? That sounds like a good start, maybe in another week, I’ll raise it to a full inch who knows?

[Insert Pre-Chorus & Chorus]
I may wrong, I may be wrong
It's stupid but it's all I have

Maybe things aren’t actually great like I said in the last paragraph. When your life sucks that much for that long, anything is going to feel like a step up. I don’t care though. It’s stupid but it’s all I have. My counselor had to explain to me that I’m not having tiny manic episodes, I’m just actually happy and that’s a good thing. It feels good.

Don't you love it, don't you love it?
No, I ain't happy yet
But I'm way less sad

Quite frankly I’m not sure why he is asking. I don’t particularly care what you think of me or my feelings. If you are happy just be happy it doesn’t matter if anyone else loves it, I love it!!! Happiness still freaks me out a bit, but I can deal with way less sadness.

Well, I can't fall asleep and I'm losin' my mind
'Cause it's half-past three and my brain's on fire
I've been countin' sheep but the sheep all died
And I'm tryin' too hard but I can't not try

This is the problem with happiness. It always brings its side-kick excitement. I don’t need that when I’m trying to sleep!! How am I supposed to fall asleep if I’m all happy and looking forward to life? I hate how unnatural it feels. For example, I’m trying to fall asleep and it’s 11:30 and I have to work the next day, but all I can think about is how excited I am to open my Etsy shop. I was assured it’s not my bipolar disorder, but real genuine excitement which would be fine at like 3pm when my day starts dragging. Heaven forbid my feelings be convenient.

Well, I can't fall asleep and I'm losin' my mind
'Cause it's half-past three and my brain's on fire
I've been countin' sheep but the sheep all died
And I'm not dead yet, so I guess I'll be alright

That last line has gotten me through some of the worst days. When everything just seems so shitty I remember those words. It’s one thing to be told you’ll be alright, but it’s another thing entirely when I actually feel like I’m going to be alright. Sometimes those tiny little emotions feel more powerful than all the joy in the world.

[Insert Chorus]
I may be wrong, I may be wrong
It's stupid but it's all I have
Don't you love it, don't you love it?
No, I ain't happy yet
But I'm way less sad

I don’t think I’m wrong. Not right now at least. I’m not happy yet, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am way less sad.

Thank you so much for reading, I’ll post the song at the end. I got to see them perform this live along with a bunch of other amazing songs. It was sooooooooo much fun. Singing this song, and hearing it sung live. Not just because I like the songs, but because I truly believed the lyrics……. It’s hard to describe the sense of inner peace it gave me. I would love to see them again one day.

Don’t forget to like and leave a comment. Even if your comment is just that AJR is one of the best groups ever, you wouldn’t be wrong, so I’ll allow it. I hope you guys have a great week this week, and I will see you in 2 weeks with the intro to my new series ‘A Simple Plan for living life’. Get ready for even more music Mondays. I bet you’ll never guess which group it’s featuring…

Sincerely,
LIBD

lemon photo on person s thigh

When Life gives you Lemons

Posted on by LIBD

Hello again. How are you? It should be well into summer here by the time this gets posted. I’m doing better. I’m the proud owner of my mom’s old car, so that’s exciting. I had to get my own car insurance, which was an experience. Still no luck in finding a new place though, so it looks like I’ll be staying with my dad for longer than I hoped.

It’s so weird going from constantly walking on eggshells at my mom’s house just waiting to be yelled out for stupid stuff to just living my life. I keep waiting for them to get mad at me for something, so it’s going to take a while, I think, for me to stop being so on edge all the time.

I’m returning to Subway a few days a week to earn extra money to save up. Never thought I would be a 2-job kind of person, but when life gives you lemons…. Oh look, I magically managed to perfectly segway into today’s post. Let’s get to it then, shall we? Many of you are probably familiar with the phrase, ‘When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.’ Others might prefer one of my favorites, ‘When life gives you lemons, throw them at people,’ but I’m here to talk about a phrase you likely haven’t heard.

If you are one of my regular readers, you may remember I’m going to see AJR in June. I wrote a Music Monday a few years ago for their song 100 bad days. I could write about many of their songs, and maybe I will…. But today, I am referencing a line in the pre-chorus of their song ‘Break My Face.’ I’ll post the song at the bottom; it’s a real gem. The line is pretty simple. It says

"What doesn't kill you
Makes you ugly
Life gives you lemons
At least it gave you something."

I love this because I’m tired of hearing that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. It may be true, but I don’t feel stronger right now. I feel ugly. And that may not be true, but it makes me smile. Now, let’s get into the second half. This is so true. If life gives you lemons, you can decide for yourself if you want to make lemonade or just throw them at people. But at least you have lemons.

Lemon also tastes really good on roasted broccoli; mix it with some lemon juice and lemon zest, and you’ve got something good. But you could be stuck eating plain, boring roasted broccoli or just water, or you may not have anything to throw at people.

Life has given me A LOT, and I mean A LOT of lemons. Like if you need lemons let me know, I got you. At first, I wasn’t sure what to do. I knew I was NOT in the mood to make lemonade, and I’m not one to throw things at people. But at least I had something, and it took me a bit to realize it. My entire life became a massive trainwreck, and I felt so hopeless. Lately, I’ve realized I need to just be grateful that at least I have lemons.

A long time ago, I talked about a Korean drama I watched. One of the quotes I shared at the end was something like, “There is no comfort in knowing things could have been worse. Misfortune is just unfortunate.” That may have been true in the beginning, but eventually, there needs to come a time when you have to be grateful you’ve got lemons. It could have been worse.

My dad and his wife didn’t have to let me live with them or help me get my own car and insurance. There are some parents who aren’t that nice. The ladies at my church didn’t have to help me box up all my stuff when I was too upset to even think about boxing it up. When I had a major meltdown, my dad didn’t have to drop what he was doing to come pick me up and take me out to lunch. We didn’t leave the restaurant until we made a plan, and I no longer felt like my life was spiraling out of control.

This song and another song of theirs (Steve’s Going to London) can almost always cheer me up because they are just random and ridiculous in the best way. But we are talking about this one, so I will go ahead and share the Chorus.

Okay, so if I break my face
And I don't look so great
My face is just my face
Okay, so if I break my face
It ain't my darkest day
My face is just my face
I'm okay

Now, remember it’s taken me about a month to get to this point where I genuinely feel this way. When shit happens, it’s totally normal to feel hopeless or pessimistic. It’s actually very important to allow yourself to feel this way. During my meltdown, I remember the lady from my church who was there with me telling me to go ahead and feel however it was that I felt.

Only by acknowledging those feelings can we begin to heal; even then, it’s much easier said than done. Sometimes, it feels like life comes along and punches you in the face, but modern medicine has come a long way. I may be ugly now, but my face will heal, and then I’ll start washing it again. After a while, it will look even better than it did before. Plus, life gave me lemons, so at least it gave me something.

It’s not like when someone dies. No number of lemons is going to bring them back, but no one died, so I’m sure it’s not my darkest day. After all, my face is just my face, I’m not dead, and this is not going to permanently disfigure me, so while it may be scary and uncomfortable…. I think I’ll be okay. I might feel bad again, and that’s okay. Bad things that may not seem like a big thing to someone else can still be traumatic to the person experiencing it. And trauma takes time to heal.

Thank you for reading, and remember, this is just my perspective on what I’m going through in life. If you can’t relate, then I’m sorry I couldn’t be of more help, but that’s fine. Misfortune is unfortunate, and it’s important to process all our emotions, good and bad, before we can start healing. Also, don’t be afraid to ask for help because you have people in your life who want to help. It may not seem like it, but it’s true, and I would not have made it this far without all the people who have helped and supported me through this.

Remember, I’m always cheering for you, and I’ll see you in a few weeks. They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, but I don’t believe that. I think we are all stronger than we can possibly imagine. We just have to believe in ourselves and remember how much we already have overcome when we didn’t think we could.

Sincerely,
LIBD