I was sitting in my car today, and this song came on. It was a better day for me. I go back and forth between “I should just kill myself” and “Nah, I think it’s going to be alright.” It’s exhausting, but I’m still here… obviously. I hadn’t heard this song in a while, and I forgot how much I loved it.
I don’t really know how to be a Christian. Most people read their bible. Job and Eclissastes are pretty great (especially if you are depressed), and I have read it, but I don’t get those magical revelations that most people seem to get from reading their bible. Most of my prayers are like, “Hey God, I know you are probably busy, but…” I’m amazing at praying for others though. Personal prayers not so much, and that’s why I relate to this song so much I think. 가자!! (Guess who found her Korean Keyboard!!)
Scared of my own image
Scared of my own immaturity
Scared of my own ceiling
Scared I'll die of uncertainty
I’ve always been scared. Of everything. When I have to go talk to someone. I always ask someone else to tell me what to say. I’m terrified everyone can see my gray hairs. There’s like 6 of them now. So naturally, you can imagine the absolute horror I must have felt when my entire life had changed all at once. I feel like Stede in Our Flag Means Death when Izzy says,” I think you’re amazing, fascinating. I’ve never met anyone with such a total lack of skills. How you are still alive, I cannot say” just like Stede, I also ask myself that question daily.
Fear might be the death of me
Fear leads to anxiety
Don't know what's inside of me
If you could die from fear and anxiety, I would have been dead a long time ago. Alas, it does not kill you. It just eats you alive from the inside out until you can’t even think straight. Thank God for my anxiety medication. Also, friends. They’ve been amazing through all of this. It still feels a little bit like the universe is out to get me, and who runs the universe? That’s right, God. Then I wonder, “Is this because of that time in kindergarten or any of the other thousand mistakes I’ve made.” Maybe it’s because I don’t read my bible enough. It’s so boring, though, and how much do I have to read before my life magically gets better. That’s why I love this song.
Don't forget abou-bou-bou-bou-bout me
Don't forget abou-bou-bou-bou-bout me
Even when I doubt you
I'm no good without you
No,No
I know God is probably a busy otherworldly being or presence, and let’s be honest… While my life may feel like a catastrophe, there are actual wars going on and people with far more significant problems. I doubt God a lot. Not doubt that he’s there, although I do have moments I wonder why I believe. I doubt that he cares. I doubt that he listens to my prayers. Maybe he’s got bigger fish to fry. Maybe someone prayed that my soccer team would have a terrible season, and he’s preoccupied with fulfilling that request. I’m kidding; I know that’s not how it works. Well, I don’t know, but I would assume not.
Temperature is dropping
Temperature is dropping
I'm not sure if I can see this ever stopping
The difference is, I was scared to get a new job, but that happened in a week. A stressful week, but still just a week. I was scared to move away for college. I didn’t die, and then I got used to it pretty quickly. With this, though, I don’t see an end. I’m buying my mom’s car tomorrow, but that’s just one piece. I got a loan so I have to pay that back, and then I still have to find a place to live. This could go on for OVER A YEAR!! 미쳤어!!! Which is Korean for “how could I not lose my mind.” Not really, that’s how you say ‘it’s crazy.’ If you put a question mark at the end, it means, ‘Are you crazy?’
Shaking hands with the dark parts of my thoughts
No, you are all that I've got
Literally could not have described it better myself. I did a Music Monday for their song car radio a while back. This dude really has a way with words. I’m trying to ignore my dark thoughts, but they come and go just like emotions. So perhaps I should just accept them and remember they will pass. No matter how bad it feels.
No, don't forget abou-bou-bou-bou-bout me
Don't forget abou-bou-bou-bou-bout me
Even when I doubt you
I'm no good without you
No, no, no, no, no
It says God is there for every single person. He’s always with you, but I can’t see him and can’t talk to him. So how does that classify as being with someone? I know I’m not that great. I should be nicer, give more, be more grateful… It’s so hard though, and I’m not a nice person. I’m also not a happy person, so I can’t blame God if he happens to overlook me. As I stated before, there are worse things in life. But if you think I’m bad now, just imagine if I wasn’t a Christian… I’d be such a Karen. I’m no good without him… or Oneus. Part of me thinks God brought Oneus into my life to have people who bring me joy and hope that I can both see AND hear. AND HIGH FIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bro!!! I high-fived Xion AND Seoho, both of them!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH. I went to see Oneus in Kentucky, but shit hit the fan on the way home and permanently tarnished this beautiful memory.
Gnawing on the bishops
Claw our way up their system
Repeating simple phrases someone Holy insisted
I just want to know that he hears me and cares because sometimes it just feels like empty words. I don’t sing much at church either. You can say I don’t try, but no matter how touching or true the words are, I just don’t get them. You should make a joyful noise to the Lord, and I do that every day on my way to and from work. Today, this was one of the songs.
Want the markings made on my skin
To mean something to me again
I got a tattoo a long time ago. The design itself was chosen because it’s a girl in the rain, and there’s this song by The Rose called She’s In The Rain. There’s a line that says, “It’s better to be held than holding on.” Above the design is the word Incomplete because of the Oneus song by that same name. The chorus translates to “It’s okay, even if it’s not perfect.” Lately, I’ve been sad when I see it because it doesn’t give me hope. It doesn’t even give me comfort. I want to hope again. When I saw Oneus perform, they did their song Life is Beautiful. I am not going to lie; I was kind of irritated by it because things were already starting to go downhill, even before the concert. But there’s one part where Xion sings, “Even if things don’t turn out the way you want…. Life is Beautiful”, and I am always reluctantly comforted by those words.
Hope you haven't left without me
Hope you haven't left without me, please
Don't forget abou-bou-bou-bou-bout me
Don't forget abou-bou-bou-bou-bout me
Even when I doubt you
I'm no good without you, no
[x2]
No, no, no, no
So, if I could tell God something and know he heard me, I would say this… I’m not the best. You know I’m not. Not the best Christian, the best receptionist, or the best human. Right now, I don’t even think I’m the best Erin, but I want to be. Please don’t leave me behind. Please don’t forget about me. Sometimes I doubt you, but we both know I’m no good without you. I won’t get an answer (I’ve specifically asked him not to appear to me like the people in the bible because I know it would freak me out. Honestly, who wouldn’t though).
Thanks for reading; I hope this wasn’t too long. This doesn’t feel that spectacular, but being a Christian isn’t about feelings, which kind of makes me feel like what’s the point, but that’s just because I’m in an angsty mood right now. I have a lot going on, but maybe you do too. If so… well, whoever figures out the magic cure first can share with the class haha. Wish me luck, pray for me, send me positive vibes, or whatever it is you can offer. I hope it wasn’t too boring. I’ll see you in 2 weeks!
Sincerely,
LIBD
