Hey guys!!!! Welcome to my new series! I know, right: the title looks like the first track on a K-pop album. Also, a few quick shoutouts are in order. Firstly, to my super awesome friend for helping sort out my thoughts to put this all together and proofreading these for me. Also, to said friend, I would like to let you know that I did, in fact, watch pride and prejudice, and while it wasn’t the WORST show I’ve ever watched, it was very (how do I say this nicely) …… cliché? Kind of like a 50-episode Taiwanese drama where the person in charge of subtitles only knows Shakespearian English. My second shoutout is to SF9 for their awesome song ‘See U Tomorrow,’ which helped inspire this series.
This series will touch on depression and suicide, so if you prefer my more upbeat posts, I would definitely pass on this one. That being said, a while back, I heard someone at my church talk about someone who had committed suicide and how they couldn’t fathom what could bring someone to make that decision. I didn’t say anything at the time, but I’m about to provide an answer for them. Remember that everything I discuss concerns my personal experiences with the subject. I would like to go on record saying that I am in no way trying to be a spokesperson for depression because different people experience it differently. I don’t want to make people feel like their feelings are invalid or wrong because you feel differently than I do. That being said, let’s get this thing started!
I touched a bit on personal experiences before in my past posts. Still, I’ll go through a hopefully shorter version (you know how my ‘short’ stories get sometimes). Just so that y’all realize I’m not just writing all this stuff out of nowhere. I promise I am not a science teacher trying to teach history. I hate when people with no experience tell me I just need to be more positive. I’m like, “no! go away.” So, I promise I’m not just one of ‘those people’ as I so fondly call them.
So, to answer that one person’s question in church, let me give a little back story. I struggled with depression off and on for a long time before it got really bad. I went through a few different types of medication, various doctors, and a few counselors. Sometimes it helped for a bit, but none of it truly worked. I never really actually felt better. In college, I didn’t really want to be around people. I mean, I did, but I had this stupid idea that if they cared, they would come to find me to spend time with me (pretty misguided, I know) as if they didn’t have loads of homework and other stuff to do.
Then when I left college, I didn’t have any friends back home, but I had the horse I was leasing, so that was fun, I guess. Eventually, I stopped taking my meds, which is the WORST IDEA IN THE WORLD!! I knew it was stupid, but I didn’t feel like they were helping anyway. Obviously, it just went downhill from there. Eventually, I gave up on horses too, because not even horses could make my life feel like it was worth living at that point. All it did was remind me of what I would never have and everything I would never be able to do. That last choice was really the beginning of the end because then I had nothing. I left my bed every day to go to work, and then I would come home from my 2-5 hour shift and get back into bed because I didn’t know what else I was supposed to do with my life. I didn’t have anyone to talk to or hang out with. I am sure my dog would have loved to go on a walk, but that would have required leaving my bed again, so it usually didn’t happen.
One thing I want to add is something called passive suicidal ideation. It’s where you don’t want to kill yourself, but you don’t really care if you live or wish you were dead, and I had been having that since middle school. I just thought everyone felt that way, and before I got to this point, I didn’t know that I wasn’t supposed to feel like that. I always thought it wasn’t a big deal because it’s not like I actually want to kill myself. Still, I later learned that it’s a big red flag for depression, even though it doesn’t seem super extreme. So, if you ever experience that kind of thing, please take it seriously and talk to someone about it. Please, please, please, do not wait as long as I did.
Alright, back to that person’s question. It really is unfathomable in a way. Even when I look back on how I felt, I know the thought of the feeling is not even close to how bad it actually felt. It was more like uncomfortable, overwhelming loneliness and hopelessness that settles into your entire being, like when you jump into a pool and don’t have any clothes to change into. Then for the rest of the day, your clothes stick to you and weigh you down, except it was every day, and it never ended. That’s how it felt to me, at least. And to answer the question of what would bring someone to that point, I would point out that I didn’t actually want to die. I just really wanted to die. Let me explain that. Honestly, I just wanted the feeling to go away. I didn’t want to feel like that anymore. I wanted it all to go away, and I was scared it would never go away.
I didn’t not want to live, I just wanted it to stop, and at that moment, it seemed like the only way, but I would like to stop here to tell everyone that suicide isn’t your only option. It is however the only permanent option. Even though the idea of living seemed hopeless and terrifying, and I really didn’t want to, I didn’t totally want to just die either. Sleeping was great. It was like death, but without commitment. It stopped for a bit, and sometimes, when I woke up, it was just slightly better for a little while. Sleeping is probably the reason I lasted as long as I did.
A third shoutout has to go to my dog because when my mom finally took me to the doctor (where I was admitted to the hospital shortly after), the doctor told me to tell her what I was feeling. I still remember one of my answers to this day. The one thing I remember saying almost word for word was this: “I’m so tired of feeling this way, and I want to die so bad, but I can’t because my stupid dog doesn’t like anyone else except me, and she would be lost without me so I can’t leave her, but I’m so tired of feeling this way.” Now, whenever I think of that, it always brings a smile to my face because it was so true. It was not too long after I got her, and she was still at the stage where she would barely let anyone else touch her. She was really skittish and had a tendency to bite when she was scared. She even nipped at me when we first met. She’s gotten much better in the 3 years we’ve been together, but I always joke that love at first bite brought us together.
Being in the hospital was sometimes annoying, but I think it helped just being around people and having to eat 3 meals a day. The change of scenery was a good thing too. Even though none of it was by choice, that was the first lesson I learned during my recovery. Recovery is lame 90% time but 200% worth it. It probably took about half a year to feel almost like a normal human being again, and let me tell you, it is a wonderful feeling after years of feeling so depressed. In the years since then, there have been plenty of ups and downs and tears (although not nearly as many as before). Even this week, I was doing really good, but today it’s a real effort to do the stuff I need to do. I still have bad days and the occasionally totally shitty day, and sometimes I worry that I’m going backward, but it always gets better. Sometimes it takes a month, sometimes a week or so, sometimes it’s just some bad days where I have to say, “Screw it. I’ll try again tomorrow”. And that what this series is about it’s about. Not just today’s tomorrow, but all of the tomorrows. All of mine, and hopefully all of your tomorrows too.
I hope you enjoyed the intro. I do have an order worked out. Next up will be k quotes (Tuesday of next week). It will be followed by another post on Thursday (same week) that’s a continuation of the k quotes. Lastly, we will end it with Music Monday for the song that inspired it all the following week.
Sincerely,
LIBD
