Tag: I tried

K-quotes: Hurt

Posted on by Er-Budd

“Don’t let yourself and others get hurt by things that have nothing to do with you”
“Hurt? I don’t get hurt.”
“No matter who your anger may be directed toward, your rage will end up hurting you in the end. It will hurt you and those you care about.”

The smile has left your eyes

First off, a quick spoiler alert to deter you from watching…… Surprise! They both die in the end. In the last ten minutes actually. It was quite shocking, but I really should have seen it coming, it was a pretty depressing show I really don’t remember much apart from this quote and that terrible ending. I just watched it because Hongbin from Vixx was in it. My bad, I guess. Anywho. This part of this quote that really stood out to me was the “Hurt? I don’t get hurt.” Because I was watching like, “you tell him! Psh hurt. What’s hurt?” (You know, totally in denial). As I mentioned in one of my previous blogs, ‘Better than you Think’, once I convinced myself no one loved me I really didn’t feel hurt by anything anymore.

I think what the person (see I don’t even remember anyone’s name) is talking about is that hurt doesn’t always come in the sense of feeling betrayal or sadness. Let me see if I can put my thoughts in a way that makes sense and see where this goes. If you’re reading it right now that means it went somewhere good, so yay me! This might end up paralleling a lot with what I touched on in the above mentioned post, so feel free to read it next if you start feeling confused.

I’m sure he wasn’t lying about not getting hurt because, like I said, I don’t get hurt either. I may feel angry, annoyed, or resentful, but not hurt. I don’t expect people to follow through with what they say. I don’t assume things are going to go my way. I don’t wake up thinking it’s going to be a great day. Henceforth, it’s hard for anything to really hurt me because I didn’t really have high expectations about it in the first place. Historically, words are meaningless. People say a lot of things. They say they love you. They say they’re on your side. All it is though, is words. Empty pointless words. It’s not their fault though, they just want me to feel happy, and would I feel as happy if they said, “Honestly I don’t really like you that much, I was just trying to be nice”? Well. Let me let you in on a little secret…… I would bummed sure, but I would be less angry if they would just be honest with me.

I don’t like assuming people are going to stab me in the back, but it’s what I do so that I don’t get hurt. Some of you may be saying, “I know you said you wouldn’t be as angry, but you sound kind of angry right now”. I do, don’t I? All that petty anger directed at the wrong person could be pretty hurtful, couldn’t it? I think that’s what the guy was trying to tell him. Just because he didn’t feel hurt doesn’t mean he wasn’t hurting, and how we deal with that hurt could hurt those around us.

Personally, I don’t feel like my anger is hurting me. I actually enjoy being angry because for the longest time I had to choose between being sad because of the actions of others or being mad at those people for their actions, and anger was much easier to handle than sadness. That’s why I side with that dude (we will call him what’s his face) 100%; I don’t get hurt either. The difference between me and what’s his face is that I think he was in denial. He honestly didn’t think he was hurting, like, at all. He just didn’t see it, which I get. I didn’t see how much I was hurting for the longest time either.

People always tell me how wise and mature I am, and sometimes I jokingly tell them, “Thanks. It’s the trauma. It ages you.” When I first started meeting with my current counselor, also the only good counselor I’ve ever had, she told me I’ve probably been struggling with depression since middle school. I see it now obviously, but during high school I had no idea. I thought everyone stared at their homework for 20 minutes and gave up when nothing happened. I thought everyone hated themselves and wished they were dead sometimes. I didn’t feel sad. I wasn’t crying every day like I did in college when it started getting really bad. I didn’t feel hurt. I felt tired because I only got 4 hours of sleep a night, but it’s high school, I thought everybody was sleep deprived from stress. I felt like a failure, but I was barely passing any of my classes, and my teachers said it was all my fault, so who wouldn’t feel like a failure.

There are many different ways to be hurt. Sometimes in the process of making sure we don’t get hurt by others, we end up hurting ourselves without realizing it. Whenever he thought he was getting close to someone, he would hurt them first before they had a chance to hurt him, even though they had no intentions of hurting him in the first place. The most important lesson I’ve learned is there is no right or wrong way of feeling in any situation. They always said not to judge my feelings, but just accept them as what they are, feelings. I think it’s really easy to say that I don’t get hurt, and it could very probably be true. However, if I am being honest with myself, I would have to continue by saying just because I don’t get hurt, doesn’t mean I’m not hurting.

The only difference is before I was feeling hurt by others, and now I’m just hurting myself in the process of trying not to be hurt by others. Who knows, I’m sure I’ve hurt others along the way as well. It’s hard though because I don’t want to be hurt and I don’t think what’s-his-face did either. Still, I think in the end we both, in the process of trying to protect ourselves, hurt ourselves more than anyone else ever could’ve. When people don’t stand by their words, I can choose to let it ruin my day, or accept the situation for what it is and move on. On the flip side, when you protect yourself by assuming nobody really cares about you, my only option then is to be miserable until someone defies my expectations.

There’s a part at the end of 1-800-273-8255 by Logic that I’ve always loved. It goes like this:

Pain don't hurt the same, I know
The lane I travel feels alone
But I'm moving 'til my legs give out
And I see my tears melt in the snow
But I don't wanna cry, I don't wanna cry anymore
I wanna feel alive, I don't even wanna die anymore
Oh, I don't wanna
I don't wanna
I don't even wanna die anymore

No one wants to be hurt especially not by others, but I have to wonder if every single person in the world is as shallow and two-faced as the people who have hurt me in the past. I’m 25 years old. I’m not a kid sitting in a classroom with adults telling me I’m not trying hard enough. Also, I know now that I was in fact trying hard, they just didn’t care, and that’s their fault not mine. If someone says they are on my side, but then switches sides the minute it’s convenient for them, that’s their fault, not mine. I don’t need to assume that nobody cares about me to not get hurt. If they really don’t care about me then they sure as hell won’t care that I don’t think they care. It’s scary though, trying to find good people.

Insert break from writing to go get ice cream.

See, I just went and got ice cream and gave this a good long thought. Do I really want to not assume the worst of people? It’s really only hurting me, but it’s not hurting me that bad. I just don’t have faith in people’s words. If I do start going out on a limb to trust people, I feel like I will definitely be setting myself up for failure. I feel like failure would be worse than the vague, hardly noticeable misery I feel now. As far as I know my lack of faith in other people hasn’t hurt anyone yet, so isn’t it just better this way. Hmmm…. Perhaps I would reconsider, if I had someone I felt I could trust and rely on wholeheartedly. However, besides feeling lonely most of the time, I’m doing fine otherwise.

I feel like this wasn’t a good ending. Usually, I’m supposed to learn something through typing these, but today I’ve got nothing. I guess I did learn some things though. I was reminded that it is important to be aware of how my actions affect others. I learned that even though I can’t control what other people do I can control how I let their actions affect me, and if I always assume people don’t actually care about me then I can go back to having no expectations in human relationships and everybody wins. They are free to jagweeds, and I am free to not care because I saw it coming a mile away. Why do I feel like that last sentence is a personal attack against this girl I went to high school with? I think it might have been.

You know, I think my real mistake is expecting more from people. They back down on promises like it’s not a big deal for them, and that’s cool because that just means more time to read fanfiction, play Pokémon go (I got a shiny Articuno today in a raid), and watch RuPaul’s drag race. Who cares if I had been looking forward to going to that restaurant for an entire week? Not them obviously. Who needs other people anyway?……. I do. Dang it. I hate when I’m right. People need other people and all that crap. 

*Sighs in defeat* Which is why I guess…. I’m glad to have a select few that are always trying to make time for me. Whether it’s staying up late to talk about K-pop and life until one of us falls asleep mid-conversation or making time to stop by and hang out in the limited downtime she has available. Sometimes it’s 5-minute facetime here and there because we both have our own lives and have to take whatever we can get. I think the moral is that it’s never fun when you find yourself starting to trust and rely on someone else, especially when my track record with other humans isn’t that great. Sometimes though, you will find that rare person or people who just keep coming through for you when everyone else bails on you. Let me also add that those people are the best!!!!!! I don’t have to raise my expectations in interacting with people, which is good because I don’t want to. It’s always easier to assume everyone is going to let you down until that rare lone human comes along and keeps proving you wrong in the best way. It’s probably not the best way to make friends, and it’s definitely not the most efficient, but it seems to work decently for me so far.

“I don’t get hurt” is right, but the only people who can say that honestly have either already been hurt or are just hurting in a different way. Everyone gets hurt, but it’s up to me to decide how I deal with that hurt. I think the dude in the show dealt with it by sabotaging himself. I think I dealt with it by avoiding it, but it’s always going to be there, and I have to decide whether I’m going to drown in it or overcome it, in whatever way that may be. Right now, I think I’m still trying to figure out which path I’m going to take. I want to overcome it, but it’s scary because I’ve been really hurt by people before, and this might not be the best solution. Still, life is all about doing the best with what I’ve got. This is what I’ve got right now, and I’m doing my best. When I know better, I can do better, but until then I’m just going to have to keep making it up as I go along.

Thank you, guys, so much for reading. I know I usually try to have a better resolution. However, I want my blog to be authentic and honest, and honestly, there’s still a lot I don’t know. What I do know is that I want to be better, and I’m never going to settle with anything in life. This might be where I’m at right now, and I might not love it, but it’s not forever. My only goal for today is to make it better than yesterday; yesterday, I didn’t really care about interpersonal relationships, and today I do… a little bit. It would be nice to not feel so alone all the time and wanting to be better is always the first step. I was watching Big Time Rush the other day and there’s this one part where Carlos is like, “well are we almost halfway there” and Gustavo just yells, “NOOOO!!!!” That’s how I feel about this, but I’ve got the first step down so I’m kind of possibly maybe sort of almost halfway there…… I can work with that. Well, until next time guys…

Sincerely,
LIBD

K-quotes: 30 Seconds

Posted on by Er-Budd

In honor of political correctness, this is part of the k-quotes series, but Amensalism is actually from Taiwan. For the sake of simplicity, I’m just gonna let the title mislead everyone until they read it. Anyway…

Hey guys….. No exclamation points today. How have you been this week? Have you been doing okay lately? I’m doing okay. I’m not happy, but that’s alright, I guess. Sometimes I feel just plain sad, and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean my life is a mess; it just means I’m struggling right now, and I was told that that’s okay too. Sometimes life can seem impossibly hard, and that’s all part of being human. I don’t like it when life is hard though, and sometimes when it’s hard, I become afraid that it will be like this forever. That’s when I read my See U Tomorrow series or other old posts but knowing it’s going to be okay doesn’t make it alright.

Knowing all the answers doesn’t fix the problem. It just makes my shitty week slightly less shitty because I know realistically it will eventually get better. That being said, I also mentioned in my last series how much I hate the word eventually. Honestly, I can only take so much of my own advice before I find said advice to be incredibly annoying. Today I’m just going to be honest. I’m not going to try to give advice one way or another; I’m just going to talk and see where it goes. Now you’re probably thinking, “LIBD, this is a k-quote post; where is the quote??” Fine. Here it is….

“30 seconds. Sometimes, bad things will happen in this world. No matter how hard you try you can’t prevent them. No matter how many times you see it, you’ll still feel hurt. Let yourself be afraid for 30 seconds today.”

Amensalism

Today ago, I talked to my psychiatrist. She kindly reminded me of what I like to call “the right answers” for dealing with my life. But honestly, I was not in the mood for the right answers or any answers, so I will try again tomorrow. Back to the quote, though, it really doesn’t require much explanation. I feel like it is short, sweet, and to the point. How I wish everything was.

The biggest dilemma I face as a Christian is what is commonly referred to as the problem of evil. Why do bad things happen? Why am I struggling so much with life right now? There’s a line in the song Hold My Heart by Tenth Avenue North that says, “if you’re everything you say you are, would you come close and hold my heart.” It’s God! If he’s all-powerful and stuff, why won’t he just fix everything?! That whole song really just says it all. Why are bad things happening? Where exactly is he when it seems like everything is falling apart? One time someone asked me that question, and at bible college, we spent a whole class period on the subject and talked about it, but I don’t think we ever came up with an answer. I just left class that day feeling very sad. So, when I was asked why, if God was real, he would let the bad things happen, my answer was straightforward. I said, “I wish I knew, but it’s on my growing list of questions I’m going to ask him when I get to heaven.”

So, bad things are just a part of life. Yay me. If I was writing an inspirational blog that I could look back on when I’m feeling down, I would probably start talking about how it’s not all bad, and at times like this, you need to count your blessings or some stupid nonsense like that. Here’s the thing though. Today, I don’t want to count my blessings. I don’t want to think about everything I’ve accomplished instead of everything I haven’t. I don’t want to think at all. I want to be sad, scared, and negative because that’s how I feel. I’m tired of trying to convince myself that I shouldn’t be sad when I am. It’s exhausting!!!

30 seconds; that’s all I want. 30 seconds to cry, scream, whine and complain because life IS hard right now, and I AM feeling a little tired and defeated. For 30 seconds, I just want to feel what I feel without trying to decide if those feelings are justified. For 30 seconds, I want to be scared that it will never get better because regardless of the correct answer, that’s how I feel. I want to be terrified that I’ll be single forever and die alone. Because even if it’s not true, that’s how I feel right now. I want to be worried that I’m failing at life right now because even if people tell me that 25 is still young, I feel like I’m running out of time, which terrifies me. 30 seconds……… well, maybe a few minutes, but I just want to feel what I feel.

Just a few minutes to not care about the “right answers” because knowing the rain will stop doesn’t help you if you are stranded outside and don’t have an umbrella. Until it does stop, you are just going to be wet, and at that point, there’s no reason to rush home because you are already soaked. I’ll never forget the look on my counselor’s face when I told her I knew all the “answers.” I do know them, but that doesn’t necessarily mean anything. I just want a few minutes to rest, to accept momentary defeat. Because if there is one thing I have learned from putting together insanely hard puzzles, it’s sometimes best to just give up. Not forever, just for a few minutes.

Sometimes all you really need is a fresh mind. When puzzles make me hate my life, that’s usually when I call it a day. It’ll still be there tomorrow. The impossible pieces that all look the same will still be there to annoy me tomorrow. The only difference is that when I try again with a fresh mind, it doesn’t seem as impossible anymore, and that’s what I do every day until it’s finished. I work on the section that looks the easiest, and I give up for the day when I feel like the puzzle is hopeless. Then when I’m ready and have a fresh mind, the cycle starts again.

It’s pointless to keep putting a puzzle together when I’ve started feeling defeated by it. At that point, I’m not actually doing it because I enjoy it but because I don’t want to be a failure. In the end though, I’m just torturing myself because I’m fighting a losing battle. Maybe in life, like with puzzles, it’s okay to take a few minutes. To acknowledge your situation and your feelings. It’s okay to not be okay. I think the real problem is that I’m not actually trying to deal with my negative emotions and feelings. I just try to talk myself into not feeling them or reason with myself as to why I shouldn’t feel that way.

Maybe I’m not all that okay today, but that’s fine because I can wake up tomorrow with a fresh mind. Even if I only manage to fit a few more pieces into the impossible puzzle that has become my life. Two is better than zero, and tomorrow when I go to bed, I can feel good that something went right even with everything going wrong. Even if it wasn’t a lot, I could say I did something, and I can be proud of that small something. It’s almost 11:30, so I should probably go to sleep if I want to have a fresh mind tomorrow, but I’m going to set a few simple goals first. Tomorrow, I want to wash my face and put on makeup. When I do my final editing, I will let you guys know if I did it or not, but maybe letting you guys know will be the extra push of motivation I need to get it done. Wish me luck and thank you so much for listening today. It really means a lot…. Even if you didn’t really have a choice, I still appreciate it and you. Y’all are the best, and I hope you have a fantastic weekend.

Sincerely,
LIBD

Post editing notes: The day after I wrote this, I washed my face and tried to put on makeup, but I’m still learning, and it looked terrible, so it didn’t stay on for long, but I had a great evening at the barn, which is the highlight of my week so far. Little victories, I guess, but today (the day after the day after) was not too great. I think part of it is being tired from riding lessons the night before, but my friend brought me a s’mores frappe while I was having the worst time at work, so I’m just going to think about that and chill for the rest of the evening. It was a rough day, though, so even though I’m going to try to wash my face tonight (self-care has never been my strong suit), I’m not going to beat myself up if I don’t. Well, I’ll try not to anyway. Baby steps, lol.


#MusicMonday (See U Tomorrow by SF9)

Posted on by Er-Budd

At last! Part 4/4 in my ‘See U Tomorrow’ series. If you read all 4 parts, you rock, and a special shoutout is in order just for you. If you haven’t read all 4 parts well……. Better late than never. Second shoutout to SF9 for being one of my fav K-pop groups. I think it’s been 3 years now (Correct me if I’m wrong, Fantasy, because I feel like I am), and so far, they have not released a single album that I don’t like. I also want to thank everyone who has read any part of this series. I honestly wasn’t sure how it would turn out, but I’m proud of it. I also want to thank everyone who has liked and followed my blog because I’m shallow enough that that is what motivates me to keep writing. Lastly, (I promise I’ll shut up after this), this is the translation I came up with that made the most sense. If you’re looking for super exact and slightly more literal translations, you should look for someone else’s translation. I found a few translations of lyrics on YouTube, but they didn’t make as much sense as I would like, so I used them as a reference, broke out my Korean/English dictionary app, and 5 hours dissecting Korean words and phrases later this is what I ended up with, some spots might be rough translations or minor edits for ease of reading no offense to the original lyrics, especially the English parts they just didn’t make as much sense with everything else in English so if it’s not exact in some places it’s just so it reads better and I do apologize. You can listen to the actual song >>here<< in all of its musical glory, and without further ado, 가자!

My friend, See you tomorrow

[Chorus] See you tomorrow and again
Throw off the darkness (I can do this)
Say ya, ya, ya, ya
See ya, ya, ya, ya
I’ll shout out to you
See you tomorrow

That’s the nice thing about tomorrow; it’s like life is giving you a do-over for the day before. Sure, tomorrow might not be a spectacular day, but hopefully, it will be slightly better than yesterday. The hard part is trying to brush off yesterday’s ‘ugh’; it can be challenging if my previous day was a total shit show. I’ve found that when I treat my tomorrow like a tomorrow and not just a continuation of the day before, it’s easier to have a better attitude about it. At least as good as my attitude gets, but we’re not going to go there right now.

In this messed up life
We just want a (more) better life
You don’t need to cower from the stares of others
You lost your way, but I’ll take you
You’re precious (come with me)

Honestly, that’s all I want. I don’t need my life to be perfect; I just need it to not be so blah sometimes. It’s hard when I’m depressed and feel like my life sucks. It’s rough when it feels like no one is on your side. Sometimes I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do or how to get to where I want to go, but that’s okay. 괜찮아. I think there’s no map or guidebook to life because it would be useless. The map that got someone else all the way to the Grand Canyon might lead me to some sketchy mosquito-infested swamp, and if I thought my life was terrible before then……. ugh.

Endure the sharpest pain
You are an unrefined diamond
It can be uncomfortable, it can be difficult
but I want to tell you
You’re doing alright right (right?)

First, I want to tell you that if you are doing your best, you are already on your way. Life is a long road, and there aren’t many 5-star hotels to stop at along the way when you get tired. One day I was trying (and failing) to put together this puzzle. I was getting super frustrated because some pieces fit in 3 different places, and it was a total nightmare. Finally, I couldn’t take it, and out loud, I just said, “Ugh!!!! I hate my life!” my friend asked me why I kept doing it, and I had one simple yet very resentful answer……. “Because failure builds character!” She gave me a weird look, so let me explain it to you guys. When everything is going wrong, it totally 100% sucks, and I will be first in line to whine about how everything is awful, but that’s how I deal with it; I complain my way through it. When I have those times when I feel totally defeated, it’s teaching me things about life. I may not like it, but I don’t have to. Sometimes it is painful, but like it says in the song, “you are an unrefined diamond.” Diamonds must be cut, sharpened, and polished before they end up in a necklace, ring, or whatever. Although it’s a long and tedious process to go from a rock to a diamond, the finished product is so lovely, sparkly, and expensive that it’s totally worth the trouble.

[pre-chorus part 1] Who says that you’re trash
Get rid of those thoughts (oh)
And who called you a loser
shut them up, stop those lips
and cover your ears (oh)

People are jagweeds. I’ve said it before, and I’m sure I’ll repeat it. It’s not their life; it’s yours, and don’t forget that! If someone has a problem with you, they can go float a goat. Because if they honestly have nothing better to do with their lives than judge others…. Trust me, their lives aren’t going any better than yours.

[pre-chorus part 2]
You’re the superstar of your own life
So believe in yourself
You know you could be the best
[insert chorus]

You do you!! No one can be me like I can, and no one could be you quite like you. The literal translation was, ‘you are the main character in your life, and you are, so make the most of it! I tend to hold back a lot in life, and I shouldn’t. I should be trying to make the most of every day to be the best me, no matter how scary it can be. It reminds me of Newt’s line in Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them; “my philosophy is that worrying means you suffer twice.” Also, I don’t know that it’s going to be awful. I just assume it will be and use that as my excuse not to try. It’s our life, and we should be cheering ourselves on even if no one else is because we are just that awesome!

Waiting for you
Yeah, I’m waiting for you
See u, see u, see u tomorrow
You know what they say is meaningless
You don’t need it
There’s so much more to think about
Instead of vaguely drifting apart
Draw a period and finish it

That last part is a bit rocky, but I tried to make sense of it here. It doesn’t matter what other people say about you. I know it hurts sometimes, but I’ve always felt like if I let them get to me, I’m letting them win. There are many more important things in life, and we don’t need negativity floating around in our heads all day. Sometimes you just got to say, “no more.” I’m speaking from experience when I say that. If all they do is bring you down, then they are not the kind of people you need in your life. This one girl I went to school with was the textbook definition of a jagweed, and finally, one day, I just said no more. She was genuinely mad and put off that I refused to be her friend anymore. It was pretty funny. It’s not always funny, but sometimes we need to say enough is enough.

The past is the past so don’t ask about it
It can’t easily be changed, so just smile
That’s right
Let’s just stop for a bit and laugh comfortably
[insert pre-chorus 1&2 + chorus]

If you’ve read my blog before, you know I have no qualification to talk about letting go of the past. Still, I like the next part, ‘don’t ask about it, don’t ask yourself, don’t ask others. Honestly, I feel we should all unanimously agree to never speak or think of the past again. It’s done, and I can’t change it, so I should look toward the future with a smile. Or at least a smirk. I don’t like smiling; it’s just no good. If you tell me a good joke, I’ll smile on accident, but I don’t like to smile on purpose. I find it annoying. Sometimes we have to take those little moments of happiness or fun times hanging out and laughing with friends and hold on to them. Because on my darkest day, those were what helped me make it through each and every tomorrow.

Everything’s alright
Even if you fall again
You can go a little bit slower
Don’t worry about it
Even if you get hurt
and fall back a little bit

If there’s one thing I’ve learned while struggling with anxiety and depression, it’s that recovery is not onwards and upwards. Sometimes I get back to old habits. Sleeping too much, isolating myself, or listening to music that I probably shouldn’t in my current state of mind, but it’s okay. I’m getting better at dealing with my bad days. Sometimes there are days when I have to say to myself, “I’m sad today, and that’s okay. I will be sad today and try again tomorrow”. That sad day gets better sometimes, I just have to K-drama and nap my way through it, but I’ve learned to be nicer to myself on bad days or even bad weeks. It’s okay to stumble if you are willing to get back up eventually. Like when I fell off my horse, sometimes I just want to lay there in the dirt for a bit, and that’s okay because when I was ready to get up again, I got right back on.

Why do you hide yourself
Why do you do that
Why do you compare yourself to others
I’ll return all of their stares
This is your chance

I sometimes think that I spent so much time trying to be who everyone else thought I should be or wanted me to be that I lost track of who I was as an individual. I like to watch Brad Mondo’s ‘Hairdresser reacts’ videos, and he always tells everyone to live their extra life. I’ve come to realize that it is some rock-solid advice. I cared way too much about what other people thought of me for a long time. Especially when I was at bible college, it was a great experience, and I made a lot of friends, and I learned a lot too, but……… I felt like I was too…. Like I was trying to be the person I thought I was supposed to be, I tried not to be too weird and tried to be super nice and “Christian-y” enough. And when I felt like even after trying so hard, it still wasn’t enough, I just felt terrible because I felt like I was failing but didn’t understand how. I know they weren’t judging me because they were all super supportive and awesome, but I felt I was judging myself for them if that makes sense. Now, I’m learning to “live my extra life” and…… I just don’t care. Maybe I’m too weird, I don’t read my bible enough, or I should seriously consider starting a swear jar, but I’m a work in progress, and this is where I’m at right now. If people don’t like it, they don’t have to be friends with me. Probably also explains why I only have 3 friends, but! Three super awesome friends that I wouldn’t trade for the world! This is your life, and it’s your chance to be the most awesome you that you can be.

Bang Bang
This poisonous world is all the same
If you have your life in order
You’ll be the best

This was a rough translation. Because, let’s be honest, my Korean is sub-par, and the words themselves aren’t super specific. My best guess is that it’s saying you shouldn’t feel like you have to measure up to anyone else in the world. As long as you are living your life to the best of your ability, then you are doing great. I don’t want to live my life how everyone else feels like I should. I want to live my life the way I want and be the best I can be. It doesn’t matter what anyone else says. It’s your life and your journey, and it’s up to you to make the best of it because you deserve the best life possible.

First time it will be
‘Gonna make your mind (I think what he is trying to say is that when that moment finally comes it’s gonna blow your mind, but since those words were in English and I didn’t write the song I don’t really know)
If this is not a dream
I want to say these words to you
Yeah I’ve been waiting for you.
[Insert Chorus]
Waiting for you, yeah
I’m waiting for you
See u, see u, see u tomorrow

Every tomorrow is a new opportunity, and sometimes it will be great. Sometimes it will suck, but that’s okay because there is always tomorrow. Life isn’t always easy, and sometimes it is downright painful, so I want to say this. I have total faith in you; that’s right, I’m talking to you. I have complete confidence that you can do this. No matter how hard it is some days, I believe in you. Celebrate the good days and be kind to yourself on the bad ones. You are amazing, and no one could replace you even if they tried. Even when things seem hopeless, take it one tomorrow at a time. You are so, so, so important in this world and to the people around you, and you deserve the best life that you can possibly have. Thank you again for reading, and until next time……… I’ll See U Tomorrow.

Sincerely,
LIBD

#MusicMonday (Better to be You by David Hawks)

Posted on by Er-Budd

안녕하세요 여러분!! What’s up y’all? So, I‘ve come to terms with the fact that I’m never going to be a plan ahead person. Whenever I try to come up with a blog schedule, I feel like I’m being told what to do, so I don’t want to do it. I’m aware that there are spelling errors, but it is harder to fix them when I don’t have something written ahead of time. If you haven’t guessed by the title and the day of the week, this is a music Monday post, and I am absolutely in love with the K-drama Meow, The Secret Boy’. It’s so adorable and sweet and fluffy, and part of the reason I love it so much is because of this song. It’s not an upbeat song, but it’s perfect for those sad little moments of the show before everything gets all better. Alright focusing…. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. If you want to look up the song, it’s called ‘Better to be You’ by Dave Hawks. 가자!

How do you tell someone you love
That everything about them
Makes you feel like you're not good enough
They’re better in every single way
Or at least in the things of this world that seem to matter anyway

Maybe my self-esteem isn’t as great as I think it is. Whenever my parents talk about my brother or me, they always start with him. I try not to take it personally. I mean, I like to brag about him too sometimes. He started working as a dishwasher in high school, and now all these years later, he’s worked his way up to assistant kitchen manager. He’s got a family (my niece is the best), and they have their own apartment. I can’t deny that it’s impressive, and I know you shouldn’t compare your own life to everyone else’s because “we each have our own special life to live” and all that crap. That being said, “In the things of this world that seem to matter,” I feel like a total loser a lot of time. It’s like how I know I’m smart, but nobody cares about how dinosaurs are related to birds (I can tell you all about that), and that’s how I failed most of my college classes.

[Pre chorus]
There's no one I can go to
There's no one I can turn to
There's nothing I can say
‘Cause it's not your fault

I can’t even be mad at them either! My brother, my real friends, my Facebook friends. I’m sick of being happy for everyone else. Like I’m so glad that your life is going somewhere or that you’re living your dream, but I’m not, I’m sorry. I want to be mad at them, but I can’t because they aren’t doing anything! I’m just bitter and jealous, I guess, because I know I can’t compete.

[Chorus]
You're the source of my insecurities
You're the boy
She will always choose not me
It's a cold and a strange reality
When you can't escape the truth that
In this life
It's better to be you
It’s better to be you

Everyone around me is doing something with their life, and I feel like I’m just screwed. I’ll never be on their level, no matter how hard I try. It’s like in my music Monday that I had a while back for ‘Someone Else’ by The Jellyrox. It said, “I wake up wishing I was someone else, in a different circumstance, with a different set of plans.” I want my life to mean something; I want to do something that makes other people look at me and think, “wow, I can’t compete with that.” I know it’s shallow and selfish, but I don’t care. I just don’t want to feel like everyone is up ahead, and I’m just back here by myself. It sucks feeling like that, so I try not to think about it, but it always haunts me.

I don't want you to meet my friends
Cause if you meet the girl I'm into
That's the end
But she already knows who you are
And I don't want you to be the cause
Of another broken heart
[Insert Pre chorus and chorus]

Leaving romantic relationships out of this, I’ve always felt like the third wheel friend. I hate hanging out in groups because I feel like I’m always the leftover. Even when we picked partners in school, I was always the leftover who got stuck with the other leftovers. I’ve always preferred hanging out 1 on 1 simply because they can’t abandon me to go hang out with someone more fun. Or sometimes, one of my friends will meet another one of my friends, and then they always just want to hang out together without me. Although I guess that was only once, but it only takes one time to start taking it personally. I know I’m fun to hang out with; people tell me that quite often, but for some reason, I’m usually not the first pick when there are other choices.

There's nothing that's wrong with me
There's nothing that I can do
There's nothing I can say to be free from you

I can’t just start ignoring people because I’m tired of thinking about how much better they are at life than me. If I did that, I would have literally no one left to talk to. I’m so tired of everyone else succeeding, getting married, or graduating college. It makes me bitter, and I don’t know what to do about it or how to make the feeling disappear.

So when it comes to me
They’re just not impressed
There's nothing wrong with me
It's just a case of good, better, and best

I know I’m a decent human being. I’m the most reasonable person I know. I may not be the kindest, most intelligent, or most patient, and sometimes I don’t think before I speak. However, I am nothing if not reasonable also; I tell GREAT stories. I know a lot about animals, and I think this is a pretty darn excellent blog I’ve got when I actually get around to posting stuff. Nobody cares about that, though, because none of that matters because I still don’t have my life together. That’s why I don’t get mad when my parents always talk about my brother first. I wouldn’t brag about myself either. I’m good, but I’m not better or best.

You're the source of my insecurities
But I won’t let it get the best of me
It's time that I let go of jealousy
When you can't escape the truth in this life
It's better to be me
It's better to be me
It's better to be me

This reminds me of a quote from one of my favorite K dramas. It says:

“It does seem like everyone lives well except for you, but if you move forward it’s all the same. Even the guys who seem to do well are stressed out behind the scenes.”

Just Between Lovers

Also, the people I’m talking about are the same people who would be first in line to encourage me. To tell me that my life doesn’t have to look like everyone else’s or that I don’t need to compete with anyone. It’s a lot like whenever I compete in barrel racing. I’m not competing because I know I will not win, partly due to a lack of bravery and confidence and partly due to a lack of skill. That being said, it would be lovely to go into a barrel racing competition, actually thinking I could possibly even place. That is where barrel racing is a lot like life. Even if I set a new personal best, I would still not even rank in the top 10, and I know that because last year, I set a new personal best, and I didn’t even make the top 10.

Barrel racing is different than life though; With barrel racing, I’m just in it for the fun of it, and when we get to the obstacle course, THEN I’ll show everyone how it’s done. Maybe that’s what my friends mean when they say my life doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s. Perhaps they’re all barrel racers, and I’m just an obstacle course kind of gal. Still, I can’t help but be jealous of the barrel racers. It’s rough knowing I’ll never be that cool. Mainly because everybody watches the barrel racing, and no one but the select few and the judges even pays attention to the obstacle course. Maybe I should look for those select few and try and compete with them. I am pretty boss level when it comes to the obstacle course. Me and Pippy killed it last year, we completed the gate obstacle (it’s worth the most points, but it’s super hard, so most people don’t bother) 4 times, and we could have kept going. All. Day. Long.

I guess I’m just special, and maybe I need to tackle life like a horse show. Just do your best and don’t land in the dirt; eventually, my time to shine will come, and I’ll show everyone who’s boss, and I’ll get my 3 minutes of success that come so few and far between. Maybe it is better to be me. My brother hates K-pop, and many of my other friends don’t listen to K-pop…. And they don’t ride horses. Wow… That sounds so dreadful…no K-pop AND no horses…. Suddenly I’m less jealous of their lives, lol. Well, that was relatively easy, plus school is so tedious and lame. Would “success” really be worth all the homework?? I think right now I’m good being me. Maybe someday I’ll find out what makes my life so unique, but for now, I’m perfectly content to blog, cuddle with my puppers, and of course, listening to the 3 greatest genres of music; K-pop, punk rock, and alternative. You cannot go wrong with any of those.

감사합니다 to everyone who made it to the end. 진짜요, you guys are the best, I know this one was pretty whiny, and I apologize, but only a little. Until next time I hope you all stay healthy and try not to go too crazy during this self-quarantining ordeal. I’ll try not to go a month without posting anything, but I can’t make promises. I hope this has inspired you at least a little. We are all excellent in our own particular way, even when we don’t feel extraordinary or unique. I hope you guys know that because it’s easy to forget sometimes. Thanks again for reading; hopefully, I’ll see you all soon.

Sincerely,
LIBD

Whatever Tuesday

Posted on by Er-Budd

Hey y’all, it’s been forever, I know. I also know it’s not Wednesday, but it’s close enough, and in typical WW fashion……. It’s my blog, and I’ll do what I want. Also, if I don’t post this right now, you will never see it. I just know it. Moving on…

Alright, first things first. I’m typing this in a word document right now because I just copy-paste it into word press before I post it. Also, I haven’t actually used my laptop since whenever 2 posts ago was…. so, like, forever ago. And now there’s a little arrow next to the blinky cursor thingy (that’s official terminology, by the way). I can’t get it to go away, and it’s super annoying, so if anyone knows how I can make it disappear, please tell me. Never mind…. I fixed it. Also glad for the auto recover feature because I didn’t save this before I got mad and restarted my computer. Also, fun fact, I turned my entire computer into 하국말, so that was fun. I didn’t know I could do that. But. It’s back in English, and the arrow thingy is gone, so it’s all good now.

It was nice though. I was initially writing because sometimes, I randomly just feel sad. I did, but that was pretty funny, so I feel better now. I guess I could stop writing, but I’ll just roll with it since I went to all the trouble of making the arrow disappear. Anywho. Does that ever happen to anyone else? Not the switching languages on your computer, but if you’ve done it too, I would love to hear your story, but I mean the feeling sad thing. Like, you’re sitting there, and it’s all good. Reading fanfiction or watching YouTube videos or foreign tv, and then suddenly you just feel so sad. This is the second time it’s happened this week. I think part of it is because I have really bad laryngitis right now, so I can’t talk to people unless I text or use the robot voice on my phone. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I enjoy talking quite a lot, and it sucks when I can only type and stuff.

I guess it’s another one of those things I’ve always taken for granted and didn’t know how much I loved till I didn’t have it anymore. Also, say a prayer for all my friends and family. I should get my voice back in a few days, and I have a lot I have wanted to say, so it might be a little rough for them. Anyway, I don’t like feeling sad; I was watching ‘Inside out the other day, you know, the Disney movie, and I get sadness is important, but it’s so ewwwww. I feel like it’s worse for people who struggle with depression, or at least it is for me, because every time I feel sad, I start freaking out like, “No! I don’t want to be depressed!” I get sadness is just sadness sometimes, but I don’t like the way it makes me feel.

I’m not saying I’m always happy, but “meh” is a nice feeling. It’s like I don’t have to be happy, but because I’m not happy, that doesn’t mean I’m sad either. Wow, look at me learning all about feelings. I should write a book. That’s totally a joke. I’m okay with my blog. I can do single posts, but a book is like an essay that NEVER ENDS! When a teacher said 2-4 pages in school, all I heard was 1 and a half because that half counts as the second page, and they can’t tell me I’m wrong. I miss school. Not the homework but the learning. I like learning; I just don’t like people talking to me for extended periods.

It’s not even the teaching; it’s how they teach. I’m not smart. That’s why I’m there, so put it in ordinary people’s words. Otherwise, it’s just boring, and then I don’t care. My brain has better things to do, like reciting song lyrics, going through the list of Korean verbs that I can remember off the top of my head, or wondering if glasses would help animals too.

There’s that phrase ‘as blind as a bat,’ but do you ever wonder if maybe bats could see better if they wore glasses? Do animals (like animal animals, not pets) even have vision problems like humans do? Is a bear’s lifespan shortened if it can’t see, or does it just roll with the punches and live its life? As you can see, my brain is very busy and doesn’t have a super long attention span. My typing is so informal and subpar because it keeps things interesting for me.

Also, let’s talk about the Superbowl half-time show; I watched some of it, and I’ve listened to both sides, and all I have to say is that if I could dance like Shakira, then I would. Not in public where people can see it, obviously, but I respect talent when I see it. If anyone needs me, I’ll be watching my family-friendly (most of the time) Korean dramas. Or Chinese dramas. I watched ‘The Untamed’ for the 3rd time, and I am still enjoying it. Not to mention there are quite a few other outstanding Chinese shows I am currently watching, such as ‘Prodigy Healer.’ 2022 Edit: DO NOT watch it! I’m not going to talk about it because it makes me go into a rage, but… UGH. Also, the ‘The Legends.’ 2022 Edit: Totally worth watching. I LOVED it. Another good one is the Mountains and Ocean. Best. C-drama. EVER. Literally, OMG, you need to see it.

Also, I watched Togo. You HAVE to make sure you have tissues when you watch it, though. I thought I could make it, and I was so close then. The last 3 minutes came, and then 10 minutes after it ended, I was still crying, but I had admitted before that all of those k dramas turned me into a sappy wimp. For example, in ‘The Untamed, in the last episode, when Lan Zhan smiles, I got all teary-eyed like, “omg, he’s smiling, and it’s so cute. I love them all.” Great show…. Great. Show. That’s all I’m gonna say.

And once again, for all of you who stuck it out till the end, thank you for sharing this very special whatever Tuesday with me. I know I’m feeling a lot better now. If you also had a crappy day, I hope you’re feeling better. If you’re not, I’m sorry, definitely don’t watch Togo now, but maybe Parks and rec or something upbeat and cheerful like that, and I hope you feel better soon. Also, thank you so much for letting me talk in the only way I can right now, I know my thoughts were all over, but this no-talking thing is killing me.

Next time we talk to someone or say hi, let’s just take a minute to appreciate our incredible voices. Also, if anyone wants to do some research on whether or not glasses would be beneficial to animals, please let me know what you find. I’m not going to lie; I’m probably going to look for myself after I post this just because I can, but maybe you know something I don’t, in which case, feel free to share. That’s such a stupid idea vision impairments aside, bears seem to be doing just fine without glasses. Why did I even bring this up? Alright, now I’m going to go watch parks and rec, and I will see you next time.

K Quotes: Trying

Posted on by Er-Budd

Daejoo: “Saying you’ve done all you can means that you did your best.”
Veronica Park: “No way! That’s just a prettier way of saying that you no longer want to do something. Saying that you did everything for someone… it’s not ‘all that you could’ but doing as much as you can.”

The Secret Life of my Secretary

First of all, the name Veronica Park; if it’s sounds odd it’s because you’re not saying it in her voice which you can listen to here. Believe it or not, by the last episode, she will be one of your favorite characters (also, her ringtone is let it go from frozen, and I laugh every time her phone rings). Moving on to the actual quote… The funniest part is that he was talking about his best friend, saying he did all he could for his friend. However, she thinks he’s referring to their relationship because something always comes up every time, they almost kiss, and he has to go. Then they never actually kiss, and it makes her mad. So, she’s giving him this great advice to tell him he should be more focused on their relationship, spend more time with her, and spend less time trying to help his friend. However, the minute she finishes speaking, he is so inspired by her words (totally missing what she’s trying to say) that he runs off. Again…. to help his friend. She is mad cause this was the third or fourth time they have almost kissed. To be fair, his friend did need his help, but I still felt bad for her since it’s happened so many times, but this post isn’t about dating advice…

Apart from this being a hilarious scene (I love their crazy relationship). It also got me thinking. Sometimes in life, I say, “well, I’ve done all that I can,” and whatever happens has nothing to do with me because I did the best I could. I feel like maybe I did the best I could (at that time), but then perhaps I just gave up. It can be frustrating working so hard with no results. I guess technically, doing all that you could (at the time) would be your best (at the time), but then what? I hate to do pointless things, so whenever something seems too hard, meaningless, or impossible, I tend to give up. Because I did try; I did all that I could, and that’s what we should do, right?

I always strive to do my best, but there shouldn’t be an endpoint if it really is my best. ‘All that you could’ ends with “could,” and as we work toward something, our best will keep improving. Riding horses is one example. When I first started out, I didn’t know anything. I slowly learned more and more and got better and better. But I would never get better if I only did everything I could on that first day. Genuinely trying isn’t doing all I could and then giving up if it doesn’t work out. Trying my best is doing everything that I can so that my best keeps getting better so that one day all of my hard work will be worth it. I’m no longer a young, energetic teenager. My riding is not nearly as good as it once was (also, it’s expensive, and I can’t do it consistently). However, my doctors say horseback riding is good physical therapy to stop muscular dystrophy from worsening. So, I will continue to ride whenever I can. When I do ride, I will continue to try my best until my best is better than it was before.

I want to have that same attitude towards life. It’s really hard sometimes, though. Even when I’m not depressed, I’m also not the most positive person you’ll ever meet. With life, just like with muscular dystrophy, I know other people have it way worse. I probably shouldn’t complain, but I’m so close to normal. It taunts me when I can’t do something that everybody else can. It’s hard to want to keep doing your best when nothing’s happening. I have all these great dreams for my life about how I want to inspire people and make the world a better place. Sometimes I wonder if this blog is even worth keeping up with. Not that I don’t love my 6 readers, but It’s hard to do my best when it feels like what I’m working towards is pointless and unrealistic. Not just with dreams but in life as well. Do I really have to try when there are no results? I feel like I tried so hard with my blog, and now I’m trying so hard to get my life together, but nothing is happening, and I really don’t want to die alone with 20 cats as much as I might joke about it.

I’m not going to stop writing, don’t worry, Lydia. I just wonder if maybe I shouldn’t care so much about stuff. Growing up, I always had this fantasy every year for my birthday. My parents would invite all my friends for a big surprise party where I found out my entire family had chipped in to buy me a horse, so my life didn’t suck after all. You probably guessed that it never happened. No surprise party, no horse, and not even friends for the past 3 birthdays. The saddest part is that even though I’m 24 years old, I still have that fantasy. When Christmas or my birthday rolls around, I wonder if this will be the year, I finally have a horse of my own, even though I know it will never happen.

That’s how I feel about life and my dreams, and I want to learn how to not care. I’m so good at not caring about stuff, but for some reason, every week, I wonder if this will be when my life finally starts to come together or if my blog changes someone’s life. I don’t want to not try because then it will definitely never happen. Still, I’m sick of trying because nothing is happening. How do we do our best when the thing we are fighting for seems hopeless?

I just finished watching ‘The Smile has Left Your Eyes.’ It’s a k-drama, and if you plan on watching it stop reading cause I’m about to ruin it for you. Anyway, it’s a super sad show, but I didn’t cry even once, which was terrific because every other show like that makes me cry my eyes out. Even when both characters died in the end with 3 minutes left(so you knew they weren’t coming back), I didn’t shed a tear. I think it’s because, in hindsight, I saw it coming from a mile away. Something in the back of my mind told me it wouldn’t end well, and I was prepared. I mean, it was a good ending, all things considered. I thought for a second that he would survive, and they would all live happily ever after. Deep down, I already knew what I was getting myself into. It seemed so promising, and then they both died, and I was so shocked, but I suddenly realized that I saw that coming from a mile away.

I think that’s how we have to tackle doing our best by simply doing our best (if that makes any sense). Deep down, I know it will all work out even though it seems hopeless now (which is the opposite of that plot). Maybe 30 years from now (eww, I’ll be so old), my blog will have the same 6 followers (I’ll repeat it, y’all are the best), and maybe it won’t mean anything to anyone, but it will mean something to me. I started this blog to convince myself and others that it would be okay. Even if I can’t convince anyone else, I think I’m finally at least starting to convince myself. Maybe 5 years from now, I still won’t be living in my own house with my future husband (who may or may not vaguely resemble the super awesome ninja dude from ‘The Lost Tomb.’ Probably not, but a girl can dream. I’m sure I’ll have my license and a car by then, which would be nice too. Maybe I’ll never have my own horse or 1k followers on my blog’s Facebook page, but it’s still a nice thought, and just like with my future husband, there is nothing wrong with wishful thinking.

Also, I finally did finish the last episode of ‘The Lost Tomb 2’. I’m still not entirely sure what happened in those 40 episodes, but they better start giving us some answers in season three. I’m going to lose my mind, but I’ll talk more about that in another post because, believe me, I have PLENTY to say about it.

Anyway, until next time, try your best, don’t give up, and hang in there, and I’ll hang there too. Thank you so much for reading. It really does mean a lot that you’ve taken time out of your day to read all this. I’ll try to keep posting, but I’ve been sick, so I haven’t had a ton of extra energy, but I’ll try since that’s what this whole post is about.

Sincerely,
LIBD