Tag: See U Tomorrow

#MusicMonday (See U Tomorrow by SF9)

Posted on by LIBD

At last! Part 4/4 in my ‘See U Tomorrow’ series. If you read all 4 parts, you rock, and a special shoutout is in order just for you. If you haven’t read all 4 parts well……. Better late than never. Second shoutout to SF9 for being one of my fav K-pop groups. I think it’s been 3 years now (Correct me if I’m wrong, Fantasy, because I feel like I am), and so far, they have not released a single album that I don’t like. I also want to thank everyone who has read any part of this series. I honestly wasn’t sure how it would turn out, but I’m proud of it. I also want to thank everyone who has liked and followed my blog because I’m shallow enough that that is what motivates me to keep writing. Lastly, (I promise I’ll shut up after this), this is the translation I came up with that made the most sense. If you’re looking for super exact and slightly more literal translations, you should look for someone else’s translation. I found a few translations of lyrics on YouTube, but they didn’t make as much sense as I would like, so I used them as a reference, broke out my Korean/English dictionary app, and 5 hours dissecting Korean words and phrases later this is what I ended up with, some spots might be rough translations or minor edits for ease of reading no offense to the original lyrics, especially the English parts they just didn’t make as much sense with everything else in English so if it’s not exact in some places it’s just so it reads better and I do apologize. You can listen to the actual song >>here<< in all of its musical glory, and without further ado, 가자!

My friend, See you tomorrow

[Chorus] See you tomorrow and again
Throw off the darkness (I can do this)
Say ya, ya, ya, ya
See ya, ya, ya, ya
I’ll shout out to you
See you tomorrow

That’s the nice thing about tomorrow; it’s like life is giving you a do-over for the day before. Sure, tomorrow might not be a spectacular day, but hopefully, it will be slightly better than yesterday. The hard part is trying to brush off yesterday’s ‘ugh’; it can be challenging if my previous day was a total shit show. I’ve found that when I treat my tomorrow like a tomorrow and not just a continuation of the day before, it’s easier to have a better attitude about it. At least as good as my attitude gets, but we’re not going to go there right now.

In this messed up life
We just want a (more) better life
You don’t need to cower from the stares of others
You lost your way, but I’ll take you
You’re precious (come with me)

Honestly, that’s all I want. I don’t need my life to be perfect; I just need it to not be so blah sometimes. It’s hard when I’m depressed and feel like my life sucks. It’s rough when it feels like no one is on your side. Sometimes I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do or how to get to where I want to go, but that’s okay. 괜찮아. I think there’s no map or guidebook to life because it would be useless. The map that got someone else all the way to the Grand Canyon might lead me to some sketchy mosquito-infested swamp, and if I thought my life was terrible before then……. ugh.

Endure the sharpest pain
You are an unrefined diamond
It can be uncomfortable, it can be difficult
but I want to tell you
You’re doing alright right (right?)

First, I want to tell you that if you are doing your best, you are already on your way. Life is a long road, and there aren’t many 5-star hotels to stop at along the way when you get tired. One day I was trying (and failing) to put together this puzzle. I was getting super frustrated because some pieces fit in 3 different places, and it was a total nightmare. Finally, I couldn’t take it, and out loud, I just said, “Ugh!!!! I hate my life!” my friend asked me why I kept doing it, and I had one simple yet very resentful answer……. “Because failure builds character!” She gave me a weird look, so let me explain it to you guys. When everything is going wrong, it totally 100% sucks, and I will be first in line to whine about how everything is awful, but that’s how I deal with it; I complain my way through it. When I have those times when I feel totally defeated, it’s teaching me things about life. I may not like it, but I don’t have to. Sometimes it is painful, but like it says in the song, “you are an unrefined diamond.” Diamonds must be cut, sharpened, and polished before they end up in a necklace, ring, or whatever. Although it’s a long and tedious process to go from a rock to a diamond, the finished product is so lovely, sparkly, and expensive that it’s totally worth the trouble.

[pre-chorus part 1] Who says that you’re trash
Get rid of those thoughts (oh)
And who called you a loser
shut them up, stop those lips
and cover your ears (oh)

People are jagweeds. I’ve said it before, and I’m sure I’ll repeat it. It’s not their life; it’s yours, and don’t forget that! If someone has a problem with you, they can go float a goat. Because if they honestly have nothing better to do with their lives than judge others…. Trust me, their lives aren’t going any better than yours.

[pre-chorus part 2]
You’re the superstar of your own life
So believe in yourself
You know you could be the best
[insert chorus]

You do you!! No one can be me like I can, and no one could be you quite like you. The literal translation was, ‘you are the main character in your life, and you are, so make the most of it! I tend to hold back a lot in life, and I shouldn’t. I should be trying to make the most of every day to be the best me, no matter how scary it can be. It reminds me of Newt’s line in Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them; “my philosophy is that worrying means you suffer twice.” Also, I don’t know that it’s going to be awful. I just assume it will be and use that as my excuse not to try. It’s our life, and we should be cheering ourselves on even if no one else is because we are just that awesome!

Waiting for you
Yeah, I’m waiting for you
See u, see u, see u tomorrow
You know what they say is meaningless
You don’t need it
There’s so much more to think about
Instead of vaguely drifting apart
Draw a period and finish it

That last part is a bit rocky, but I tried to make sense of it here. It doesn’t matter what other people say about you. I know it hurts sometimes, but I’ve always felt like if I let them get to me, I’m letting them win. There are many more important things in life, and we don’t need negativity floating around in our heads all day. Sometimes you just got to say, “no more.” I’m speaking from experience when I say that. If all they do is bring you down, then they are not the kind of people you need in your life. This one girl I went to school with was the textbook definition of a jagweed, and finally, one day, I just said no more. She was genuinely mad and put off that I refused to be her friend anymore. It was pretty funny. It’s not always funny, but sometimes we need to say enough is enough.

The past is the past so don’t ask about it
It can’t easily be changed, so just smile
That’s right
Let’s just stop for a bit and laugh comfortably
[insert pre-chorus 1&2 + chorus]

If you’ve read my blog before, you know I have no qualification to talk about letting go of the past. Still, I like the next part, ‘don’t ask about it, don’t ask yourself, don’t ask others. Honestly, I feel we should all unanimously agree to never speak or think of the past again. It’s done, and I can’t change it, so I should look toward the future with a smile. Or at least a smirk. I don’t like smiling; it’s just no good. If you tell me a good joke, I’ll smile on accident, but I don’t like to smile on purpose. I find it annoying. Sometimes we have to take those little moments of happiness or fun times hanging out and laughing with friends and hold on to them. Because on my darkest day, those were what helped me make it through each and every tomorrow.

Everything’s alright
Even if you fall again
You can go a little bit slower
Don’t worry about it
Even if you get hurt
and fall back a little bit

If there’s one thing I’ve learned while struggling with anxiety and depression, it’s that recovery is not onwards and upwards. Sometimes I get back to old habits. Sleeping too much, isolating myself, or listening to music that I probably shouldn’t in my current state of mind, but it’s okay. I’m getting better at dealing with my bad days. Sometimes there are days when I have to say to myself, “I’m sad today, and that’s okay. I will be sad today and try again tomorrow”. That sad day gets better sometimes, I just have to K-drama and nap my way through it, but I’ve learned to be nicer to myself on bad days or even bad weeks. It’s okay to stumble if you are willing to get back up eventually. Like when I fell off my horse, sometimes I just want to lay there in the dirt for a bit, and that’s okay because when I was ready to get up again, I got right back on.

Why do you hide yourself
Why do you do that
Why do you compare yourself to others
I’ll return all of their stares
This is your chance

I sometimes think that I spent so much time trying to be who everyone else thought I should be or wanted me to be that I lost track of who I was as an individual. I like to watch Brad Mondo’s ‘Hairdresser reacts’ videos, and he always tells everyone to live their extra life. I’ve come to realize that it is some rock-solid advice. I cared way too much about what other people thought of me for a long time. Especially when I was at bible college, it was a great experience, and I made a lot of friends, and I learned a lot too, but……… I felt like I was too…. Like I was trying to be the person I thought I was supposed to be, I tried not to be too weird and tried to be super nice and “Christian-y” enough. And when I felt like even after trying so hard, it still wasn’t enough, I just felt terrible because I felt like I was failing but didn’t understand how. I know they weren’t judging me because they were all super supportive and awesome, but I felt I was judging myself for them if that makes sense. Now, I’m learning to “live my extra life” and…… I just don’t care. Maybe I’m too weird, I don’t read my bible enough, or I should seriously consider starting a swear jar, but I’m a work in progress, and this is where I’m at right now. If people don’t like it, they don’t have to be friends with me. Probably also explains why I only have 3 friends, but! Three super awesome friends that I wouldn’t trade for the world! This is your life, and it’s your chance to be the most awesome you that you can be.

Bang Bang
This poisonous world is all the same
If you have your life in order
You’ll be the best

This was a rough translation. Because, let’s be honest, my Korean is sub-par, and the words themselves aren’t super specific. My best guess is that it’s saying you shouldn’t feel like you have to measure up to anyone else in the world. As long as you are living your life to the best of your ability, then you are doing great. I don’t want to live my life how everyone else feels like I should. I want to live my life the way I want and be the best I can be. It doesn’t matter what anyone else says. It’s your life and your journey, and it’s up to you to make the best of it because you deserve the best life possible.

First time it will be
‘Gonna make your mind (I think what he is trying to say is that when that moment finally comes it’s gonna blow your mind, but since those words were in English and I didn’t write the song I don’t really know)
If this is not a dream
I want to say these words to you
Yeah I’ve been waiting for you.
[Insert Chorus]
Waiting for you, yeah
I’m waiting for you
See u, see u, see u tomorrow

Every tomorrow is a new opportunity, and sometimes it will be great. Sometimes it will suck, but that’s okay because there is always tomorrow. Life isn’t always easy, and sometimes it is downright painful, so I want to say this. I have total faith in you; that’s right, I’m talking to you. I have complete confidence that you can do this. No matter how hard it is some days, I believe in you. Celebrate the good days and be kind to yourself on the bad ones. You are amazing, and no one could replace you even if they tried. Even when things seem hopeless, take it one tomorrow at a time. You are so, so, so important in this world and to the people around you, and you deserve the best life that you can possibly have. Thank you again for reading, and until next time……… I’ll See U Tomorrow.

Sincerely,
LIBD

If I Had 1 Hour

Posted on by LIBD

Alright, I know it’s a week later than I promised in part 1. I didn’t have anyone to proofread this one, so I was super nervous about posting it, so it doesn’t matter who you are; please tell me if it’s no good, so I can delete it. Also, my room, brain, and life are all kind of a hot mess right now, so I figured this was as good a time as any to keep this series going. Alright *closes eyes and looks away*…. Here it is… 1 hour of reasons to keep living.

Whenever I hear that someone has committed suicide, it always makes me feel really sad. Even if I don’t know the person or have never heard of them before in my entire life. It always bugged me, and I told my friend this one day how I wish I could have had 1 hour to change their mind. And that’s how today’s blog post came to be. If I had 1 hour to change someone’s mind, this is what I would want to say to them. I’m going to set a timer for 1 hour exactly and see how much I can come up with in one hour. Here it goes….

I would start by telling them how awesome and important they are. Because no one can be you quite like you can, and I think that’s pretty darn impressive. I would also tell them to take a minute and reflect on their life because everyone has their good and not-so-good moments. I would say to them to think about the people around them and remind them that just because people aren’t always the best about telling you how much they care doesn’t mean they don’t care.

Then I would ask them to think carefully about their decision because life won’t be like this forever. I promise you, and you can quote me on this; it always gets better. Unfortunately, some people give up too soon (I was almost one of them) and never find out how wonderful life can be. I would tell them to look at how far they have come and how much they’ve accomplished in life. We’ve come too far and fought too hard to give up now.

Today I was waiting in line at Starbucks, and it was a LONG line. There were multiple times where I just wanted to say, forget it, it’s not worth it. Still, by the time I really considered going home, I had already been waiting 12 minutes. There were only two more cars in front of us, and I really wanted my mocha frappe. And it did feel like hours before I finally got it. Still, it tasted soooooo good, and it would have sucked if I had decided to get out of line just because it was taking forever.

When I say things will get better, it usually doesn’t happen overnight, but eventually, the tomorrow that you are waiting for will come, and you will be so glad that you stuck it out even when it seemed pointless. I know feelings can be overwhelming, but they can’t hurt you, and you shouldn’t let them. Hopelessness is just a feeling. Just because life feels hopeless doesn’t mean it is, and if you fight through that hopelessness, I can promise you it will be worth it.

The k quote from last week says, “If you live your life surviving each day like that, eventually a good day will come. Then one day you will say to yourself, ‘It’s good that I didn’t kill myself that day”. I remember thinking that day would never come, but it has come and gone and come again. I’m riding horses again, and I love every minute of it. Last year, I won second place in the obstacle course and the cup race in the show.

I’ve seen so many fabulous k dramas’ that I’m so glad I got to see; I keep finding new k pop groups I like, such as ONEUS and Target. Even non-kpop artists like the Satellite Station. I went to the movies with my grandma; I celebrated my birthday and Christmas and got great presents. I went with my mom to take my grandma down to Florida for the past 2 years and had a great time there.

I finally made a friend and started talking to old friends I hadn’t been in contact with before. I have the best dog in the world (most of the time). I have a bt21 themed desk that is just 너무 귀여워 (too cute); I discovered cookie dough cake pops which are a gift from God himself, and to think I would have missed out on all of this if I had given up back then. I’m so glad I was able to get help and get better because now I can say to anyone without a shadow of a doubt that depression is not the end, even when it feels like it is.

It’s the bronze tree of life. I don’t know if you’ve seen the lost tomb 2, but the beginning is good. The end is not totally awful, but there’s like at least 10, possibly more episodes (Editing Note: I guess it’s only 7 or 8, but it felt like at least 10 or more) in the middle where they are exploring this cave tomb thing where they find a bronze tree and it’s lame and boring, and stupid.

Now I’m reading the book, and I don’t even want to read it! It felt like it was NEVER going to end. Every episode, I’d think, “surely this is the episode where they get out,” but it never was, and then you wonder if it is even worth it to keep watching.

I almost just gave up on it 4 times, but eventually, they got out, and maybe it isn’t entirely worth continuing yet, but I’ve got a lot of info from the books, and I have high hopes for the lost tomb 3. Sometimes life is just like that; you might feel stuck and trapped as if there’s no possible way things will ever work out, but I promise they do, and I think now is the time to add another of my all-time favorite k quotes from Just Between Lovers. “Just as misfortune comes to you unexpectedly, miracles also come out of the blue just as we’re about to give up hope.”

What if you gave up today and were just 1 or 2 tomorrows away from your special tomorrow? I remember my first special tomorrow. I was at riding lessons, and I fell off my horse (she’s not really mine; I just ride her for lessons, but I like to call her mine) Sunshine, and I remember laying there in the dirt, and for the first time in forever I felt hope (weird right?). My instructor asked me if I was okay, and I gave her a thumbs up and said, “I’m good. I’m just going to lay here for a bit and accept defeat”, but I didn’t feel defeated.

My head and neck hurt a bit (I had whiplash for 2 or 3 days, but that’s why we always wear a helmet, kids.). Still, I remember that moment when all the heaviness and cloudiness in my chest was lifted. I finally felt okay and knew at that moment, just like the quote said, “it’s a good thing that I didn’t kill myself that day.”

Life isn’t about everything going right. It’s not about having it all together and knowing exactly where you’re going. Life happens when you fall off your horse, and you’re lying there in the dirt, but you get back on and try again. Life happens when everything falls apart, but you choose to keep living because you know it will get better.

Life is about trying your best to make each and every tomorrow better than yesterday. Because life doesn’t stay awful forever, and even though it takes time, I promise, promise, promise you, your special tomorrow will come. I’ve got 17 minutes left, so I want to share one more thing that you may have seen in one of my past blog posts but is worth repeating.

One day in outpatient therapy, I met with my psychiatrist, who told me something I will always hold on to. He told me, “Only bad things happen overnight; earthquakes that destroy whole cities, forest fires, hurricanes…. Good things take time, and you must be patient if you want good things to come.” It’s totally accurate, and I totally hate being patient, but he didn’t say I had to like waiting. The point is that I shouldn’t give up when things don’t start getting better right away because I never know how close my special tomorrow will be. It might be days, months, or a year or more.

That being said, I promise you when it comes, you will be so glad you stuck around to see it. I know life is complicated, and sometimes this might sound like empty words, so if you don’t believe anything else I say, believe that it will get better because I can absolutely 100% promise you with all my heart that it will. (Editing Note: I will not only promise but also swear on my entire K-pop collection that it will get better. That’s how sure I am).

7 minutes left and 1000 spelling and grammar errors that I’ll have to fix in the final edit, but I think I said everything that I wanted to say. 1 whole hour worth of reasons to keep living. Except I did forget one last thing……

I sincerely hope to see you tomorrow,
LIBD

If you’re in crisis or thinking about suicide, you’re not alone. In the U.S. you can call or text 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline for free, confidential support 24/7.

Wherever you are in the world, please reach out to someone. Tomorrow needs you here.

K Quotes: See You Tomorrow

Posted on by LIBD

Hey y’all, how is it going? I was doing okay, but 오눌은 미쳤어; It’s been a crazy day. 정말; For realz, I was okay this morning, but work was so busy. I just got home an hour ago, and I am straight-up not having a good time right now. I’m so over everything, but tomorrow is my day off 만세; Thank God for that. I think I’ll have to take my own advice and try again tomorrow, and what a fabulous segway because that just so happens to be what this is all about. 가자!

If you want to die you can- but do it tomorrow.
If you still want to kill yourself tomorrow, then do it the day after.
If you still feel the same on the next day, it’s still not too late to die on that day, or the day after that.
If you live your life surviving each day like that, eventually a good day will come.
Then one day you will say to yourself, “It’s good that I didn’t kill myself that day”

~Oh Ri Jin (Kill me, Heal me)

I saw Kill Me, Heal Me so long ago, and I do not know how I forgot about this one. I didn’t want to re-watch all of Children of Nobody just to find 1 quote (There are 30 episodes… at least). So, I decided to google good k drama quotes, and this one showed up in the images, and I was like, “OMG, I remember this! how did I forget this?”. The only thing I can figure is that I’m pretty sure I was too busy crying during this scene to be taking notes or anything.

I watched it not too long after I got out of the hospital, and I think it was during one of my bad days. That would explain the crying my eyes out, and honestly, I’m so glad I saw this because I think it’s something everyone needs to hear. I know I did.

One thing I’ve learned on my road to recovery is that even though I felt like I was all alone, I was not the only person who felt like that. It blew my mind to realize how many others were feeling the same things I was. I knew there was tomorrow, but I never quite realized how many tomorrows there would be. And let me tell you, there were a bunch of tomorrows before I started feeling even a little bit better. Also, like I said in last week’s intro, killing yourself isn’t the only option. It’s just the only permanent one.

I also learned a lot about feelings (I couldn’t help it; they made me!). I learned that feelings are just feelings. If I feel like life is hopeless, that doesn’t mean that life is genuinely hopeless; that’s just how I feel. Even though feelings like anxiety and depression always felt really icky, I learned that they couldn’t hurt me regardless of how uncomfortable they were. They are just feelings, and it was hard work learning how to accept my feelings without giving them power over my life. Those first few months of tomorrow’s were brutal, but I made it.

Hearing that it will get better eventually isn’t really the most comforting. It reminds me of my least favorite ‘F’ word… Future. Eventually is such an intimidating word too.

It’s like that scene in iCarly where Spencer asks the maintenance guy how long it will take to fix the elevator. The guy’s just like, “3…. 4,” and Spencer’s like, “3 or 4 what? Days? Weeks? Months?” and the guy just stares at him and replies, “maybe 5”. That’s how eventually feels to me, and I think that’s why I like tomorrow better. It’s a simple 24 hours instead of “3… 4……. maybe 5”.

It’s a lot like ‘The Lost Tomb’ Chinese tv series. Eventually, I’m sure it will make sense…. That’s why I hated the show and bought the books. Because of ‘eventually.’ With the book, I know how long it is, and I can go one chapter at a time. That’s probably why I find it easier to deal with 24 hours at a time, especially when I feel depressed.

I really couldn’t deal with more than 24 hours at a time. My life was a lot like the lost tomb 2, I didn’t know what was going on, but it was very confusing. At one point, I was genuinely concerned that it would never end, and they would just be stuck on that stupid bronze tree for the rest of eternity until they died!!!!!!


Spoiler alert: that didn’t happen in the show or my life. For the most part, it’s all good on both accounts. I watched the sand sea and am confident that all of my questions will be answered by the end of the lost tomb 3. Sometimes you just gotta take it one page/episode/tomorrow at a time. Sometimes you need to ask for help, and whether it’s from a person, book, or a spinoff series, it’s okay to ask for help.

So how exactly did I make it through all those tomorrows though? 24 hours is a long time, especially when I felt that depressed. I didn’t sleep that much during the day anymore because the doctor told me it was causing my insomnia. I had heard that before; I just ignored it, but I also cared more once I started trying to get better. That said, if you really feel that bad, then…… and you can quote me on this, “sleep schedules are for losers. Take a nap and try again when you wake up.”

No offense to anyone with a sleep schedule. I have one now, and I’m not taking it personally for the sake of this blog, and I hope you, dear reader, cannot take it personally with me if you also have a sleep schedule. Besides, let’s be real here, sleep schedules are the worst. Ever since I got one, I wake up at 8 no matter what! I once stayed up till 2 in the morning just to prove a point thinking I would sleep till noon…. I actually woke up before 8am that day; WTF!!!

I also watched a lot of comedians and funny movies. It took a while before they actually made me genuinely laugh, but even when I couldn’t bring myself to laugh at anything, sometimes they made me crack a smile. Also, k pop helped a lot. Whether it was the upbeat songs or watching them annoy each other, it made me forget about my life for a little bit and gave me a reason to smile.

Also, someone commented on NCT Dreams’ ‘We Young’ music video saying, “Their hair is brighter than my future” they made my day! I think I laughed for like 2 minutes, and it may have morbid laughter, but it still made my day, week, and possibly my whole life. Although, since then, my future has gotten brighter than I thought it would, it still can’t compete with NCT Dreams’ blinding hair color choices for that video.

While we are on the topic of music, one more quick tip; Try to cut back on the emo- punk rock. Don’t hunt me down for saying that, please I totally understand. It was an icon of my teenage years, and I still love it. However, when you’re trying to feel better mentally, ‘I’m just a kid’ by Simple Plan or ‘last resort’ by Papa Roach is the LAST thing you should be listening to!!

I know it’s just music, and I love punk rock and alternative. Still, it did make a difference when I was careful about the kind of music that I was listening to. It was rough at the time, but now I can listen to ‘bleed it out by Linkin Park all day long……. I don’t, because I regret the day I paid attention to the lyrics, but……. I could if I wanted to.

I still try to watch what I listen to. There are some songs I don’t listen to anymore just because they can affect your mood, especially if I’m already having a not-so-great week. I recommend K-pop for that, specifically Blackpink, Sf9, or Oneus, but there are a lot of groups to choose from.

I mostly say that just because 90% of American pop songs generally sound the same, whether it’s the melody or the lyrics, I just feel like I’ve heard it before. You can totally hate on me for saying that…. I probably won’t care, but I’d understand. I’m not the nicest person when someone says all K-pop songs sound the same, so you have my permission to be offended.

Thank you for reading; I hope it was okay. I always get nervous posting stuff like this because I don’t want to be too dark. At the same time, I also don’t want to downplay anything, so please leave a like if you enjoy it, so I know it was at least half-decent. It’s always super nerve-wracking posting even after I’ve had someone else read through it for me.

Anyway, I know this wasn’t as in-depth as some of my other k-quotes, but I’m definitely not done with the subject. I wanted to have something semi-lighthearted in between so this series doesn’t turn out to be a total downer, but I’m saving the rest for Thursday’s post, so I hope to see you all then. But more importantly I hope to see you tomorrow.

Sincerely,
LIBD

If you are struggling, resources are available. Whether you are in crisis or just need someone to listen. Call or text 988 in the U.S. to speak with someone. Asking for help is not weakness. It’s the bravest thing a person can do. The offer assistance in both English and Spanish. If you live outside of the U.S. you can also look online for local support and resources or reach out to a trusted friend or family member.

snow top mountain under clear sky

Intro: See U Tomorrow

Posted on by LIBD

Hey guys!!!! Welcome to my new series! I know, right: the title looks like the first track on a K-pop album. Also, a few quick shoutouts are in order. Firstly, to my super awesome friend for helping sort out my thoughts to put this all together and proofreading these for me. Also, to said friend, I would like to let you know that I did, in fact, watch pride and prejudice, and while it wasn’t the WORST show I’ve ever watched, it was very (how do I say this nicely) …… cliché? Kind of like a 50-episode Taiwanese drama where the person in charge of subtitles only knows Shakespearian English. My second shoutout is to SF9 for their awesome song ‘See U Tomorrow,’ which helped inspire this series.

This series will touch on depression and suicide, so if you prefer my more upbeat posts, I would definitely pass on this one. That being said, a while back, I heard someone at my church talk about someone who had committed suicide and how they couldn’t fathom what could bring someone to make that decision. I didn’t say anything at the time, but I’m about to provide an answer for them. Remember that everything I discuss concerns my personal experiences with the subject. I would like to go on record saying that I am in no way trying to be a spokesperson for depression because different people experience it differently. I don’t want to make people feel like their feelings are invalid or wrong because you feel differently than I do. That being said, let’s get this thing started!

I touched a bit on personal experiences before in my past posts. Still, I’ll go through a hopefully shorter version (you know how my ‘short’ stories get sometimes). Just so that y’all realize I’m not just writing all this stuff out of nowhere. I promise I am not a science teacher trying to teach history. I hate when people with no experience tell me I just need to be more positive. I’m like, “no! go away.” So, I promise I’m not just one of ‘those people’ as I so fondly call them.

So, to answer that one person’s question in church, let me give a little back story. I struggled with depression off and on for a long time before it got really bad. I went through a few different types of medication, various doctors, and a few counselors. Sometimes it helped for a bit, but none of it truly worked. I never really actually felt better. In college, I didn’t really want to be around people. I mean, I did, but I had this stupid idea that if they cared, they would come to find me to spend time with me (pretty misguided, I know) as if they didn’t have loads of homework and other stuff to do.

Then when I left college, I didn’t have any friends back home, but I had the horse I was leasing, so that was fun, I guess. Eventually, I stopped taking my meds, which is the WORST IDEA IN THE WORLD!! I knew it was stupid, but I didn’t feel like they were helping anyway. Obviously, it just went downhill from there. Eventually, I gave up on horses too, because not even horses could make my life feel like it was worth living at that point. All it did was remind me of what I would never have and everything I would never be able to do. That last choice was really the beginning of the end because then I had nothing. I left my bed every day to go to work, and then I would come home from my 2-5 hour shift and get back into bed because I didn’t know what else I was supposed to do with my life. I didn’t have anyone to talk to or hang out with. I am sure my dog would have loved to go on a walk, but that would have required leaving my bed again, so it usually didn’t happen.

One thing I want to add is something called passive suicidal ideation. It’s where you don’t want to kill yourself, but you don’t really care if you live or wish you were dead, and I had been having that since middle school. I just thought everyone felt that way, and before I got to this point, I didn’t know that I wasn’t supposed to feel like that. I always thought it wasn’t a big deal because it’s not like I actually want to kill myself. Still, I later learned that it’s a big red flag for depression, even though it doesn’t seem super extreme. So, if you ever experience that kind of thing, please take it seriously and talk to someone about it. Please, please, please, do not wait as long as I did.

Alright, back to that person’s question. It really is unfathomable in a way. Even when I look back on how I felt, I know the thought of the feeling is not even close to how bad it actually felt. It was more like uncomfortable, overwhelming loneliness and hopelessness that settles into your entire being, like when you jump into a pool and don’t have any clothes to change into. Then for the rest of the day, your clothes stick to you and weigh you down, except it was every day, and it never ended. That’s how it felt to me, at least. And to answer the question of what would bring someone to that point, I would point out that I didn’t actually want to die. I just really wanted to die. Let me explain that. Honestly, I just wanted the feeling to go away. I didn’t want to feel like that anymore. I wanted it all to go away, and I was scared it would never go away.

I didn’t not want to live, I just wanted it to stop, and at that moment, it seemed like the only way, but I would like to stop here to tell everyone that suicide isn’t your only option. It is however the only permanent option. Even though the idea of living seemed hopeless and terrifying, and I really didn’t want to, I didn’t totally want to just die either. Sleeping was great. It was like death, but without commitment. It stopped for a bit, and sometimes, when I woke up, it was just slightly better for a little while. Sleeping is probably the reason I lasted as long as I did.

A third shoutout has to go to my dog because when my mom finally took me to the doctor (where I was admitted to the hospital shortly after), the doctor told me to tell her what I was feeling. I still remember one of my answers to this day. The one thing I remember saying almost word for word was this: “I’m so tired of feeling this way, and I want to die so bad, but I can’t because my stupid dog doesn’t like anyone else except me, and she would be lost without me so I can’t leave her, but I’m so tired of feeling this way.” Now, whenever I think of that, it always brings a smile to my face because it was so true. It was not too long after I got her, and she was still at the stage where she would barely let anyone else touch her. She was really skittish and had a tendency to bite when she was scared. She even nipped at me when we first met. She’s gotten much better in the 3 years we’ve been together, but I always joke that love at first bite brought us together.

Being in the hospital was sometimes annoying, but I think it helped just being around people and having to eat 3 meals a day. The change of scenery was a good thing too. Even though none of it was by choice, that was the first lesson I learned during my recovery. Recovery is lame 90% time but 200% worth it. It probably took about half a year to feel almost like a normal human being again, and let me tell you, it is a wonderful feeling after years of feeling so depressed. In the years since then, there have been plenty of ups and downs and tears (although not nearly as many as before). Even this week, I was doing really good, but today it’s a real effort to do the stuff I need to do. I still have bad days and the occasionally totally shitty day, and sometimes I worry that I’m going backward, but it always gets better. Sometimes it takes a month, sometimes a week or so, sometimes it’s just some bad days where I have to say, “Screw it. I’ll try again tomorrow”. And that what this series is about it’s about. Not just today’s tomorrow, but all of the tomorrows. All of mine, and hopefully all of your tomorrows too.

I hope you enjoyed the intro. I do have an order worked out. Next up will be k quotes (Tuesday of next week). It will be followed by another post on Thursday (same week) that’s a continuation of the k quotes. Lastly, we will end it with Music Monday for the song that inspired it all the following week.

Sincerely,
LIBD