I recently discovered that I’ve been wishing quite a lot. I wish I didn’t feel so isolated, I wish I didn’t have muscular dystrophy, I wish I wasn’t so bitter, and I wish my life was actually going somewhere right now.
A few weeks ago, I was talking to a friend at church. She gave me some advice about forgiveness and brought up two specific questions. The first was asking if an apology would make everything magically better. The second question asked what I wanted from this person that would make them worthy of being forgiven. This article is not about forgiveness. However, these were questions that had never even crossed my mind before in any context. Needless to say, it really got me thinking.
A few days ago, I started reading a new book, and while I was reading, these questions popped into my head again, and it really made me stop and think. Let’s say I woke up tomorrow, and all of my wishes were granted. Would that really make up for the past 20 or so years? The answer is no. No one can change the struggles of your past. Whether we like it or not, it happened, and yes, maybe it was sad, messy, and awful, but it happened.
The second question was even harder to answer. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what could make up for all the crap that’s happened in my life. I know what I think I want, but how do I know if what I think I want is what’s best for me. Does that make sense? Let me say it like this.
Kids would love to eat cake, ice cream, pizza, and mac n’ cheese for every meal. As a parent, you don’t let them eat or do whatever they want because you want them to grow up happy and healthy. Not that I would actually know anything about parenting, I’m just assuming. My mom has a cat, though, and even though this cat would love to be fed 4 times a day instead of 2, we don’t do that cause we don’t want her to get overweight and develop health problems.
Sometimes we want things, and we are so overcome by how much we want them that we don’t know or consider whether they will help or hurt us. At this point, I’m assuming that the things I’ve been wishing for are not what I actually need. At least not at this stage of my life.
I think right now, I need to focus on myself. I need to start being a friend to myself instead of an enemy. I know it won’t be easy to break the cycle, but I think I’m finally starting to get better, and I want to keep improving. To do that, I need to figure out what makes me and every one of us so special, and that is what I am hoping to figure out on my quest to identity.
Sincerely,
LIBD
Wishing (Quest to Identity)
