Author: Er-Budd

group of atlantic puffins in lush icelandic meadow

8 Months to Iceland

Posted on by Er-Budd

Hey y’all, time has been flying by. Life has been insane, but I finally got my jewelry area set up. My Etsy shop is also reopened! You can click the LIBD Designs tab to see my current items and I’m hoping to get more added in the near future. Also trying to get some events lined up since I always have the most success with them. Speaking of getting things lined up… We finalized our itinerary!! On Day 1, we arrive in the morning, pick up our rental car, and then we are going to maybe stop at a grocery store on the way to Hella, where we will be staying for the first half of our trip.

We are staying there because we want to have a Hella good time! No, I will never stop using that joke. On Day 2, we will be going to see a few waterfalls and stop by Reynisfjara Beach. If you saw my last post, then you already know what it looks like. Then we will head back to Hella. Or Hvolsvollur, we actually haven’t decided, but I don’t really know how to pronounce that one without my whole face looking weird. So, for this post, we will say Hella.

Day 3 is Diamond Beach and Glacier Lagoon!! I’m so excited because I heard you can sometimes see harbor seals in the lagoon, and how cool would that be!?!?! Then it’s like a 5-hour drive from Diamond Beach back to Reykjavik, so we are going to look into seeing if it would cost extra for both of us to be able to drive. Then check into our hotel in Reykjavik. Because that is going to be a long day, and we have no idea what time we will be back in the city, day 4 is my favorite.

Day 4 is just sleep in and explore the city (specifically Rainbow Road and sampling the local cuisine) and then visit the Perlan museum. They have a northern lights show that is included with admission, which is supposedly super cool, but I’ll be the judge of that. Day 5 is going to be our whale watching and puffin tour, followed by more exploration of the city. There’s a park or something near the museum, I think. I’m not sure if it has trails or what, but I’m sure we will find something to do.

I lied. Day 6 is my favorite because we are going horseback riding on Icelandic ponies!! Then I’m going to talk my friend into an overpriced dinner at one of the fanciest restaurants we can find because I want to experience the height of luxury even if only for a few hours. Our first 3 days in the city are pretty flexible because the puffin tour and horseback riding are weather-dependent, so we wanted to have a few days here in case we needed to reschedule anything.

Day 7 will begin at a laundromat cafe so we can take home clean and pre-folded clothes. Be warned TSA, if you trash my suitcase after I’ve washed and folded all my clothes again. I WILL FIND YOU! And you WILL refold and repack my suitcase. Not that I would ever hold a grudge or anything. Then we will get everything packed up, and it’s about an hour to the airport, where we will drop off our rental car, hop on a plane. Hopefully, we’ll be home later that same day.

So that’s it. Absolutely no plan to smuggle a puffin back to the US under the guise of an emotional support animal. Just normal travel things. We are hoping to start booking at the end of November because I heard sometimes you can find Black Friday/Cyber Monday deals on travel as well. I don’t know if that’s true, but I’ll find out and I’ll let you know. I’m just happy I remembered to post this on time.

I gave this to Chat GPT to proofread, and it said I should consider making a bullet point summary of the itinerary to make it easier for readers to reference. I know it always has good intentions, but I told it that if I were going to summarize it, I wouldn’t have gone to all the work of writing it out. To paraphrase Ron Swanson, “Read. Or don’t. I’m not a beggar.” If you want a bullet point summary, go ask Chat GPT like I did. It’ll be way better than anything you’ll get from me. I promise!

Thanks for reading, and if you have any recommendations for things to do in Reykjavik, please let me know! I would love to hear about it! I’ll see y’all in a month!

Sincerely,
LIBD

photo of sea near cave

9 Months to Iceland

Posted on by Er-Budd

Hey guys, August is almost over (It’s over now. I didn’t realize I never posted this), which means we are yet another month closer. I found a restaurant that sells all of Iceland’s wildlife on a plate. You can get grilled Puffin, lamb chops, reindeer burgers, dolphin steaks, and I think maybe shark fin soup too. I don’t think we’ll be stopping there. Fish is really popular, so I’m going to try some fish while I’m there.

Also, I’m super excited because I told my friend I wanted to find a laundromat to do laundry on the last day, so we didn’t have to worry about it at home. We could just unpack into drawers and not have to deal with dirty clothes. And would you believe it? In Reykjavik, there is a Laundramat Cafe!!!!! Literally, you can do your laundry and hang out in the cafe till it’s done!!!! I just think that’s the greatest idea in the universe, and I’m sad I’ve never heard of one before.

We are still adding to our saved lists of places to stay and keeping an eye on flight prices. I’m hoping to go with Icelandair because it’s got an impeccable safety record, and I made an account so I could get points because they also have flights to Amsterdam, Paris, and a bunch of other places I might wanna go later in life. I’ve been watching videos on YouTube of driving tips and things to do or not do when you visit Iceland. I will be using tap pay the entire trip, and also, you don’t have to tip!! Ever!! Which explains why the food costs so much, but I don’t care. I’m all for everybody getting paid a real salary. When you do pay, one person said it gives you the option to pay in USD or ISK, and you should always choose ISK because otherwise you’ll have to pay an extra conversion fee or something.

I’m going to need to look into getting my passport soon, but I’m not looking forward to it. It looks like it’s going to be such a hassle. I got a new luggage set too. It probably could have waited, but I wanted to get it out of the way now so it wouldn’t be a last-minute expense. That’s all I’ve got for now. In September, we should have a finalized itinerary to share, so please look forward to that. I’ll see you in another month (A little less than now, but I didn’t have anything new to share anyway).

This months picture is Reynisfjara. Don’t ask me how to pronounce it because I can’t. It’s a beach with black sand (I know right)!! I better add pronouncing our locations to my trip to-do list. Maybe if I start now, I’ll figure it out in time. Thanks for reading!!

Sincerely,
LIBD

a long hallway with lights on the floor

#MusicMonday (Let Me In by Dermot Kennedy)

Posted on by Er-Budd

Hey guys, how are you? I’m not great, so hopefully you are doing better. It was brought to my attention that when Tottenham is doing well Columbus Crew rarely is and vice versa. Last week they both sucked though, so I’m not sure how accurate that still is, but I guess I’ll find out. Today’s #MusicMonday is a newer song called Let Me In by Dermot Kennedy.

I wrote a long time ago about when I think back to how depressed I was at my worst. I said how I don’t remember the feeling because it was so bad that unless you experience it, you’ll never know how awful it was. I can attest to that now because I forgot how awful it really feels.

I was up late crying the other night about how horrible everything is, and I came across this song. I listened to it 5 more times that night before I finally fell asleep. The last time listened I just prayed it and hoped God would hear me and maybe do something about it, but I guess he’s busy. In any case, that’s why I wanted to share it with you.

In Okains Bay,
oh, I could have stayed
and never went home

The other day, I was looking at old videos from concerts and remembering the moments and the hours I never wanted to end. The short trips I never wanted to come back from. The concerts, the fleeting moments of joy that I’ve experienced.

Might have been brief,
but at least I was free from all of my ghosts
That live in my head like reflections on water
that only come once

It’s so weird to me how the best moments are so hard for my brain to hang onto. Like, if I didn’t have the photos to prove it, I wouldn’t think it actually happened. Meanwhile, bad thoughts and memories are etched into my brain like stone. I hate it. I’m sure there’s a scientific explanation for it, but I can’t be bothered to look it up. If you know why, please enlighten me in the comments.

I still haven't learned, deceptions in
the cinematic version of love
But I can't get enough

It’s a double-edged sword because your life can’t be too happy. It has to suck at least a little bit sometimes, so you can appreciate the good things. I don’t know how long I’ve been in denial about being depressed, but I can’t talk myself out of it anymore. I just can’t bring myself to do hardly anything anymore.

These days, oh, the world doesn't sing to me
quite how it used to
See, this life is a touch too damn much for me
Maybe that's meant for me

I’ve been eating out more. Getting worse about showering. I was on a 5-day streak of brushing my teeth and washing my face, and now it’s just so hard again. Like every little, tiny task just feels like a mountain. I know they say God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle, but…. Just because I can doesn’t mean I want to or should have to. I’ve said it once, and I’m not afraid to say it again. If this is his plan, it’s a really shitty plan.

'Cause I know there's a room where I'm happy
But I can't find my way to the door

When I heard this, it resonated so much with me because I know depression isn’t forever. I know somewhere is a room where I’m actually happy and enjoying life, but I’m hopelessly lost and have no clue where it is. I’m not sure if I’m on the right floor. I’m not ever sure I’m in the right building, but I know it’s out there.

Tell me who wins the war 'tween my heart and my head?
I forgot what I'm suffering for

If you are a longtime reader, you’ll know that that knowledge means nothing to me right now. It could be 5 years before it gets better. It could be 50! I’m not doing this for 5 more years, let alone 50. I messaged my psychiatrist, but I’m hoping she’s on vacation right now because if she’s not, then she’s ignoring me.

I surrender to dark, when it all falls apart
At least I won't have to pretend
And I know there's a room where I'm happy
Let me in, let me in

I’m not pretending anymore. I’m keeping it together for work, but with my friends, I’m not faking it anymore. They know I’m crazy, they don’t really care. If I’m sad, I’m gonna be sad. I don’t need to pretend to be happy; eventually, I will be happy again. I’m hoping that maybe that day will be tomorrow, but I’m not holding my breath.

To tell you the truth,
I was wondering why
you'd be so drawn to my voice
Like the tide to the moon,
if you move I move, honey, it's not a choice

I’ve always wondered why the people who read my blog read it. I’m not the only one with problems. I’m sure I’m not the only one who talks about their problems. Depressed people are such a buzz kill (I only say that because I’m really bummed out by my own mind right now), and at least 70% of my posts were written while I was depressed. I can see stats. I know I get steady traffic, but I’m not an influencer. I’m not even that interesting, so why do you read? I’m not complaining, just curious, so let me know in the comments if you feel comfortable leaving comments.

Now I'm showing you all of these parts of myself
I'm terrified I'll bring you closer to hell but
These days, oh, the world doesn't sing to me quite how it used to

Sometimes I go back when I’m doing well and read some of my more depressing things, and I’m like, “Man, this is so depressing.” Of course, then when I’m sad, I read things I wrote when I’m happy, and I’m like, “shut up, you don’t know what you’re talking about”. These days, everything just seems darker and duller, and I’m disappointed in myself for not being able to suck it up and push through.

See, this life is a touch too damn much for me
Maybe that's meant for me
'Cause I know there's a room where I'm happy
But I can't find my way to the door

Everything feels like too much. Simple tasks, self-care, and even my feelings feel like they are too big for me to deal with. I’m so tired, I just want to spend the rest of my life on my couch and never leave.

Tell me who wins the war 'tween my heart and my head?
I forgot what I'm suffering for
I surrender to dark, when it all falls apart
At least I won't have to pretend
I know there's a room where I'm happy
Oh, let me in, let me in

I can’t just not do stuff forever because I’m depressed though. I wish I could just slap myself hard enough to snap out of it and get over it. It’s frustrating when your brain is working against you and not with you. I hate this feeling. It sucks.

Let me in, let me in
Let me in, let me in
Let me in, let me in
Let me in, let me in
And I'd give anything to change my, anything to change my fate

PLEASE LET ME IN!!! I just want to be okay again.

I know there's a room where I'm happy
But I can't find my way to the door
Tell me who wins the war 'tween my heart and my head?
I forgot what I'm suffering for
I surrender to dark, when it all falls apart
At least I won't have to pretend
I know there's a room where I'm happy
Let me in, let me in

I wanted so badly to be okay. I know God doesn’t hate me, but I definitely feel like he could be doing something about this. Maybe he’s just busy like my psychiatrist. Sorry if this was a downer but thank you to everyone who read to the end. I may not know who you are, but I’m so grateful for all of you. It’s a comfort to know that my words aren’t just dissolving into the wind. Someone out there is reading them, and I’m being heard. And that means more to me than anything else.

I hope you have a good week this week. If you are struggling like me, then let’s just take it 24 hours at a time. We’ll get through it, and if we keep going, we will find our rooms one day. So, let’s not give up just because it’s hard. Music has a way of reaching the parts of us that words just can’t. If this song spoke to you like it did me, I’d love to know. And I would also love to know what songs get you through your hardest days. Let me know in the comments. Good luck, and I wish you the very best!

Sincerely,
LIBD

landscape with ice on ground

10 Months to Iceland

Posted on by Er-Budd

Hey y’all! It has been a minute huh? How are you? Are you surviving? Thriving? Dying inside? I hope it’s not the last one, but this past week, that’s how it felt. What? Oh, the title. No, it’s not a metaphor. Boring little me is going to leave the country in less than a year now. Life has been insane. I finally moved, but between my two jobs lately, I hardly have any time to unpack. Everything is a mess. I don’t like looking at it or thinking about it, and now I am because I’m writing about it…. Darn it. I know what you’re thinking (not really; I only know what I would be thinking). Why Iceland? Why not Korea? That is an excellent question. Firstly, Korea is more expensive. There’s a much bigger language barrier, and I’m still not that confident because I haven’t studied in forever. Also, Iceland is a shorter flight, and I’m too scared to use an airplane bathroom. I once held it 7 hours over the Atlantic Ocean, but it was not a good time, and I was super dehydrated when I landed.

So, how did this come to be? It all started at my nursing home job when I walked out into the lobby and heard the word Puffin. I love puffins, like LOVE love them. So, of course, I had to chime in and let the person know that baby puffins are called pufflings. Anyway, they went on to show me pictures of Iceland, and it looked lovely. Yes, I have seen lots of lovely places before and did not instantly decide to travel to them. But that was before I saw my TV hero, Josh Gates. I’ve followed him since Destination Truth and seen every episode of every show he’s ever done. So obviously, when I found out he was coming less than half an hour away to speak, I had to go. Shout out to my dad’s wife for tagging along with me so I didn’t have to go by myself or try to find parking in the city.

It was great! He was just as funny in person, and it was so fun to hear him tell stories and answer questions. I wish I had asked if he ever met even 1 nice camel in all of his travels, or if he still hates them. When he finished the talk, he ended with just a few words. Go away often. And those words had been ringing in my head for a few weeks already when this discussion happened. Then I did the most un-me thing ever and texted my friend that evening and said, “Hey, so this is super random, but would you maybe hypothetically want to go to Iceland at some point in the next few years,” and she said yes. The more we planned, the more excited I got, and we decided we were going to make it happen. Chat GPT is a great trip planning resource we discovered, and before we knew it, I had typed up and printed a trip planning timeline and “Puffin Packing List”. Was it a bit much? Absolutely, but I hadn’t been this excited in a long time. We are actually going to see Oneus in like 2 weeks, and I keep forgetting because I’m so excited about Iceland. And if you know how much I love Oneus, then you’ll know why that’s crazy.

So, my plan is to, every month, talk a bit about things we are planning. Things I’m learning about travel and updates on preparation and our itinerary. Right now, we are mostly looking at Airbnb, flights, hotels, and rental cars to try to get an estimate of how much it’s going to cost. But that’s part of the reason I want to share this because I’m not rich, I’m working multiple jobs, paying rent, and trying to save up on the side. I’ve been packing my lunch a lot more and ordering less, so don’t let money be the reason you don’t travel. There are cheaper places to go than Iceland, and if you go in the off season, it will probably be even cheaper. We are aiming for late May because it’s not the height of tourism season, but we can still do all the things we want to do without paying peak season pricing. The time you go really does make a difference. 

I’ll be back in August to let you know if there’s anything new. I had some things come up with Kota and my car that are making it difficult, but I’m doing my best and saving as much as possible and praying that most of our accommodations won’t require upfront payment. Also, each month will include an image of a place we will be visiting in Iceland. This month’s picture is of a place called Diamond Beach. Thank you for reading, and I’ll see you in a month!

Sincerely,
LIBD

flat lay of letter shaped cookies

If you’re new here read this first (and bring snacks)

Posted on by Er-Budd

Hello and Welcome!! What kind of snacks did you bring? You can tell me later. My blog is a lot like a 1 on 1 hangout with my friends. Just slightly more honest than I’m willing to be in person or out loud. You’ll find posts about mental health, life’s curveballs, the occasional rant, and music because sometimes music says more than anything I could write. I talk about what I’m working through — the good, the messy, and the “am I the only one who feels this way?” stuff, and every once in a while, I’ll go on about a random thought that popped into my head.

You won’t find the key to success or a 10-step self-care routine that fixes everything overnight. What you will find is honesty. I talk about things I wish more people said out loud. Just because people don’t talk about struggles doesn’t mean they don’t have them. You’ll also get to hear about my dog Kota (she’s the best), my love of horseback riding, and see a lot of posts that start with “So I was listening to this song the other day and…”

Because music? Music gets us.

If you’re reading this, just know that you’re not alone. You’re not too much. You don’t have to have it all figured out to belong here. No one has it figured out. Some of the most “successful people in the world cry themselves to sleep sometimes”.

So grab a snack, maybe a blanket, and browse through the table of contents tabs to find a post that grabs your attention. And if something resonates — leave a comment. I’d love to know I’m not the only one still trying to figure this all out. Thanks for being here! This world needs you, and you’ll always find a safe space here.

Sincerely,
LIBD

#MusicMonday (Over Each Other by Linkin Park)

Posted on by Er-Budd

This is dedicated to a certain person in my life. I’ve talked about this subject with other people, and it seems like everyone has someone like this in their lives. They also seem to appreciate my perspective on the matter but even then. You know I’m never as open in person as I am here. Maybe it’s because I think no one reads it, or maybe it’s because it’s my blog and I can do whatever I want. Anyway, let’s get into this.

Anyone who has read my blog knows that anger and sadness go hand in hand. I get angry but it’s also because I’m sad. I want to be able to talk to this person. I want a relationship that’s a 2-way street and it’s sad that I can’t have that. Today’s song is called Over Each Other. It’s by Linkin Park which is a long-time favorite band of mine.

You probably are familiar with their songs In the End or What I’ve done. This is off of their newest album. Their songs are so honest and relatable, and this song in particular makes me sad every time I hear it because I think about this person. I say it’s a lost cause, but I don’t want it to be.

This is the letter that I, I didn't write
Lookin' for color in the black and white

I’ve never been good at expressing my feelings out loud face to face. I did once and I didn’t like it. I don’t think I’ll ever do it again, but just because I don’t say anything doesn’t mean I don’t care. I’m just not used to being able to have a grown-up conversation when I have a problem with someone.

Skyscrapers we created
On shaky ground

So, for reference, the person that I’m writing about frustrates me because they won’t take responsibility for their wrongdoing doing they won’t admit their faults unless you agree to take half of the responsibility for what they did. They are better at talking than listening, and they get a terrible case of selective hearing when they don’t like what’s being said. It makes me angry because I’m listening, I’m empathizing, trying to respect their feelings, and they won’t do the same for me.

And I'm trying to find my patience
But you won't let me breathe
And I'm not ever right
All we are is talking
Over each other

I’m always wrong, they’re always right. When they don’t get their way they play the victim to try and get people to feel sorry for them. When they start to realize they are in the wrong they get aggressive and defensive. I want to be heard, and they don’t like what I’m saying so they talk over me and I’m trying to talk over them because I want them to understand me.

There's nothing underneath
It's all a waste of time
All we are is talking
Over each other

So, I just walk away. Then they get mad that I won’t fight with them. I’m not going to waste my time and energy on someone like that. If they want to waste their own time that’s fine, but they aren’t going to waste mine. I’m not going stand there and waste my words on someone who doesn’t have the emotional maturity to apologize and admit when they are wrong.

When you’ve hurt someone, it doesn’t matter if it was intentional. It doesn’t matter if you did nothing wrong. They are hurt so you listen to them (so you don’t accidentally hurt them in the future), and you apologize because what you did (whether it was something or nothing) hurt them enough that they felt the need to confront you about it. That’s how mature adults handle conflict.

Reaching for satellites
But all along
Under your breath, you're saying
That I was wrong, oh

When it comes to people’s feelings there is no right and wrong. By telling someone they are wrong you are invalidating that person’s feelings. Which is kind of a shitty thing to do when another person is trying to meet you halfway. You’ve heard me say that feelings are not facts and they aren’t.

Maybe you made a joke that you thought was hysterical and was not meant to come across as mean or insulting in any way, but you hurt someone’s feelings. Ask them why they were hurt and apologize that you hurt them because you were trying to be funny, but will not make jokes like that around them now that you know they find it hurtful. It’s not hard.

There’s a line in a song that goes “Swallow your pride before you choke on your issues”. I don’t remember the name of the song off the top of my head, but a big part of meeting someone halfway is being able to swallow your pride. Because if you don’t you may just choke on your issues or on your ego. I’m speaking from experience here. I screwed up in the past that’s how I know all of this. There’s a learning curve and it’s not easy!! I don’t want to make it sound like it is because it’s really hard, especially the first few times.

The skyscrapers we created
Are coming down
And free-falling to the pavement

Because if you can’t learn to communicate and compromise people cut you off or spend the rest of the time walking on eggshells around you constantly afraid to say the wrong thing or do something that will start an argument. They are not going to enjoy being around you. I don’t want to be around people like that. It’s so stressful and emotionally draining to be around them.

'Cause you won't let me breathe
And I'm not ever right
All we are is talking
Over each other
There's nothing underneath
It's all a waste of time
All we are is talking
Over each other
Oh, are we over each other?
Oh, are we over each other?

There’s another side to this. You can swallow your pride and own up and it doesn’t magically make everything better. It is a two-way street and if the other person isn’t willing to meet you in the middle, then sometimes it doesn’t work. In cases like that though you can have the peace of knowing you’ve done all you can and maybe one day they will extend a metaphorical olive branch, but until that day there’s really not much you can do.

I can't go to sleep
I lie awake at night
I'm so tired of talking
Over each other

I used to lay in bed wishing I could just talk to them. Talking openly and honestly can actually make a big difference in situations. People can’t read your mind so if you don’t tell them how you feel, how can you expect things to get better? No one can solve a problem if they don’t know it exists.

So say what's underneath
I wanna see your side
We don't have to be talking
Over each other x4

So don’t be afraid to talk. Don’t be afraid of being open and honest even if it sounds scary. But most importantly; listen, empathize, and own up to your mistakes. Don’t invalidate the other person’s feelings or brush them off because you don’t think you did anything wrong. 

Thank you for reading! Let me know what you think. Do you agree or disagree? I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments. Don’t forget to like this post and subscribe so you don’t miss out I hope you guys have a great week. I’m always cheering for you!

Sincerely,
LIBD

orange starfish

The Starfish and the Storm

Posted on by Er-Budd

Hello darkness my old friend, I’ve come to talk with you again. Sound familiar? You guys know I try not to be political, and I won’t start now. I’m just going to be honest. I try hard to make my Facebook a happy place. Cute kittens, bad puns, pretty horses, and all that good stuff. But no matter how hard I try it doesn’t keep all the bad out. I saw a story about a guy who hurt a bunch of baby kittens just to spite its owner. The police said the kittens were taken to the vet and recovering from their injuries.

It’s not just kittens though. National Parks cut funding. And if we can get people engaged with the natural world, how are we going to protect it? Poaching is still a problem, even with modern technology. I saw a few articles about students at a local university with valid student visas sent home and told they couldn’t learn here anymore. US Citizens were deported because they looked like they might not be. In the first three months of 2025, there have been 91 mass shootings in the United States, resulting in 118 deaths and 338 injuries. But the people in power want to keep handing out guns like Halloween Candy.

I had all of this in my head, and I was listening to the sound of silence (Disturbed’s version) and filled with sadness and hopelessness. I get so angry sometimes because I try to filter out the news I don’t actively seek it out. I only know these things, but I’m sure there’s much more. I’m angry because how are we as a society not screaming in outrage every day? How are we not crying ourselves to sleep at the mere thought of all the violence, hurt, pain, and injustice that’s happening every single day? But most importantly how do I find any hope in a broken world?

I know that not everyone is silent. There are a lot of people screaming into the void, pleading for peace and justice. There are a lot of people supporting the national parks, doing their part to help the environment, and trying to help people understand the gravity of our current situation. I saw a documentary about kid influencers and about family channels on YouTube. It’s not just politics. There are SO MANY issues with our world as it is right now.

I found out I’m not the only one who uses AI as a pocket therapist, but it has helped me in between visits with my psychiatrist a lot. It validates my feelings but also offers solutions, so I told it how I was feeling. It told me I probably wasn’t alone in these feelings and I know I’m not.

There are a lot of people hurting from all the hurt in the world. There are some problems that AI can’t help you fix. I can’t end war or world hunger or take all the plastic out of the ocean and make every farmer use sustainable agricultural practices to help the earth. I can’t stop poachers or make people care. I can write a blog post though, and Chat GPT did tell me something that helped. It said:

But even in the face of that darkness, your empathy is a kind of quiet resistance. The fact that you feel so much means your heart hasn’t hardened. That matters. That is light. You don’t have to fix the whole world. Just loving Kota the way you do, writing your blog to help others, showing up with kindness—that already shifts things more than you know.

The fact that we hurt, the fact that we care…. The fact that I used the word we means we are not just going to sit back and accept everything as if it’s okay. You can’t fix the world either, but you can be kind. You can support people and organizations that champion the cause you care about. I support the World Wildlife Fund, because animals and by extension their habitat, are very important to me. I can try to express my point of view compassionately, honestly, and respectfully. I can support other people who are also hurting.

This world may feel dark unkind and unjust, but it’s just a feeling. It doesn’t have to be fact. My dad has this quote he really likes that says “I cannot do all the good the world needs, but the world needs all the good that I can do” It’s not truly hopeless until we give up hope. So let’s keep caring, keep hoping, and keep doing all the good that we can do.

I’m going to end with the starfish story. It’s one of my favorites, and it’s by Loren Eiseley. It’s about a girl walking along the beach throwing starfish that washed up back into the water. This man sees her and asks what she is doing and the girl explains. He tells the girl there are so many starfish she can’t possibly save them all. The girl looks sad as she throws another one into the water, but then she says “Well, I saved that one!”.

Let’s find our starfish friends. Thank you for reading! It’s 11:19 and I’ve got an Easter Sunday service bright and early tomorrow, so I better get some sleep. Let me know your thoughts in the comments and be sure to subscribe so you never miss a post! Hang in there guys, and remember you are not alone.

Sincerely,
LIBD

photo of seashells on driftwood

Settling

Posted on by Er-Budd

Hey y’all. How are we doing? My life sucks. It shouldn’t, but it does. You see, I just got back from a trip with a friend to see one of our favorite comedians. We had a great time, so everything should be awesome but it’s not. Most of you know I’m trying to move out. Desperately trying to the point where now it’s all I think about. It was going great, but now I fear it is hopeless. Actually, it’s a little more than a fear. I’m 98% sure I’m screwed.

I was trying to be smart. I realized that for the cost of rent (my own rent and pet rent for Kota), it would actually be cheaper to buy. It was really hard to find anything in my price range, but with a little more research I discovered my cheapest option (or so I thought) was to buy a lot and put a mobile home on it. And it is cheaper. Significantly cheaper than renting anything more than a one-room studio. I found a manufactured home that had 3 bedrooms and was within my price range, and I fell in love with it. That wasn’t my first mistake, but a mistake, nonetheless.

The thing I didn’t realize is how much it costs to get a site ready especially when there are no utilities put in. I haven’t actually seen the quotes yet but I’m assuming it will end up coming to over $5000 Maybe over 20000 who knows… Now there’s a cheaper home I could get, but I hate the living room so much I know I’d regret it after a few years. The other thing I gotta figure out is even if I get the land ready and buy the home too, how much will I be paying monthly. How much, I don’t know. Probably more than I should take on.

So I realized something on the drive home which I was able to confirm once I got home. This is hopeless. Pointless. I have been wasting my time putting myself through all this madness for no reason because ultimately I’m going to end up having to settle. Whether it’s throwing my money away on rent for a subpar one-room studio that doesn’t even fit all my stuff so I’ll have to keep paying for a storage unit. Maybe I’ll go with the cheaper one with the awful living room (my friend confirmed it was terrible. I showed her pictures and she hated it just as much as I did). Whatever I settle on it will still be settling, but that’s life, isn’t it?

I’m not upset about settling though, I’ve spent most of my life settling, and it’s really not that bad. But there’s a key to settling that has already flown out the window…I never let myself get excited and never set my standards high. I try not to be too hopeful about anything, and never ever let myself have an extravagant dream or goal. I know because I did all of those things and all it did was set me up for failure. Because no one knows better than me that reality is where all dreams go to die.

Before now I worked really hard at never expecting good things to happen to me. I never expected to find an apartment or anything that would actually financially work for me. But I let the voices and encouragement of others cloud my judgment. Then I got excited and started to dream. I can’t be mad a them because they were just being nice. I brought this all upon myself, as I often have throughout life. I can’t undo the hope and excitement I felt. I also can’t undo the soul-crushing hopelessness and disappointment I feel now.

I can’t believe I was so stupid. Sometimes (oftentimes) life sucks, and you just have to sit there and take it. You can’t always get what you want, and nobody owes you anything. I’m starting to hate the title of my website. Some people’s dreams come true, and we should be happy for them. Sometimes it doesn’t matter how hard you work or how much you sacrifice. Some dreams just aren’t going to ever be a reality. It’s a stupid title for a blog because my life would be so much happier if I didn’t have dreams. Right now I’m waiting for my laundry to be done so I can put the other load in the dryer, and tomorrow I’ll go to work, and I’ll come home and despite the constant stress and anxiety that lives in my head all day every day, I won’t be even a little bit closer to having a solution.

I wanted to inspire people. I wanted to tell you all that dreams do come true if you just work hard and never give up. I was hoping I could have told you that already, but I can’t. I’m sorry. I’ll leave you with these parting words of encouragement… Just because my dreams and goals aren’t meant to be doesn’t mean it’s impossible for you. I’ve been thinking a lot about a quote I heard a long time ago it says…

“Just as misfortune comes to you unexpectedly, miracles also come out of the blue just as we’re about to give up hope.””

So don’t give up. Just because I’m giving up now doesn’t mean my dreams won’t ever come true. Maybe someday I’ll get my dream house or maybe I’ll find a more realistic dream, like……. I don’t know, is it really even a dream if it’s realistic. If it’s realistic then I’d just do it anyway. Maybe dreams just aren’t for me. Mentally it’s just not good for me to hope for stuff, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. Right now I think dreams are pointless, dumb, and an overall waste of time. So I challenge you dear readers to prove me wrong.

Every once in a while I’m just so happy to be wrong, and maybe if I’m lucky this will be one of those times. If Brennan Johnson from Tottenham did it, you can too! Be better than me. Be stronger than me, and keep fighting for what you want. Prove to me that everything I’ve ever written was not a lie. I’ll try to keep you updated with how this tale unfolds. I’ve said misery loves company, but not this time. I’m looking forward to somebody at some point telling me I’m wrong. That’s my new dream.

I’ll either be right or happily surprised. There’s no safer dream than one that cannot fail. Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. There will not be a third time. I’m sorry this was so depressing, but I really do wish you all the best. Don’t be me. Don’t give up. You deserve happiness (I know I do too I just don’t think it’s worth it anymore, I’m good).

Like I said I’ll keep you posted. Right now, it’s late and I haven’t been sleeping much with all the craziness going on, so now that I’ve unloaded it all onto my poor readers (really sorry about that by the way), I’m going to try to catch up. I’m hoping to have a new plan in a few weeks because I just cannot live with the constant stress and overwhelming anxiety. I refuse to. It’s the worst feeling in the world and you can have a perfectly good day and still feel like shit because it’s always in the back of your head making you miserable. Please don’t give up. I wish you all the best in February!!!

Sincerely,
LIBD

Reality Checkmate

Posted on by Er-Budd

I have this theory that people with bigger imaginations are more prone to depression. Maybe it’s just me. I was thinking about this on my way home from work today. The song King and Lionheart by Of Monsters and Men came on and it reminded me of the kind of stories I used to read.

I would read anything fantasy and adventure. I was always jealous of the main characters because, at the beginning of the books everyone is just like me. A boring human living their boring life. Not a lot of friends not very popular. Usually, their future goals and dreams aren’t even brought up. They don’t need to because we will watch their future unfold as the story goes on.

One of my favorite stereotypical plots is the girl with no friends who catches the attention of the new guy who won’t give anyone but her the time of day. I don’t mean twilight. That’s not a good example of how you want to start a relationship. There are lots of others. Then it goes on and she turns out to be a queen of this whole other universe she didn’t know existed. Maybe she goes on an adventure and isn’t the queen but discovers this new world and falls in love with the cute elf that she used to hate at the beginning, but throughout the story they grow to like and respect each other.

Frodo got to go on a mega-adventure to get the ring to Mordor!! He also almost died like 4 times though so maybe not that one. Narnia was fantastic!! That’s a great example of the fairy tale life I would like. I used to always have my head in a book. I only read fiction I never read non-fiction or historical books or stuff like that. Never. Do you want to know why? Reality is boring!!! It’s so boring. It’s mundane and predictable, and you are almost certainly guaranteed to NOT get a happy ending. Why on Gods green earth would I read that when I live it every day.

When I was a little girl, I would dream of all the great things that I would accomplish. I would become a famous speaker and travel around the world inspiring millions of kids with my life story and words of wisdom. The only problem is my story isn’t that inspiring. My life is a book I would most DEFINITELY never ever read.

The only problem is that this dreadful work of non-fiction is my life. This is where I’m at, and I’m going to be 30 next year. My imagination can keep dreaming up all the awesome things it wants, but at the end of the day, this is the story I’m stuck with. I’m not special, I didn’t get my Hogwarts letter, and I’m not saving a mythical realm. There are no dragons or unicorns anywhere, and every new guy I’ve ever known couldn’t care less.

I thought the title was super clever! I’m actually really proud of myself for coming up with it. I may be turning 30, but my imagination stopped aging after 13. I can never decide if that’s actually a good thing or not. Because that is the problem when you spend so much time imagining the possibilities.

As year after year goes by, I realize time is going on and on and my life is still just this sad pathetic work of non-fiction. Reality slaps me across the face and calls checkmate. Suddenly I start to think maybe I should have spent less time reading those books and watching those movies and more time playing chess because I have no idea what I’m supposed to do now.

So let’s talk about imagination vs. reality. Do I just lay down and accept defeat? Try to come to terms with the fact that my whole life is this lame boring saga of uneventfulness. It doesn’t even matter if I would rather die than read it because I’m living it, and it’s just as boring as I had feared. Where do I go from here? What do I do next? The only thing I know for certain is that I’m definitely not in one of those books so I very well may not even get a happy ending and if this is all there is then what’s the point you know?

Wow, I’m sorry that got super depressing, but honestly, I have to keep up that delusion of possibilities. When everything and everyone around you is yelling checkmate, IT IS really depressing. This is another one of those posts where I don’t have a conclusion. Everyone has to ‘face the music’ eventually, but how long do I have to face it before I can start pretending that one day something awesome might happen. Maybe one day I’ll walk through the right wardrobe.

I was watching Hidden Figures which was based on a true story, but it was a true story about the type of people I always dreamed I might be, so it was fine. Anyway, there’s this one scene where there’s this rocket that’s coming back from outer space and there’s a problem with the heat shield and they decide not to tell the pilot. They could’ve yelled checkmate. They could have said it loud and clear, but they chose not to because sometimes ignorance truly is bliss. Is that so wrong?

I don’t know how I ended up writing so much. I was actually thinking about giving up on this blog, but I think I’m going to choose ignorance and keep up the fantasy that eventually it will be read by millions with new comments and likes every single day. Because that’s the kind of story I would want to read. I can’t stand sad endings because we all know life sucks, you really don’t need to make a movie about it. That’s why books are always better. 9/10 very predictable, super engaging, and honestly, I need a break from this trainwreck I’m living. I stopped reading because I thought it would help discourage my imagination. Obviously, that hasn’t worked.

I’m going to keep telling myself that age is just a number because I’m not ready to lay down and accept defeat just yet. It may be getting harder to escape from reality, but I’m not going to stop trying. No matter how many TV shows or movies I watch. No matter how many books I read. Reality is always going to be there to scream checkmate right into my face. I don’t know about you, but that almost sounds like a challenge to me…. Well, jokes on reality because everyone who knows me knows the lengths I’m willing to go to just for the sake of proving a point. Challenge accepted.

I’ve got another post in the works, but it’s been in the works for months now. Thank you to everyone who read to the end and I’m sorry I can’t give you a time frame for the next one but thank you for reading and please let me know what you think. I hope you have a very happy Holiday Season!!!!

Sincerely,
LIBD

cyclone fence in shallow photography

Linkin Park: A New Era

Posted on by Er-Budd

Linkin Park: A New Era

So, I’m hoping that by the time this is posted, everyone will have calmed down and gotten over themselves. Before I begin, please remember this whole post is simply one person’s opinion. I’m assuming you have heard about Linkin Park’s new lead singer. If you don’t know what I’m talking about. Linkin Park is possibly the greatest band in the history of music. And when you think Linkin Park, you think of Chester Bennington singing In the End, Numb, or What I’ve Done. Chester sadly committed suicide in 2017 and there has been no Linkin Park since.

It was a really dark time. For family members as well as the band he spent so much time with, I can’t imagine how they must have felt. It was also hard on fans. Linkin Park touched so many lives. Mike’s songs with Chester’s vocals got a lot of people through a lot of things. I remember when I was in outpatient therapy (a few months after his death) we were doing some art therapy thing and at the bottom of my paper I wrote the lyrics of their song Heavy. 

I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down
If I just let go I’d be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy

It’s still one of my favorite songs. There’s a video online of Mike Shinoda singing their song One More Light the fans are singing along and at the end they start chanting Chester’s name, and Mike was so grateful for that moment. He will never not be missed, but I feel like that goes for most people who make the decision to leave the world too soon. I was not only sad about what happened but also the fact that there was no way Linkin Park could go on without one of its most iconic members. Then about a week ago I saw they released a new music video, and I was like, “Well maybe it won’t be that bad”. As the music video went on, I saw this blond lady at a booth in the video, and then she started singing. And in the weirdest way, I could almost hear Chester in her voice. I got tears in my eyes.

I couldn’t believe they found another Linkin Park voice. Then I heard her sing some of the old songs and it was pretty good but there’s only one voice that can sing those songs, and I think she knows that. She’s not trying to replace him. Linkin Park is not trying to replace them. Even if they were it wouldn’t matter because it’s impossible. They just wanted to make music again. Everyone keeps bringing up “What Chester would want”, “What would make him proud”, or “Chester would be so disappointed”. You don’t know that. I don’t know that. No one will ever know because he’s dead. So I won’t write about what I think would make him proud.

I’m going to talk about a band that loved what they did and weren’t ready to give it up forever. It’s not like a year after he died, they just picked some rando and went on tour like nothing happened. Stop acting like spokespeople for people you don’t know or who aren’t here. If you don’t like her then don’t listen, but don’t try to make the remaining members feel like terrible people for following their dream. I guarantee if they were able to choose between Chester or this new chick they would choose Chester, but sadly that’s not possible.

Personally, I hope that once they have new albums they will stop performing Chester’s song. I heard her sing numb and she was just a bit too aggressive in my opinion, but right now they don’t have a ton of other songs to choose from so she’s doing her best to attempt to fill the tiniest bit of the gigantic hole that was left behind. They aren’t replacing him. No one could ever possibly replace him just like no one could replace you. No one is going to be a better you than you are.

Let them follow their dream. Don’t make them give it all up because of one person’s choice. Not everyone will agree so just ignore them. I know what it’s like when a group changes, and you can’t seem to let go of what was to enjoy what is. Sometimes that just takes time, so give other people the time they need. I always say that hurt people hurt people because it’s true. Let them go through their own process to come to terms with it. Some people may never and that’s a shame, but we should respect people’s feelings whatever they may be.

I’m looking forward to this new era of Linkin Park, and if you’re not that’s fine. It’s hard. It feels like supporting the band as they move forward means Chester will get left behind but that’s not the case. Go on Spotify or Apple Music or YouTube type in Iridescent and tell me who you hear. He made the world a better place and the music he left behind will continue to do that. Now the band that he left behind can do that too! This new era is an opportunity to continue to make the world a better place and continue what he started.

We don’t have to agree with each other to not be jerks to one another. Let’s not waste our time on things or people who bring negativity into our lives. Whether that’s politics, favorite sports teams, or new lead singers… Touch grass. There are so many better things to do than argue with people who aren’t going to change their minds and only want to fight. I could have been mad with how poorly Tottenham has played this season but instead, I decided that at this point not being relegated is reward enough. There are plenty of games for us to not be relegated and now I’m cool with how we are doing.

I’m sorry if you read this and don’t care. You could have just stopped but I appreciate you sticking it out to the end if you are still reading this. Let me know your thoughts about their new singer in the comments and I’ll see you in 2 weeks!

Sincerely,
LIBD