Hey y’all, welcome to part 2 of the Living as Me series! I highly recommend the book I’ve decided to live as me by Kim Soo-Hyun. There’s so much good stuff in that book, the copy I have is covered in highlighter, notes, and bookmarks, and I’m sure I’ll continue to re-read it. Still, today I’m going to talk a little bit about what it taught me. Also, I’m sorry it ended up so long, but it’s too late now.
My entire life, all I’ve wanted is for everyone to be proud of me. My brother worked his way up from dishwasher to Assistant Kitchen Manager and now to Kitchen Manager. My family, in particular, are very proud of him, and I am too, but I want them to be proud of me also. I want them to be excited to tell other people about me, but I’m not an exciting person. I thought going to college would make them proud, and maybe it would have I had actually succeeded, but I didn’t.
I’ve never felt particularly loved by my parents. Most of it is just that my family aren’t very touchy-feely people (I’m really not either though). I didn’t think anything of it when I was young, but when I got older, I saw other friends and their families and how they liked spending time with each other, and I guess I got a little jealous.
My counselor and psychiatrist have told me to stop expecting so much from them. They are happy with their lives, even though they will never love me like my friend’s parents. I have to (in the infamous words of Veronica Park’s ringtone (from the show The Secret Life of my Secretary)) let it go. It’s only hurting me.
Then when I was writing the music Monday for Thanxx by Ateez, it got me thinking…. “Why do I care so much about everyone else’s opinion.” I like my job. It may not be impressive, and it may be part-time (Having muscular dystrophy, I can only handle about 20 hours a week before everything starts to hurt), but I enjoy it. The book references this phrase in Korea that goes…. “Those who belong to academic ranks 1-3 order chicken, those in ranks 4-6 fry the chicken, while those in ranks 7-9 make the delivery” (I know, right?!).
Thankfully in America, we don’t rank students like that (at least not at my school). I think I probably would have fallen somewhere in ranks 5-8, but when I read this, it got me thinking……. Without ranks 4-9, where are the wealthy, successful people going to get their chicken from, huh?
Even if successful people look down on those people, they rely on them to an extent. The world needs people to work at restaurants, grocery stores, and gas stations just as much as they need doctors and lawyers and other ‘successful’ people. Just because it’s not as glamorous or doesn’t make as much money doesn’t mean it’s not just as important.
Some people wonder when I will get a real job, but the job I have now is real enough for me for where I am right now. Maybe when I have a car and a license, I’ll want a better job, but right now, I’m perfectly content. I don’t have a problem with the person I am right now, and it makes me mad to think I let other people make me feel so self-conscious about my own life.
This book also taught me that life isn’t like school; it can’t be labeled simply by a letter grade or a GPA. Life is different for everyone, and quite frankly, nobody will ever know you well enough to be able to ‘grade’ your life anyway. It’s also no one else’s business. That’s why it’s “my” life and not theirs, and if they don’t like it, they don’t have to be around me.
It’s so refreshing to not care what other people think!!! And I feel like I can finally enjoy little things because I’m not constantly worrying about what I should be doing better with my life. I feel so much lighter now that I’m not constantly worrying about how to impress everyone. It was so exhausting!
I’m not doing anything wrong; I’m me, and that’s not a crime. I’m allowed to be happy and be proud of myself even if no one else is because it’s no one else’s business. At the end of the day, I have to live with myself, so my opinion is the only one that matters.
Honestly, I’m still learning how to be me. I’ve never really thought about what I wanted out of my life, but I realized I’m perfectly content with where I’m at now. If anything, I wish I spent less time worrying about what others think about my life and more time just enjoying it.
I also learned that people are either with me or against me, and if they aren’t with me, then I don’t need to be wasting my time on them anyway. I don’t have to be nice to others at my own expense. I’m the most important person in my life, and my happiness is the most important. That’s not an excuse to be rude to people; it just means that I don’t need to waste my energy on people who don’t have anything positive to bring to my life. My time and energy are best spent on things I want and like, like K-pop!
I’ve always loved K-pop, but I felt bad about liking something so stupid. Call off the dogs!!! I personally don’t think it’s stupid. Still, a lot of people thought it was a strange thing to be interested in. Mainly because, and I quote, “you don’t even know what they are saying.” My dad, the other day, was like, “why don’t you just download the albums on Apple Music? Why buy them?” I did download them on Apple music; I just like the posters, photo books, and photo cards.
Also, my friend’s AUX hookup in her car doesn’t work, so I listen to the CDs a lot in her car. I thought my one friend was crazy for buying a BTS light stick. It’s a lot of money to spend on a glorified flashlight (let me finish before you start hating on me). Now I have 2 (#normalizebuyinglightsticks); JBJ95 and Oneus. And one night, it was really dark, and I needed a flashlight; my phone was almost dead, so I was afraid to use the flashlight on it, so I grabbed my Oneus light stick, and it saved the day! I always felt like I had to defend my purchases, though.
One day in counseling, I was showing off my JBJ95 light stick because it was the first one I had bought, and my counselor said it was great that I had found something that made me happy. However, I had already prepared a speech justifying my purchase, so the comment surprised me. I had never gotten that reaction from showing someone anything K-pop before, but she made a good point! Plus, there really wasn’t much that made me genuinely happy at that time in my life.
I don’t need to justify anything to anyone; I don’t owe anyone anything, and I don’t need others to validate my life. I’m happy, and that’s all that matters. I’m so thankful I found K-pop, particularly Oneus. One of Oneus’ members (Xion) was doing a live stream one day. In it, he said that he hopes that if we are having a hard time, we can think of them and be encouraged, just like we (Tomoons) support and encourage them.
It seems incredibly stupid, but sometimes when I feel depressed and don’t want to do anything, I think of them. How they wouldn’t want their fans to be sad and depressed, so even if I’m having a bad day, I try not to let it get the best of me. Usually, the video of Xion making snow ducks with Leedo will cheer me up. That or their lunar new year ‘no diggity’ dance practice (I almost cried because I was laughing so hard).
My friend proofreading this was confused by that last paragraph (it was kind of an unexpected change in subject). My point is that I don’t care if people think I’m weird or stupid. K-pop makes me happy (like horses only cheaper…. I think… pricewise it could be the same, but my money goes a lot further with K-pop than it does with horses).
K-pop albums make me happy; getting a new album is like getting a Christmas present, and it’s always exciting to see whose photo cards I get. Light sticks bring my joy!!!! The BTS light stick my friend gave me (5 days ago, so I guess I have three now) can change into ANY color I want. I guess she has the newer and better version, but I think it’s so much fun!!!!!!
Even if I never go to a concert, I just like things that light up; I’m easily entertained. Especially my Oneus light stick I got for Christmas this past year. You can spin the little earth in the center, and it’s fun. Livestreams: My Korean comprehension is exceptionally minimal, but honestly, I look forward to tuning it for a bit, especially if it’s Ravn’s live because he has excellent taste in music. A lot of people don’t get it, which is fine, but it makes me happy.
As I said before, the first light stick I got was JBJ95’s, and it took me so long to get it because growing up, I wasn’t allowed to have “useless junk.” I was only allowed to get ‘meaningful’ souvenirs when we’d go on trips. I wasn’t allowed to get the necklace or the very colorful rocks or dreamcatchers (I also collect those now). I always had to get something meaningful, often a thimble. I still don’t know how my parents convinced me collecting thimbles was cool, but I think it was always more their collection than mine.
I could get a shirt, but they were usually ugly. When I wanted a Tamagotchi, I had to save up my own money. My parents didn’t want to buy “useless junk that I would get sick of in a few days” I had my Tamagotchi for at least 3 years before I lost it. To this day, I’m pretty sure my Tamagotchi obsession was the only reason my parents caved and bought me a Nintendo DS one year for Christmas. Well, that, and it was the only thing I asked for, so they were at a loss, I think.
I always felt irresponsible for liking what my parents considered ‘stupid stuff.’ Reading this book reminded me that it’s not stupid to me. I love dreamcatchers and K-pop. Just like horses, it makes me happy, and my happiness is what’s most important in my life. It also reminded me that it is my life, so at the end of the day, the only opinion that matters is my own. If I’m happy, it doesn’t matter if anyone else “gets it.”
I’m proud of how far I’ve come, especially with my mental health, and K-pop has been a big part of that. I know for K-pop groups, I’m just one fan, and I don’t actually know them. They also don’t know me, but their encouraging words and funny videos make me smile.
When I have an awful day where I just want to hide from my problems, I can listen to She’s in the Rain by The Rose, and suddenly I feel less lonely. I can listen to Can’t You See Me by Tomorrow X Together, and suddenly I feel like someone does see me. I can listen to Spark by JBJ95 and distract myself with the fan chant because it’s the only song I know the entire fan chant for.
My love for k pop, like my love for horses and music, is part of what makes me, me. It’s not something I should feel ashamed of or something I have to defend. I like who I am because I’m me, and it’s taken me way too long to say that confidently. Sure, I still have a lot to learn, and there’s plenty of room for improvement, but I’m proud of myself. Maybe I’m crazy. I think I’ve told you enough to come to a worthy decision about my sanity.
Still, whatever you think of me and whatever my family or the people around me think, I don’t really care. I’m happy, so even if you think I’m crazy, I would rather be crazy and happy than sane and sad. I hope JBJ95 has a comeback soon; I miss them. I love watching their special dance practices. Also, Kenta playing with confetti is adorable. Not quite ‘Xion making snow ducks’ cute, but close.
The other day I was in the car with my mom and her fiancé, and they told me that if I’m happy with my life, that’s all that matters. She said that even if I didn’t do well in school, I still learned a lot, which was a good experience. She’s not wrong. This book helped me understand that I don’t need anyone’s approval or validation for my life, but it was still refreshing to hear.
I learned a lot about being proud of who I am (one of my fav songs by JBJ95), the things I like, and making sure I live with no regrets. I was worried I might regret spending so much money on K-pop stuff, but so far, I regret nothing. Even if people think I’m crazy for buying the earth and moon fan meeting merch I pre-ordered, I don’t care. I was never allowed to have this kind of stuff growing up. So, what if I’m still waiting for it to ship?! I’m sure they will send it by the end of the year.
I’ve already waited a month, so I guess I’ll just keep waiting. I’ve been waiting longer for the fanship welcome kit I ordered on V-live. The eta for that is May or June (which is unfortunate as it was supposed to be my birthday present to myself). Actually, it’s rough considering I could order something from K-pop mart, and once the order is processed, they can get it from Korea to America (and by extension, my back door) in 3-4 days. I’ve been spoiled.
Everyone’s always telling me I need to be more patient, though. Maybe this is a test from God……. He knew I would want this stuff, so he’s making it take forever so I can learn to be more patient. That sounds like something He would do.
Anyway, that’s all. This isn’t as good as I hoped, but that’s what happens when I write something extraordinary like the See U Tomorrow series. I just can’t beat it. I should have saved it, but it was appropriate for where I was at, just like how this one, while less impressive, is appropriate for where I am currently in life. I hope you got anything out of this. Just read the book. I can’t sum it all up cause there’s too much, but just read the book. I’ll see you again Monday for part 3!
Sincerely,
LIBD
Living as Me
