Tag: love yourself

paper art hanging in the room

Who I am

Posted on by Er-Budd

Many years ago, the day before my birthday, my dog (the first dog I ever had) got out and was hit by a car and had to be put down. Worst. Birthday. Ever. I was invited over to my friend’s house, and I didn’t want to go because why would I want to do anything, but her mom said they really needed my help, so I went. On the way there, the radio was on, and the song Happy by Pharrell Williams came on. I immediately changed the station because how dare they play that song on such a sad day. I got to my friends’ house and found out they needed my help settling in the horse I used to ride because she was ready to retire, and they were taking her in. Best. Worst Birthday. Ever.

Turned out to be a blessing and a curse. While I did get a horse to call my own for a while, it made my friend start feeling like I only wanted to visit to see the horse, which wasn’t true, but that was how she felt. I felt horrible that I made her feel that way. She seems to be doing very well in life, but I always knew she would. She was so much more confident than me. Not to mention she had a family that all liked each other. I loved spending time with her at her house. She had some cute chickens, and her mom was like a second mom to me. I’m just sad that I wasn’t better. At friendship, communication, life…. Everything.

Sometimes I wish I could apologize to everyone who ever met me before I turned 24. I’m so sorry you had to deal with me. I was a horrible human being, and I am deeply ashamed of my behavior. I was trying to be normal, and well…… I’m definitely not normal. And I tried WAY too hard too. I wanted people to like me, and I was afraid if I was genuine and authentic, people wouldn’t like me, and they probably wouldn’t, but still. I’m sorry I was so annoying, weird, sulky, self-centered, undisciplined, dishonest, obnoxious, fake, and a total and utter pig. I ate so much looking back. It’s disgusting. There’s a song called “who I am hates who I’ve been,” and I think about that song a lot. There’s one line that says:

'Cause I don't want you to know, where I am
'Cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been

I hated who I was and didn’t want everyone else to hate me, too, but I probably made them dislike me anyway by trying so hard. There’s another part of the song though, that goes:

Who I am hates who I've been
'Cause who I've been only ever made me
… So sorry for the person I became
So sorry that it took so long for me to change
I'm ready to be sure to become that way again
'Cause who I am hates who I've been
Who I am hates who I've been

Everything I disliked about my life helped make me the person I am today, and I’m grateful for that. I still can’t help but feel embarrassed by having everyone around me watching me fail at life. I tried so hard to be liked and accepted, and my mental health suffered because of that. Ultimately, all I did was bring shame and embarrassment to all those chapters of my life. Once I finally got out of the hospital, came to terms with, and started to understand my feelings, I moved on to my life. It wasn’t just good enough to get better; I had to be the best, or at least that’s what I told myself. If I thought my time at the hospital was tough. Outpatient therapy was a cakewalk compared to trying to get my life in order. I kept making steps though, slow progress but progress no less. But I still wasn’t happy. Until this year.

I didn’t realize what had changed until today: February 8th. I was typing my daily reflection in the mindset app about “what do you owe yourself?” This was my response: I think I owe it to myself to keep getting better and be happy. I always feel like I need to earn happiness. Like, if my room isn’t clean or I get behind with payments, then I don’t deserve to be happy. Or if I’m not eating healthy enough, I shouldn’t be happy. I didn’t realize how ridiculous that sounds until I typed it out, so I hope this year is different and I can be happy no matter what is going on.

I always knew that it was unhealthy to always expect more of myself no matter how much I accomplished, but that was what changed this year. If people don’t like me, who cares. Don’t like me then. If my room isn’t clean, oh well. It’s annoying, but who cares? The only difference between a messy and a clean room is its appearance. This year I finally allowed myself to be happy. Should I clean my room? Most definitely, but I don’t feel like it, and it’s not hurting anything. I’m not only letting myself be happy; I’m letting myself be me. It’s so much easier and less stressful being myself. I can never take back how I acted or what I did, but I can move forward and be better.

I wish I could do it all over again being the person I am now. I am liked by my friends, so who cares about everyone else. That was the worst part. Going into college, I had no friends. Then I tried too hard and annoyed everyone, and a lot of them didn’t keep in touch, and I thought they all hated me. Maybe some of them do, but the truth is some people I get along with really well. We don’t really click as friends, which doesn’t mean I don’t like them, or they don’t like me. It just means we aren’t going to be besties. True friends like you because of your quirks and personality, not despite them. I realize now I can’t hold on to the guilt and shame forever. I may never be able to unfeel it, but I’m allowed to be happy with myself and my life. Not happy about those parts, but they got me to where I am today and made me a better person, and better me should feel happy. She’s come a long way, learned from her mistakes and grown from them. Not only is happiness allowed, but it’s been earned. Who I am hates who I’ve been, but that doesn’t matter because that past version of me is not who I am. 

Who I was, was bitter, angry, sad, confused, and dishonest. Who I am is learning to forgive and not hold grudges so strongly because I’ve messed up too, so it’s only fair if I extend them the same grace and kindness. Who I am is trying to deal with anger more effectively, trying to understand where it’s coming from and dealing with it instead of lashing out at others. Who I am is happy. Who I am is trying to figure things out but acknowledging some things can only be learned by messing up and making mistakes. Who I am is being open and honest with myself and about myself and holding myself accountable for my words and actions. Learning that just because you have a good excuse doesn’t always make what you did okay.

Thank you so much for reading. Don’t forget to click like and leave a comment to let me know what you think. Make sure you subscribe too so you don’t miss out on future posts. I hope you are doing well, and don’t forget to I’m always cheering for you!

Sincerely,
LIBD

Living as Me

Posted on by Er-Budd

Hey y’all, welcome to part 2 of the Living as Me series! I highly recommend the book I’ve decided to live as me by Kim Soo-Hyun. There’s so much good stuff in that book, the copy I have is covered in highlighter, notes, and bookmarks, and I’m sure I’ll continue to re-read it. Still, today I’m going to talk a little bit about what it taught me. Also, I’m sorry it ended up so long, but it’s too late now.

My entire life, all I’ve wanted is for everyone to be proud of me. My brother worked his way up from dishwasher to Assistant Kitchen Manager and now to Kitchen Manager. My family, in particular, are very proud of him, and I am too, but I want them to be proud of me also. I want them to be excited to tell other people about me, but I’m not an exciting person. I thought going to college would make them proud, and maybe it would have I had actually succeeded, but I didn’t.

I’ve never felt particularly loved by my parents. Most of it is just that my family aren’t very touchy-feely people (I’m really not either though). I didn’t think anything of it when I was young, but when I got older, I saw other friends and their families and how they liked spending time with each other, and I guess I got a little jealous.

My counselor and psychiatrist have told me to stop expecting so much from them. They are happy with their lives, even though they will never love me like my friend’s parents. I have to (in the infamous words of Veronica Park’s ringtone (from the show The Secret Life of my Secretary)) let it go. It’s only hurting me.

Then when I was writing the music Monday for Thanxx by Ateez, it got me thinking…. “Why do I care so much about everyone else’s opinion.” I like my job. It may not be impressive, and it may be part-time (Having muscular dystrophy, I can only handle about 20 hours a week before everything starts to hurt), but I enjoy it. The book references this phrase in Korea that goes…. “Those who belong to academic ranks 1-3 order chicken, those in ranks 4-6 fry the chicken, while those in ranks 7-9 make the delivery” (I know, right?!).

Thankfully in America, we don’t rank students like that (at least not at my school). I think I probably would have fallen somewhere in ranks 5-8, but when I read this, it got me thinking……. Without ranks 4-9, where are the wealthy, successful people going to get their chicken from, huh?

Even if successful people look down on those people, they rely on them to an extent. The world needs people to work at restaurants, grocery stores, and gas stations just as much as they need doctors and lawyers and other ‘successful’ people. Just because it’s not as glamorous or doesn’t make as much money doesn’t mean it’s not just as important.

Some people wonder when I will get a real job, but the job I have now is real enough for me for where I am right now. Maybe when I have a car and a license, I’ll want a better job, but right now, I’m perfectly content. I don’t have a problem with the person I am right now, and it makes me mad to think I let other people make me feel so self-conscious about my own life.

This book also taught me that life isn’t like school; it can’t be labeled simply by a letter grade or a GPA. Life is different for everyone, and quite frankly, nobody will ever know you well enough to be able to ‘grade’ your life anyway. It’s also no one else’s business. That’s why it’s “my” life and not theirs, and if they don’t like it, they don’t have to be around me.

It’s so refreshing to not care what other people think!!! And I feel like I can finally enjoy little things because I’m not constantly worrying about what I should be doing better with my life. I feel so much lighter now that I’m not constantly worrying about how to impress everyone. It was so exhausting!

I’m not doing anything wrong; I’m me, and that’s not a crime. I’m allowed to be happy and be proud of myself even if no one else is because it’s no one else’s business. At the end of the day, I have to live with myself, so my opinion is the only one that matters.

Honestly, I’m still learning how to be me. I’ve never really thought about what I wanted out of my life, but I realized I’m perfectly content with where I’m at now. If anything, I wish I spent less time worrying about what others think about my life and more time just enjoying it.

I also learned that people are either with me or against me, and if they aren’t with me, then I don’t need to be wasting my time on them anyway. I don’t have to be nice to others at my own expense. I’m the most important person in my life, and my happiness is the most important. That’s not an excuse to be rude to people; it just means that I don’t need to waste my energy on people who don’t have anything positive to bring to my life. My time and energy are best spent on things I want and like, like K-pop!

I’ve always loved K-pop, but I felt bad about liking something so stupid. Call off the dogs!!! I personally don’t think it’s stupid. Still, a lot of people thought it was a strange thing to be interested in. Mainly because, and I quote, “you don’t even know what they are saying.” My dad, the other day, was like, “why don’t you just download the albums on Apple Music? Why buy them?” I did download them on Apple music; I just like the posters, photo books, and photo cards.

Also, my friend’s AUX hookup in her car doesn’t work, so I listen to the CDs a lot in her car. I thought my one friend was crazy for buying a BTS light stick. It’s a lot of money to spend on a glorified flashlight (let me finish before you start hating on me). Now I have 2 (#normalizebuyinglightsticks); JBJ95 and Oneus. And one night, it was really dark, and I needed a flashlight; my phone was almost dead, so I was afraid to use the flashlight on it, so I grabbed my Oneus light stick, and it saved the day! I always felt like I had to defend my purchases, though.

One day in counseling, I was showing off my JBJ95 light stick because it was the first one I had bought, and my counselor said it was great that I had found something that made me happy. However, I had already prepared a speech justifying my purchase, so the comment surprised me. I had never gotten that reaction from showing someone anything K-pop before, but she made a good point! Plus, there really wasn’t much that made me genuinely happy at that time in my life.

I don’t need to justify anything to anyone; I don’t owe anyone anything, and I don’t need others to validate my life. I’m happy, and that’s all that matters. I’m so thankful I found K-pop, particularly Oneus. One of Oneus’ members (Xion) was doing a live stream one day. In it, he said that he hopes that if we are having a hard time, we can think of them and be encouraged, just like we (Tomoons) support and encourage them.

It seems incredibly stupid, but sometimes when I feel depressed and don’t want to do anything, I think of them. How they wouldn’t want their fans to be sad and depressed, so even if I’m having a bad day, I try not to let it get the best of me. Usually, the video of Xion making snow ducks with Leedo will cheer me up. That or their lunar new year ‘no diggity’ dance practice (I almost cried because I was laughing so hard).

My friend proofreading this was confused by that last paragraph (it was kind of an unexpected change in subject). My point is that I don’t care if people think I’m weird or stupid. K-pop makes me happy (like horses only cheaper…. I think… pricewise it could be the same, but my money goes a lot further with K-pop than it does with horses).

K-pop albums make me happy; getting a new album is like getting a Christmas present, and it’s always exciting to see whose photo cards I get. Light sticks bring my joy!!!! The BTS light stick my friend gave me (5 days ago, so I guess I have three now) can change into ANY color I want. I guess she has the newer and better version, but I think it’s so much fun!!!!!!

Even if I never go to a concert, I just like things that light up; I’m easily entertained. Especially my Oneus light stick I got for Christmas this past year. You can spin the little earth in the center, and it’s fun. Livestreams: My Korean comprehension is exceptionally minimal, but honestly, I look forward to tuning it for a bit, especially if it’s Ravn’s live because he has excellent taste in music. A lot of people don’t get it, which is fine, but it makes me happy.

As I said before, the first light stick I got was JBJ95’s, and it took me so long to get it because growing up, I wasn’t allowed to have “useless junk.” I was only allowed to get ‘meaningful’ souvenirs when we’d go on trips. I wasn’t allowed to get the necklace or the very colorful rocks or dreamcatchers (I also collect those now). I always had to get something meaningful, often a thimble. I still don’t know how my parents convinced me collecting thimbles was cool, but I think it was always more their collection than mine.

I could get a shirt, but they were usually ugly. When I wanted a Tamagotchi, I had to save up my own money. My parents didn’t want to buy “useless junk that I would get sick of in a few days” I had my Tamagotchi for at least 3 years before I lost it. To this day, I’m pretty sure my Tamagotchi obsession was the only reason my parents caved and bought me a Nintendo DS one year for Christmas. Well, that, and it was the only thing I asked for, so they were at a loss, I think.

I always felt irresponsible for liking what my parents considered ‘stupid stuff.’ Reading this book reminded me that it’s not stupid to me. I love dreamcatchers and K-pop. Just like horses, it makes me happy, and my happiness is what’s most important in my life. It also reminded me that it is my life, so at the end of the day, the only opinion that matters is my own. If I’m happy, it doesn’t matter if anyone else “gets it.”

I’m proud of how far I’ve come, especially with my mental health, and K-pop has been a big part of that. I know for K-pop groups, I’m just one fan, and I don’t actually know them. They also don’t know me, but their encouraging words and funny videos make me smile.

When I have an awful day where I just want to hide from my problems, I can listen to She’s in the Rain by The Rose, and suddenly I feel less lonely. I can listen to Can’t You See Me by Tomorrow X Together, and suddenly I feel like someone does see me. I can listen to Spark by JBJ95 and distract myself with the fan chant because it’s the only song I know the entire fan chant for.

My love for k pop, like my love for horses and music, is part of what makes me, me. It’s not something I should feel ashamed of or something I have to defend. I like who I am because I’m me, and it’s taken me way too long to say that confidently. Sure, I still have a lot to learn, and there’s plenty of room for improvement, but I’m proud of myself. Maybe I’m crazy. I think I’ve told you enough to come to a worthy decision about my sanity.

Still, whatever you think of me and whatever my family or the people around me think, I don’t really care. I’m happy, so even if you think I’m crazy, I would rather be crazy and happy than sane and sad. I hope JBJ95 has a comeback soon; I miss them. I love watching their special dance practices. Also, Kenta playing with confetti is adorable. Not quite ‘Xion making snow ducks’ cute, but close.

The other day I was in the car with my mom and her fiancé, and they told me that if I’m happy with my life, that’s all that matters. She said that even if I didn’t do well in school, I still learned a lot, which was a good experience. She’s not wrong. This book helped me understand that I don’t need anyone’s approval or validation for my life, but it was still refreshing to hear.

I learned a lot about being proud of who I am (one of my fav songs by JBJ95), the things I like, and making sure I live with no regrets. I was worried I might regret spending so much money on K-pop stuff, but so far, I regret nothing. Even if people think I’m crazy for buying the earth and moon fan meeting merch I pre-ordered, I don’t care. I was never allowed to have this kind of stuff growing up. So, what if I’m still waiting for it to ship?! I’m sure they will send it by the end of the year.

I’ve already waited a month, so I guess I’ll just keep waiting. I’ve been waiting longer for the fanship welcome kit I ordered on V-live. The eta for that is May or June (which is unfortunate as it was supposed to be my birthday present to myself). Actually, it’s rough considering I could order something from K-pop mart, and once the order is processed, they can get it from Korea to America (and by extension, my back door) in 3-4 days. I’ve been spoiled.

Everyone’s always telling me I need to be more patient, though. Maybe this is a test from God……. He knew I would want this stuff, so he’s making it take forever so I can learn to be more patient. That sounds like something He would do.

Anyway, that’s all. This isn’t as good as I hoped, but that’s what happens when I write something extraordinary like the See U Tomorrow series. I just can’t beat it. I should have saved it, but it was appropriate for where I was at, just like how this one, while less impressive, is appropriate for where I am currently in life. I hope you got anything out of this. Just read the book. I can’t sum it all up cause there’s too much, but just read the book. I’ll see you again Monday for part 3!

Sincerely,
LIBD

heart shape on sand

A Guide to Loving Yourself

Posted on by Er-Budd

In my last music Monday, I said I would post this later that same week, but that never happened. Here it is though, the very late follow-up to my Music Monday post, which you should totally read if you haven’t. The song, Someone Else, goes right along with this theme. I hope you like it, but it’s been a week, and I don’t even remember what I wrote.

It’s time guys…. The whole reason I started this blog was to one day write something like this, and I hope when I’m done, it will meet my possibly-too-high expectations. This post is for you just as much as for me. When I’m feeling down, I can read it again and again until it sinks in. So, buckle up and get ready for some truth bombs because it’s about to get real. Let’s do this.

One of the biggest obstacles in my recovery was my self-esteem; sometimes, it’s still a problem. However, I can happily report it is getting better. Because of this, I would like to share some of my tips and tricks with you again in the hope that you can start to feel better as well. I’ll start with some general rules, but no matter how insane or impossible they sound, just keep reading, and I promise it will all make sense by the time I’m done. Just don’t shoot anything down until you’ve read the whole thing.

First off, I want you to know that you are fantastic! You are one of a kind, and you matter so much. If you disagree with that statement, I’m sorry you feel that way, and I would like to dedicate this post to you. Yes, that’s right, You! The hardest part for me was the subconscious self-hatred. I didn’t want to hate myself, but I did and didn’t know how to stop or why I should stop.

I’ll start with the why. Why shouldn’t I hate myself? Why shouldn’t you hate yourself? Well, I’m glad you asked. I’ll refer you to my earlier statement. You are super cool and super talented, and there are so many beautiful things about you that you might not see right now, but I promise they are there. Don’t stop reading yet. You can’t call bs until I’m done.

Moving on to the how. The very first step is stopping the negative thoughts. I used to literally walk around with “I hate myself” glued to the front of my brain. Even now, it still pops into my head, but you have got to stop those thoughts. It doesn’t matter if you think it’s true. You can’t give those thoughts the power. Whenever those words pop into my head, I change them. Once I became aware of the subconscious thought, I was able to change it. When my brain starts to say those words, I change the ending to something better, so instead of thinking that I hate myself, I will think, “I hate some of the decisions I made” or “I hate the way I think of myself.” The first step is retraining your brain to think better thoughts. It takes a lot of work; it took me almost 3 years to get this far, and I still fall back occasionally.

The next rule is being careful what you tell yourself or say about yourself. A general rule of thumb is that if you wouldn’t say it to your favorite person or friend, then you shouldn’t say it about yourself. There are a lot of ways to go about this. First, don’t shoot down compliments. If someone tells you they like your hair, just say thank you! That was the first thing I learned. I used to always deny compliments because I didn’t believe them. That brings us to number two; be a friend to yourself.

Someone once told me there wasn’t anything good about them. That is ABSOLUTELY not true. Find something; Find ANYTHING! Maybe your hair looks great today, or perhaps that outfit looks perfect on you. I have an ‘I look good today’ outfit that I wear anytime I’m going to be around a lot of people, so I won’t feel like everyone is judging me. Find your own ‘I look good today’ outfit. Be kind to yourself, and if you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything. At first, it was hard because I didn’t realize how often I talked bad about myself. The first step before you can be nice to yourself is to stop being mean to yourself. Just putting an end to the negativity made such a difference but remember, it doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a process that takes time, but don’t give up because I didn’t feel like I was making progress until I looked back years later and saw how far I had come.

This next tip might sound weird, but don’t judge because it works. I would stand in front of the mirror singing Me Too by Meghan Trainor, and even if I didn’t believe it, I sang it like I meant it, and I felt like a boss. Also, Boss by NCT 127 makes me feel like a boss when I listen to it. 

Side note: someone didn’t know what I meant when I said something was boss. When I say someone or something is boss, it means it’s all that, or they are all that. Like how in video games, you would have to defeat the boss, who was usually a bad guy or monster that required extra skill to defeat. If you managed to beat it, only then could you move on to the next level. So that’s what I mean when I say, boss, back to the topic.

Listen to that song that makes you feel like a boss and take some time to enjoy the feeling. At first, confidence was a weird feeling, but the more I experienced it, the more I liked it, and the more I wanted to feel like that. Keep in mind that everything I’m writing is being written from 5 years of learning, struggling, and success. Don’t expect to feel better tomorrow; if you do, that’s great but don’t count on it. Don’t get discouraged though. The second most important thing I learned is good things take time, and everyone has their own path to walk, but don’t let a lack of progress get you down. I believe in you, even if you don’t. You deserve to feel good about yourself even if you don’t think you do. While I was learning to love myself, I was much better at giving advice than I was at taking said advice, which brings me to my final tip.

Write a letter yourself as if you were writing it to a friend. What would you want yourself to know about yourself? If your best friend was in your shoes, what would you say? Deep down, I knew what I needed to hear, but I didn’t believe it or think I deserved it. It was easier to be kind to myself when I wasn’t directly talking to myself. Put those letters in a particular place. Get those letters out every time you see yourself sliding back into the negativity. I still look at mine every once in a while when I can’t remember why I’m so awesome.

The only problem is that sometimes I’m doing too good, and I can be a bit full of myself, but then I see how my hair looks when I wake up in the morning, and it humbles me. Also, there’s nothing wrong with feeling like you’re all that as long as you’re still able to be a decent human. You deserve to feel like a boss because even if you don’t see it now, someday you will. One day I walked past a mirror, and I saw myself. My first thought was, “you don’t look half bad today. Way to be, girl. Way to be,” and I was shocked after I thought that, but I realized I liked feeling like that, and that was my lightbulb moment. I hope you will be able to work towards your lightbulb moment as well because no matter what you or anyone else says, you matter and are important. You have a lot to offer this world. Once you see your greatness, then you can share your greatness with the rest of the world, and even though I might not know you, I feel like you’ve got a lot to share.

I hope you liked this, even if all you got out of it was that you deserve to be the best you can be. It all starts with being aware of negative thoughts and slowly replacing them with positive ones. You deserve to be happy, and I hope I was able to help you find your happiness. I wish you the best of luck in life, my dear reader, and until next time…..

Sincerely,
LIBD

#MusicMonday (Someone Else by The Jellyrox)

Posted on by Er-Budd

안녕하세요 여러븐! Happy Music Monday y’all! I’ve been trying to get faster at typing Korean on my keyboard, but it took me one minute to type that. I’m much better at typing Korean on my phone. Anywho, today’s Music Monday is a prequel to my LIBD’s guide to… that I will be posting later this week (I will do my best not to forget). Also, I will start a new series soon and announce it on the Facebook page. No need to get your hopes up, though. It’s not nearly as exciting as I’m making it sound. And without further ado … (I don’t know how to spell it, but WordPress didn’t put the squiggly red line under that one, so it’s the one I’m sticking with). Please enjoy!

Well I catch my reflection like it’s some kind of disease
Wish I quarantined my thoughts before they made it past my teeth

Self-hatred has always been a struggle for me. Even though I’ve gotten a lot better, it’s still hard. Sometimes it’s how I look; other times, it’s things I’ve said or done making me feel stupid. It’s like there’s a little voice in my head that only wants to see the flaws.

I walk outside and it feels just like the weight of everybody’s eyes
Is wrapped around my heart so tight that it might cease to beat

I have had social anxiety for as long as I can remember, and the first time I heard this song, this part really stuck with me. I always felt like everyone was staring at me or laughing at me. If I didn’t even like myself, why would anyone else? My counselor told me to wear my favorite outfit when I go out so that I wouldn’t be self-conscious. When I feel like everyone’s watching me, I assume it’s because they are jealous of my outfit and not because they are waiting for me to embarrass myself….. Most of the time.

(Pre chorus) And it's all just passing through, but sometimes
(Chorus) I wake up wishing I was someone else
In a different circumstance, with a different set of plans
And I feel like the world expected someone else

I still don’t like many things about myself and my life. There’s still a lot that I wish could be different. Sometimes I wish I could trade lives with someone more talented or successful. I want to do something significant with my life, but I’m only me. Sometimes I do wake up wishing I was someone else. Someone in a different circumstance, with a different set of plans. My biggest struggle is simply feeling like I’m not enough to do the things I want to do in life.

Well I just wanna like what I see
I just wanna like being me

That would be nice, but it’s so much easier said than done.

These failures I can’t fix all feel like fire without the heat
Somehow the devil’s guilty conscience found its way inside of me

The worst part about failure is that it’s past tense. It’s already happened, and now I have to live with that failure, however stupid or embarrassing it may be. It’s really hard not to feel like a failure when my track record of messing up is as long and embarrassing as mine is.

‘Cause I let everything I see convince me that I need
To be loved and liked and listened to by everyone but me
(Insert pre chorus& chorus)

This is the worst part right here. Because I couldn’t care less, I care that other people might care, and that’s when I run into problems. I’ve been told by multiple people that I tend to much what other people think. Yes, the rational part of my brain understands that I’m probably the only one who still remembers every screw-up of my entire life, but it doesn’t matter. If I have to be around other people, I don’t want those people to think I’m a total moron.

Don’t get caught up in the feeling that the grass is always greener
‘Cause you’ll never find your meaning if you’re not ok with you

The grass really is greener on the other side. The problem is that maybe the grass is greener on that side because it always rains. Perhaps the grass is greener, but there is no one else over there to enjoy the green grass with. I’ve been around horses long enough to know that even if the grass is greener, it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the better side. Sometimes the side you’re on is the best. However, we don’t realize it because we only think about the grass without considering the other possible factors. For all we know, there could be a man-eating bear on the other side waiting for an innocent little dear to come along and enjoy the green grass, and then BAM…. bear food. You never know.

And when you feel like life’s a living hell, that’s the one way you can tell
You only ever see yourself in everything you do
And life is not all about you

I can admit that I tend to be self-centered. I tend to assume that the way I see the world through my eyes is the same as everyone else’s. If you think about it, it is kind of arrogant. I spend so much time assuming what other people think or say about me. As if they wouldn’t have anything better to do with their lives than think about my most embarrassing moments. I feel like I should probably have better things to do with my life than thinking about everything I don’t like about me as well. Maybe I am too self-centered.

Don’t spend it wishing you were someone else
In a different circumstance with a different set of plans
Only you, can be the you, you were made to be (Truth Bomb)

There is only one me in the entire world, just like there is only one you. I don’t need to be my friend just because she is successful, and her life seems to be going somewhere. The position of being her has already been filled. It took me too long to realize that I needed to focus more on being me. Even if being me doesn’t look super successful or glamourous. I’ve learned that while others may have been mean to me in the past, no one has been as cruel to me as I’ve been to myself. If there is anyone who should be cheering me on and supporting me, it’s me, and I don’t do it nearly as much as I should.

And I’m starting to like what I see
I’m starting to like being me (#goals)

It’s been a long road, but I’m doing much better. I don’t think I’m fat anymore. I’m still working on losing weight, but now it’s because I want to, and not because I think I’m fat (I mean, I’m definitely not skinny, but I don’t feel eww about it anymore). I try to be more kind and forgiving towards myself, especially when I get lazy. I also don’t let other people’s opinions get to me as much anymore. The last time someone called me fat a few years ago (also 40lbs ago), I just laughed because she was always a jagweed anyway, so I wasn’t even surprised. I just did the mature adult thing and blocked her. I heard that she wants to be my friend again (for the 8th time) from our mutual friend. However, that was a year ago or so ago, and I have yet to unblock her. It wasn’t a short or easy road to gain confidence, but I will say that confidence is a nice thing to feel.

But sometimes I wake up wishing I was someone else
In a different circumstance, with a different set of plans
And I feel like the world expected someone else

Like with all things, there are still bad days. Sometimes I get caught up in the past or other peoples’ opinions of myself. There are still time’s when I get bummed out when I’m not losing weight as fast as I would like. There I days when I wonder if my life will ever amount to anything. It’s definitely not easy.

Well I just wanna like what I see
I just wanna like being me

But at the end of the day, the one thing that keeps me going is that I really do want to like what I see, and I really do want to enjoy being me. I want to wonder if maybe I’m being too conceited sometimes. It’s an excellent problem to have every once in a while. I want to enjoy going out with my friends. It’s much more fun to go shopping at the mall when you don’t feel like everyone you walk past is judging you. I know this because it has happened on multiple occasions, and it might not always be easy, but it is always 100% worth it.

This song has always meant a lot to me, and I hope you like it too.
Sincerely,
LIBD