Hey y’all. How are we doing? My life sucks. It shouldn’t, but it does. You see, I just got back from a trip with a friend to see one of our favorite comedians. We had a great time, so everything should be awesome but it’s not. Most of you know I’m trying to move out. Desperately trying to the point where now it’s all I think about. It was going great, but now I fear it is hopeless. Actually, it’s a little more than a fear. I’m 98% sure I’m screwed.
I was trying to be smart. I realized that for the cost of rent (my own rent and pet rent for Kota), it would actually be cheaper to buy. It was really hard to find anything in my price range, but with a little more research I discovered my cheapest option (or so I thought) was to buy a lot and put a mobile home on it. And it is cheaper. Significantly cheaper than renting anything more than a one-room studio. I found a manufactured home that had 3 bedrooms and was within my price range, and I fell in love with it. That wasn’t my first mistake, but a mistake, nonetheless.
The thing I didn’t realize is how much it costs to get a site ready especially when there are no utilities put in. I haven’t actually seen the quotes yet but I’m assuming it will end up coming to over $5000 Maybe over 20000 who knows… Now there’s a cheaper home I could get, but I hate the living room so much I know I’d regret it after a few years. The other thing I gotta figure out is even if I get the land ready and buy the home too, how much will I be paying monthly. How much, I don’t know. Probably more than I should take on.
So I realized something on the drive home which I was able to confirm once I got home. This is hopeless. Pointless. I have been wasting my time putting myself through all this madness for no reason because ultimately I’m going to end up having to settle. Whether it’s throwing my money away on rent for a subpar one-room studio that doesn’t even fit all my stuff so I’ll have to keep paying for a storage unit. Maybe I’ll go with the cheaper one with the awful living room (my friend confirmed it was terrible. I showed her pictures and she hated it just as much as I did). Whatever I settle on it will still be settling, but that’s life, isn’t it?
I’m not upset about settling though, I’ve spent most of my life settling, and it’s really not that bad. But there’s a key to settling that has already flown out the window…I never let myself get excited and never set my standards high. I try not to be too hopeful about anything, and never ever let myself have an extravagant dream or goal. I know because I did all of those things and all it did was set me up for failure. Because no one knows better than me that reality is where all dreams go to die.
Before now I worked really hard at never expecting good things to happen to me. I never expected to find an apartment or anything that would actually financially work for me. But I let the voices and encouragement of others cloud my judgment. Then I got excited and started to dream. I can’t be mad a them because they were just being nice. I brought this all upon myself, as I often have throughout life. I can’t undo the hope and excitement I felt. I also can’t undo the soul-crushing hopelessness and disappointment I feel now.
I can’t believe I was so stupid. Sometimes (oftentimes) life sucks, and you just have to sit there and take it. You can’t always get what you want, and nobody owes you anything. I’m starting to hate the title of my website. Some people’s dreams come true, and we should be happy for them. Sometimes it doesn’t matter how hard you work or how much you sacrifice. Some dreams just aren’t going to ever be a reality. It’s a stupid title for a blog because my life would be so much happier if I didn’t have dreams. Right now I’m waiting for my laundry to be done so I can put the other load in the dryer, and tomorrow I’ll go to work, and I’ll come home and despite the constant stress and anxiety that lives in my head all day every day, I won’t be even a little bit closer to having a solution.
I wanted to inspire people. I wanted to tell you all that dreams do come true if you just work hard and never give up. I was hoping I could have told you that already, but I can’t. I’m sorry. I’ll leave you with these parting words of encouragement… Just because my dreams and goals aren’t meant to be doesn’t mean it’s impossible for you. I’ve been thinking a lot about a quote I heard a long time ago it says…
“Just as misfortune comes to you unexpectedly, miracles also come out of the blue just as we’re about to give up hope.””
So don’t give up. Just because I’m giving up now doesn’t mean my dreams won’t ever come true. Maybe someday I’ll get my dream house or maybe I’ll find a more realistic dream, like……. I don’t know, is it really even a dream if it’s realistic. If it’s realistic then I’d just do it anyway. Maybe dreams just aren’t for me. Mentally it’s just not good for me to hope for stuff, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. Right now I think dreams are pointless, dumb, and an overall waste of time. So I challenge you dear readers to prove me wrong.
Every once in a while I’m just so happy to be wrong, and maybe if I’m lucky this will be one of those times. If Brennan Johnson from Tottenham did it, you can too! Be better than me. Be stronger than me, and keep fighting for what you want. Prove to me that everything I’ve ever written was not a lie. I’ll try to keep you updated with how this tale unfolds. I’ve said misery loves company, but not this time. I’m looking forward to somebody at some point telling me I’m wrong. That’s my new dream.
I’ll either be right or happily surprised. There’s no safer dream than one that cannot fail. Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. There will not be a third time. I’m sorry this was so depressing, but I really do wish you all the best. Don’t be me. Don’t give up. You deserve happiness (I know I do too I just don’t think it’s worth it anymore, I’m good).
Like I said I’ll keep you posted. Right now, it’s late and I haven’t been sleeping much with all the craziness going on, so now that I’ve unloaded it all onto my poor readers (really sorry about that by the way), I’m going to try to catch up. I’m hoping to have a new plan in a few weeks because I just cannot live with the constant stress and overwhelming anxiety. I refuse to. It’s the worst feeling in the world and you can have a perfectly good day and still feel like shit because it’s always in the back of your head making you miserable. Please don’t give up. I wish you all the best in February!!!
Sincerely,
LIBD
