Love and Other Dangerous Things

Hey y’all! It’s been a LONG time, hasn’t it? Oneus had a comeback, and I’ve been making videos for my YT channel. Which reminds me, I will be doing a Christmas video/face reveal, so please look forward to that. My face is so sub-par compared to my personality, and I’m not confident in front of the camera at all, so we will see how it goes. Anyway, moving on. Do you like the title? I thought it was pretty good. I don’t like loving things; it’s dangerous, but we’ll discuss that in the post. The idea for this came while watching A Boy Called Christmas on Netflix. It was soooooooo good!!!! For realz, you have to watch it; it’s my new favorite. Shall we begin?? 가자!!

First, I don’t think the title is entirely fair (even though I’m the one who chose it). There is a difference between dangerous and scary. For example, I want to get a tattoo. Getting a tattoo is not dangerous as long as you go to a legit tattoo place and take care of it until it heals. You think airplanes would be dangerous, but you are actually far more likely to die in a car accident than a plane crash. However, my argument is that someone has to be in the 1%, and I don’t want it to be me, so I don’t like flying no matter how many times I do it. Horseback riding is dangerous but not scary because I’ve had lots of practice. I think you see where I am going with this.

So I suppose a more accurate title would be Love and Other Scary Things. I won’t list all my fears because I’m trying to keep it under 2 pages, and my fears could fill at least 3. It’s become quite difficult to not love, though. I remember sitting in my counselor’s office one day, freaking out because “my dog won’t live forever, and I don’t know what I’ll do without her.” First, it was my dog, then I made some super friends, and now I love Oneus too. I hate it. They make me so happy, and I love their music and how they always encourage and care about us. They are like the bestest friends (that have no idea I exist) that I ever had. I was not happy when I realized that Oneus, much like my dog and my friends, had wormed their way into my icy heart of stone.

What the heck does any of this have to do with a Christmas movie, you ask?? Well, I was watching this movie to distract myself from the tragic revelation that I have feelings and care about things. Then, I heard an excellent quote…… It said, “Grief is the price we pay for love, but worth it a million times over.” The whole movie was an emotional roller coaster, but that quote got me thinking.

It wasn’t always this way. I used to love lots of stuff a long time ago. The reason I never wanted to love anything is quite simple. In the past, everything I loved was taken away from me, and it hurt so bad. A long time ago, my friend gave me a horse to call my own. I got to love her and visit her. She was very old. They took her in after she retired from where I take riding lessons. Me and Smokey (that was her name) had won 1st place in showmanship 2 years in a row together. It was a dream come true to have a horse to call my own, but she had been acting weird, and one day she had a seizure. The vet was called, and they discovered that Smokey had a brain tumor. The decision was made to put her to sleep. She had started to get a bit aggressive because the seizures would confuse her. After all, she was a horse and didn’t know what was happening to her. The day before she was supposed to be put to sleep. I visited her one last time. I gave her all the cuddles and treats, and her owners bought her a big bucket of Neapolitan ice cream, which she enjoyed a lot. I think I still have her lead rope to this day. A lead rope and some memories were all I had left of her. I cried about it for 2 or 3 days after she was gone. I knew it was for the best, but I loved her so much.

Thinking back on it now, as I write this with tears in my eyes………. It was definitely worth it…… A million times over. If I could go back in time, I wouldn’t change anything. That horse brought me so much joy. Love scares me because I feel like I’m setting myself up for heartbreak. There’s also that quote that says it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I always thought that quote was stupid and cheesy. Still, I suppose it goes back to what I said in K-quotes: Memories; if you never experience sadness, you can’t truly experience happiness either. I love my dog, Sunshine (the horse I ride now), and my friends…. A lot. I love Oneus too. It may never not be scary, but I think I’d be even sadder if I stopped riding horses, listening to Oneus, and spent my life alone without friends or a dog to talk to.

AJR’s song Humpty Dumpty has a few memorable lines, the first of which says, “I could move away, or I could suck it up and face it.” Those are the only two options. There’s no in-between. The other “dangerous” thing I want to talk about is that I really want a tattoo. I’ve wanted one for years, but I wanted something that would mean something to me, but at the same time, much like love, there are only two options, and I’m kind of nervous. What if 15 years from now I don’t like it, but what if I do? There’s only one way to find out.

I guess that means on both accounts, I’ll have to suck it up in face it. For my tattoo, I want one with a similar design to Cya from Onewe. But above it, I want the lyrics in Korean from Oneus’s song Incomplete that says, “It’s okay if it’s not perfect.” I want it to remind me that my life doesn’t have to be perfect or happy all the time. I will always have good moments and regrets, but that doesn’t make my life any less meaningful, but If I don’t do things just because I’m scared, then I’ll never know if I regret it or if it would have been great.

For most of my life, I’ve not done things because I’ve been scared, but I can’t help but wonder in all of those situations what would have happened if I had “sucked it up and faced it.” What if it would have been great? After years of being scared to talk on the phone, I do it a lot more, and it doesn’t make me as anxious, but what if I had sucked it up and faced it earlier? Maybe my life would have gone better. If grief is the price we pay for love, then so be it because at least I will never have to wonder what if. The other line from the song is, “When Humpty Dumpty went down, he said ‘screw it imma smile right through it, and I’ll scream when no one’s around.” If I ever regret getting a tattoo, I will scream when no one’s around, but at least I won’t have to live the rest of my life wondering if I would have loved it.

Love isn’t any less scary for me either. I won’t have Kota forever, I won’t have Sunshine forever, and one day, Oneus will stop making music to live their own lives, but when that time comes, I’ll smile right through it, and I’ll scream when no one’s around. About a month ago, someone gave me a picture of me and Sunny with a quote of something I had written on Facebook. Me and Sunny went over a jump and actually jumped it, all by ourselves, and I was so proud I had to post about it. Someone commented how brave I was to be able to do that, and I said that one thing Sunshine taught me is that “scary doesn’t mean bad. It just means we have to keep practicing until it isn’t scary anymore.” That was the quote they put next to the picture.

Life is pretty scary sometimes. If I want a life I can look back on with no regrets, I have to suck it up and face my fears. As Oneus said, it’s ‘okay if it’s not perfect, but at least if I face life head-on, then I’ll never have to wonder if I missed out, and I’ll know I did my best.

Thank you for reading this. I hope you guys have a happy holiday season. Please look forward to my Christmas video. My family doesn’t buy me kpop stuff, so I buy my own kpop Christmas presents and pretend they are from my dog. Basically, it will be an unboxing, but that doesn’t sound as exciting. If you liked this post, please like or leave a comment. Even if you hate it, you can still like it; I promise I won’t tell anyone. Until next time…

Sincerely,
LIBD