Hey y’all, sorry this took so long to post. I was really nervous about posting this because I knew a lot of my friends read this, but after a lot of encouragement/ nagging from them I am posting it. I’d like to dedicate this post to my friends who always encourage me.
Nothing matters but the pain when you’re alone
The never-ending nights when you’re awake
When you’re praying that tomorrow its okay
There will be a time to crack another smile
Maybe not today or for awhile
But were holding on to laugh again somedayTragedy + Time by Rise Against
I get asked on a daily basis, how are you? Most of the time I’ll lie and say “good” or “not bad”. If I feel especially desperate I might respond with “I’ve been better” or “kind of depressed”. Most of the time I don’t know why I bother reaching out. They do try to encourage me; I give them credit for trying, but let’s face it they don’t have clue. No one does.
Because I promised to never let anyone know how I really feel inside. Because I know if anyone found out how messed up I really was our relationship would never be same. I follow all the self-help Facebook pages and read motivational quotes thinking that if I just try hard enough, maybe I can trick myself into thinking that it’s not as bad as it seems. I fight the battle on my own because I can’t see any other option.
It feels like a never ending battle; hopelessness swallowing me from the inside out. Some days I don’t even know why I’m still fighting, or even what it is I’m fighting for. After all, what reason is there to be happy. Every time I lift my head high enough to retreat out of my own self and back to reality what’s out there for me? Murder, war, corruption, hate, lies, broken families, and I realize that I can’t even feel bad for myself because the real world is so much worse than my own petty little problems.
So where does this leave me now; a broken soul in a broken world. Then there’s God. Let’s face it, he’s the only reason I’m still here. That little voice in the back of my head that says “you are meant for so much more than your struggle”. The very voice that is getting crushed and destroyed by the lies of depression. But that’s the real killer isn’t it… the lies; because they don’t feel like lies. When the line between truth and lies is so blurred that I don’t want to think about logic or words anymore because all of a sudden they are just too confusing.
So I rely on my emotions, but the only problem is they aren’t that helpful either. Because long ago I decided I didn’t want to feel anymore. I got so tired of the guilt, the shame, the fear, and the hopelessness that I blocked out all of my emotions and now I feel nothing. It’s not even nothing though is it? It a constant numbness, an emptiness like a hole inside of me that I are terrified I’m going to fall into. That’s when it gets really bad.
Because at this point I start wondering if it’s even worth it to keep fighting. I can hardly consider my current state of existence living. I feel more like I’m simply existing. Suspended in time, not living; just existing……. I don’t feel God’s love, I no longer feel the worth that I have in Him, I know longer feel His presence, but most importantly I no longer feel life. But we still aren’t even at the worst part yet.
Here, is the worst part. The worst part is that deep down I know I’m loved, deep down I know time hasn’t stopped and the world is still spinning for everyone else including me, deep down I know I belong and have purpose, and deep down I know I am worth so much in the eyes of the Lord. Deep down I know I absolutely cannot give up because he has such great things in store for me. THAT is the worst part of being depressed. The part where I know the answers, the part where I know I should not be feeling this way, but I do feel this way and I don’t know how to make it stop. And all I want, is to make it stop. I just don’t know how to convince myself of the truth, and part of me is so tired from fighting myself that I just don’t care.
So I simply reply “I’m okay” because I know their heartfelt yet feeble attempts at encouragement will just make it worse. I know that nobody else can win this battle for me, and I have to keep fighting. I always keep fighting. I guess in a way I might be fighting for myself, to hold on to a promise made long ago that I would never give up. Maybe I’m fighting for friends and family to so I can be a better person for them. I know for a fact though that I’m fighting for God because I know everything that happens in my life; every insult and every mistake, and every moment that I keep fighting I will make him proud. But whatever my reason, I always keep fighting, and I will never give up. Because somewhere inside of me, inside of all of us; is a light.
A light that is hidden under layers of darkness, fear, anxiety, and hopelessness. A light that can never be put out or extinguished. A light with the power to burn brighter than all the darkness we are feeling inside of us. A light that brings truth and hope. This light has a plan for us, a big plan. This light tells us that our lives are essential, important, and one of a kind. This light reminds us that it is rain that makes the flowers grow. It reminds us that forest fires are instrumental in growing a healthier forest. This light reminds us that there is still good in the world even when all we see is the bad.
When the world was an endless expanse of darkness the Lord said “Let there be light” and suddenly there it was. It’s the same God who commanded light in a world of darkness that wants to help us fight the darkness inside ourselves. We just have to let him. Out of all the lies that depression will try to tell us, the biggest and most ridiculous is that we are alone. Because when we are depressed we might feel many things and we might be many things, but alone will never be one of them.
Nothing matters when the pain is all but gone
When you are finally awake
Despite the overwhelming odds tomorrow came
And when they see you crack a smile
And you decide to stay awhile
You’ll be ready then to laugh again~Tragedy + Time by Rise Against
