What a title, am I right? If you think the title is confusing, just wait till you start reading what I’m about to write. I was talking to a friend today, and in the spirit of “respecting the privacy of others,” I will simply share one of my responses. As soon as I wrote it, I suddenly felt very sad. She had a friend going through a tough time in her life, and she just wanted to help her and make everything better. It reminded me of me. Well, me from 3 years ago. She was sad because as much as she tried to help, it seemed everything just kept going wrong, and my response was this….
“It would be nice if we could wave a magic wand and solve all of the problems in the world and have all the wrongs made right, but sadly there is no magic wand, and sometimes life just sucks. I wish I could give better advice or comfort, but I got a stern talking to a while back about taking on other people’s problems, so I tend to be quite selfish now with things like this. I just feel like if I can’t save the entire world, I would rather be ignorant of it.”
And honestly, that’s an awful thing to say, but it was the truth for me. Let me explain my rudeness. First of all, the stern lecture I got about taking on other people’s problems….. Something happened long ago, and it changed how I saw the world. I felt like it was my responsibility to do whatever I could to help the person. Constantly thinking about them, worried about them, and one day one of the therapists from the program I was in told me something that I have never forgotten to this day. She said, “You are not physically or emotionally responsible for anyone’s life except your own.” Back then, it was a yeah, whatever thing, but the older I got and the more I struggled, I realized something. I am only responsible for my own life. When people die, or when terrible things happen, it’s sad……. But it’s not my fault or my responsibility.
It’s not my job to save the world. I can’t save everyone because I’m only one person, and over time I realized how important that was for my mental health. There are levels to the problems I will help others deal with, but at certain levels, I find it best to stay out of it. If it ends poorly, I will feel like I should have done better or tried harder when the truth is that the thoughts and actions of others are out of my control. For that reason, I decided that if I couldn’t fix it, I would rather just not know about it. I always jokingly tell people that ignorance is bliss, and anyone who says otherwise is either depressed or stupid. I don’t want to be depressed, so I prefer not to know. I avoid the news like the plague, so anything I hear comes from others, and it’s usually just little things of no particular value or meaning to me.
On the other hand, from a moral standpoint, I feel like anyone who wants to be blissfully ignorant of the world and everything in it is not a very good person. Yet that happens to be the very thing I practice and preach. It makes me think that maybe right and wrong aren’t always black and white. While some people might think my worldview is childish or irresponsible, I don’t think it is. It’s not that I don’t care. I know the world can be a horribly dark, depressing place. I know that while I don’t always act like it, I live a life of luxury in comparison to the living situation of millions of other people. I’m not stupid, I just don’t want to be sad, and I don’t think people can be labeled bad and good.
It’s like in this tv show I watched where the bad guy died (It was a very long and emotional death scene), and I felt so bad. Part of me said he didn’t deserve to die, but the other part reasoned that he was trying to kill the main character, and if he had lived, he wouldn’t have stopped until the main character was dead. However, as he was dying (and taking forever to do so), he talked about his sister and how he missed her and wanted to get revenge. Then there was this side story about kites, and I’m gonna stop there before I start crying about it again, but I realized something. In tv shows, you see much more than you see in real life. The main characters weren’t there when he died, and as far as they know, he was just a heartless killer who deserved to die. They didn’t see how much it hurt him to lose his sister, especially when he told her not to go with the main character, and then she did, and then she died. Hence the intense hatred. They don’t know anything. All they know is that he was a heartless killer.
I’m not saying his actions were okay. Still, when you lose someone you love the most, is it really that crazy that he wanted revenge on the person he felt was responsible for his sister’s death? While killing is never okay, did he really deserve to die? Part of me says yes, part of me says no, and the other part says, “stop it, this is giving me a headache!” In life, we don’t get to know the whole story. The only story we know is our own. We all cried when Professor Snape died in Harry Potter because we realized that he wasn’t really this monster that you thought he was. He was a human doing his best in a terrible situation.
It was difficult to not hear the news when the lead singer of Linkin Park committed suicide. A common thing when people commit suicide or attempt it is guilt from the people around them. They feel like they could have saved them if they had just paid more attention or done something differently. You can’t save anyone, but yourself and aren’t responsible for their decisions. The main reason I ended up in the hospital was that I knew I wanted to die, but I didn’t really want to, so I decided to ask for help. I just wanted it all to stop and the pain to go away, but I didn’t want to die. I just couldn’t think of any other way to get it to stop, but because of that decision, I was able to get help. I had to make that decision for myself, though. Also, when tragedies happen, there is no point with what if’s. It is what it is, and it may be terrible for me to not care, but I can’t. I can’t emotionally invest myself with everyone who is hurting. No matter how much I would love to, I can’t end world hunger and global warming. I can’t wave a wand to fix these problems. No matter how much I wish I could, I can’t do it. I can help and be supportive, but I’m not responsible for saving the world or its people. I’m only responsible for myself and my own life.
I feel terrible that I just really don’t care sometimes because isn’t that horrible? But I can’t care about everyone and everything anymore. I can’t. I care about those close to me, but everyone else……. I don’t want anyone to be suffering or alone or going through a hard time, but I can’t save them. I can’t save any of them, and apart from offering encouraging words and support, that’s my extent of caring these days. For anyone who reads my blog, I can’t fix your problems, and I can’t save you. All I can’t do is write and hope that something I say gives you the strength to keep fighting. Because you deserve happiness, and you deserve to feel good about your life and be excited when you think about your future. It is possible. I can promise you that, but you have to want it because everything I am today; all my happy days and positive thoughts and excitement about my life….. No one did that for me. I’ve had help from lots of people along the way, but I’m the one who took their advice. I’m the one who kept fighting for my happiness, and I know you can do it too. Never be afraid to ask for help. The world isn’t black and white. I often don’t know how to be a good person or even what a good person is. I like to think I’m good, but I’m not great. I don’t know the answer to all of life’s questions, but that’s not our purpose. That’s not the reason we are here. We are here simply to do the best with what we know and to do better when we know better.
Most importantly, amidst all the craziness, we are here to be happy and enjoy our lives. Some people like me might need help to do that, but there are many people who are glad to help. All you have to do is ask. The world may be dark, but it has its bright spots, too, if you know where to look. Don’t get hung up on the what-ifs, maybes, and shoulds because there is no end, and more importantly, you are looking for answers to questions that can’t be answered. I don’t know if I’m a good person or a heartless monster. What I do know is that I’m doing the best with what I know. When I know better, I do better, and when I do better, I feel better, and when I feel better, life is better, and when life is better, I’m happy. It’s not as easy as waving a magic wand, and there’s no black and white set of rules to get you there, but when you do get there…….. It will all be worth it.
I didn’t know exactly what I would write, but I like where this went. None of us are superheroes, and it’s vital that we remember that. It’s good to be kind, supportive, and encouraging, but let it end there. Your life is too important to waste even a moment of it trying to live someone else’s for them. At the end of the day, you are most important, and your life is the one you are stuck with, so make sure you take good care of it. Remember the metaphor of you having to wear your oxygen mask before you can help someone put theirs on. If you want to help people, focus on your happiness first. Once you’ve got your own happiness, it’s much easier to help others find theirs. I hope you each know how wonderful, beautiful, and extraordinary you are. If you don’t, you should put yourself first more often. People may call it selfish, but how can you build others up if your own life is in pieces. Your life and happiness are more important to you than theirs, and their life and happiness are more important to them than yours. I hope you keep that in mind as you find your way through the twisted maze we call life, and I wish you all the success and happiness along the way.
Sincerely,
LIBD
Morals and Magic Wands
