Tag: inspiration

top view photo of rocky shore

A New Chapter

Posted on by LIBD

Hey, y’all! So……… who’s sick of me venting about Oneus? Aww man, you are?! Well, I swear this will be the last time for a long while. I have a cold today, so I had to cancel the appt with my allergist that I’ve been waiting 3 months for, and I don’t get to hang out with my friend at the barn, which means no horse time for another 2 weeks. I really hate my life today. I just hope I’m better by tomorrow so I can go to work. Anyway, here it goes……

Today Tottenham played Burnley, and even though we were down by one in the beginning, we destroyed them. It was simply breathtaking to watch. And the fans……. They were so happy they got their team back. It’s only been a few games, but I hope we can keep up this energy and stay in the top 5. It was amazing. Last season was a hot mess, or at least the end of it was. I dreaded watching the games because it wasn’t pretty. Coincidently, I’m dreading Oneus’s next comeback (it’s when a group releases and promotes a new album). Because Oneus and Tomoons are a lot like Tottenham at the end of last season.

It wasn’t just that the players were a mess on the field a lot of the time. Fans were angry, getting mad, blaming the players, coaches, and team owner. Anyone that they possibly could to the point where I’d be like, “It’s no wonder they aren’t playing well; their fans are basically saying they suck and they’re hopeless.” Or they say they’ll stop being a fan. Maybe some of them did. Oneus doesn’t suck, but the fandom has been a mess since Ravn left. Fans have abandoned the fandom to support Ravn; they are blaming other people for making him feel like he had to go and blaming RBW for letting it all happen. Their last comeback was a mess. I was dreading it like a match from last season, and it was equally painful to sit through and watch it unfold. I want to blame the fans who abandoned them, who bailed on the fandom. But how would that make me any different from them?

Just like with Oneus, Tottenham was kind of falling apart, too. Their coaches kept stepping down, so they didn’t have consistent coaching. They gave it their best, but it wasn’t enough with everything else that was happening. Maybe they would have done better if the fans were more supportive, but we’ll never know. Just like we’ll never know if Ravn would have stayed had they not taken him out of the fan chant. But it’s done, and it may be a mess, but it is what it is, and they are doing their best. Today though, I saw my team win 2-5, and I saw the fans going crazy and cheering. The pride in the faces of the players and their fans reminded me of how Oneus and Tomoon (that’s the fandom) used to be. It was beautiful. It made me sad.

It made me sad because I don’t know if we will ever be like that again. Then I got angry. I got angry because of how some fans just abandoned them to start a new fandom for Ravn, where everyone agreed, and everything was as perfect as it could be. I felt like they left us to try to clean up the mess that was our beloved fandom. That was Ryan Mason’s job for Tottenham, but with the season winding down and all the chaos, there’s only so much he could do. This year, we got a new coach, and they are playing better than ever. I can’t wait to watch the matches now. I wished Tomoons could just get a new coach, and at that moment, I knew the one person who could help me… Ted Lasso!

He has this fantastic speech when Dani accidentally kills their mascot. It’s a sad story, but in the end, he said something that really got me thinking and could just be the one thing that would help me heal. He says,

It’s funny to think about the things in your life that can make you cry just knowing that they existed can then become the same thing that makes you cry, knowing that they’re now gone. I think those things come into our lives to help us get from one place to a better one.

Ted Lasso

I may never get back Oneus how it used to be, but maybe I don’t need to. I hope one day Oneus and Tomoons can smile and be proud like Tottenham and their fans were today, but even if that’s impossible, I must accept that it’s okay. I have a great job now. I’ve come a long way in terms of my mental health. I can drive, and I make phone calls now. And it was my experience with Oneus that got me here. They encouraged me so much and gave me many good and happy memories with them and my fellow Tomoons. Even if it’s not really Oneus, maybe I can make new memories with them as they enter this new chapter in their career.

It’s funny when everyone was falling apart and in shock at the situation; I was the one who was like, “We’ll get through this. It may be different, but different isn’t always bad. Let’s just support them all the best we can during this difficult time.” But now that everyone else has made peace with it, I’m the one who’s falling apart. Maybe I don’t need to though. There are friends, horses, and experiences that I miss a lot. However, they too, helped me get from one chapter of my life to the next. I can be sad. I should be sad about losing something that meant so much to me, but I can’t be sad about it forever. They got me to this next chapter, so perhaps it’s time to start living it. I’ll always have the memories, but it’s time to make more.

That’s what I want to do. Sure, the last chapter had a TON of good parts that I would love to read over and over again, but that’s not how I’ll grow as a person. I’ll only grow by moving forward. I can still take Oneus with me into this new chapter; it’ll just be a little different, but honestly, work keeps me pretty busy anyway. I hope to make this new chapter as good, if not better, than the last, but I can’t just assume it will be horrible. I don’t know how it will unfold until I face and start living it.

Thank you for reading! Oneus just announced a new comeback yesterday. I’m getting back into voting and streaming and ready to have a good time and make new memories with this new Oneus. I’m still low-key hoping to see Ravn in the group teaser photo just so I could watch all the haters lose their minds and eat their words, but I have no doubt karma will catch up to us all eventually. Anyway, I hope you are doing well, and if not, keep hanging in there and remember I’m always cheering for you. Go You!!!!

Sincerely,
LIBD

label cut out papers on the cardboard

Killing myself… with kindness

Posted on by LIBD

I’m a week late!!!!! I was doing so well keeping up with my posting schedule. With my new job I may have to aim for once a month for now. I finally found the inspiration to write something. It’s not long, but as I said in one of my previous posts… Anything is better than nothing.

I sometimes reach a level of frustration, which causes an automated response. It occasionally happened with customers that couldn’t make up their minds or were being difficult where I stared at them dead in the face and thought, “you make me wanna kill myself.” Me and my other coworker who suffered from depression joked about it a lot. It got worse with driving, though, I’ll be stuck behind some moron, and I’m in my car yelling, “Do you want me to kill myself?” I never mean it. It’s like yelling the F word; it’s the only thing that can express that level of anger and frustration. I’m not violent, and I feel bad breaking things, so hostile words and phrases are my only outlet, and it feels good to let it out. Could it be passive suicidal ideation? No, the thought of death terrifies me once more, so that’s a good sign. I’m just overly dramatic with my road rage.

I recently had an appt. with my psychiatrist, and we had the most unusual conversation. I was going on and on about everything I wasn’t doing. And she kept bringing up everything I was doing, and eventually, this is where the conversation went. I’ll put my words in italics;

I just don’t know what to do! I think you do know what to do. You know all the answers; you just don’t like them, but I think you know the right answer. But if I’m nice to myself, then I’m telling myself that having a messy room is okay, which I mean it is, but I feel like I’m allowing myself to be subpar. Erin, would you say any of this to a friend? Of course not I’d slap them silly if I knew they even thought any of this about themselves. Okay, so maybe you should extend that courtesy to yourself and give it a try. You have a lot to be proud of, so be kind to yourself and try to work on showering even if you can’t be bothered to wash your hair. That’s true. That’s why dry shampoo exists. Alright, I give the whole kindness thing a try. Clearly, shaming and criticizing myself isn’t working either.

So I tried it, and the first day was pleasant and very relaxing. I even picked up the trash without guilting myself into doing it. Today I washed the dishes. Tomorrow I’m hoping to shower and return an Amazon package to kohls. Today is going better than yesterday though. Yesterday around this time in the evening, it all went to shit. I started getting tense and anxious, pacing and thinking of everything I needed to do, and I tried thinking about everything I’d done and could be proud of. But all I could think was, I need to do this, I should do this, I need to do that, I shouldn’t have done this, I need to be perfect…

And I realized then how much of a problem I had. I woke up to a better-ish day today, but I would say both sides of my brain have reached an agreement. The mean side won’t keep hating if the nice side doesn’t start cheerleading. Considering how my first day ended, peaceful neutrality is a good place to start.When my brain starts going all perfectionist on me, it brings up the F word ‘you make me wanna kill myself’ anger, so I’ve decided to try to kill myself with kindness. After all, if there’s one thing I’ve learned from Roy Kent in Ted Lasso, it’s that there’s no bad feeling that can’t be overcome by cursing loudly and angrily. It’s weird though. It’s so dull when I’m not shaming and berating myself all day. I don’t know what to do with all this free time. I should have done laundry (see, there I go again. I didn’t even notice until I was editing), but if I’m this bored today, I’m sure I’ll have no problem staying busy tomorrow.

Sincerely,
LIBD

Wait for it

Posted on by LIBD

Hey y’all, it’s been a hot minute, huh? Well, not really. Even though I haven’t written in 2 and a half months, I still have posts scheduled every 2 weeks. I watched Hamilton the other day. I originally watched it just so I could say I watched it. However, part way through, I realized that it was kind of amazing, so I watched it again, and it was!

So then I watched it again… and again…. and I’ll watch it again on my next day off. I would have aced the subject if all History was taught through amazing musicals like that. There were a few parts that stuck with me.

Every second King George was on stage was fabulous. I think what made him such a stand-out character is that the storyline is so serious and sometimes sad. When you have a plot like that, the character in charge of comic relief always stands out more. One line I really fell in love with was something Washington’s character said.

Hamilton was ready to die from the minute he finished college. It wasn’t in a “life is meaningless” way. Given his back story, he just wasn’t expecting to live a long life, so he wanted to make the most of every second to make his time worthwhile. One day Washington tells him,

“Dying is easy young man. Living is harder.”

George Washington (Hamilton)

It’s so true. Living is hard! It takes even more courage than dying does. Whenever someone died, it made me so sad. Especially if it was someone who wasn’t supposed to be dead, like Chester Bennington or Moonbin. I think Hamilton didn’t see the value of life. There’s this one song where the cast sings about him…

How do you write like tomorrow won't arrive?
How do you write like you need it to survive?
How do you write every second you're alive?
Every second you're alive, Every second you're alive

I think the fundamental difference between Hamilton and Burr is that Hamilton wasn’t going to wait for it. He would make the most of every second and contribute as much as he could to this world. Burr didn’t live for the moment. I think he thought things out, and his actions and words were more calculated than Hamilton’s.

Perhaps Burr felt a hint of jealousy. He thought Hamilton was careless and immature, but somehow everything seemed to work out for him. Burr thought that contemplating and planning was how you got to the top, but it wasn’t working for him like he thought it would. I wasn’t alive then. I didn’t know either of them, but if I were Burr, I would want to punch Hamilton in the face for what Professor McGonagall called “sheer dumb luck.”

As much as I would love to say I could relate to Hamilton, I think it’s Burr that I relate to the most. I’ve always spent my life planning, trying to do the right thing, say the right thing, and play my cards right.

It’s hard to see the Hamiltons of this world just living it up. Getting all the recognition, all the love, and all that stuff that I’ve spent my whole life trying to get. I think he overreacted A LOT, but I can see his point of view. It seems like the people who deserve the least get the most, and those who deserve the most get the least.

Not that Hamilton didn’t deserve it, but it seems like he got a free ride. Until his son died, everything always just seemed to go his way. Burr was working like mad, and he just couldn’t seem to reach Hamilton’s level, and that’s when this next song comes up…

Hamilton doesn't hesitate
He exhibits no restraint
He takes, and he takes, and he takes
And he keeps winning anyway
He changes the game
He plays, and he raises the stakes
And if there's a reason
He seems to thrive when so few survive, then ***damnit
I'm willing to wait for it (Wait for it)
I'm willing to wait for it

Life doesn't discriminate
Between the sinners and the saints
It takes and it takes, and it takes
And we keep living anyway
We rise (and we fall)
We fall (and we break)
And we make our mistakes
And if there's a reason I'm still alive
When so many have died
Then I'm willin' to-
Wait for it (Wait for it, wait for it)

Some of the best people leave us too soon. Far too soon. It’s hard because losing someone who made the world such a bright place feels like you just get left in the dark. Life doesn’t discriminate between the sinners and the saints. It takes and it takes, and it takes. And there’s nothing we can do about it. But if we are still here, it’s for a reason.

Not everyone will always have luck on their side like Hamilton seemed to, and if we don’t, then we have to wait for it. Our time will come if we keep striving. It’s not always going to go our way, and there will always be people out there who have beautiful lives, whether we think they deserve them or not. That’s none of my business anyway.

I don’t know how historically accurate the musical is. I really don’t care, but I feel bad for Burr. He spent so much time trying to keep up with Hamilton instead of making his own path. Eventually, his anger and hatred became too much for him to deal with. We’ll never really know what happened back then, but I do know that I’m not Hamilton. And if there’s a reason I’m still alive when so many have died, I’m willing to wait for it.

Thanks for reading, everyone! I hope you my Hamilton Life Lesson, and I hope you are having a good week. My boss told me today she’s very impressed with how well I’m doing after just 2 weeks. It made me glad to hear because I had been worried that I wasn’t picking things up fast enough. It’s different from what I had been doing, but I’m slowly catching on. Anyway, hang in there, and have a great week!!!

Sincerely,
LIBD

pile of fallen leaves with white traces

K-Quotes: Better Than Nothing

Posted on by LIBD

Before I start this I just want to say if you are really depressed this could potentially be triggering. Today’s quote is kind of extreme that’s why I go on to explain it so if you choose to read, please read to the very end.

So today was another not-good day. To give you an idea about how bad it was… I gathered the bravery to go to the customer service desk to ask about renting a table again, and I’m pretty sure the lady thought I had a stutter. I went over and over in my head what to say, and I just froze. It was horrible. Unfortunately, after this week, they no longer offer tables inside except for events. I should have asked for more info about outdoor booths, but I panicked, said thank you, and left. And that was just the beginning.

I’ve been having some rough days recently, but there’s a quote from a tv show I’ve been holding on to. The first time I heard this quote, I was appalled. I thought the main girl was horrible, heartless, and cruel, but I understood what she was saying as the story continued. Now I’ll even say it to myself on days like this. She says, in numerous ways throughout the series…

“If you’re not going to do anything, you should just die.”

Mudeok

Please keep reading!!!! She says it sometimes to herself, sometimes to him. By the end, even he says it. When I tell people that this is one of my favorite quotes, they always have this look on their faces. The same one I did the first time I heard it. As I said though, the meaning starts to become clear as it goes on. Like when she says…

“No matter how pathetic you feel, you must do what you can at the moment. If I am not willing to do anything, I might as well just die.”

Mudeok

Many times throughout the show, people underestimated the main dude. They would discourage him from improving his skills, telling him he shouldn’t bother trying because he won’t be able to catch up with everyone else. Or when there was trouble, they’d tell him to stay behind and let other people handle it. At times he listened to them. In the beginning, he was a lot like me. He liked the idea of being great, but he didn’t really wanna get his hands dirty. He’d do enough to say he tried and call it a day. However, he would never have been the hero if he had listened to everyone else and done nothing.

It wasn’t an easy path for him though. He took that saying to heart and worked hard. He put in the effort and the hours; even then, it was a struggle for him at first. I always want to give up when I stop making progress. It’s obviously not working, so why waste my time. But often times what we see as failure is not actually a failure. Mudeok (the main girl) bet the Prince that Jang Uk could win 1 out of 8 battles (I think). He lost the first 7, but each time he lost, he learned, and eventually, he did win. When I feel like I’ve lost 5 battles in a row, I just want to quit. I want to do nothing, but according to Mudeok, I should just die if I’m going to do nothing.

So, let’s take a minute to address the other half of the phrase. It is a little harsh, and you can’t say that nowadays because you don’t know what people are dealing with or going through, and it could easily be taken the wrong way. Is it really better to die than do nothing? Yes and No. Depression is real. Mental illness is real, and it’s a disease. Your brain is not working correctly, and it can cause all sorts of problems. When you are depressed or struggling, just existing some days can be difficult, but even existing is something. I think she words it that strongly because if you give up on life totally, it’s practically the same thing.

When you exist every day, that is something, and as long as we are doing something, there is hope that things will get better. Even now, I feel like I keep failing and messing up. But that’s something too, and even those tiny things can give us hope that things will get better. Another quote says, “All the pain that does not kill you will only make you stronger.” One of the songs from the show is called Scars leave a beautiful trace. I posted these lyrics a while back on Facebook, but I’ll add them here and put a video with the translated lyrics at the bottom.”

"Every time I take one more step
I know the path ahead of me
Take a deep breath
Look into the distance,
Stand up again and endure

I will stand here strong,
Now I, I'm never falling down
I'm not afraid
Look ahead
Scars become beautiful traces"

So now, whenever I’m tempted to give up on life, I think of that quote and this song because it reminds me that…. Well, if I’m going to do nothing and give up on life, I might as well be dead. So even when things aren’t great, and I’m not being productive, and I have days where I don’t do much, I try to enjoy the little things because just existing is very admirable and brave. And as long as you are still living, there’s hope that things will get better. Today I’m tempted to say I did nothing, but I did quite a few things. They were a total train wreck, but now I know I can’t possibly ever be worse than the stuttering mess I was today. I’m still here, which means I will get another chance to have a better day tomorrow. Maybe it’ll suck too, but there’s only one way to find out, which brings me to a final quote.

Jang Uk and his 2 friends are being subjected to a horrible meal by the one dude’s uncle, who has a passion for cooking but absolutely no talent. At the end, he brings rice cakes for dessert and says, “normal rice cakes are too boring,” so he decided to fill 2 with honey and 1 with fish sauce so they can each test their luck. The first 2 who pick get ones filled with honey, so obviously, Jang Uk doesn’t want to eat it because it’s gross. And the uncle asks him how he knows. His friend explained that since his uncle had said one was filled with fish sauce, that was the only one left. The uncle then repeats the question, and Uk eats it. He never tells the others if it was indeed filled with fish sauce or if it was honey and the uncle was lying. All the uncle says is this…

“Life is unpredictable, but you choose your own destiny. No matter how sweet or bitter it may be, you must taste it yourself and swallow it.”

Uncle Park

Wherever life takes me, I want to see it to the end. I have a lot of dreams and maybe they’ll happen, or maybe they won’t. Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day; perhaps it won’t, but there’s only one way to find out. And wouldn’t it be sad to miss out on a perfectly wonderful desert just because we thought it would be horrible? Metaphors have limits, but I hope this makes sense. I also hope even if it gets bad, you’ll stick around and find the strength to keep existing because you never know when a good day may come.

Life isn’t easy, but remember, you aren’t the only one struggling. There’s nothing wrong with you. We all struggle, and even though our situations aren’t the same, we can all try to be kind to ourselves and persevere through even the most painful things. Because even existing is better than nothing.

Sincerely,
LIBD

paper art hanging in the room

Who I am

Posted on by LIBD

Many years ago, the day before my birthday, my dog (the first dog I ever had) got out and was hit by a car and had to be put down. Worst. Birthday. Ever. I was invited over to my friend’s house, and I didn’t want to go because why would I want to do anything, but her mom said they really needed my help, so I went. On the way there, the radio was on, and the song Happy by Pharrell Williams came on. I immediately changed the station because how dare they play that song on such a sad day. I got to my friends’ house and found out they needed my help settling in the horse I used to ride because she was ready to retire, and they were taking her in. Best. Worst Birthday. Ever.

Turned out to be a blessing and a curse. While I did get a horse to call my own for a while, it made my friend start feeling like I only wanted to visit to see the horse, which wasn’t true, but that was how she felt. I felt horrible that I made her feel that way. She seems to be doing very well in life, but I always knew she would. She was so much more confident than me. Not to mention she had a family that all liked each other. I loved spending time with her at her house. She had some cute chickens, and her mom was like a second mom to me. I’m just sad that I wasn’t better. At friendship, communication, life…. Everything.

Sometimes I wish I could apologize to everyone who ever met me before I turned 24. I’m so sorry you had to deal with me. I was a horrible human being, and I am deeply ashamed of my behavior. I was trying to be normal, and well…… I’m definitely not normal. And I tried WAY too hard too. I wanted people to like me, and I was afraid if I was genuine and authentic, people wouldn’t like me, and they probably wouldn’t, but still. I’m sorry I was so annoying, weird, sulky, self-centered, undisciplined, dishonest, obnoxious, fake, and a total and utter pig. I ate so much looking back. It’s disgusting. There’s a song called “who I am hates who I’ve been,” and I think about that song a lot. There’s one line that says:

'Cause I don't want you to know, where I am
'Cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been

I hated who I was and didn’t want everyone else to hate me, too, but I probably made them dislike me anyway by trying so hard. There’s another part of the song though, that goes:

Who I am hates who I've been
'Cause who I've been only ever made me
… So sorry for the person I became
So sorry that it took so long for me to change
I'm ready to be sure to become that way again
'Cause who I am hates who I've been
Who I am hates who I've been

Everything I disliked about my life helped make me the person I am today, and I’m grateful for that. I still can’t help but feel embarrassed by having everyone around me watching me fail at life. I tried so hard to be liked and accepted, and my mental health suffered because of that. Ultimately, all I did was bring shame and embarrassment to all those chapters of my life. Once I finally got out of the hospital, came to terms with, and started to understand my feelings, I moved on to my life. It wasn’t just good enough to get better; I had to be the best, or at least that’s what I told myself. If I thought my time at the hospital was tough. Outpatient therapy was a cakewalk compared to trying to get my life in order. I kept making steps though, slow progress but progress no less. But I still wasn’t happy. Until this year.

I didn’t realize what had changed until today: February 8th. I was typing my daily reflection in the mindset app about “what do you owe yourself?” This was my response: I think I owe it to myself to keep getting better and be happy. I always feel like I need to earn happiness. Like, if my room isn’t clean or I get behind with payments, then I don’t deserve to be happy. Or if I’m not eating healthy enough, I shouldn’t be happy. I didn’t realize how ridiculous that sounds until I typed it out, so I hope this year is different and I can be happy no matter what is going on.

I always knew that it was unhealthy to always expect more of myself no matter how much I accomplished, but that was what changed this year. If people don’t like me, who cares. Don’t like me then. If my room isn’t clean, oh well. It’s annoying, but who cares? The only difference between a messy and a clean room is its appearance. This year I finally allowed myself to be happy. Should I clean my room? Most definitely, but I don’t feel like it, and it’s not hurting anything. I’m not only letting myself be happy; I’m letting myself be me. It’s so much easier and less stressful being myself. I can never take back how I acted or what I did, but I can move forward and be better.

I wish I could do it all over again being the person I am now. I am liked by my friends, so who cares about everyone else. That was the worst part. Going into college, I had no friends. Then I tried too hard and annoyed everyone, and a lot of them didn’t keep in touch, and I thought they all hated me. Maybe some of them do, but the truth is some people I get along with really well. We don’t really click as friends, which doesn’t mean I don’t like them, or they don’t like me. It just means we aren’t going to be besties. True friends like you because of your quirks and personality, not despite them. I realize now I can’t hold on to the guilt and shame forever. I may never be able to unfeel it, but I’m allowed to be happy with myself and my life. Not happy about those parts, but they got me to where I am today and made me a better person, and better me should feel happy. She’s come a long way, learned from her mistakes and grown from them. Not only is happiness allowed, but it’s been earned. Who I am hates who I’ve been, but that doesn’t matter because that past version of me is not who I am. 

Who I was, was bitter, angry, sad, confused, and dishonest. Who I am is learning to forgive and not hold grudges so strongly because I’ve messed up too, so it’s only fair if I extend them the same grace and kindness. Who I am is trying to deal with anger more effectively, trying to understand where it’s coming from and dealing with it instead of lashing out at others. Who I am is happy. Who I am is trying to figure things out but acknowledging some things can only be learned by messing up and making mistakes. Who I am is being open and honest with myself and about myself and holding myself accountable for my words and actions. Learning that just because you have a good excuse doesn’t always make what you did okay.

Thank you so much for reading. Don’t forget to click like and leave a comment to let me know what you think. Make sure you subscribe too so you don’t miss out on future posts. I hope you are doing well, and don’t forget to I’m always cheering for you!

Sincerely,
LIBD

healthy wood landscape nature

Cursed

Posted on by LIBD

I always joked with my K-pop friends that I was cursed. Every time I like a group, something terrible happens. When everything happened with Ravn, I was like, “Omg, this is all my fault; I should have just left them alone. I made this happen by liking them.” My friends were able to talk some sense into me. And then one of them mentioned that during their concert, Xion(Dongju) said he felt like it was his fault, and he was bad luck, and they sent me the video where he said it, and I’m like, “Juju, no!! I promise not to take responsibility if you promise not to as well.” My close friend made an excellent argument by saying that God won’t punish someone else to punish me. It’s true. He would make it personal, like my computer breaking, getting fired, or something that would send a message.

I still feel like it has a little bit to do with me. When I was younger, like 17, something happened, and I remember I sat on the floor with tears running down my face and said, “It’s okay. I’m miserable again, this is how it’s always been, and this is how it should be.” Looking back, I know there’s a lot wrong with it, but something happened today, and I had that same thought. I’ve always said I hate change, but I don’t think that’s totally true.

During my meltdown, I re-listened to a few episodes of Eric Nam’s mindset and realized that bad things aren’t always bad. Sometimes they are opportunities for growth. I hate that though, and I don’t think people understand why. It’s not that I want to rely on my family forever. I do want to move out and be independent. The reason I don’t like these “opportunities” is because I’m afraid. I’m so scared I will fail, and I’m tired of failing. I’ve already stepped so far out of my comfort zone this year, I’m afraid if I keep going, I won’t be able to find my way back.

People think I blame other people for my problems. I don’t. Why do you think I’m so anxious, stressed, and overwhelmed half the time? Because the situation I’m in now is all my fault. I failed, dug myself into this mess, and everything is my fault. I’m a stupid moron who can’t dig herself out of her own mess…… Thank you for reminding me. People think I don’t want to help myself. Seriously? Do you think I enjoy being an incompetent fool? I also want to go bungee jumping, but I won’t because it’s terrifying, and I don’t want to die. People will accept that answer in that situation. Well, life is scary too! If it isn’t for you, congrats!! Good for you! I’m horrified about the future. The only thing that scares me more than everything that could go wrong is everything that could go right.

People act like it should be so easy. Life is so simple if you just put yourself out there. Well, it’s not. I’m not you. I’m sorry I’m not as amazing as you. I’m sorry I’m not as brave and independent as you. I’m sorry I didn’t make better choices like you did. I’m sorry I suck so bad at life. Whenever I write to you guys, I always try to make sure you know it’s okay to struggle. If I talk about being productive and feeling good and you aren’t. That’s fine. Life is freaking hard. Sometimes it’s downright shitty, and easy things feel impossible. That’s okay though. I will never look down on someone for doing the best with what they have. Even if I think personally, they could be doing better, I won’t push them too hard. Sometimes just surviving is the biggest win. I thought being happy was good enough, but now I’m not so sure.

Some of you are thinking, “Why on earth didn’t you just tell this person off?” Because sometimes people’s hearts are in the right place even if their words aren’t. I try not to get mad when people have good intentions. That being said, I’m ignoring everything. I don’t remember and am not going to reread it. So, if you guys have been in that situation, comfort yourself with encouraging words. Your own words. What would you tell yourself if you were someone else in this situation? Something like this.

“Wow, Erin, that really sucks. I know you are stressing about it but remember to take it 24 hours at a time. I’m so proud of you these past weeks. You’ve been living more and caring for yourself, and you are doing so well. I know you are stressed about bills, but keep working at it, and I know you can get it paid off. If only those bills could have come during the busy season at work, but such is life. You messed up. People mess up sometimes. Don’t waste your time being ashamed; instead, use that time to do something about it. Tackle that first. The rest of your problems can wait. You are doing well, so just stick with it, get the bills paid off, and then worry about the next step. Look how much you’ve achieved in the past few years. Just imagine what you could do with a few more.”

This past year has been stressful, but I can overcome it. Yeah, I got myself into this mess. But Newt Scamander said, “Even if we make mistakes, the terrible things, we can try to make things right. And that’s what matters: trying” I’m trying, and I know I can do it, so I’m going to handle things one at a time. I’m not proud that my life sucks. I’m proud that despite my life sucking and everything that’s going wrong, I’ve found a way to still be happy. I don’t deserve to be miserable. It was a comfortable feeling because I was used to it, but I should feel happy too. And I won’t let anyone take that away from me.

Sincerely,
LIBD

four person standing at top of grassy mountain

Bathroom Dance Parties

Posted on by LIBD

What an odd title, huh? I promise it will all make sense by the end. I’m writing this on the last day of January, I think. I don’t actually know what day it is. I was feeling sick this morning, but after a nap, a few good meals, a shower, fresh sheets, and an early bedtime, I hope I’ll be better tomorrow. I finally started working out. I don’t have room for my workout table, so until I can clean and make room for it, I am doing step aerobics and an arm workout. I have discovered something while doing this. I have the stamina of a potato and the arm strength of a baby chick, but that just means there’s nowhere to go but up.

Are any of you familiar with the conqueror challenges? They are virtual journeys. They have actual trails and stuff, but I am currently journeying through Middle earth. I just completed the Shire, so that medal should be coming in the mail sometime this week. Edit: It came! If you follow me on Facebook or Instagram, you saw it a while ago, I love it!!! Anyway, they have an activity converter too, so my step aerobics count as part of the distance. They have all activities on the converter list, including household chores, mowing the lawn, and horseback riding, which will be great for lesson nights. Also, because it is The Lord of the Rings, riding will add some authenticity to the journey. If anyone is interested, it says that this; https://www.theconqueror.events/r/EC9701, will get you 10% off. That’s my referral code, and if you refer 2 people, you’ll get a free challenge. I don’t have a deal with them or anything; I just really love it, and it gives me a reason to be excited about working out. Also, I want a free challenge. They just released Aragorns journey in Return of the Kings, so once I drop the ring into mt doom. I want to do those next.

I also started eating healthier. I have an app where I can log all the foods I eat, to ensure I stay within my daily limits. It’s funny; before, I had tried many apps, habit trackers, or anything to help me be healthier and take care of myself, including a scheduling app. I’m still brushing my teeth AND washing my face every day, and I always snooze my alerts for that stuff. I guess all I needed was to not be depressed anymore. It feels so good to feel good about life. I mentioned in the previous post about the mindset app and how I had started listening to Eric Nam’s mindset, and I’m still getting through it. I turn it on while I wash my face and brush my teeth, and the episode I listened to tonight had a very unique ending. He said every once in a while, you just need to have a dance party and started playing some random dance party music, and I did. I danced along, smiled, trying to apply eye cream while dancing was difficult, but then halfway through, he was like, “… and smile. Smile big. Put the… I don’t know what it’s called the edges of your mouth up”.

Here’s the thing about me. I’m not a smiley person, but I did, and I felt so goofy in my pajamas with my fluffy spa headband on, smiling like an idiot. But once I started, it was hard to stop. I realized I always take life so seriously, but it doesn’t have to be. It can be goofy and fun too. I think that was good advice. I’m gonna try to have dance parties more often. I can’t wait to finish the series. He’s got such a way with words. I love people that talk to you and not at you. That’s how I try to write my blog. I don’t like when people who know everything try to impart all their smartness on me. I zone out. Woosung and Eric talk to you like a fellow human, not as someone who needs their wisdom, even though I’ve found it to be super helpful. It’s hard to describe, but I like that type of communication. Am I making any sense? Oh well, moving on.

Everything is a mess because I’m working like crazy to prepare for the craft event. I’m so grateful not only to you guys, who have encouraged me but to my family members as well. My mom and her husband paid for the business cards I designed. My grandma is offering to buy the tabletop displays, and my dad and his wife told me to make a nice poster/sign for my business, and they would get it for me. I’m still scared, but I’m also really excited. If it goes well, I should be able to break even on my expenses and pay off my credit cards. I don’t have ‘happy anxiety’ anymore. I’m just glad I’m happy and starting to take care of myself and make something of my life which really has been all I’ve ever wanted.

I just realized I’ve spent this whole time talking about myself and didn’t even say hello! How rude of me! How are you? Is anything exciting going on? I hope you are finding things to smile about, but if not, I would definitely give bathroom dance parties a try. If life is hard, remember to be kind to yourself. Take it 24 hours at a time, and if all you do is get through the day, then that is something to feel proud of. When I was struggling, it was so hard, but struggling isn’t a sign of weakness. Like Charlie Mackesy wrote, “asking for help isn’t giving up. It’s refusing to give up.” Asking for help is being strong and brave enough to say, “I can’t go this alone, but I don’t want to keep living like this.” I just made that sound so easy, but if you are a long-time reader, you know what a long road it has been for me to get here. Just remember, you deserve to be happy and loved. Most importantly, you deserve to be able to be excited about life.

I feel bad writing about when I’m happy because I know when I was depressed, I hated hearing about how happy other people are, but just know one day you will get there too. And all the hurt and tears and pain are worth it when you remember what it’s like to enjoy life. Eric Nam talked about “the process” I might have written about this in the last one, but it was a good reminder. Just because it’s not good doesn’t mean it’s terrible. We have to go through difficult times to get to where we want to be. So never give up because you are more than whatever you are going through now. And I’m cheering for you, and I hope you are cheering for you too.

Sincerely,
LIBD

iphone near spiral book and laptop

Regaining Control

Posted on by LIBD

Hey y’all! How goes it? How’s the new year treating you? Hopefully you said good, but if not, that really sucks, and I’m sorry your year is going poorly. I hope this blog post can help you. I’ve started writing stuff ahead of time, so I can post more consistently.

I’m writing this on January 24th. Honestly, my year is off to a good start for once. I’m also trying to be proactive, though. I’m trying to keep my mental health in check so that even if it gets bad, I can deal with it without spiraling into depression.

I just told someone I can’t talk on the phone, but I can text. They don’t need to know that the reason why I can’t is that I can’t be bothered. I don’t want to talk sometimes though. I do cherish my alone time. I’m making more jewelry, and I’ve been listening to Woosungs mindest series for the past few days. Mindset is like the calm app but WAY cheaper, and I like it better. Woosung, aka Sammy, is the lead singer/guitarist for The Rose.

I wanna start by saying thank you to Woosung. It’s not easy to be open and honest about your life, but he was, and the things he said helped me a lot. One of my favorite parts was an extra thing he did when talking about dealing with controversy. He said he admired people who were faced with a problem, and even though it was probably annoying and inconvenient, they focused on how they could fix it and go on with their life. He mentioned something that I’ve said numerous times. I say it differently than he does, and since it’s my blog, I will use my own words.

I say this to my coworkers all the time (not out loud, just in my head), “I’m sorry your life sucks, but it’s really not my problem, so if you could just do your job with a smile instead of ruining everyone else’s day that’d be great.” And out of all my shortcomings, that is the one thing I try not to do since I have been on the receiving end. When I’m having a bad day, I leave it all at home. As much as I wish everyone else could be miserable with me, that would make me what Woosung so elegantly referred to as “a negative a** person.” I laughed so hard. I don’t know why I found it to be so hilarious.

He also inspired me to start eating healthy and making a serious effort to care for myself. So far, I’ve brushed my teeth 3 nights in a row and washed my face last night AND this morning, AND I showered today!! I don’t even know who I am anymore. It’s awesome. He said something that normally would have been…. Triggering isn’t the right word; more like, ‘hell no.’ He talked about how if you don’t like something about your life, you can change it, but I looked at it a little differently this time.

In the past, it made me mad when people said that because I couldn’t just stop being depressed, but I realized that wasn’t it. If I don’t like the fact I’m not losing weight, then I can eat better. I’m trying to eat lots more vegetables and cut back on snacks and junk food. Today I had a salad for breakfast and a veggie sub for lunch….. but then for dinner, I had a double cheeseburger, potato teasers, and a hot fudge peanut butter milkshake, but even that is an improvement. He said once your body get’s used to healthier foods, it’s easier to stay away from the unhealthy stuff. And I feel so tired after that dinner, so clearly, it was a bad idea, haha.

If I don’t like my messy room, I can clean it. Still, cleaning is sometimes hard for me, so even if I don’t clean it, I can remind myself that it’s just a room and the mess has no effect on my life despite being a mild annoyance. Sometimes when I’m depressed, it feels like my life is out of control, but that’s not true. Sure, there are things we cannot control, but we can control how we react and deal with those things. When I’m depressed, I can think about how horrible my life is, or I can say to myself, “I’m depressed, and that sucks, so if I’ll I do is watch tv, then I should at least enjoy that.”

I think that’s where I always got it twisted. I try to change situations instead of finding a better way to deal with the situation. I want to hold onto all of these things as the year continues, and hopefully, by the time this is posted, I will still be doing okay. I highly recommend the Mindset app. It has a daily check-in and stories from various people sharing their struggles, things they’ve learned, and how they’ve gotten where they are today. This will sound terrible, but the thing that gave me the most comfort when I was depressed was hearing stories about other people’s struggles. I’m sorry that anyone has to go through difficult periods, but when I’m depressed, I feel so alone. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who feels like that, and if they got better, then maybe I can too. I think I really am this year, but it’s still early, so we’ll see.
Thank you for your reading; please give it a like and subscribe. Comments are always welcome as long as you aren’t a negative a** person. Thank you for the kind comments; it really makes my day! I hope you guys are doing well, and I’m cheering for all of you and wishing you the best. Let’s all try to have a good year and look after our mental health. Thank you to Woosung, the mindset app, all my friends, and all of you readers and subscribers. I’m genuinely grateful to each and every one of you.

Sincerely,
LIBD

#Music Monday (Halazia by Ateez)

Posted on by LIBD

Hey, y’all!! How goes it? I told you I was gonna try to be a better blogger this year, and so far, it’s going pretty good. On new years eve, my kpop friend was nice enough to hang out for a bit before going to a party with her family so I wouldn’t be totally alone. We were browsing youtube as we do when we hang out, and I saw Ateez had a new song. This is how it went down, “What’s that?” “Halazia, it’s their new song, kind of a sequel I think to Hala Hala.” I LOVE Hala Hala. It’s my favorite, so obviously, I had to check it out. OMG, the sound, the outfits, Seonghwa’s face, and Yeosangs voice. The building could have caught fire, and I wouldn’t care as long as I listened to Yeosang singing the part in the pre-chorus.

Anyway, I saw a few music show performances, and wow. Seriously my new favorite of all their videos. Non-Kpop people won’t understand this following sentence, but… Ateez came back with this video and were collectively like, “say goodbye to your bias because you’re about to be wrecked.” It was when I was watching a reaction video. They mentioned the lyrics that I realized I was so distracted by the…… well, everything that I hadn’t even paid attention to them. And if I loved it before, I only loved it more after I read the lyrics. It embodied this feeling I have of uncertainty in life, wanting to do great things, wondering if where I am now is a good place to be, which I know it is. It all comes back to the fact I have no idea what I’m doing in life, so how do I know if I’m doing well or not. Anyway, that’s what I got out of this song, so let’s get started.

Oh, light [x3]
Be the light, oh, Halazia
Oh, no, everything has become barren, ooh, yeah
We all try but we lose emotion

I talked about Cats: The Movie before and how much I enjoyed it because the musical gave them nothing to work with. They made a plot out of a bunch of songs that didn’t make any sense, but it was fun, so no one really cared. That’s what life feels like. Like, I’m trying to make a movie out of a bunch of random short stories that really have nothing to do with each other. How do we know if it really means anything?

Getting used to the feeling of losing
Getting paralyzed
In shackled freedom (Yeah)
A small fantasy within me
Oh, Halazia, Halazia, Halazia

Right now, I’m in the stage after depression where you start to feel hope and think, “maybe everything will be alright.” However, I’m still scared cause I’ve wasted so much time and failed so horribly at life in the past that it almost seems silly to hope because I’ve been here before. But then I fell back into old habits and negative thinking.

I want to hear
The sound of love's breath
I want to know
If it's okay this way

Just some sort of sign that I’m going in the right direction. Something to let me know that this is okay and that I’m on the right path. Or that it’s okay to let my guard down and hope that things will get better and that it’s not just some brief string of luck.

[Pre-Chorus]
Mm, the little blue bird that lost its voice
I can hear the whispers
The beginnings of a deep echo
The voice that will overturn the world

The feeling came back again. The little nagging feeling that everything is gonna work out. That little voice saying my life isn’t meaningless after all. That I do have the power to make the world a better place somehow. I want to believe that so badly. I very much want it to be true.

[Chorus]
Hala-hala-hala-hala-halazia [x4]
I can't feel what it's like to be alive
Even now, in this moment
Color this infinitely cold world
Be the light, oh, Halazia

I don’t just want to maybe believe it. I want to feel it. I want it to be true.

Please let me take real breaths
Let me dance a real dance
Let me dream a real dream and
Let me feel all these senses

Right now, I’ve reached the stage I call ‘Happy Anxiety’ It’s when I think about how good life is going and how amazing it could be and feel like I can actually do it. So I start feeling anxious because good things don’t happen to me and living a meaningful life still seems too good to be true. I want it to be real. It’s just a scary thought because the better I feel, the worse I can get.

Even love has been swallowed up
When waves are made
Here in this place
This movement that will last forever

So many wonderful, terrifying possibilities. Sometimes I think it’s better to be depressed because when you don’t hope you don’t get disappointed.

Who are you?
Uh, it's just me, myself and I
Who are you?
Who are you reflected in the mirror?
Who are you?

A while back, I told my friend that hopefully, normal Erin would be back soon because depressed Erin is no fun. It is weird how different the 2 are. Sometimes I feel like being normal and happy is a lot of pressure. I want to be like that, but as I said, it’s scary.

Behind this road lies expectations within expectations
Where do I stand among the next and future generations?

It’s a valid question. Wouldn’t it be nice to have all the answers?

[Insert Pre-Chorus and Chorus here]
The truth hidden in fear
Blooms beyond that
*Distinctly beyond there*
What have we been so silent for?
Who are we in the darkness for?
If one wish could be realized, would you grant me the light?
For hot passion instead of cold despair
I want to feel

This is the part that really got me. Sometimes when I hear music, I can’t describe what it means to me in words because I can tell that the person who wrote the song understands the feelings I’ve been struggling with. I think it makes sense that I would be scared, but I can’t live if I let the fear keep holding me back. Maybe that’s how it is in life. You don’t know in words if you are doing well or not. It’s that feeling I need to follow to get where I want to go. To feel like my life means something. To feel happy and alive, not scared and sad. That’s what I want this year.

Be the light, oh, Halazia
No more, keep control
Halazia
No more, keep your soul
Halazia
No more, keep control
Halazia
Clear the darkness, oh, Halazia
Halazia
Be the light, oh, Halazia

I can’t tell you what Halazia means, but I think I know, even if I can’t find words for it. I hope I can live my life with some Halazia. It’s okay to be afraid as long as I don’t let that fear stop me from living my best life. I really want this year to be different, and I hope it will be. Not just for me but for you guys too. I hope this is your best year yet!

Sincerely,
LIBD

lace appliques on a white sheer fabric

Confidence

Posted on by LIBD

So, I recently started selling jewelry. You can visit my store here. In the spirit of making the most of each day and trying to truly live, I applied for a table for a local craft event. Everyone was like, “oh, that’s such a great idea! You can make so much more money in person than online.” I told them I felt like there’s going to be people with way prettier, more professional stuff. They were like, “yours is professional! You’ve already sold quite a bit.” It’s true. I made so many keychains this holiday season. They told me I needed to have more confidence in myself. They say it like it’s so easy to do.

I’m going to tell you guys a secret. Come on, lean in *whispers* I don’t know the first thing about craft shows. I have no idea what I’m doing at all. I’m just making it up as I go along, and so far, it’s been going pretty well but what if I’m just getting lucky? Even if they accept my application and I get a table. I don’t know how to set up a table. I’m not even good at talking to people. This is different from work, where it doesn’t matter. This is my hard work that I’m displaying to a bunch of randos! I don’t know how to talk to people. All I know how to say in a conversation with strangers is, “hi, what can I get for you today. Would you like American, provolone, or pepper jack? Lettuce, tomato, or cucumber? Will it be for here or to go? Did you want any chips, cookies, or drinks?” NONE of that will help sell my jewelry. My mom said she’d help me run my table if I get one, but I feel like that’s gonna turn into, “can you take care of this? I’m gonna go cry.” I’ll make sure I bring my anxiety medication.

So, when someone tells me to have confidence, it’s like, “I would love to; however, I know me, and that’s precisely why I’m concerned about the whole situation. It was so much easier when I didn’t do anything. If I don’t get accepted or they are out of spots, I’ll be more relieved than disappointed. But like, if you had seen me interact with people, you would know exactly why I think this is a bad idea. What if it falls over. What if I sell someone something, and it breaks? What if I knock something over and embarrass myself? How on earth can you expect me to have confidence?

And then selling, should I box things up? What if I sell a lot? Boxes aren’t cheap! What if I do that thing where I say something and don’t realize how horrible it sounded until I have already said it? I talk when I’m nervous and do not have a good talking filter. There’s going to be awkward eye contact. I hate eye contact. Why is that a thing? Like talking to a rando isn’t unsettling enough, and I have to look them in the eye too?

So, to the people who told me to have confidence, my response is this…. Confidence? What that? It sounds like fun. Because the thing about confidence is that I have none. Okay, that’s a lie. In my comfort zone, I have confidence for DAYSSSSSS. Because the thing is, my jewelry is an extension of my personality and creative tastes, and I’m proud of it, and that’s the problem. If people hate it, then in a tiny way, they are saying I suck.

I want this to be a legit job, selling jewelry and blogging, but the path to getting there is terrifying!! I don’t want to leave my comfort zone. It’s so comfy!!! Life is so hard. I know these are just lame first-world problems, but they are MY lame first-world problems, and they are valid, so don’t judge me.

Sincerely,
LIBD