In honor of political correctness, this is part of the k-quotes series, but Amensalism is actually from Taiwan. For the sake of simplicity, I’m just gonna let the title mislead everyone until they read it. Anyway…
Hey guys….. No exclamation points today. How have you been this week? Have you been doing okay lately? I’m doing okay. I’m not happy, but that’s alright, I guess. Sometimes I feel just plain sad, and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean my life is a mess; it just means I’m struggling right now, and I was told that that’s okay too. Sometimes life can seem impossibly hard, and that’s all part of being human. I don’t like it when life is hard though, and sometimes when it’s hard, I become afraid that it will be like this forever. That’s when I read my See U Tomorrow series or other old posts but knowing it’s going to be okay doesn’t make it alright.
Knowing all the answers doesn’t fix the problem. It just makes my shitty week slightly less shitty because I know realistically it will eventually get better. That being said, I also mentioned in my last series how much I hate the word eventually. Honestly, I can only take so much of my own advice before I find said advice to be incredibly annoying. Today I’m just going to be honest. I’m not going to try to give advice one way or another; I’m just going to talk and see where it goes. Now you’re probably thinking, “LIBD, this is a k-quote post; where is the quote??” Fine. Here it is….
“30 seconds. Sometimes, bad things will happen in this world. No matter how hard you try you can’t prevent them. No matter how many times you see it, you’ll still feel hurt. Let yourself be afraid for 30 seconds today.”
Amensalism
Today ago, I talked to my psychiatrist. She kindly reminded me of what I like to call “the right answers” for dealing with my life. But honestly, I was not in the mood for the right answers or any answers, so I will try again tomorrow. Back to the quote, though, it really doesn’t require much explanation. I feel like it is short, sweet, and to the point. How I wish everything was.
The biggest dilemma I face as a Christian is what is commonly referred to as the problem of evil. Why do bad things happen? Why am I struggling so much with life right now? There’s a line in the song Hold My Heart by Tenth Avenue North that says, “if you’re everything you say you are, would you come close and hold my heart.” It’s God! If he’s all-powerful and stuff, why won’t he just fix everything?! That whole song really just says it all. Why are bad things happening? Where exactly is he when it seems like everything is falling apart? One time someone asked me that question, and at bible college, we spent a whole class period on the subject and talked about it, but I don’t think we ever came up with an answer. I just left class that day feeling very sad. So, when I was asked why, if God was real, he would let the bad things happen, my answer was straightforward. I said, “I wish I knew, but it’s on my growing list of questions I’m going to ask him when I get to heaven.”
So, bad things are just a part of life. Yay me. If I was writing an inspirational blog that I could look back on when I’m feeling down, I would probably start talking about how it’s not all bad, and at times like this, you need to count your blessings or some stupid nonsense like that. Here’s the thing though. Today, I don’t want to count my blessings. I don’t want to think about everything I’ve accomplished instead of everything I haven’t. I don’t want to think at all. I want to be sad, scared, and negative because that’s how I feel. I’m tired of trying to convince myself that I shouldn’t be sad when I am. It’s exhausting!!!
30 seconds; that’s all I want. 30 seconds to cry, scream, whine and complain because life IS hard right now, and I AM feeling a little tired and defeated. For 30 seconds, I just want to feel what I feel without trying to decide if those feelings are justified. For 30 seconds, I want to be scared that it will never get better because regardless of the correct answer, that’s how I feel. I want to be terrified that I’ll be single forever and die alone. Because even if it’s not true, that’s how I feel right now. I want to be worried that I’m failing at life right now because even if people tell me that 25 is still young, I feel like I’m running out of time, which terrifies me. 30 seconds……… well, maybe a few minutes, but I just want to feel what I feel.
Just a few minutes to not care about the “right answers” because knowing the rain will stop doesn’t help you if you are stranded outside and don’t have an umbrella. Until it does stop, you are just going to be wet, and at that point, there’s no reason to rush home because you are already soaked. I’ll never forget the look on my counselor’s face when I told her I knew all the “answers.” I do know them, but that doesn’t necessarily mean anything. I just want a few minutes to rest, to accept momentary defeat. Because if there is one thing I have learned from putting together insanely hard puzzles, it’s sometimes best to just give up. Not forever, just for a few minutes.
Sometimes all you really need is a fresh mind. When puzzles make me hate my life, that’s usually when I call it a day. It’ll still be there tomorrow. The impossible pieces that all look the same will still be there to annoy me tomorrow. The only difference is that when I try again with a fresh mind, it doesn’t seem as impossible anymore, and that’s what I do every day until it’s finished. I work on the section that looks the easiest, and I give up for the day when I feel like the puzzle is hopeless. Then when I’m ready and have a fresh mind, the cycle starts again.
It’s pointless to keep putting a puzzle together when I’ve started feeling defeated by it. At that point, I’m not actually doing it because I enjoy it but because I don’t want to be a failure. In the end though, I’m just torturing myself because I’m fighting a losing battle. Maybe in life, like with puzzles, it’s okay to take a few minutes. To acknowledge your situation and your feelings. It’s okay to not be okay. I think the real problem is that I’m not actually trying to deal with my negative emotions and feelings. I just try to talk myself into not feeling them or reason with myself as to why I shouldn’t feel that way.
Maybe I’m not all that okay today, but that’s fine because I can wake up tomorrow with a fresh mind. Even if I only manage to fit a few more pieces into the impossible puzzle that has become my life. Two is better than zero, and tomorrow when I go to bed, I can feel good that something went right even with everything going wrong. Even if it wasn’t a lot, I could say I did something, and I can be proud of that small something. It’s almost 11:30, so I should probably go to sleep if I want to have a fresh mind tomorrow, but I’m going to set a few simple goals first. Tomorrow, I want to wash my face and put on makeup. When I do my final editing, I will let you guys know if I did it or not, but maybe letting you guys know will be the extra push of motivation I need to get it done. Wish me luck and thank you so much for listening today. It really means a lot…. Even if you didn’t really have a choice, I still appreciate it and you. Y’all are the best, and I hope you have a fantastic weekend.
Sincerely,
LIBD
Post editing notes: The day after I wrote this, I washed my face and tried to put on makeup, but I’m still learning, and it looked terrible, so it didn’t stay on for long, but I had a great evening at the barn, which is the highlight of my week so far. Little victories, I guess, but today (the day after the day after) was not too great. I think part of it is being tired from riding lessons the night before, but my friend brought me a s’mores frappe while I was having the worst time at work, so I’m just going to think about that and chill for the rest of the evening. It was a rough day, though, so even though I’m going to try to wash my face tonight (self-care has never been my strong suit), I’m not going to beat myself up if I don’t. Well, I’ll try not to anyway. Baby steps, lol.
