Tag: life

lemon photo on person s thigh

When Life gives you Lemons

Posted on by LIBD

Hello again. How are you? It should be well into summer here by the time this gets posted. I’m doing better. I’m the proud owner of my mom’s old car, so that’s exciting. I had to get my own car insurance, which was an experience. Still no luck in finding a new place though, so it looks like I’ll be staying with my dad for longer than I hoped.

It’s so weird going from constantly walking on eggshells at my mom’s house just waiting to be yelled out for stupid stuff to just living my life. I keep waiting for them to get mad at me for something, so it’s going to take a while, I think, for me to stop being so on edge all the time.

I’m returning to Subway a few days a week to earn extra money to save up. Never thought I would be a 2-job kind of person, but when life gives you lemons…. Oh look, I magically managed to perfectly segway into today’s post. Let’s get to it then, shall we? Many of you are probably familiar with the phrase, ‘When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.’ Others might prefer one of my favorites, ‘When life gives you lemons, throw them at people,’ but I’m here to talk about a phrase you likely haven’t heard.

If you are one of my regular readers, you may remember I’m going to see AJR in June. I wrote a Music Monday a few years ago for their song 100 bad days. I could write about many of their songs, and maybe I will…. But today, I am referencing a line in the pre-chorus of their song ‘Break My Face.’ I’ll post the song at the bottom; it’s a real gem. The line is pretty simple. It says

"What doesn't kill you
Makes you ugly
Life gives you lemons
At least it gave you something."

I love this because I’m tired of hearing that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. It may be true, but I don’t feel stronger right now. I feel ugly. And that may not be true, but it makes me smile. Now, let’s get into the second half. This is so true. If life gives you lemons, you can decide for yourself if you want to make lemonade or just throw them at people. But at least you have lemons.

Lemon also tastes really good on roasted broccoli; mix it with some lemon juice and lemon zest, and you’ve got something good. But you could be stuck eating plain, boring roasted broccoli or just water, or you may not have anything to throw at people.

Life has given me A LOT, and I mean A LOT of lemons. Like if you need lemons let me know, I got you. At first, I wasn’t sure what to do. I knew I was NOT in the mood to make lemonade, and I’m not one to throw things at people. But at least I had something, and it took me a bit to realize it. My entire life became a massive trainwreck, and I felt so hopeless. Lately, I’ve realized I need to just be grateful that at least I have lemons.

A long time ago, I talked about a Korean drama I watched. One of the quotes I shared at the end was something like, “There is no comfort in knowing things could have been worse. Misfortune is just unfortunate.” That may have been true in the beginning, but eventually, there needs to come a time when you have to be grateful you’ve got lemons. It could have been worse.

My dad and his wife didn’t have to let me live with them or help me get my own car and insurance. There are some parents who aren’t that nice. The ladies at my church didn’t have to help me box up all my stuff when I was too upset to even think about boxing it up. When I had a major meltdown, my dad didn’t have to drop what he was doing to come pick me up and take me out to lunch. We didn’t leave the restaurant until we made a plan, and I no longer felt like my life was spiraling out of control.

This song and another song of theirs (Steve’s Going to London) can almost always cheer me up because they are just random and ridiculous in the best way. But we are talking about this one, so I will go ahead and share the Chorus.

Okay, so if I break my face
And I don't look so great
My face is just my face
Okay, so if I break my face
It ain't my darkest day
My face is just my face
I'm okay

Now, remember it’s taken me about a month to get to this point where I genuinely feel this way. When shit happens, it’s totally normal to feel hopeless or pessimistic. It’s actually very important to allow yourself to feel this way. During my meltdown, I remember the lady from my church who was there with me telling me to go ahead and feel however it was that I felt.

Only by acknowledging those feelings can we begin to heal; even then, it’s much easier said than done. Sometimes, it feels like life comes along and punches you in the face, but modern medicine has come a long way. I may be ugly now, but my face will heal, and then I’ll start washing it again. After a while, it will look even better than it did before. Plus, life gave me lemons, so at least it gave me something.

It’s not like when someone dies. No number of lemons is going to bring them back, but no one died, so I’m sure it’s not my darkest day. After all, my face is just my face, I’m not dead, and this is not going to permanently disfigure me, so while it may be scary and uncomfortable…. I think I’ll be okay. I might feel bad again, and that’s okay. Bad things that may not seem like a big thing to someone else can still be traumatic to the person experiencing it. And trauma takes time to heal.

Thank you for reading, and remember, this is just my perspective on what I’m going through in life. If you can’t relate, then I’m sorry I couldn’t be of more help, but that’s fine. Misfortune is unfortunate, and it’s important to process all our emotions, good and bad, before we can start healing. Also, don’t be afraid to ask for help because you have people in your life who want to help. It may not seem like it, but it’s true, and I would not have made it this far without all the people who have helped and supported me through this.

Remember, I’m always cheering for you, and I’ll see you in a few weeks. They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, but I don’t believe that. I think we are all stronger than we can possibly imagine. We just have to believe in ourselves and remember how much we already have overcome when we didn’t think we could.

Sincerely,
LIBD

man holding black game controller

Beating the Game

Posted on by LIBD

I was talking to a friend about how complicated life can sometimes be. She said she was trying to learn to enjoy the happy moments along the way. We talked about how difficult it can be to find the line between happiness and responsibility. If we ever figure it out, I promise to share it with you guys. There are all these responsibilities when you become an adult though. It’s like I have a to-do list that never really ends. More stuff just gets added on whenever I start checking things off.

It’s hard though. I think the feeling of wanting to solve all your problems and fix everything is a pretty common one. I was thinking about all of this. Trying not to take life so seriously, just enjoying it but still being responsible… Then something popped into my head. A few weeks ago, my brother fell off the face of the earth. No one could get him to answer the calls or texts. My parents were getting really worried, but he had texted me 5 days before about the new Harry Potter game he had started. My brother works a lot, so not answering every call or text isn’t unusual. However, after another week, even I started to get worried.

Finally, my mom threatened to have the cops come to check on him if he didn’t respond to someone, and a few hours later, I got a text saying he beat that whole game. It’s not surprising that he would get that invested in a game; I just didn’t know he was that passionate of a Harry Potter fan.

It’s rare for my brother to totally beat a game because most of his favorite games are open-ended. Like, he can get to the highest level, but even then the game doesn’t really end; there are always more things to do. I was kind of disappointed though. Did he even have time to enjoy the game and get into it, or was he just rushing through levels to beat it? That’s like skipping through an episode you can’t be bothered to watch so you can get the gist and be done with it.

I realized though I treat life the same way my brother treated that game. I know what needs to be done. I want to do it all, get it over with, so I can “beat the game.” I realized that’s where the line is between letting yourself be happy and staying responsible. Beating the game is the end goal for everyone; that’s why we play, but we can’t forget it’s a game.

An example of what I think is a responsible balance is this: I play Hogwarts mystery, and there’s a main storyline you follow along with side quests, in-game activities, and magizoology. Sometimes during the side quests and stuff, I’m so focused on finishing them to get back to the main story that I don’t know what it was about. I skip through the dialogues so I can move on and finish them. I think that’s what it’s like when we focus too hard on our responsibilities.

On the other hand, other times, I’ll get so caught up taking care of creatures and earning more books to unlock more creatures that I forget there’s an actual story to complete. I can’t spend all my time playing mini-games or trying to unlock new creatures. I’m not making any real progress whatsoever.

My brother has played a game called RuneScape since middle school. He’s at the highest level and has unlocked all these fancy, rare things that only the most elite players can get. Apparently, they keep adding levels to the game. Once they add another one, he’ll do whatever you do in that game to get to the next level. In between, he just messes around in the game doing random stuff while he waits for a new level. Ideally, that’s how I want to live my life. Keep up with responsibilities so I can truly enjoy all the perks. Do I ever think I will get there? I don’t know.

There’s a sense of loss I’ve found though, when you beat a game. That’s why I don’t like to hurry through games. It’s not just because I’m bad at them. Some games are challenging too. We used to have Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets on our Xbox, and there was one part I never ended up beating. I just couldn’t do it no matter how many times I tried. My brother beat it on his file or whatever they called different user accounts.

After he completed that, he later got stuck on the level with the spiders. I beat it for him. He again struggled with defeating the basilisk, enlisted my help again, and I beat that one too. I helped him win the whole game but was always stuck on that one level. I don’t think I ever asked him to help me, or maybe he couldn’t do it again.

I think at times, we get stuck. Trying to overcome this mountain of responsibility, we feel frustrated and give up. That’s the time it’s most important to remind yourself it’s just a game or it’s just life. It doesn’t have to be serious. If you are stuck, give yourself a break for a day. Be kind to yourself and enjoy the little things life has to offer. Then try again.

You may still be stuck like I am right now, and that’s okay. My problems will still be there tomorrow. Physically at this moment, I cannot do the things I need to do. I’m already in bed while writing this, so changing my sheets clearly isn’t going to happen. Financially I will pay off what I can this paycheck, and once I’ve done all that I could possibly do at this moment, I’m going to try to just be happy.

Should I clean my room? Yes. I know that. Lately, I’ve been tired and stressed about how I look because even though I haven’t gained much weight, I can’t stand to look at anything but my face in the mirror. The mess will still be there when I’m ready to clean it, but until that happens, I will take it 24 hours at a time.

If I do nothing, I hope to genuinely enjoy and appreciate that time. In the mindset app, I hear or read (I’m not sure which) “you are worthy of rest,” and honestly, still just reading it feels wrong, but you know what? I’m gonna make that my mantra, and I’m going to keep telling myself that until the day I actually believe it.

Problems and responsibilities are much easier to deal with when we are in a good place mentally. This brings me to another thing I’ve heard multiple times from the mood check-in AI “prioritize your mental health and well-being,” “be gentle with yourself,” “focus on your progress,” and all these things that I’m honestly not used to hearing.

When I think of responsibilities, I think of work, bills, independence, and a clean living space. However, I think our most significant responsibility should be to ourselves. We are humans with feelings, and I will try to add myself to my to-do list. I’m not a machine. I shouldn’t feel bad when I’m too overwhelmed to deal with life. I can enjoy doing nothing without feeling so ridiculously guilty and ashamed.

I hope this brought you comfort if you are struggling. Thank you for reading, and let’s all do our best to ensure we are responsible for ourselves. Maybe you already are, but if you are like me and are bad at it, I encourage you to keep those quotes in the back of your mind. Don’t forget I’m always cheering for you, and I hope you have a good week.

Sincerely,
LIBD

iphone near spiral book and laptop

Regaining Control

Posted on by LIBD

Hey y’all! How goes it? How’s the new year treating you? Hopefully you said good, but if not, that really sucks, and I’m sorry your year is going poorly. I hope this blog post can help you. I’ve started writing stuff ahead of time, so I can post more consistently.

I’m writing this on January 24th. Honestly, my year is off to a good start for once. I’m also trying to be proactive, though. I’m trying to keep my mental health in check so that even if it gets bad, I can deal with it without spiraling into depression.

I just told someone I can’t talk on the phone, but I can text. They don’t need to know that the reason why I can’t is that I can’t be bothered. I don’t want to talk sometimes though. I do cherish my alone time. I’m making more jewelry, and I’ve been listening to Woosungs mindest series for the past few days. Mindset is like the calm app but WAY cheaper, and I like it better. Woosung, aka Sammy, is the lead singer/guitarist for The Rose.

I wanna start by saying thank you to Woosung. It’s not easy to be open and honest about your life, but he was, and the things he said helped me a lot. One of my favorite parts was an extra thing he did when talking about dealing with controversy. He said he admired people who were faced with a problem, and even though it was probably annoying and inconvenient, they focused on how they could fix it and go on with their life. He mentioned something that I’ve said numerous times. I say it differently than he does, and since it’s my blog, I will use my own words.

I say this to my coworkers all the time (not out loud, just in my head), “I’m sorry your life sucks, but it’s really not my problem, so if you could just do your job with a smile instead of ruining everyone else’s day that’d be great.” And out of all my shortcomings, that is the one thing I try not to do since I have been on the receiving end. When I’m having a bad day, I leave it all at home. As much as I wish everyone else could be miserable with me, that would make me what Woosung so elegantly referred to as “a negative a** person.” I laughed so hard. I don’t know why I found it to be so hilarious.

He also inspired me to start eating healthy and making a serious effort to care for myself. So far, I’ve brushed my teeth 3 nights in a row and washed my face last night AND this morning, AND I showered today!! I don’t even know who I am anymore. It’s awesome. He said something that normally would have been…. Triggering isn’t the right word; more like, ‘hell no.’ He talked about how if you don’t like something about your life, you can change it, but I looked at it a little differently this time.

In the past, it made me mad when people said that because I couldn’t just stop being depressed, but I realized that wasn’t it. If I don’t like the fact I’m not losing weight, then I can eat better. I’m trying to eat lots more vegetables and cut back on snacks and junk food. Today I had a salad for breakfast and a veggie sub for lunch….. but then for dinner, I had a double cheeseburger, potato teasers, and a hot fudge peanut butter milkshake, but even that is an improvement. He said once your body get’s used to healthier foods, it’s easier to stay away from the unhealthy stuff. And I feel so tired after that dinner, so clearly, it was a bad idea, haha.

If I don’t like my messy room, I can clean it. Still, cleaning is sometimes hard for me, so even if I don’t clean it, I can remind myself that it’s just a room and the mess has no effect on my life despite being a mild annoyance. Sometimes when I’m depressed, it feels like my life is out of control, but that’s not true. Sure, there are things we cannot control, but we can control how we react and deal with those things. When I’m depressed, I can think about how horrible my life is, or I can say to myself, “I’m depressed, and that sucks, so if I’ll I do is watch tv, then I should at least enjoy that.”

I think that’s where I always got it twisted. I try to change situations instead of finding a better way to deal with the situation. I want to hold onto all of these things as the year continues, and hopefully, by the time this is posted, I will still be doing okay. I highly recommend the Mindset app. It has a daily check-in and stories from various people sharing their struggles, things they’ve learned, and how they’ve gotten where they are today. This will sound terrible, but the thing that gave me the most comfort when I was depressed was hearing stories about other people’s struggles. I’m sorry that anyone has to go through difficult periods, but when I’m depressed, I feel so alone. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who feels like that, and if they got better, then maybe I can too. I think I really am this year, but it’s still early, so we’ll see.
Thank you for your reading; please give it a like and subscribe. Comments are always welcome as long as you aren’t a negative a** person. Thank you for the kind comments; it really makes my day! I hope you guys are doing well, and I’m cheering for all of you and wishing you the best. Let’s all try to have a good year and look after our mental health. Thank you to Woosung, the mindset app, all my friends, and all of you readers and subscribers. I’m genuinely grateful to each and every one of you.

Sincerely,
LIBD

Love and Other Dangerous Things

Posted on by LIBD

Hey y’all! It’s been a LONG time, hasn’t it? Oneus had a comeback, and I’ve been making videos for my YT channel. Which reminds me, I will be doing a Christmas video/face reveal, so please look forward to that. My face is so sub-par compared to my personality, and I’m not confident in front of the camera at all, so we will see how it goes. Anyway, moving on. Do you like the title? I thought it was pretty good. I don’t like loving things; it’s dangerous, but we’ll discuss that in the post. The idea for this came while watching A Boy Called Christmas on Netflix. It was soooooooo good!!!! For realz, you have to watch it; it’s my new favorite. Shall we begin?? 가자!!

First, I don’t think the title is entirely fair (even though I’m the one who chose it). There is a difference between dangerous and scary. For example, I want to get a tattoo. Getting a tattoo is not dangerous as long as you go to a legit tattoo place and take care of it until it heals. You think airplanes would be dangerous, but you are actually far more likely to die in a car accident than a plane crash. However, my argument is that someone has to be in the 1%, and I don’t want it to be me, so I don’t like flying no matter how many times I do it. Horseback riding is dangerous but not scary because I’ve had lots of practice. I think you see where I am going with this.

So I suppose a more accurate title would be Love and Other Scary Things. I won’t list all my fears because I’m trying to keep it under 2 pages, and my fears could fill at least 3. It’s become quite difficult to not love, though. I remember sitting in my counselor’s office one day, freaking out because “my dog won’t live forever, and I don’t know what I’ll do without her.” First, it was my dog, then I made some super friends, and now I love Oneus too. I hate it. They make me so happy, and I love their music and how they always encourage and care about us. They are like the bestest friends (that have no idea I exist) that I ever had. I was not happy when I realized that Oneus, much like my dog and my friends, had wormed their way into my icy heart of stone.

What the heck does any of this have to do with a Christmas movie, you ask?? Well, I was watching this movie to distract myself from the tragic revelation that I have feelings and care about things. Then, I heard an excellent quote…… It said, “Grief is the price we pay for love, but worth it a million times over.” The whole movie was an emotional roller coaster, but that quote got me thinking.

It wasn’t always this way. I used to love lots of stuff a long time ago. The reason I never wanted to love anything is quite simple. In the past, everything I loved was taken away from me, and it hurt so bad. A long time ago, my friend gave me a horse to call my own. I got to love her and visit her. She was very old. They took her in after she retired from where I take riding lessons. Me and Smokey (that was her name) had won 1st place in showmanship 2 years in a row together. It was a dream come true to have a horse to call my own, but she had been acting weird, and one day she had a seizure. The vet was called, and they discovered that Smokey had a brain tumor. The decision was made to put her to sleep. She had started to get a bit aggressive because the seizures would confuse her. After all, she was a horse and didn’t know what was happening to her. The day before she was supposed to be put to sleep. I visited her one last time. I gave her all the cuddles and treats, and her owners bought her a big bucket of Neapolitan ice cream, which she enjoyed a lot. I think I still have her lead rope to this day. A lead rope and some memories were all I had left of her. I cried about it for 2 or 3 days after she was gone. I knew it was for the best, but I loved her so much.

Thinking back on it now, as I write this with tears in my eyes………. It was definitely worth it…… A million times over. If I could go back in time, I wouldn’t change anything. That horse brought me so much joy. Love scares me because I feel like I’m setting myself up for heartbreak. There’s also that quote that says it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I always thought that quote was stupid and cheesy. Still, I suppose it goes back to what I said in K-quotes: Memories; if you never experience sadness, you can’t truly experience happiness either. I love my dog, Sunshine (the horse I ride now), and my friends…. A lot. I love Oneus too. It may never not be scary, but I think I’d be even sadder if I stopped riding horses, listening to Oneus, and spent my life alone without friends or a dog to talk to.

AJR’s song Humpty Dumpty has a few memorable lines, the first of which says, “I could move away, or I could suck it up and face it.” Those are the only two options. There’s no in-between. The other “dangerous” thing I want to talk about is that I really want a tattoo. I’ve wanted one for years, but I wanted something that would mean something to me, but at the same time, much like love, there are only two options, and I’m kind of nervous. What if 15 years from now I don’t like it, but what if I do? There’s only one way to find out.

I guess that means on both accounts, I’ll have to suck it up in face it. For my tattoo, I want one with a similar design to Cya from Onewe. But above it, I want the lyrics in Korean from Oneus’s song Incomplete that says, “It’s okay if it’s not perfect.” I want it to remind me that my life doesn’t have to be perfect or happy all the time. I will always have good moments and regrets, but that doesn’t make my life any less meaningful, but If I don’t do things just because I’m scared, then I’ll never know if I regret it or if it would have been great.

For most of my life, I’ve not done things because I’ve been scared, but I can’t help but wonder in all of those situations what would have happened if I had “sucked it up and faced it.” What if it would have been great? After years of being scared to talk on the phone, I do it a lot more, and it doesn’t make me as anxious, but what if I had sucked it up and faced it earlier? Maybe my life would have gone better. If grief is the price we pay for love, then so be it because at least I will never have to wonder what if. The other line from the song is, “When Humpty Dumpty went down, he said ‘screw it imma smile right through it, and I’ll scream when no one’s around.” If I ever regret getting a tattoo, I will scream when no one’s around, but at least I won’t have to live the rest of my life wondering if I would have loved it.

Love isn’t any less scary for me either. I won’t have Kota forever, I won’t have Sunshine forever, and one day, Oneus will stop making music to live their own lives, but when that time comes, I’ll smile right through it, and I’ll scream when no one’s around. About a month ago, someone gave me a picture of me and Sunny with a quote of something I had written on Facebook. Me and Sunny went over a jump and actually jumped it, all by ourselves, and I was so proud I had to post about it. Someone commented how brave I was to be able to do that, and I said that one thing Sunshine taught me is that “scary doesn’t mean bad. It just means we have to keep practicing until it isn’t scary anymore.” That was the quote they put next to the picture.

Life is pretty scary sometimes. If I want a life I can look back on with no regrets, I have to suck it up and face my fears. As Oneus said, it’s ‘okay if it’s not perfect, but at least if I face life head-on, then I’ll never have to wonder if I missed out, and I’ll know I did my best.

Thank you for reading this. I hope you guys have a happy holiday season. Please look forward to my Christmas video. My family doesn’t buy me kpop stuff, so I buy my own kpop Christmas presents and pretend they are from my dog. Basically, it will be an unboxing, but that doesn’t sound as exciting. If you liked this post, please like or leave a comment. Even if you hate it, you can still like it; I promise I won’t tell anyone. Until next time…

Sincerely,
LIBD