Hey y’all, how’s it going? Three cheers for me because I finally figured out how to use topic and subject marking particles in Korean!!!!! Just don’t ask me to explain them because I guess they are a thing in the Korean language, but my mind almost exploded during the 2 weeks it took me to finally understand them. Nothing else is new with me, which is sad, but it makes a great segway into today’s topic.
So, if you’ve ever read my blog before, then you are familiar with my favorite Korean tv show, Just Between Lovers (yup, we are back to this again.). This past month I’ve been so stressed about how uneventful and generally sad my life is. I’m 23 freakin’ years old, and I have nothing to show for my blood, sweat, and tears (btw great song by BTS, if you’re interested.). It’s horrendous. I know 23 isn’t that old, but I feel like I’m passing the most important years of my life, working part-time and staring at the wall with my dog. I just want my life to go somewhere, but I want to run and hide anytime I think about doing something that could take it somewhere. A quote from my beloved drama kept popping into my head this past month. It was one of my top 3 favorite quotes from the show, and it’s never felt more meaningful to me than it does now.
It’s said that everyone has their own personal prison… Isn’t the phrase, “a personal prison,” strange? No one’s locked us in, but why can’t we get out.
Just Between Lovers
Although I loved it the moment I heard it, I don’t think I totally understood what it meant at first. In the show, it seemed like circumstances were out of their control, and it was something they were just going to have to wait out. Sure, they were trapped, but it’ll pass, right? Part of that was right. Certain circumstances may drive us in there, but we are certainly not there because we have no other choice. That was the part I missed the first time. “No one has locked us in” the door isn’t even shut. I could leave at any time, but I don’t. I’m sure we all have different prisons in our minds, so I’ll just talk about my own.
My personal prison is fear. Everyone has anxiety, and it’s normal and reasonable to be afraid sometimes. I think that’s the reason I didn’t even know I walked into a prison cell in the first place. Everyone has fears, so I thought I was perfectly fine. After being stuck in there for a few years though, I realized that my personal prison of fear was pretty dull and lonely. Why didn’t I leave 3 years ago when I realized where I was? Why don’t I walk out right now? The door is still wide open, and no one will try to stop me from leaving. I could go right now, but I want to stay for some reason.
It’s not fun, but it’s safe. Sure, it’s lonely, but if I don’t have any friends, they can’t stab me in the back. Maybe I don’t love being here, but it’s easier being in here than facing what could be outside. That’s when they say, “but it could be great,” or “imagine all the possibilities if you just walked out that door right now.” Sometimes I run to the doorway out of pure desperation, but I can never bring myself to leave. That’s the worst part, isn’t it? When we realize we are the only ones keeping ourselves here. At least if the door was locked, we could blame the person who locked us in here, but I have the keys; I know the way out, but I won’t leave.
If I really think about it, what is the worst that could happen if I left right now? If I marched out of here right now. If I opened that door and stepped outside, what is the worst that would happen? Maybe I’ll meet a few backstabbing jagweeds, but I might make some friends too. Perhaps I’ll get lost in the big bad outside world with all of its confusing and winding roads. However, the GPS on my phone is pretty clever. Maybe I’ll fail and get laughed at, insulted, and embarrassed. But what if……. what if I did something great and impactful? What if, after I stepped outside, I went on to change people’s lives for the better? There is a 50% chance that even if I leave, my life will never get better. However, if I stay, there is a 100% chance that my life will only worsen.
I’m not saying it isn’t difficult or scary, but these personal prisons that trap us within ourselves are not where we belong. Mine seemed super comfortable and safe. It seemed so great at first: just a little place to go when life got me down and I needed a break. It was nice. It was so lovely that I didn’t want to leave, but somewhere along the line, it didn’t matter if I wanted to because suddenly, I was too scared to.
I don’t know what life will be like outside of fear and anxiety. It might be fantastic, or it might totally suck and be absolutely terrible. At least though, outside, there is a chance. No matter how comfy and cozy our personal prison is, it will only ever be a prison. Even if the door is wide open and no one stops me from leaving, it will still be a prison. As long as I stay inside, I will still be a prisoner regardless of whether or not my staying is a choice.
The one thing I’ve realized about personal prison life lately is that it gets really old really fast. The idea that I’m being held prisoner by my fear is stupid. Fear can’t shut a door or lock me up. It’s not even a physical thing. The only thing keeping me in there is myself, and I don’t find my little cell all that cozy anymore. Now it’s only lonely, empty, and meaningless.
I think I’ve finally realized that hiding in my personal prison isn’t benefitting my life at all. Even if there is only a 1% chance that my life will get better if I leave my personal prison behind, I’ll take it. Because there is a 0% chance it will get better by keeping myself here any longer.
No one has locked you in. It’s not that we can’t get out; it’s just that sometimes we don’t want to. But our lives are not going to get better by hiding in our personal prisons. Leaving might sound scary, but whatever dreams I have, and whatever dreams or goals that you have, they can’t be achieved in a lonely prison cell. All our dreams, all our plans. They are all outside. What we want out of our lives can’t be found within the 4 walls of our personal prisons. What we want from life can only be obtained if we leave our prison cells behind.
I’ll end this one with a few more of my favorite quotes from the show.
Sincerely,
LIBD
It does seem like everyone lives well except for you, but if you move forward it’s all the same. Even the guys who seem to do well are stressed out behind the scenes.
You live because you can’t do what you want to do, so you become more determined. You don’t know what’s going to happen in life. That’s why life is fun.
Don’t say what if. There is no end. What if I didn’t go there? What if I had not done that? What if? Once you start, there is no end.
Things you can’t change no matter how hard you try, just leave it alone. Don’t try so hard. Sad and painful things are always with us. We have to accept it. What else can we do?
You’re only able to feel lightness more once you’ve experienced the heaviness.
It doesn’t mean someone is in bigger pain just because he cries louder
