Tag: Self esteem

#MusicMonday (Anxiety by Simple Plan)

Posted on by LIBD

Hey guys! Welcome to part 2! Ever since I got the great idea for a new series I hit a roadblock. Just between you and me, this was not at all what I originally planned. This is so much better than what I imagined in my head when I announced I was starting a new series. Also, I just saw Inside Out 2 and the way they portrayed Anxiety was so fascinating. I was sitting in the theater thinking, “omg I can’t wait to write about this”. Let’s get right into it. Also by the time this is posted my Etsy shop should be up and running so click the LIBD Designs page for more info about that. Self-promotion aside. Let’s do this.

The pressure comes, I can feel it now
I'm just another tragic case of
The only one I was missing out
Comparisons I can't escape from

I was at my friend’s house, and I told her Simple Plan had some new albums, but I was afraid to listen to them because I was worried that after so long, they may have lost their relatability. I was like “They have a song called Anxiety. I’ve got to hear it” In those first 4 verses I knew that they hadn’t changed a bit, and I was so relieved. Especially with all the drama I was dealing with. This quickly became my new favorite song.

Pre Chorus:
All these voices circling my head (oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)
I wish I was someone else instead
'Cause it all just brings me down

This takes me back to when I was in college. There’s this part in Inside Out 2… Okay, let me stop and say if you haven’t seen the movie, this whole post is a spoiler lol… There’s this scene where Anxiety is trying to get this group of girls to like Riley and be friends with them, and it’s really funny to watch because you can totally tell that she’s not acting like herself at all, and it reminded me of when I was in college and tried so hard to get people to like me, and in reality, I just embarrassed myself and looked stupid. I’m happy that it only took Riley a week to realize that it wasn’t working. It took me WAY longer.

Chorus:
Anxiety is killing me
All of these expectations are shaking up my sanity
I'm getting so tired of faking now

And dude it is SO exhausting, especially when you realize that no matter how hard you try you will never get everyone to like you. Expectations can only be so high before they become unrealistic. I don’t know about you but I’m so tired of trying to be perfect and not being perfect. Then hating myself for not being perfect. It truly is insanity.

Chorus continued:
It's all so much that I can't breathe
There must be something wrong with me
Reality is killing me
It's giving me anxiety

This is how I felt in April and May, the anxiety was killing me. In Inside Out 2, all Anxiety wanted to do was set Riley up for success. There’s a part near the end where she was like “What’s the worst that could happen? Well, I’m so glad you asked Joy…insert chain of catastrophes….. and then we die!” I was talking to my new psychiatrist today because I have an irrational fear of being poisoned (that wasn’t the reason I went it just came up when she asked me if I was paranoid), and you know what she told me? Well, it never hurts to be cautious as long as it’s not affecting your health or daily life. For the first time in forever, someone told me that my anxiety was good.

Anxiety, anxiety
(Get away, get away, get away, get away, get away from me)
Anxiety, anxiety

I’m not sure if he’s telling the anxiety to get away from him, or if he has social anxiety specifically so he’s telling people to get away from him. It’s very vague. Let me know your thoughts in the comments.

I try to run, gotta separate
It's everywhere, it's all around me

There are lots of things to be anxious about and after watching that movie and talking with my psychiatrist I realized Anxiety isn’t bad. It’s a good thing to a certain extent. The problem is when you let anxiety take over, which is exactly what happened to Riley in the movie. I think instead of getting rid of anxiety I just need to not let it control me. As my psychiatrist said, it’s good to be cautious. For example, if a stranger asks to meet you at a deserted location where no one would hear you scream, it’s your anxiety that’s gonna say, “You know what that sounds like a bad idea that could potentially end in death so I think we should pass”.

I try to sleep but I'm wide awake
'Cause every dream is filled with envy
[Insert Pre-Chorus and Chorus]

What’s hysterical is that Envy is another new emotion introduced inside out too. I spent so much time wishing I could be as successful as someone else, instead of figuring out what I could do to get there myself. I suppose envy isn’t bad either until it starts to lead to resentment and self-hatred. It reminds me of Ted Lasso when Kealy is asking which you would rather be, a panda or a lion. Then they ask Jamie and he says, “Coach I’m me, why would I want to be anything else” and Ted responds with, “I don’t think you realize how psychologically healthy that really is.” Oh, to have his confidence.

Anxiety, anxiety
(Get away, get away, get away, get away, get away from me)
Anxiety, anxiety
Turn everything, everything off Don't ever, don't ever look back[x2]
Let's turn everything, everything off Don't ever, don't ever look back[x2]
'Cause it all just brings me down
[Insert Chorus]

Do you ever wish you could turn your mind off? That sounds lovely. And never look back? Yes, please!!! Because it does, it all just brings me down. Agonizing over past events that I have no control of anymore, and constantly thinking about what I need to do to be better. I got this book that’s supposed to help with self-love and stuff, and since starting it there’s one phrase I’ve written a few times and need to keep reminding myself. “My worth has nothing to do with my accomplishments or lack of. I don’t need to do anything to be worthy of love and kindness.” I’m not sure how long I’ll have to keep telling myself that before I really and truly believe it, but I’m getting there. Slowly but surely.

Get away, get away, get away, get away, get away from me
Anxiety, anxiety
[x2]

At the end of Inside Out 2 when Anxiety is catastrophizing. Joy tells her “But none of that is going to happen today, is it?” Then she walks Anxiety over to her special chair and gives her some anxie-tea to drink (get it? Because it’s tea), and once Anxiety is calm and comfy they go back to what they were doing. I think my anxiety could use a comfy chair and tea to chill when it’s no longer helpful, alas it’s not that easy. I just have to ask myself when I’m feeling anxious if my anxiety is helping me or hurting me. If it’s not being helpful and only bringing me down maybe I can try to rationalize the situation that I’m worried about.

Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed today’s post, and if you haven’t seen Inside Out 2 yet, you got to go see it! I’ll see you next week for part 3, so please look forward to it. Always remember I’m cheering for you, and whatever it is that life throws at you you’ll be okay. Have a great week!

Sincerely,
LIBD

paper art hanging in the room

Who I am

Posted on by LIBD

Many years ago, the day before my birthday, my dog (the first dog I ever had) got out and was hit by a car and had to be put down. Worst. Birthday. Ever. I was invited over to my friend’s house, and I didn’t want to go because why would I want to do anything, but her mom said they really needed my help, so I went. On the way there, the radio was on, and the song Happy by Pharrell Williams came on. I immediately changed the station because how dare they play that song on such a sad day. I got to my friends’ house and found out they needed my help settling in the horse I used to ride because she was ready to retire, and they were taking her in. Best. Worst Birthday. Ever.

Turned out to be a blessing and a curse. While I did get a horse to call my own for a while, it made my friend start feeling like I only wanted to visit to see the horse, which wasn’t true, but that was how she felt. I felt horrible that I made her feel that way. She seems to be doing very well in life, but I always knew she would. She was so much more confident than me. Not to mention she had a family that all liked each other. I loved spending time with her at her house. She had some cute chickens, and her mom was like a second mom to me. I’m just sad that I wasn’t better. At friendship, communication, life…. Everything.

Sometimes I wish I could apologize to everyone who ever met me before I turned 24. I’m so sorry you had to deal with me. I was a horrible human being, and I am deeply ashamed of my behavior. I was trying to be normal, and well…… I’m definitely not normal. And I tried WAY too hard too. I wanted people to like me, and I was afraid if I was genuine and authentic, people wouldn’t like me, and they probably wouldn’t, but still. I’m sorry I was so annoying, weird, sulky, self-centered, undisciplined, dishonest, obnoxious, fake, and a total and utter pig. I ate so much looking back. It’s disgusting. There’s a song called “who I am hates who I’ve been,” and I think about that song a lot. There’s one line that says:

'Cause I don't want you to know, where I am
'Cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been

I hated who I was and didn’t want everyone else to hate me, too, but I probably made them dislike me anyway by trying so hard. There’s another part of the song though, that goes:

Who I am hates who I've been
'Cause who I've been only ever made me
… So sorry for the person I became
So sorry that it took so long for me to change
I'm ready to be sure to become that way again
'Cause who I am hates who I've been
Who I am hates who I've been

Everything I disliked about my life helped make me the person I am today, and I’m grateful for that. I still can’t help but feel embarrassed by having everyone around me watching me fail at life. I tried so hard to be liked and accepted, and my mental health suffered because of that. Ultimately, all I did was bring shame and embarrassment to all those chapters of my life. Once I finally got out of the hospital, came to terms with, and started to understand my feelings, I moved on to my life. It wasn’t just good enough to get better; I had to be the best, or at least that’s what I told myself. If I thought my time at the hospital was tough. Outpatient therapy was a cakewalk compared to trying to get my life in order. I kept making steps though, slow progress but progress no less. But I still wasn’t happy. Until this year.

I didn’t realize what had changed until today: February 8th. I was typing my daily reflection in the mindset app about “what do you owe yourself?” This was my response: I think I owe it to myself to keep getting better and be happy. I always feel like I need to earn happiness. Like, if my room isn’t clean or I get behind with payments, then I don’t deserve to be happy. Or if I’m not eating healthy enough, I shouldn’t be happy. I didn’t realize how ridiculous that sounds until I typed it out, so I hope this year is different and I can be happy no matter what is going on.

I always knew that it was unhealthy to always expect more of myself no matter how much I accomplished, but that was what changed this year. If people don’t like me, who cares. Don’t like me then. If my room isn’t clean, oh well. It’s annoying, but who cares? The only difference between a messy and a clean room is its appearance. This year I finally allowed myself to be happy. Should I clean my room? Most definitely, but I don’t feel like it, and it’s not hurting anything. I’m not only letting myself be happy; I’m letting myself be me. It’s so much easier and less stressful being myself. I can never take back how I acted or what I did, but I can move forward and be better.

I wish I could do it all over again being the person I am now. I am liked by my friends, so who cares about everyone else. That was the worst part. Going into college, I had no friends. Then I tried too hard and annoyed everyone, and a lot of them didn’t keep in touch, and I thought they all hated me. Maybe some of them do, but the truth is some people I get along with really well. We don’t really click as friends, which doesn’t mean I don’t like them, or they don’t like me. It just means we aren’t going to be besties. True friends like you because of your quirks and personality, not despite them. I realize now I can’t hold on to the guilt and shame forever. I may never be able to unfeel it, but I’m allowed to be happy with myself and my life. Not happy about those parts, but they got me to where I am today and made me a better person, and better me should feel happy. She’s come a long way, learned from her mistakes and grown from them. Not only is happiness allowed, but it’s been earned. Who I am hates who I’ve been, but that doesn’t matter because that past version of me is not who I am. 

Who I was, was bitter, angry, sad, confused, and dishonest. Who I am is learning to forgive and not hold grudges so strongly because I’ve messed up too, so it’s only fair if I extend them the same grace and kindness. Who I am is trying to deal with anger more effectively, trying to understand where it’s coming from and dealing with it instead of lashing out at others. Who I am is happy. Who I am is trying to figure things out but acknowledging some things can only be learned by messing up and making mistakes. Who I am is being open and honest with myself and about myself and holding myself accountable for my words and actions. Learning that just because you have a good excuse doesn’t always make what you did okay.

Thank you so much for reading. Don’t forget to click like and leave a comment to let me know what you think. Make sure you subscribe too so you don’t miss out on future posts. I hope you are doing well, and don’t forget to I’m always cheering for you!

Sincerely,
LIBD

healthy wood landscape nature

Cursed

Posted on by LIBD

I always joked with my K-pop friends that I was cursed. Every time I like a group, something terrible happens. When everything happened with Ravn, I was like, “Omg, this is all my fault; I should have just left them alone. I made this happen by liking them.” My friends were able to talk some sense into me. And then one of them mentioned that during their concert, Xion(Dongju) said he felt like it was his fault, and he was bad luck, and they sent me the video where he said it, and I’m like, “Juju, no!! I promise not to take responsibility if you promise not to as well.” My close friend made an excellent argument by saying that God won’t punish someone else to punish me. It’s true. He would make it personal, like my computer breaking, getting fired, or something that would send a message.

I still feel like it has a little bit to do with me. When I was younger, like 17, something happened, and I remember I sat on the floor with tears running down my face and said, “It’s okay. I’m miserable again, this is how it’s always been, and this is how it should be.” Looking back, I know there’s a lot wrong with it, but something happened today, and I had that same thought. I’ve always said I hate change, but I don’t think that’s totally true.

During my meltdown, I re-listened to a few episodes of Eric Nam’s mindset and realized that bad things aren’t always bad. Sometimes they are opportunities for growth. I hate that though, and I don’t think people understand why. It’s not that I want to rely on my family forever. I do want to move out and be independent. The reason I don’t like these “opportunities” is because I’m afraid. I’m so scared I will fail, and I’m tired of failing. I’ve already stepped so far out of my comfort zone this year, I’m afraid if I keep going, I won’t be able to find my way back.

People think I blame other people for my problems. I don’t. Why do you think I’m so anxious, stressed, and overwhelmed half the time? Because the situation I’m in now is all my fault. I failed, dug myself into this mess, and everything is my fault. I’m a stupid moron who can’t dig herself out of her own mess…… Thank you for reminding me. People think I don’t want to help myself. Seriously? Do you think I enjoy being an incompetent fool? I also want to go bungee jumping, but I won’t because it’s terrifying, and I don’t want to die. People will accept that answer in that situation. Well, life is scary too! If it isn’t for you, congrats!! Good for you! I’m horrified about the future. The only thing that scares me more than everything that could go wrong is everything that could go right.

People act like it should be so easy. Life is so simple if you just put yourself out there. Well, it’s not. I’m not you. I’m sorry I’m not as amazing as you. I’m sorry I’m not as brave and independent as you. I’m sorry I didn’t make better choices like you did. I’m sorry I suck so bad at life. Whenever I write to you guys, I always try to make sure you know it’s okay to struggle. If I talk about being productive and feeling good and you aren’t. That’s fine. Life is freaking hard. Sometimes it’s downright shitty, and easy things feel impossible. That’s okay though. I will never look down on someone for doing the best with what they have. Even if I think personally, they could be doing better, I won’t push them too hard. Sometimes just surviving is the biggest win. I thought being happy was good enough, but now I’m not so sure.

Some of you are thinking, “Why on earth didn’t you just tell this person off?” Because sometimes people’s hearts are in the right place even if their words aren’t. I try not to get mad when people have good intentions. That being said, I’m ignoring everything. I don’t remember and am not going to reread it. So, if you guys have been in that situation, comfort yourself with encouraging words. Your own words. What would you tell yourself if you were someone else in this situation? Something like this.

“Wow, Erin, that really sucks. I know you are stressing about it but remember to take it 24 hours at a time. I’m so proud of you these past weeks. You’ve been living more and caring for yourself, and you are doing so well. I know you are stressed about bills, but keep working at it, and I know you can get it paid off. If only those bills could have come during the busy season at work, but such is life. You messed up. People mess up sometimes. Don’t waste your time being ashamed; instead, use that time to do something about it. Tackle that first. The rest of your problems can wait. You are doing well, so just stick with it, get the bills paid off, and then worry about the next step. Look how much you’ve achieved in the past few years. Just imagine what you could do with a few more.”

This past year has been stressful, but I can overcome it. Yeah, I got myself into this mess. But Newt Scamander said, “Even if we make mistakes, the terrible things, we can try to make things right. And that’s what matters: trying” I’m trying, and I know I can do it, so I’m going to handle things one at a time. I’m not proud that my life sucks. I’m proud that despite my life sucking and everything that’s going wrong, I’ve found a way to still be happy. I don’t deserve to be miserable. It was a comfortable feeling because I was used to it, but I should feel happy too. And I won’t let anyone take that away from me.

Sincerely,
LIBD

Living as Me

Posted on by LIBD

Hey y’all, welcome to part 2 of the Living as Me series! I highly recommend the book I’ve decided to live as me by Kim Soo-Hyun. There’s so much good stuff in that book, the copy I have is covered in highlighter, notes, and bookmarks, and I’m sure I’ll continue to re-read it. Still, today I’m going to talk a little bit about what it taught me. Also, I’m sorry it ended up so long, but it’s too late now.

My entire life, all I’ve wanted is for everyone to be proud of me. My brother worked his way up from dishwasher to Assistant Kitchen Manager and now to Kitchen Manager. My family, in particular, are very proud of him, and I am too, but I want them to be proud of me also. I want them to be excited to tell other people about me, but I’m not an exciting person. I thought going to college would make them proud, and maybe it would have I had actually succeeded, but I didn’t.

I’ve never felt particularly loved by my parents. Most of it is just that my family aren’t very touchy-feely people (I’m really not either though). I didn’t think anything of it when I was young, but when I got older, I saw other friends and their families and how they liked spending time with each other, and I guess I got a little jealous.

My counselor and psychiatrist have told me to stop expecting so much from them. They are happy with their lives, even though they will never love me like my friend’s parents. I have to (in the infamous words of Veronica Park’s ringtone (from the show The Secret Life of my Secretary)) let it go. It’s only hurting me.

Then when I was writing the music Monday for Thanxx by Ateez, it got me thinking…. “Why do I care so much about everyone else’s opinion.” I like my job. It may not be impressive, and it may be part-time (Having muscular dystrophy, I can only handle about 20 hours a week before everything starts to hurt), but I enjoy it. The book references this phrase in Korea that goes…. “Those who belong to academic ranks 1-3 order chicken, those in ranks 4-6 fry the chicken, while those in ranks 7-9 make the delivery” (I know, right?!).

Thankfully in America, we don’t rank students like that (at least not at my school). I think I probably would have fallen somewhere in ranks 5-8, but when I read this, it got me thinking……. Without ranks 4-9, where are the wealthy, successful people going to get their chicken from, huh?

Even if successful people look down on those people, they rely on them to an extent. The world needs people to work at restaurants, grocery stores, and gas stations just as much as they need doctors and lawyers and other ‘successful’ people. Just because it’s not as glamorous or doesn’t make as much money doesn’t mean it’s not just as important.

Some people wonder when I will get a real job, but the job I have now is real enough for me for where I am right now. Maybe when I have a car and a license, I’ll want a better job, but right now, I’m perfectly content. I don’t have a problem with the person I am right now, and it makes me mad to think I let other people make me feel so self-conscious about my own life.

This book also taught me that life isn’t like school; it can’t be labeled simply by a letter grade or a GPA. Life is different for everyone, and quite frankly, nobody will ever know you well enough to be able to ‘grade’ your life anyway. It’s also no one else’s business. That’s why it’s “my” life and not theirs, and if they don’t like it, they don’t have to be around me.

It’s so refreshing to not care what other people think!!! And I feel like I can finally enjoy little things because I’m not constantly worrying about what I should be doing better with my life. I feel so much lighter now that I’m not constantly worrying about how to impress everyone. It was so exhausting!

I’m not doing anything wrong; I’m me, and that’s not a crime. I’m allowed to be happy and be proud of myself even if no one else is because it’s no one else’s business. At the end of the day, I have to live with myself, so my opinion is the only one that matters.

Honestly, I’m still learning how to be me. I’ve never really thought about what I wanted out of my life, but I realized I’m perfectly content with where I’m at now. If anything, I wish I spent less time worrying about what others think about my life and more time just enjoying it.

I also learned that people are either with me or against me, and if they aren’t with me, then I don’t need to be wasting my time on them anyway. I don’t have to be nice to others at my own expense. I’m the most important person in my life, and my happiness is the most important. That’s not an excuse to be rude to people; it just means that I don’t need to waste my energy on people who don’t have anything positive to bring to my life. My time and energy are best spent on things I want and like, like K-pop!

I’ve always loved K-pop, but I felt bad about liking something so stupid. Call off the dogs!!! I personally don’t think it’s stupid. Still, a lot of people thought it was a strange thing to be interested in. Mainly because, and I quote, “you don’t even know what they are saying.” My dad, the other day, was like, “why don’t you just download the albums on Apple Music? Why buy them?” I did download them on Apple music; I just like the posters, photo books, and photo cards.

Also, my friend’s AUX hookup in her car doesn’t work, so I listen to the CDs a lot in her car. I thought my one friend was crazy for buying a BTS light stick. It’s a lot of money to spend on a glorified flashlight (let me finish before you start hating on me). Now I have 2 (#normalizebuyinglightsticks); JBJ95 and Oneus. And one night, it was really dark, and I needed a flashlight; my phone was almost dead, so I was afraid to use the flashlight on it, so I grabbed my Oneus light stick, and it saved the day! I always felt like I had to defend my purchases, though.

One day in counseling, I was showing off my JBJ95 light stick because it was the first one I had bought, and my counselor said it was great that I had found something that made me happy. However, I had already prepared a speech justifying my purchase, so the comment surprised me. I had never gotten that reaction from showing someone anything K-pop before, but she made a good point! Plus, there really wasn’t much that made me genuinely happy at that time in my life.

I don’t need to justify anything to anyone; I don’t owe anyone anything, and I don’t need others to validate my life. I’m happy, and that’s all that matters. I’m so thankful I found K-pop, particularly Oneus. One of Oneus’ members (Xion) was doing a live stream one day. In it, he said that he hopes that if we are having a hard time, we can think of them and be encouraged, just like we (Tomoons) support and encourage them.

It seems incredibly stupid, but sometimes when I feel depressed and don’t want to do anything, I think of them. How they wouldn’t want their fans to be sad and depressed, so even if I’m having a bad day, I try not to let it get the best of me. Usually, the video of Xion making snow ducks with Leedo will cheer me up. That or their lunar new year ‘no diggity’ dance practice (I almost cried because I was laughing so hard).

My friend proofreading this was confused by that last paragraph (it was kind of an unexpected change in subject). My point is that I don’t care if people think I’m weird or stupid. K-pop makes me happy (like horses only cheaper…. I think… pricewise it could be the same, but my money goes a lot further with K-pop than it does with horses).

K-pop albums make me happy; getting a new album is like getting a Christmas present, and it’s always exciting to see whose photo cards I get. Light sticks bring my joy!!!! The BTS light stick my friend gave me (5 days ago, so I guess I have three now) can change into ANY color I want. I guess she has the newer and better version, but I think it’s so much fun!!!!!!

Even if I never go to a concert, I just like things that light up; I’m easily entertained. Especially my Oneus light stick I got for Christmas this past year. You can spin the little earth in the center, and it’s fun. Livestreams: My Korean comprehension is exceptionally minimal, but honestly, I look forward to tuning it for a bit, especially if it’s Ravn’s live because he has excellent taste in music. A lot of people don’t get it, which is fine, but it makes me happy.

As I said before, the first light stick I got was JBJ95’s, and it took me so long to get it because growing up, I wasn’t allowed to have “useless junk.” I was only allowed to get ‘meaningful’ souvenirs when we’d go on trips. I wasn’t allowed to get the necklace or the very colorful rocks or dreamcatchers (I also collect those now). I always had to get something meaningful, often a thimble. I still don’t know how my parents convinced me collecting thimbles was cool, but I think it was always more their collection than mine.

I could get a shirt, but they were usually ugly. When I wanted a Tamagotchi, I had to save up my own money. My parents didn’t want to buy “useless junk that I would get sick of in a few days” I had my Tamagotchi for at least 3 years before I lost it. To this day, I’m pretty sure my Tamagotchi obsession was the only reason my parents caved and bought me a Nintendo DS one year for Christmas. Well, that, and it was the only thing I asked for, so they were at a loss, I think.

I always felt irresponsible for liking what my parents considered ‘stupid stuff.’ Reading this book reminded me that it’s not stupid to me. I love dreamcatchers and K-pop. Just like horses, it makes me happy, and my happiness is what’s most important in my life. It also reminded me that it is my life, so at the end of the day, the only opinion that matters is my own. If I’m happy, it doesn’t matter if anyone else “gets it.”

I’m proud of how far I’ve come, especially with my mental health, and K-pop has been a big part of that. I know for K-pop groups, I’m just one fan, and I don’t actually know them. They also don’t know me, but their encouraging words and funny videos make me smile.

When I have an awful day where I just want to hide from my problems, I can listen to She’s in the Rain by The Rose, and suddenly I feel less lonely. I can listen to Can’t You See Me by Tomorrow X Together, and suddenly I feel like someone does see me. I can listen to Spark by JBJ95 and distract myself with the fan chant because it’s the only song I know the entire fan chant for.

My love for k pop, like my love for horses and music, is part of what makes me, me. It’s not something I should feel ashamed of or something I have to defend. I like who I am because I’m me, and it’s taken me way too long to say that confidently. Sure, I still have a lot to learn, and there’s plenty of room for improvement, but I’m proud of myself. Maybe I’m crazy. I think I’ve told you enough to come to a worthy decision about my sanity.

Still, whatever you think of me and whatever my family or the people around me think, I don’t really care. I’m happy, so even if you think I’m crazy, I would rather be crazy and happy than sane and sad. I hope JBJ95 has a comeback soon; I miss them. I love watching their special dance practices. Also, Kenta playing with confetti is adorable. Not quite ‘Xion making snow ducks’ cute, but close.

The other day I was in the car with my mom and her fiancé, and they told me that if I’m happy with my life, that’s all that matters. She said that even if I didn’t do well in school, I still learned a lot, which was a good experience. She’s not wrong. This book helped me understand that I don’t need anyone’s approval or validation for my life, but it was still refreshing to hear.

I learned a lot about being proud of who I am (one of my fav songs by JBJ95), the things I like, and making sure I live with no regrets. I was worried I might regret spending so much money on K-pop stuff, but so far, I regret nothing. Even if people think I’m crazy for buying the earth and moon fan meeting merch I pre-ordered, I don’t care. I was never allowed to have this kind of stuff growing up. So, what if I’m still waiting for it to ship?! I’m sure they will send it by the end of the year.

I’ve already waited a month, so I guess I’ll just keep waiting. I’ve been waiting longer for the fanship welcome kit I ordered on V-live. The eta for that is May or June (which is unfortunate as it was supposed to be my birthday present to myself). Actually, it’s rough considering I could order something from K-pop mart, and once the order is processed, they can get it from Korea to America (and by extension, my back door) in 3-4 days. I’ve been spoiled.

Everyone’s always telling me I need to be more patient, though. Maybe this is a test from God……. He knew I would want this stuff, so he’s making it take forever so I can learn to be more patient. That sounds like something He would do.

Anyway, that’s all. This isn’t as good as I hoped, but that’s what happens when I write something extraordinary like the See U Tomorrow series. I just can’t beat it. I should have saved it, but it was appropriate for where I was at, just like how this one, while less impressive, is appropriate for where I am currently in life. I hope you got anything out of this. Just read the book. I can’t sum it all up cause there’s too much, but just read the book. I’ll see you again Monday for part 3!

Sincerely,
LIBD

horses grazing

Humility and Horses

Posted on by LIBD

What’s up guys? 2nd week in a row, who is this girl!? Where to start… so today, I cleaned my entire basement, took out trash, organized, swept, AND dusted………. Then my brother, from the kindness of his heart, picked today to come to hang up the shelves that were in my old room. NOW……. I’m going to have to sweep all over again, my niece got yarn tangled in the wheels of my office chair, and a blanket that was clean 2 hours ago is now not clean after protecting my couch. I just can’t win. Nah, I’m excited to be able to hang up all my horse figurines and ribbons again. Even if it means I have to move my UNB poster over since the shelf covers up the end of it. Anyway, this has absolutely nothing to do with today’s post. I just wanted to complain about my first-world probs. Moving on.

Today I will talk about a quote that is NOT from a k-drama. Seriously, who is this girl? My friend told me about it a while back (Shoutout to her), and I knew the minute I wrote it down, I was going to write about it, so that is the reason for today’s post. I hope you like it. 가자요!!!

“Humility is not thinking less of yourself; it’s thinking of yourself less.”

Rick Warren

I’ve always struggled with low self-esteem, but I struggled even more when I started to get better. I never wanted to be over-confident or arrogant. Still, everyone kept telling me to not be so mean to myself all the time either, and it was very confusing. It’s so easy to put myself down, and no one really knows how to crush my self-esteem like I do. I know all my weak points and sensitive topics, and honestly……. It wasn’t that hard back then. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that, but it wasn’t. At one point, there was a time when it just became subconscious. It used to be very easy to make fun of myself, and often times I didn’t even realize I was doing it. Everyone was constantly calling me out on it, and I didn’t know what I was supposed to say! I wasn’t doing it on purpose, and I genuinely thought it was funny.

Sure, beating myself up wasn’t nice, but I didn’t want to be an arrogant, self-centered jagweed! I didn’t understand what people wanted from me back then, but I think I get it now, so I wanted to share it with all of you. If you’ve read my guide to loving yourself, you’ve already heard some of this, but that was just what helped me stop putting myself down so much, and like I’ve said before, it’s still a struggle.

Back to the quote though, “it’s not thinking less of yourself.” You can be humble without being mean to yourself all the time. My excuse was always, “I was just kidding,” but even if it was a joke, I was still affirming it by saying it regardless of whether or not I meant it. That’s why I always say when you start using more positive self-talk, you don’t have to believe it. You just have to say it because you’re teaching your brain new and better ways to think every time you do. After years of looking in the mirror and saying, “Girl, you look good!” I finally actually believe it every once in a while. It definitely was not easy trying to change my brains thought patterns. It’s something I still have to make a conscious effort to do, but I have more self-respect and self-love than I’ve ever had before, even if I still have a long way to go.

“It’s thinking of yourself less.” Take a second look at the previous paragraph and see how often I used “I” or “me.” That’s a big part of my problem right there. I used to be shy and timid when I was little, and I still get that way around people I don’t know, but it’s gotten much better. I think a big part of that involved horseback riding lessons. I was never really nice to myself when I was younger, but when I was with the horses, I was too busy to hate myself. They also taught me confidence, humility, and building relationships with animals and people. So, I want to explain my theory on how it happened.

Even though I was never good at making friends, at riding lessons, I didn’t really have to. We all kind of bonded over the horses or cleaning stalls, and if there was one thing I was good at back then, it was talking about horses. The other thing that helps is that horseback riding doesn’t work with just a horse or a rider; it’s the combined effort of both. Especially when I was helping one of my friends train her horse…… It just really builds confidence! I think it’s because you realize that whatever patterns or exercises you are doing, you both need each other, and you both have your own role to play to make it happen. Also, horses need to look to you as a leader, so it taught me how to step up and be assertive when I need to. It teaches humility too. Because you know it isn’t all about you even if you are the one “in charge,” and different horses teach you different things.

Melody taught me to be assertive and persistent (with my friends and the horses). Nothing came for free with her, and if you really wanted it, you had to earn it (just like how you have to earn respect. It’s not freely given). Just between you and me though, I’m pretty sure part of it was she just liked me a little more than everyone else. Ben taught me it’s okay to relax and let the horse do the work every once in a while. As long as I set him up for success, he was happy to handle the rest. Kind of like in life how sometimes it’s okay to depend on others when you are struggling. Marble taught me that sometimes subtlety is key, and every horse has different buttons (kind of like how people do). He taught me that because every horse is different, you must build an understanding of each other to make a good team.

Sunshine has taught me the most though. She taught me that there is always more to learn and always room to improve. She taught me that you need to fail sometimes to learn how to succeed. She taught me that scary doesn’t always mean bad it just means we need to practice until it isn’t scary anymore. I thought she was a little crazy the first time I rode her for lessons, but for some reason, I told my instructor that I wanted to stick with her. Now I realize that she is exactly like me…… Not crazy, just an acquired taste, and once you get to know her, she’s actually kind of awesome.

I think the main reason horses helped me so much is because I wasn’t focused on myself when I was around them. I didn’t care if my hair looked terrible or was too annoying or if anyone noticed I had muscular dystrophy because it wasn’t about me. It was about both of us. There’s a quote I really like that says something along the lines of, “I like the person I see reflected in my horses’ eyes.” It’s totally accurate, and that was what I loved most. When horses looked at me, they weren’t looking at a girl with muscular dystrophy, a failing student, or some ugly kid with braces. When I was depressed, they didn’t see me as a depressed person or someone failing at life. Horses never cared about any of that. When horses looked at me, they saw someone who probably had treats, and when I rode, they saw me as a teammate, and sometimes I like to think they might have even seen me as a friend… Is it just me, or is this getting emotional? Seriously I feel like I’m about to start tearing up; what the heck!! Alright, we’re done for the day. I don’t do feelings. It’s time to wrap it up, so let’s finish this with a takeaway and a totally not serious outro….

I think I’ve discovered that the easiest way to find the balance between putting yourself down or thinking too highly of yourself is to take yourself out of the equation. You don’t have to be arrogant to be kind to yourself, and you don’t need to constantly have an opinion of yourself. Seriously, go hang out with horses or your dog. My dog loves me enough for the both of us……. when she’s not taking a nap, stealing cuddles from someone else, or ditching me for food…… Never mind, that was a bad example, but do anything to take your mind off yourself for a bit. Avoiding has always been my favorite way to deal with problems anyway.

That sad part is that I am only half kidding about that last statement, but that’s how you find out if it’s a real problem or not. If you avoid it and it goes away, it’s not a big deal. If it doesn’t go away, the time will come when it is literally impossible to keep ignoring it, and you can just wait and deal with it then. I feel like that’s the worst advice I’ve ever given you guys, but I mean, I’ve made it this far……………………………… Actually, that makes a lot of sense now. It is a terrible idea, and it’s probably why my life is going nowhere. Wow! I learn something new every day. Thanks so much for reading. You guys are the best, and I hope you have a fabulous week.

Sincerely,
LIBD