Tag: motivation

Alright, a few notes really quick: I already wrote this once, and Microsoft word could only be bothered to save 300 of the 3000 words I wrote, so now it’s late, and I’m angsty. I’m glad I’m typing, so you can’t see the smoke coming out of my ears are the fire coming out of my eyes. But anyway, it’s okay. 괜찮아, I’m perfectly calm. 30 minutes later, this is an excellent example of what ON means to me. If I didn’t want to throw my laptop across the room right now, I’d say it was meant to be. The translation for this was from color-coded lyrics website, so less work for me; woot woot! That being said, there was one I changed, but I’ll mark it with*. Okay, on to the song. Haha, get it? ON? I’m so funny!

I can’t understand what people are sayin’
Whose words should I be following?
When I take one step forward
My shadow grows one step bigger

I feel like everyone has expectations for my life. When one person is happy for me, the other person isn’t. Then when that person’s proud of me, everyone else is like, “well, is that really what you want in life?” It seems like everybody has an opinion about me. I’m trying to make my life the best it can be, but it’s hard when I don’t know what I’m doing. Every time I make progress, I feel like 20 more obstacles come up.

Waking up and opening my eyes, where am I?
Maybe Seoul or New York or Paris
I’m getting up but my body’s swaying

Last week was terrible. Every day I woke up just dreading the day to come, and when I got to work, I was like, “I knew I shouldn’t have gotten out of bed this morning.” Life is rough and hard. Sometimes it’s annoying and just flat-out exhausting, but it’s life, and it is what it is.

Look at my feet, look down
This shadow resembles me
Is it him who’s shaking?
Or is it me and my toes?

I think part of my problem is that life seems so scary sometimes. It’s scary to leave your comfort zone, even if it’s doing something you want to do. What annoys me the most is that I get scared when my life isn’t going anywhere, but when it starts to go somewhere, I start freaking out. I wish I could stay in my comfort zone for the rest of my life, but that’s unrealistic. Sure, I wouldn’t be so scared, but would I really be happy wondering for the rest of my life what could have happened if I just went for it?

There’s no way I can’t be afraid
There’s no way I’m okay
But still I know
Awkwardly, I flow
I’m flying with the dark wind

I really like this part because it’s kind of saying you don’t have to be fearless. You don’t have to know exactly what to do and how to get where you want to go. Sometimes life is just doing what I’m doing now. I’m just rolling with it, and even if I don’t know how I will get there, that’s okay too. It doesn’t always go great, but I’m trying, and that’s what matters most at the end of the day.

[Pre-chorus]
*Gotta go insane to stay sane* 

This is so true. At some point in life, you’ve got to go a little insane if you don’t wanna totally lose it. You need to have a little bit of crazy in you to balance out the crazy that’s life, like last night when I had to re-write everything. Sure may have cussed and died a little inside, but thankfully I was already a little crazy. I’m sure I would have just curled up in the corner and cried if I wasn’t.

[Pre-chorus continued]
I’m throwing myself to both sides of the world
Hey na na na
Can’t hold me down cuz you know I’m a fighter
It’s a beautiful prison that I’ve walked into
Find me and I’m gonna live with ya

I should probably say at this point that I didn’t write the song, obviously, ha! I wish. But this is just my interpretation of what the lyrics mean to me personally, so even if it doesn’t make sense, that’s okay because this is just my own thoughts and feelings. I like this part, especially when it talks about a beautiful prison. It reminds me of my post from a long time ago about personal prisons. I often get stuck in my comfort zone because it’s all nice, comfy, and predictable. Still, I can’t move on with my life that way. We have to throw ourselves out there, even if it’s scary. Even if it doesn’t have that feeling of safety like comfort zones do, the nice thing about stepping out of it is that outside there will be people to help us. They can help us find our way and fight for our goals, so even if it’s still scary, we can at least be comfortable not dealing with it alone.

[Chorus] 
(Eh-oh) Bring it, bring the pain oh yeah
(Eh-oh) Get on, bring the pain oh yeah

I still have bad days or days I feel depressed when I just want to be miserable. Ideally though, this is how I want to handle my life. I want to look at life in general and be like, “yeah, do your worst, see what happens.” Some days at work are just plain awful. It’s like, “everything sucks already, so what’s a few more things to add to the pile.” However, I have to remind myself that in life, it’s essential to have that fighting spirit because whatever I want in life isn’t going to be handed to me. If I want it, I have to go and get it myself.

Rain be pourin’
Sky keep fallin’
Everyday oh na na na
(Eh-oh) Bring it, bring the pain oh yeah

Life is always going to be complicated. We’re never going to reach a point where it’s just suddenly easy and smooth sailing from here on out. Like the song says, rain be pourin’ sky keep falling every day. That’s life, and we have to choose how we handle it. We can either fight it, or we can lay down on the ground in defeat which admittedly I have done before. Trust me, it does feel good, but it won’t get you anywhere. Sometimes I have to take a few minutes to lay there and collect myself, and that’s fine as long as I’m willing to get back up eventually. Whether it’s a day, week, or month. Sometimes I just don’t want to fight anymore, and everyone needs a break sometimes, but my breaks tend to be longer than they need to be.

Bring the pain
Everything will become my blood and flesh
Bring the pain
No fear, cuz I know the way

I said before that it can be scary throwing yourself out there. Even though I’m pushing towards something that I want to do, and I’m excited about that, the journey is still scary. This song reminds me that even if it gets difficult, and if it doesn’t go exactly the way I planned, I can handle it. I’ve handled everything so far, and I know I’m going to be okay because I have faith in myself to be strong enough to deal with it.

For every thing little, breathe
It’s my oxygen and light in the darkness
My strength for everything I do
Even if I fall, I’ll get up again, scream

That’s what has always been weird for me, though; Getting anxious when things aren’t going how I thought they should and getting even more anxious when things start going my way. It’s a never-ending cycle of trying to believe in myself to be strong, capable, and determined enough to fight for how I want my life to turn out. Not thinking about what anyone else wants it to look like, but what I want it to look like.

Even if I fall, I’ll get up again, scream
Cuz that’s what we always do
Even if my knees touch the ground
As long as I don’t get buried
It’ll be just another happening

Even when I feel discouraged, this is how I want to be able to handle my life as a whole. Even when things don’t look the best, or when it’s not going the way I want it to, or not going well at all. Even when everything that could go wrong is going wrong. I want to say to myself, “it’s okay! I’ve got this. I’m not going to let myself be defeated by this today”. I like where it says Cuz that’s what we always do because it’s true. Every time I’ve fallen in the past, I’ve always gotten back up. Sometimes I fall further than others, but if I’ve done it before, I can do it again, and It’ll be just another happening. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and all that.

Win no matter what
Win no matter what, Win no matter what
Whatever you say, whatever anyone says
I don’t give a uhh, I don’t give a uhh,
I don’t give a uhh
[Insert Pre-chorus and Chorus]

I couldn’t have said it better myself Suga.

Please allow me to breathe
In this place where my pain lives
My everythin’
My blood and tears
Got no fears
I’m singin’ ohhhhh

Part of the reason this song is so important to me is that many years went by, and I just let myself get defeated by life. It was not a good feeling, yet I had no intentions of ever getting back up. Everything seemed meaningless and hopeless, and it was awful. I was just stuck there for years because I didn’t mentally have the strength or confidence to deal with it. Now that I’ve gotten help and have the tools at my disposal to deal with life, I want to make the most of it. I don’t want to fall back into that pointless and meaningless funk I was in. I wasted so much of my life being miserable. Instead of just being like, “hey, instead of sitting here being miserable, why don’t I go do something about it?”. At the same time though, I didn’t feel like I could do anything about it back then, but I got help, and now I know I can. Even as far as I’ve come, I still have times when I want to lay down and accept defeat. I still have times when it takes me a little while to be ready to try again, but I won’t let myself waste any more time being defeated by life. I want to find out just how great life can be, and I’m not going to stop until I do. After all this awfulness, I think I’ve more than earned some greatness, and I’m not going to give up until I find it.

Oh I’m takin’ over
You should know yeah
Can’t hold me down cuz you know I’m a fighter
I’ll gladly be locked in this dark abyss

It’s easy to say all this stuff but putting it into action is a different story. I have gotten better though, as I’ve said. Whenever I’m depressed, I just have to tell myself that even though I’m sad, it’s OK because it’s not going to last forever. Sometimes just making it through the day is all you can do, and that’s just as good as anything. I hate being positive all the time; it’s exhausting. I don’t always want to look on the bright side. Whenever people tell me, “Well, it could be worse.” I always say, ” Thank God it’s not because if it was, I’d be curled up in the corner crying right now.” I know it could be worse, and life is full of challenges and obstacles. Still, I also know that anything I want in life, if I really want it, I have to go after it myself and hope for the best. Other people can help me, but no one can live my life for me.

Find me and I’m gonna bleed with ya
Bring it, bring the pain oh yeah
(Eh-oh)
Get on, bring the pain oh yeah

There’s a line in the song Superheroes by The Script that says, “Every day, every hour, turn the pain into power,” and that’s what I want to do. Instead of getting discouraged by problems, I want to be able to look at them as another opportunity to learn and grow. Another chance to practice my ability to keep going even when it’s hard. If we want happiness, we have to get it ourselves. I get my happiness at my weekly riding lessons or when I order a new K-pop album for my collection. Sometimes I get my happiness from meaningful conversations with friends or playing with my niece. Especially when everything in my life goes wrong, it’s essential to find those little pockets of happiness to keep me going.

Rain be pourin’
Sky keep fallin’
Everyday oh na na na

Everyday.

(Eh-oh) Find me and I’m gonna bleed with ya
(Eh-oh) Bring it, bring the pain oh yeah
(Eh-oh) Get on, bring the pain oh yeah

I think the most important thing I learned in dealing with anxiety, depression, self-esteem, and stuff like that is that I have to want it for myself; otherwise, it’s not going to happen. After 10 years, I finally reached the place mentally where I want something more out of my life and feel like I deserve something more out of my life. That’s something I wish I could tell everyone that’s going through hard times. No matter what happens, you deserve so much more than what you’re dealing with now. You deserve it, and you have the power to make that happen! Sometimes the first step is getting help because part of this is just being in the place mentally to want it and believe in yourself, and I needed a lot of help to get where I am today.

All that I know
Is just goin’ on & on & on & on

I’ve always said, “The more I know, the more I realize how much I don’t know.” If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that the world keeps spinning, and life will go on and on and on whether you’re with it or not. Even when it feels like it’s dragging, and nothing is happening. Every day if you’re still here, you’re still trying, and if you’re still trying, there’s always hope for a better tomorrow. I have to keep reminding myself of that. Some days I wonder why I’m trying so hard, especially when I’m seeing no results. I just have to tell myself that I’m at least trying on those days. Because even though it may not look promising, today was another day that wasn’t letting life get the best of me. I have to throw a quote in here. It’s a quote from Namjoon (he’s one of the members of BTS, for my non-K-pop readers). My friend sent it to me in her extensive proofreading notes, and I thought it was perfect for what I’ve been talking about…

 “In Korean, the word ‘future’ is made up of two parts. The first part means ‘not,’ and the second means ‘to come.’ In that sense, ‘future’ means something that will not come. This is to say the future is now, and our now is us living our future”. 

Kim Namjoon

And it’s so true too. If I want a better future, than I have to start with a today.

(Eh-oh) Bring it, bring the pain oh yeah

Sincerely,
LIBD

The End. This is just extra ramblings; read at your own risk:
Just be careful when you look life in the eyes and say bring it on you. You never know when an important document you just spent two hours on will mysteriously disappear. So be careful, because sometimes it will. I just remind myself that this is a character-building experience so that if this ever happens again, hopefully, I won’t cuss, or I don’t even know……. I’m so mad. I’m so so so so unbelievably mad. Like, I don’t really get physically angry, but like right now, I wish I did because I would love to just scream right now. I’m so glad I’m not bitter about spending an extra 3 hours trying to remember what I said. Then rewrite everything because my stupid phone must have only been half listening to what I was saying!!!!!. I made it though, and if it’s not that great, rest assured that the other one was super good. If this one’s not, I apologize; I don’t remember exactly what I wrote. Alright, I quit; I give up. I’m so done with this!!!! If I didn’t love this song so much, I wouldn’t have had to go to all this trouble. Why does every single one of BTS’s songs have to be amazing!!! It’s not fair!!! But like I said, totally not bitter about it………
Before I end though, I have to give a big shoutout to my friend for proofreading this hot mess and helping me make it make sense. It has taken me almost 3 times as long to edit as it did to rewrite. Turns out talk to text isn’t accurate when you try to use it for whole paragraphs. It was bad. You don’t even know.
One of her notes was, “Not sure what “Deleigh” was supposed to be. The talk to text was having fun with this sentence, lol”.
I never did figure out what I was trying to say. I had to take the whole sentence out.
Another Note said: “Were you just trying to quote the lyrics? Also, I’m enjoying reading this way too much because I think it’s a mixture of talk to type and you on Benadryl, lol”.
It works great for my allergies, but I can only take it at night for this reason. I was so mad about 2 hours of work disappearing that I forgot I had taken it. Finally, I was just like, “I’m sorry, but it’s all you.” then I went to bed, and I spent the last hour trying to decipher what I meant last night while voice typing, half asleep. So, I hope it’s good. I really tried. Let me know what you think.