Tag: fear

What Am I Really Afraid Of

Posted on by LIBD

I’ve been sad lately. Not a crying sad, but a tired, burnt-out type of sad. I was watching Chasing Maverick’s this evening, and a quote stood out to me. It was, “What are you afraid of? You’ve got a chance to change everything. Take it…. This is about the choices you make in life. This is about finding that one thing that sets you free. You need to believe in yourself, or none of this matters.”
It got me thinking, what am I really afraid of? Beyond social anxiety, fear of water, and making phone calls. What is it that really bugs me, deep down inside? I never thought about it. I prefer to ignore it like all my problems, lol. What good is it to think of such things? Perhaps he was trying to say that you cannot overcome your fears if you don’t acknowledge them. So what is Er-Budd so afraid of. I’ve always known the answer to that question. I’m just not sure there is anything to be done about it. I’m not brave like the boy in the movie, but perhaps acknowledging them is overcoming them. Maybe once you are aware of them, you can work to deal with the fear until you can overcome it. What if I can’t though?
I’m afraid one day, when I die, my life will have meant nothing. All the tears, all the pain, all the blog posts……. I’m afraid my entire life will have been meaningless. Okay, now I’m crying sad I guess. All I’ve ever wanted is to make the world a better place. My life sucks, but I’ve always felt like it will suck a lot less, knowing I made someone else’s life better. I’m afraid I want my blog to be popular and well-known for selfish reasons. As much as I shallowly wish to have love, fame, and fortune, it terrifies me. I’m afraid I’m not really a good person. I’m so scared if people knew everything about me, no one would like me. I’m worried I’m not good enough. I’m afraid my blog is pointless. Like, 5 people read it. How can I change the world with an audience of 5?
Don’t get me wrong, my 5 readers, I appreciate you dearly, but as I said, I’m selfish. I’m afraid I’m not good enough. I talk all day about how I don’t care what anyone thinks of me. Still, I’m terrified of getting a tattoo because I’m worried about what other people will think, what I will think. I’m terrified of making more mistakes. I’ve made so many already, and I don’t want to be a failure. I have already failed at school, and I’m concerned my life is going nowhere. I’m scared to death that what I am now is all I’ll ever be. I just want my life, my blog, or anything about me to mean something.
Geez, I’ve been trying to get myself to cry for 2 days now. I was just trying to ignore everything that was making me sad. Now that I’m acknowledging it, I can finally cry properly. I think most of all, I’m afraid I’m going to be scared forever. I just want to make this shitty world a little less shitty for everyone. I’m worried I’m not trying hard enough. I’m afraid I don’t care enough. I’m not a nice person, and I’m terrified that one day everyone will see how truly horrible I am. I hate putting money in the church offering, yet I’ll buy kpop merch without a second thought. I don’t always want to spend time with people, but then I get mad when they don’t want to spend time with me. I hate that I can’t say everything I would like to tell my parents because there are some things you shouldn’t say to adults older than you, even if it’s true. I hate respecting others when they refuse to respect me. I hate telling customers to have a great day when I’m not having a great day. I hate how much I hate. I’m worried that no one will ever love me, and I’ll die forever alone. I’m afraid I’ll forever be an extra in the background like I always have been. I want so badly to be the main character. However, I’m also afraid I’ll become fake and hypocritical and more self-absorbed than I already am. I want my life to mean something so badly, yet I’m terrified of what will happen if it does. Who am I??? I’m just some person who works at a fast-food place. I’m just another face you’ll see in passing. I’m no one special, and that kills me inside to admit.
So, what am I afraid of?? I’m afraid I’ll never matter, but I’m also afraid of the person I’ll become if I do. I’m afraid I’ll only ever be just another human being in the endless expanse of time. Why am I trying so hard with this blog? Perhaps because even if no one cares, at least I can say I’m doing something no matter how pointless or insignificant. I’ve always been jealous of the people who were popular and loved by everyone. That’s what I’ve always wanted, but how self-centered and pathetic is that?. Then people would know how not nice I am. There are so many successful people doing meaningful, significant things with their life, and I’m over here, typing away to an audience of just a few. Life is terrifying. The kid in the movie went on to be amazing. He died really young, which was super sad, but he left something behind for the rest of the world. What if 65 years from now, I die old and alone with nothing to show for my entire life. What am I even doing here? I just trying to make my life a life worth living, and all I can do is hope and pray that one day it will be, but I’ll never know for sure, and that’s what scares me most of all. I’ll end this one with a quote from a song I’ve always held onto.

Swallow your pride before you choke on your issues
I know you got family and folks that’ll miss you
So don’t misuse this gift you’ve been given
This life’s but a dream you are blessed to be livin’
I take everything
Your hopes and your dreams and your hate and your lies
Mmm, mmm, mmm, in this life
I’ll join everyone
From the old and the wise to the young as they fly
Ooh, when I die
And basically man, I’m just a dude who tries to do right
You know I try to make my tomorrows better than my yesterdays
Without hurting anyone else in the process
Cause if you leave the world a better place than it was when you got here
then we all win

Everything by Murs

Sincerely,
LIBD

K Quotes: Scared

Posted on by LIBD

“Were you scared?”
“Yes. But it didn’t help to be scared. In each phase of our lives, we have to deal with different problems. We need to face those problem, so we can live in peace.

My Amazing Friend

This was actually a Chinese show, not a Korean one. Don’t watch it. The ending sucks. It’s not sad or not good; it’s just a stupid ending, and I disapprove of it. Moving on…… This is very fitting for the moment. Tomorrow I am going to do something scary so that I can live in peace. Well, tomorrow of the day I started writing this. I have to switch doctors, so I have to call my new one. If you know me, then you know that making phone calls are on the top of my list of things that terrify me. I hate making phone calls, but it’s step one on my list of scary and annoying problems I must face if I want to live in peace.

I think I posted a quote a while back on LIBD’s IG account: “do the scary thing first and get scared later.” I’m very good at getting scared, so I think I’ll excel more in the second part. Anyway, he’s got a good point, though. Being afraid doesn’t help. Like, at all. I don’t even really know what I’m scared of. At least with my fear of water, I can justify it. I don’t know what’s below the surface, and I don’t like unknown creatures touching me. Also, I’ve watched river monsters, and even if the fish don’t kill you intentionally, death is death. When I was younger and we were on vacation, I already didn’t like lakes. However, my brother picked me up and carried me out to where the water was up to my chin, and in my panicked run back to shore, I swear something touched my leg. I was crying by the time I made it back to the beach, and to this day, I will not set foot and any water that doesn’t have chlorine in it. It’s also a pretty common fear. Being afraid of phone calls just sounds stupid. No one ever died making a phone call.

My psychiatrist says it’s not abnormal for people with anxiety to be afraid of phone calls. Something to do with the fact that you can’t read body language or facial cues. Also, the whole gist of anxiety is that it’s an irrational feeling of fear. If it made sense, then it wouldn’t be anxiety. Which is incredibly annoying when you think about it. I’ve been putting it off for way too long, though, and it is something that needs to be done. Even if I’ve reached the point where I’m not living in a perpetual state of stress because of the things I need to do, I will have to get them done eventually. Especially if I want to continue to be proud of myself. I need to face my fears so I can make my life even better.

Here’s my plan for tomorrow after work. I’m going to this super delicous chicken place; after we eat and come back home, I’m going to sit at the table with my mom, and she will help me figure out what to say. I was going to reward myself with the other 2 versions of Oneus’s Devil album. That was until I opened them yesterday, so now there’s no reward apart from the feeling of relief that comes with crossing something off my to-do list. Also, I didn’t get any Ravn photocards or pictures. I got 2 Xion, 2 Leedo, and Seoho which was a pleasant surprise. I did get a Ravn photocard when my friend got me their ‘Fly With Us’ album. I think I was more excited about that than the actual album. Ravn is my favorite, but I had never gotten one of his photo cards. I’d gotten everyone except him and Seoho, but now I have both, so I have at least 1 of everyone, but I would like more. I’m so sorry I got off topic again, didn’t I?

Okay, so after I wrote that, I got distracted and started organizing my photocards and forgot that I was writing this………Oops

That plan failed. I have called the doctor, though, so step 1 is complete. I now just have to call the neurologist and the dentist. Except here’s the thing………. I’m TERRIFIED of the dentist. My last dentist was friendly, but now I have to go to a new dentist who could be awful. I would rather die than go to the dentist. I would rather work a closing shift at work than have to go to the dentist. I would rather watch pride and prejudice all day long than have to go to the dentist……………… Actually, maybe not all day, but like 3 episodes. That’s how badly I don’t want to go. I had a panic attack the other day about it. My jaw hurt, so I started freaking out, thinking I had a cavity and how I should go to the dentist. I just started crying like a baby about making phone calls and going to the dentist. My mom and her fiancée spent almost the entire drive to Outback Steakhouse, where we were going to dinner, trying to calm me down. Anyway, tomorrow morning I’m supposed to get those calls made. Then I will go to the……… ugh… dentist. Just saying it sounds awful.

I think I get what he’s saying, though. It is terrifying; there’s no denying that. Just talking about it is freaking me out, but if I don’t deal with it, it will keep freaking me out. I don’t think he’s even trying to be comforting, but he’s right. There will always be obstacles in life that will be in our way and drag us down. We must decide if we want to keep being held back by these things. It’s not easy to do scary things, but if I just do it and get it over with, then it won’t be looming over my shoulder. It doesn’t make it any less scary; it’s like when I went to a cabin with my friends.

It was the middle of winter, and they were excited that there was a hot tub. I was skeptical about using a hot tub in the winter, but it was quite wonderful. Until it was time to get out, haha. It was so cold getting out, especially after comfortably lounging in a HOT tub. Realistically I couldn’t spend the rest of my life there, but it was so cold outside. Finally, I ran (Yes, that’s right, Er-budd actually ran, so you know it was serious) inside. The towel did absolutely nothing to keep me warm. It was awful; I was shivering so bad. In a matter of 2 minutes though, I was back into another warm fuzzy sweater and leggings. Which I think is the only thing the 3 of us packed for our 2-day stay, haha. Just sweaters and leggings. It was lovely. It was exactly as horrible as I thought it would be, but once I got it over with, I could get back to relaxing inside the warm cabin.

I think that’s how I will have to deal with this. It will be horrible, but I can be at peace again once it’s over. I really would like to be at peace again. My old psychiatrist loved to tell me to “just do it”…………. It really made me want to punch her in the face. That was her solution to everything to “just do it.” Perhaps this is what she meant, but as my counselor always says. It’s important to remember the difference between what they said and what I heard. She said, “Just do it,” but I heard, “Suck it up, and get over it.” I think she was just terrible at her job, but keep in mind you are only hearing my side of the story. I could be a terrible patient.

It’s getting late, so I better get some sleep if I want to be up early to start my morning off horribly……. Wish me luck

Two week’s later: Well…….. I done did it. It took…. I don’t know 2 months, maybe 3, since I started writing this. Also, I cut my finger at work, so typing this is very awkward. I still have the dentist left, but I’ve survived the worst of it. I didn’t die while making phone calls, and it does feel nice to live in peace without having it looming over my head.

Do you want to know what the secret is? Wait till you are having a terrible day. I came home from work one day, and it was a horrible day. I thought, “There is no sense ruining a perfectly good day with phone calls. This day already sucks, so let’s take it all the way and make those phone calls too.”

Anyway. Thanks for reading. I’m sorry if this is lame, but I wanted to post something, and with Oneus’s comeback still going on, I knew if I didn’t do it right now, it wouldn’t get done. If you haven’t listened to their song Black Mirror you should totally check it out, it’s terrific. Until next time…

Sincerely,
LIBD