Hello readers! Sorry for the wait, long story short I just started a new job and its been keeping me pretty busy along with a variety of things going on in my life right now. With all that aside, here is part 2. This is more for people who have friends or family struggling with depression, but hopefully it can provide at least a little help for individuals struggling as well. Without further ado, here we go….
If you read part one then you have an idea of how depression can feel if you’ve never experience it for yourself. I tried to be honest without making it to utterly depressing to read(2019 me who just spell checked it, thinks it was angsty yet honest). When someone is really being drug down by depression they often don’t see or realize the hope I was referring to at the end of my post. When I am feeling really down there are 3 things I don’t want to hear:
- “Its not as bad as it seems.” Either I know its not really this bad or it really feels like it is that bad. Regardless, when I hear this it makes me feel like you are discounting how I am feeling and I will most likely shut you out immediately. When people are depressed their brains are not working correctly, so if it seems like I’m overreacting we very well could be. We just aren’t mentally able to process things rationally at the current moment.
- “Well if you just sit here feeling sorry for yourself its never going to get better.” Ahhh… The tough love approach. Sometimes this helps especially if my brain will be able to logically process things, but since more often than not I’m unable to process things normally, this is gonna make me hate your guts. If someone has been dealing with depression for a while, odds are they know this. I know I’m not doing myself any favors by laying in bed and moping all day, but it feels better than the alternative. Every once in a while I need to take few moment to acknowledge the depression is awful, and it’s super unfortunate that I have to deal with it. No, I definitely shouldn’t be moping in bed all day, but never straight up tell me that. EVER. I already know.
- “You just have to decide to be happy”. If you say this I probably won’t punch you, but I’ll want to. I’ll REALLY, REALLY want to. Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. That means it’s not working correctly, and I cannot simply just choose to be happy. Most likely the reason I’m so depressed in the first place is because I see no reason to be happy. There is nothing wrong with positive thinking, but if you assume that happiness is just a choice that people with depression need to make, odds are they will ignore you and shut you out because obviously you don’t have a clue.
- “God has a plan.” First of all, shut your face! 2019 me is adding this during spell check because this one NEEDS to be added. If there is one thing I took away from my bible college days is that “God has a plan”. Is just a lame attempt to comfort people when you don’t know what to say. If there is one thing I took away from bible college. It’s that God’s “plan” is to make something good from all the bad in the world. God does not plan depression, but he can help me get through it if I let him. So stop say God has a plan that’s a total cop out answer, and I might never speak to you again.
Now before you start hating on me for being to harsh and unhelpful, let me say this. When my meds are working correctly and my brain is able to work logically I understand that you do mean well. However, when I am really struggling and my brains isn’t being logical I can be super sensitive to even the most well intended encouragement. To help you guys out I’ve come up with some ways to help your friends or family without unintentionally seeming uncaring of their feelings.
- Distract: When I am depressed I oftentimes fall into a never ending pity party. I will probably not admit it or always realize it, but it’s true. If you read my post in part one you probably notice my excessive use of “me” and “I”. Don’t call us out on it! I’m miserable enough without you telling me how self absorbed I am. Instead try and get us out of our rooms and distract us with something else. Maybe go to the movies, bowling, out for coffee, or even just for a walk. I personally love animals so maybe a trip to the zoo. Think about what their interests are and try and get the focus off of the bad by doing something they enjoy. Distractions can be super helpful in getting me out of my head. If our brains aren’t working correctly we should definitely not be spending our time listening to what they have to say.
- Listen: If I actually tell you I am depressed, then I’m taking a chance on you, so make the most of it. Ask if I want to talk about it. *Don’t try to fix me*. If you really want to help ask if there is anything you can do. For me the most helpful thing my friends can do is give me a hug and tell me that it will be okay, because I really do need that reminder. That’s just what works for me though. For your friend or family member it might be different, but the most important thing you can do is remind them that they are not alone. If they are religious, offer to pray for them. Remind them that God is bigger than their depression and leave it at that. Prayer is one of the best things that my friends do for me, but remember everyone struggles differently.
- Don’t walk on eggshells: Treat me like you would if I wasn’t depressed. This is one of the most important things. Joke around with them and be sarcastic if that’s the kind of person they are. If you can get us to laugh that’s the best thing you can do. Don’t be obnoxious and overly persistent to cheer me up because then I might feel like you are trying to force me to feel better. Ask them how they are doing every once in a while, but don’t be constantly asking. If I want to talk I will but oftentimes for me at least, I just want to hang out with my friends and feel normal for a bit.
While all of these can be great ways to help your friends or family it is also important to remember that while it is wonderful that you want to help, you are not responsible for their emotional wellbeing. If you try and try but they just don’t want help, that’s not your fault. That doesn’t mean you give up, but is important to remember that their mental health is most definitely not your responsibility. It is not your job to fix us. Also keep in mind that depression affects everybody differently, and while everything I’ve written are tools I’ve found to work for me I can only hope that the things I have written will help other people encourage and be a light to the people in their life that are struggling with depression.
“Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, then it’s not the end.”
