Hey y’all, it’s been a long time, hasn’t it? I had a bad day that turned into a bad month that never seemed to end. I have good days here and there, but it all feels the same at the end of the day. Like tonight, I had a really great time at my riding lesson. It was so much fun, yet here I am, all bummed out, feeling like I just want to cry. I probably will before I finish this. I talked to my counselor today, and she told me to blog because it helps. So even though I don’t want to, I’m lying here in bed typing on my phone. It’s probably going to have a bunch of typos, but honestly, I’m too tired to care about that right now.
I don’t even really know what to type. Depression sucks because it’s so freakin’ hard to do anything. I have all this stuff I need to do, but I can’t bring myself to do it. Yep, here come the tears…. I don’t like that I can’t even get myself to brush my teeth most days. I want to put my laundry away, so I don’t have to dig through baskets to find clothes, but I can’t bring myself to do that either. That’s just the little stuff though. I’ve also got to get my permit, switch doctors, and a bunch of other adult-type things, and just thinking about it makes me want to give up.
I made tentative plans with a friend that I’m trying not to think about because I can’t even be excited because I’m terrified something going to come up for them. It will not work out because that’s how it tends to go with the people making plans. I get it; life happens, but why is it always me?
Also, I hate to be petty, but one of the members of Stray Kids left, and it’s not a big deal, but it is because K-pop was supposed to be the one thing I could always count on. I know I still have Snuper, JBJ95, and BTS, but they won’t be around forever, and I feel like there’s nothing I can count on anymore. Nothing lasts forever.
I know I’m not supposed to think about the future because it makes me have panic attacks like I’m having right now, but I honestly don’t know how I’m supposed to deal with life. It’s so frickin’ hard. That’s the thing about depression; it really drags you down. Not only can I not bring myself to do stuff, but I feel like a failure for not doing it. My counselor says it’s not my fault. Still, it is because I can’t not do stuff forever just because I’m depressed. I really want to, and I’m scared because I’m starting to feel really bad like I did before, and I don’t want to feel like that again, but I’m starting to and don’t like it.
I don’t know why life is so hard for me, but even when I wasn’t feeling so depressed, it was still hard, which was even worse. I could barely deal with it before; now, it feels hopeless. The mere thought of making appointments and getting my permit makes me cry even more. And I hate it. I hate it so much because even though I joke about it, I really like being happy. And it’s so hard to remember what happiness feels like when you are so down. Like, I know it happened before, and I know it will happen again. Still, it seems impossible when I’m sitting at the bottom of the rabbit hole that I’ve fallen into.
If I had to pick one sentence to describe depression, I would have to quote my brother. I don’t remember the story behind it, but it ended with, “I am straight up Not having a good time right now.” I feel it. I really do. Life is hard, and sometimes I must take my own advice even when I don’t want to. If I wasn’t me, I would tell myself 5 things… First, “Give yourself some credit. Fighting off depression is a feat in and of itself, and you are doing so good.” Secondly, I would tell not me… “I’m so proud of you for hanging in there and fighting for the happiness you deserve.” Thirdly, I would advise not me…. “You need to reschedule that appt with your psychiatrist. I know you hate phone calls, but do you really hate phone calls more than you hate feeling like this?”. Fourth… “I know it feels bad right now, and happiness feels so far away, but you know it gets better. It has before, and it will again.” Lastly, I would tell someone who’s not me to listen to ‘Better’ by OneRepublic and take their advice…
“Yes I’m neurotic I’m obsessed and I know it
I can’t take vacations in the brain won’t believe me I’d be on one
Hawaii under warm sun…”“… I swear I’m not insane
Yes most likely not insane
Everybody goes through moments of losing their clarity
At least I’m never boring…”“…Think you lost your mind
Better by OneRepublic
Well don’t worry about it
Happens all the time
In the morning you’ll be better
Things are only getting better
Sing it again
I think I lost my mind
Don’t worry about me
Happens all the time
In the morning I’ll be better”
Well, I cried my eyes out, had a panic attack, and had an existential crisis, so I should be suitable for at least another week. My counselor said there’s a fancy word for my feelings. I don’t remember what it was, but it’s like at the beginning of the week, I’ll be fine and doing okay, and then by the end of the week, I feel like this. Then I’m good again for a few more days, and it goes on and on (great song by Vixx, btw). Ha! That’s actually very fitting because in their song ‘On and On,’ there is this one line in the bridge that repeats, “I need therapy, lalalalala therapy.” It’s my favorite part.
The redeeming part of this late-night meltdown was that number one, writing did help, and I feel a bit better now. I might actually be able to sleep (nobody tell my counselor she’s right). Secondly, I actually wrote something, and even though it was riddled with errors, I can at least say that I did something today. And thirdly, while I was in the middle of ugly crying, my dog, who usually lays at my feet, came up to my head to demand cuddles, which also helped make me feel better. She’s not a service dog or anything; she’s just awesome like that.
Well, my dear readers, thank you to those of you who made it all the way through this. I hope you all are doing well, but I will leave you with some very special song lyrics for those of you who may be feeling like me.
“…Falling feels like flying till you hit the ground
Nowhere To Go But Up by Stellar Kart
So meet me at the bottom
Where we’ve got nowhere to go but up
Nowhere to go but up
Its the perfect place to start from
Where we’ve got nowhere to go but up
Nowhere to go but up”
